Fish Friday Two Doors Down


Fish Friday

Sitcom. Beth's birthday treat - lunch out with the family - is hijacked by a very drunk Colin, another uninvited guest and an alarmingly intimate photograph.


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Transcript


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This programme contains strong language

0:00:020:00:05

-DOORBELL RINGS

-Beth, that's Ian and Gordon!

0:00:050:00:08

-Hello, Eric.

-Christine.

0:00:120:00:13

Ooh, hi, Christine.

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Beth, this came to me by mistake.

0:00:170:00:19

-Private and confidential.

-Ooh.

0:00:190:00:22

Terrible rate you're getting in these ISAs nowadays, isn't it?

0:00:220:00:25

Well, that's very kind of you, Christine, but we're...

0:00:260:00:29

-Off out, are we?

-Just for a bite to eat.

0:00:290:00:31

Aw, that's nice. What's the occasion?

0:00:310:00:35

-Nothing.

-Beth's birthday.

0:00:350:00:38

Well, it was her birthday during the week,

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so Ian and Gordon offered to take us to dinner.

0:00:400:00:43

Oh, that's lovely. That is nice, eh?

0:00:430:00:48

Oh, happy birthday, Beth.

0:00:480:00:51

Sorry I missed it. What day was it?

0:00:510:00:54

-It was Tuesday.

-Oh, Tuesday.

0:00:540:00:56

No, I was away in town handing in my sample that day.

0:00:560:01:00

-CAR HORN HONKS

-Well, that's them now, so...

0:01:000:01:03

-Where is it you're going?

-Oh, it's nothing fancy.

0:01:030:01:06

-It's just like a pub that does food.

-Oh, I like a pub that does food.

0:01:060:01:11

-Yeah, very informal.

-That's the best way, Beth.

0:01:110:01:14

Very flexible, too.

0:01:140:01:16

-Sorry?

-Well, not like a restaurant where, say,

0:01:160:01:19

you booked for four and then five of you turn up.

0:01:190:01:22

Then there's a problem!

0:01:220:01:24

No, these places are much more accommodating, aren't they?

0:01:240:01:28

CAR HORN HONKS

0:01:280:01:31

Would you like to...?

0:01:310:01:32

I'll just get my coat. Thanks, Eric.

0:01:320:01:35

-ON RADIO:

-# Lead me

0:01:530:01:55

# Out on the moonlit floor... #

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Ah, this is a real treat for me, Gordon,

0:01:580:02:02

being driven in for my dinner.

0:02:020:02:05

I must thank you for organising it.

0:02:050:02:07

Well, it's for Mrs Baird, really, isn't it?

0:02:070:02:09

This a regular haunt of yours, then, is it?

0:02:110:02:14

Erm, we've been twice. No, er, three times.

0:02:140:02:17

No, no...

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..twice. Last time, it were two courses for £7.95!

0:02:200:02:23

-Oh, that's good, isn't it, Beth?

-Ooh, yeah.

-Mm.

0:02:230:02:28

A lot cheaper than buying a present.

0:02:280:02:31

You didn't really need to bother, though, Gordon.

0:02:310:02:33

I could have just as easily cooked us something at home.

0:02:330:02:35

No, not on your birthday!

0:02:350:02:37

Well, her birthday was Tuesday, Gordon,

0:02:370:02:41

so she's right - she could have cooked.

0:02:410:02:44

And she'd have done us three courses

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and it wouldnae have cost you a fucking penny.

0:02:460:02:49

-HE WHISPERS:

-Dad?

-Mm-hm.

0:02:520:02:53

You haven't got Mum a cake, have you?

0:02:530:02:55

-Cake? No.

-Right.

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We could stop at the garage and get a swiss roll.

0:03:010:03:03

-No, no, I was just checking.

-Or there's Costa's.

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We can go in there and get her one of those big Jaffa Cakes.

0:03:060:03:08

No, no, it's fine, it's fine. Forget it.

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-Have you booked a table?

-No, you just sit where you like.

0:03:180:03:21

-You order at the bar, don't you?

-What's he saying?

0:03:210:03:23

It's not waitress service.

0:03:230:03:25

What do you mean it's not waitress service?

0:03:250:03:27

Well, you sit down, the tables have got a number,

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you take that number up to the bar and order your food.

0:03:290:03:31

Christ, have I to put my hair in a net and go into the kitchen

0:03:310:03:34

-and cook it for them, as well?

-Where do yous want to sit?

0:03:340:03:37

It's your birthday, Mrs Baird. You decide.

0:03:370:03:40

What about there?

0:03:400:03:42

-No.

-Eh?

-I'm not sitting at the back.

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-Why?

-I want to see what folk have got on their plates.

0:03:440:03:48

Oh, for God's sake!

0:03:480:03:49

-Well, what about that one there?

-Ah, that's fine.

-No.

-Eh?

0:03:490:03:53

Next to the fruit machine, Beth?

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-So...?

-You're no' wanting that, Beth.

0:03:560:03:59

Men standing next to you rummaging aboot in their pockets for change.

0:03:590:04:03

-Mum, you decide. It's your birthday.

-Well, not today itself, it's not.

0:04:030:04:08

Well, we're out for your birthday. Where do you want to sit?

0:04:080:04:11

Look, I really don't mind.

0:04:110:04:13

Right, that's good. Come on, we'll sit over here.

0:04:130:04:15

This'll do us fine.

0:04:150:04:16

Oh, thank you.

0:04:200:04:21

Oh-ho! Big menu, eh?

0:04:230:04:26

It's absolutely terrific, Mr Baird. I don't know where to start.

0:04:260:04:28

-Erm, which ones are on the deal?

-Oh, just them three there.

-Ah.

0:04:280:04:33

-Would you like me to hang that up for you, Mrs Baird?

-Oh, thank you.

0:04:340:04:37

-Pleasure.

-Empty the pockets, Beth. There might be junkies in.

0:04:370:04:41

Do you know, I think this is the place that Pat came to.

0:04:440:04:48

-Right.

-She had the gammon steak.

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-Oh, did she?

-Great big slab of a thing.

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-Lovely.

-Two fried eggs on the top,

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but still you had the fat peeking out the side.

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-What are you fancying?

-I might just get the nachos or something.

0:05:000:05:03

Oh, what are you having, Gordon? What's he having?

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He's thinking about nachos.

0:05:050:05:07

-Oh, lovely, Gordon.

-Oh, I've seen them.

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It's like somebody's ripped up a cardboard box

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and grated some cheese on it.

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-I quite fancy a burger.

-Are you having a starter?

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Nah, I might have a pudding instead.

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-Can you do that?

-Well, I presume so. It just says, "Two courses - £7.95."

0:05:190:05:24

Some of the starters are practically the same size as main courses!

0:05:240:05:28

Can you do that, Beth? Any two courses?

0:05:280:05:31

I don't know. It'll say somewhere on the menu.

0:05:310:05:33

-Whereabouts on the menu?

-I don't know!

0:05:330:05:36

Oh, wait till I get my specs on.

0:05:360:05:39

Aw, isn't this lovely?

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Are you going to have a starter?

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Well, I quite fancy the breaded mushrooms.

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-Instead of a pudding?

-Well, maybe as well as.

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-So, you're having three courses?

-Oh, can you do that?

0:05:490:05:52

Give me a fucking chance, will you?

0:05:520:05:55

Oh, here it is here.

0:05:550:05:57

There it is. See?

0:05:570:05:59

"Any two courses on the meal deal menu - £7.95."

0:05:590:06:04

Where's the meal deal section?

0:06:040:06:06

What does it say about three courses, though?

0:06:060:06:08

-Oh, don't confuse me.

-I think, if you're looking for three courses,

0:06:080:06:11

-you're on to the main menu.

-Ah.

0:06:110:06:14

Do you really think you need three courses, Eric?

0:06:140:06:16

Oh, here it is. Here it is. There we are.

0:06:160:06:19

"Any three courses, £9.50."

0:06:190:06:24

Oh, I apologise, Mr Baird. There you go.

0:06:240:06:27

Well, I'm just going to have a main and a pudding.

0:06:270:06:29

Well, if nobody else is having a starter, I won't either.

0:06:290:06:32

-Oh-ho-ho, Beth - they've got sticky toffee!

-Mm.

0:06:320:06:36

Do you want me to phone Pat and see what size it is?

0:06:360:06:39

-OK, are we ready to order, then?

-I think so, yeah.

0:06:390:06:42

-I am.

-Oh, yes, indeedy.

0:06:420:06:44

-Right, tell me what you want and I'll go up to the bar and get it.

-I'll have the nachos.

0:06:440:06:47

No, the veggie burger.

0:06:470:06:49

No, the nachos. No, wait...

0:06:490:06:51

-Mum, what do you want?

-I'll just have the fish, son.

0:06:510:06:53

Battered haddock for me, Ian.

0:06:530:06:55

-Me, too. I'll have the fish, please.

-Aw, look. Two twins, eh?

0:06:550:06:59

Me and you - both haddocks. The haddock girls.

0:06:590:07:03

-I'll go for that, as well.

-Trust you.

0:07:030:07:06

OK, OK, OK, I'm going to have

0:07:060:07:08

the sweetcorn fritters with mango salsa.

0:07:080:07:11

-Where's that?!

-Down there.

-Ah.

0:07:110:07:15

Oh, that sounds fucking horrible, son.

0:07:150:07:18

Eh, you stay where you are. I'll get this.

0:07:180:07:20

-No, no, this is our treat.

-Don't be daft.

0:07:200:07:22

No, we wanted to get it. It was supposed to be our treat.

0:07:220:07:24

Away.

0:07:240:07:26

Right, well, that's that sorted, thank goodness.

0:07:260:07:29

Oh, er, sorry, just one last thing - what does everybody want to drink?

0:07:290:07:33

-Oh.

-SHE SIGHS

0:07:330:07:34

-Two seconds, honey.

-Ah, right.

0:07:370:07:39

Colin!

0:07:420:07:43

Oh, look who it is, eh?

0:07:430:07:47

-How are you doing?

-Hey!

-Oh, bring it in.

0:07:470:07:50

-Bring it on in, Eric.

-Oh!

0:07:500:07:52

HE CHUCKLES This is my neighbour.

0:07:520:07:55

-This is my neighbour.

-What you up to?

0:07:550:07:57

-I'm just having a drink.

-Ah, right. Where's Cathy?

0:07:570:08:01

Cathy's no' here. She's away.

0:08:010:08:03

-Where to?

-A spa.

-Oh, right.

-Aye, she got a Groupon for a night

0:08:030:08:07

in one of they health farm places in Perthshire.

0:08:070:08:10

Oh, that sounds lovely. Aye, she'll enjoy that.

0:08:100:08:12

Aye, she will. She got a room on the ground floor

0:08:120:08:15

so she can climb out the window for a smoke.

0:08:150:08:18

This is my neighbour. What you doing here, anyway?

0:08:180:08:22

Oh, it's Beth's birthday. We're in having a meal.

0:08:220:08:25

-Away!

-Aye. Well, it was during the week, actually.

0:08:250:08:27

What, you were in during the week, as well?

0:08:270:08:30

No, no, no, it was her birthday during the week.

0:08:300:08:32

Ah. So, how come you're in today?

0:08:320:08:36

-Right, what are we having?

-Can I order some food?

0:08:360:08:39

-Course you can.

-Colin, do you want...?

0:08:390:08:42

Hello there!

0:08:430:08:45

-Oh, hi, Colin.

-Oh, Christine!

0:08:450:08:48

Didnae recognise you there

0:08:480:08:49

without your broomstick and the flying monkeys.

0:08:490:08:52

And there's Ian with his...with his pal there.

0:08:530:08:56

Hello there.

0:08:560:08:58

It's good to see you in a mainstream venue.

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So, what's the special occasion?

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Mrs Baird's birthday.

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Was. It was her birthday on Tuesday.

0:09:060:09:09

Oh, it's your birthday, Beth?

0:09:090:09:11

-I'm sorry. I didnae know.

-That's fine.

0:09:110:09:13

Oh, here, I'll give you a wee squeeze, eh?

0:09:130:09:15

-No, no, honestly.

-Aw, come on. Up you get.

0:09:150:09:18

Let's get you hugged, eh?

0:09:180:09:21

Oops!

0:09:210:09:22

Sorry, no offence. It's no' what it seems.

0:09:220:09:25

You're all right.

0:09:250:09:27

Just because Cathy's away doesn't mean I'm firing into Beth.

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Couldnae anyway, no' unless I was really pished.

0:09:310:09:34

-Where is Cathy?

-She's away at the spa.

0:09:360:09:41

-Oh.

-Ah, lovely.

-Aye, I was just telling Eric,

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she got one of they vouchers for this big, fancy place up in Perth.

0:09:450:09:50

You want to see it. I mean, it's got steam rooms, Jacuzzis.

0:09:500:09:55

You know, and a big room filled with oxygen,

0:09:550:10:00

so it can clean out your blood.

0:10:000:10:02

Oh, that sounds amazing. So a proper detox.

0:10:020:10:04

Aye, well, you know, she's been drinking every night,

0:10:040:10:06

so, you know, she gets the benefit of it, you know.

0:10:060:10:10

So, you're left on your own, then, are you?

0:10:110:10:13

Aye, but, you know, I don't mind it, though, Ian.

0:10:130:10:16

You know, give me a bit of time to myself.

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You know, do a few bits and bobs, catch up with a few of my pals.

0:10:180:10:23

-So, what you been up to, then?

-Just been sitting in here.

0:10:230:10:27

-Sorry to interrupt yous.

-Whoa!

0:10:270:10:29

-Did yous order three fish?

-Yes, we did,

0:10:300:10:33

and I hope your chef has got his oil up to temperature

0:10:330:10:36

because I am not in the mood for soggy batter, hen.

0:10:360:10:39

Nah, nah, what it is is we've only got two left.

0:10:390:10:42

-You what?!

-We've only got two fish left.

0:10:420:10:45

Have you still got the corn fritters, though?

0:10:450:10:46

-Oh, aye, plenty of them.

-Well, it is your birthday, Beth,

0:10:460:10:50

-so you've got to have one.

-Hear, hear!

0:10:500:10:53

And I'm fucking sure I'm having the other one.

0:10:530:10:55

Right. Well, let's see the menu over again?

0:10:550:10:57

Hang on, hang on. How big are they, the fish?

0:10:570:11:00

They're quite big, aye. A lot of folk don't finish them.

0:11:000:11:02

My friend struggled with one of your gammon steaks.

0:11:020:11:05

-Right.

-She eventually took it home in her handbag.

0:11:050:11:09

Why don't we take the two and I'll just split them up

0:11:090:11:12

-and share them about?

-What?

-Oh, that's a brilliant idea.

0:11:120:11:15

Let's just do that. Bring us an extra plate and I'll sort it out.

0:11:150:11:18

-What, you just want a plate on its own?

-Yes. Is that all right?

0:11:180:11:21

Well, aye, I suppose.

0:11:210:11:23

Wait a minute. If he's having some of ours and a pudding,

0:11:230:11:27

-what does he get charged for that?

-What pudding are you having?

0:11:270:11:30

-I'm not sure yet.

-Oh, they've got sticky toffee, Eric.

0:11:300:11:33

-What size is your sticky toffee?

-Christine!

0:11:330:11:36

He's already paid for a fish and a pudding.

0:11:360:11:38

-So...?

-So, he's not getting what he paid for.

0:11:380:11:41

Aye, but he's getting a plate.

0:11:410:11:42

She'll get a fucking punch in the jaw.

0:11:420:11:44

Let's do that, then. Just get us an extra plate, thanks.

0:11:440:11:47

-Anyway, happy birthday!

-Exactly. Happy birthday!

0:11:480:11:53

She better no' be away in there spitting in our meals, Beth.

0:11:530:11:56

-Let's do a toast.

-No, no!

-Ah, come on, come on.

0:11:560:12:00

Oh, wait, I've no' got a drink.

0:12:000:12:03

Where's my drink?

0:12:040:12:06

He is absolutely hammered.

0:12:080:12:10

They shouldnae still be serving him.

0:12:100:12:13

See, that's what happens, though.

0:12:130:12:15

Folk just make a pig of themselves as soon as there's cheap drink.

0:12:150:12:19

Oh, you're quite right, Christine.

0:12:190:12:21

That's a good, big glass for £1.50, isn't it?

0:12:250:12:28

Listen, he's all right. He's no' doing any harm.

0:12:280:12:31

# Happy birthday to you... #

0:12:310:12:35

Shh! Shh!

0:12:350:12:37

# Happy birthday... #

0:12:370:12:38

-Colin!

-All right, all right.

0:12:380:12:42

-We'll sing Happy Birthday later, OK?

-OK, OK, fair enough. I'll just...

0:12:420:12:47

I'll just maybe have a wee trip to the wee boys' room, eh?

0:12:470:12:52

Here, Christine,

0:12:520:12:54

you're not going to be the only one about to enjoy a single fish.

0:12:540:12:59

HE LAUGHS

0:12:590:13:02

That is a disgraceful state to get yourself into.

0:13:040:13:08

Well, no wonder, if he's been sitting in here since lunchtime.

0:13:080:13:12

Bad things can happen when you get into that sort of state.

0:13:120:13:15

Last time I drank during the day,

0:13:150:13:16

I ended up ordering garden furniture online.

0:13:160:13:19

Eric, erm, do you not think you should go in there

0:13:210:13:24

and see if he wants you to put him into a taxi?

0:13:240:13:26

-Och, away!

-Go on, Eric.

-He's not THAT bad.

0:13:260:13:29

-He's fucking blootered, Eric.

-Go on.

-Och!

0:13:290:13:33

You know the worst thing, Beth?

0:13:360:13:39

He has invited himself into your company

0:13:390:13:42

without an ounce of shame.

0:13:420:13:46

Unbelievable.

0:13:470:13:48

DOOR OPENS

0:13:510:13:54

Hey!

0:13:540:13:56

-You all right, Colin?

-Aye, there's just a lot to come out.

0:13:560:14:00

Aye. Are you no' thinking about maybe getting up the road, eh?

0:14:000:14:04

Oh, Eric, Eric.

0:14:040:14:07

Eric, Eric.

0:14:070:14:09

How often do we get the chance to get a drink, just the two of us?

0:14:090:14:14

Aye, but it's Beth's birthday, so...

0:14:140:14:16

Aye, all right. Get her a pint, as well.

0:14:160:14:18

Eric, Eric...

0:14:190:14:23

-You're a real pal, Eric.

-Right.

0:14:230:14:26

-I'm going to text Cath.

-Now, Colin?

0:14:280:14:31

I'm going to text Cath and tell her that I'm in the loo

0:14:310:14:35

having a pish with my old pal Eric!

0:14:350:14:38

No, no, no. Just let her enjoy her time at the spa, eh?

0:14:380:14:40

Look, come on. We'll go downstairs and I'll get you a taxi, eh?

0:14:400:14:43

All right, all right.

0:14:430:14:45

Here...

0:14:460:14:47

..am I being a wee bit too much, am I?

0:14:480:14:52

-No, no.

-Cos you can tell me if I am.

0:14:520:14:55

Am I, Eric? Am I being a bit OTT?

0:14:550:14:58

A wee bit.

0:14:580:14:59

Right, OK. That's fine. Fair enough.

0:15:010:15:05

Let's go. Let's go right now.

0:15:050:15:07

Hey! This is my neighbour!

0:15:090:15:11

# Neighbour... #

0:15:110:15:13

There we go. Oh, and, Mum, we've also got you a wee something.

0:15:140:15:18

-Ooh, what is it?

-Aw, that's nice. A wee surprise for you, Beth.

0:15:180:15:23

-Saved yourself the price of a stamp there, boys, eh?

-Aw.

0:15:230:15:27

-What does it say?

-"To the best mum in the world."

0:15:270:15:30

-It was the only one they had left, so...

-Cheeky wee shite.

0:15:300:15:33

Oh, what's this?

0:15:330:15:35

Oh, that's a wee voucher for you for that place you get your hair done.

0:15:350:15:38

They've got a wee beauty therapy bit now.

0:15:380:15:40

-Oh, thank you.

-It looks lovely.

0:15:400:15:42

Our friend Morven had reflexology there.

0:15:420:15:44

-She had what?

-Reflexology. You get it on your feet.

0:15:440:15:47

Oh, is that with the wee fishes?

0:15:470:15:49

-What?

-Aye, you know - the wee fishes in the tank

0:15:490:15:52

that you put your feet into

0:15:520:15:53

and they nibble all the dead skin off your toes.

0:15:530:15:56

-Oh, I don't know.

-Oh, I had that.

0:15:560:15:59

Aye. The guy said that they were full up for a fortnight after it.

0:15:590:16:03

Hey!

0:16:050:16:07

-Ah.

-Christ, here's wee Tufty back.

0:16:070:16:10

-Colin.

-Beth, Beth, a little birdie told me it was your birthday.

0:16:100:16:15

-Colin!

-Happy birthday, missus.

0:16:150:16:17

Come here till I wish you a happy birthday.

0:16:170:16:20

You've already given her a kiss.

0:16:200:16:22

He's already given her a kiss, Gordon.

0:16:220:16:24

Come on, Beth. I washed my hands.

0:16:240:16:26

-Colin, I'll ask Ian to phone you a taxi, OK?

-Eh?

0:16:260:16:29

I think Cathy would prefer it if you went up the road.

0:16:290:16:32

-Aye.

-No, she's at a spa.

0:16:320:16:36

-Cathy's at a spa, Gordon.

-Ignore him, Gordon.

0:16:360:16:39

Ian, just call.

0:16:390:16:42

Gordon, Gordon, you'll like this.

0:16:420:16:45

You know, there was a guy in there earlier having a slash

0:16:450:16:48

with his trousers round his ankles.

0:16:480:16:50

You saw the lot.

0:16:520:16:54

-Right, I've got a haddock.

-Whoo! There she is,

0:16:540:16:57

-with the fishes and the dishes. Whoo! Whoo!

-Haddock!

0:16:570:17:00

Here!

0:17:000:17:01

Oh, look at that! Fucking yes, Beth!

0:17:010:17:06

-Another haddock?

-Erm...

0:17:060:17:07

It's her birthday. Well, was.

0:17:070:17:10

-HE SLURS:

-Ian, you...you all right? You all right, aye?

0:17:100:17:14

Yous having anything?

0:17:140:17:16

-Sweetcorn fritters.

-They're just bringing them.

0:17:160:17:18

Right, OK. Right, apologies. Nae bother.

0:17:180:17:22

-Just start.

-I'm waiting on my tartare sauce.

0:17:220:17:25

Where are the sauces, Beth?

0:17:250:17:27

We'll ask the waitress when she comes back.

0:17:270:17:29

-Right, I've got a burger.

-That's mine.

0:17:290:17:31

-Excuse me?

-And sweetcorn fritters.

-That's me.

0:17:310:17:34

-Excuse me?

-Two seconds. Whose is the extra plate, again?

0:17:340:17:38

That's me.

0:17:380:17:39

Whoa, whoa, whoa, there's nothing on that!

0:17:390:17:41

-That's what he asked for.

-Excuse me?

0:17:410:17:43

I mean, I know he's on a diet, but come on!

0:17:430:17:45

It's all right, Colin. It's all right.

0:17:450:17:46

We're sharing. They're sharing their fish with him.

0:17:460:17:49

-Excuse me?

-Oh, right. I thought he got an empty plate!

0:17:490:17:52

Beth, I thought... I thought he'd been given an empty plate.

0:17:520:17:56

Look, I'm sorry.

0:17:560:17:59

I'm sorry, darling. Just give us a hug, eh?

0:17:590:18:01

-No, no, no.

-Colin, no!

-Excuse me!

0:18:010:18:04

-Yes?

-Do you have any tartare sauce?

0:18:040:18:08

-Yep. Anything else?

-Erm, tomato sauce, please.

0:18:080:18:10

-OK. Anything else?

-Vinegar, please.

0:18:100:18:12

-Anything else?

-Is it sachets?

-Aye.

0:18:120:18:15

Aw, well, fuck it, just bring us two of everything, then.

0:18:150:18:18

Right, give us your plate over, Eric.

0:18:180:18:21

Here, Eric, you can have some of these chips.

0:18:210:18:24

Some of these massive ones are quite hard in the middle,

0:18:240:18:27

-so you can have them.

-Here you go.

0:18:270:18:30

Oh, you should have given him the wee curly bit at the end, Beth.

0:18:300:18:36

There's bugger all fish in that, Gordon. It's just pure batter.

0:18:360:18:39

-That all right for you?

-Mm, looks good. Yours?

0:18:400:18:44

-Oh, yeah, it looks nice.

-Let's have a wee look, Gordon.

0:18:440:18:47

Let's see what you got.

0:18:470:18:48

Aw, see, that's the thing about being vegetarian -

0:18:480:18:52

you always end up with the shitest thing on the menu, don't you?

0:18:520:18:56

Oh, here's my friend again.

0:18:570:19:00

Here, see when you...

0:19:000:19:02

See when you brought that plate over,

0:19:020:19:05

I thought that was supposed to be his meal

0:19:050:19:07

and you forgot to put food on it.

0:19:070:19:10

Oh, right, there we are. Oh, that's it.

0:19:130:19:16

Right.

0:19:170:19:18

-Oh, bastard! Have you got yours, Ian?

-No.

0:19:230:19:27

Fucking nuisance, these things, aren't they?

0:19:270:19:30

Oh, there we are! That's it now. That's it.

0:19:310:19:36

That's it.

0:19:370:19:39

Mm. Do you know, I remember the days

0:19:400:19:45

when this would have been a luxury - going out for a meal.

0:19:450:19:48

Special occasions only.

0:19:480:19:50

-Well, it's Beth's birthday.

-Ah, well, was.

0:19:500:19:54

See when I was your age,

0:19:540:19:56

we never went out for something to eat.

0:19:560:19:58

No, we always got fed in the house.

0:19:580:20:01

-Aye, and once in a blue moon, you'd get a chippy.

-Aye.

0:20:010:20:04

Oh, and you had the same every week, eh?

0:20:040:20:07

You had mince on a Monday,

0:20:070:20:09

and your cottage pie on a Tuesday to use up the mince from the Monday.

0:20:090:20:14

SHE CHUCKLES Stewing steak on a Wednesday,

0:20:140:20:17

pork chop on a Thursday and then your fish,

0:20:170:20:21

done in a crumb, fried with an egg, on a Friday.

0:20:210:20:24

Oh, nothing wrong with that, eh?

0:20:240:20:27

Good Scottish diet.

0:20:270:20:29

My mother made that every week

0:20:290:20:32

till she had those heart attacks.

0:20:320:20:34

I remember my mother used to cook lamb every Sunday.

0:20:340:20:39

-I loved it.

-Ooh, lamb.

0:20:390:20:42

Do you know that lamb comes from an actual lamb, Gordon?

0:20:420:20:49

We always had chicken on a Sunday

0:20:490:20:51

and then, on the Monday, we'd have soup.

0:20:510:20:53

Oh, yes, that's your proper way to make stock, you know -

0:20:530:20:58

boil up the carcass of the bird.

0:20:580:21:00

-Christine, Gordon's vegetarian.

-Oh. Oh, sorry, son. Sorry.

0:21:000:21:05

I meant skeleton.

0:21:050:21:07

I tell you, I'm glad that I ran into you today.

0:21:070:21:11

I really am.

0:21:110:21:13

It's actually made my day.

0:21:130:21:15

-Aw.

-No, it has.

0:21:150:21:18

I'm actually feeling quite emotional about it

0:21:180:21:20

-just thinking about it, you know?

-Aw, that's nice.

0:21:200:21:24

Any word on that taxi, Ian?

0:21:240:21:26

I mean, you're my neighbours, you know,

0:21:260:21:28

but see just sitting here, you know, watching you eating your chips,

0:21:280:21:33

it's made me realise that you're...

0:21:330:21:35

..you're actually my friends, as well.

0:21:360:21:38

-Aw!

-Phone it again, son.

0:21:380:21:41

-# Happy birthday to you... #

-Oh, for God...

-Shh!

0:21:410:21:44

-Colin! Shh! Shh! Shh!

-# Happy birthday to... #

0:21:440:21:47

What is it? What is it? It's Beth's birthday!

0:21:470:21:49

I just want to wish her a happy birthday, right?

0:21:490:21:52

Yeah, not just now. We'll do it later, eh?

0:21:520:21:55

I'm sending Cathy a text.

0:21:550:21:59

-Have you got enough?

-Aye, I'm fine.

0:21:590:22:01

-Have a few more.

-Did you guys order a taxi?

0:22:010:22:03

-ALL:

-Yes!

-Colin, that's your taxi.

0:22:030:22:06

-Mm?

-Colin.

-What?

-That's your taxi.

0:22:060:22:11

Oh, right.

0:22:110:22:12

Come on, I'll see you in to it.

0:22:150:22:17

I need to get something out the car, anyway.

0:22:170:22:19

-PHONE BEEPS

-Wait. She's text me back.

0:22:190:22:21

Let's see. What's that, Gordon?

0:22:210:22:23

I cannae see what that is. Is that a picture of a flag?

0:22:230:22:27

-What is it?

-She's sent me a flag.

0:22:270:22:30

He asked her what treatment she'd had done at the spa

0:22:300:22:32

and she's just sent him a picture of a Brazil flag.

0:22:320:22:34

Oh, right. Come on, Colin. Let's go.

0:22:340:22:37

OK, OK.

0:22:370:22:39

-Bye, Colin.

-Bye, Beth.

0:22:390:22:42

Beth, Beth... Happy birthday, Beth.

0:22:430:22:48

-Thank you.

-I'm very sorry I didn't get you anything.

0:22:480:22:51

-Och, don't worry.

-Beth, Beth...

0:22:510:22:56

-Colin, come on!

-All right, all right.

0:22:560:22:59

Christine...

0:22:590:23:00

-Right, let's go.

-Come on.

0:23:040:23:08

HE EXHALES

0:23:080:23:10

Two minutes, my friend.

0:23:150:23:17

OK, well, that's us, then.

0:23:170:23:19

-Here, give us a hug, Gordon.

-Aw, you're all right.

0:23:190:23:23

Just hope people don't think we're a couple.

0:23:260:23:28

-No.

-I mean, you look it, but I don't.

0:23:280:23:32

-Nae offence.

-That's fine.

0:23:320:23:33

-Do you think you can tell?

-Tell what?

0:23:360:23:39

If someone's, you know...

0:23:390:23:41

-What is it you're meant to say?

-Gay?

0:23:410:23:44

-Aye, or bent or whatever.

-Well, I can.

0:23:440:23:48

You see, I can't.

0:23:490:23:51

You know, well, I can sometimes tell lesbians,

0:23:510:23:56

but see guys? You know, it could be anybody.

0:23:560:24:00

Do you know, there was a guy once

0:24:000:24:03

who gave me the eye in Starbucks, Gordon?

0:24:030:24:06

-Really?

-Mm-hm. He was...

0:24:060:24:08

He was standing next to the marshmallows

0:24:080:24:10

and he just looked at me.

0:24:100:24:13

No. Looked at you how?

0:24:130:24:15

It was like this. You know, it was like...

0:24:150:24:17

-What is going on?

-Erm, Colin's just telling me

0:24:210:24:24

about the guy who were coming on to him in Starbucks.

0:24:240:24:26

-Oh, right.

-He looked at me like this, Ian.

0:24:260:24:30

Right, well, erm, we should just go in.

0:24:330:24:35

-What's that?

-Erm, it's a cake for my mum.

0:24:350:24:39

Away! Oh, come on, I cannae miss that.

0:24:390:24:44

Two minutes, my friend! Two minutes!

0:24:440:24:47

Do yous want the menus back to look at the desserts?

0:24:510:24:54

-Oh, I'm not really that...

-I'm wanting a sticky toffee pudding

0:24:540:24:57

with one of your lattes in a big glass

0:24:570:24:59

with two bits of tablet on the side, hen.

0:24:590:25:01

I'll just leave these here.

0:25:010:25:04

-Hey-hey!

-Oh.

-Aw, you're fucking joking!

0:25:050:25:10

-I thought you were...

-I couldn't leave without singing

0:25:100:25:13

Happy Birthday!

0:25:130:25:16

-Oh, no.

-Aw, look at that!

0:25:160:25:19

Hey, you kept that quiet, eh?

0:25:190:25:21

Aw, that's nice. A birthday cake, eh?

0:25:210:25:24

Oh, and look - Tesco's Finest.

0:25:240:25:27

You've certainly been getting the five-star treatment today, Beth.

0:25:270:25:30

You know, I feel bad I havnae got you anything, honestly.

0:25:300:25:33

-Don't worry, we got her something.

-Did you?

0:25:330:25:36

I'm a last-minute invitation, so I havnae had a chance.

0:25:360:25:40

Oh, the boys got me a voucher for a treatment.

0:25:400:25:43

PHONE BEEPS

0:25:430:25:45

Oh, it's Cathy. Aw, she's sent me a photo.

0:25:450:25:49

Why don't we get this out of the box and sing Happy Birthday

0:25:490:25:52

so Colin can get on his way?

0:25:520:25:54

Aw, that's nice, Beth.

0:25:560:25:58

You've certainly got a lot to choose from there, you know.

0:25:580:26:01

-Oh, thanks, boys.

-Pleasure.

0:26:010:26:03

You could always get one of these done, Beth.

0:26:030:26:06

-What's that?

-Look at that.

0:26:060:26:09

-Is that...?

-It's Cathy's, aye.

-What is it?

0:26:100:26:14

Aw, for God's sake!

0:26:180:26:21

Sorry, Eric. I can't show you.

0:26:220:26:25

-Fair enough.

-It's private.

0:26:250:26:28

It's Cathy's chuff.

0:26:280:26:30

OK, are we ready? Shall we do this?

0:26:320:26:34

ALL: # Happy birthday to you

0:26:380:26:43

# Happy birthday to you... #

0:26:430:26:47

At last!

0:26:470:26:48

# Happy birthday dear

0:26:480:26:51

-# Mrs Baird

-Beth

0:26:510:26:53

# Happy birthday to you. #

0:26:530:26:58

-Come on, everybody! Hip hip!

-ALL: Hooray!

0:26:580:27:01

-Hip hip!

-Hooray!

-Hip hip!

-Hooray!

0:27:010:27:04

Jeez!

0:27:060:27:08

SHE SNIGGERS

0:27:080:27:10

Are yous all right? Is he all right?

0:27:100:27:11

-Aye, aye, he's fine.

-He's all right.

-Sorry.

0:27:110:27:15

Aw, what a shame. Is that your birthday cake, as well?

0:27:150:27:18

Don't worry.

0:27:180:27:19

-Whose birthday is it?

-Mine.

-Aw.

0:27:190:27:23

Well, was.

0:27:230:27:25

# Happy birthday to you

0:27:260:27:29

# Happy birthday to you

0:27:290:27:32

# Get your finger out of it

0:27:370:27:38

# It don't belong to you

0:27:380:27:42

# Get your finger out of it

0:27:420:27:44

# It don't belong to you

0:27:440:27:47

# I wouldn't give you a piece even if it's your birthday, too. #

0:27:470:27:52

Beth's birthday treat - lunch out with the family - is hijacked by a very drunk Colin, another uninvited guest and an alarmingly intimate photograph.


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