One for the Road Whatever Happened to the Likely Lads?

# Oh, what happened to you,

# Whatever happened to me?

# What became of the people

# We used to be?

# Tomorrow's almost over,

# Today went by so fast,

# Is the only thing to look forward to...

# ..the past? #

Shall I tell you something, Franco? Shall I?

That is not an unpleasant little Burgundy.

Not a bad little Burgundy.

-This chocolate mousse is gorgeous.

-Thank you, madam. Thank you, sir.

For a place up here, they have a good little wine list.

-Try some. It's ever so light.

-No, I'm watching my carbohydrates.

There can't be more in this than in the wine you've knocked back.

Darling, I do not knock it back. I'm a connoisseur.

I sip it, with an appreciative respect for its piquancy.

I do NOT knock it back.

OK, but you've sipped half a bottle of white,...

A Chablis, dry, not a thoroughbred, but for the price, admirable.

-And a bottle of red.

-Robust, full-brodded...blooded Gevrey-Chambertin.

Which means you've knocked back a bottle and a half.

-Darling, wine is my hobby. I'm not drinking, I'm learning about it.

-Oh.

Not like some. Not like Terry. He hasn't got past beer.

To him, sophistication is a pint of Newcastle Brown with a cherry in it.

Well, if wine gets you away from Terry and the pub, drink on, petal.

"Fill every glass, for wine fires us with courage, love and joy."

-What, pet?

-It's a well-known quotation.

-Oh!

"Wine fires us with courage, love and joy."

Hmm, yes, that's true in your case.

-How come?

-When we were courting, it took wine to give you courage to ask if we could make love.

Ha, ha! Very good. So where does joy come in? Courage, love and joy?

-Well, surely the joy was when I said "yes".

-Right, yes! Ha, ha!

But you hardly ever did. As far as I was concerned, there WAS no joy, no joy whatsoever.

Because after the wine, you were incapable.

Wine doesn't make you incapable. It's a gentle stimulant.

-"A good, familiar creature." The words of Shakespeare. What it does NOT do is get you legless.

-Yes.

Compliments of the Moulin Rouge. We thought you would appreciate it. Vintage port. Speciale!

Thank you, Franco, thank you.

What about that? Isn't that nice? We'll come here again.

Look at the colour of that. Mmm, the bouquet. Mellow, yet positive.

You know how they taste wine? They don't sip it like most people do. In the trade, they do it like this.

-Good, yes? Speciale!

-Marvellous...sorry.

-Cheers, George.

-Thank you, sir.

-Careful how you go. There's a match.

-Aye, a friendly - with Rangers!

-No such thing. They'll be on the rampage.

-Aye, hooligans! Goodnight.

-Night.

-Thank you for a lovely night.

-Thank YOU for a lovely night.

-Do port stains wash out?

-Stupid waiter, creeping up.

-He didn't know you were gargling.

-I wasn't gargling. I was...

-Ssshh, it's OK. It's still been lovely. Give me the keys, I'll drive.

-No, it's all right.

-I think I should.

-No, pet, I'm fine. I've only had wine.

What've I done? I've done nothing.

HE BABBLES DRUNKENLY

-Pull yourself together. You've nothing to worry about.

-No.

I've had a guilt thing about the police since me and Terry stole a hosepipe.

-But you were ten.

-Oh, what have I done? Nothing.

Good evening, c-constable...officer. What a lovely evening. Quite balmy, really. What's wrong?

-Did you know your rear offside light's not working, sir?

-Is it not? W-well, I never.

I'll buy a bulb. I-It's just had a service, too. Garages!

But sitting up front, one isn't always aware of what's happening at the rear, is one?

One knows thanks to your diligence.

-Is it your car?

-Yes, it is. First thing in the morning, I'll get it fixed.

-Have you any documents to prove it's your car?

-Yes, it's all here.

First thing tomorrow, I'll fix it. I'll b-buy a bulb.

I'll give that garage some stick, I can tell you.

All right, then, Mr Ferris, you see to it.

-Goodnight, then, sir.

-What?...Oh, yes.

Right, it's goodnight then, is it?

Right, thank you very much. Thank you.

Bon voyage, eh?

It's so unfair. Victimisation - end of the month and they must be down on the quota.

They wouldn't have breathalysed you if you hadn't acted so strangely.

You never read "The Naked Ape", did you? I lent it to you.

Thelma, has this any relevance?

Yes. It's about how man's an animal and so wants to protect his own territory.

Letting that policeman come to the car was aggressive, guarding your patch.

If you'd got out, psychologically, it would have been friendly.

Yes, Thelma, very good advice - for a gorilla being breathalysed.

Er...we're waiting for a doctor. Next stage is the doctor, you see.

-Is it?

-The breathalyser only determines alcohol on the breath.

The actual offence is having alcohol in the bloodstream. The bloodstream.

The doctor determines that by taking a blood sample. Or, if your husband prefers, a urine sample.

-Listen to what he's saying.

-Hmm?

-Blood or urine, sir?

-Just a cup of tea, please.

-Bob!

-What?

I-I shall just leave this here for the time being, but as I say, you can elect to give blood.

-I'm not giving blood!

-It's only a pinprick.

-I don't care, I'm not.

-You've got to, to prove your innocence. He's not been drinking.

-Thelma...

-The breathalyser...

-I don't give a fig. I was with him, he hasn't been drinking...in the drinking sense.

-Yes.

-He's only had wine, and it doesn't affect him.

-Yes, OK, pet....

-Wine is a gentle stimulant.

-"A good, familiar creature". Shakespeare, isn't it?

-Er, yes...

He didn't have spirits, except for the teeniest vodka. He's just stuck to a bottle and a half of wine.

-Then I'm surprised the breathalyser turned green.

-Thank you. See, Bob.

I'm surprised it didn't turn claret.

We didn't touch the clarets. We stuck to a rather robust Gevrey-Chambertin.

I should have taken a statement. If I'd only had it in writing. Oh, well.

SHOUTING IN CORRIDOR

-What's that?

-Lots of football rowdies.

-Go home, pet. They'll let you drive.

-Are you sure?

-Yes. You hardly drank anything.

-You don't want me to wait?

-No, you've done enough damage.

-I've done what?

-"Apart from a tiny vodka, my husband stuck to his bottles of wine!"

And a barrel of brandy on the bypass!

Well, fancy getting in the back! I offered to drive - "No, I'm fine."

-Just go on home, Thelma.

-I'll leave the downstairs light on.

SLAMS DOOR

Get off!

You have no right! What about justice? Civil liberties? I'll write to my MP! I'll get the law!

Fascists!

Bob?

What on earth are you doing here?

I've been breathalysed.

No?

I have.

-Seriously?

-Yes. What do you think I'm doing here - social work?

I saw Thelma outside but I thought "No, what could she be doing here?"

I'd have said "hi" but I was saving my vitals from a size 12 boot.

-Was that you shouting?

-Defending my rights.

-Why are you here?

-Wrongful arrest, that's why.

-What happened?

We were coming back from the match. Minding our own business, like. Not looking for trouble.

We turned into Clayton Street, bang into some Scots, waving bottles, bitter on defeating red biddy.

Nothing mellow about a legless Jock. He won't shake your hand and whistle "Auld Lang Syne".

-What happened?

-We were on them before you could say "up your kilt".

-Charming!

-It was self-defence. We didn't want trouble.

-No(!)

-One thing I know about Scots, follow the golden rule.

-What?

-Do unto others as you'd have them do unto you. Only do it first.

-My God! I don't know.

-What?

-Nothing, just thinking.

-Thinking what?

-How far we've drifted apart on the social scene.

I mean, all right, we're both here, right.

I'm here due to my keen interest in the finer points of wine.

You're here because you've committed GBH on a Scotsman's groin.

Both criminals in law. Being middle class doesn't put you above the law.

It's unfair. I'm just having a nice, civilised evening out with the wife.

-I'm here due to a wonky rear.

-And the breathalyser.

The police should have better things to do. Like arresting burglars and rapists and muggers.

-Or football thugs on the rampage.

-They are, that's why I'm here.

Yes, and I have to share my anteroom with you.

Fancy putting violent offenders in with innocent motorists like me. Why are you in here with me?

I'm here because there is doubt about my alleged guilt.

It's an obvious case of wrongful arrest. Besides all the cells are full up.

-You'll end up in jail, you.

-I have. And who do I bump into? Ferris!

You'll get kicked out the badminton club when this leaks out. And when Thelma's sewing circle hears...!

It's not funny, you know. If I'm positive, I'll lose my licence for a year. Automatic. It's so unfair.

It took you years to get it an' all.

Pardon?

No, but it did, didn't it?

Wasn't it the hill-starts you kept cocking up?

And the emergency stop. I was too good at that.

Once the examiner hit his head on the windscreen. Bang!

How could he judge me fairly, suffering from concussion?

Years to get it, and a moment's indiscretion.

DID you have too much to drink?

-Just wine.

-Just wine? That could mean...just a bottle and a half.

-Did you talk to Thelma out there?

-No. What's up?

Nothing.

It's so unfair.

We won.

Pardon?

-We won the match.

-Oh?

-Best game for ages. You should have been there.

Too right! Then I wouldn't be here. All I'd suffer would be a fine.

Certainly not a year's suspension. It's so unfair.

-You're waiting for the doctor, are you? Isn't that what happens?

-Apparently.

-Takes blood, doesn't he?

-Or that.

-You haven't.

-You wouldn't be playing around with it if I had.

-True. Why haven't you?

I can't.

You can't have drunk that much then.

That'll stand up in court(!) "My client must be sober because he can't manage a pee."

Don't get all shirty with me. I'm only trying to help you, aren't I?

I mean, the longer you can't go, the better it is, surely. It must give you more chance to get sober.

-The longer it takes the doctor to get here, the better, surely.

-Yes.

-The longer it takes, yes.

-And if you do want to go, don't. Keep on saying you can't.

They can't prove anything. You just sit there...defiant, with your legs crossed.

Defiantly, yes. They can't prove anything.

-On the other hand...

-What?

-You see, it depends on your metabolism.

-What?

-With some people, alcohol reaches the bloodstream quicker.

It CAN be good to have the doctor get to you late. However, it could be the quicker the better.

-What sort am I?

-That's it - we don't know.

That's typical! You build me up and...oh, rats!

I'm a pedestrian. One of the foot-sore masses who keep our streets safe.

But if I drove, I'd know the answers to drinking and driving. Don't look like that.

If you drink, don't drive. If you do, then drink moderately. If you can't, then wait.

Have lots of sweet coffee, or better, a jar of honey. Then, only if you must, drive home...carefully.

You're behaving. That's more important than ever these days.

You're behaving like a dutiful, law-abiding citizen.

-If I do that and still get done?

-You bribe the policeman.

-Dear me!

-Look, man, you should have had the money ready inside your licence.

-What?

He asks for it. "Oh, I see, sir. Be more careful next time. Goodnight, pleasant journey." There you are.

It's not America, you know. You're outrageous.

You what? You think the law's above corruption. You're so naive.

They live on bribes, the police.

The American police live on bribes. It makes you realise what a good job our boys are...oh, hello.

-Are you taking the...

-No, that's what you're here for.

Now, just be careful, lad, just you be very careful.

I can't. I can't. I'm trying.

Doctor's on his way.

I can see me trying to bribe him(!)

You've been scared of the law since we nicked that hosepipe once.

Well, the doctor's on his way. That's it, then.

-Maybe not. It depends on your metabolism.

-No, I'm bound to have the wrong sort.

Oh! All I'm doing is having a nice evening out. Huh!

-What, apart from everything else, what was the meal like?

-Very good. Very good.

And you only drank wine, did you?

Yes, we had a bottle of white, Chablis, dry, admirable. And a bottle of Gevrey-Chambertin, 1969.

-Oh, aye?

-Yes, very good. Not unimpressive at all. Not unimpressive.

-Good, good.

-Not up to your '67, of course.

-No, quite.

-Just you and Thelma?

-Yes.

-You must have had a bottle and a half, at least?

If you put it that way...yes!

-That's it?

-I had an aperitif. One does, doesn't one?

-Oh, aye, one does(!)

-A small vodka, tiny. Oh, and I did have a port.

-Oh, a port an' all?

Yes, excellent, vintage. They sent it across, compliments of the house.

-They could tell.

-Tell what?

-That I would appreciate it, because er, I was...

-An alcoholic.

-A connoisseur.

-A drunk. You'd have had to give the police your car to bribe your way out of this!

Well, the car's not much use, now I've rotten had it. A year's suspension. Automatic.

I've always had a clean licence an' all. No-claims bonus, all that.

A few minor offences. Parking on a double yellow line by the dry-cleaner's.

And...speeding in a safari park.

You what? Scared of the lions, were you?

I was trying to shake off a baboon.

He was on the boot, pulling off the GB plate, scratching the metalwork.

That must have sounded incredible in court.

No more safari park outings now. Or picnics or trips to the Lake District or the Cheviots.

How'll I get to work? Thelma'll have to take me. But she finishes before me.

I'll have to catch the bus home.

Then walk all the way from Weston Way.

That wind is awful. Sundays, I won't be able to have a drink up the coast.

Unless Malcolm goes. And he can't drop me back cos he lunches with his in-laws. God!

-My whole social life as such is finished.

-Pull yourself together, man. It's not as bad as all that.

You can be a pedestrian and still get something out of life.

-Like what?

-Well, like...exercise.

I get plenty at the badminton club. Oh, I can't do that now. Not without a car.

It REALLY means that much to you, doesn't it?

Yes. The day I got my first car was one of the best of my life.

Nothing's ever topped that feeling, that elation.

Marrying Thelma came close, of course.

-I'll take that.

-What?

-You won't lose your licence, Bob. Drive on, baby, drive on.

-What?

-They want a sample. They'll get one, but they don't have to know whose.

-You can't!

-Shut up and keep watch.

-You can't.

-The perfect way out, man.

-But...

Nothing wrong with Collier '74.

Not as good as the '67, mind.

But it's an illegal act in a police station.

-Crafty.

-A miscarriage of justice.

-You'll have a miscarriage if you don't get a grip.

Well, hurry up then.

-What's wrong?

-I can't go.

Well, you've got me in such a state, I can. In fact, I've GOT to!

Where is he?

I'm off duty now. The doc'll be here in a jiff.

I'm sorry, kidda.

It's all right. It was a good idea.

-It would have worked an' all.

-I know, I know.

You forgot that.

Oh, no! I'll have to give blood now.

-It CAN work, you said so yourself.

-Yes, but...

-Look, kid, it's your licence.

-But...

-It can work.

I'm Dr McKae. Who's...er, Ferris, is that it?

Er, yes, Ferris with two Rs. You'll be wanting some blood, will you?

Yes, just roll up your sleeve.

That's the thing.

And, er, where did they nab you, eh?

On the bypass. Wasn't that what you said, Mr Ferris?

-Aye, yes.

-Well, you seem compos mentis to me.

-Is that good or bad?

I'll make up two samples - one of which you will retain and er...

if you like, you can obtain your own...private analysis.

-OK.

-Well, thank you, doctor(!)

-Right.

Collier?

Well, Collier?

Yes. Me, sergeant.

Away then, we've got a cell for you now.

Cell?

What did you expect - bail(?) You'll be charged in the morning - disorderly conduct.

Come on, lad. Move, laddie!

I said move!

OK, no hard feelings then, eh, pal?

-No, no.

-But next time, we'll HAVE you.

Pssst! Bob.

What happened?

-I...YOU were fined ten quid.

-Not bound over?

Just a fine, and humiliation, and sweat and fear.

-You saw Thelma?

-Yes. Told her not to come because you were being me.

She knows. She's an accessory... How did she take it?

Well...she took it.

-Yes, but how?

-Well, she sort of...reacted.

-But HOW?

-Well...with sort of...hysterics.

God!

I've gone grey overnight.

I have. I've gone grey overnight.

-Cheers!

-Cheers!

-Clear as crystal, it's always good here. Jack knows how to keep beer.

-It's a good drop.

-It's the best in the district! Wine drinking's ruining your palate.

In future, I'll only drink wine at home. Or I'll take taxis.

I've learnt. No more drink-driving.

Aye, well, all's well that ends well. Cheers!

It's not a celebration to crime.

-But we are celebrating.

-It took all night to sort it in my mind. I nearly confessed.

Then I realised I hadn't done anything. And I'd have got off.

Because I've got long-distance metabolism.

Oh, I'm so glad(!)

-But I had a nasty moment.

-What?

-I went to pay the fine by cheque.

-So?

A cheque, man. That would have looked good(!) T Collier paying with an R Ferris cheque.

I'd have been done for passing dud cheques. Or YOU would.

Lucky I had ten quid. Which you owe me.

Oh, thank you(!) Thank you very much(!) God knows, it's little enough after all I've done for you.

I have saved your entire social life as you know it.

All right, I'm not ungrateful.

-Hey.

-What?

-Well, come on, admit it.

-Admit what?

-Well, who else would have got away with it, eh?

No, there's nothing to gloat about.

-We did, though, didn't we?

-We bloody did.

-Under their noses!

-We put one over them!

-Who says crime doesn't pay?

-Right now they're going over your blood.

They'll put a note on it - "This horse is unfit for work."

-Let's have a celebration short.

-Good lad! Jack!

-Brandies! Doubles!

-Brandy? The hair of the dog, eh?

-That's it, aye!

What did he mean - hair of the dog?

I was in last night, wasn't I?

-You were drinking?

-I was in.

-Enough to need hair of the dog?

-It's just an expression.

-Used when you have a hangover.

It was only beer. Not drinking in the drinking sense.

ONLY beer? Your nightly consumption's a gallon.

You've dropped me in it, you inconsiderate, thoughtless idiot!

Don't you talk to me like that! I shed my blood for you!

Yes, but what bloody blood?

-I

-was only marginal. This isn't even red. It's dark brown.

My God, it's even got a head on it!

Intelfax Subtitles by Sophie Brown for BBC Subtitling, 1995