Party Pieces Two Doors Down

This programme contains some strong language.

-Oh, whoa, whoa! Oh, ya! Jeez!

-DOOR CLOSES

There he goes, he's not wasting any time.

"Pssssss.

"Pssssssss!"

Right, Cath, come on, in you go.

CATHY CHUCKLES

Well, that was good fun.

Aye, but what about that crowd in the corner?

I mean, it's a pub quiz, for God's sake,

not the bloody final of Mastermind.

Look, we raised a bit of money.

Exactly, we raised a bit of money, we did a bit for charity,

who cares who won?!

£75 in Debenhams vouchers they walked away with.

You're fucking joking!

Eric, I'm just saying, that mob in the corner.

Aye, who were they?

I think a couple of them were teachers.

Ah, well, they may be brainy but they were very flat-chested.

Right - who's for coffee and who's for tea?

-Coffee.

-Tea.

Large vodka tonic.

MUSIC: S.O.B by Nathaniel Rateliff & The Night Sweats

DOG BARKS

-Oh, thanks, hen.

-Thanks.

Aye, it's right enough - a male fox is a dog.

-Mm-hm.

-Told you!

Unbelievable!

-And what did we put?

-A bull.

How have I gone through life no' knowing that!

A male fox is a dog

and a female fox is a....

-Vixen.

-How do you know that, Beth?

-I just do.

-You knew tonnes of the nature ones.

What was that other one she knew?

Joey, joey!

A baby kangaroo is a joey.

Aw, remember Joey from Friends?

I would still actually shag him, Beth.

How do you know all that, Beth?

I do actually have a brain, you know.

I haven't spent my entire life in here making tea and washing clothes.

-Tell them!

-No.

-What?

-Tell them.

-Tell us what?

When I was younger, I was going to train to be a vet's nurse.

Oh, I thought it was going to be something interesting.

And why did you not do it?

I don't know, I just ended up getting a job,

-and getting married...

-Oh, aye, it's my fault!

Oh, my God, Colin, can you imagine Beth helping the farmer

pull the wee calf out of the cow's bottom?

You could still go to college and do it, Beth.

-Oh, no, no.

-No, she's too old, Colin.

Mature student!

Pound a pint, Beth.

Look, it was a long time ago,

and I'm not about to start any training for a job now.

Quite right, Beth, it's easier just to do nothing.

I tell you what,

I'm a wee bit peckish.

Oh, do you want a biscuit?

No, no, no, no' a biscuit.

I'm not hungry, Beth, I'm just enjoying drinking.

We should've stopped off for something on the way home.

Aye, you're right enough, Eric. Bag of chips, eh?

-Oh, aye.

-Oooh, big, fat salty chips, Eric, hmm?

And a glass of beautiful wine.

What do you take with yours, Eric?

Usually a battered sausage.

He's such a greedy bastard, Beth.

-Anyway...

-Shame we never thought.

Here, I'll tell you what's even better than chippy chips.

What?

Home-made chips.

Oh, Beth!

-No.

-Come on, Beth.

-Home-made chips done in the pan.

-Ooooh.

Forget it!

Home-made chips, served with salt and vinegar,

and a big skoosh of tomato sauce.

No. No way! I am not making chips at this time of night.

Eric, tell them.

Eric?

RADIO PLAYS IN BACKGROUND

KNOCK ON DOOR

-Oh, hullo, Beth, you're in.

-Christine, you all right?

Fine. Well, I'm fine.

-Pat's not.

-What's wrong?

-She got attacked by a dog.

-Oh, my God.

-Her dog, friendly fire.

-What happened?

She was just reaching into her fridge to get a bit

of that smoked ham to tide her over till her dinner

and, next thing she knew, it had sunk its teeth

-into the back of her legs.

-Oh, that's terrible.

Well, she will buy that dear ham, Beth.

Come in, you'd better come in.

I'll not stop long, Beth.

I'm just on my way up to the hospital

with a bag of stuff for her.

I said to her, "Don't you worry, Pat, I am here for you any time,

"day or night, you can count on me, I won't let you down."

SHE SNIFFS

What's that smell?

Are you doing chips?

Where did you say Ian was again?

Amsterdam, for a long weekend.

Och, Amsterdam, that's all drugs and sex shows

and prostitutes there.

We're booked to go in October.

If it's no' one thing, it's another.

Christine!

What are you doing here?

-I'm on my way to the hospital.

-What for?

-Pat's dog's had a go at her.

-Aw, no!

Mmm, went for the back of her leg

and then got a slice of ham off her when she was down.

-Is she all right?

-Not bad. She's had a tetanus

and I'm just taking her up a clean pair of knickers and a tangerine.

What about the dog?

It's in the hut with its teddy.

What are you pair doing here?

Oh, we were away at a quiz night.

-Oh, a quiz night?

-Yes.

Oh, I like a quiz.

-Go on, give us a question.

-Eh?

Ask me a question.

You staying long?

-CATH LAUGHS

-Cheeky bastard.

-So, did youse win?

-We came third.

-Mm.

-What did you get for that?

-A bottle of wine.

-Cheap, horrible red wine.

-Where is it by the way?

I've got it in my bag.

You staying for some chips, Christine?

Oh, mm, I don't know.

I've got to get to Pat at the hospital.

-BETH:

-You're welcome if you want to, Christine?

Mmm...

Right.

OK, then, I'll maybe take a few.

-Right, no bother.

-And a slice of bread.

A slice of bread, right.

In fact, two slices.

Two slices. You mean like a chip butty?

Oh, good idea, Beth. Aye, a chip butty.

Oh, Beth, could you put the fan on?

I don't want to have to wash my hair when I go home.

Here, Christine, if I said to you what is a male fox called,

what would you say?

I'd say what the fuck are you asking me that for?

Naw, it was a question in the quiz!

Oh, I see!

A male fox...

Well, well, I don't...

Is it no' just a fox?

Ah, but is it?

I mean, a female fox is a vixen.

Oh, so it is.

And a male fox...

Oh, I don't know.

Is it a stud?

It's a dog.

-A dog? How is it a dog?

-It just is.

Well, what's a male dog called? And don't say a fucking fox.

Well, a dog would just be a dog.

Fucking foxes going into bins and then running away

when you try to pat them.

-BETH:

-Nearly there, almost done.

Here, Beth, were you at this thing?

They're saying a fox is a...

What is it?

-ERIC:

-A male fox is a dog.

-A dog, aye.

-BETH:

-That's right.

And she should know, she studied to be a vet.

A vet's nurse, Colin. She's not brainy enough to be an actual vet.

I didn't study, I was just interested in it.

Oh, I love animals.

I think you'd be magic at it, Beth, you know, washing their fur

before the operation and getting them shaved and whatnot.

And, like, holding them down when they're angry.

I've seen that. Angry cats not wanting the torch in their ears.

Not just so keen on cats, they can have a temper, the wee shites.

-Right, ask me another one.

-Right.

-Who was the second man on the Moon?

-The second man on the Moon?

-Aye.

Oh, I canny think.

Oh, you'll get it. Just think about it. Who was the first?

-Oh, well, I know that.

-Yeah?

-Of course.

Louis Armstrong.

OK, here we go.

Christine, your chip butty's just coming.

Aw, bless you, Beth.

-I'm sure Pat won't mind me...

-ERIC:

-Lovely.

..getting a wee five minutes with my chips.

Aw, you're not putting mayonnaise in your chips, are you?

That's what the French do, Christine. In't it, Eric?

Aye, that's right, French fries.

Aye, they also shit into a hole in the ground

-but that doesnae make it a good idea.

-Christine...

..French cuisine is some of the best in the world, isn't it, Colin?

That's right.

That Nando's that we went to in Calais, it's the best I've been to.

So, how are you getting up to the hospital, Christine?

Oh, I thought I might just get a taxi, you know?

Well, unless any of you could...

Well, ah, you know, I've had a couple of drinks, so I'm out.

-Naw, listen, I've had a few pints, so...

-I'm pissed.

-..sorry.

-Mm-hm.

Ah!

Hot, hot, hot!

Break it in half, Cathy,

you've got to let the air in at the heart of the chip.

And blow, that's it.

That's it, that's it, blow.

That's it, Eric.

Oh, there you go, Christine. Here's yours coming.

HE MIMICS A FANFARE

-Give it here.

-CHRISTINE LAUGHS

Oh...

Oh, not bad, Beth, not bad.

But you could've snuck a couple of wee ones in at the edge there.

Here, Beth.

I could go a wee slice of bread myself.

Cathy?

No, thanks, I don't eat carbs.

CAR ENGINE RUMBLES OUTSIDE

What's that?

What is it?

Is it the police?

No.

Is that...?

-Is that Ian?

-Eh?

-BETH:

-No, it can't be, he's in Amsterdam.

It is. It's Ian and Gordon.

-ERIC:

-What?

-CHRISTINE:

-It is them.

-Are they coming in?

I don't know what they're doing.

Eric, go out and see what's going on.

-Ian.

-Dad.

-You all right?

-Sorry, did we wake you up?

No, no, no, we were up.

Everything all right?

-You all right, Gordon, son?

-Hello, Mr Baird.

How come you're back?

Och, we just thought we'd get an earlier flight.

-Oh, right.

-Sorta seen everything we wanted to see, hadn't we?

Well, I had.

Right.

Er, do you want to come in?

Your mum's made chips.

DOOR CLOSES

-Oh, hi, Gordon!

-Everything all right?

Aye, fine, fine.

Look at this, Gordon. Bread, butter and chips.

What more could you ask for, eh?

A triple heart bypass?

I hear you've been in Amsterdam.

Two naughty boys in Amsterdam, eh?

Well, one.

Is this you just coming straight from the airport, is it?

Aye, we left our car here, save paying for parking, you know?

Did you smoke cannabis, Gordon?

I smoked it once, it made me want to watch loads of cartoons.

Ah, the old wacky baccy, eh?

They put it in cakes, don't they?

Imagine that, Christine.

Oh, yes, I can.

Folk spiking your Victoria sponge.

One minute it's afternoon tea,

the next you're starring in a snuff movie.

It's only one area that's like that, the city's actually really nice.

Yes, it is, Ian, it is a beautiful place.

Remember I saw that woman with the cock?

You're back a bit early, are you not?

Yeah, we just sort of had enough, didn't we?

Uh-huh.

Can I use your toilet, please?

SHE MOUTHS: What's going on?

BATHROOM DOOR OPENS AND CLOSES

Mm-hm.

Aw, look, Beth's left her chips.

Oh, that's a shame to let them go cold.

Cathy, pass us they chips over, will you?

Look, we had a bit of a disagreement

and we decided that it would be better if we just came home.

-Disagreement about what?

-Ugh, nothing that important.

-Is it drugs?

-No!

-Is it money?

-Did you spend all your money on drugs?

-No!

There's obviously something quite seriously wrong.

Oh, aye.

-You don't spend money on a weekend away and then come home early.

-No.

Although I did when we went to Belfast

and I didn't like the accents.

Maybe they didn't come home out of choice.

-What do you mean?

-Maybe they've been deported.

-What?!

Could be. I mean, we went there with the football,

there was a couple of the boys got put on to the plane back home.

-How, what did they do?

-Nothing.

Shat in the canal.

We went for a night out last night

and Gordon didn't like the place that we went to.

Yeah, but you don't jump on the next plane home just cos of that.

TOILET FLUSHES

All right?

Yeah, fine.

-Ah, are you going to tell me what's going on?

-Nothing.

-Is it drugs?

-No, but if you keep asking that I'm going to need some.

-Well, this place you went to, what went on there?

-Nothing.

It was fine, it was just a bar, wasn't it?

What was it called?

The Hole.

Oh.

Huh.

Remember that time I came home from Guernsey three days early?

Oh, no' this.

I will never, ever set foot in the Channel Islands again.

Or play crazy golf in flip flops.

Shhh!

Cathy, leave them alone. It's none of our business.

Leave them to it. Let them sort it between them.

Mm-hm.

It's quite natural for couples to have wee disagreements

now and again.

No need for us to poke our noses in.

-Should I...?

-Aye, fire in, Cathy, see what the story is.

HE SIGHS

Oh, sorry, I didn't realise you were in here.

I'll just get a glass of water.

It was absolutely disgusting. Honestly, Mrs Baird,

I've never seen anything like it.

It's Amsterdam, what do you expect?

Erm, this'll be fine.

Oh, carry on, I'm not, I'm not listening.

I just thought...

..you might enjoy it.

-Did he take you to a sex show, Gordon?

-Cathy!

-Did he?

-Was there actual penetration?

-No!

It was not a sex show...

-..it was a bar.

-A gay bar?

Yes, a gay bar.

Were there, like, loads of men with their tops off, like,

-rubbing up against each other?

-Cathy!

I'm just trying to visualise it!

You know, did they have like really short hair and great teeth?

Look, I really wanted to go to Amsterdam

and I was happy to go to that bar, I just didn't expect...

I just...

What were you doing in that cubicle?

Boom!

Cathy, why don't we go through to the living room?

Oh, no way!

Cathy, living room, now!

Cathy!

Living room, now!

What's gone on?

It's between Ian and Gordon.

They went to a gay bar and Ian did something in a cubicle.

Oh, dear.

Well, what's wrong with that?

If I was a man, I'd go in to a cubicle

as opposed to standing at a trough with my willy out.

Not that kind of cubicle, Christine!

A booth.

A gay sex booth.

Oh.

Oh, hell.

You ever been to a gay bar, Eric?

Me? No.

-I have. Haven't I, Cathy?

-Yeah.

In London. Fair play to them.

It was actually a very welcoming and friendly place.

There was music on, they had a fruit machine, they even had pints.

-Really, aye?

-Aye, I got talking to this wee Moroccan guy

-wi' a denim jacket on. I had a great night.

-Ah.

-You didn't go to the toilet, though, did you?

-No chance.

I shared a table with a lesbian in Costas, didn't I, Beth?

You did.

Look, I'm sorry.

I should've asked you first, I get it.

I just...

I don't know why you'd even want to do that with someone else.

It was just a bit of fun in a bar,

it's not like I've actually cheated on you.

You had his cock in your hand!

Shhh!

Look...

..I'm really sorry.

I don't want this to cause any trouble between us.

I shouldn't have done it

and I promise it won't happen again.

Christine, should you no' be getting up the road to that hospital?

This is important, Eric.

Pat herself will be very interested to know

what went on in that cubicle.

I think she'd rather have some pyjamas.

Well, you say that, Beth, but these wards are like saunas,

she'll be fine in her pants.

-They keeping her in overnight, are they?

-Aye.

Well, best place for her. She's in safe hands.

-I mean, thank God for the NHS, eh?

-Aye.

-Oh, yes.

-BETH:

-We've got Bupa, don't we?

-Oh, aye. I mean, well,

you canny muck about when it's to do with your health, you know?

So, er...

..everything all right?

-Yeah.

-Fine.

Sure?

-Ah...

-You staying for a cup of tea?

BOTH: OK.

Anyone else?

-I'll take a wee glass of wine, Beth.

-I'll have a beer.

Oh, aye, me an' all!

Gordon, would you mind, once you've had your cup of tea,

giving me a run up to the hospital?

Erm, sure, yeah.

Pat's been involved in an altercation with a dog

over a piece of ham.

I'll fill you in on all the details on the way up.

So, have you all been out tonight?

Quiz night.

Ask him the question, Colin, ask him.

Right, what is a male fox called?

GORDON: I know! A dog!

-What?!

-A dog!

-COLIN: Can you believe that?

-His general knowledge is amazing.

I keep telling him he should go on Pointless.

Aw, Pointless, is that the one with the big streak of pish

-and the glasses?

-Aye.

-BETH:

-Aw, I like him.

Oh, Beth, you've got such shit taste in men.

I applied to go on a quiz show.

-Did you?

-Do you remember Wheel of Fortune?

GORDON: Oh, with the, erm, with the wheel?

Oh, oh, I loved that!

Who was the woman who turned the letters?

-Eh, Carol Smillie.

-Ah, that's it. Carol Smillie.

I saw her once scraping bird shit off her windscreen

with a debit card.

She wasnae too smiley then, I can tell you.

THEY LAUGH

Here, Eric, do you ever watch Family Fortunes?

Och, aye, it's all right.

SHE MIMICS A BUZZER

I tell you what, they get some crackers on that.

SHE MIMICS A BUZZER

Here, we go, listen to this.

We said name something beginning with Z

and this guy's said, wait for it...

..xylophone! THEY LAUGH

Here's another one. Name something made of wool.

Oh, I know, I know. A jumper, a jumper.

Aye, no, but this guy's said a sheep!

THEY LAUGH

CATHY MIMICS A BUZZER

Have you ever heard anything like it, Eric?

I mean, that's just the height of stupidity.

Aw, it can't be easy going on one of those shows.

Aye, especially if you've only got half a brain.

It hasnae stopped Vernon Kay.

Here's another one.

They were asked to name a bird with a long neck

and they said...

..Naomi Campbell.

THEY LAUGH

I tell you, see tonight at the quiz, Ian,

-your mum was a star.

-Aw, was she?

-No, I wasn't.

-She was.

-Aye, you were.

You were, Beth! See at the science and nature round.

Oooh, snakes, Gordon. Sssss.

Do you know, Ian, that your mum was very nearly a vet's nurse?

-I didn't know that.

-Aw, you'd have been brilliant at that.

That's what I said.

Have you ever seen the cat getting the torch in its ear?

Do you like cats, Gordon?

Don't mind them.

Mmm, each to their own.

COLIN: Eric, what would you have done

if you could've done anything in the world?

Oh, God, now you're asking.

Er...

Well, I do remember when I was a wee boy,

I really wanted to be an astronaut.

CHRISTINE: Fuck me, the rocket would never have got off the ground.

-CATHY:

-If I could've been anything at all,

I would've been a singer!

Aw, can you sing?

No.

-But I tell you what I can do.

-What?

I can do the crab, can't I, Colin?

-Eh?

-Cathy...

-You know the thing when I bend backwards

-and I walk on my hands.

-Oh, aye, aye, aye.

-Do you want to see?

-Er, no, Cathy!

Yes. Come on, Colin, move this shit out the way.

Move the pouffe.

-Right, that's it.

-CHRISTINE: Mm-hm.

-That's it.

-COLIN: That's you.

-OK.

-Get them to count, Col.

-All right.

-ALL:

-One, two, three...

THEY CHEER

-Right, who's next? ERIC:

-Eh?

-Christine, what's your party piece?

-Oh, she can do magic.

-Can I?

-Oh, aye, every time you come round here

all our food and drink disappears.

THEY LAUGH

You do yours then, Eric.

Aw, I know what his is, I've seen it hundreds of times.

-What is it, Mr Baird?

-The Vanishing Banknote!

Colin, do you have a tenner upon you?

Aye, hold on.

-There you go.

-Thank you.

Perfectly ordinary £10 note.

Now, watch carefully.

Notice how the hand never leaves the wrist.

-CATHY:

-Aw, get on with it.

-ERIC:

-Aye, all right. You watchin'?

THEY GASP

Aw, that's good, Eric.

-Eh, how about that?!

-Oh, that's brilliant.

-CATHY:

-Oh, do it again, do it again!

-ERIC:

-All right.

Fantastic!

No' bad, eh?

Here, Eric, gies my tenner.

That's why it's called The Vanishing Tenner.

-IAN LAUGHS

-That's amazing!

-CHRISTINE:

-Actually, I do have one.

-What is it?

-It's a tongue twister.

Oooh. Tongues, Gordon.

Right.

Round the ragged rock the ragged rascal ran.

Aye, but faster than that.

Ah. Round the ragged rock the ragged rascal ran.

-Faster.

-Round the ragged rock the ragged rascal ran.

-Round the ragged rock the ragged rascal ran.

-ERIC: Faster!

Round the ragged rock the ragged rascal ran. Round the ragged...

-Faster!

-..ragged rascal ran. Round the ragged rock...

-Christine.

..ragged rascal ran. Round the ragged rock the ragged rascal ran.

-Round the ragged rock...

-Christine, stop!

-..the ragged rascal ran.

Aye, right, you ragged bastard, you better fucking run!

CHRISTINE LAUGHS

Colin, you do yours.

I love this.

Gordon, wait till you see this, it's unbelievable!

-Right, let me get set.

-Shhh!

Yes, Miss Moneypenny.

CATHY LAUGHS

Sean Connery, Beth, Sean Connery.

Yes, Miss Moneypenny.

Gordon, isn't that unbelievable? It's Sean Connery.

Say something else.

Hello, Miss Moneypenny.

That's shite.

-Beth, have you got one?

-No.

-ERIC:

-Aye, you have.

-No, I don't.

-Does she, Eric?

-No!

Oh, yes, she does! What is it?

-Go on, Beth, do the thing.

-What thing?

You know the thing, the noise.

-IAN: Aw, Mum, do that, it's so funny. GORDON:

-What is it?

I'm not doing it. It's ridiculous.

-What noise, Eric?

-Oh, come on Beth, just do it. It's great.

-It's stupid.

-COLIN: Come on, Beth! IAN: Go on, Mum!

Go on. Make the noise! Make the noise!

Meow.

Meowwwwwww.

Meowwwwwwww.

THEY LAUGH

-Sorry, Beth, it was just...

-All right, all right!

Ian, what about you?

He's already done his turn in Amsterdam!

-Aye!

-Oh!

-What about you, Flash Gordon?

-Aw, no, I don't really have one.

Oh, come, on Gordon, you must be able to do something.

I swear, honestly!

Would you like me to teach you to do the crab?

-No.

-CHRISTINE:

-I'd have a go, Cathy,

but I think my chips would just come straight back up.

Are you no' very bendy, Gordy?

What about school? What were you good at at school?

-Running.

-Oh, my God, do some running!

Run around the room. In fact, run up the stairs.

-BETH:

-He's not running up the stairs, Cathy.

I actually got a bronze medal once for the hurdles.

-Did you?

-That is amazing!

-Well, just jump over something, jump over the couch!

-Cathy!

IAN: Could go outside and do it. Mm?

Yes!

-ERIC:

-Oh, now you're talking!

-Come on, let's go.

I don't, I don't, even know what it is I'm meant to be doing.

COLIN: Just, just hurdle something.

Jump over a car!

A bloody car?!

I know, the hedge!

-Can you jump over the hedge?

-Aye!

Erm...

Should be able to.

-Here we go!

-Go on, Gordy! Hedge, hedge, hedge, hedge!

IAN: Gordon, just be careful, will you?

-ALL:

-Oh...

Aww!

-Come on, son!

-We could've jumped that!

-CHRISTINE:

-Come on, Gordon. Go on yourself, son, come on!

That's it, that's it.

-ALL:

-Oh...

Oh, my God, there's a fox! Beth!

-ALL:

-Aww!

-GORDON:

-Ah!

Beth, Beth, grab it, let's bring it in.

-Are you all right?

-Oh, my goodness, Gordon! What have you done?

Ah, it's my wrist. I've done something to my wrist.

-Ian, is he all right?

-He's done something to his wrist.

I can't move my fingers.

Ach, you'll be fine, he'll be fine!

-I think he'll need to go up to A&E.

-Well, none of us can take him.

-ERIC:

-We've had a drink, we cannae drive.

We'll need to phone an ambulance then.

-CHRISTINE:

-Ya beauty!

What?

Well, he can take up Pat's pyjamas for her.

I'll get another shot at Beth's chips.

-GORDON:

-Ah, it's really sore. Ah!

Aw...

-FOX GROWLS

-Ow, you sh...!

# Ow! Hey-hey, pretty baby

# With your fine old foxy self

# Hey-hey, pretty baby, with your fine old foxy self

# I wanna love you, baby

# Baby, all by myself

# Ow!

# Come on, come on, come on and follow me

# Come on, come on, come on and follow me

# I wanna love you, baby... #