Inside Mans The Wrong Mans

We've all got what we wanted.

We've got the girl, you've got your nephew.

Let's just call it quits

You dishonoured me.

They were going to kill me,

and you sent these two dickheads with an empty suitcase!

Police. My husband's...just been killed.

- Run! - Er, two men...

They broke in and killed him.

(TYRES SCREECH)

Get in.

I am the only man on the planet who can prove your innocence.

What's this about?

Milankovic can identify Russian agents working here and in the States.

(THUMP)

(TRANSLATION FROM RUSSIAN)

Sam, this is not what it looks like.

It's fine. I just didn't realise you'd moved on so quickly.

I don't know anything.

I just sold some art, that's all I did.

To Marat Milankovic.

Oh, shit!

Nick sold everything to raise the ransom.

And because it was in the safe,

he must have thought the music box was valuable.

Honey...

But they won't know what it is. They can't know. How could they?

Honey...

So, I mean, in many ways, it's worthless...

Honey! Stop.

Get it back.

- OK, it's just... - I don't care.

This is a problem.

Needs to be fixed.

I know. I'm sorry, I'm so sorry.

Come here, come here, come here.

Anyone else had done this to me, it'd be very serious.

You do understand?

Yes.

They wouldn't get a second chance.

I'm sorry, Dad.

That's a good girl.

This programme contains some violent scenes and some strong language

And that's in business class?

OK, and what's the latest that we'd be able to book that?

Four hours. All right. Um, no, no. OK, all right, thanks ever so much.

OK, cheers.

OK, there's a flight that leaves for Mexico City at 6am.

Me and you, right, we...we open up a...a surf shack on the beach.

Me and you, buddy, we...we run the surf shack,

- we meet a couple of girls, we have... - We're not opening a surf shack!

All right, then. Well, a burger shack or a juice shack or a taco shack.

We're not opening a shack of any description.

Why not?

We'll be arrested before we even get on a plane.

We'll get new identities.

We've got a tonne of cash here, we'll get fake passports...

This is not our money. Even coming here was a bad idea.

We stopped at the first hotel we came to.

We passed a Travelodge.

We also passed some bins outside.

I'm not sleeping in them either. Have some self-respect.

We're wanted for murder.

Exactly! Things are bad enough.

We're in the gutter, Sam, but at least we're looking up at the birds

flying over above us, coming out of trees.

All I'm saying is, we have to be really careful

not to draw any attention to ourselves.

(KNOCK ON DOOR)

(KNOCK ON DOOR)

- Who is it? - Room service.

Yeah, OK. I've got to go, room service is here. Bye.

Beep.

(PHONE RINGS)

That's my phone.

It's my mum.

Don't answer it, the police will be there.

- She'll be worried sick. - They can trace it.

It's my mum.

Tell her you're fine and then hang up.

I'm fine.

Hello, love of my life.

It's her. It's not my mum, it's her. It's her.

You're not still upset with me, are you?

We all have rows, darling.

Tell him to come home and stop being so stupid.

Put the phone down, then. Hang up!

Is that Sam? Can you pass the phone to him?

She wants to speak to you.

What do you want?

Meet me at the church on Harkett Road in one hour.

And why would I do that?

Either you meet me...

or you'll have to explain to Phil what happened to his mum.

We have to go and meet her.

We're going to have to cancel that food, mate.

(TRANSLATION FROM CANTONESE)

Fuck!

(CHURCH ORGAN MUSIC)

(CHOIR SINGS)

Thank you for coming.

- You didn't give us much choice. - Why are we meeting here?

I'm in mourning for my poor husband.

I'm praying to God that they'll catch those two men who killed him.

I've spoken to the police, but I haven't told them it was you.

Well, it wasn't.

Yeah. So not thanks, actually. Thanks but no thanks.

I said I couldn't remember what they looked like.

It's quite common with shock.

But apparently my memory could come back at any moment

so it all depends on...

On what?

On what you can do for me.

What we can do for you?

I just found a phone.

That's it. I found a phone.

And this voice tells me they're going to kill someone

and I can't bear it.

I think...

Well, I have... I have to do something.

My whole life has been turned upside down, but do you know what? We did it.

We actually saved her.

I think it would have been worth it if it were anyone else but you.

Thanks.

(ORGAN MUSIC ENDS)

CHOIRMASTER: Cheers, everybody. See you on Sunday.

Look, I don't want you going near my mum again.

We've got the money.

You've got the ransom money?

- Your husband sold... - Ex-husband.

I'll do the talking.

He sold a load of stuff, we've ended up with the money,

you can just take that and leave us alone.

He sold something very important to me.

A music box.

Right, well, we know who bought it. The Russian.

- Marat Milankovic. - Braslan Ovanovic, something like that.

No, that was exactly it Marat Milankovic.

Ball park.

Why don't you just find him, give him the money, you walk away,

we walk away?

You're not going to say anything, we're not going to say anything.

BOTH: No-one's going to say anything.

Get me that music box.

Or I'll go to the police and tell them I've started remembering.

I'll tell them to go to the council and look for a scrawny hobbit

and a male Clare Balding.

You've got 24 hours.

You don't look anything like Clare Balding.

I know.

Hello, Miss Green, sorry to disturb, it's Council Security here.

I have a, er...

Sam Pinkett.

...Mr Pickett here.

He wants access to the building to do some work for you.

I know where we can search the planning archives.

- We just need to find the house. - Oh, I see.

Find the house, find the guy. Find the guy, find the music box.

Find the music box...

OK.

Well, then that's it. If we find that, we're done, we're going.

- Good to go. - Cheers, Len.

I hope she hasn't changed her password.

Yeah? What is it? Sam's got no pubes?

Yes, that's exactly what it is.

See, this is what my mum thinks I do all day -

sit in an office, taking calls...

Yeah, I can't think why that isn't your job.

Got him.

Can you turn on the printer in the office?

Yeah, I got it.

(SIGHS)

What are you doing?!

Why are you in my office?!

Just making up for the time I missed.

It's ten o'clock at night.

Shouldn't you be at your dinner party?

- You sort of ruined the vibe. - Oh, I'm sorry(!)

Sam, I'm a bit worried about you.

Well, don't be.

You've been acting so weird - disappearing from work,

getting into fights.

It's just not you.

- Maybe it is now. - Wow.

Got it.

- What are you doing here? - Oh, we had to...

I mean, I'm helping Sam with the Reid regeneration project.

It's the Green regeneration project,

and why would he need your help? You're just the mailroom guy.

Yeah. And Steven Segal was just the chef.

Hang on, Green as in Lizzie Green?

Yeah.

Mr Reid insisted.

Because of all the hard work I've done on it.

Ha! "Hard work."

Excuse me?!

Sorry.

Do you enjoy working for the council?

He doesn't actually work for the council, he just works for the building.

And no, I don't enjoy it.

I notice you're not denying it, you and Reid.

(SCOFFS) Oh, my God. You know what, Sam, why don't you...?

- I know, it's none of my business. - No, just listen.

I'm sorry that I got promoted.

And I am sorry that we split up but...I am not going to apologise

for the fact that I actually care about what I'm trying to do.

I don't even know why you bother coming in.

For you.

It's always been for you.

I fucking hate it.

I come in here every day trying to be who you want me to be

and I don't even know what that is.

I wish you'd just tell me.

What do you want?

(LIFT DOORS OPEN)

Please select your floor.

I want my keys back before I change the locks.

Doors closing.

We've got to go.

So, Scarlett's dad is Mr Reid, the Reid development guy.

I know.

Right, it's straight on on this road for a mile and then it's right.

What are we going to say to this Marat guy?

We're just going to say, "Mr Stevens is sorry,

"he made a mistake, it wasn't his to sell and we need to buy it back."

Yeah, we've got the money,

he can't have bought it more than a couple of days ago.

You can take anything back within seven days. It's your statutory rights.

I'm not sure that applies here but...

(CAR IS REAR-ENDED)

- (CAR IS REAR-ENDED AGAIN) - Right, that's deliberate.

What are we going to do, Sam?

Just... Just...do as he says.

Shhhhh.

It's not all there.

C-C-Can you take that and we'll owe you the rest?

I get paid on Thursday. Phil, how much was that hot-stone massage?

£305.

£300?!

Yes, I didn't know we were going to need it to buy back a music box

and pay off a crazy... (MOUTHS) ...did I?

- Jesus Christ! - What?

What do you want me to say? That I regret it? That I'm sorry?!

Well, I don't! My back was in shreds,

full of stresses and tensions, and I wonder who caused that(!)

Sorry.

Any chance of a discount?

I'm going to miss you guys.

(PATS THE CAR ROOF)

Oh, shit.

Oh, shit.

Shit, shit, shit, shit, shit, shit, shit...!

The air bag went off.

OK, we tour the house, find the music box, grab it and run.

The key to this is just keep saying "Kirstie".

Kirstie, Kirstie, Kirstie, Kirstie, Kirstie.

Hang on, who am I?

You're the researcher and I'm the Vice President of Channel 4

and we think that this property is ideal for our couple.

It's right up Kirstie's street.

Kirstie, Kirstie, Kirstie, Kirstie, Kirstie, Kirstie, Kirstie.

OK, let's do this.

(DOOR BELL RINGS)

Wait, what's my name?

Hugh...Dandridge.

OK, Hugh Dandridge, Hugh Dandrige.

Hang on, who am I?

David Baddiel. Badanbridge. David Badanbridge.

(TRANSLATED FROM RUSSIAN)

- (DUB MUSIC) - (CHATTERING)

- Who are you? - Kirstie.

I mean Hugh. And this is David.

David Badandridge.

Are you Mori's boys?

Mmm-hmm.

You're early. Come in.

(MONKEY CHATTERS)

(GIGGLING)

Who are you?

We're Maurice's boys.

Mori's boys?

- Mmm-hmm. - We ask only one.

Who are you? You driver?

Hmm, yes, I...

You wait in car.

- No, he's with... - Wait in car!

Petr! Petr! Petr!

What are you saying to these guests?

You are both welcome.

I throw a party for my friend here

and he's the only one who doesn't have party.

We in UK now,

we don't need to worry.

You want drink?

You want drink?

Yes, sure.

(# KNIFE PARTY: Centipede)

I love this song.

You want?

Come on!

(ALL GASP)

(CACKLES) I like to photograph since I was a child,

but people pose, people show you what they want to show you.

At a party, I put the timer and people forget!

They drink, they have fun and I get wonderful pictures.

(GIGGLES MANIACALLY) You see? All beautiful.

- (CORK POPS) - (GIGGLES MANIACALLY)

You want?

Not you - you drive. Unlucky!

PARTYGOERS: Unlucky! Unlucky! Unlucky! Unlucky!

(SHOUTS) Shut up!

(GASPS AND SCREAMS)

I want to make speech!

Petr. My friend.

I am certain we cannot do business like before.

They ruined that and they tried to ruin me.

They took everything, because they are thieves.

And everybody turned back on me like I was a stray dog.

Stray dog!

But not you, Petr, not you, because today you came to find me

and I'm glad to welcome you to my new home, Great Britain.

Great!

Where you can be who you want to be

and love...who your heart tells you to.

We have party!

(GASPS)

- (GUN CLICKS) - Bam!

- (# BENNY BENASSI: Satisfaction) - (GIGGLES MANIACALLY)

Come here!

You so beauty.

Bif! Bof! Bif! Bof! Bif! Bof!

Everything OK?

I'm fine. Er, I'm looking for the toilet.

It's this way.

-PETR: Dance for me. - SAM: What?

Just dance for me.

OK.

It's so hot in here. Take off your top.

Really? No, I'm cold, if anything.

Trust me, you're hot.

Go for it.

(MUSIC BOX TINKLES)

(MANY MUSIC BOXES TINKLE)

(DOOR OPENS)

What's wrong with you? Just dance.

I think it's the music. I'm not really feeling this.

Change the music! Change it!

(# SAM AND THE WOMP: Bom Bom)

OK! That's the one.

You're not so shy now! I love it!

(SHOUTS OF ENCOURAGEMENT)

Yes !

Yes!

Awww!

You dirty boy.

Ah!

Unbutton me.

Dirty boy!

I'll just have a drink!

No, Sam! No, Sam, don't drink... Don't drink... Don't drink it.

What's going on?

Sam, you mustn't. It's... It's...

Cut the music! Cut the music!

Cut the music!

Don't drink it!

What's going on here?

Hiya. Er, Mori sent me.

Who sent you?

Mori.

(SCREAMS)

You sneak into my home. You try to poison me.

See how you like it. Drink your medicine.

No, Sam, no!

Drink your medicine! Drink it!

Drink it!

I saw someone poison the champagne, it wasn't me!

Who was it, then?

- I don't know! - Maybe I can refresh your memory.

No, please don't!

They hunt me everywhere. FSB.

You know what I think of FSB? Fucking Shitty Bullshit!

It's him! It's him! That's it, it's him, he did it, look!

It was him, that's who I saw! Him!

Petr?

(TRANSLATED FROM RUSSIAN)

Da.

One bottle left.

(CORK POPS)

A toast to old friends.

Help! I cannot swim!

Come on, you're dressed for it. Go on!

- Come on! - I can't swim! I can't!

Oh, my...!

(SOBS) I cannot swim. I cannot swim.

Then why have you got a pool?

I don't go deep end.

Come on, Phil, let's get out of here.

No, no, no, no, please, take me with you!

We've got our own troubles, mate, honestly.

For one day. Only one day. I'm not safe!

I'll give you anything. You can take anything from here.

Anything you want.

- Anything? - Please!

Yeah, all right.

(MUSIC BOX TINKLES)

So you are not a rent boy?

No.

But...you put me in your hand.

(MUSIC BOX STOPS)

Are you sure this is the one you bought a couple of days ago

for 800 grand?

Yes, with other stuff - paintings, jewellery. But this is nothing.

It's worth a lot to someone.

Well, no-one's following us. I think we're going to be all right.

Have you seen this?

What?

The body they found in Berkshire yesterday...was Agent Walker.

- Oh, my God! - I know.

Hang on.

Isn't that his car?

Get me the duty officer.

(PHONE RINGS)

Mmm-hmm?

Yeah?

I'm on my way.

Just drive. We need to get him to the hospital.

No hospital. They will look for me there.

He's with me. At work. I work at Berkshire County Council.

FSB use my secrets against me.

But I have secrets too.

Have you written anything down?

Of course.

Tell me where it is.

Why do you need to know that?

Oh, my God.