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This programme contains some strong language.
I wonder what's going on there. Beth! Come here and see this.
Oh, what's happened?
I don't know.
Don't let them see you.
Don't want to look like the nosey neighbours.
-Right, that's them going, will we go down and see what's happening?
Colin! What's going on?
Everything all right?
We've been broken into.
-Oh, you're joking.
Oh, you poor thing.
Have they taken much?
The usual. Laptops, jewellery,
it's the sentimental stuff that gets to you, though.
That big fake Rolex I got in Thailand - just gone.
It could have happened to any of us.
Aye, well, not really, though, Eric. I mean, they're not going to
target your place, you know, they want stuff they can actually sell.
Just shows you though, eh, you can have all the fancy alarms
and security cameras you like, they're always going to find a way.
How did they get in?
I left the patio doors open.
Oh, Cathy, I'm so sorry.
Oh, how are you feeling?
-I'm in shock, Beth.
If it wasn't for my Botox, it would really show.
Have you lost much?
Mainly expression around my eyebrows.
House stuff, Cath, stuff out the house, she means.
They said we've to make a list but I'm finding it really difficult.
Well, you're upset.
And I can't find a fucking pen! Oh, Beth, I'm devastated, I really am.
Oh, come here, you.
Look, the most important thing is that you're both OK.
Well, that's right, you're right, Eric.
I mean, I feel fine, actually.
It was actually a good opportunity to get a word with the police there.
-Cos I said to them about those jonnie bags
we found lying at the foot of the road - he said it was
most likely as a result of someone getting pumped in the back of a car.
Well, well, look, let's just focus on getting you back to normal, shall we?
-Yes, Eric, normal! Life will carry on as normal.
I refuse to be affected by this.
I refuse to live in fear because of what's happened to us.
I'll get it.
-What did the police say, then?
-Oh, they were excellent.
Within two minutes, they could tell me it was an opportunist,
working alone, looking for high-value items to sell for drugs.
God, that's amazing.
And what are the chances of them catching him?
Oh, hi, Christine.
Colin, I've just heard what happened.
I know. I mean, what can you say?
Oh, fucking scum!
There was a bungalow on the other side got done last month.
-I never heard about that.
Came in in the middle of the night while they were asleep in their beds.
That's why I always sleep with all my jewellery on.
-Oh, aye -
when I come down in the morning for my breakfast, I'm like Mr T.
Did they take much?
The usual - laptops, money, iPad.
Thank God it wasn't me -
they would have been off with that wee toastie machine of mine.
I mean, it sits there in full view.
I-I still can't believe it.
I think I'm still in shock.
Hot sweet tea, Cathy, that's what you want for shock.
Do you want me to go and make you a cup of tea, Cathy?
No, thanks, Beth.
I'd take one though, Beth.
You're not in shock.
No, but I was excited when I saw the police car.
I'll make you a tea, Christine,
it'll be good to take my mind off things.
Oh, thanks, Cathy. God bless you.
-What a shame.
-I know, she's taken it bad.
She has, aye.
Here, Beth, you go through and see if she's got any biscuits.
-What is it?
-They've been in the drawer.
They've been in the cutlery drawer.
How do you know?
I had Valiums in there beside the teaspoons and they've gone.
-Are you sure?
I keep some in there, some in the living room,
some in the bathroom, some in the hall cupboard,
some in the vase on the landing and the rest in the car.
Just to help me reverse park.
Come on, we'll go back through to the living room and sit down.
No, Colin, I can't be in this house!
I mean, the thought of them being in here is making me - oh!
Come on, calm...
I don't think we should stay here either, Beth?
Well, if we're not getting a tea, there's no point.
Do you know that, if you get caught thieving in Saudi Arabia,
you get your hands cut off?
-Can you imagine that, Eric?
-Aye, I know.
That'd certainly put them off burgling and what have you.
Mind you, stumps - no fingers - no fingerprints,
might just make the whole thing a lot easier for them.
How you feeling, Cathy?
A bit better, I think that brandy's helped a bit.
As I say, it's helped a bit.
Would you like another one?
Well, if you think I should.
I'll maybe take a wee one as well, Beth.
The last thing Cathy's needing on top of all of this is to be drinking alone.
Crime in this country is out of control.
Nobody's got any respect for each other nowadays.
As I said before, fucking scum.
I would never stoop to stealing.
Nor me, Cathy, no matter how bad things got.
Yeah, you've got to keep your dignity.
I've always said, if it ever came to it,
I would be a drug dealer before I would be a thief.
-I would not get nutted myself, though.
Or sell outside schools.
During term time.
I tell you what, they were lucky we were away cos, see,
if I'd got my hands on them...
Mmm, aye, I can just see the headlines in the paper now -
Man Bores Burglars To Death.
Beth, you've not got a wee biscuit on the go, have you?
It's worse if you're living on your own - I mean,
that just doesnae bear thinking about.
Pat keeps a knife under her bed.
In case she's broken into?
It's really for buttering crackers but it could double up.
-If we were in America, we could have guns!
They're ten a penny there. They sell them in supermarkets.
Jesus, can you imagine? I just popped in for a pint of milk
and ended up buying a Kalashnikov as well.
-What's wrong with that?!
-Oh, no, no, no.
What, people having guns inside their own houses?
No, that's a recipe for disaster, that!
He's right. I mean, I cannae keep track of my remote control,
never mind a fucking pistol.
You'd have to use it responsibly, Eric.
It would only be if someone attacked me that I would shoot them.
Or if they attacked Colin.
Or if they didn't attack either of us but were just being a cow -
you know, just a little warning shot at their feet.
Ch, ch - BANG!
Hello, Mrs Baird, how are you?
What's going on?
Cathy and Colin have been broken into.
Oh, no, what a shame.
-Are they OK?
Well, Cathy's a bit down about it, to be honest.
Bang-bang! Bang, bang, bang, ba...
-Oh, hi, Gordon.
I'm so sorry to hear about what happened, are you OK?
I'm in shock.
Oh, thanks, Gordon. I feel safe with you, honey.
We were at the time-share -
we have two weeks high season anywhere in Europe.
It's the Platinum Plan, Gordon.
-I came through the door, put the cases down.
Went through the hall, into the living room and that's
-when I knew something was up.
The place was a mess, Ian.
Not like in here, where it just needs a good tidy. I mean, a mess.
There was stuff all emptied out the drawers,
a DVD player pulled out the wall.
Important medicine removed from its hiding place!
What an absolute nightmare.
Thank you, Gordon, that means a lot, honey.
Let me give you just a small kiss.
Have they got any idea who did it?
I'll tell you who did it...
All right, Christine, we know who did it. Fucking scum, thank you.
The police have been, but, eh,
-they don't think there's much hope of catching them.
They're only interested in sitting in the comfort of their cars,
with the speed gun in one hand and a bacon roll in the other.
Did anyone ever watch The Bill?
So what have you two been up to?
-We've been in town getting suits.
It's Morven and Lynn's wedding.
-Is that the lesbians?
Oh, that's lovely.
I'm all in favour of the equal rights.
-I'm going to a wedding myself.
Aye, but a proper one, though. See, the trouble I'm having, trying
to find something for round my neck to go with that dress I've got.
I'm sure I could find you something.
Would you like to get married, Gordon, if they keep allowing it?
-So are we getting a look at them?
No, I've got a photo on my phone I can show you.
Don't be so lazy and nasty, Ian, go and get them!
Gordon, if you had the choice between prison
and getting your hand cut off, what would you take?
Colin's got a lovely Hugo Boss one, Gordon.
It's midnight navy with purple lining. It's really classy, in't it?
Oh, yeah. Every time he wears it, I just want to shag him.
Right, let's get a look at them.
Oh, I like a man in a suit!
Makes them look distinguished.
Well, not Eric.
He just looks like a probation officer.
Oh, yes. Very smart.
See, that'll do you for funerals, too, as well as gay weddings.
Try them on!
Oh, not just now, Cathy.
Come on, those off and that on!
It's a bit like being on that Gok Wan show, in't it?
Oh, I love him!
Beth - Gok Wan, eh?
-Yeah, I don't mind him.
-Who's Gok Wan?
Och, you know, with the big specs and the teeth. He does that programme
where he gets folk to strip naked and then they burst into tears.
He's no oil painting himself so he's ideal for it.
Oh! Put the trousers on!
Gordon, put the trousers on.
-Come on, slip your jeans off.
Jeans off! Jeans off! Jeans off!
No, honestly, they're a bit long, anyway, the trousers.
Are they? Did you buy long trousers, Gordon?
I can get them taken up.
Oh, don't be daft, I can do that for you.
You don't need to, Mrs Baird.
Oh, it's fine. If you're putting them on, I'll just pin them up, get it done.
There you go - your own personal seamstress.
Here, Beth - I've got a pair of cords that are needing let out.
They're fine before I've had a meal, Gordon,
but, see, once I've eaten, they just cut me in half.
Right, let's get you out of these, mister.
You're not shy, are you? Oh, his legs are lovely and smooth.
Colin's are hairy, but he does clipper all around his ball area.
It's an electric razor I use, Eric, it's...
..it's... Well, it's actually quite a pleasant sensation.
Oh, they are lovely, aren't they, Col?
They don't look that long.
What shoes are you wearing, Gordon?
Oh, I hate lacing shoes.
Half an inch off, Ian?
Eh, eh! Cathy, can you get out the way, please?
-Can I measure him, Beth?
-Eh - you don't need to do that.
She's just trying to help, she enjoys helping men.
Doesn't he look lovely, Eric?
Are you feeling a bit better now?
I am, thank you, honey.
It's good to have something to take my mind off things.
Aye, you'll be fine. Once you get the place tidied up and made
to feel more like home again, you'll forget it ever happened.
It is quite traumatic, when you think about it.
Someone coming into your home when you're not there.
I mean, if it was me, there's no way I'd be able to go back and sleep there.
That's lovely, Eric, thank you.
-I don't think I could, Eric.
Actually, I can.
Oh! I enjoy a brandy.
I like whisky, too.
It's the clear spirits that you've got to watch.
You drink vodka, though.
Aye, but only if it's mixed with orange, though.
Did you bring me a towel?
I don't like Beth's wee thin ones.
I brought you a towel.
And socks - did you bring socks?
I don't like her cheap carpet on my bare feet.
I brought socks.
-What's the matter?
-Everything all right, Colin?
Well, there's been a bit of a development.
What kind of a development?
What is it?
Well, obviously, we know what they've taken from the house.
But they've left some stuff as well.
-Well, there's some stuff that they've left behind.
It's like a wee deposit.
-They've not shat in your Jacuzzi, have they?
What is it, Col?! Tell me!
They've performed a sexual act.
What kind of sexual act?
They have pleasured themselves.
Oh! Oh, no! Where? Where have they done that?
-In the bedroom.
It's all right, Cathy - you can turn your mattress.
No, it wasn't on the bed.
Where was it? Tell me.
It was in your pant drawer.
Oh, no, I don't believe it.
Oh, dear God.
That is so gross.
I mean, how would you even...?
You just trousers down, up on the tiptoes...
All right, Colin!
-I want everything out of that house now!
Every single pair of pants out of that drawer and into the bin!
Cathy, no - that's a bit drastic.
There is spunk all over my pants!
What do you expect me to do?
Well, a boil wash and a wee bit of Vanish, no?
Oh, come here, you.
No, get off me! Can you not just leave me alone?
In fact, I want every single bit of clothing out of that house and in the bin!
Come on, Cath! There's no need for that.
OK, shall we make a start?
-It's a bit over the score, is it not?
I mean, she definitely wants everything out?
You know what Cath's like.
Well, I mean, I could see the point if he'd been in other places,
but the fact that it was only in that one drawer...
You don't think...?
We'd better check and see.
How is she?
I've run her a bath
and given her half a bottle of white to keep her going.
It's terrible, isn't it?
Did I ever tell you about the time that Pat saw a man
-masturbating into a bin in a railway station?
It was in Kilmarnock. She was on her way to see a swimming gala.
Christine! Can we just talk about something else?
Of course, Beth, of course.
She also saw a woman stealing a roll of sellotape. Same trip!
Gordon, you're still sitting in your pants!
Oh, I don't mind.
Let's get these trousers sorted.
You all right, Cathy?
It's the first time I've ever had a bath here.
-It's so tiny.
-You feeling better?
-I am, thank you.
Honestly, I don't know what I'd do without you.
You, and your little bath and your cheap dressing gown.
You are a godsend, missus.
FRONT DOOR OPENS
I had a bath.
To relax myself.
You had a bath here?
-In that wee...?
Cathy, are you sure you want to chuck all this?
It does seem a terrible waste.
The thought of having any of it near me...
It's not been touched, Cathy.
-We have searched the entire place, haven't we, Eric?
And it's honestly only that one drawer he's had a go at.
I think it's probably been an impulse thing.
You know, just when he's opened it and seen the pants, it's obviously just...
Why don't we throw all the pants out and just wash everything else?
I'm not washing 20 bags of clothes, Colin!
Aye, but you canny just chuck away all your clothes.
-We could go to a laundrette.
A service wash - you pay someone to do it all for you
so you don't have to do it all yourself.
I've already had one stranger rummaging through my stuff, thank you!
Well...well, what about if it's not a stranger?
What do you mean?
Well, we could get someone we know to do it.
You know, somebody you trust.
Somebody who you've seen hanging out the washing
and would never say no to you at a time like this.
Everything on a 60, please, Beth.
And none of the own-brand fabric conditioner.
I don't want to smell like the inside of a taxi!
How you feeling now, Cathy?
Much better, thank you, Christine.
I always find that a good soak calms me down as well.
Good for softening up your toenails if they're due a clip, too.
I actually prefer a bath to a shower.
And I'd never wash my hair in a bath.
Water that you've used to wash your undercarriage then being
used for over your head!
Oh, no! No, no, that's a no-no, Cath.
Right, let's take a look at these.
I want everything double double-checked
and, if there's any sign of anything, it goes in the bin!
That's fair enough.
Oh, there's your Puffa there, Cathy.
Oh, that's nice.
I hope they haven't cum on that.
Seems all right.
Beth? Puffa jacket coming through.
Oh, do not tumble-dry it!
What's in this one?
-What is it?
It's your, er, bras.
They've got a drawer to themselves.
-We'd better check them.
It's frilly stuff, in't it?
Mm-hm. That is just the kind of thing that would get his tail right up in the air.
Right, Ian, tip them out.
Eric, get your big middle light on so we can see what we've got here.
-Nah, it's just a bit of fluff.
Here. Cathy, do you want these gel things taken out before you
put them in the machine?
Beth can sort all that.
That purple one's my favourite, Ian - I always wear that
if we're staying in a hotel.
Christ, how many bras does she need?
I've only got my good Marks & Spencer one for going out
and my old Cross Your Heart for round the house.
Hi, Pat. I'm in at Beth's.
Well, Gordon's trousers are too long
and somebody's shot their load into Cathy's knicker drawer.
I thought, when that phone went, it might have been the police ringing you.
That's a point, actually - you've not told them about this, have you?
-They know about the break-in, but they don't know about him going in the drawers.
Honest to God, Pat, I've been in and out Accessorise like a whore
at a truckstop, and I still cannae find anything to go with it.
Well, they did say just to ring if there was anything else.
Well, go and tell them, Colin!
Ah, right, Pat. OK, then. Over and out.
I think the moths might have been at this one, Cathy.
Is there spunk on it or not?
Hello, it's Colin Whyte here. You were out seeing us
earlier in Latimer Crescent.
Aye, that's right, we were broken into.
No, she...she's calmed down a bit. She...she's had a bath.
Erm, what it is is that
whoever's done the break-in has also done something else.
Something a bit dirty.
No, no, it's not a shite.
They've, well - how can I put this? -
they've wanked onto my wife's pants.
Oh, here she is! It's like sale week at Oxfam here,
and you're farting about in that kitchen.
Excuse me, Christine, it's a Chinese laundry in there!
Beth, plenty of those little sheets in with the tumble-dryer,
please, so nothing smells of your house.
Oh, Gordon, I forgot your trousers!
Oh, it's fine, don't you worry about that!
I was just going to stick my jeans back on, if that's OK.
Stay in bare legs!
You stay in bare legs until your trousers are ready!
What's this stuff here, Cathy?
Uh! Let me see.
Och, it's just bags and belts. It'll be fine, Cathy.
Oh, oh, I remember this.
Oh, I've not worn that for ages.
I bought that in Crete, Gordon.
Oh, I love Greece, me.
No, CRETE, Gordon!
Let's have a wee look at it, Cathy.
Yeah, that's nice in't it, Beth?
Yeah, very nice.
-Oh, that suits you, Christine.
-Do you think?
Mm-hm. It's just a wee cheap thing from a little guy in the market.
I think that would go with that dress I've got for this wedding.
What do you think, Beth?
Er, yeah. Very nice.
-Are you sure?
In fact, there's a bag to go with it as well.
Are you sure, Cathy?
Take them both.
Christine, I would like you to have them.
Thanks very much.
Oh, give the inside of that a wipe, though.
I'm sure I brought half a kebab home in it the last time I used it.
So, what did they say?
Well, he's taken all the details,
and I've given him as much information as I could.
Is that it?
..there was one other thing.
What was that?
He said, obviously, it could be a random attacker who just
seized the opportunity to have a...
All right, Colin!
However, very often, in cases such as this,
-it can actually be someone you know that's done it.
-That's what he said.
-Och, that's ridiculous!
Well, he's asked me to make a list of anybody
that we know that had knowledge of our whereabouts,
would have known that we were away and the place was empty.
Who's familiar with where stuff is in the house.
Anyone who might be a bit of an oddball,
or seems as though they could potentially have
a sexually...deviant streak.
-You all right, Cathy?
-Oh, I'm fine. I've just got some Bacardi...
..in a mug for during the night.
Shh! Right, anything else you need?
No, I'm fine, I'm fine.
-Colin's going to pop round...
..with my dressing gown.
OK? This one's OK, but I just don't like it.
Right. Well, goodnight, Cath.
Oh, Beth. I'm sorry for accusing Eric of...
Don't worry about it.
-I know he'd never do anything like it.
I know he's not tall enough to reach,
so there's no way he could get his...
Let's just try and forget about it, OK?
# Well, come on, baby Cos I wanna do
# That washing machine boogie with you
# Hear that washer slapping 'em clean
# I love the sound of your washing machine
# Slip-slap, slap-sloo
# Come on, honey, and I wanna do
# The washing machine boogie with you
# Slip-slap, slap-sloo
# Come on, honey, and I wanna do
# The washing machine boogie with you. #