Alan and Michelle Two Doors Down

-Oh, hi, Christine.

-I've just spoken to them.

Who?

That young couple that bought Archie's house.

Ah, right, right.

Hm, they were very interested to hear

-a bit of the history of the house.

-The history?

Well, she had no idea

that his body had lain for so long in that living room.

I was saying to her

that maybe we should have a wee get-together at some point.

Oh, aye, that would be nice.

Oh, I told her we'd give her the chance to get in

-and get settled first though.

-Ah, course.

The last thing she's wanting

is a load of folk inviting themselves over

before she's had a chance to get her boxes emptied.

Absolutely.

So I told them to come across here about two o'clock.

What?

Thanks, Beth, you're a star.

Oh, and by the way, that tooth came out,

so don't bother cutting the crusts off mine.

Two o'clock.

This programme contains strong language.

That's no' shut, Alan, you need to bang it.

All right!

You said bang it.

Come on.

So is that woman's house we're going to?

What woman?

Her wi' the joggy bottoms and hair like Rose West.

-No, it's her neighbour.

-Right.

Now, remember, wait until you're offered before you eat anything,

and if there's something you don't like, use a napkin,

don't spit it straight into the bin.

DOORBELL RINGS

-Hi, there.

-Hi, Mrs Baird?

Beth, call me Beth! Are you, um...?

I'm Michelle, pleased to meet you.

Hi, Michelle.

And...?

Alan.

Hi, Alan.

Um, come in, come in!

In you come.

This is my husband, Eric.

-How you doing?

-Hi, there. Michelle.

Pleased to meet you.

Alan.

Um, right, sit down, sit yourselves down.

Take a seat.

No' there! Kidding you on!

Only joking. On you go.

Is he a bit of a joker, is he, Beth?

That's exactly what he is.

We were at a party one night and I sat on a whoopie cushion,

remember that, Michelle?

I do.

She actually thought it was a real fart.

I mean, mine sound nothing like that.

So, Beth, thank you so much for the invite.

That was really nice of you.

Oh, that's OK.

-How are you settling in then?

-Um, we're getting there, Eric.

I mean, that's us all unpacked, the new carpets are down,

and the bathroom's getting tiled at the moment.

Three days in a row, I've had a wash at the sink, haven't I, Michelle?

Uh-huh.

She's using baby wipes.

Well, I'm sure you'll get sorted soon enough.

I hope so!

I says to Alan, "Remind me again why we thought this was a good idea!"

And I says, number one, nice area.

Number two, driveway for the van.

And number three, that place we were in was fucking tiny.

DOORBELL RINGS

Excuse me.

Hi, Christine.

Hello, Beth.

A wee treat for you - banana loaf, Beth.

Oh.

Well, I thought since you were making the sandwiches,

the least I could do is contribute a wee something.

That's very kind of you.

Not at all.

Not at all, Beth.

It was reduced to 19p and its sell-by was last Thursday,

but it'll be fine if it's buttered heavy.

Hello there, again.

-Oh, hi.

-Hi, Christine.

It's Michelle, isn't it?

-That's right.

-And you are...?

Alan.

So you found it all right, then?

Oh, no bother.

Aye, it was basically just straight across the road,

-wasn't it, Michelle?

-It was.

What side is it you're on, Christine?

Oh, wait till I think.

What way am I facing?

It's through that way.

If I'm in my chair facing the window, then she's on my left.

We're on the right, as you're looking at us, Michelle.

Naw, naw, naw, you're wrong.

If they're on the other side of the road looking out,

then your house is on the left and ours is to the right.

You're through that wall.

And you'll be through that fucking windae

if you keep pointing at me like that.

Would you like a tea or a coffee?

I'll take one, Beth.

Alan.

Aye, that would be magic, Beth. Take a tea off you?

How do you like it?

Milk and three sugars.

-Michelle?

-Oh, I won't actually,

I've had a couple of coffees already this morning.

Aw, you're the same as me, Michelle.

If I have more than two, it's like a trap door flying open.

Or a glass of water, a soft drink or something?

No, honestly, I'm fine.

-I'll take a Fanta aff ya, an' all.

-Alan!

So is there much needing done to the place, then, Alan?

It's quite extensive, Eric, er, first things first,

take down that wee porch at the front.

You're what?!

-Aye, Michelle's wanting rid of it, aren't you?

-We don't need it.

You say that, Michelle, but what say maybes you've gone oot

and then you come back and you've stood on a shit or something?

Aye, right enough.

No, look, I just want a proper front door.

So where was it you were before here?

East Kilbride, Eric.

-Oh, right.

-Do you know East Kilbride?

Um, a bit, I mean, not really.

Aye, it's good, aye.

Good place.

Why did you move?

Well, number one...

nice area...

-DOORBELL RINGS

-I'll get it!

-Hey!

-Hi, Colin.

Listen, I'm just heading up the dump. I was wondering

if you had anything you wanted taken up.

Um, no, I don't think so.

Hold on, I'll ask Eric.

And then of course, there was

the septic toe incident in the Algarve, Michelle.

Um, sorry to interrupt.

Eric, Colin's at the door,

and he's going up to the dump and he wants to know...

# Any old iron, any old iron... #

Oh, sorry, I didn't realise you had company.

Wait till you meet this tit, Michelle.

-Hi, Christine.

-Hi, Colin.

Colin, this is Alan and Michelle.

They've just moved in across the road.

Ah. Into old Archie's?

-Yeah.

-Aye, that was terrible him lying all that time in the lounge.

I mean, I saw the cat pawing at the blinds,

-but, no, never for a minute did I...

-Um, Eric, so, anything?

Eh, no, I don't think so.

Right, well, no, thanks, then, Colin.

Are you away up the dump, are you?

Aye, you wanting anything taken up?

No, but I'm looking for a wicker magazine rack.

-Well...

-Is that your wee digger across the road there?

-Aye.

-What are you doing with that?

-Taking down the porch.

-Are you?

Cannae believe it.

Madness!

We can't see the point in it.

Ah, she'll no be saying that

when he trails a big dogshite onto her hall carpet!

Aye, I got it on loan from my work.

What is it you do, Alan?

Tool hire.

Oh, do you?

I tell you what I'm looking for, Alan, a good sharp pair of scissors.

Naw, we don't do scissors.

Aw, see, trying to separate sausages, Michelle.

I hired a tile cutter a couple of year ago.

-Oh, we've got them!

-Have you?

-Aye. I can get you one if you want?

-Naw.

-Fucking sails through the tiles, by the way.

-Alan...

-Honest to God. Like a laser.

-Alan!

No, no, it was, it was last year.

Alan, budge up and give the man a seat.

Colin, just shove him out the road.

Oh, right, OK.

So, whereabouts are you?

-Two doors down.

-That way, Michelle.

We're over there.

Aye. That way.

We've just moved in.

Have youse met Cathy yet?

Who's Cathy?

The wife.

No, we've not met her.

We've really only met Christine this morning when she came over.

I just went across as a courtesy, you know.

And to see if Archie's daughter had taken that big shovel away.

Wait, I'll send her a message, tell her to come in.

Aw, wait, I think I have seen her.

Aye?

-Tall, long hair?

-Aye.

Leather jacket with a big chunky belt?

Aye!

Staggering out of a taxi last night the back of 11?

Aye, that's Cathy! She was away at the yoga.

Oh, I was making tea, wasn't I? Colin, do you want a cup?

Um, Alan, are you having one?

Aye. And a Fanta. I'm having a can of Fanta aff her as well.

You should ask for one. See if she says aye to you as well.

Aye, go on, Beth.

Banana loaf as well.

It's a good big stodgy one, Michelle.

Take more than a couple of coffees to shift it.

Hi. Only me!

Hi, Cathy! How are...

Are they in there?

..you?

Here she is!

Hi! I'm Cathy.

Michelle, pleased to meet you.

Michelle - it's so nice to have a proper woman on the street.

Oh, and this must be...

Alan.

Alan.

Alan.

Alan. Lovely to meet you.

Oh, if I'd known you were doing welcome drinks,

I'd have invited you to ours.

Would you like a cup of tea, Cathy?

Or a wine, Beth, I'm easy.

There's a banana loaf about to make an appearance, Cathy.

Oh, none for me, thanks, Beth.

Are you carb free?

Oh, I try.

I try too, Michelle.

Aye, until she's fucked wi' the drink,

and now she's doon the chippy in her slippers.

Well, Alan's got a sweet tooth, he might have some.

Oh, do you, Alan?

Aye, I can eat three Twixes in a row. Ever do that. Eric?

Eh, no.

I do.

Sometimes I go and park the van somewhere quiet,

turn the engine off and just eat.

They're doing quite a bit of work to the place.

-Are you?

-Yeah.

They're getting rid o' that porch!

We did tons of work to the house when we moved in, didn't we, Col?

Did you?

We had to - it was basically just like this.

Oi - plate!

So what did you have done?

Oh, we have spent a lot of money, Michelle.

Converted the loft, had a new en suite

so I can see what Colin's doing in the shower,

and the kitchen - oh, my God!

You want to see my kitchen, Michelle.

I've got one of those taps with the hose

that you get in restaurants.

Oh, right.

So do you do a lot of cooking?

-No.

-Well, we were thinking about knocking through from the kitchen

to the living room, you know, just to open the place up a wee bit.

-Are you, aye?

-Aye, it means if I'm sitting watching the darts

she can be standing at the cooker still talking to me,

unless somebody's on a finish.

Oh, aye,

You a fan of the darts yourself, Eric?

Oh, aye, well, I don't mind the darts.

But I've no' got Sky, though.

Oh, I have. That's why we got it.

Formula 1 now as well.

-Ooh!

-Our dining room opens on to the living room

which opens onto the decking which is where we've got the hot tub.

Well...

Oh - had a hot tub.

We had to drain it when I saw a bird dipping its head in it.

Have you done anything to this place?

-BETH TUTS

-Um, well...

we got that extra radiator, didn't we?

We did.

Are you sure I cannae tempt you to a wee slice of this, Michelle?

It's fine with a drink of something to wash it over.

No, thanks.

This must just be the same way as ours.

Do you want a look round?

Yeah, that'd be great, thanks.

Give them the grand tour, Beth.

Oh, I like your jeans, missus.

Oh, thanks.

Michelle, could you bring a sheet of kitchen towel back with you,

fucking butter everywhere!

Come on through.

Aww! Eh?

So do youse eat in here or do youse take it through onto your knee?

Um, it depends, really.

We were thinking about having a breakfast bar

as well as an actual dining table.

Ooh!

Telly's going up on a bracket so you can swing it both ways

and still see it.

Sorry, I'm just getting that wine now that I asked you for.

Um, we did think at one point about adding on a conservatory.

We've got one.

We've got a conservatory.

It gets so warm, it's amazing.

I dry all Colin's pants in it.

What happens to your wet pants, Alan? Tumble drier, eh?

Mm, pants off, and into the wash, and into the tumble drier?

There you go, naughty boy, all warm and tight for you.

Anyway, we decided not to in the end.

Eric, did you say it was East Kilbride

they were in before here?

Aye.

Colin - look up sex offenders in East Kilbride on your phone.

Quick.

Seen all you want? Same as yours, right enough, Alan?

Aye, layout's identical - sink, hob, fridge,

only difference is she's got a bog under her stairs,

we've no' got one of them.

We had it put in a couple of years ago.

Did you, aye?

It saves you running up and down the stairs for a piss, dun't it?

Alan.

Yes.

You would love our house, Michelle.

-Wouldn't she, Col?

-Oh, aye, it's a big step up fae this.

You should come over some time.

Aw, that would be lovely, thanks.

Come and have a look now if you want.

-Eh?

-Come and have a look now.

-No. You're fine.

-Come on.

-No, honestly.

-Come on!

-No, honestly!

-Come now, Michelle!

-All right!

-Beth?

-What?

You come too, in case anything needs tidied.

I think you're right about the porch, Michelle, I hate them too.

-So where do you put your shoes and stuff?

-Hm?

Like, do you just take them off in the hallway?

I don't know what happens to them, Michelle.

Ooh! Oh, I like that wallpaper.

Oh, thanks!

I took a lot of my inspiration for this room from a hotel

that Colin and I stayed in in Dubai.

-Have you been to Dubai, Michelle?

-I have.

Beth - you've not been, have you?

No.

See.

Have a look around, get a feel for the space,

oh, smell the leather couch.

Here, is it no' about time we got the beers on the go?

-Eh?

-Oh, come on - there's Alan just moved in

and he's not had a beer yet.

Alan, you fancy a beer?

Aye.

Good man, Alan.

All the lads together having a swally.

-You got a Foster's, Eric?

-Wait and I'll see what I've got.

So, do you go up to the dump a lot?

Aye, quite a bit, Alan.

You'll need to tell me where it is.

Pat over the back took the base of a single bed up there on a bus.

That's where the van comes in handy.

Taking stuff to places.

Mm, have you met Pat yet, Alan?

Naw, I don't think so.

Aw, you'd know her if you saw her - a wee bit stooped,

looks like she's hunting for coins.

There you go.

There you go, Alan, do you want a glass with that?

Naw.

Right, here we go - first of the day!

Oof, it's nice and cold, thank you, Eric.

Right, well, cheers, Alan.

-Cheers, son.

-Cheers!

Oh!

Ah!

Oh!

Aw.

So are you doing most of the work yourself then, Alan?

I am, aye.

Except the plumbing stuff.

I says to Michelle, "I'm no' doing anything

"where I might get shite on me."

Well, listen, anything you need, just give us a shout.

And I'll send Eric straight over to you.

Oh, I tell you, it used to be when you moved in somewhere,

all the neighbours would muck in

and help you do the place up, remember that?

Aye, you're right, Eric.

When I lived in Johnstone, there was a man in the street

and he came in and wallpapered my hall for no money whatsoever.

Ah, that's the community spirit, eh?

Aye.

Aye. Took over a week to do it and he cleaned me out of Nescafe.

Never again.

Big double fridge, Michelle.

Oh, I like that.

And, of course, the wonderful island in the middle here.

Oh, I would love one of them.

Aren't they great? Look, I can walk right round it.

MICHELLE LAUGHS Ooh!

Oh - look at that hob!

Look at the size of that gas ring in the middle.

Isn't that amazing?

It'd be great for doing a stir fry.

Or just for lighting cigarettes.

It is absolutely spotless.

Oh, that's Colin.

Does he do it all, does he?

Yeah, he texts the cleaner every week.

If you want, Michelle, I can look out the brochures that we used.

Oh, what, for this?

Yes.

Aw, Cathy that is so sweet of you,

but I think we'll probably just go for something a bit more practical.

This is practical.

Oh, no, I didn't mean it like that.

This is practical - I can get crushed ice out of that.

Cathy, no.

And there's a fan as well, somewhere.

Maybe we should go back...

Yes, that's a good idea, Beth.

I would show Michelle my toilet - you'd love that, Michelle,

it's really practical - you can shit in it and then flush it away.

Are you doing anything to the upstairs?

Old Archie that had it, he was never upstairs -

he had his commode and his basin in his living room.

There's Artex on the ceiling in the bedroom that Michelle wants rid of.

Aw, that can be a bugger to get rid of.

I've got a mate that's a plasterer -

I got him to come out and have a look at it.

Oh, aye, and what did he think?

He thought it looked fucking horrible as well.

It'll be worth it when you get it all looking the way you want it.

Oh, aye.

I'm actually turning the back bedroom into a nursery.

-Aw, are you?

-Ah, I said to Beth it won't be long

before she's dragging a pushchair up that driveway.

So is she up the duff just now, is she?

Well, we're trying.

Aw, that's the best bit, Alan, plenty of it.

Enjoy it while it lasts, eh, Eric?

Oh, aye.

I thought I saw a new mattress getting delivered.

That'll be taking a hammering, will it no', Alan?

That's great, Alan - be nice to have more kids on the street.

Our Ian's grown up and away living in a flat now.

With a man.

Here, you must be knackered, all this work

and then you've to get your sleeves rolled up at night as well.

Aye, Michelle's got a thing on her phone that pings

and tells her when's the best time to get rode.

Here, Eric, we'll need to listen for that.

Hey!

Aw, here she is, how did you get on?

-Aye, fine.

-Did you have a go on that big leather couch?

Tell you, see that with a pair of crimplene slacks -

you're sliding about like It's A Knockout.

Well, I was going to ask if anyone wanted another cup of tea

but I can see you've already...

Well, we just wanted to give Alan a proper welcome.

Here, Alan, son, watch this.

Wait, wait.

HE BURPS QUIETLY

THEY LAUGH

Thank you!

Wait, wait, wait, wait.

HE BURPS LOUDLY

MICHELLE LAUGHS

CHRISTINE LAUGHS SARCASTICALLY

Michelle, would you like a drink?

I'm having a beer.

That's a beer, a tea and a Fanta I've had aff her.

Good man, Alan!

Well, I'd maybe take a wee glass of wine.

Wine for Michelle, Beth!

-She's a fucking cow.

-What?!

She is trouble.

I am telling you.

Oh, Cathy, don't start.

I say to her her jeans are nice, what do I get back?

-IMITATES:

-"Aw, thank you."

Cathy.

I mention Dubai so I can tell her things, she says she's already been.

And then I invite her into my house,

I walk around my island

and, like, switch lights on and off

all for her, so she can say she prefers it in here!

I mean, come on!

Oh, for goodness' sake.

I know exactly what she's up to.

I've met women like that before -

I've been on nights out with cabin crew.

She's just moved in! She seems like a very nice girl.

-And she's only been here two minutes...

-Aw.

..so go easy!

I'm warning you!

Oh, here, Alan, we've had some laughs in this street,

-have we no', Eric?

-Have we?

Remember the time that you fell on the ice?

Oh!

-THEY LAUGH

-Oh, I remember that.

Here, here, what about that time you locked yourself out your house?

THEY LAUGH

Oh, yeah!

No, no, no, no, remember that time that your ceiling came in?

THEY LAUGH

What's fucking funny about that?

The best, I'll tell you the best,

right, remember that time

you had the flat battery and I came out with the jump leads.

Eric, Eric, Eric, shh,

Michelle's not interested in our boring stories, are you, Michelle?

What happened, Eric?

Well, I said to Beth to park our car next to his,

so she reversed up to his bonnet.

So our boot was next to his bonnet.

And no' as it should have been, bonnet to bonnet.

Well, I wasn't thinking.

Unbelievable.

-Honestly. You want to have seen it!

-What a dozy cow!

Youse'll love it here.

Yes, you'll be very happy.

I tell you what - it's a brilliant place to bring up a wee baby.

Sorry?

Well, Alan and Michelle are trying for a baby, aren't youse?

-Well...

-Are you?!

Aye, she's got a thing on her phone that pings

when it's time for her to get pumped.

What are you doing talking about this?

Aw, we're just chatting...

Well, I think it's lovely, Michelle. Isn't it nice, Eric?

It'll be great to have kids on the street.

That's what I said.

I've got a granddaughter myself, Michelle,

she's living in council accommodation in North Wales.

What happened to the twins that were in that bungalow on the corner?

Fostered out.

Well, it's early days at the moment,

so let's just see what happens, eh?

Here's hoping!

Oh, oh, oh, oh, I think I should take that, Michelle.

Cathy!

No vino for the bambino.

See, if you do run into any trouble,

and you need to get your sperm checked, Alan,

there's a place I went that I'd highly recommend

cos their selection of magazines was, well, was superb.

You know I was done in just under, what, four minutes?

If you're looking for a baby-sitter, Michelle,

my good friend Pat over the back has recently switched to the vaping.

Well, we've got plenty to be getting on with,

with all the stuff needing done to the house, so...

We were just saying, Beth,

how everyone used to muck in and help with the old DIY.

That's right.

Ah, that's kind, but I think we'll be fine.

Awww. Are you sure, Michelle?

-Yeah.

-We can help.

No, honestly.

Cathy, she's fine.

Aw, poor Michelle, so much to do, unpacking boxes,

knocking down porches, lying on your back when your phone pings.

SHOUTS: Cathy!

I don't want your help.

No, no, no, I insist.

In fact, why don't we make a start on things right now.

Cathy!

Where's she going?

MACHINE BEEPS

What on earth?!

What's she doing?

No, no, Cathy! Cathy, stop!!

SHE LAUGHS

I'm actually going up the dump if you're needing anything shifted.

Just a thought.

SHE LAUGHS

# I'm gonna roll out the welcome mat for you

# Put on my Sunday best for you

# Cook up a great big stew for you

# That's what I'm gonna do

# For you, I'm gonna roll out the welcome mat for you

# Now that's what I'm gonna do

# For you!

# That's what I'm gonna do For you! #