Heart to Heart Whatever Happened to the Likely Lads?

# What happened to you?

# Whatever happened to me?

# What became of the people

# We used to be?

# Tomorrow's almost over

# Today went by so fast

# Is the only thing to look forward to

# The past? #

There you are, Ken. Cheers.

Hello, Terry! All right, Jack, Gloria?

Just a half, please. Where HAVE you been, pet? Around.

Not round here. We wondered if we'd get a holiday this year

There are other things in life than drinking every night. A half, eh?

I hear Bob's back. He'll be in soon. Was it a nice honeymoon? Apparently.

Went skiing, didn't he?

Apparently!

Hello, Bob! Nice time, was it?

I did not do this skiing.

Well...we won't ask you HOW you did it, then, eh?

I did it on the aeroplane steps Going out there, or coming back

Coming back. I felt giddy from the turbulence. The honeymoon itself was perfect. A pint, please.

Terry? No, I'm fine. What's the matter with him? We're glad to see YOU back.

So are the brewery shareholders He hasn't been in much. Not been well, petal?

Maybe he's in love. I do not spend all my life in pubs.

You do - when they're open! There. Lovely.

Get yourself one, and Gloria. Thanks!

Welcome back!

Have you been to the hospital? Yep! l

I have to keep it on another week. Does it hurt? No, it itches.

What's written on it? My secretary did that - she wrote me a footnote!

What's it say? It's in SHORTFOOT! God, they're coming out tonight

Actually, I think she fancies me. Who? Wendy, this secretary at work.

Cos she wrote on your foot?! You should read it. She's a sexy thing.

She's only 18, but she always comes and sits on the corner of my desk.

She leans across, so my right arm feels the swell of her left breast.

All right, all right, all right Wait till the office party!

Look, Bob...

We've got a new invoice clerk. Ooh, she IS naughty! She's got a naughty little mouth! What did she write?

"Come to the stationery cupboard when the rest leave." Did you? No. Good, you're a married man

Someone had locked it. I had no key. I said, you're a married man!

I know, but married men are more attractive to women.

Take April, on the switchboard Oh, my God!

April was always aloof with me polite, but offhand.

Today she gave off VERY warm vibrations. Was she near the radiator?

She comes into my office and she's all smiling and pouting - you know.

Don't do that Bob, please! Not when you sit with me!

She was glad to see me back. Showed her yer back, did you(?

I'm saying how attractive you are once you're married. She missed me.

She asked how my leg was. When I said it was itchy, she poked her knitting needle down my plaster.

Amazing! Overnight you've become a typical married man. You only just had your honeymoon!

The spare in the hotel! What hotel?

On the honeymoon, man! If I hadn't been married...oh-ho!

You wouldn't have been on honeymoon...oh-ho!

One in particular made Thelma quite jealous. She was called Morag, a science teacher from Dumfries.

Your change, pet. Thanks.

Ooh, you DO suit that tan, Bob Thank you, pet!

Did you see that? What? The look she gave me. Just what I said. Pah!

You left as Robert Ferris. Now you act like Robert Redford

Well, more Burt Reynolds. So Maureen said.

Who on earth is Maureen?

The girl at the garage. I didn't get four gallons, but she gave me quad stamps!

You'd like her - greasy white overalls. What d'you mean

Well, you go for women in uniform.

Well, yeah, I suppose so - except the Salvation Army.

Even then, some young tambourine players HAVE given me the shakes!

You should've seen the stewardess on the plane! Don't! Stewardesses, oh!

I love those shiny stockings that rustle when they rub together.

SHE fancied me. Come on, not again!

It's true! There's no denying it! She gave me two dinners. And shoved you down the aeroplane steps

Sup up. Let's get down the Fat Ox, or there's music at the Wheatsheaf.

There'll be a lot of naughty there! Control yourself! Why weren't you like this BEFORE you were married?

Why do you act NOW like the mate I needed when I came out the army?

Was I...was I very boring as a fiance? The northeast champion.

Sorry. Ah, well, it's life's bitter irony. We'll make up for it tonight!

Er...no, er...I can't tonight, Bob.

Pardon? Well, I've got something on.

Got what on? Put it off! I can't. You knew I was coming out tonight!

I told you this was lads' night out. I told you Thelma had needlepoint.

I can't ALWAYS fit in with Thelma's sewing. I'm meeting somebody. Who? TERRY MUMBLES

Pardon? Just a girl! Well, who? Just somebody I know

Do I know her? (Yes.) Pardon? YES!

Well, who? Just...someone. Haven't I a right to know who you put above me and the Fat Ox

God knows you did it enough to me!

How many bars have you left me in while you went to wallpaper Thelma?

All right! Own back, own back how childish! That's as may be

You're leaving me, in other words. In other words, yes.

You don't HAVE to say who she is. OK, I won't. Not my business. Your affair.

I only asked you to be my best man.

Look, I must go! Well, who is she?

Susan. Susan?! Thelma's sister - Susan!

Where are you seeing her? Her place. But her mum hates you!

She's at Weightwatchers. Any more questions?

Yes. What am I going to do? No problem! You've mentioned half a dozen admirers since you sat down.

Show 'em your tan. Or go to Weightwatchers. Work off the airline dinners.

Are those ski instructors all they're meant to be?

One was very dishy. Bob got jealous, stuck on the nursery slopes, while Sven and I - that's his name, Sven...

Sven?! ..did things on the slalom.

What things? Going in and out of sticks.

Do you remember when we went to Alassio together? Oh! You'd finished with Bob forever!

The Italians! You couldn't walk down the street. We so wanted continental lovers

Well, I did meet Giorgio. The waiter from Blackburn? His father was from Italy!

SLURS: Let's have another carafino!

Alan - he was yours, Alan. Poor Alan. He said it was bad for his health cos I wouldn't let him.

Giorgio said it was bad for his image.

But one warm, starry night, he said he'd love me forever.

Didn't improve his health - he got a cold the next day!

What did you get up to while we were away?

Thelma! You sound like a big sister. You ARE engaged to Peter. Peter's in Canada.

Out of sight, out of mind! Oh, shut up! Look, I must go.

What? I must get the car back. Mum's off to Weightwatchers.

Come on, who is he? Somebody I like a lot.

You don't HAVE to tell me. I won t. I thought we'd natter. Bob'll be in late.

I can't! I'm seeing HIM!

I'll ring you tomorrow! All right.

Oh.

Not another evening of Sacha Distel!

DOOR SLAMS

Hello, darling! Hello.

Why are you home? It's my home I live here, don't I? Of course! Thought you'd be pleased to see me.

Well, I am, but isn't it boys' night out?

No, no, no, just a swift half! Oh. No - I didn't want you to be alone.

You are sweet! There's nothing to eat but a tin of ravioli. Shall we go for a curry?

I want to stay in. What's on the box?

Sacha Distel. Let's have a curry!

That's the Common Market - boring continentals, French singers, Dutch jugglers and German comedians.

No, you couldn't have a German comedian.

What's up? Why are you in a bad mood? It's my foot. What did they say at the hospital?

I might have to keep it on - indefinitely.

I'm glad you're home. I WAS going to chat to Susan, but she's got a date.

Do you know who with? She didn't say.

I'm not surprised. She's seeing Terry!

Well! How long's this been going on?

While we were away, and they were getting our house together,

they got themselves together, in this room, on that sofa!

But it's serious! She said, "It's someone I like very much.

It IS possible to like Terry very much. I used to.

Do you like him seeing Susan? I don't give a... Doesn't worry me!

He can go out with your mother, for all I care! But Susan's engaged, and Terry's married.

He's separated! It's his business if he wants to go out with Susan!

Instead of with you, is that it Pardon?

You're home because Terry stood you up!

Do we want a curry or not? That's why you're in a mood.

I'm in a mood because of my leg Would YOU like to lug that round?

What's that writing? Nothing. Someone at work.

That's disgusting! And who's Wendy?

DOORBELL CHIMES

Sorry to wake you. It's all right. Come in.

I'll put some heat on. Where've you been? Round Susan's.

How did you get here? I walked

It's more than three miles! I know, but I fancied a walk, and a think.

Oh...

Er, do you want a drink? No, thanks, mate.

How's the Wheatsheaf? We didn't go! What did you eat? Sorry, is it that bad?

It would destroy all known germs!

We went for a curry.

Won't you have a drink? I fancy one. Go on, then. Good lad!

I've got some scotch.

Pssst!

THEY MOUTH

Here we are.

Duty free! Sorry if I woke you, kidda.

That's all right. We weren't asleep. You weren't...?

No, no, no.

Not on top of curry!

Say when. Thanks.

I see you cleaned your plaster up. Oh, that... Yeah.

Do you want anything in it? No.

Cheers! Aye, cheers.

Didn't it turn chilly tonight? Eh?

Yes, the wind goes right through you.

Still, it's only to be expected We can't complain.

It HAS been very mild. Ooh, yes, yes.

We went to the Star Of India It's very reasonable. Yeah, I know.

I had chicken biryani. Oh.

Thelma had lamb vindaloo.

While you were away, Susan and I went there once.

Oh.

What did YOU have?

Steak and chips. I can't bear curry.

How is Susan? Well, that's why I called round - Susan.

I wanted to have a talk. Sometimes you've got to have a talk.

Sure, sure.

You know I'm not the sort who gets involved, or gets serious,

but while you were away, Susan and me were round here a lot.

She'd be hanging up curtains, and I'd be doing your light fittings...

It fell off! What?

Er...

The new light fitting... that you put up - it fell off.

Has that any relevance to what I'm trying to say?

No, no, I'm sorry. Please go on

I'm sorry. Well, it's just that ..

I enjoyed being the new couple at number eight.

I can't make my mind up about it.

Is it due to Susan, or the house?

I just feel at this stage I'm missing out on something.

How does Susan feel? She doesn t know. She's just as confused as me.

She goes back on Sunday. That's the point.

AND she's engaged. I know that! That's another thing!

I mean...she says that through me

she's discovering her real feelings about HIM.

I can see... Oh, Bob! Do you mind being sympathetic from a distance?

Sorry, sorry! I can see that, but...

Well, this feeling - what you're on about -

perhaps it's because Thelma and I have got all this. I know that, Bob.

Everything that you've got - your house and marriage,

your job, your car, your neighbours,

your badminton club - I despise it all, I hate it!

Only these last few days I've hated it less - and, Bob, it worries me!

I...I can see that.

I can see...

Ha!

Ironic, isn't it? What a turnaround!

I want to talk about domesticity, while you want to rave off down the Wheatsheaf looking for naughty.

Keep your voice down! I'm sorry

She came on an excursion ticket you know. Who?

Susan, from Canada.

What about it? If she doesn't go back on Sunday,

she loses it, and has to pay extra.

Why do you go on about these boring irrelevancies? What's the price of a ticket got to do with my turmoil?

Are you in a turmoil? Of course I am!

All I've eaten today is a packet of crisps!

Would you like a tin of ravioli? No, thanks. That is not the answer. Has it helped?

Our little talk. D'you feel better? Oh!

You've been a tower of strength !) Well, sorry! It's not your fault. You've got to make your own mind up.

I just wanted to talk... I'd better go.

No - stay the night. Stay here

Must go. I'll get Thelma to run you home

No, thanks, Bob. I'd rather walk.

Well, thanks for being so, er..

Well, thanks.

Thelma, you have no idea! The things he told me!

What's this about "naughty down the Wheatsheaf"?

Anyone for more trifle?

I couldn't, Mrs Chambers, but it WAS lovely!

I might find room for some cheese.

I thought you were cutting down! I am, from tomorrow.

You can't diet at Sunday lunch Someone took a lot of trouble.

Nobody else? No, thanks. No, thanks, Mum.

You've hardly eaten, Susan! It's lovely. I'm not a big eater.

You used to be! I hope you're eating the right sort of food in Canada.

You must get your vitamins. There's tons of vitamins in Canada!

What's that mean? Canada's a fertile, productive country.

It's very rich in resources - the prairies, the great lakes..

They say you haven't lived unless you've seen the snow-capped Rockies at dawn. It must be wonderful

I've always had a desire to see the great outdoors, those frozen wastes.

Try Hartlepool in February!

Is he being rude? Mum! When have you ever wanted to see the great outdoors?

All my life. Your father stops me. He'll hardly go to Scarborough on a day trip!

Saskatchewan!

Well, what about Saskatchewan?

It's in Canada. Susan says Canada isn't so marvellous - same as here but with central heating.

How can it be the same as here

It stretches from the icy wastes of the Arctic to the borders of the US.

Don't judge it on its size! Most of it is snow and ice and Eskimos.

Nonsense! Canada is rich in minerals, forests, water power and fertile plains.

Did you get O-level Geography? Aye, and a prize at speech day.

Did you, Bobbie? Yes, Mrs Chambers. It was given by the Lord Provost - Harmsworth's Atlas of the World

He's quoted it parrot-fashion ever since.

Susan says the cities are boring. Quebec's nice.

Northern Quebec has severe winters. Bob! In the south it's less severe.

Bob! Shut...up! Anyway...

we'll see Canada ourselves, when we visit you, when you're married.

Maybe I won't be there. What do you mean?

I've been there five years. Maybe that's enough. But you've loved it!

You said so in your letters! Besides, it's a land of opportunity. Like Bob says, it's rich in...

Minerals, forests and water power. Exactly!

It's where your fiance is, or have you forgotten Peter?

His picture is by your bedside

He's struggled to become an accountant,

to give you a rich future in this brave new world!

All right, Mum! Let's forget it Very well.

I'm going to wash up. You go and get packed.

I don't go till tomorrow! Fancy a walk, Susan, a bit of air? Good idea!

A walk?! To work off some of the trifle

You hardly ate it! They want a walk. But the football's on! You can t go out with the football on?

Bob! They want to go for a walk!

Who? It's raining. You should be packing, and I've put the kettle on.

Come on. We won't be long.

Oh!

I get it, I get it!

Quick as a flash!

Something's going on, and you did nothing!

Me?! Bob, what's WRONG with you? You're driving us all mad!

What have I said now?!

What have I said now?! You know your sister! The trouble we had with her!

We spent money on boarding school, and she comes home for the holidays,

and runs off with a boy who minds donkeys in Whitley Bay!

Mum, she was 13, and you know how she liked riding!

What about the one in the pop group, the drummer with dirty fingernails?

Even your father wouldn't have him round the house!

Look, I did much worse things!

But you always knew when to say no!

That's true!

Susan is a grown woman. It's her life. Let her live it.

She says she'll leave Canada, and five years is enough. What am I to think?

She probably meant her and Peter are moving on. He's mentioned California.

California? Its great mountains, deserts and valleys stretch from the blue...

Shut up!

Well - things have to be said.

Yes. Things we can't say in front of your mother. You got her worried.

Still, she's right about Canada There's nothing here to compare with that.

Seeing the Tyne at dawn should help you appreciate the Rockies

It's a land of opportunity - as we know from Ferris, the human atlas.

Are you encouraging me to go back? I'm stating facts.

It depends what you think your future is. It won't be a glowing, golden one here.

I AM going back.

You're the one that made going away a problem, and clouded the issue.

The issue's clear now, is it? I think so.

I've had a lovely two weeks, honestly...

..but I'm going back.

Why are you smiling? I suppose you call that being let off the hook!

I had a lovely two weeks, but I'm glad you're going back

Oh, Terry! I'm so relieved...that you don't think I'm right for you!

I'm relieved you don't think I'm right for YOU! Let's tell your mother the good news.

We might not make it that easy for her.

Come on!

They're back! They're back!

She looks happy enough! Well, it's her decision.

If she loses that excursion, she won't get a refund! She won't! Shh!

Mother, keep calm. I'm perfectly calm.

Oh! You're just in time for tea

Thelma, Mother...

Mrs Chambers, you are probably aware that Susan and I have been...

For the last two weeks, we've er...

Yes, you've made it perfectly clear.

Yes, well, we've come to a mutual decision.

Susan'll go back to Canada tomorrow.

Ah! It's all for the best, kidda.

I'm sure it's the right decision!

But only on one condition!

Peter must agree to bring up Terry's baby as his own!

You got 'em in - good lad! Cheers! I thought you'd have had that off! It comes off tomorrow. See that

The girl who cleans the telephones.

She has a charming turn of phrase!

I'll wipe it off before I go home. Thelma had a postcard from Susan today. Oh, aye?

It was a picture of a mountie She had a pleasant flight and hoped her mother recovered from that joke.

I've only just recovered myself

It'll hurt for a while, but that's only to be expected

Well, keep your weight off it for a few days! Pardon?

If it hurts, keep your weight off it!

Oh, no, no!

I was referring...to your hurt to Susan. I'm not hurt over Susan, you sentimental old... Not at all?!

Well, saying goodbye wasn't easy, and we were both a bit choked, but as I walked back,

I knew I had to get her out of my system. Time's a great healer.

Didn't take me long - I pulled the girl at the check-in.

You didn't?! Electric stockings and all!

You...! Susan wasn't even airborne!

I had to bounce back like a trapeze artist. I had to get back up there.

A stewardess! I'm seeing her in ten minutes, so I can't stop

What? This was OUR night out! I can't pass it up. She's in Hanover tomorrow.

You're leaving me, in other words? Yes! You ARE a selfish little so-and so!

I enjoy our nights out! It's the second time in two weeks!

What am I going to do? With half the office drooling over you? Ring up Maureen or Wendy!

Or go and see April, and get your leg scratched!

Or you COULD just go home to your wife!

Intelfax Subtitles by Julia Watts for BBC Subtitling, 1995