The Ant and the Grasshopper Whatever Happened to the Likely Lads?

# Oh, what happened to you?

# Whatever happened to me?

# What became of the people we used to be?

# Tomorrow's almost over

# Today went by so fast

# Is the only thing to look forward to...

# The past? #

CAR RADIO: 'If you've just joined us, the time is half past eight.'

I can't sleep through this bloody row! What time do you call this

Morning, Mr Ferris.

Ah, tea. Thanks.

I'm ready for this.

RADIO: 'You're listening to BBC Radio Newcastle.

'The time now, exactly ten-thirty.'

MUFFLED BINGO CALLING

You're late. What? You're late

Only by three minutes.

Twelve-thirty. You're the stickler for punctuality. So I'm late.

Yes, Bob? A pint...no, a lager

You're OK? No, no. I'll have a pint.

Oh, a pint, and a roast-beef sandwich with lots of chutney, and a pickled onion.

Will you go home to lunch? Not yet.

I'll have a pastie... a cheese sandwich and a Scotch egg.

Is that all(?) Sausages? Aye. Two with mustard. OK.

My round? It'd be different if you were on time.

It'd be the same, only three minutes earlier.

Why are you late? Stop going on I work, you know, for a living

It's me lunch hour. Ten minutes for lunch and 50 for indigestion.

It's the pickled onions. I'll have yours. I'll get an ulcer.

I've been out all morning. I've got to go to the office,

load the car with theodolites drive up the A1, survey a new site,

then I'm taking Thelma to dinner.

You'll give yourself an ulcer 30 miles up the A1. It's bitter out.

Coming over from the billiard hall that wind went right through me.

Poor you(!) I'm out all day on some freezing barren site.

Get that down you, Nanook of the North.

And pay for it. No, my round. Never let it be said...

It's my fiver. I'm only borrowing it so I can get me round.

How much is that, Gloria? That's 82p. That's 82p I owe you.

Well, cheers. These sausages look good.

It's bad for you - rushed meals I'm in no rush.

You've got nothing to do till the first racing results come in.

Right, ?4.18. I'll take that, love.

My change! We might as well make it a round figure. I owe you a fiver.

What about the two quid you borrowed last Tuesday?

Oh, I see. I see. It's like that, is it?

Like what? You borrowed two quid. It's not unreasonable to ask for it back.

Have I ever NOT paid you back? Have I EVER not paid you back?

You never do! You give me three quid and borrow four. It's a permanent overdraft.

That's ?2 I owe you.

Seven. Seven?!

That fiver.

Good God, man! You don't want it back already, do you?

I only mentioned it. Here! Here

There! Where did you get that?

It's mine! I won it at billiards. I beat Tommy - three straight frames.

Why did you borrow a fiver off me?

You try buying new shoes these days under a fiver. Howay, man.

I'm sorry. I'm just a bit short You've still got that fiver.

Not now I haven't, after that round. I'll pay. What was it?

A pound, near as dammit. Here.

Take it off the ?2. That's ?1 I owe you.

Is it?

Right.

You're buying new shoes, are you?

Well, I was. Not now, obviously What do you want new shoes for

I need something decent to wear respectable - to go for job interviews in.

Something to keep the wet out.

Here. No, I couldn't. Not if you're short.

I can't see you without soles to your feet. Go on.

Just till Friday. That's a fiver I owe you. Six.

Yes, six. Till Friday. Fancy a short?

Not with that drive. Yes, you can't be too careful.

Back to the billiards? Till four, then the pictures. What's on?

No idea, I just fancy the usherette.

It's good in the afternoon. It s warm and comfortable and you come out in time for the racing results.

What a life! I never stop. I was up till one last night...studying.

Studying what? For night school. I've got exams.

That's your own rotten fault.

Some of us need qualifications to pay for mortgages, to give Thelma a future,

to support shoeless ex-servicemen.

You'll get an ulcer the way you're going.

Perhaps I shouldn't drink lager. It's the worry. I've seen it before.

Ulcers at 30, coronary at 40. The future Thelma can look forward to is your life insurance coughing up.

What will you leave your wife, eh? IOUs, torn betting slips and stubs from the Odeon?

I shall outlive you because I have dropped out of the rat race.

You what? You what? You were never in it, you!

On the dole, no attempt to look for a job.

There's nothing wrong with my life.

You'd rather go to the pictures than to some freezing moor to stick up your theodolite.

Terry, I haven't said this for a while

Said what? What I'm about to say.

It's been a while. Right. Go on, then.

I've forgotten what I was going to say. Where was I

It's a while ago.

Oh, yeah. Speaking as someone whose opinion I hope you respect,

it's time you got your thinking cap on,

time you found a job or made an attempt to look for one.

I offered you a job. You're too proud, I understand But since you came out the army ..

The army took a lot out of me, as well you know.

Five years I did. The state owes a man something after five years.

How long d'you need? You can't spend all day at the bookies or in a musty cinema or...

Playing snooker... Playing snooker. ..or fishing ..or fishing...

..or going to the races, chatting up girls, kicking a ball about

going to the baths, putting at Priory Park,

watching girls play netball through the railings.

What's the matter?

What a pathetic bloody existence! I've got to go. I've got to go

You'll kill yourself. I will at this rate.

But death is nature telling you to slow down.

GENERAL CHATTER

This place reminds me... Alan!

Are you listening? What, love?

It reminds me of the club in Rimini.

Does it? I suppose so. It's full of Italian waiters.

I didn't like Rimini - very touristy.

Were you there at Easter? No, August.

At Easter, we were in Albufera We want to go this summer.

It's very lovely.

Mind you, we were there early In the summer it gets very touristy.

Or Morocco - I believe the desert's wonderful.

It used to be, but all them charter trips go there now.

Of course, you've got your Arab

We're very limited with Bob's hay fever.

Aren't we? BOB! What?

- Are we keeping you up? - So rude!

We've got that much on at work I can't keep awake.

He's been working hard for his exams.

He takes it too seriously. You should learn to relax.

You've got your own business. It's ?1 a drink here.

That's just the cover charge. ?1 a drink!

On the other hand it keeps out the riffraff.

All right, I'll get them in. Howay, pet.

I'm not so sure. What's he doing here?

ALAN: Who's with him?

He can't afford it. I lent him 5 at lunch time. Oh, not again!

I'm sorry. He needed new shoes You're a fool to yourself.

It's a big round! ..three Kon-Tiki cocktails.

Kon-Tiki cocktails. She's worth it.

They let the wet in.

I've seen that girl before. Haven't you? I'd have remembered.

She's attractive in an obvious sort of way.

Yes, everyone's wearing that material.

She's got some form on her, Bob Got some form.

Where does he get it from?

From you. It's not a loan. It's an allowance. You're a fool to yourself.

Where did he get her from?

Hey up, kidda. Hello, Bob! Hello, Thelma!

Alan. Terry. Brenda.

That's a nice change - night out with the wife.

I want you to meet my very special friend - Madelyn.

Brenda, Alan, Bob and Thelma.

Let me get you all a drink. Well, I'll...

I wouldn't say no. We must go, Terry. Bob's very tired.

I'm all right. You couldn't keep awake before

I'll have one. No. What? We really must go, Alan. The sitter.

She won't mind. It's late. Think of other people.

I am. Her boyfriend's come down - that corporal. He's not driven from Catterick to watch the Epilogue.

All the more reason.

Howay! I'm in the chair. It's my round.

We really must go. Thanks, anyway.

We'll get our coats, shall we, Brenda?

Where've you been hiding, love Not that you're hiding much.

Not many of THEM to the pound. Cheeky!

I only finish at 11.00. What do you do?

I'm an usherette. Your afternoon wasn't wasted.

Give us some chips, Terry.

I like roulette, you know? I don't go mad. I just play unevens.

Change yourself that.

Thanks. Have a nice time. Ta-ra.

Ta-ra!

Nice one, Terry. Not bad, eh?

You pulled her in the pictures? In the interval. Beats the ice creams.

What about a drink? I think I'll watch some roulette. She has that effect.

Didn't you feel your adrenalin rising?

You're very flush all of a sudden, aren't you?

Little windfall.

No new shoes. I was going to. I was on me way and I ran into Little Hutch.

He asked after you both. Yes, yes.

He asked if I had any spare and I said a little to buy some new shoes.

He says never mind the shoes. Put it all on Domino at the 4.15 at Fontwell.

And you did. And I doubled it at the 5.00 at York.

You jammy Arab. How much was it

Enough.

It was MY money, you know? Out of my pocket. It's so unfair.

Oh, here, here. There's your fiver.

Six. All right, all right! Six. Good God!

If you take my advice you'll put all that on the first race tomorrow at Hexham -

Kilvennie. Howay! Over here.

Your money won't last in this place. Do you know how much a drink is?

It's ?1 a drink in here.

Well, it keeps the riffraff out

Don't pour your money down that Got any change?

What? Any change. Five pences. Come on, just a loan.

Not much. That's all I've got. Good lad.

It's money down the drain. Why win money then pour it away

You can't win on these things. It's a well-known...

Thank you, kidda.

You all right, Bob? Mmm? You all right? I'm all right.

You're tired. Aren't you sleeping?

Not very well, no. It's not that.

Is it worth it? That's what I ask myself, Wendy. Is it worth it?

Is what worth it? If you're married there's so much you HAVE to do.

I don't mean extra responsibilities.

I mean the sheer volume of things you HAVE to do.

I have to study and go out to work.

I have to get a new house together.

I have to fill in forms and dig borders and plant daffodils

I've got to paint the garage and service the car and lay linoleum.

Claim rebates on the rates.

I have to pass exams,

and worry whether I can afford to take Thelma to Morocco in August.

And I think I've got a cold coming on.

Gordon has a lot to do as well

Who?

My boyfriend Gordon.

Gordon? You met him at the firm's Christmas party.

Oh, him. The bad-tempered one. He was just a bit suspicious.

A quiet talk with my secretary. . in the stationery cupboard, is my business. Yes, Bob.

I couldn't give dictation with that noise. No, Bob. It was Christmas.

Gordon's trying to get the car ready. It's old but he's good mechanically.

We're going to Holland and Belgium. They're flat so there's no gradients.

It's not very good on gradients

Yes, well...

We went to Scotland on his motorbike. It didn't mind gradients.

We went to the Peak District, the Lakes...

You've had an up-and-down affair. Pardon?

Now it'll all level out, like life.

Don't play it safe, Wendy. Get the motorbike back and go to the Alps.

We couldn't afford the petrol.

We'll never afford a holiday. That horse might win.

I doubt it. I gave the money to the tea boy. It'll be running now.

If it started. All right, Wendy.

Time is money. Can I say one thing, Bob? What

It's none of my business, but gambling's not the answer.

Oh, I'm...sorry. Hello, Terry.

I was just passing, kidda. Yeah. That'll be all, pet.

Ooh, it's "pet" now, is it?

You can't be too formal. Specially since the Christmas party.

Who told you? Keep your vest on Your secret's safe with me.

Do you want them biscuits? No, I can't eat.

Sorry I couldn't make the pub at lunch time. I've got so much on.

You look tired. Knackered.

Never mind. It'll be worth it one day.

One day?! Why does everyone talk about a mythical "one day"?

As if at some stage in the future your life comes together and makes sense.

You've got the right idea. Live now. Enjoy yourself!

How did you get hold of Madelyn

I didn't.

You didn't.

I met her from work. I took her to a Chinese restaurant.

How she keeps her form with all them noodles! Then the club. ?1 a drink!

Don't tell me. Don't tell me.

After six Kon-tiki cocktails she was afloat.

I gave her money for roulette at which she did very nicely.

I showed her the finer points of blackjack, we had a bottle of wine,

THEN when the time came for her to show her appreciation I got that!

The big E.

Did you take her home? How can I? I haven't got a car

What about a taxi? I didn't have enough money for a taxi.

You didn't blow the lot? Oh, but I did. How?

On the finer points of blackjack.

Didn't she offer to pay for a taxi? She got a lift from this wine waiter, called Dante.

He took me an' all. It's not very dignified, you know, Bob.

To get taken home, penniless, in the back of some Eytie's van

You blew the lot!

I know, I know. I'm a fool to myself.

One good thing did come out of it. It's made me see sense.

It's made realise I've got to get my thinking cap on and..

Well, that's why I'm here.

How do you mean? You said something about a job

Yes, right.

Sure.

It's on an estate near Durham. You have to see the foreman.

I'll go now. Give us the address. You're sure?

Absolutely positive.

I'm delighted! I'm very glad, kidda.

Not just for yourself, but because... Well, for me too

I was... I was beginning to have doubts

If I can help someone as I go. Yes.

You've got to believe in "one day".

You can't spend all your time frivolously, with usherettes,

and pointless gambling.

True. True.

Bob! Kilvennie won! What?! What !

You've won ?6.42!

Thank you. Next time you might knock before barging in.

Oh, oh, yes, Bob...Mr Ferris.

You jammy Arab. You were on it Weren't you?

What with?! It was the one Friday when Mam didn't leave money for the milkman.

There's the address. See Joe Pearson. He's the gaffer.

Well, how am I going to get there?

You'll have to take the bus, or a train.

Could you see your way...? No! Just the train fare.

I'll pay you back out of me wages.

Well... It WAS my tip. All right, take ?1.

I'll just take the fiver. What's left?

More than you started with. If I was you I'd put that on Sesame in the 4 30.

You're doing it again. Only if I was you, I said. Not if I was me.

I've seen the error of my ways I hope so.

Tonight we can celebrate my career. I can't. I've got evening classes.

Shall I put down for them? What? Evening classes. I could come too.

It's the middle of a course. You have to decide on a course. Do you? COURSE you do.

I know. Get me the enrolment form and the syllabus and I'll pick one.

Pick one?

Yeah. Accountancy, carpentry..

I'll tell you what! Put me down for elementary Italian.

Italian? I'll tell the wine waiter what he can do with his corkscrew.

DOORBELL

Hello, kidda. What are you doing here? Just dropped by.

I'm on me way to evening classes.

You're looking very smart.

Present. Who for?

For you. For you and Thelma from me. Champagne. Champagne?

Well, it's supposed to be champagne.

It cost ?1.63 a bottle! Well, thank you.

But why? Is it for getting the new job?

What job? The job I put you up for.

Oh, that. No. No. I arranged it

I know, kid. I know you mean well. The thing is...I'm a tradesman

If I go for a job, it has to be a trade.

Do you want me on a building site like some motorway Mick? I gave you your fare.

Which I owe you and I'm glad to say I'm in a position to pay you back.

If I'd gone for that job I wouldn't be in a position to pay you back.

Thank goodness, I said to myself,

that NOT going to that job means I can pay back my friend Bob the ?5 I owe him.

Where did you get all that money? Where did you get it?

I was off to the station and I saw Little Hutch. He asked after you.

He said how was Thelma. Yes. He gave you a tip. He did

I couldn't ignore it.

It wasn't Sesame. What?

The four-legged idiot was left at the gate with my ?1.42 on its nose.

It's one of life's bitter ironies. You ARE five pounds up, on the day.

That money I gave you was meant to start you off on a new life

It did! It started me on a treble. I won a bundle. So I want to take you out to dinner.

You and Thelma. Anywhere you like. We want you to come with us.

We? Me and Linda. She's in her car. Who's Linda?

She works in the bookies. She's a really nice lass.

I've seen a lot of her recently

Course you have! You spend your life in there.

Come on! Get Thelma. She's out and I've got night school. Skip it for once.

I've got exams, haven't I? I've got exams!

You'll have a breakdown, you will.

Your health'll go, then your marriage.

Nothing's wrong with my marriage. Thelma's out on her own tonight

You can't expect her to stop in She's gone to badminton.

Hah! Badminton?! Things can happen there, same as anywhere else

Don't let those drips fool you, in their shorts, drinking lemon barley.

What do you mean, "things"?

When a wife starts taking second place to her husband's career,

she begins to look for...outlets.

You play mixed doubles, don't you? Yes.

Who's taking your place tonight Only Hugh's brother.

Hugh's brother?! Anything could happen!

At the Badminton Club? The committee wouldn't allow it

Bob! I can see it all. By the time you've qualified, it'll be too late.

She'll be off, sharing someone else's shuttlecock.

Would you just go? Take Linda, and go and blow your winnings,

and don't come to me when it's gone and you can't steal the milk money.

I wash my hands of you. I give up. Go on! I've had it now.

I tried to give your life direction, but you just want to go to pubs

or pictures or... Restaurants. ..restaurants, yes.

Or nightclubs. Have nights out with the lads,

play late-night snooker, or all-night poker,

or going to dimly-lit discotheques.

You can sit thigh-to-thigh to some sexy girl like Linda or Madelyn,

or any girl, if you're prepared to put a bit of money about of a night.

What a lovely bloody life you lead!

Intelfax Subtitles by Kate Shaw for BBC Subtitling, 1995