Browse content similar to Fish Friday. Check below for episodes and series from the same categories and more!
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This programme contains strong language | 0:00:02 | 0:00:05 | |
-DOORBELL RINGS -Beth, that's Ian and Gordon! | 0:00:05 | 0:00:08 | |
-Hello, Eric. -Christine. | 0:00:12 | 0:00:13 | |
Ooh, hi, Christine. | 0:00:15 | 0:00:17 | |
Beth, this came to me by mistake. | 0:00:17 | 0:00:19 | |
-Private and confidential. -Ooh. | 0:00:19 | 0:00:22 | |
Terrible rate you're getting in these ISAs nowadays, isn't it? | 0:00:22 | 0:00:25 | |
Well, that's very kind of you, Christine, but we're... | 0:00:26 | 0:00:29 | |
-Off out, are we? -Just for a bite to eat. | 0:00:29 | 0:00:31 | |
Aw, that's nice. What's the occasion? | 0:00:31 | 0:00:35 | |
-Nothing. -Beth's birthday. | 0:00:35 | 0:00:38 | |
Well, it was her birthday during the week, | 0:00:38 | 0:00:40 | |
so Ian and Gordon offered to take us to dinner. | 0:00:40 | 0:00:43 | |
Oh, that's lovely. That is nice, eh? | 0:00:43 | 0:00:48 | |
Oh, happy birthday, Beth. | 0:00:48 | 0:00:51 | |
Sorry I missed it. What day was it? | 0:00:51 | 0:00:54 | |
-It was Tuesday. -Oh, Tuesday. | 0:00:54 | 0:00:56 | |
No, I was away in town handing in my sample that day. | 0:00:56 | 0:01:00 | |
-CAR HORN HONKS -Well, that's them now, so... | 0:01:00 | 0:01:03 | |
-Where is it you're going? -Oh, it's nothing fancy. | 0:01:03 | 0:01:06 | |
-It's just like a pub that does food. -Oh, I like a pub that does food. | 0:01:06 | 0:01:11 | |
-Yeah, very informal. -That's the best way, Beth. | 0:01:11 | 0:01:14 | |
Very flexible, too. | 0:01:14 | 0:01:16 | |
-Sorry? -Well, not like a restaurant where, say, | 0:01:16 | 0:01:19 | |
you booked for four and then five of you turn up. | 0:01:19 | 0:01:22 | |
Then there's a problem! | 0:01:22 | 0:01:24 | |
No, these places are much more accommodating, aren't they? | 0:01:24 | 0:01:28 | |
CAR HORN HONKS | 0:01:28 | 0:01:31 | |
Would you like to...? | 0:01:31 | 0:01:32 | |
I'll just get my coat. Thanks, Eric. | 0:01:32 | 0:01:35 | |
-ON RADIO: -# Lead me | 0:01:53 | 0:01:55 | |
# Out on the moonlit floor... # | 0:01:55 | 0:01:58 | |
Ah, this is a real treat for me, Gordon, | 0:01:58 | 0:02:02 | |
being driven in for my dinner. | 0:02:02 | 0:02:05 | |
I must thank you for organising it. | 0:02:05 | 0:02:07 | |
Well, it's for Mrs Baird, really, isn't it? | 0:02:07 | 0:02:09 | |
This a regular haunt of yours, then, is it? | 0:02:11 | 0:02:14 | |
Erm, we've been twice. No, er, three times. | 0:02:14 | 0:02:17 | |
No, no... | 0:02:17 | 0:02:18 | |
..twice. Last time, it were two courses for £7.95! | 0:02:20 | 0:02:23 | |
-Oh, that's good, isn't it, Beth? -Ooh, yeah. -Mm. | 0:02:23 | 0:02:28 | |
A lot cheaper than buying a present. | 0:02:28 | 0:02:31 | |
You didn't really need to bother, though, Gordon. | 0:02:31 | 0:02:33 | |
I could have just as easily cooked us something at home. | 0:02:33 | 0:02:35 | |
No, not on your birthday! | 0:02:35 | 0:02:37 | |
Well, her birthday was Tuesday, Gordon, | 0:02:37 | 0:02:41 | |
so she's right - she could have cooked. | 0:02:41 | 0:02:44 | |
And she'd have done us three courses | 0:02:44 | 0:02:46 | |
and it wouldnae have cost you a fucking penny. | 0:02:46 | 0:02:49 | |
-HE WHISPERS: -Dad? -Mm-hm. | 0:02:52 | 0:02:53 | |
You haven't got Mum a cake, have you? | 0:02:53 | 0:02:55 | |
-Cake? No. -Right. | 0:02:55 | 0:02:59 | |
We could stop at the garage and get a swiss roll. | 0:03:01 | 0:03:03 | |
-No, no, I was just checking. -Or there's Costa's. | 0:03:03 | 0:03:06 | |
We can go in there and get her one of those big Jaffa Cakes. | 0:03:06 | 0:03:08 | |
No, no, it's fine, it's fine. Forget it. | 0:03:08 | 0:03:11 | |
-Have you booked a table? -No, you just sit where you like. | 0:03:18 | 0:03:21 | |
-You order at the bar, don't you? -What's he saying? | 0:03:21 | 0:03:23 | |
It's not waitress service. | 0:03:23 | 0:03:25 | |
What do you mean it's not waitress service? | 0:03:25 | 0:03:27 | |
Well, you sit down, the tables have got a number, | 0:03:27 | 0:03:29 | |
you take that number up to the bar and order your food. | 0:03:29 | 0:03:31 | |
Christ, have I to put my hair in a net and go into the kitchen | 0:03:31 | 0:03:34 | |
-and cook it for them, as well? -Where do yous want to sit? | 0:03:34 | 0:03:37 | |
It's your birthday, Mrs Baird. You decide. | 0:03:37 | 0:03:40 | |
What about there? | 0:03:40 | 0:03:42 | |
-No. -Eh? -I'm not sitting at the back. | 0:03:42 | 0:03:44 | |
-Why? -I want to see what folk have got on their plates. | 0:03:44 | 0:03:48 | |
Oh, for God's sake! | 0:03:48 | 0:03:49 | |
-Well, what about that one there? -Ah, that's fine. -No. -Eh? | 0:03:49 | 0:03:53 | |
Next to the fruit machine, Beth? | 0:03:53 | 0:03:56 | |
-So...? -You're no' wanting that, Beth. | 0:03:56 | 0:03:59 | |
Men standing next to you rummaging aboot in their pockets for change. | 0:03:59 | 0:04:03 | |
-Mum, you decide. It's your birthday. -Well, not today itself, it's not. | 0:04:03 | 0:04:08 | |
Well, we're out for your birthday. Where do you want to sit? | 0:04:08 | 0:04:11 | |
Look, I really don't mind. | 0:04:11 | 0:04:13 | |
Right, that's good. Come on, we'll sit over here. | 0:04:13 | 0:04:15 | |
This'll do us fine. | 0:04:15 | 0:04:16 | |
Oh, thank you. | 0:04:20 | 0:04:21 | |
Oh-ho! Big menu, eh? | 0:04:23 | 0:04:26 | |
It's absolutely terrific, Mr Baird. I don't know where to start. | 0:04:26 | 0:04:28 | |
-Erm, which ones are on the deal? -Oh, just them three there. -Ah. | 0:04:28 | 0:04:33 | |
-Would you like me to hang that up for you, Mrs Baird? -Oh, thank you. | 0:04:34 | 0:04:37 | |
-Pleasure. -Empty the pockets, Beth. There might be junkies in. | 0:04:37 | 0:04:41 | |
Do you know, I think this is the place that Pat came to. | 0:04:44 | 0:04:48 | |
-Right. -She had the gammon steak. | 0:04:48 | 0:04:50 | |
-Oh, did she? -Great big slab of a thing. | 0:04:50 | 0:04:53 | |
-Lovely. -Two fried eggs on the top, | 0:04:53 | 0:04:56 | |
but still you had the fat peeking out the side. | 0:04:56 | 0:04:59 | |
-What are you fancying? -I might just get the nachos or something. | 0:05:00 | 0:05:03 | |
Oh, what are you having, Gordon? What's he having? | 0:05:03 | 0:05:05 | |
He's thinking about nachos. | 0:05:05 | 0:05:07 | |
-Oh, lovely, Gordon. -Oh, I've seen them. | 0:05:07 | 0:05:10 | |
It's like somebody's ripped up a cardboard box | 0:05:10 | 0:05:13 | |
and grated some cheese on it. | 0:05:13 | 0:05:15 | |
-I quite fancy a burger. -Are you having a starter? | 0:05:15 | 0:05:18 | |
Nah, I might have a pudding instead. | 0:05:18 | 0:05:19 | |
-Can you do that? -Well, I presume so. It just says, "Two courses - £7.95." | 0:05:19 | 0:05:24 | |
Some of the starters are practically the same size as main courses! | 0:05:24 | 0:05:28 | |
Can you do that, Beth? Any two courses? | 0:05:28 | 0:05:31 | |
I don't know. It'll say somewhere on the menu. | 0:05:31 | 0:05:33 | |
-Whereabouts on the menu? -I don't know! | 0:05:33 | 0:05:36 | |
Oh, wait till I get my specs on. | 0:05:36 | 0:05:39 | |
Aw, isn't this lovely? | 0:05:39 | 0:05:41 | |
Are you going to have a starter? | 0:05:42 | 0:05:43 | |
Well, I quite fancy the breaded mushrooms. | 0:05:43 | 0:05:46 | |
-Instead of a pudding? -Well, maybe as well as. | 0:05:46 | 0:05:49 | |
-So, you're having three courses? -Oh, can you do that? | 0:05:49 | 0:05:52 | |
Give me a fucking chance, will you? | 0:05:52 | 0:05:55 | |
Oh, here it is here. | 0:05:55 | 0:05:57 | |
There it is. See? | 0:05:57 | 0:05:59 | |
"Any two courses on the meal deal menu - £7.95." | 0:05:59 | 0:06:04 | |
Where's the meal deal section? | 0:06:04 | 0:06:06 | |
What does it say about three courses, though? | 0:06:06 | 0:06:08 | |
-Oh, don't confuse me. -I think, if you're looking for three courses, | 0:06:08 | 0:06:11 | |
-you're on to the main menu. -Ah. | 0:06:11 | 0:06:14 | |
Do you really think you need three courses, Eric? | 0:06:14 | 0:06:16 | |
Oh, here it is. Here it is. There we are. | 0:06:16 | 0:06:19 | |
"Any three courses, £9.50." | 0:06:19 | 0:06:24 | |
Oh, I apologise, Mr Baird. There you go. | 0:06:24 | 0:06:27 | |
Well, I'm just going to have a main and a pudding. | 0:06:27 | 0:06:29 | |
Well, if nobody else is having a starter, I won't either. | 0:06:29 | 0:06:32 | |
-Oh-ho-ho, Beth - they've got sticky toffee! -Mm. | 0:06:32 | 0:06:36 | |
Do you want me to phone Pat and see what size it is? | 0:06:36 | 0:06:39 | |
-OK, are we ready to order, then? -I think so, yeah. | 0:06:39 | 0:06:42 | |
-I am. -Oh, yes, indeedy. | 0:06:42 | 0:06:44 | |
-Right, tell me what you want and I'll go up to the bar and get it. -I'll have the nachos. | 0:06:44 | 0:06:47 | |
No, the veggie burger. | 0:06:47 | 0:06:49 | |
No, the nachos. No, wait... | 0:06:49 | 0:06:51 | |
-Mum, what do you want? -I'll just have the fish, son. | 0:06:51 | 0:06:53 | |
Battered haddock for me, Ian. | 0:06:53 | 0:06:55 | |
-Me, too. I'll have the fish, please. -Aw, look. Two twins, eh? | 0:06:55 | 0:06:59 | |
Me and you - both haddocks. The haddock girls. | 0:06:59 | 0:07:03 | |
-I'll go for that, as well. -Trust you. | 0:07:03 | 0:07:06 | |
OK, OK, OK, I'm going to have | 0:07:06 | 0:07:08 | |
the sweetcorn fritters with mango salsa. | 0:07:08 | 0:07:11 | |
-Where's that?! -Down there. -Ah. | 0:07:11 | 0:07:15 | |
Oh, that sounds fucking horrible, son. | 0:07:15 | 0:07:18 | |
Eh, you stay where you are. I'll get this. | 0:07:18 | 0:07:20 | |
-No, no, this is our treat. -Don't be daft. | 0:07:20 | 0:07:22 | |
No, we wanted to get it. It was supposed to be our treat. | 0:07:22 | 0:07:24 | |
Away. | 0:07:24 | 0:07:26 | |
Right, well, that's that sorted, thank goodness. | 0:07:26 | 0:07:29 | |
Oh, er, sorry, just one last thing - what does everybody want to drink? | 0:07:29 | 0:07:33 | |
-Oh. -SHE SIGHS | 0:07:33 | 0:07:34 | |
-Two seconds, honey. -Ah, right. | 0:07:37 | 0:07:39 | |
Colin! | 0:07:42 | 0:07:43 | |
Oh, look who it is, eh? | 0:07:43 | 0:07:47 | |
-How are you doing? -Hey! -Oh, bring it in. | 0:07:47 | 0:07:50 | |
-Bring it on in, Eric. -Oh! | 0:07:50 | 0:07:52 | |
HE CHUCKLES This is my neighbour. | 0:07:52 | 0:07:55 | |
-This is my neighbour. -What you up to? | 0:07:55 | 0:07:57 | |
-I'm just having a drink. -Ah, right. Where's Cathy? | 0:07:57 | 0:08:01 | |
Cathy's no' here. She's away. | 0:08:01 | 0:08:03 | |
-Where to? -A spa. -Oh, right. -Aye, she got a Groupon for a night | 0:08:03 | 0:08:07 | |
in one of they health farm places in Perthshire. | 0:08:07 | 0:08:10 | |
Oh, that sounds lovely. Aye, she'll enjoy that. | 0:08:10 | 0:08:12 | |
Aye, she will. She got a room on the ground floor | 0:08:12 | 0:08:15 | |
so she can climb out the window for a smoke. | 0:08:15 | 0:08:18 | |
This is my neighbour. What you doing here, anyway? | 0:08:18 | 0:08:22 | |
Oh, it's Beth's birthday. We're in having a meal. | 0:08:22 | 0:08:25 | |
-Away! -Aye. Well, it was during the week, actually. | 0:08:25 | 0:08:27 | |
What, you were in during the week, as well? | 0:08:27 | 0:08:30 | |
No, no, no, it was her birthday during the week. | 0:08:30 | 0:08:32 | |
Ah. So, how come you're in today? | 0:08:32 | 0:08:36 | |
-Right, what are we having? -Can I order some food? | 0:08:36 | 0:08:39 | |
-Course you can. -Colin, do you want...? | 0:08:39 | 0:08:42 | |
Hello there! | 0:08:43 | 0:08:45 | |
-Oh, hi, Colin. -Oh, Christine! | 0:08:45 | 0:08:48 | |
Didnae recognise you there | 0:08:48 | 0:08:49 | |
without your broomstick and the flying monkeys. | 0:08:49 | 0:08:52 | |
And there's Ian with his...with his pal there. | 0:08:53 | 0:08:56 | |
Hello there. | 0:08:56 | 0:08:58 | |
It's good to see you in a mainstream venue. | 0:08:58 | 0:09:02 | |
So, what's the special occasion? | 0:09:02 | 0:09:05 | |
Mrs Baird's birthday. | 0:09:05 | 0:09:06 | |
Was. It was her birthday on Tuesday. | 0:09:06 | 0:09:09 | |
Oh, it's your birthday, Beth? | 0:09:09 | 0:09:11 | |
-I'm sorry. I didnae know. -That's fine. | 0:09:11 | 0:09:13 | |
Oh, here, I'll give you a wee squeeze, eh? | 0:09:13 | 0:09:15 | |
-No, no, honestly. -Aw, come on. Up you get. | 0:09:15 | 0:09:18 | |
Let's get you hugged, eh? | 0:09:18 | 0:09:21 | |
Oops! | 0:09:21 | 0:09:22 | |
Sorry, no offence. It's no' what it seems. | 0:09:22 | 0:09:25 | |
You're all right. | 0:09:25 | 0:09:27 | |
Just because Cathy's away doesn't mean I'm firing into Beth. | 0:09:27 | 0:09:31 | |
Couldnae anyway, no' unless I was really pished. | 0:09:31 | 0:09:34 | |
-Where is Cathy? -She's away at the spa. | 0:09:36 | 0:09:41 | |
-Oh. -Ah, lovely. -Aye, I was just telling Eric, | 0:09:41 | 0:09:45 | |
she got one of they vouchers for this big, fancy place up in Perth. | 0:09:45 | 0:09:50 | |
You want to see it. I mean, it's got steam rooms, Jacuzzis. | 0:09:50 | 0:09:55 | |
You know, and a big room filled with oxygen, | 0:09:55 | 0:10:00 | |
so it can clean out your blood. | 0:10:00 | 0:10:02 | |
Oh, that sounds amazing. So a proper detox. | 0:10:02 | 0:10:04 | |
Aye, well, you know, she's been drinking every night, | 0:10:04 | 0:10:06 | |
so, you know, she gets the benefit of it, you know. | 0:10:06 | 0:10:10 | |
So, you're left on your own, then, are you? | 0:10:11 | 0:10:13 | |
Aye, but, you know, I don't mind it, though, Ian. | 0:10:13 | 0:10:16 | |
You know, give me a bit of time to myself. | 0:10:16 | 0:10:18 | |
You know, do a few bits and bobs, catch up with a few of my pals. | 0:10:18 | 0:10:23 | |
-So, what you been up to, then? -Just been sitting in here. | 0:10:23 | 0:10:27 | |
-Sorry to interrupt yous. -Whoa! | 0:10:27 | 0:10:29 | |
-Did yous order three fish? -Yes, we did, | 0:10:30 | 0:10:33 | |
and I hope your chef has got his oil up to temperature | 0:10:33 | 0:10:36 | |
because I am not in the mood for soggy batter, hen. | 0:10:36 | 0:10:39 | |
Nah, nah, what it is is we've only got two left. | 0:10:39 | 0:10:42 | |
-You what?! -We've only got two fish left. | 0:10:42 | 0:10:45 | |
Have you still got the corn fritters, though? | 0:10:45 | 0:10:46 | |
-Oh, aye, plenty of them. -Well, it is your birthday, Beth, | 0:10:46 | 0:10:50 | |
-so you've got to have one. -Hear, hear! | 0:10:50 | 0:10:53 | |
And I'm fucking sure I'm having the other one. | 0:10:53 | 0:10:55 | |
Right. Well, let's see the menu over again? | 0:10:55 | 0:10:57 | |
Hang on, hang on. How big are they, the fish? | 0:10:57 | 0:11:00 | |
They're quite big, aye. A lot of folk don't finish them. | 0:11:00 | 0:11:02 | |
My friend struggled with one of your gammon steaks. | 0:11:02 | 0:11:05 | |
-Right. -She eventually took it home in her handbag. | 0:11:05 | 0:11:09 | |
Why don't we take the two and I'll just split them up | 0:11:09 | 0:11:12 | |
-and share them about? -What? -Oh, that's a brilliant idea. | 0:11:12 | 0:11:15 | |
Let's just do that. Bring us an extra plate and I'll sort it out. | 0:11:15 | 0:11:18 | |
-What, you just want a plate on its own? -Yes. Is that all right? | 0:11:18 | 0:11:21 | |
Well, aye, I suppose. | 0:11:21 | 0:11:23 | |
Wait a minute. If he's having some of ours and a pudding, | 0:11:23 | 0:11:27 | |
-what does he get charged for that? -What pudding are you having? | 0:11:27 | 0:11:30 | |
-I'm not sure yet. -Oh, they've got sticky toffee, Eric. | 0:11:30 | 0:11:33 | |
-What size is your sticky toffee? -Christine! | 0:11:33 | 0:11:36 | |
He's already paid for a fish and a pudding. | 0:11:36 | 0:11:38 | |
-So...? -So, he's not getting what he paid for. | 0:11:38 | 0:11:41 | |
Aye, but he's getting a plate. | 0:11:41 | 0:11:42 | |
She'll get a fucking punch in the jaw. | 0:11:42 | 0:11:44 | |
Let's do that, then. Just get us an extra plate, thanks. | 0:11:44 | 0:11:47 | |
-Anyway, happy birthday! -Exactly. Happy birthday! | 0:11:48 | 0:11:53 | |
She better no' be away in there spitting in our meals, Beth. | 0:11:53 | 0:11:56 | |
-Let's do a toast. -No, no! -Ah, come on, come on. | 0:11:56 | 0:12:00 | |
Oh, wait, I've no' got a drink. | 0:12:00 | 0:12:03 | |
Where's my drink? | 0:12:04 | 0:12:06 | |
He is absolutely hammered. | 0:12:08 | 0:12:10 | |
They shouldnae still be serving him. | 0:12:10 | 0:12:13 | |
See, that's what happens, though. | 0:12:13 | 0:12:15 | |
Folk just make a pig of themselves as soon as there's cheap drink. | 0:12:15 | 0:12:19 | |
Oh, you're quite right, Christine. | 0:12:19 | 0:12:21 | |
That's a good, big glass for £1.50, isn't it? | 0:12:25 | 0:12:28 | |
Listen, he's all right. He's no' doing any harm. | 0:12:28 | 0:12:31 | |
# Happy birthday to you... # | 0:12:31 | 0:12:35 | |
Shh! Shh! | 0:12:35 | 0:12:37 | |
# Happy birthday... # | 0:12:37 | 0:12:38 | |
-Colin! -All right, all right. | 0:12:38 | 0:12:42 | |
-We'll sing Happy Birthday later, OK? -OK, OK, fair enough. I'll just... | 0:12:42 | 0:12:47 | |
I'll just maybe have a wee trip to the wee boys' room, eh? | 0:12:47 | 0:12:52 | |
Here, Christine, | 0:12:52 | 0:12:54 | |
you're not going to be the only one about to enjoy a single fish. | 0:12:54 | 0:12:59 | |
HE LAUGHS | 0:12:59 | 0:13:02 | |
That is a disgraceful state to get yourself into. | 0:13:04 | 0:13:08 | |
Well, no wonder, if he's been sitting in here since lunchtime. | 0:13:08 | 0:13:12 | |
Bad things can happen when you get into that sort of state. | 0:13:12 | 0:13:15 | |
Last time I drank during the day, | 0:13:15 | 0:13:16 | |
I ended up ordering garden furniture online. | 0:13:16 | 0:13:19 | |
Eric, erm, do you not think you should go in there | 0:13:21 | 0:13:24 | |
and see if he wants you to put him into a taxi? | 0:13:24 | 0:13:26 | |
-Och, away! -Go on, Eric. -He's not THAT bad. | 0:13:26 | 0:13:29 | |
-He's fucking blootered, Eric. -Go on. -Och! | 0:13:29 | 0:13:33 | |
You know the worst thing, Beth? | 0:13:36 | 0:13:39 | |
He has invited himself into your company | 0:13:39 | 0:13:42 | |
without an ounce of shame. | 0:13:42 | 0:13:46 | |
Unbelievable. | 0:13:47 | 0:13:48 | |
DOOR OPENS | 0:13:51 | 0:13:54 | |
Hey! | 0:13:54 | 0:13:56 | |
-You all right, Colin? -Aye, there's just a lot to come out. | 0:13:56 | 0:14:00 | |
Aye. Are you no' thinking about maybe getting up the road, eh? | 0:14:00 | 0:14:04 | |
Oh, Eric, Eric. | 0:14:04 | 0:14:07 | |
Eric, Eric. | 0:14:07 | 0:14:09 | |
How often do we get the chance to get a drink, just the two of us? | 0:14:09 | 0:14:14 | |
Aye, but it's Beth's birthday, so... | 0:14:14 | 0:14:16 | |
Aye, all right. Get her a pint, as well. | 0:14:16 | 0:14:18 | |
Eric, Eric... | 0:14:19 | 0:14:23 | |
-You're a real pal, Eric. -Right. | 0:14:23 | 0:14:26 | |
-I'm going to text Cath. -Now, Colin? | 0:14:28 | 0:14:31 | |
I'm going to text Cath and tell her that I'm in the loo | 0:14:31 | 0:14:35 | |
having a pish with my old pal Eric! | 0:14:35 | 0:14:38 | |
No, no, no. Just let her enjoy her time at the spa, eh? | 0:14:38 | 0:14:40 | |
Look, come on. We'll go downstairs and I'll get you a taxi, eh? | 0:14:40 | 0:14:43 | |
All right, all right. | 0:14:43 | 0:14:45 | |
Here... | 0:14:46 | 0:14:47 | |
..am I being a wee bit too much, am I? | 0:14:48 | 0:14:52 | |
-No, no. -Cos you can tell me if I am. | 0:14:52 | 0:14:55 | |
Am I, Eric? Am I being a bit OTT? | 0:14:55 | 0:14:58 | |
A wee bit. | 0:14:58 | 0:14:59 | |
Right, OK. That's fine. Fair enough. | 0:15:01 | 0:15:05 | |
Let's go. Let's go right now. | 0:15:05 | 0:15:07 | |
Hey! This is my neighbour! | 0:15:09 | 0:15:11 | |
# Neighbour... # | 0:15:11 | 0:15:13 | |
There we go. Oh, and, Mum, we've also got you a wee something. | 0:15:14 | 0:15:18 | |
-Ooh, what is it? -Aw, that's nice. A wee surprise for you, Beth. | 0:15:18 | 0:15:23 | |
-Saved yourself the price of a stamp there, boys, eh? -Aw. | 0:15:23 | 0:15:27 | |
-What does it say? -"To the best mum in the world." | 0:15:27 | 0:15:30 | |
-It was the only one they had left, so... -Cheeky wee shite. | 0:15:30 | 0:15:33 | |
Oh, what's this? | 0:15:33 | 0:15:35 | |
Oh, that's a wee voucher for you for that place you get your hair done. | 0:15:35 | 0:15:38 | |
They've got a wee beauty therapy bit now. | 0:15:38 | 0:15:40 | |
-Oh, thank you. -It looks lovely. | 0:15:40 | 0:15:42 | |
Our friend Morven had reflexology there. | 0:15:42 | 0:15:44 | |
-She had what? -Reflexology. You get it on your feet. | 0:15:44 | 0:15:47 | |
Oh, is that with the wee fishes? | 0:15:47 | 0:15:49 | |
-What? -Aye, you know - the wee fishes in the tank | 0:15:49 | 0:15:52 | |
that you put your feet into | 0:15:52 | 0:15:53 | |
and they nibble all the dead skin off your toes. | 0:15:53 | 0:15:56 | |
-Oh, I don't know. -Oh, I had that. | 0:15:56 | 0:15:59 | |
Aye. The guy said that they were full up for a fortnight after it. | 0:15:59 | 0:16:03 | |
Hey! | 0:16:05 | 0:16:07 | |
-Ah. -Christ, here's wee Tufty back. | 0:16:07 | 0:16:10 | |
-Colin. -Beth, Beth, a little birdie told me it was your birthday. | 0:16:10 | 0:16:15 | |
-Colin! -Happy birthday, missus. | 0:16:15 | 0:16:17 | |
Come here till I wish you a happy birthday. | 0:16:17 | 0:16:20 | |
You've already given her a kiss. | 0:16:20 | 0:16:22 | |
He's already given her a kiss, Gordon. | 0:16:22 | 0:16:24 | |
Come on, Beth. I washed my hands. | 0:16:24 | 0:16:26 | |
-Colin, I'll ask Ian to phone you a taxi, OK? -Eh? | 0:16:26 | 0:16:29 | |
I think Cathy would prefer it if you went up the road. | 0:16:29 | 0:16:32 | |
-Aye. -No, she's at a spa. | 0:16:32 | 0:16:36 | |
-Cathy's at a spa, Gordon. -Ignore him, Gordon. | 0:16:36 | 0:16:39 | |
Ian, just call. | 0:16:39 | 0:16:42 | |
Gordon, Gordon, you'll like this. | 0:16:42 | 0:16:45 | |
You know, there was a guy in there earlier having a slash | 0:16:45 | 0:16:48 | |
with his trousers round his ankles. | 0:16:48 | 0:16:50 | |
You saw the lot. | 0:16:52 | 0:16:54 | |
-Right, I've got a haddock. -Whoo! There she is, | 0:16:54 | 0:16:57 | |
-with the fishes and the dishes. Whoo! Whoo! -Haddock! | 0:16:57 | 0:17:00 | |
Here! | 0:17:00 | 0:17:01 | |
Oh, look at that! Fucking yes, Beth! | 0:17:01 | 0:17:06 | |
-Another haddock? -Erm... | 0:17:06 | 0:17:07 | |
It's her birthday. Well, was. | 0:17:07 | 0:17:10 | |
-HE SLURS: -Ian, you...you all right? You all right, aye? | 0:17:10 | 0:17:14 | |
Yous having anything? | 0:17:14 | 0:17:16 | |
-Sweetcorn fritters. -They're just bringing them. | 0:17:16 | 0:17:18 | |
Right, OK. Right, apologies. Nae bother. | 0:17:18 | 0:17:22 | |
-Just start. -I'm waiting on my tartare sauce. | 0:17:22 | 0:17:25 | |
Where are the sauces, Beth? | 0:17:25 | 0:17:27 | |
We'll ask the waitress when she comes back. | 0:17:27 | 0:17:29 | |
-Right, I've got a burger. -That's mine. | 0:17:29 | 0:17:31 | |
-Excuse me? -And sweetcorn fritters. -That's me. | 0:17:31 | 0:17:34 | |
-Excuse me? -Two seconds. Whose is the extra plate, again? | 0:17:34 | 0:17:38 | |
That's me. | 0:17:38 | 0:17:39 | |
Whoa, whoa, whoa, there's nothing on that! | 0:17:39 | 0:17:41 | |
-That's what he asked for. -Excuse me? | 0:17:41 | 0:17:43 | |
I mean, I know he's on a diet, but come on! | 0:17:43 | 0:17:45 | |
It's all right, Colin. It's all right. | 0:17:45 | 0:17:46 | |
We're sharing. They're sharing their fish with him. | 0:17:46 | 0:17:49 | |
-Excuse me? -Oh, right. I thought he got an empty plate! | 0:17:49 | 0:17:52 | |
Beth, I thought... I thought he'd been given an empty plate. | 0:17:52 | 0:17:56 | |
Look, I'm sorry. | 0:17:56 | 0:17:59 | |
I'm sorry, darling. Just give us a hug, eh? | 0:17:59 | 0:18:01 | |
-No, no, no. -Colin, no! -Excuse me! | 0:18:01 | 0:18:04 | |
-Yes? -Do you have any tartare sauce? | 0:18:04 | 0:18:08 | |
-Yep. Anything else? -Erm, tomato sauce, please. | 0:18:08 | 0:18:10 | |
-OK. Anything else? -Vinegar, please. | 0:18:10 | 0:18:12 | |
-Anything else? -Is it sachets? -Aye. | 0:18:12 | 0:18:15 | |
Aw, well, fuck it, just bring us two of everything, then. | 0:18:15 | 0:18:18 | |
Right, give us your plate over, Eric. | 0:18:18 | 0:18:21 | |
Here, Eric, you can have some of these chips. | 0:18:21 | 0:18:24 | |
Some of these massive ones are quite hard in the middle, | 0:18:24 | 0:18:27 | |
-so you can have them. -Here you go. | 0:18:27 | 0:18:30 | |
Oh, you should have given him the wee curly bit at the end, Beth. | 0:18:30 | 0:18:36 | |
There's bugger all fish in that, Gordon. It's just pure batter. | 0:18:36 | 0:18:39 | |
-That all right for you? -Mm, looks good. Yours? | 0:18:40 | 0:18:44 | |
-Oh, yeah, it looks nice. -Let's have a wee look, Gordon. | 0:18:44 | 0:18:47 | |
Let's see what you got. | 0:18:47 | 0:18:48 | |
Aw, see, that's the thing about being vegetarian - | 0:18:48 | 0:18:52 | |
you always end up with the shitest thing on the menu, don't you? | 0:18:52 | 0:18:56 | |
Oh, here's my friend again. | 0:18:57 | 0:19:00 | |
Here, see when you... | 0:19:00 | 0:19:02 | |
See when you brought that plate over, | 0:19:02 | 0:19:05 | |
I thought that was supposed to be his meal | 0:19:05 | 0:19:07 | |
and you forgot to put food on it. | 0:19:07 | 0:19:10 | |
Oh, right, there we are. Oh, that's it. | 0:19:13 | 0:19:16 | |
Right. | 0:19:17 | 0:19:18 | |
-Oh, bastard! Have you got yours, Ian? -No. | 0:19:23 | 0:19:27 | |
Fucking nuisance, these things, aren't they? | 0:19:27 | 0:19:30 | |
Oh, there we are! That's it now. That's it. | 0:19:31 | 0:19:36 | |
That's it. | 0:19:37 | 0:19:39 | |
Mm. Do you know, I remember the days | 0:19:40 | 0:19:45 | |
when this would have been a luxury - going out for a meal. | 0:19:45 | 0:19:48 | |
Special occasions only. | 0:19:48 | 0:19:50 | |
-Well, it's Beth's birthday. -Ah, well, was. | 0:19:50 | 0:19:54 | |
See when I was your age, | 0:19:54 | 0:19:56 | |
we never went out for something to eat. | 0:19:56 | 0:19:58 | |
No, we always got fed in the house. | 0:19:58 | 0:20:01 | |
-Aye, and once in a blue moon, you'd get a chippy. -Aye. | 0:20:01 | 0:20:04 | |
Oh, and you had the same every week, eh? | 0:20:04 | 0:20:07 | |
You had mince on a Monday, | 0:20:07 | 0:20:09 | |
and your cottage pie on a Tuesday to use up the mince from the Monday. | 0:20:09 | 0:20:14 | |
SHE CHUCKLES Stewing steak on a Wednesday, | 0:20:14 | 0:20:17 | |
pork chop on a Thursday and then your fish, | 0:20:17 | 0:20:21 | |
done in a crumb, fried with an egg, on a Friday. | 0:20:21 | 0:20:24 | |
Oh, nothing wrong with that, eh? | 0:20:24 | 0:20:27 | |
Good Scottish diet. | 0:20:27 | 0:20:29 | |
My mother made that every week | 0:20:29 | 0:20:32 | |
till she had those heart attacks. | 0:20:32 | 0:20:34 | |
I remember my mother used to cook lamb every Sunday. | 0:20:34 | 0:20:39 | |
-I loved it. -Ooh, lamb. | 0:20:39 | 0:20:42 | |
Do you know that lamb comes from an actual lamb, Gordon? | 0:20:42 | 0:20:49 | |
We always had chicken on a Sunday | 0:20:49 | 0:20:51 | |
and then, on the Monday, we'd have soup. | 0:20:51 | 0:20:53 | |
Oh, yes, that's your proper way to make stock, you know - | 0:20:53 | 0:20:58 | |
boil up the carcass of the bird. | 0:20:58 | 0:21:00 | |
-Christine, Gordon's vegetarian. -Oh. Oh, sorry, son. Sorry. | 0:21:00 | 0:21:05 | |
I meant skeleton. | 0:21:05 | 0:21:07 | |
I tell you, I'm glad that I ran into you today. | 0:21:07 | 0:21:11 | |
I really am. | 0:21:11 | 0:21:13 | |
It's actually made my day. | 0:21:13 | 0:21:15 | |
-Aw. -No, it has. | 0:21:15 | 0:21:18 | |
I'm actually feeling quite emotional about it | 0:21:18 | 0:21:20 | |
-just thinking about it, you know? -Aw, that's nice. | 0:21:20 | 0:21:24 | |
Any word on that taxi, Ian? | 0:21:24 | 0:21:26 | |
I mean, you're my neighbours, you know, | 0:21:26 | 0:21:28 | |
but see just sitting here, you know, watching you eating your chips, | 0:21:28 | 0:21:33 | |
it's made me realise that you're... | 0:21:33 | 0:21:35 | |
..you're actually my friends, as well. | 0:21:36 | 0:21:38 | |
-Aw! -Phone it again, son. | 0:21:38 | 0:21:41 | |
-# Happy birthday to you... # -Oh, for God... -Shh! | 0:21:41 | 0:21:44 | |
-Colin! Shh! Shh! Shh! -# Happy birthday to... # | 0:21:44 | 0:21:47 | |
What is it? What is it? It's Beth's birthday! | 0:21:47 | 0:21:49 | |
I just want to wish her a happy birthday, right? | 0:21:49 | 0:21:52 | |
Yeah, not just now. We'll do it later, eh? | 0:21:52 | 0:21:55 | |
I'm sending Cathy a text. | 0:21:55 | 0:21:59 | |
-Have you got enough? -Aye, I'm fine. | 0:21:59 | 0:22:01 | |
-Have a few more. -Did you guys order a taxi? | 0:22:01 | 0:22:03 | |
-ALL: -Yes! -Colin, that's your taxi. | 0:22:03 | 0:22:06 | |
-Mm? -Colin. -What? -That's your taxi. | 0:22:06 | 0:22:11 | |
Oh, right. | 0:22:11 | 0:22:12 | |
Come on, I'll see you in to it. | 0:22:15 | 0:22:17 | |
I need to get something out the car, anyway. | 0:22:17 | 0:22:19 | |
-PHONE BEEPS -Wait. She's text me back. | 0:22:19 | 0:22:21 | |
Let's see. What's that, Gordon? | 0:22:21 | 0:22:23 | |
I cannae see what that is. Is that a picture of a flag? | 0:22:23 | 0:22:27 | |
-What is it? -She's sent me a flag. | 0:22:27 | 0:22:30 | |
He asked her what treatment she'd had done at the spa | 0:22:30 | 0:22:32 | |
and she's just sent him a picture of a Brazil flag. | 0:22:32 | 0:22:34 | |
Oh, right. Come on, Colin. Let's go. | 0:22:34 | 0:22:37 | |
OK, OK. | 0:22:37 | 0:22:39 | |
-Bye, Colin. -Bye, Beth. | 0:22:39 | 0:22:42 | |
Beth, Beth... Happy birthday, Beth. | 0:22:43 | 0:22:48 | |
-Thank you. -I'm very sorry I didn't get you anything. | 0:22:48 | 0:22:51 | |
-Och, don't worry. -Beth, Beth... | 0:22:51 | 0:22:56 | |
-Colin, come on! -All right, all right. | 0:22:56 | 0:22:59 | |
Christine... | 0:22:59 | 0:23:00 | |
-Right, let's go. -Come on. | 0:23:04 | 0:23:08 | |
HE EXHALES | 0:23:08 | 0:23:10 | |
Two minutes, my friend. | 0:23:15 | 0:23:17 | |
OK, well, that's us, then. | 0:23:17 | 0:23:19 | |
-Here, give us a hug, Gordon. -Aw, you're all right. | 0:23:19 | 0:23:23 | |
Just hope people don't think we're a couple. | 0:23:26 | 0:23:28 | |
-No. -I mean, you look it, but I don't. | 0:23:28 | 0:23:32 | |
-Nae offence. -That's fine. | 0:23:32 | 0:23:33 | |
-Do you think you can tell? -Tell what? | 0:23:36 | 0:23:39 | |
If someone's, you know... | 0:23:39 | 0:23:41 | |
-What is it you're meant to say? -Gay? | 0:23:41 | 0:23:44 | |
-Aye, or bent or whatever. -Well, I can. | 0:23:44 | 0:23:48 | |
You see, I can't. | 0:23:49 | 0:23:51 | |
You know, well, I can sometimes tell lesbians, | 0:23:51 | 0:23:56 | |
but see guys? You know, it could be anybody. | 0:23:56 | 0:24:00 | |
Do you know, there was a guy once | 0:24:00 | 0:24:03 | |
who gave me the eye in Starbucks, Gordon? | 0:24:03 | 0:24:06 | |
-Really? -Mm-hm. He was... | 0:24:06 | 0:24:08 | |
He was standing next to the marshmallows | 0:24:08 | 0:24:10 | |
and he just looked at me. | 0:24:10 | 0:24:13 | |
No. Looked at you how? | 0:24:13 | 0:24:15 | |
It was like this. You know, it was like... | 0:24:15 | 0:24:17 | |
-What is going on? -Erm, Colin's just telling me | 0:24:21 | 0:24:24 | |
about the guy who were coming on to him in Starbucks. | 0:24:24 | 0:24:26 | |
-Oh, right. -He looked at me like this, Ian. | 0:24:26 | 0:24:30 | |
Right, well, erm, we should just go in. | 0:24:33 | 0:24:35 | |
-What's that? -Erm, it's a cake for my mum. | 0:24:35 | 0:24:39 | |
Away! Oh, come on, I cannae miss that. | 0:24:39 | 0:24:44 | |
Two minutes, my friend! Two minutes! | 0:24:44 | 0:24:47 | |
Do yous want the menus back to look at the desserts? | 0:24:51 | 0:24:54 | |
-Oh, I'm not really that... -I'm wanting a sticky toffee pudding | 0:24:54 | 0:24:57 | |
with one of your lattes in a big glass | 0:24:57 | 0:24:59 | |
with two bits of tablet on the side, hen. | 0:24:59 | 0:25:01 | |
I'll just leave these here. | 0:25:01 | 0:25:04 | |
-Hey-hey! -Oh. -Aw, you're fucking joking! | 0:25:05 | 0:25:10 | |
-I thought you were... -I couldn't leave without singing | 0:25:10 | 0:25:13 | |
Happy Birthday! | 0:25:13 | 0:25:16 | |
-Oh, no. -Aw, look at that! | 0:25:16 | 0:25:19 | |
Hey, you kept that quiet, eh? | 0:25:19 | 0:25:21 | |
Aw, that's nice. A birthday cake, eh? | 0:25:21 | 0:25:24 | |
Oh, and look - Tesco's Finest. | 0:25:24 | 0:25:27 | |
You've certainly been getting the five-star treatment today, Beth. | 0:25:27 | 0:25:30 | |
You know, I feel bad I havnae got you anything, honestly. | 0:25:30 | 0:25:33 | |
-Don't worry, we got her something. -Did you? | 0:25:33 | 0:25:36 | |
I'm a last-minute invitation, so I havnae had a chance. | 0:25:36 | 0:25:40 | |
Oh, the boys got me a voucher for a treatment. | 0:25:40 | 0:25:43 | |
PHONE BEEPS | 0:25:43 | 0:25:45 | |
Oh, it's Cathy. Aw, she's sent me a photo. | 0:25:45 | 0:25:49 | |
Why don't we get this out of the box and sing Happy Birthday | 0:25:49 | 0:25:52 | |
so Colin can get on his way? | 0:25:52 | 0:25:54 | |
Aw, that's nice, Beth. | 0:25:56 | 0:25:58 | |
You've certainly got a lot to choose from there, you know. | 0:25:58 | 0:26:01 | |
-Oh, thanks, boys. -Pleasure. | 0:26:01 | 0:26:03 | |
You could always get one of these done, Beth. | 0:26:03 | 0:26:06 | |
-What's that? -Look at that. | 0:26:06 | 0:26:09 | |
-Is that...? -It's Cathy's, aye. -What is it? | 0:26:10 | 0:26:14 | |
Aw, for God's sake! | 0:26:18 | 0:26:21 | |
Sorry, Eric. I can't show you. | 0:26:22 | 0:26:25 | |
-Fair enough. -It's private. | 0:26:25 | 0:26:28 | |
It's Cathy's chuff. | 0:26:28 | 0:26:30 | |
OK, are we ready? Shall we do this? | 0:26:32 | 0:26:34 | |
ALL: # Happy birthday to you | 0:26:38 | 0:26:43 | |
# Happy birthday to you... # | 0:26:43 | 0:26:47 | |
At last! | 0:26:47 | 0:26:48 | |
# Happy birthday dear | 0:26:48 | 0:26:51 | |
-# Mrs Baird -Beth | 0:26:51 | 0:26:53 | |
# Happy birthday to you. # | 0:26:53 | 0:26:58 | |
-Come on, everybody! Hip hip! -ALL: Hooray! | 0:26:58 | 0:27:01 | |
-Hip hip! -Hooray! -Hip hip! -Hooray! | 0:27:01 | 0:27:04 | |
Jeez! | 0:27:06 | 0:27:08 | |
SHE SNIGGERS | 0:27:08 | 0:27:10 | |
Are yous all right? Is he all right? | 0:27:10 | 0:27:11 | |
-Aye, aye, he's fine. -He's all right. -Sorry. | 0:27:11 | 0:27:15 | |
Aw, what a shame. Is that your birthday cake, as well? | 0:27:15 | 0:27:18 | |
Don't worry. | 0:27:18 | 0:27:19 | |
-Whose birthday is it? -Mine. -Aw. | 0:27:19 | 0:27:23 | |
Well, was. | 0:27:23 | 0:27:25 | |
# Happy birthday to you | 0:27:26 | 0:27:29 | |
# Happy birthday to you | 0:27:29 | 0:27:32 | |
# Get your finger out of it | 0:27:37 | 0:27:38 | |
# It don't belong to you | 0:27:38 | 0:27:42 | |
# Get your finger out of it | 0:27:42 | 0:27:44 | |
# It don't belong to you | 0:27:44 | 0:27:47 | |
# I wouldn't give you a piece even if it's your birthday, too. # | 0:27:47 | 0:27:52 |