Burns Supper Two Doors Down

There she is!

Eric, it's huge.

Well, what we don't eat tonight we can keep and eat tomorrow.

Huh! YOU can eat tomorrow - one night a year eating

the insides of a sheep's quite enough for me, thank you very much.

National dish of Scotland, that is.

You say to anybody in the world, "Name something Scottish,"

-and they'll say?

-The Proclaimers.

-No.

-Heart disease.

-No!

-Knife crime, heroin, Greggs...

-No!

They'll say, "haggis"!

This programme contains some strong language

RADIO PLAYS "MAGGIE MAY" BY ROD STEWART

-Hi!

-Hi, Beth. Happy Burns Day!

It's no' Burns DAY, Cathy, it's Burns NIGHT.

Oh, who gives a fuck?

So, you been out doing a bit of the old haggis hunting, have you, missus?

Oh, yes.

Here, listen, some tourists do actually believe that

a haggis is a real wee animal. ERIC LAUGHS

CATHY LAUGHS WEAKLY

DOORBELL CHIMES

Sit yourselves down.

Ah, yes!

-Christine!

-Hello, Beth.

-Everything all right?

-The least said the better.

LAUGHTER

Oh, hi, Christine.

-Hullo.

-Sit down.

So, eh, how you doing, Christine, all right?

-CHRISTINE SIGHS

-I'm OK, Eric.

I'm...OK.

Beth was saying you've been away down seeing Sophie.

-That's right.

-Oh, big Sophie, how is she?

She is living in council accommodation with a man who

comes down the stairs in the morning in his underpants

and bare feet and watches cartoons with his headphones in.

-Where is it she's moved to again?

-North Wales.

Boy, oh, boy, some journey that, eh?

Oh, you're tellin' me - seven hours I've been on that Stagecoach.

Oh, my arse was numb - I still cannae feel my right cheek.

Well, look, let's get you a drink.

Oh, and how's the baby, Christine, how's wee...baby...?

-Madison.

-That's it! Madison.

Col - I told you she was called after our bedroom

furniture from that brochure.

She's a wee angel, so she is.

-ALL:

-Awww...

She's quite heavy-set round the chin and she's got the reflux as well,

so, no sooner has she got the bottle doon her than she's spewing it

-back up on top of you but apart fae that...

-Aw, bless her.

Honest to God, Eric, she is the only thing that kept me going.

Well, that and the big bar of Galaxy that

I got for a pound at the service station.

OK - who's for a wee dram?

A wee whisky, well, it would be rude not to on Burns Night.

I'm not a big fan of whisky.

-Oh, what would you like then?

-Just a large one with some Diet Coke.

I cannae really take spirits on an empty stomach, Beth.

-Would you like a...

-Aye, a wee packet of crisps to go along with it, aye.

So what's the drill tonight, then, Beth?

Well, there's haggis, neeps and tatties and shortbread for afters.

Whit, naebody doing a poem or a song?

Woo-hoo! Sing-song - Colin is a brilliant singer -

he knows the words to stuff.

Aye, but I don't know any Burns songs.

Yeah, but we won't be doing any of that shit.

Right, here we are.

Walkers prawn cocktail, if you've got them, Beth.

We have got a really, really expensive bottle of whisky

that we bought at a distillery up near our time-share, haven't we, Col?

-We have, aye.

-That sounds lovely. How old is it?

It's about two weeks ago now, that we bought it, Eric?

OK, shall we have a wee toast?

Aye, that's a good idea!

Woo-oo-oo-f!

THAT is actually not bad.

DOORBELL CHIMES

Cheers!

Happy Burns Night, Mrs Baird!

-Hiya, Mum!

-Oh, I like that!

Oh, thank you!! I wanted to wear a kilt but he wouldn't let me.

Aw, why not?

Naw, there's no need for a kilt, you're not even Scottish!

I said I was happy not to wear pants under it.

-Come in, come in.

-Actually, could I just use your loo?

If I had worn a kilt I'd be able to walk straight in there and just go for it, wouldn't I?

IAN LAUGHS NERVOUSLY

LAUGHTER

-Hey!

-Hey! It's Ian.

-Hi, Ian.

-All right, Christine - I thought you were away...

It's all right, Beth.

I was, Ian, but let's just say I came back slightly earlier than expected.

-Right.

-We'll draw a line under it.

OK.

Do you know they had me sleeping with a cushion off the couch for a pillow?

-Hello, hello, hello!

-Hey!

-Oh, it's Gordon!

There he is, gay Gordon.

Gay Gordon, Colin!

-Are you going to do us a dance, Gordon?

-Dance! Dance!

-# Deedle, ee, dee, deedle... #

-Cathy!

-Yee-ee-ee-ha!

-CATHY!

-Hullo, Gordon.

-Hello again, Christine. How are you?

I've been in Wales.

You've had your toilet done up, I see, Mrs Baird?

Yeah, yeah. Well, new wallpaper and a lick of paint.

What's this, Beth?

Oh - have you been doing things in your wee toilet

-and not telling anyone?

-The difference is incredible!

What is it?

ERIC: Oh, we redecorated the wee downstairs loo.

Aw, Beth - I liked your toilet.

Well, it did need a bit of a freshen up, didn't it, Eric?

Oh, it did, aye.

-COLIN:

-I can't think what it was like - I've been in your upstairs

one, at least I think I have.

You have, Colin, remember you were sick in it once

when Beth did the cottage pie with the cheap mince.

So I was!

-Ah, let's get a look at it then.

-What?

-Well, I'm needing SOMETHING to cheer me up.

-I don't think...

Beth, come on, don't be shy, show us your loo.

DOOR CREAKS

Oh, that's lovely, Beth.

Oh, yes, I like it, Beth.

I can see myself in here quite happy.

Cheap toilet roll, Col.

So, what did you say you'd had done to it?

Well, new wallpaper, new light shade.

Painted the pipe chase, it was really...

It needed painting. Put down a new carpet as well.

-Oh very nice, very nice, who did it?

-Eric did.

Ah, you should have said, Eric - I'd have come and given you a hand.

Colin's brilliant at DIY - he's got two paint brushes

and I'm going to buy him an axe.

He did very well, he's done a great job.

That wallpaper's running off at an angle there.

-What?

-And your skirting board could do with another coat.

Same silly wee sink, I see as well.

OK. Everyone seen everything they want?

New wallpaper, fresh paint, same silly wee sink,

oh, but we did get a new toilet roll holder.

-New toilet roll holder?

-Yes.

-How come...

Eric pulled it off the wall. Right, everyone back through please.

Lovely...

So, is this your first time at a Burns Supper then, is it, Gordon?

-Yeah.

-I think that deserves a kiss.

You've never been to a Burns Supper, Gordon?

Nope.

Aw, you don't know what you're missing.

Aw, you'll love it - you'll absolutely love it.

-I'm really enjoying it so far.

-You enjoy yourself, Gordon.

You deserve to enjoy yourself and to be happy.

Forever.

Him too.

Wait till later, wait 'til it gets going -

because there's nothing like a Burns Supper in full swing.

-What happens?

-Everyone gets totally fucked.

Obviously, though, this is just a stupid wee thing in a house,

but see some of the properly organised ones that they have...

-They are unbelievable, Gordon!

-Really?

We went to this one in Edinburgh Castle, there was bagpipes, there

was barrel loads of malt whisky, log fires burning, remember it, Cathy?

-Erm?

-Remember!

We went back to that hotel with the bath in the middle of the room?

No.

Aw, no, right enough - that's when me and Yvonne were together.

But honestly, Gordon, what a night that was.

It was absolutely tremendous!

It's a shame Christine's trip down to see Sophie didn't go so well.

Aye, who could have predicted that, eh?

That is a long bus journey too.

Certainly for the poor bastard sat next to her.

Eric! Christine's hardly seen that baby since it was born.

Aye, right enough. OK, we all done?

-Yep.

-Good.

RADIO PLAYS "SAY WHAT YOU WANT" BY TEXAS

It's nice that Ian's brought Gordon, isn't it?

Give him a wee taste of the old Scottish traditions.

-CHRISTINE:

-Beth - I've spilt this fucking whisky down the arm of your chair.

Robert Burns is basically like a national

hero in Scotland, Gordon, isn't he, Cath?

Yes.

Cos as well as being a poet, he's sort of a...a romantic hero.

-He was a heart-throb in his day, wasn't he?

-Was he?

Oh, aye, all the experts, all the historians, they all agree,

he rode just about every lassie he met.

-I'm sweating like mad with this on.

-Take your jacket off.

Wish I had worn a kilt now.

Have you got a kilt yourself, Gordon?

No.

-I've got three.

-Have you?

-Aye.

I've got a really, really, short tartan skirt that

I sometimes wear, Gordon.

Mine cost a fortune, made to measure,

none of your off the peg tourist shite.

-What tartan are they?

-Don't know.

But see that Burns Supper I was tellin' ye aboot, they were

all in kilts - see when the dancing started, God,

Yvonne's eyes were just about popping oot her head!

-Yes, all right, Colin.

-What?

-Yvonne, Yvonne, Yvonne, Yvonne...

-I'm only just...

Yeah, we could all be sitting here banging on about our exes, Colin.

I mean Ian's not sitting here talking about Jaz, is he?

"Oh, Jaz this, Jaz that, Jaz was so lovely, he was so lovely..."

He was so much better-looking than Gordon, he had

nicer eyes, better teeth, bigger bulge.

But he's not, is he?

Ian - do you ever hear fae Jaz?

I'm only just telling him about the Burns Supper we went to.

-He just happened to mention her, Cathy.

-Oh...

-OK, everyone?

-No, we're not!

Colin is obsessed with his ex-girlfriend.

-Excuse me?

-Beth - did you ever notice Jaz's willy?

-What?

-Look, can we just leave Jaz's willy out of this?

I'm fine with it, my ex was quite well hung as well, Mrs Baird.

Look, I don't know what's going on in here

but can we just draw a line under it?

Well, you wouldn't be saying that if Eric was going on about one of his exes in front of you.

-What?

-Just saying.

Beth, was Eric not involved with a woman that

worked on the railways before he met you?

Eric, what was the name of that woman that you used to go

-with before you met Beth?

-Sorry?

You said she had awful wirey hair, Beth.

-Do we really have to do this?

-Linda, that was it.

-You're talking years ago.

-How long, Eric?

Oh, well, it was certainly before they electrified the line out to Helensburgh.

I'm sure it was Linda. Was it?

I don't know - I mean I wasn't really serious with

anybody before I met Beth, I went out with a few people.

Did you?

Well, not loads.

-COLIN:

-I always said to Cathy,

I bet when you were younger, you had a nose for it.

Oh, aye, I can just see him - buying women fish suppers

and then trying to corner them in bus shelters.

Excuse me! I didn't do anything that everybody else wisnae doing.

Look, everybody's got exes, have we not?

What's important is who we're with now, the past is the past

-and today's today.

-Hear, hear.

-BETH:

-Good idea. Cheers, everyone, happy Burns Night.

-Happy Burns Night!

-ALL:

-Burns Night.

Burns Night!

Here, Gordon, what's that tartan that you're wearing?

-It's McIntyre.

-Aw, that was Yvonne's surname.

Oh, God!

How long does it say for Gordon's vegetarian one?

It's, eh, 20 minutes.

-You all right, Cathy?

-I'm fine.

All right if I use your lovely new toilet, is it, missus?

Of course, Cathy.

RADIO PLAYS "IN A BIG COUNTRY" BY BIG COUNTRY

-So, are you a haggis man yourself, Ian?

-I'll take a bit.

-Not a massive fan.

-I tell you what,

it's good for the environment cos it's using up all the bits

of an animal that would normally end up going into an incinerator.

Or to feed other animals.

It's the circle of life, Ian.

How did your daughter meet her new partner?

Online, Gordon. Which I am not keen on -

I mean how do you know that somebody is

who they say they are on the internet?

True. He must have been really keen if he drove all the way up from Wales to meet her.

Well, he'd not seen a photo.

But, yes, up he came, took her for a Chinese meal

and within three days, she had her bags packed and her

and wee Madison were halfway down the M6 in the back of a Toyota.

What a shame.

Still, if that's what she wants, who am I to stand in her way?

Yes, there have been some harsh words

but I wish them well,

I really do.

-They can always come up and visit?

-She can, he can get to fuck.

TOILET FLUSHES

Oh, Beth, it really is lovely in there.

Oh, thank you, Cathy.

You should be so proud of what you've done in that toilet, Eric.

Right.

RADIO PLAYS "LITTLE BIRD" BY ANNIE LENNOX

So, potatoes OK, are they, missus?

Yes, fine.

And haggis? Boiling away too?

Uh-huh.

And the, orange veg? The...the...

-Turnip.

-Turnip, yeah, that's OK too?

-Yes, all fine.

-Eric, would you..?

Mm?

Would you leave Beth and I alone with the haggis for a minute, please?

Er, aye, sure.

Why don't you go and put the napkins out?

Put the napkins out, Eric, give people something to spit into.

So, how long you been in Scotland then, Gordon?

-Just under a year.

-You settling in all right, are you?

Yeah, yeah. People have been brilliant

but I still find the accent a bit tricky, sometimes.

Och, yer baws, it is!

She disagrees.

ERIC: Scotland's renowned as being one of the most welcoming

-countries in the world for foreigners to come to.

-That's true, Eric.

-Very few get attacked for no reason.

-I love it here, I really do.

Aw, that's lovely.

So, Ian - you and Jaz definitely finished then?

-Look at this.

-Who's that?

THAT is Yvonne.

Who's Yvonne?

That's Colin's ex - that's the one he's been going on about earlier.

-Oh, Cathy.

-I mean, look at the tits, they're implants.

And the pout there, oh, she's had her lips done an' all.

And the teeth - I mean, they're quite good, actually,

I wonder where she got them done.

Oh, look, oh, look - the holiday shot. Oh, look, there

she is on the balcony, look at me, glass of wine, I'm in the Bahamas.

Are you fuck, love - you're on an all-inclusive cock hunt in Corfu.

Cathy, this is NOT a good idea.

Oh, my God, oh, my God, look at what she's posted!

"Happy Burns Night, everyone, should auld acquaintance be forgot -

"big shout-out to friends old and new".

Well, we know who that's aimed at, don't we?!

-Right, you are going to put an end to this right now.

-What?

You and Yvonne, I don't want you being in contact with her.

I haven't spoken to her in years.

Oh, really? Then how do you explain this?

-Christ, she's not aged at all.

-She's a slut!

-Hey, hey, hey.

-Oh, shut up, Eric, excited about haggis.

Look, I just mentioned Yvonne because I was telling Gordon about the Burns Supper.

Right, OK, well,

I want you to tell her that she is never to contact you ever again.

-Eh?

-Am I being unreasonable, Beth?

-Well...

-Thank you.

You tell her that all lines of communication between her

and you are now officially closed.

OK, OK, OK.

-How am I meant to do that?

-Send her a message on Facebook.

No, don't, don't! No more secret messages.

-Phone her!

-I've not got her number.

-Well, then, get her to phone you!

-What?!

-Oh, shush!

OK, send her a message on Facebook, give her your number,

tell her to phone you and when she does,

tell her that she's never to contact you ever again. OK?

OK.

NOW!

-This happens a lot, Gordon.

-Does it?

Aye, she goes fucking cuckoo with the drink.

Well, anyway...

Is it not about time we had a poem or a song or something?

-Oh, I've got one.

-What is it?

It's one about wild oats.

-No, no, no, we'll not have that.

-I could do Tam o' Shanter.

Oh, Eric, that goes on forever.

Did you know Sophie won a prize at the school for doing a Burns poem.

GORDON: Did she, Christine?

Or was that for her project about the Egyptians?

Eric, was Robert Burns by any chance part-Egyptian?

-No.

-No. I didn't think so.

GORDON: I could do a song. It's not Robert Burns, though.

But it is Scottish.

-Go on, Gordon, you sing!

-WHISPERS:

-Is he shit, Ian?

Is it Danny Boy?

Oh, remember Eric sung that at your father's funeral, Beth?

That was a terrific night.

OK, OK, OK.

Shhh...

HE HUMS INTRO FAINTLY

# When I wake up, well, I know I'm gonna be

# I'm gonna be the man who wakes up next to you

# When I go out, yeah, I know I'm gonna be

# I'm gonna be the man who goes along with you

-# If I get drunk...

-Yes!

-Well, I know I'm gonna be

# I'm gonna be the man who gets drunk next to you

# And if I...haver... # THEY LAUGH

# Yeah, I know I'm gonna be, I'm gonna be the man who's havering to you

ALL: # But I would walk 500 miles

# And I would walk 500 more

# Just to be the man who walks a thousand miles

# To fall down at your door

# Da, da, da, da Da, da, da, da

-# Da, da, da, da

-Da, da, da, da

# Da, da, da, dun, diddle, un, diddle, un, diddle, uh, da, da

-# Da, da, da, da

-Da, da, da, da

-# Da, da, da, da

-Da, da, da, da

# Da, da, da, dun, diddle, un, diddle, un, diddle, uh, da, da. #

-THEY CHEER

-Gordon!

Oh, do you remember the two of them with the specs, eh?

I mean what's the matter with them?

All that money and they cannae afford contact lenses!

They're famous all over the world, Craig and Charlie.

-Craig and Charlie who?

-The Proclaimers.

-Oh, aye.

-Same as Robert Burns.

In fact, this is what Burns Night's all about, isn't it?

Celebrating Scotland's contribution to the world, isn't that right, Eric?

Aye, that's right.

Just think about it - see, at this very moment,

there'll be Scottish people in every town

and every country

and every corner of the globe -

getting fucking hammered.

-BETH:

-OK, folks, nearly time for the haggis. Eric...

Ooh, right. THEY CHEER

Up to the table!

Ooh, thanks, Gordon, son.

Oh, you're a nice boy.

He's good fun, isn't he, Ian?

-Aye, aye, he is.

-Aw, thanks.

I tell you what, Jaz would never have got up

and made a fool of himself like that.

Beth - no haggis for me. And...no potatoes.

And, em, no, em... Argh! Turnip!

-So, nothing at all?

-No, I'm having another whisky.

God, we're going to have loads.

Everybody else'll take a good helping.

Eh, Dad, just potato and turnip for me, I don't really fancy any haggis.

RADIO PLAYS "A GIRL LIKE YOU" BY EDWYN COLLINS

-You're a vegetarian are you, Gordon?

-Yeah.

Cos you feel sorry for animals or do you just like the attention?

Oh, there's the mashed tatties there.

Eh, Christine, get a bit of the old mashed tattie aboard ye, eh?

Tatties means potatoes, Gordon,

and mashed is...all mashed up.

-Dad, did you get Gordon his veggie one?

-Yep, just coming.

I dread to think what's in that, eh?

-It cannae be any worse than a real one.

-What is it that's in haggis?

-Everything.

-It's all the livers and kidneys and stuff, is it not?

No, I'll tell you what's in it - in a proper one you've heart, lung,

and liver all minced up with onion and oatmeal

but you've got to soak the oatmeal in blood.

And then it gets stuffed inside the lining of a sheep's stomach

and boiled.

-Right.

-You'll no' try even a wee bit, Gordon, no?

OK, turnip.

-ALL:

-Woo!

-Right, are we all ready?

-ALL:

-Yes!!

-Hang on, hang on.

-Everybody got everything they need?

-Aye, oh, aye.

-Yes, indeed.

-OK, ready now, Eric.

-Here she comes!

Oh, here she comes!

Haggis! Haggis! Haggis!

THEY CHEER

-Take a look at that!

-It's massive.

-Oh, there's its wee baby beside it.

-That's the veggie one.

Oh, that is tremendous, a real traditional Scottish haggis.

-Where d'you get it, Beth?

-Aldi's.

Right, come on, Eric, get it dished out, I'm starving.

Hang about, hang about.

You've got to do the Address to the Haggis first.

-Oh, no, not the whole thing, Eric.

-Yeah, yeah, I know, I know.

This is the bit where we talk to the haggis prior to

stabbing it with a knife, Gordon.

ERIC CLEARS THROAT

Fair fa', your honest sonsie face, Great chieftain o' the puddin'-race.

-What's he saying?

-Just skip to the middle.

-What?

-We don't need to hear the whole thing.

-We're ready for our dinner, Eric!

Awright, awright.

His knife see rustic Labour dight, An' cut you up wi' ready slight...

-Ho-ho!

-Look at that, eh, Gordon!

That is so gross.

Trenchin' your gushing entrails bright, Like ony ditch;

And then, O what a glorious sight,

Warm-reekin', rich!

Right, right, OK that'll do us. Come on, plate it up.

Here we are, there we are, Eric.

Cheers Gordon, thanks, son.

PHONE RINGS

-Who is it? Is it her?

-Aye. Will I call her back?

-No, speak to her now.

-We're just getting our dinner.

Answer it.

Ian, pass us over the potatoes over, will ye?

A bit o' gravy as well...

Hello?

Hi, hi, Yvonne. How you doing? Aye, long time no speak.

How's things? Oh, are you?

Oh, that's smashing,

No, I remember you saying that you'd always wanted them done.

Look, hen, what it is, Yvonne, I mean I was really just dropping you

a line to say, em...

Don't ever contact me again.

DON'T EVER CONTACT ME AGAIN.

You... You are a...

You are a fake-titted slut.

OK? Right, bye, now. Bye, bye.

PHONE BEEPS OFF

Actually, Beth, I will have something to eat.

I'll just have some potato, though, none of the other shit.

Not bad, Eric, not bad at all.

GORDON: So, em, will your daughter be having a Burns Supper tonight?

I don't know.

-I don't know and I don't care.

-Oh, Christine.

GORDON: It's a shame to think of her missing out.

ERIC: Do you not think you should give her a wee phone, Christine?

just sort all this out?

-I certainly will not.

-GORDON: Or a text?

-Just something tae let her know you're thinking about her.

-Aye, a wee peace offering.

GORDON: If she's in Wales, she might not be able to get haggis there.

-You could send her some.

-Eh?

-That's a good idea, you could send Sophie some of this haggis.

-Does she like haggis?

-Oh, yes.

She enjoys all meat-based products, Beth.

-COLIN:

-Well, why don't you send her a bit?

I mean, think about it. Haggis gets exported all over the world. I mean, surely,

we could manage to get a wee bit of this to North Wales, eh, Beth?

-BETH:

-Well, it's a lovely thought.

Beth, there's loads of it - none of us want it.

There's plenty I can give her here.

She can have some of mine.

Right. Great.

Right.

Fire it in.

-Put a wee bit of turnip in as well.

-Mm-hm.

Aye, a bit of potato - Ian, some of your mash to send to Sophie.

There you go.

That's it - right, zip it up, Cath.

Oh, listen, she'll be slaverin' when she opens the jiffy bag and sees this.

That's lovely.

I'm getting quite emotional seeing it all in the bag there.

Do you know, this tastes a bit funny.

-What d'you mean?

-Well it's sort of crumbly.

A wee bit dry. Yours?

Fine.

Naw, it's definitely...

-BETH:

-Gordon.

-Mmm?

I think you might have the wrong plate there.

Oh, it's all right, Gordon, it's only a wee bit of,

-what did you say was in it again?

-Sheep's guts.

DOOR SLAMS, GORDON RETCHES

Your lovely new toilet, Beth.

MUSIC: I'm Gonna Be (500 Miles) by The Proclaimers