Eric's Colon Two Doors Down

This programme contains some strong language

Got him home this morning. Just one night.

Still a bit sore, but he seems comfortable enough.

-Do you want to try and sit up and speak to Ian?

-Eh?

-That's Ian on the phone. Do you want to sit up and speak to him?

-Um...

HE GROANS Oh, you all right?

He's just trying.

Oh, no! No, I cannae.

-He can't.

-Oh, too sore.

"Too sore," he says. HE GROANS

SHE GIGGLES

What is it?

He says you might not be able to sit on it,

but he bets you can still talk out of it.

HE SIGHS

Ohh...

Hello there, Nurse, the ward open for visitors, is it?

-Oh, she looks shattered, doesn't she, Col?

-Oh, done in.

It's as if someone's scraped you off the floor.

Well, it's all the worry. You know, it's the stress, worry...

-Age.

-Age, poor diet, lack of exercise.

Still, at least we're here now, Beth.

Ah, yes! Thank goodness for that!

Eric, you've got visitors.

You all right, squire?

Oh, Eric!

Oh, Colin, look at him!

Look at his big legs.

-Careful, please.

-Careful, Eric.

-I'm all right, I'm fine.

-Let Colin help you, Eric.

He's good at this kind of thing, Beth.

He's pulled his dad out of a bath.

-Oh, shi...

-Eric!

Oh! Too much too soon there.

Just go and just take it easy, let's get you back down.

Back down, Eric, down. Lie down. Down, Eric!

Oh, Christ!

Dear me! What a state!

Oh, Beth, this is horrendous!

No wonder you look awful!

Listen, I'm fine, it's just a bit uncomfortable sitting up.

-Aye, when you actually put pressure on the...

-Aye.

Anyway, how's...

So, it's the actual bum hole itself that's ripped, is it, Eric?

-Oh, for God's sake.

-Look, Cathy, it's no big deal.

-Well, that's good.

Because, obviously, me and Cathy, we were really quite concerned.

Uh-huh, concerned about your bum, Eric.

It's more inside.

Ah, it's the lining of the arse?

Ah, right, it's the bum lining, Cath.

You don't say "bum lining", Colin.

It's anus.

Or is it rectum?

Beth, you'll know, what's the difference between anus and rectum?

Excuse me, do you mind?

Sorry, squire. Look, we're just curious,

we just want to know what it is that's actually happened.

There's a slight tear in my back passage

from where they took the camera thingy out.

Nothing major, it's just one of those things that can happen

when you get the check-up done.

They only kept me in overnight as a precaution.

Otherwise, I am absolutely fine.

Well, of course, you are.

Apart from the torn arsehole. THEY STIFLE GIGGLES

Aw, bloody hell! Yes, apart from that!

Right, here, before I forget, we've brought you a few bits and pieces.

Ah, that's very good of you.

One magazine.

Look! Car! Woooo!

SHE IMITATES CAR REVVING

Maltesers.

Oooh, chocolate - yummy, yummy, yummy!

And...eh, a banana.

I found it in the changing room at the gym, Eric.

That's very nice of you. You didn't need to.

Oh, not at all, missus.

-It's the least we could do, in't that right, Cath?

-Uh-huh.

We're here for you, Eric...

-..aren't we, Col?

-Oh, aye.

Well, until about 5.30,

-then we'll need to go and get ready.

-Mm-hm.

We're going out for dinner.

OK, well, I'll take these through and put the kettle on.

Er...

There's a bottle of wine in here?

I thought about Lucozade, Beth, but it hasn't got any alcohol in it.

-I had my prostate checked, remember that, Cath?

-He did, yeah.

-I didnae actually mind it.

-No, he doesn't.

I had to lie on my side, knees to chest.

-Is that what you had to do, Eric?

-Yes.

I was just a finger in a glove though. I mean, yours was the...

-He had the camera, yes.

-Boy, oh, boy!

-I don't know if I could take that.

-No, you could.

And was it when it was on its way in or when it was coming out,

did you say that the damage was done?

Do we need to go in to all the details? Beth!

-Look, he's been through quite a lot.

-Of course, of course.

Understood. Look, we'll talk about something else.

-What about going to the toilet?

-Oh, for goodness' sake...

-That'll be no Swiss picnic.

-Have you done a poo yet?

I don't believe this.

Trying for a shite with your arse in a mess like that.

Is this meant to be making me feel better?

You're normally very regular, aren't you, Eric?

Beth gives him muesli.

I go in the morning, straight after my coffee, bang!

-Don't I, Cath?

-Yeah.

-Well, he's not been yet,

but the doctor says everything should be fine, just not to...

..force it.

Ahhh.

Happy? Everybody know all they need to know?

Good, so, do you think we could possibly talk about something else?

Course we can, squire.

Sorry, Eric.

You just lie there and relax,

concentrate on getting that arse of yours back to its best.

HE GROANS

Did I ever tell you about the time

I nipped the wee bit at the end of my knob on my car keys?

DOOR BELL RINGS

SHE TAPS WINDOW

-Right, I'm ready.

-Sorry?

Let's get going! They've got wee tins of spaghetti at 24p

and if we get a move on, we can get some of those cubes of Cheddar

off the deli counter before the wee homeless guy hoovers them.

Christine, I forgot all about this.

You're joking!

I'm sorry, it's just that I've been so busy.

Oh, I see.

Too busy to make sure that your neighbour,

who many people agree should have a Blue Badge,

gets up to Asda for her shopping.

Look, why don't you come in just now?

Very disappointed.

-HE GROANS WEARILY

-Very disappointed indeed, Beth.

What's going on here?

-Eric's been in hospital.

-Hospital!

-Oh, my God!

-I'm fine.

-What's the matter with him?

-It's nothing really.

-It's private.

He's ripped the inside of his arse. HE SIGHS

-He's what?!

-A camera tore his hole open.

Oh, dear God!

Beth, come on!

Christine, it's a minor injury.

-Oh, that's a nasty place to have anything.

-Oh, aye...

I had a fold-up chair buckle under me when I was at the caravan once.

A&E had me bandaged up like a sumo.

He can't sit down properly.

What in God's name happened?

I had an appointment yesterday for a colonoscopy.

They put a camera up just to check everything was all right -

which it is, by the way - my colon is in perfect working order.

Beth gives him muesli.

It all went fine other than the fact that there was a slight

problem towards the end when they were taking the camera out.

Did you clamp on it?

-What?!

-It's easy done.

That's your body's natural reaction to an alien object.

Not his.

There was a young student doctor taking it out

-and I think she was a wee bit nervous.

-She wasn't the only one.

-It's just bad luck.

-Uh-huh.

Anyway, it's all taken care of now,

so there's no need to discuss any of it in any more detail, OK?

Have you been for a shite yet?

To be fair to you, Beth,

when you forgot about my shopping I thought to myself,

"I could slap this dozy bitch in the face."

But now I see what you've been dealing with.

It's terrible, in't it?

As soon as Beth phoned me, I says to Cathy... Um, what did I say?

He said, "It's something to do with his arse,

"we better go in for a bit,

"but we'll not let it stop us going out for dinner."

-You all right, Eric? How's it feeling?

-Just the same.

Excellent.

Where do you do your shopping, Cathy?

Sorry?

Your shopping?

Where do yous go for it?

Colin, what does she mean?

We just pick stuff up from Marks & Spencer, Christine.

Pat bought nectarines out of there -

perfectly ripe.

So they fucking should be at that price.

Colin, you could take Christine to Asda?

-Sorry?

-You could take her up for her shopping, could you not?

In fact, you could go as well, Cathy.

Colin's got his wine, he can't drive.

-But he's only had a wee sip of it.

-Eh?

You've only had a wee sip of your wine.

HE CLEARS HIS THROAT

HE GULPS

-It's a no, Christine.

-HE SIGHS

I'll take you tomorrow.

Tomorrow's no good to me.

I've got nothing in for my dinner.

Aww.

SHE TAPS GLASS

-Have you got eggs?

-Eh?

Well, if you've got eggs you're never stuck for a dinner.

I quite often make Cathy a wee omelette if she's wasted

and can't get anything solid down her.

An egg for my dinner?

I bet you're not having a fucking egg for yours!

We're actually going out for dinner.

Oh, aye.

It's a couple we know from the time-share, Christine.

-Paul and Debbie.

-He's got his own business and she's...

she's his wife.

If yous two have to make a move, don't let me hold you back.

No, no, no. MESSAGE ALERT BEEPS

Eric, what are you having for your dinner?

I'm not hungry.

Ah, well, you should go round to mine, cos there's fuck all in there.

That's Ian - he's coming round. He says, "Do you need anything?"

Aye, a new arsehole!

ALL LAUGH

-No, I'm all right.

-OK.

-Is that Ian, is it Beth?

-Uh-huh.

-And is he on his way over?

-Yes.

-Where is he now?

-Just leaving his place.

Pat had a camera up her bum.

-Remember I told you about that, Beth?

-Yes.

They primed her with a finger though.

Mind you, that's some people's idea of fun, isn't it?

Sometimes more than the finger, as well.

-Some people take the whole...

-Christine, more coffee?

-What's that called again?

-Eh, Christine!

What's that thing where...?

-Christine!

-Fisting!

Fisting! That's it.

-WEARILY:

-Oh, my God...

Though how, in God's name,

anybody gets pleasure out of that, I do not know.

I mean, can you imagine it, Beth,

the whole hand inside?

Like Sooty!

BOTTLES CLINK

-DOOR OPENS

-Hi!

Aw, there he is! My personal shopper has arrived!

How's it going, how's Dad?

Och, he's fine, just taking it easy.

Get those Magnums straight into the freezer, Beth!

-Where's Gordon?

-Uh, he's working.

-Did you get my Peperamis?

-Yes!

Did you pay for it on your card?

Yeah, but I'll get the cash off her now.

Bring them in and I'll have one with my coffee.

-Hiya, Dad.

-Hiya, Don.

-Ian!

Ah, you've got visitors already I see.

-Oh, yes...

-Ian!

-Yes, Christine!

Where's these Peperamis?

Are you comfy like that?

Well, I was...

-He can't sit down properly, Ian.

-Oh!

His bum's in a mess.

Can't stand any pressure on the hole at all, Ian.

-We're here for you though, Eric, aren't we? Hmm?

-Aye.

-What time is it now, Col?

-How much do I owe you, son?

That's the receipt there.

Right, thanks, let's have a wee look at this.

Aw, I feel sorry for you, Beth.

Col, I feel guilty about leaving Beth all on her own with Eric.

Aw, I know, it's a shame.

Will you be all right, Beth?

I'll be fine.

Aw, that's good, I feel better now.

What's that?

-Wait a minute - kitchen roll, £2?

-What?

Christ, what do they absorb? Apart from the contents of my purse!

And what's this for cream crackers?

Oh, that's the double pack.

Oh, right, I'll let you away with that then.

Aw, aw, wait a minute!

Sausages - £3?

They didn't have the ones you wanted. These are organic.

-They're what?

-They're organic -

the pigs are allowed to run about wherever they want.

I don't care if they've been running about

with Peppa fucking Pig herself, son, I'm no paying three quid for them.

Right, well, OK, just call it 40 quid, Christine.

40 quid?

Aye, well, it's £42 whatever,

so just say 40 and that'll do us.

38 and I get the points.

You got any more nibbles in there, Christine?

I could do with a wee something to keep me going.

Sorry, Colin, it's...

it's just essentials I've got in here, you know?

-ASIDE:

-Beth, did you fire the Magnums

-into the freezer for me, aye?

-Mm-hm.

Woooo! Look at this!

Cathy, put that down.

Beth, take that off her!

Get off me!

I'm just joking, Eric.

HE GROANS

Oh, and by the way, I got you a bag of onions,

it was cheaper than the three pack.

Eh?

What am I going to do with a bag of onions?

Take them home.

I tell you what you could do - you've got leeks,

you've got onions, you got carrots in there?

Well, knowing him, I'll have a sack of the bastards.

You've actually got everything you need for a pot of...

Vegetables!

Soup! You could make soup!

Aw, naw, naw, naw. I cannae be arsed with that.

-Why not?

-All that chopping and peeling and boiling

and then you're farting like billy-o for days after it.

Did you not make me soup in a Tupperware dish once

-when I wasn't well, Beth?

-Did I?

-She did! Remember, Col!

She handed it in, and I got you to put it down the drain?

-That's what you're needing, Eric.

-Eh?

Soup for the invalid.

-Aw, Mum makes great soup.

-Aw, are you making soup, Beth?

-What?

-Are you wanting some of my veg?

-No.

On you go, Beth, make soup - if you get your skates on,

we could get a chance to have a quick taste of it.

Now, listen, I don't think...

Here Eric, that'll sort you out, eh?

A big plate of home-made soup.

How does that sound?

I'm not hungry.

And I'm not making soup!

MUSIC ON RADIO

Did you hear we're going out for dinner, Ian?

Oh, right, very good.

That's why I'm not getting too pished.

-And we're here to see your dad, obviously.

-That too, yeah.

It's a couple we met up at our time-share, Ian.

Debbie and Paul.

Right.

He's got his own business.

And she's....

..she's his wife.

He's got the right idea, Paul -

-makes a lot of money doing something he loves.

-What's that, then?

He's a bailiff.

-Aw, here she is.

-Beth!

How's it going in that kitchen with the old soup, eh?

Oh, soup kitchen, Colin!

Aw, you'd be good at that, Beth, eh? Wouldn't she, Cath?

Aw, yeah, yeah - I can see you feeding tramps, Beth.

You need to watch with these soup kitchens, you know?

Pat was telling me there's a lot of folk that go there

that are not actually homeless. They just go down there for a feed.

-Really?

-Aye, she goes down there every Tuesday night

with her hood up for lasagne and chips.

-What kind of soup is it we're having, Mum?

-Leek and potato.

Aw, she's snaffled my tatties as well.

Ian, receipt!

You got any bread to go with it?

You want a slice of bread to go with your soup, Eric?

I don't even want soup!

-Eric wants crusty bread with his - you any crusty bread?

-No.

-You got any bread at all?

-I've got a loaf of wholemeal.

-Aw, no.

-Aw, no wi' soup.

-No.

-Nah, that's shit!

Christine, what've you got? You got a loaf in there?

Well, it was on my list.

There wasn't any so I got you four finger rolls instead.

Aw, fucking useless.

Never again.

What you really want with a bowl of soup is a bit of crusty bread.

Oh, yes, with right thick slices.

-Aye, dunk it.

-Aye, dunk it and soak it.

Wipe the bowl clean with it!

Oh, aye, and that would save on your washing up, as well, Beth.

Aye, I cannae believe we havenae got any.

Aye, that's a shame - you'll just have to eat your soup and go home.

Well, not unless, Gordon's coming over after work.

-He's what?

-Is he, Ian?

He's coming over after work

so maybe I could get him to bring a crusty loaf?

DOOR BELL RINGS

I'll get it.

In you come. Did you get one?

Yeah.

Aw, here he is!

Aw, there's Gordon!

This is turning into a great day.

Aw, look at you, Gordon, like a wee baker's boy.

There he is with his loaf. Hm!

HE HUMS: Music From Hovis Advert

-SHE LAUGHS

-Aw, I remember that.

SHE HUMS TUNE

Here, did you come on your bike, Gordon?

CACKLING

BOTH HUM TUNE

No, I came in my car.

Look, Eric, look who it is.

That's Gordon.

Say, "Hello, Gordon."

Hello, Gordon.

Aw, let me just give you a little kiss.

That's just a thank you.

Well, let's see it then, Gordon.

# Da-dah! #

That's what we're talking about.

Let's see it.

Oh, here, I hope you've got plenty of butter in there.

Butter, Beth, Butter!

Do you know, Gordon, that is exactly the same kind of loaf

that I was carrying when I hit that wee Indian man

in the face coming off the bus.

How are you feeling, Mr Baird?

He's still quite sore, Gordon, he's not done a poo yet,

but we're going for a meal with Paul and Debbie.

Here, Gordon, you come over here and sit next to me, son.

You want a wee Peperami?

Oh, erm, I'm vegetarian.

It's only a half.

So, what exactly happened, Mr Baird,

-or do you not want to talk about it?

-I don't want to talk about it.

He's ripped the inside of his...

HE SIGHS

Beth, did we ever find out if it was anus or rectum?!

My money is on rectum.

Well, you get the Anusol for the you know what

so I'd go the other way.

-Were they checking your prostate, Mr Baird?

-Colon.

I've had a colonic irrigation, Gordon.

It was OK but I said to Colin,

"I've had more come out of me on a good bidet."

I've had my prostate checked.

Have you? So have I.

He actually quite enjoys stuff round there.

Okey dokey, folks!

Oh! Hi, Gordon!

QUIETLY: Welcome to the asylum.

At last!

Aw, at last, eh!

Smell that, Eric, you'll take a bowl of that, eh?

You should eat something, Eric.

-Aye, right, OK.

-Good man.

You want to try sitting up for it?

Do you want to sit up for your soup, Eric?

Sit, Eric! Sit!

OK, OK, I'll give it a go.

-Col, give him a hand.

-Do you want me to help you, Dad?

Can I do anything?

You just stay there, Gordon -

did you see that thing on the television last night

where the wee baby rhino got towed out the mud by the Jeep?

-ERIC GROANS

-You all right?

Oh, oh, oh! Careful, Eric.

No, no, no. Too much, too much.

-You sure?

-Yeah, too sore.

I'm happy to hold the bowl if someone wants to spoon it into him.

I'm not getting spoon-fed soup, for God's sake!

But you should eat something, Eric.

Aye, have something, Dad.

Oh!

Gordon, I'll do that.

No, no. I don't mind.

I fed my grandma stewed apples the day before she died.

Ready, Mr Baird?

-I can do it, if you want.

-No, no, I don't mind.

Neither of you need to do it.

And, open wide, here comes a big one...

Oh, good boy, Eric! Good boy!

Oh, here's the loaf, Christine!

Oh-ho, yes!

-There we go!

-I'm all right. Thanks, Mum.

Lovely.

Cathy, soup?

I'm going to save myself for food

that's been professionally cooked, Beth.

But thanks.

What do you reckon to it, Christine?

Mm.

It's well salted.

Is that the jelly stock with the peel back lid, Beth?

It is.

-Fresh parsley?

-Yes.

Mm.

Well, I have to say...

It's absolutely delicious.

Ten out of ten, Beth.

ALL CHEER

Oh, wait!

A wee bit of potato there not cooked through properly.

Just the nine this time, Beth.

MESSAGE ALERT BEEPS

-HE SIGHS

-What?

You're joking.

-What is it, Col?

-Message from Paul.

"Sorry, we need to cancel tonight, Debbie's tired."

-She's what?

-Well, just says she's too tired.

Too tired? How can anyone be too tired to go for a night out?

What will I say?

-Get him to give her a Red Bull.

-Oh, Cath!

Oh, God, what we going to do now?

Well, we can't go. They booked it and it's for four people.

Well, can't he bring somebody else?

-He cannae leave her sitting in the house on her own.

-Well, can't...

Beth?

What?

Would you and...Gordon like to come for a meal with us?

I'm actually quite enjoying my soup, Cath.

Aw, great,

so I'm just supposed to sit here and watch him

with his fat arse in the air

and Christine dribbling soup all over the place.

Excuse me, I have not dribbled...

Aw, fuck, so I have.

Listen, don't feel you have to stay.

Hey, hey, hey! Listen, we're not going anywhere.

That is the last, Colin. We are never speaking to them again.

MESSAGE ALERT

Oh, that's Paul saying, "What about next Saturday instead?"

Yeah, that'd be all right, yeah, yeah.

SHE SLURPS

SHE SIGHS CONTENTEDLY

Oh.

-Have you had enough?

-Aye, that's enough.

-Have you had enough, Eric?

-Aye.

-Beth.

-What is it?

-Come here.

I think I need to...

I think need to go to the loo.

Oh, right, do you want to just use that bottle again?

Go on, and I'll get them all to look away.

No, no, no. I need to...

Oh, right, right, up you get.

Right, come on. Take my arm.

-What's happening?

-He needs the toilet.

This is him gearing up for a shot at it now, Ian.

ERIC GROANS

OK?

Yeah, fine, fine. I'll manage.

Maybe someone should go and make sure he's OK?

I'll go, Mrs Baird.

There we are.

-Thanks, son.

-Now, do you know where everything is,

you've got your sink there, you've got your toilet paper, you've got...

DOOR SLAMS

HE SIGHS

I wonder how he's doing in there.

I tell you, this is make or break time, this.

Aw, poor Eric, all alone on that toilet,

his little face all scrunched up.

Squeeze, squeeze, squeeze!

Maybe we should go through and just check that he's all right?

-Do you think?

-Aye, I think we should,

we cannae let him down at this stage of the game, can we?

-What are you doing?

-Has he been?

-Shh!

-Are you listening to him pooing?

No, Cathy, we're not. We're just making sure he's all right.

-Nothing's come yet.

-Is he actually on the pan?

He is, aye. I heard the seat creaking,

so he's definitely sat down.

I think I heard something there.

What did you hear? Was it plopping?

No, just like a trickle of water or something.

He could just be starting with a slash.

OK, everyone, that's enough. Let's go back through, come on!

Let's leave him and give him a bit of dignity.

PLOPPING Oh, what was that?

MORE PLOPPING Oh, he's away now.

-PLOPS CONTINUE

-That's him now, Beth.

That's smashing! He's doing well.

Is that it?

Possibly.

He might just be having a wee breather.

ERIC GROANS

No, that's him now.

All right, Beth - quite happy?

Maybe that soup of yours did the trick.

FLUSHING

Well done, Eric, excellent work.

Well done, Mr Baird.

Good boy, Eric.

Have you been stood out here listening to me going to the loo?

No, I was going through to the kitchen.

ALL MUTTER

Unbelievable.

Can I give you a hand, Mrs Baird?

No, you're fine. Thanks, Gordon.

Let her do it, son, gives her something to do.

What will we do for dinner then, Cath?

I've had enough wine, I'll need to switch on to vodka.

-What you boys doing for your tea?

-I don't know.

-Maybe get a pizza?

-A pizza!

Here, Cath, when was the last time we had a pizza?

Ah, are you phoning a pizza?

That would save me making a dinner.

Cathy, did we not get a voucher for Domino's?

In fact, you'll have had one!

Beth, can we use your voucher?

Beth!

No!

What is it? What's the matter?

You are not ordering a pizza.

-Aw, Eric...

-No way! Forget it!

Would you prefer a Chinese or something?

No, I don't want a Chinese! I don't want anything.

I've been lying on that couch all day listening to you lot

go on and on about cups of tea, glasses of wine, bowls of soup,

Christ, I couldn't even get five minutes sat on the pan

without a bloody audience!

Well, no more!

I've had it!

Thank you for your concern, but there's the door -

you may bugger off

and leave me and my dodgy backside in peace, OK?

-SCREAMING:

-Oh, God!

-# Sit down

-No, I can't sit down

-# Sit down

-No, no, I can't sit down

-# Hey, girl, sit down

-No, no, I can't sit down

-BOTH:

-# I just got a message and I can't sit down

-# Sit down

-No, no, I can't sit down

# Sit down, hey, hey, sit down

# Never, never, never, never will sit down

# Go away, don't bother me

# I can't sit down

# I just got a message and I can't sit down

-BOTH:

-# I just got a message and I can't sit down

# I just got a message and I can't sit down. #