Catastrophisation Twenty Twelve

This programme contains some strong language

# There may be trouble ahead

# But while there's moonlight and music and love and romance

# Let's face the music and dance

# Let's face the music and dance. #

This programme contains some strong language

So, guys, there are croissants, pan au raisins.

Those are all for Ian, obviously. And chocolate muffins, if you dare.

Right, thank you, Daniel.

Eight o'clock on Monday morning at the headquarters of

the Olympic Deliverance Commission in London and the start of another busy week.

-I picked up some of those Portuguese custard tarts.

-Oh, cool!

Not sure what they're called. Just cos they were there, and to be a bit creative...

-Thank you, Daniel. That's great.

-Sure. Enjoy.

Right, so, first of all, thanks to ev... Yes?

Sorry, guys. Just to say filter coffee from the cafetiere, obviously,

but more than happy to take orders for posh coffees if you'd prefer.

-That's very kind of you, Daniel, but I think we'll be fine.

-Yeah, we'll be fine.

-We really ought to get on.

-Could I get soya mocha?

-Sure, of course.

-Right, OK, so are we...

Actually, if we are having nice coffees, I wouldn't mind a soya latte with an extra shot, Daniel.

-Sure, good choice.

-If that's all right, Ian.

-Well, yeah.

-And can I please have a, um... double,

er...decaff, skinny soya, er... macchiato, please, Daniel?

-Skinny soya?

-Yes, actually.

-Sure, OK.

-Daniel, would you just like to take an order?

-Shall I? I think I am doing, basically.

-Well, exactly.

-So, any more, Ian?

There are now just 32 days to go to the start of the Olympics themselves

and Head of Deliverance, Ian Fletcher, has called his team in early for a breakfast meeting.

So, right, well, thanks to everyone for the early start.

Another big week again this week so I just wanted to get ahead of the game a bit.

Or should I say ahead of the Games?

-No?

-Yes, so, let's get straight into this. First up, transport.

I'm sure we've all seen the press coverage over the weekend.

Yeah, absolutely, yes.

-Graham?

-Yeah. What?

-I don't know whether you've got any immediate reactions to that?

-Um...yeah, I have, yeah.

What it is, yeah, you know what they do with these surveys is,

you ask the wrong people the wrong questions,

they're going to give you the wrong answers.

Well, 93% of the people they did ask

still seem to expect transport to be the biggest problem with the Games.

Exactly, there you go.

With "shambles", "chaos" and "nightmare" being the three most common words used their response.

I know, it's classic.

All I know is I've had a number of calls from Seb over the weekend.

-Oh, right, yeah.

-His thing is, this has been a thorn in our side since day one.

We are the first ever Public Transport Games,

and we've got four weeks left, roughly,

to turn public opinion around on this going forward.

Going forward? We'll be lucky.

Now I know we've got the Twenty Twelve Travel Advice Pack in preparation.

I'm not quite sure where we've got to with that.

-The what?

-The Twenty Twelve Travel...

-Yeah, yeah. That's happening.

-Right.

-OK, good. So, Siobhan, I mean, what I...

-No, totally.

-I feel that this...I think this...

-Cool. Yeah.

-Can I just finish, please?

-Yeah, sure.

I think this feels like an obvious opportunity for what would be, in effect, a brand refreshing exercise.

No-brainer. We're looking at one last push with this.

-I'm not sure one last push is perhaps the best name for this particular campaign.

-Excuse me?

Good. Right, so, next on the agenda. Sorry, we've got a lot to get through this morning.

-Hey, guys.

-The next...

-Ooh, Daniel!

-Caffeine coming in.

-Great.

-Awesome. We love caffeine.

-Sorry, Ian, don't mind me.

-No, OK.

-So, mocha, no cream, for Ms Sharpe.

-I should so marry you, Daniel!

-You so should!

As caffeine levels start to rise,

Ian is aware that with less than five weeks left to go before the Opening Ceremony

there are still a lot of things to get through if July 27th is to

happen on time as originally planned.

He was saying that it's a myth that dairy products are bad for your skin.

-No way?

-No, I heard that.

-Right, OK, thank you, Daniel.

-Pleasure. Enjoy.

-See you.

-Right, er...so, next up, the stadium.

Ah, right, yes.

Now, given its importance post-Games as a symbol of our commitment to a legacy of

sustainable...you know, a sustainable legacy...

After the collapse of the bidding process and the

withdrawal of both Tottenham Hotspurs and West Ham as potential tenants,

the future of the Olympic Stadium post-Games

is now the biggest unresolved problem for the organisers.

The point is, where exactly are we up to with this?

-Exactly, yes.

-Yeah, exactly.

-Yeah.

Just to be clear, that's not a rhetorical question, it's a question.

I mean, in terms of legacy, we know we've got to get the sustainability issues right first here.

-Yes. Pardon?

-We totally get that.

I should say that in sustainability terms,

we've always had the stadium down very clearly as a legacy commitment first

rather than a sustainability issue second.

-I really think that.

-Yes, well...

That's interesting, cos I had it down as a disaster.

So, you send that over, I sign it, and then...

No, no, I am.

Busy as Ian's day is professionally, this is also a significant day for him personally.

Do we know what's happened to change her mind? Not that you could ever know.

He's just had a call from his solicitor

to say that his divorce settlement has come through.

Well, I'll keep a lookout for them and get them back across to you

as I get them, unless I change my mind, of course. No, that was a joke.

And...and thanks for phoning, of course, too, thanks.

OK, bye.

Fi, hi.

-Sorry, Ian.

-Hey, and I've got Fi for you, Ian.

-Yes, thank you, Daniel.

-Sure. Enjoy.

-I won't disturb you.

-No, it's fine. Come in. What can I do for you?

-I just want to ask you...

-This is the stadium?

Oh, no, it isn't, actually, although I am having coffee with Roman Abramovich's people this week.

-Roman Abramovich?

-Yes.

-Well, God, that's ambitious.

-Thank you.

Yeah, I mean he could probably buy the whole thing outright.

-That's what I thought. That's why I thought I'd have coffee with him.

-Good luck!

-No, I just wanted to ask you something.

-OK.

-I was going to ask

-if you fancied lunch some time.

-Lunch?

-Mm.

-Maybe some time in the next few days?

-What, you mean lunch?

If you're free, obviously. I wanted to talk to you about something.

It's a long time since I did that. Not sure I'd still be able to remember how it all works.

Maybe this could be a chance to find out if you've still got it.

-We love this ground.

-Mm.

-We've put a lot of work into it. We bloody love it.

-Yes, right.

Meanwhile, Head of Sustainability Kay Hope

has come out to Dagenham & Redbridge FC to meet club director Dave Mills.

I suppose what I'm asking you to think about, though, is what playing at the Olympic Stadium

-could do for you.

-To be honest, it'll bloody destroy us.

The Daggers were promoted from the Conference to the Football League in 2007

for the first time in the club's history.

Following their relegation to League Two last season after a freak season in League One,

she's hoping to convince him that the Olympic Stadium

could be the perfect way of taking the club's ambitions forward post-Games.

I mean, I don't know how big an audience this ground can seat.

-Audience?

-I mean, I'm guessing 20,000.

-Yeah, 5,300, love.

Right, really? OK, well, there you go, then.

The Olympic stadium post-Games will hold up to 60,000 people.

-Right.

-Potentially even more than that. Depending on how you want to configure it. That's up to you.

-Yeah.

-But if you think about what that could mean over an entire season for you.

I mean, on an average Saturday, this ground, OK, it's...it's about half full.

-Right.

-And that's on a good day. I mean, I'm not great at maths but what's that?

It's about... Well, yeah, it works out...

Well, over the whole season, that's a fuck of a lot of empty seats.

-This is about the running track, isn't it?

-Running track?

-I should say that

I've also been talking to the Lea Valley Harriers Athletics Club.

-Oh, right.

-Don't know if you've heard of them?

-No.

-No, right. Well, obviously, we're at an early stage with this.

-They could be interested in a co-leasing arrangement with the stadium.

-Right.

So, for instance, they could use it for practice three evenings a week

-and have their games on Saturday mornings.

-Yeah.

Which, let's face it, is exactly the kind of sustainably inclusive shared future

we all want to see going forward across the whole

of the Lower Lea Valley and beyond. I really think that.

When I was at school, running round and round the track was

what they made the kids do that weren't any good at sports.

-Right.

-All the kids with glasses and funny legs and that.

-Mm.

-I mean, to be honest, I know you've got a job to do and I get that and I hope it works out for you...

-Yes.

...but basically you've got Tottenham and you've got West Ham,

-and they've pulled out, whatever.

-Mm.

And then you've got Leyton Orient, and they're thinking,

we're not going to touch that with a bargepole. And that's Leyton Orient, OK?

At some point you've got to start thinking to yourself,

have we got a bloody great turkey on our hands here?

-Right.

-You know, I'm...I'm sorry. I'm just being honest, love, that's all I am.

No, it's fine. I mean, sustainability isn't actually about easy solutions.

-It's not about being popular.

-Oh, well, you might be all right, then.

-Yes, thank you.

It's Thursday, and out at the Olympic site,

Ian has been asked to chair the final ever meeting

of the Twenty Twelve Security Committee's Special Catastrophisation Unit.

OK, well, let's make a start, then, shall we?

First of all, welcome, everyone. Good to see so many familiar faces.

I know Rachel will want to agree with me in saying

how much we appreciate your continued hard work in the last month.

Absolutely, Ian, very much so.

I know you're going to take us through the Catastrophisation feedback later, I think.

Most certainly, Ian. Really tremendous stuff, guys.

Since the departure of its last Head, the Unit has been led

by Acting Head Metropolitan Police Deputy Assistant Commissioner Rachel Crane,

closely assisted by senior advisor Commander Bob Burford.

Given the sensitive nature of the material under discussion,

we've agreed to bleep certain details for certain reasons.

The key item on this month's agenda

is the visit next week of a special US Security Forward Team,

who will be arriving suddenly to look at security arrangements for the Games.

..relating to next week's visit

which I think we should focus on first this morning.

One of them, of course, is the stories in the press

-relating to the conviction and sentencing of

-BLEEP,

which, of course, is unfortunate timing for us.

-Rachel, I don't know whether you want to...

-Indeed, thank you, Ian.

And from my pre-conversationals with them,

-this is something that the Americans are aware of and have raised.

-Yes, I bet.

Bob, I don't know whether you want to talk to this?

Yeah. So, the facts...

Over the last few weeks, stories have emerged in the press

-about the arrest and sentencing of

-BLEEP,

-a man from

-BLEEP,

who has been convicted of converting official Olympic starting pistols

-to fire live

-BLEEP.

So, for us this is standard stuff, surveillance, arrest, conviction,

Belmarsh High Security wing, pretty much the classic route. But in media terms it's...

Excuse me, Rachel, but it's exactly the kind of thing

-that has the potential to become an 18-carat pain in the

-BLEEP.

Indeed, thank you, Bob. So, the line against enquiry here is clear.

This is a one-off, it's in the past.

It's now illegal to possess a Corinthian .38 Mark 1 starting pistol anywhere in the UK,

and the Mark 2 version, to be used at this summer's Games,

will be quite clearly coloured bright blue to avoid any possible chance of confusion.

-Yeah.

-OK, good. So, that's all good.

I believe it's bright green, Rachel.

-Yes, green, yes, exactly.

-Right.

-Thank you, Bob.

-Right, OK. Excellent.

-Yeah.

So, then we were like, what about an app?

-Yeah.

-Yeah, an app, yeah.

Appedy, app, app, app.

-Like a Games Time Travel Advice app with loads of cool graphics and stuff.

-Yeah.

Cos the problem with this is it's like, it's...a lot of it's just words.

Meanwhile, across town at PR company Perfect Curve,

Siobhan Sharpe and her team are working on the brief

to rebrand the forthcoming Twenty Twelve Travel Advice Pack.

Senior Trend Analyst Coco Lomax, Information Architect Barney Lumsden

and Viral Concept Designer Karl Marx.

With words you get too many of them. What happens is you get like this blah.

-Yeah, like "improved access."

-Yeah, yeah.

-Like frequent intervals.

-Blah!

-And all like the diagrams and stuff.

-Yeah, we actually like the diagrams.

-Yeah.

-So, what we were thinking was,

if you actually want people to read this, you need to like... dial in some visual noise.

Yeah, crank it up, yeah.

-And what we've come up with as a visual concept is, less words.

-Right.

-Yes, but big type.

-Yeah.

-OK.

-No, but like some words really big.

-Biggedy, big, big, big!

-Yeah.

OK, OK, what...

Big!

What to say here? OK, so, here's the thing with this.

Let's not boil the ocean here, guys. This is a travel advice pack.

-It's not rucola science. Duh.

-Yeah.

-This is a mood buy-in, OK?

-Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

Cool. So, like...so, what? You mean like... So...

You're an airline, OK?

You've got to do the safety gig before every flight. You know that.

-You don't want people to listen to that stuff, right?

-Uh-uh.

-No.

-It's scary shit.

-No way.

What you want is, OK, these guys know what they're doing.

They've got shit like buckles and, I don't know, whistles and stuff,

and they're having a good time.

-Everything's cool. I don't need to listen to this. I'm good.

-Sweet.

-Yeah.

-Yeah, whistles, yeah.

Three things you want people to feel about travel Games time,

right off of the bat.

-Con...fi...dence.

-Uh-huh.

OK, you get a cool title, you get a front cover.

No-one's ever going to see this shit.

-Yeah, yeah, yeah.

-Groovy.

OK, so let's roll this tortoise here, guys. Break out the magic dust.

-BOTH: Yeah.

-Dust-didi-dust-didi-dust-didi-dust.

-Rachel, before we get into the catastrophising...

-Indeed.

...is there anything else that's come out of the conversations with the Americans

that we need to know about before they arrive?

Absolutely, yes. Most certainly.

We've already established that President Obama will not be attending the Games,

-but that the First

-BLEEP

-will be.

In my preliminals with Scott Coldwell in Washington,

it's become clear that they're going to be expecting

a secure delivery corridor Games-time

between the American Ambassador's official residence

-in Regent's

-BLEEP

-and the Olympic Park itself.

-No way.

-A secure delivery corridor?

-Yes.

-That's totally impossible.

-Well, hang on a minute.

-They're already saying,

and this is the latest thing, we're gonna have Boris lanes and Games lanes now.

-Boris lanes.

-Oh, brilliant(!)

-I know.

-Why not go the whole way and have a separate lane for jugglers(?)

-Graham.

-Well, why not?

that's madness, total madness.

Rachel, what exactly do they mean by that?

It's my understanding, Ian, that they're talking about an unbroken route,

guaranteed clear of traffic at all times for operational protocol reasons.

-Operational protocol?

-I'm not in a position to tell you what those are at this time.

-Right.

-In point of fact, this will have been in reference

to the movement of high-value US individuals around the city

-and the deployment of mobile US ground-to-air

-BLEEP

-capability at any time.

-Exactly, so, thank you, Bob.

-Yeah.

-They're bringing their own

-BLEEP

-with them?

-Yeah, Thunderbirds, yeah.

-Well, OK.

But surely that's all right, isn't it? They can use the Olympic Route Network.

It's my understanding that this could be an additionality to the ORN.

Yes, and it's my understanding,

-unless they're mounting their ground-to-air

-BLEEP

-on bikes, we're f...

-BLEEP

-..ed.

OK, all roads lead to Stratford.

-Cool.

-Yeah.

-That's kinda...that's just a bit... I'm bored already.

-Yeah.

-Too long, yeah?

-Yeah.

Yeah, wake me up.

'Back at Perfect Curve, Siobhan and her team

'are trying to come up with a name for the Twenty Twelve Advice Pack

'that will inspire confidence.'

-Get Up And Go.

-Hey!

-Better.

-Nice one!

-Still too long. Do another one.

-Sure, OK.

OK, um...

-Do one word.

-One word.

-Yeah, nice one.

-OK, cool.

-One word that's totally gonna blow people away.

-One word...

-OK.

-Bang.

Yeah, that's...

Do another one.

-What about Go?

-Too short.

But we're in a good territory. Go's good. I love this.

-OK. Go Go Go.

-OK.

-Cool.

-See what I did there?

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

There's too much go. Sounds like an emergency.

What about Way To Go?

-Way To Go?

-Way To Go.

-Cos it's like, way to go!

-Shit!

-Yeah, but it's also like, "This is the way to go."

-Yeah.

So, like in this travel pack, whatever, we're telling you the way to get to the Games...

-Yeah, like "Way to go!"

-..but at the same time we're totally into you, you're so gonna get there.

-Way To Go.

-Shut up!

-Way To Go!

-Yeah, also, maybe it could be like a question.

Question?

Yeah, like we're saying to people, "Way to go?"

-Yeah, that doesn't actually mean anything.

-Yeah.

-Oh, God, great olive oil.

-Mm.

-Nice and peppery.

-Mm, yes.

It's Friday lunchtime,

which for Ian means that he's gone to a mainly Spanish restaurant with Fi

-to have some lunch.

-So, what I wanted to ask you about.

-Right, yes.

You know this Director of Posterity job for the Olympic Park?

Er...yes. I mean, I know about it, obviously.

-I wanted to ask you if you thought it was worth me applying for it.

-Right, OK, well...

-If you don't feel comfortable...

-No, it's fine.

-I mean, I don't know a lot about it, obviously.

-No, sure.

I do turn up to the OP Future Steering Group meetings when I can.

Oh, OK. Do you? I didn't realise you were on that.

Mm, but I'm afraid I can't offer you any special...

-No, no, of course not.

-I haven't got any inside.

-No, no, and I wouldn't want any.

But I just wanted to ask you in principle as someone whose judgment I respect,

if you thought it was worth me applying at all.

-Right, yes, well...

-Did you decide about any wine?

-Er...Ian?

-No, I'm fine.

-Just some tap water would be great, thanks.

-Jug of water?

-Yes, that's great.

-Of course.

-Yes, I mean, obviously...

-Actually, sorry, excuse me.

-Yes?

Could I have a single glass of white wine, please?

-Of course, of course.

-A small one, obviously.

-Do you want to look at the wine list?

-No, no, I don't care.

Just a glass of white wine. House, whatever.

Sure. Are you sure you don't want wine?

-Um...well, OK, then. Why not? I'll have the same, please.

-Of course.

-Sorry about that.

-No, sure.

-I know it's mad. I just fancied a glass of white wine.

-Yeah, sure, it's a free country.

-Yes, exactly.

Yeah.

So, what we're saying here...

we're like whatever way you guys want to get here, Way To Go.

-Right.

-You want to take a tube, Way To Go.

-Right.

You want to take the bus...

-..Way To Go.

-Right, yes.

You want to take a bike...

-Way To Go.

-Way To Go.

-You wanna go by feet...

-I mean, I think... Yes, OK.

-Your feet?

-I think we're getting it, Siobhan.

Totally.

I mean, you get bandwidth on this before the Travel Advice goes out,

you've got maple syrup on your waffle from the get-go.

-I'm sorry, what is she talking about?

-Well, don't look at me.

What's not to understand, guys?

-Well, you, love.

-Yeah, you.

I think what's potentially good...

Friday afternoon, and Siobhan is back at the ODC

to report back on her mission to rebrand the forthcoming Travel Advice Pack.

We can establish an environment within which people feel positive engagement

with the idea of getting around, Games-time.

-Way To Go!

-Yes, exactly. But, Graham, your concern here is what?

- Yeah, I mean, Way To Go, that's... - Way To Go!

...that's all fine if you're trying to get to the Olympic Park.

Excuse me?

What about if you wanna have some kind of baby,

or, I don't know, a heart attack or a fire?

-How's that going to work?

-Right, OK.

So, won't emergency vehicles be using Games lanes?

-Yeah, totally, they totally will.

-I think that's the plan, yes.

It's fundamental here, guys. What nobody's getting is, road space in London,

it's like time, we haven't bloody got any.

-Yes, but what we're talking about is how it's configured.

-How it's configured is, look at a bloody map.

-OK, so, there's an issue here. Fine.

-Fine?

Obviously, we can't have the First Lady sitting in traffic on the Balls Pond Road

as Usain Bolt crosses the finishing line in the hundred metres.

No way.

She'll be bloody lucky to get to the Balls Pond Road, I'll tell you.

At the same time, we can't have Boris being mown down on his bike

by a cavalcade of armour-plated Lincoln Continentals.

PHONE RINGING

No, so what we have here

are key stakeholders with different needs which we somehow have to meet.

-OK, how about narrower lanes?

-Narrower?

-No.

-Cool.

-I'm sorry, that's...

Three lanes where there are currently two. Four where are three.

What you driving, a shopping trolley?

-I mean, that's just...it's cheating.

-Guys, guys, we're chewing sourdough here. Pull out.

-You what?

-What about scrapping the idea of lanes altogether and giving the roads back to the people.

-Right.

-Cool!

What people?

Cyclists would become more aware of pedestrians, drivers would be more aware of cyclists.

It's a much more sustainable solution.

Yes, presumably they become more aware of them because they'd run over them.

They do it in Holland. I really think that.

-That's interesting, but given the...

-OK, here's one. What about the pavements?

What do you mean, the pavements?

Ban pedestrians from the pavements an them as dedicated bike lanes, Games-time.

Right.

-Right, OK.

-Holy shit.

How's that going to work? I mean, half the cyclists in London use the pavements anyway.

Exactly. Might as well let the other half join in for a few weeks.

-Well, yes.

-Yeah, we love this, we love pavements.

-Are you serious?

-Don't know yet. Could be.

-It's only just come out of my mouth.

-But what about the pedestrians?

How are they going to get to like, you know, the shops and that?

-Well, er...

-Well, presumably on a bike.

-Oh, right.

- Yeah, on a bike, yeah, obviously. - Way To Go.

-You'd get a big uptake of Boris Bikes Games-time.

-Absolutely, yes.

-Yeah, no.

Go nuts for this. More nuts, I mean.

So, basically, what we're looking at is a win-win situation, which is always good.

And so we move on.

Good job, guys. We totally did this thing. Way To Go.

-Yes, Way To Go, yes.

-Way To Go.

Obviously, we offered them a car here from their hotel

but they wanted to audition the Central Line.

-Right. Good luck with that.

-Apparently what they like to do is,

they give you a time just to lull you into a false sense of security.

-Really?

-Yeah, classic.

9.30 on Monday morning and with 25 days to go,

Ian and Graham are out at the Olympic park waiting to both meet and greet

the US Security Forward team who are to be given a tour of the site.

But over the weekend there's been bad news.

I can't understand how this can possibly have happened.

I share that with you, Ian.

At the worst possible time,

the issue of doctored starting pistol has raised its ugly head again,

after a seagull was accidentally shot and killed

by someone trying to start an amateur 400 metre hurdle race in Ilford.

What, we're now saying there are doctored versions of the Mark 2 pistol out there as well.

What's frustrating is that after all the work we've put into security over the last five years

-from unmanned

-BLEEP

-equip...

-BLEEP

-to rapid deployment

-BLEEP

-units,

after all that we're going to end up being judged

on whether or not we're capable of producing a starting pistol

that fires live rounds.

-Yeah.

-Very frustrating.

Although I believe, in point of fact, it's one that doesn't fire live rounds we're after, Rachel.

Exactly. Yes, thank you, Bob.

-As I say, it's very frustrating.

-Yeah.

-Yes.

-You're right, yeah.

Suddenly, arriving right on time and without warning, the Americans are here.

CIA Senior Operations Analyst Scott Coldwell,

Senior Clandestine Logistics Officer Ryan Burr, and two other people.

Deputy Assistant Commissioner Rachel Crane. Welcome.

-You bet.

-Yes.

As the literal face of British Security in this situation,

Deputy Assistant Commissioner Crane knows how important first impressions are.

-OK, well, shall we make a start?

-Yeah, that'd be good.

Let's get you through the security procedurals first.

Right. This is where we get issued with our truncheons, right?

-Yes, the, er...

-Oh, you're telling me no truncheons?

Well, the... We've, um... Bob?

-Yes, I believe that's a joke, Rachel.

-Absolutely, yes. Thank you, Bob.

Going to have to ask you to remove your shoes as well, please.

-Right.

-If that's OK.

Yeah, no, that's... I mean, to be honest all I've got in there is my feet.

-Still going to have to ask you to take 'em off, I'm afraid.

-OK.

What it is is that I go through socks like butter.

Yeah.

What you're looking at here, it may look like this is a world-class sporting arena.

For us it's not.

For us, on July 27th 2012, this is going to be the safest place in the world to be

unless you're intent on any kind of terrorism whatsoever,

in which case let me assure you now,

it is going to be a very dangerous place to be indeed.

Just be clear about that, Rachel,

in point of fact, if you're a terrorist, you're not actually going to get in here.

-No, exactly.

-No. Very much so. Thank you, Bob. And let me if I may just explain why.

Over 300 hi-tech smart-dog units...

Aware of the crucial importance of the occasion,

Deputy Assistant Commissioner Crane

has come up with what amounts to nothing short of a statistical breakdown.

..deployment of troops on home soil since foot in mouth.

We get that you guys are busting your ass on this, we kinda get that.

Absolutely, thank you, Scott.

Honestly, it...it's not the big picture we're interested in here

cos we're pretty much gonna be taking care of that ourselves.

Yeah, we're good with that.

What we're really interested in is the detail in this.

-Indeed so.

-Yep.

So, I'm sitting in my hotel room this morning, and I turn on the TV,

and there's some guy talking about an Olympic starting pistol that fires live ammunition.

-Ah, right, yes.

-I gotta tell you, that got my attention.

-Yep.

No. Absolutely, yes. I mean, Bob, do you want to talk to that?

Yes, sure, thank you, Rachel.

No, look. I mean, ultimately, we want to see dog racing as an Olympic sport.

-Right.

-That's the journey we're on.

Well, perhaps we should take it one step at a time.

-One giant leap for mankind?

-Yes.

Meanwhile Kay has come out to Walthamstow to follow up another lead

about possible interest in the Olympic Stadium post-Games.

Back in the day we had three meetings a week here.

We had Mike and Bernie Winters regularly in the early days.

-Really?

-Really. We had Barbara Windsor.

-Right.

-We even had Madonna once in the '90s before it closed.

-Really?

Yes. Madonna and Guy came. It was one long party, I tell you, Kay.

Yes. Er...

When Walthamstow Greyhound Racing Track finally closed in 2008,

it was the final straw for lifelong Irishman Brian McLoughlin.

With the sport in decline generally, he formed the lobby group Hounded Out

and has devoted his life since to running a national campaign to revive it.

Yes. I think perhaps I should say at this point, Brian,

what we're talking about at the moment is the possibility

of some kind of co-leasing arrangement initially.

Yes, sure, yes, if you want. That could work.

I had a very interesting meeting with Dagenham & Redbridge recently.

-Football?

-Yes.

-Ah, no, you're having me on there.

-Well, no.

Ah, that's a joke, though. Away and fill your head!

Mm, yeah, so we're open to all kinds of ideas,

but I think it's true to say

that in most of the scenarios we're talking about so far,

football would be one of the components.

I seen your man Coe on the news the other day. He had one of those smiles on.

-I think he's actually a very happy man, actually.

-He's on about the track like it's a problem.

The track's not the problem, Kay. The track's the Holy Grail.

-Yes.

-We can do this thing, Kay.

-Mm.

-This is our chance.

-I mean I'll certainly...

You know, you're still an attractive woman, Kay. Don't throw it away.

No.

OK, so this is the official Twenty Twelve version.

Corinthian .38 Mark 3, made in Italy.

Couple of things about this piece of equipment.

Firstly, it's colour-coded red, as you can see,

so visibly there can be no doubt as to what it is and what its function is.

Whereas the other two are green, which as you can see is a very different colour altogether.

-Yes, going to be coming onto that in a moment, Rachel.

-Indeed, thank you, Bob.

The other key thing to point out is that this piece of equipment...

To reassure the Americans of the thoroughness of their approach

Commander Burford has overnight put together a display

of some of the starting pistols in question.

What you're actually looking at is a very sophisticated timing device.

Yeah, when I was at school, they just used to shout "Go!"

-Yes.

-And pretend you were deaf.

And they'd let you off, and you'd do visiting old people instead.

-Yes, thank you, Graham.

-Yeah.

So, these are the bad guys, huh?

Yes, we thought we'd show you the green Mark 2 just out of interest, sir, as such.

Feel free to handle them. They're now completely illegal.

Now, one of those, like the Mark 3 he has no moving parts,

but the other one, although it looks the same at first glance,

has been remodified too.

Even though the starting pistols in this case

are here for demonstration purposes only,

as always, a firearms safety officer is legally present at all times

to ensure that there's no danger of any danger.

The theory is that, as with a card trick,

once it's explained how it was actually done,

the audience will lose interest and go home.

Either way we're not taking any chances.

As Rachel says, as from today,

it's completely illegal to own or operate the green Mark 2 anywhere in the UK.

- Very much so. - Yeah, it's bloody clever, really.

Yes, I wouldn't wave that around too if I were you, Graham.

-Yeah.

-Yeah, OK.

- Yes, thank you, Graham. - Yeah, there's no moving parts.

-Yeah, well, but in any case...

-Well, one of them is anyway. No, hang on.

-I think I'm going to have to ask you to put these down now, guys, sorry.

-Indeed, so, thank you, guys.

We got the bad guy right here, so...

-Yeah, you say that.

-Excuse me?

Thank you, guys. If we could...

I believe I know a real gun when I see one.

Yeah, trying telling that to the seagull.

Just remind me who this prick is, again.

-He's Head of...

-No, it's all right.

I'm just saying, that's all. Keep your hair on.

I mean, shall we move on to crowd control now?

Indeed, thank you, Ian.

-Thank you, guys, if you could...

-Yes, thank you, Bob.

Thank you, Scott.

Thank you, Graham. That's great. Thank you, guys.

I think one of the things...

Agh! Oh!

Holy fuck!

-Oh, fuck!

-Shit, no!

-Oh!

-OK, OK, OK.

-Jesus!

-Give me those fucking things, you stupid bitch.

-OK, man down here, guys.

-Ow! Fuck!

-Incredible!

-Yep.

-You OK there?

-Er...no. Fuck! Oh, no, I'm fine, really. I'm fine.

OK, so, 24 days to go, Head of Deliverance.

I'm in hospital. I've been shot.

My solicitors are wondering where they should send my divorce papers

and now I haven't got a PA.

I mean, I've nothing against you, love, don't get me wrong,

but I don't think you can chair this meeting.

-I don't care who you are.

-Excuse me?

-What we've found is like, no one's bought any tickets to like, women's football.

-Nope.

Well, don't look at me. I didn't even know we had any inclusivity ambassador.

We haven't. That's the point.

-But I have managed to get you a PA.

-Well, good.

-No, don't care, not important, shut up.

-Who's that girl?

Who's that girl? Who's that girl?

My God, Sally!

No, really, it's not a problem.

# There may be trouble ahead

# But while there's moonlight and music and love and romance

# Let's face the music and dance

# Let's face the music and dance. #