Party Pieces Two Doors Down


Party Pieces

Sitcom. Back from a quiz night at the pub, everyone is encouraged to reveal their hidden talents. Cathy is very bendy but Gordon not quite as agile as everyone hoped.


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Transcript


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This programme contains some strong language.

0:00:020:00:04

-Oh, whoa, whoa! Oh, ya! Jeez!

-DOOR CLOSES

0:00:040:00:06

There he goes, he's not wasting any time.

0:00:060:00:09

"Pssssss.

0:00:090:00:11

"Pssssssss!"

0:00:110:00:14

Right, Cath, come on, in you go.

0:00:140:00:15

CATHY CHUCKLES

0:00:150:00:17

Well, that was good fun.

0:00:200:00:22

Aye, but what about that crowd in the corner?

0:00:220:00:25

I mean, it's a pub quiz, for God's sake,

0:00:250:00:27

not the bloody final of Mastermind.

0:00:270:00:28

Look, we raised a bit of money.

0:00:280:00:30

Exactly, we raised a bit of money, we did a bit for charity,

0:00:300:00:34

who cares who won?!

0:00:340:00:35

£75 in Debenhams vouchers they walked away with.

0:00:350:00:38

You're fucking joking!

0:00:380:00:40

Eric, I'm just saying, that mob in the corner.

0:00:400:00:43

Aye, who were they?

0:00:430:00:44

I think a couple of them were teachers.

0:00:440:00:46

Ah, well, they may be brainy but they were very flat-chested.

0:00:460:00:50

Right - who's for coffee and who's for tea?

0:00:500:00:52

-Coffee.

-Tea.

0:00:520:00:53

Large vodka tonic.

0:00:530:00:55

MUSIC: S.O.B by Nathaniel Rateliff & The Night Sweats

0:00:550:00:58

DOG BARKS

0:01:110:01:14

-Oh, thanks, hen.

-Thanks.

0:01:140:01:17

Aye, it's right enough - a male fox is a dog.

0:01:170:01:21

-Mm-hm.

-Told you!

0:01:210:01:22

Unbelievable!

0:01:220:01:24

-And what did we put?

-A bull.

0:01:240:01:26

How have I gone through life no' knowing that!

0:01:260:01:29

A male fox is a dog

0:01:290:01:30

and a female fox is a....

0:01:320:01:34

-Vixen.

-How do you know that, Beth?

0:01:340:01:37

-I just do.

-You knew tonnes of the nature ones.

0:01:370:01:41

What was that other one she knew?

0:01:410:01:42

Joey, joey!

0:01:420:01:44

A baby kangaroo is a joey.

0:01:440:01:46

Aw, remember Joey from Friends?

0:01:470:01:50

I would still actually shag him, Beth.

0:01:500:01:52

How do you know all that, Beth?

0:01:520:01:54

I do actually have a brain, you know.

0:01:540:01:56

I haven't spent my entire life in here making tea and washing clothes.

0:01:560:02:02

-Tell them!

-No.

0:02:040:02:06

-What?

-Tell them.

-Tell us what?

0:02:060:02:09

When I was younger, I was going to train to be a vet's nurse.

0:02:100:02:15

Oh, I thought it was going to be something interesting.

0:02:150:02:17

And why did you not do it?

0:02:170:02:18

I don't know, I just ended up getting a job,

0:02:180:02:21

-and getting married...

-Oh, aye, it's my fault!

0:02:210:02:23

Oh, my God, Colin, can you imagine Beth helping the farmer

0:02:230:02:27

pull the wee calf out of the cow's bottom?

0:02:270:02:30

You could still go to college and do it, Beth.

0:02:300:02:32

-Oh, no, no.

-No, she's too old, Colin.

0:02:320:02:35

Mature student!

0:02:350:02:36

Pound a pint, Beth.

0:02:360:02:38

Look, it was a long time ago,

0:02:380:02:40

and I'm not about to start any training for a job now.

0:02:400:02:43

Quite right, Beth, it's easier just to do nothing.

0:02:430:02:47

I tell you what,

0:02:500:02:52

I'm a wee bit peckish.

0:02:520:02:54

Oh, do you want a biscuit?

0:02:540:02:55

No, no, no, no' a biscuit.

0:02:550:02:56

I'm not hungry, Beth, I'm just enjoying drinking.

0:02:560:02:59

We should've stopped off for something on the way home.

0:02:590:03:01

Aye, you're right enough, Eric. Bag of chips, eh?

0:03:010:03:04

-Oh, aye.

-Oooh, big, fat salty chips, Eric, hmm?

0:03:040:03:09

And a glass of beautiful wine.

0:03:090:03:12

What do you take with yours, Eric?

0:03:120:03:13

Usually a battered sausage.

0:03:130:03:15

He's such a greedy bastard, Beth.

0:03:150:03:17

-Anyway...

-Shame we never thought.

0:03:190:03:21

Here, I'll tell you what's even better than chippy chips.

0:03:210:03:25

What?

0:03:250:03:26

Home-made chips.

0:03:260:03:28

Oh, Beth!

0:03:280:03:30

-No.

-Come on, Beth.

0:03:300:03:32

-Home-made chips done in the pan.

-Ooooh.

0:03:320:03:35

Forget it!

0:03:350:03:36

Home-made chips, served with salt and vinegar,

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and a big skoosh of tomato sauce.

0:03:380:03:41

No. No way! I am not making chips at this time of night.

0:03:410:03:45

Eric, tell them.

0:03:450:03:46

Eric?

0:03:480:03:50

RADIO PLAYS IN BACKGROUND

0:03:500:03:52

KNOCK ON DOOR

0:03:520:03:54

-Oh, hullo, Beth, you're in.

-Christine, you all right?

0:03:590:04:02

Fine. Well, I'm fine.

0:04:020:04:05

-Pat's not.

-What's wrong?

0:04:050:04:07

-She got attacked by a dog.

-Oh, my God.

0:04:070:04:09

-Her dog, friendly fire.

-What happened?

0:04:090:04:12

She was just reaching into her fridge to get a bit

0:04:120:04:15

of that smoked ham to tide her over till her dinner

0:04:150:04:18

and, next thing she knew, it had sunk its teeth

0:04:180:04:21

-into the back of her legs.

-Oh, that's terrible.

0:04:210:04:24

Well, she will buy that dear ham, Beth.

0:04:240:04:26

Come in, you'd better come in.

0:04:280:04:30

I'll not stop long, Beth.

0:04:340:04:36

I'm just on my way up to the hospital

0:04:360:04:38

with a bag of stuff for her.

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I said to her, "Don't you worry, Pat, I am here for you any time,

0:04:390:04:44

"day or night, you can count on me, I won't let you down."

0:04:440:04:48

SHE SNIFFS

0:04:490:04:51

What's that smell?

0:04:510:04:53

Are you doing chips?

0:04:530:04:55

Where did you say Ian was again?

0:04:550:04:57

Amsterdam, for a long weekend.

0:04:570:04:59

Och, Amsterdam, that's all drugs and sex shows

0:04:590:05:02

and prostitutes there.

0:05:020:05:05

We're booked to go in October.

0:05:050:05:07

If it's no' one thing, it's another.

0:05:070:05:09

Christine!

0:05:090:05:11

What are you doing here?

0:05:110:05:12

-I'm on my way to the hospital.

-What for?

0:05:120:05:15

-Pat's dog's had a go at her.

-Aw, no!

0:05:150:05:17

Mmm, went for the back of her leg

0:05:170:05:19

and then got a slice of ham off her when she was down.

0:05:190:05:21

-Is she all right?

-Not bad. She's had a tetanus

0:05:210:05:25

and I'm just taking her up a clean pair of knickers and a tangerine.

0:05:250:05:27

What about the dog?

0:05:270:05:29

It's in the hut with its teddy.

0:05:290:05:30

What are you pair doing here?

0:05:300:05:32

Oh, we were away at a quiz night.

0:05:320:05:34

-Oh, a quiz night?

-Yes.

0:05:340:05:36

Oh, I like a quiz.

0:05:360:05:38

-Go on, give us a question.

-Eh?

0:05:380:05:40

Ask me a question.

0:05:400:05:42

You staying long?

0:05:420:05:44

-CATH LAUGHS

-Cheeky bastard.

0:05:440:05:46

-So, did youse win?

-We came third.

-Mm.

0:05:460:05:49

-What did you get for that?

-A bottle of wine.

0:05:490:05:50

-Cheap, horrible red wine.

-Where is it by the way?

0:05:500:05:54

I've got it in my bag.

0:05:540:05:55

You staying for some chips, Christine?

0:05:550:05:57

Oh, mm, I don't know.

0:05:570:05:59

I've got to get to Pat at the hospital.

0:05:590:06:01

-BETH:

-You're welcome if you want to, Christine?

0:06:010:06:03

Mmm...

0:06:030:06:05

Right.

0:06:050:06:06

OK, then, I'll maybe take a few.

0:06:060:06:09

-Right, no bother.

-And a slice of bread.

0:06:090:06:11

A slice of bread, right.

0:06:110:06:12

In fact, two slices.

0:06:120:06:14

Two slices. You mean like a chip butty?

0:06:140:06:17

Oh, good idea, Beth. Aye, a chip butty.

0:06:170:06:20

Oh, Beth, could you put the fan on?

0:06:210:06:23

I don't want to have to wash my hair when I go home.

0:06:230:06:26

Here, Christine, if I said to you what is a male fox called,

0:06:260:06:31

what would you say?

0:06:310:06:33

I'd say what the fuck are you asking me that for?

0:06:330:06:35

Naw, it was a question in the quiz!

0:06:350:06:37

Oh, I see!

0:06:370:06:39

A male fox...

0:06:390:06:41

Well, well, I don't...

0:06:410:06:44

Is it no' just a fox?

0:06:440:06:46

Ah, but is it?

0:06:460:06:47

I mean, a female fox is a vixen.

0:06:470:06:50

Oh, so it is.

0:06:500:06:52

And a male fox...

0:06:520:06:54

Oh, I don't know.

0:06:540:06:56

Is it a stud?

0:06:560:06:57

It's a dog.

0:06:570:06:59

-A dog? How is it a dog?

-It just is.

0:06:590:07:02

Well, what's a male dog called? And don't say a fucking fox.

0:07:020:07:06

Well, a dog would just be a dog.

0:07:060:07:09

Fucking foxes going into bins and then running away

0:07:090:07:13

when you try to pat them.

0:07:130:07:14

-BETH:

-Nearly there, almost done.

0:07:140:07:17

Here, Beth, were you at this thing?

0:07:170:07:19

They're saying a fox is a...

0:07:190:07:22

What is it?

0:07:220:07:23

-ERIC:

-A male fox is a dog.

0:07:230:07:25

-A dog, aye.

-BETH:

-That's right.

0:07:250:07:27

And she should know, she studied to be a vet.

0:07:270:07:30

A vet's nurse, Colin. She's not brainy enough to be an actual vet.

0:07:300:07:34

I didn't study, I was just interested in it.

0:07:340:07:36

Oh, I love animals.

0:07:360:07:38

I think you'd be magic at it, Beth, you know, washing their fur

0:07:380:07:41

before the operation and getting them shaved and whatnot.

0:07:410:07:45

And, like, holding them down when they're angry.

0:07:450:07:48

I've seen that. Angry cats not wanting the torch in their ears.

0:07:480:07:53

Not just so keen on cats, they can have a temper, the wee shites.

0:07:530:07:57

-Right, ask me another one.

-Right.

0:07:590:08:01

-Who was the second man on the Moon?

-The second man on the Moon?

-Aye.

0:08:010:08:05

Oh, I canny think.

0:08:060:08:08

Oh, you'll get it. Just think about it. Who was the first?

0:08:080:08:11

-Oh, well, I know that.

-Yeah?

-Of course.

0:08:110:08:14

Louis Armstrong.

0:08:140:08:16

OK, here we go.

0:08:160:08:18

Christine, your chip butty's just coming.

0:08:180:08:20

Aw, bless you, Beth.

0:08:200:08:22

-I'm sure Pat won't mind me...

-ERIC:

-Lovely.

0:08:220:08:24

..getting a wee five minutes with my chips.

0:08:240:08:26

Aw, you're not putting mayonnaise in your chips, are you?

0:08:300:08:34

That's what the French do, Christine. In't it, Eric?

0:08:340:08:36

Aye, that's right, French fries.

0:08:360:08:38

Aye, they also shit into a hole in the ground

0:08:380:08:40

-but that doesnae make it a good idea.

-Christine...

0:08:400:08:43

..French cuisine is some of the best in the world, isn't it, Colin?

0:08:430:08:46

That's right.

0:08:460:08:47

That Nando's that we went to in Calais, it's the best I've been to.

0:08:470:08:51

So, how are you getting up to the hospital, Christine?

0:08:510:08:54

Oh, I thought I might just get a taxi, you know?

0:08:540:08:57

Well, unless any of you could...

0:08:590:09:02

Well, ah, you know, I've had a couple of drinks, so I'm out.

0:09:020:09:04

-Naw, listen, I've had a few pints, so...

-I'm pissed.

-..sorry.

-Mm-hm.

0:09:040:09:08

Ah!

0:09:080:09:10

Hot, hot, hot!

0:09:100:09:11

Break it in half, Cathy,

0:09:110:09:14

you've got to let the air in at the heart of the chip.

0:09:140:09:17

And blow, that's it.

0:09:170:09:19

That's it, that's it, blow.

0:09:210:09:23

That's it, Eric.

0:09:240:09:26

Oh, there you go, Christine. Here's yours coming.

0:09:260:09:28

HE MIMICS A FANFARE

0:09:280:09:30

-Give it here.

-CHRISTINE LAUGHS

0:09:300:09:32

Oh...

0:09:320:09:33

Oh, not bad, Beth, not bad.

0:09:330:09:36

But you could've snuck a couple of wee ones in at the edge there.

0:09:360:09:41

Here, Beth.

0:09:410:09:42

I could go a wee slice of bread myself.

0:09:420:09:44

Cathy?

0:09:460:09:47

No, thanks, I don't eat carbs.

0:09:470:09:49

CAR ENGINE RUMBLES OUTSIDE

0:09:570:09:59

What's that?

0:09:590:10:00

What is it?

0:10:020:10:04

Is it the police?

0:10:040:10:05

No.

0:10:050:10:07

Is that...?

0:10:070:10:08

-Is that Ian?

-Eh?

0:10:080:10:10

-BETH:

-No, it can't be, he's in Amsterdam.

0:10:100:10:12

It is. It's Ian and Gordon.

0:10:120:10:14

-ERIC:

-What?

-CHRISTINE:

-It is them.

-Are they coming in?

0:10:140:10:16

I don't know what they're doing.

0:10:160:10:18

Eric, go out and see what's going on.

0:10:180:10:21

-Ian.

-Dad.

0:10:310:10:33

-You all right?

-Sorry, did we wake you up?

0:10:330:10:36

No, no, no, we were up.

0:10:360:10:38

Everything all right?

0:10:380:10:39

-You all right, Gordon, son?

-Hello, Mr Baird.

0:10:400:10:43

How come you're back?

0:10:430:10:45

Och, we just thought we'd get an earlier flight.

0:10:450:10:47

-Oh, right.

-Sorta seen everything we wanted to see, hadn't we?

0:10:470:10:50

Well, I had.

0:10:500:10:52

Right.

0:10:530:10:55

Er, do you want to come in?

0:10:550:10:56

Your mum's made chips.

0:10:580:10:59

DOOR CLOSES

0:11:060:11:09

-Oh, hi, Gordon!

-Everything all right?

0:11:090:11:12

Aye, fine, fine.

0:11:120:11:14

Look at this, Gordon. Bread, butter and chips.

0:11:140:11:17

What more could you ask for, eh?

0:11:170:11:19

A triple heart bypass?

0:11:190:11:20

I hear you've been in Amsterdam.

0:11:200:11:23

Two naughty boys in Amsterdam, eh?

0:11:230:11:26

Well, one.

0:11:260:11:28

Is this you just coming straight from the airport, is it?

0:11:280:11:31

Aye, we left our car here, save paying for parking, you know?

0:11:310:11:34

Did you smoke cannabis, Gordon?

0:11:340:11:35

I smoked it once, it made me want to watch loads of cartoons.

0:11:350:11:40

Ah, the old wacky baccy, eh?

0:11:400:11:42

They put it in cakes, don't they?

0:11:420:11:43

Imagine that, Christine.

0:11:430:11:45

Oh, yes, I can.

0:11:450:11:47

Folk spiking your Victoria sponge.

0:11:470:11:50

One minute it's afternoon tea,

0:11:500:11:53

the next you're starring in a snuff movie.

0:11:530:11:56

It's only one area that's like that, the city's actually really nice.

0:11:560:12:01

Yes, it is, Ian, it is a beautiful place.

0:12:010:12:04

Remember I saw that woman with the cock?

0:12:050:12:08

You're back a bit early, are you not?

0:12:080:12:10

Yeah, we just sort of had enough, didn't we?

0:12:100:12:13

Uh-huh.

0:12:140:12:15

Can I use your toilet, please?

0:12:180:12:19

SHE MOUTHS: What's going on?

0:12:220:12:24

BATHROOM DOOR OPENS AND CLOSES

0:12:240:12:26

Mm-hm.

0:12:280:12:30

Aw, look, Beth's left her chips.

0:12:340:12:36

Oh, that's a shame to let them go cold.

0:12:360:12:39

Cathy, pass us they chips over, will you?

0:12:390:12:42

Look, we had a bit of a disagreement

0:12:440:12:46

and we decided that it would be better if we just came home.

0:12:460:12:49

-Disagreement about what?

-Ugh, nothing that important.

0:12:490:12:52

-Is it drugs?

-No!

-Is it money?

0:12:520:12:54

-Did you spend all your money on drugs?

-No!

0:12:540:12:57

There's obviously something quite seriously wrong.

0:12:570:13:01

Oh, aye.

0:13:010:13:02

-You don't spend money on a weekend away and then come home early.

-No.

0:13:020:13:06

Although I did when we went to Belfast

0:13:070:13:09

and I didn't like the accents.

0:13:090:13:11

Maybe they didn't come home out of choice.

0:13:110:13:14

-What do you mean?

-Maybe they've been deported.

-What?!

0:13:140:13:17

Could be. I mean, we went there with the football,

0:13:170:13:20

there was a couple of the boys got put on to the plane back home.

0:13:200:13:22

-How, what did they do?

-Nothing.

0:13:220:13:25

Shat in the canal.

0:13:250:13:26

We went for a night out last night

0:13:260:13:28

and Gordon didn't like the place that we went to.

0:13:280:13:31

Yeah, but you don't jump on the next plane home just cos of that.

0:13:310:13:33

TOILET FLUSHES

0:13:330:13:35

All right?

0:13:360:13:37

Yeah, fine.

0:13:370:13:39

-Ah, are you going to tell me what's going on?

-Nothing.

0:13:400:13:43

-Is it drugs?

-No, but if you keep asking that I'm going to need some.

0:13:440:13:47

-Well, this place you went to, what went on there?

-Nothing.

0:13:470:13:51

It was fine, it was just a bar, wasn't it?

0:13:510:13:55

What was it called?

0:13:580:13:59

The Hole.

0:13:590:14:01

Oh.

0:14:020:14:03

Huh.

0:14:030:14:04

Remember that time I came home from Guernsey three days early?

0:14:040:14:08

Oh, no' this.

0:14:080:14:10

I will never, ever set foot in the Channel Islands again.

0:14:100:14:15

Or play crazy golf in flip flops.

0:14:150:14:17

Shhh!

0:14:170:14:19

Cathy, leave them alone. It's none of our business.

0:14:190:14:22

Leave them to it. Let them sort it between them.

0:14:220:14:25

Mm-hm.

0:14:250:14:26

It's quite natural for couples to have wee disagreements

0:14:260:14:29

now and again.

0:14:290:14:31

No need for us to poke our noses in.

0:14:310:14:33

-Should I...?

-Aye, fire in, Cathy, see what the story is.

0:14:390:14:43

HE SIGHS

0:14:440:14:46

Oh, sorry, I didn't realise you were in here.

0:14:470:14:50

I'll just get a glass of water.

0:14:520:14:55

It was absolutely disgusting. Honestly, Mrs Baird,

0:14:560:14:59

I've never seen anything like it.

0:14:590:15:00

It's Amsterdam, what do you expect?

0:15:000:15:02

Erm, this'll be fine.

0:15:020:15:05

Oh, carry on, I'm not, I'm not listening.

0:15:170:15:19

I just thought...

0:15:200:15:22

..you might enjoy it.

0:15:220:15:24

-Did he take you to a sex show, Gordon?

-Cathy!

-Did he?

0:15:240:15:27

-Was there actual penetration?

-No!

0:15:270:15:30

It was not a sex show...

0:15:300:15:33

-..it was a bar.

-A gay bar?

0:15:330:15:35

Yes, a gay bar.

0:15:350:15:36

Were there, like, loads of men with their tops off, like,

0:15:360:15:38

-rubbing up against each other?

-Cathy!

0:15:380:15:41

I'm just trying to visualise it!

0:15:410:15:43

You know, did they have like really short hair and great teeth?

0:15:430:15:47

Look, I really wanted to go to Amsterdam

0:15:470:15:49

and I was happy to go to that bar, I just didn't expect...

0:15:490:15:52

I just...

0:15:520:15:54

What were you doing in that cubicle?

0:15:540:15:56

Boom!

0:15:560:15:58

Cathy, why don't we go through to the living room?

0:15:580:16:00

Oh, no way!

0:16:000:16:01

Cathy, living room, now!

0:16:010:16:04

Cathy!

0:16:150:16:17

Living room, now!

0:16:170:16:19

What's gone on?

0:16:240:16:25

It's between Ian and Gordon.

0:16:250:16:27

They went to a gay bar and Ian did something in a cubicle.

0:16:280:16:31

Oh, dear.

0:16:310:16:32

Well, what's wrong with that?

0:16:320:16:34

If I was a man, I'd go in to a cubicle

0:16:340:16:36

as opposed to standing at a trough with my willy out.

0:16:360:16:39

Not that kind of cubicle, Christine!

0:16:390:16:42

A booth.

0:16:420:16:43

A gay sex booth.

0:16:430:16:45

Oh.

0:16:450:16:47

Oh, hell.

0:16:470:16:48

You ever been to a gay bar, Eric?

0:16:520:16:54

Me? No.

0:16:540:16:56

-I have. Haven't I, Cathy?

-Yeah.

0:16:560:16:58

In London. Fair play to them.

0:16:580:17:00

It was actually a very welcoming and friendly place.

0:17:000:17:03

There was music on, they had a fruit machine, they even had pints.

0:17:030:17:06

-Really, aye?

-Aye, I got talking to this wee Moroccan guy

0:17:060:17:10

-wi' a denim jacket on. I had a great night.

-Ah.

0:17:100:17:13

-You didn't go to the toilet, though, did you?

-No chance.

0:17:130:17:17

I shared a table with a lesbian in Costas, didn't I, Beth?

0:17:170:17:21

You did.

0:17:210:17:23

Look, I'm sorry.

0:17:250:17:28

I should've asked you first, I get it.

0:17:280:17:30

I just...

0:17:300:17:31

I don't know why you'd even want to do that with someone else.

0:17:310:17:34

It was just a bit of fun in a bar,

0:17:340:17:35

it's not like I've actually cheated on you.

0:17:350:17:37

You had his cock in your hand!

0:17:370:17:38

Shhh!

0:17:380:17:39

Look...

0:17:430:17:44

..I'm really sorry.

0:17:440:17:47

I don't want this to cause any trouble between us.

0:17:470:17:50

I shouldn't have done it

0:17:500:17:51

and I promise it won't happen again.

0:17:510:17:54

Christine, should you no' be getting up the road to that hospital?

0:17:580:18:01

This is important, Eric.

0:18:010:18:03

Pat herself will be very interested to know

0:18:030:18:05

what went on in that cubicle.

0:18:050:18:07

I think she'd rather have some pyjamas.

0:18:070:18:09

Well, you say that, Beth, but these wards are like saunas,

0:18:090:18:13

she'll be fine in her pants.

0:18:130:18:15

-They keeping her in overnight, are they?

-Aye.

0:18:150:18:17

Well, best place for her. She's in safe hands.

0:18:170:18:20

-I mean, thank God for the NHS, eh?

-Aye.

-Oh, yes.

0:18:200:18:24

-BETH:

-We've got Bupa, don't we?

-Oh, aye. I mean, well,

0:18:240:18:26

you canny muck about when it's to do with your health, you know?

0:18:260:18:29

So, er...

0:18:320:18:34

..everything all right?

0:18:340:18:36

-Yeah.

-Fine.

0:18:360:18:38

Sure?

0:18:380:18:40

-Ah...

-You staying for a cup of tea?

0:18:400:18:43

BOTH: OK.

0:18:430:18:45

Anyone else?

0:18:450:18:47

-I'll take a wee glass of wine, Beth.

-I'll have a beer.

0:18:470:18:50

Oh, aye, me an' all!

0:18:500:18:52

Gordon, would you mind, once you've had your cup of tea,

0:18:520:18:56

giving me a run up to the hospital?

0:18:560:18:58

Erm, sure, yeah.

0:18:580:18:59

Pat's been involved in an altercation with a dog

0:18:590:19:02

over a piece of ham.

0:19:020:19:04

I'll fill you in on all the details on the way up.

0:19:040:19:07

So, have you all been out tonight?

0:19:070:19:08

Quiz night.

0:19:080:19:10

Ask him the question, Colin, ask him.

0:19:100:19:12

Right, what is a male fox called?

0:19:120:19:15

GORDON: I know! A dog!

0:19:150:19:17

-What?!

-A dog!

0:19:170:19:19

-COLIN: Can you believe that?

-His general knowledge is amazing.

0:19:190:19:23

I keep telling him he should go on Pointless.

0:19:230:19:24

Aw, Pointless, is that the one with the big streak of pish

0:19:240:19:27

-and the glasses?

-Aye.

0:19:270:19:29

-BETH:

-Aw, I like him.

0:19:290:19:30

Oh, Beth, you've got such shit taste in men.

0:19:300:19:33

I applied to go on a quiz show.

0:19:350:19:37

-Did you?

-Do you remember Wheel of Fortune?

0:19:370:19:41

GORDON: Oh, with the, erm, with the wheel?

0:19:410:19:44

Oh, oh, I loved that!

0:19:440:19:46

Who was the woman who turned the letters?

0:19:460:19:49

-Eh, Carol Smillie.

-Ah, that's it. Carol Smillie.

0:19:490:19:52

I saw her once scraping bird shit off her windscreen

0:19:520:19:55

with a debit card.

0:19:550:19:56

She wasnae too smiley then, I can tell you.

0:19:560:19:58

THEY LAUGH

0:19:580:20:00

Here, Eric, do you ever watch Family Fortunes?

0:20:000:20:02

Och, aye, it's all right.

0:20:020:20:04

SHE MIMICS A BUZZER

0:20:040:20:05

I tell you what, they get some crackers on that.

0:20:050:20:07

SHE MIMICS A BUZZER

0:20:070:20:08

Here, we go, listen to this.

0:20:080:20:10

We said name something beginning with Z

0:20:100:20:15

and this guy's said, wait for it...

0:20:150:20:18

..xylophone! THEY LAUGH

0:20:180:20:20

Here's another one. Name something made of wool.

0:20:210:20:25

Oh, I know, I know. A jumper, a jumper.

0:20:250:20:27

Aye, no, but this guy's said a sheep!

0:20:270:20:29

THEY LAUGH

0:20:290:20:32

CATHY MIMICS A BUZZER

0:20:320:20:34

Have you ever heard anything like it, Eric?

0:20:340:20:37

I mean, that's just the height of stupidity.

0:20:370:20:39

Aw, it can't be easy going on one of those shows.

0:20:390:20:41

Aye, especially if you've only got half a brain.

0:20:410:20:44

It hasnae stopped Vernon Kay.

0:20:440:20:47

Here's another one.

0:20:470:20:48

They were asked to name a bird with a long neck

0:20:480:20:53

and they said...

0:20:530:20:54

..Naomi Campbell.

0:20:540:20:56

THEY LAUGH

0:20:560:21:00

I tell you, see tonight at the quiz, Ian,

0:21:000:21:03

-your mum was a star.

-Aw, was she?

-No, I wasn't.

0:21:030:21:06

-She was.

-Aye, you were.

0:21:060:21:08

You were, Beth! See at the science and nature round.

0:21:080:21:11

Oooh, snakes, Gordon. Sssss.

0:21:110:21:14

Do you know, Ian, that your mum was very nearly a vet's nurse?

0:21:140:21:18

-I didn't know that.

-Aw, you'd have been brilliant at that.

0:21:180:21:20

That's what I said.

0:21:200:21:22

Have you ever seen the cat getting the torch in its ear?

0:21:220:21:25

Do you like cats, Gordon?

0:21:250:21:27

Don't mind them.

0:21:270:21:29

Mmm, each to their own.

0:21:290:21:32

COLIN: Eric, what would you have done

0:21:320:21:35

if you could've done anything in the world?

0:21:350:21:38

Oh, God, now you're asking.

0:21:380:21:40

Er...

0:21:400:21:41

Well, I do remember when I was a wee boy,

0:21:410:21:45

I really wanted to be an astronaut.

0:21:450:21:47

CHRISTINE: Fuck me, the rocket would never have got off the ground.

0:21:470:21:51

-CATHY:

-If I could've been anything at all,

0:21:510:21:54

I would've been a singer!

0:21:540:21:57

Aw, can you sing?

0:21:570:21:59

No.

0:21:590:22:01

-But I tell you what I can do.

-What?

0:22:010:22:03

I can do the crab, can't I, Colin?

0:22:030:22:06

-Eh?

-Cathy...

-You know the thing when I bend backwards

0:22:060:22:08

-and I walk on my hands.

-Oh, aye, aye, aye.

0:22:080:22:11

-Do you want to see?

-Er, no, Cathy!

0:22:110:22:12

Yes. Come on, Colin, move this shit out the way.

0:22:120:22:16

Move the pouffe.

0:22:160:22:18

-Right, that's it.

-CHRISTINE: Mm-hm.

-That's it.

0:22:180:22:21

-COLIN: That's you.

-OK.

0:22:210:22:23

-Get them to count, Col.

-All right.

0:22:250:22:27

-ALL:

-One, two, three...

0:22:270:22:31

THEY CHEER

0:22:310:22:34

-Right, who's next? ERIC:

-Eh?

0:22:370:22:39

-Christine, what's your party piece?

-Oh, she can do magic.

0:22:390:22:42

-Can I?

-Oh, aye, every time you come round here

0:22:420:22:45

all our food and drink disappears.

0:22:450:22:46

THEY LAUGH

0:22:460:22:48

You do yours then, Eric.

0:22:480:22:50

Aw, I know what his is, I've seen it hundreds of times.

0:22:500:22:52

-What is it, Mr Baird?

-The Vanishing Banknote!

0:22:520:22:55

Colin, do you have a tenner upon you?

0:22:550:22:57

Aye, hold on.

0:22:570:22:59

-There you go.

-Thank you.

0:22:590:23:01

Perfectly ordinary £10 note.

0:23:010:23:03

Now, watch carefully.

0:23:030:23:04

Notice how the hand never leaves the wrist.

0:23:050:23:08

-CATHY:

-Aw, get on with it.

0:23:080:23:09

-ERIC:

-Aye, all right. You watchin'?

0:23:090:23:11

THEY GASP

0:23:130:23:14

Aw, that's good, Eric.

0:23:160:23:18

-Eh, how about that?!

-Oh, that's brilliant.

0:23:180:23:20

-CATHY:

-Oh, do it again, do it again!

-ERIC:

-All right.

0:23:200:23:23

Fantastic!

0:23:270:23:29

No' bad, eh?

0:23:290:23:31

Here, Eric, gies my tenner.

0:23:310:23:33

That's why it's called The Vanishing Tenner.

0:23:330:23:34

-IAN LAUGHS

-That's amazing!

0:23:340:23:36

-CHRISTINE:

-Actually, I do have one.

0:23:360:23:39

-What is it?

-It's a tongue twister.

0:23:390:23:41

Oooh. Tongues, Gordon.

0:23:410:23:43

Right.

0:23:430:23:44

Round the ragged rock the ragged rascal ran.

0:23:460:23:50

Aye, but faster than that.

0:23:500:23:52

Ah. Round the ragged rock the ragged rascal ran.

0:23:520:23:55

-Faster.

-Round the ragged rock the ragged rascal ran.

0:23:550:23:58

-Round the ragged rock the ragged rascal ran.

-ERIC: Faster!

0:23:580:24:00

Round the ragged rock the ragged rascal ran. Round the ragged...

0:24:000:24:03

-Faster!

-..ragged rascal ran. Round the ragged rock...

-Christine.

0:24:030:24:05

..ragged rascal ran. Round the ragged rock the ragged rascal ran.

0:24:050:24:07

-Round the ragged rock...

-Christine, stop!

-..the ragged rascal ran.

0:24:070:24:10

Aye, right, you ragged bastard, you better fucking run!

0:24:100:24:13

CHRISTINE LAUGHS

0:24:130:24:15

Colin, you do yours.

0:24:220:24:24

I love this.

0:24:240:24:25

Gordon, wait till you see this, it's unbelievable!

0:24:250:24:27

-Right, let me get set.

-Shhh!

0:24:270:24:30

Yes, Miss Moneypenny.

0:24:330:24:35

CATHY LAUGHS

0:24:350:24:36

Sean Connery, Beth, Sean Connery.

0:24:360:24:38

Yes, Miss Moneypenny.

0:24:380:24:40

Gordon, isn't that unbelievable? It's Sean Connery.

0:24:400:24:44

Say something else.

0:24:440:24:46

Hello, Miss Moneypenny.

0:24:480:24:50

That's shite.

0:24:510:24:52

-Beth, have you got one?

-No.

-ERIC:

-Aye, you have.

0:24:550:24:58

-No, I don't.

-Does she, Eric?

-No!

0:24:580:25:00

Oh, yes, she does! What is it?

0:25:000:25:03

-Go on, Beth, do the thing.

-What thing?

0:25:030:25:05

You know the thing, the noise.

0:25:050:25:07

-IAN: Aw, Mum, do that, it's so funny. GORDON:

-What is it?

0:25:070:25:10

I'm not doing it. It's ridiculous.

0:25:100:25:13

-What noise, Eric?

-Oh, come on Beth, just do it. It's great.

0:25:130:25:16

-It's stupid.

-COLIN: Come on, Beth! IAN: Go on, Mum!

0:25:160:25:19

Go on. Make the noise! Make the noise!

0:25:190:25:22

Meow.

0:25:260:25:28

Meowwwwwww.

0:25:340:25:39

Meowwwwwwww.

0:25:440:25:52

THEY LAUGH

0:25:520:25:55

-Sorry, Beth, it was just...

-All right, all right!

0:26:010:26:05

Ian, what about you?

0:26:050:26:07

He's already done his turn in Amsterdam!

0:26:070:26:10

-Aye!

-Oh!

0:26:100:26:12

-What about you, Flash Gordon?

-Aw, no, I don't really have one.

0:26:120:26:14

Oh, come, on Gordon, you must be able to do something.

0:26:140:26:17

I swear, honestly!

0:26:170:26:18

Would you like me to teach you to do the crab?

0:26:180:26:20

-No.

-CHRISTINE:

-I'd have a go, Cathy,

0:26:200:26:23

but I think my chips would just come straight back up.

0:26:230:26:26

Are you no' very bendy, Gordy?

0:26:260:26:28

What about school? What were you good at at school?

0:26:280:26:32

-Running.

-Oh, my God, do some running!

0:26:320:26:35

Run around the room. In fact, run up the stairs.

0:26:350:26:38

-BETH:

-He's not running up the stairs, Cathy.

0:26:380:26:40

I actually got a bronze medal once for the hurdles.

0:26:400:26:43

-Did you?

-That is amazing!

0:26:430:26:44

-Well, just jump over something, jump over the couch!

-Cathy!

0:26:440:26:48

IAN: Could go outside and do it. Mm?

0:26:490:26:52

Yes!

0:26:520:26:53

-ERIC:

-Oh, now you're talking!

-Come on, let's go.

0:26:530:26:56

I don't, I don't, even know what it is I'm meant to be doing.

0:27:000:27:02

COLIN: Just, just hurdle something.

0:27:020:27:04

Jump over a car!

0:27:040:27:06

A bloody car?!

0:27:060:27:07

I know, the hedge!

0:27:070:27:10

-Can you jump over the hedge?

-Aye!

0:27:100:27:12

Erm...

0:27:120:27:14

Should be able to.

0:27:140:27:15

-Here we go!

-Go on, Gordy! Hedge, hedge, hedge, hedge!

0:27:180:27:21

IAN: Gordon, just be careful, will you?

0:27:210:27:23

-ALL:

-Oh...

0:27:230:27:26

Aww!

0:27:260:27:27

-Come on, son!

-We could've jumped that!

0:27:270:27:29

-CHRISTINE:

-Come on, Gordon. Go on yourself, son, come on!

0:27:290:27:32

That's it, that's it.

0:27:320:27:33

-ALL:

-Oh...

0:27:330:27:34

Oh, my God, there's a fox! Beth!

0:27:340:27:36

-ALL:

-Aww!

0:27:360:27:37

-GORDON:

-Ah!

0:27:370:27:38

Beth, Beth, grab it, let's bring it in.

0:27:380:27:41

-Are you all right?

-Oh, my goodness, Gordon! What have you done?

0:27:410:27:44

Ah, it's my wrist. I've done something to my wrist.

0:27:440:27:47

-Ian, is he all right?

-He's done something to his wrist.

0:27:470:27:50

I can't move my fingers.

0:27:500:27:51

Ach, you'll be fine, he'll be fine!

0:27:510:27:53

-I think he'll need to go up to A&E.

-Well, none of us can take him.

0:27:530:27:56

-ERIC:

-We've had a drink, we cannae drive.

0:27:560:27:58

We'll need to phone an ambulance then.

0:27:580:28:01

-CHRISTINE:

-Ya beauty!

0:28:010:28:02

What?

0:28:020:28:04

Well, he can take up Pat's pyjamas for her.

0:28:040:28:06

I'll get another shot at Beth's chips.

0:28:060:28:10

-GORDON:

-Ah, it's really sore. Ah!

0:28:100:28:12

Aw...

0:28:120:28:13

-FOX GROWLS

-Ow, you sh...!

0:28:130:28:15

# Ow! Hey-hey, pretty baby

0:28:150:28:16

# With your fine old foxy self

0:28:160:28:19

# Hey-hey, pretty baby, with your fine old foxy self

0:28:190:28:24

# I wanna love you, baby

0:28:250:28:26

# Baby, all by myself

0:28:260:28:29

# Ow!

0:28:290:28:30

# Come on, come on, come on and follow me

0:28:300:28:35

# Come on, come on, come on and follow me

0:28:350:28:39

# I wanna love you, baby... #

0:28:390:28:42

Back from a quiz night at the pub, everyone is encouraged to reveal their hidden talents. Cathy is very bendy but Gordon not quite as agile as everyone had hoped.


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