The Great Race Whatever Happened to the Likely Lads?

# Oh, what happened to you?

# Whatever happened to me?

# What became of the people

# We used to be?

# Tomorrow's almost over

# Today went by so fast

# Is the only thing to look forward to...

# The past? #

Gentlemen. Ah, nectar.

Thanks, Gloria. Want one yourself? Not just now, thanks, Bob.

We'd enough last night. We were at a victualler dinner dance. Ooh, I can't tell ya!

Is that why Jack's not here? He can't move! Literally can't move!

Miracle he's alive after what he put back. Walking miracle, IF he could walk!

The first of the weekend. The weekend starts here. The first beer.

Since lunch time.

Nothing's like that Friday night feeling. It's a working class thing.

The working classes have to do jobs they don't like, so Friday night is a wonderful release.

It's wonderful to think that for two whole days we haven't got to face that grind, sweat and toil.

Haven't got to chip away at a seam or hoist a girder or work a lathe.

Lift that barge, tote that bale Right!

What? Ole Man River, he just keeps a-rollin' along(!

Is that an irrelevance to my point?

Working class sweat is an irrelevance to you. I beg your pardon, you middle class crawler!

What's this "Friday release"? You don't work. Every night is the same. Like, where were you on Wednesday?

With you? I wasn't across the doors.

I was sure I was with you.

So those shoes aren't yours?

What shoes? The ones I woke up in.

What a state to get into! Next it'll be rats across the ceiling!

I don't drink that much. Sometimes I drink to forget. Forget what

Can't remember. I've forgotten

That's cos you drink too much. Effective, eh?

I'm cutting down. Beer's OK, but it's so fattening.

I don't have that problem. You're lucky. You never put an ounce on.

Doesn't mean your insides are in good order. And you smoke too much! I'm cutting down on that, too.

You still go through enough of them cheroots. I've cut down on inhaling.

I only smoke socially - when I'm out.

That's me point. You're never in!

Five years in the army. I'm in shape! Being in the army doesn't make you a perfect specimen.

Keep fit is up to the individual. What about all the sport? Football, boxing, swimming - you name it

Was it compulsory? Of course not. Then you wouldn't have done it

Oh, yes? Then WHO...just ask me WHO

was the Second Battalion Royal Electrical and Mechanical Engineers snooker champ in 1968? Surprise us.

2381444 Lance Corporal Collier that's who!

That's really healthy - snooker !)

An occasional walk round the table(!)

It was quite a brisk walk. I keep in trim. I've seen how people our age let their bodies fall apart

Thelma and me play squash and do 20 press-ups every night

EVERY night?

Except Fridays.

And I do a bit of yoga and I stick to a healthy diet wheat germ, yogurt.

Look how good my skin is. Bob, you don't half fuss!

There's always some new fad, some short cut to health! Hasn't helped your catarrh.

That's the pollution up here!

So what's the point in not smoking? You remind me of the story of the rich millionaire rancher in Texas.

He spent a fortune building a fallout shelter. It had everything - radar, food for three years.

He was laying the last brick, when... Go on. An Indian shot him in the back with an arrow.

Where's the point? Between his shoulder blades!

No, what does it prove? Come on, don't be dim!

What is the point in nursing your body and eating yogurt when some Indian can kill you with an arrow?

Up here? You know perfectly well what I mean.

You could be... knocked over by a bus! 'Course The buses are driven by Indians

See what I mean? Our lives hang by a thread. Life's so...so... Tenuous. What

Tenuous. Aye. Any minute a bus, a falling beam... You never can tell.

I see what you mean.

Ee, look at 'em! Look at that ginger one.

Soccer's golden nursery, up here. One of them'll make it. Probably scouts from six clubs lurking.

Follow 'em back to some council house, slip dad a few hundred, buy mum a spin dryer, they're only 1.

That's your escape from the lathe and thin seam.

Aye.

If only.

If only.

What do you mean "if only"? I'll tell you what if only!

I'll show you what the game lost! Don't be childish.

What's wrong wi' you, body beautiful?! You're meant to be in trim(!) I'll outlast YOU any day!

Give us a game then. One each side. Choose. What's to choose? Cheeky...!

Which do you want?

We'll 'ave the fat one.

Are you all right? Am I hell!

That kid went right over the top! NO attempt to play the ball!

It was a professional foul and I've rarely seen it so perfectly executed! He really clobbered you.

And I was through. Certain goal

Did you see how he brought me down? Dirty little so-and-so!

He showed a lot of promise. Aye All the attributes. Impressive

He's got what it takes. Oh, aye

Dirty so-and-so!

I'm knackered!

Well, of course you are, man. We're getting old.

Our bodies can't take it any more.

I read that thousands of body cells die every day, never to be replaced!

We're dying from the moment we're born.

No, surely you've got to grow a bit first

Well, from when you start putting it about and drinking - about 1 .

I suppose so. We're not what we were.

When we were 16, we'd go out Friday, get drunk, go to a dance, home at dawn,

up at 8.00, sausage, bacon, fried bread, then cycle to Berwick! And back! No hangover. Never!

I'll have one tomorrow. Not if you can't get a drink!

You can never get served here. HOWAY, PET! How many of my cells have died waiting for a drink here?

Mind you... What? However many cells are dying, you can still slow the process up a bit. How

By keeping in trim. Trim(!) Tonight, look how I lasted the pace better.

You lasted because of your brilliant positional sense -

by avoiding the ball for hours

I ghost around like Martin Peters. He doesn't use much energy either.

I may have a hangover, but I could still cycle to Berwick, no problem.

Could you hell! Remember how good I was? You don't forget that. Bet your legs have.

All I'm saying is, should the need arise, I could still cycle to Berwick.

So could I. Quicker than you an' all.

# Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha! #

What are you bleating about?

You couldn't get to the Black Horse!

I was just as keen a cyclist as you. I don't deny it.

Once, you were faster, but in question here is the toll the years have taken on our respective bodies.

You've lost more cells than me I could still beat you to Berwick.

You couldn't. I BET you I could

OK, put up your money. I'm willing. How much?

Enough. I'm confident. How confident? Say ?25,000?

Against my yacht, I suppose(?)

Right. ?25 then.

What? ?25, first one to Berwick tomorrow.

Well, I haven't got a bike! If I had...

You can borrow a bike. Your brother-in-law Ernie's got a bike!

And you? My bike's still in me Mum's shed.

You're on! Tomorrow. First one to Berwick - ?25.

Will you pay hotel expenses?

What hotel expenses? Mine, cos you won't get there till Tuesday!

I'll pedal you into the ground We'll see! You think you can abuse your body and stay in shape?

I do! What do you want, pet?

My round, Bob. Just half of special.

Have a pint, man, and a short with it!

A pint and a large scotch... And for you?

Bitter lemon, please.

What are they? Water bottles!

But I've made you a thermos. That's for when I stop. I need these on the move.

Sandwiches, eggs and a banana. I'd have done more, but you won't get far.

Funny(!)

There's plasters and glucose tablets. I couldn't get distress flares

You're worse than Bob, you are

Is the bike OK? Now I've oiled it and blown the tyres up. Where's the bottle opener?

Hasn't been touched for a year Ernie bought it for his fitness kick. Lasted a week!

We went to the Odeon last week, we had to stop halfway up the stairs!

But some of us keep ourselves in shape, look after ourselves

What are you doing?! I'll need these on the move, won't I

You'll not be OFF the move with that lot!

Morning.

Good God!

Bob, you look very competitive Doesn't he? Who's sponsoring you?

You're going like that? What's wrong?

Nothing except it's hot and unsuitable! It's not the Tour de rotten France!

Trust you! A brewery's sponsoring you, eh? Look at them shorts(!

Like a cup of tea, love? No thanks, Aud. Not too much fluid. I've had a high protein cereal and peaches.

He's had four slices of bread and dripping and black pudding Come on, then, let's get off.

That's not yours! The chain's gone on mine. That's not YOURS That must be 12 ounces, that.

It's not the bike that counts. It's these! Don't take any chances, but.

Don't you need a mac? No. We're taking the train back

Not necessarily the same train though, but. I'm not waiting!

The forecast said showers imminent.

Are you right, then? Come on.

I think you're both mad, but may the best man win. I'm sure you will, Bob.

Howay, let's get started!

They used to do this every Saturday morning. 'Course, they were kids then. They won't get far now.

I forgot me sandwiches.

OK? Never better! Sid's Cafe is the first check-in point.

Whoever gets there first, gets that many minutes in hand. OK, I'll wait.

Twelve and a half minutes. What

I'm ahead 12? minutes. I've only your word for that! No, ask Sid

What do you want? A yellow jersey? I got you tea. I expect it's cold.

I've had to put air in me back tyre.

Liar. I have! I've a slow puncture!

Only slow puncture you've got is in your lungs!

I've been dogged by ill luck! Ah, well, take this cup in for us.

I'll be off, but you can't start for 12? minutes. You promise?

Promise. On your honour? YES!

Stage Two - the Bluebell Garage

I KNEW you'd cheat! I wasn't cheating. Cheat, cheat, cheat!

I just didn't want to get out of me stride, get cramp.

I'd have told you. We'll go together, but I'm 12? minutes in hand. I waited half a minute

COUGHS

BAST-A-A-A-RD!

Taking a short cut? I'll short cut you! You could've KILLED me!

Me? How?

You did them bloody brakes! YOU did my bloody wheel!

That was a joke. This could've been fatal! I could've hit something Not on this stretch.

You could've killed me.

Well, what about this?

Well, I'm sorry.

I fell in some nettles, an' all

I'll find a dock leaf. No, don't bother!

I've some TCP in my bag. You would have! The Flying Doctor(!

Is your bike all right? How should I know?!

Want to pack it in, then?

Of course I do! You won't get me on that again

'Ey, you!

I wanna word with you!

Tea, please. I've got it.

It's cold by now. How did you get here?

On me bike. How did you get here? No. How did you get here before me?

Pedalled faster. I never saw you pass me. Did you take the by-pass? Yes.

I went straight through the town. I wanted to stop for some liquorice allsorts.

You never overtook me! Even if it's shorter through the town! I'd lost you! No, you hadn't, Bob.

How long have you been here?

Ten minutes. Impossible! Come on.

Sir, how long is it? I asked him to adjudicate - independent witness.

Exactly ten minutes by my watch I've eaten - egg and chips, and a jam tart.

Impossible!

Shall I tell you why? Pacing. That's what it's all about.

Oh, you had to fly off and grab an early lead.

I'd lost you before Belford. No, you were always in my sights.

Exactly ten minutes. So, you are two minutes ahead, but I am exactly where I planned to be.

I s'pose what I did was ease up with no-one in sight.

I didn't want to humiliate you

No danger of that now. Want owt to eat?

No, I think I'll crack on. I don't want to tighten up.

Two minutes? Aye. This gentleman will make sure I'm fair.

Two minutes. Right. Right.

Where's the next checkpoint? Er .. Fenwick Station. Right. I'll wait.

Hang on.

One fifty...one fifty-five... two minutes.

No sign. He didn't look happy when we passed him. No stamina

Hasn't got my staying power or will to win. Or my lorry.

Fancy another pint? No, must crack on. Pie? Crisps

No. You'll drop us at Fenwick Station? Aye.

Don't forget these. Aye. Fill me water bottles.

There's no sign of anyone! Not surprised, place like this

The ticket office is all shut up.

Oh, there'll just be one bloke to do the lot.

Probably having a kip or is on his allotment watering his begonias.

There's a fire on, so he can't be that far.

Can't be a bad job, but. Pop out a few times a day, blow a whistle, rest of the time's your own.

Can't be many trains. In Berwick, we could've got one

We didn't get to Berwick, did we? Is there a shop? Did you find one?

There's a post office - closed Station master must be having an affair with the post mistress!

Right, right.

She'll have put up "position closed" and rushed to the elicit arms of her uniformed lover.

Up here, they'd have to meet in secret. They're probably doing it on his allotment.

Consummating the union between British Rail and the Post Office. Cries of ecstasy from the radishes.

Theirs was a wild love! Untamed

Bloody inconvenient if you want a train or a postal order!

Hope there's a buffet on that train. I'm starving!

Ooh, I'm stiffening up, an' all

I can't straighten up! I CANNOT straighten up!

I'm not too bad, apart from the nausea, a blinding headache and a lack of feeling in my left buttock.

Who invented the saddle?! I hope I can still have children!

Think how many cells have died today, how many hours we've taken off our lives.

We've been a bit daft. It's you Bob. You've this reluctance to accept things the way they are.

It wasn't getting to Berwick. It was trying to recapture your past.

You have got to accept, however painful it may be,

you have got accept you will never be Martin Peters or Ilie Nastase.

Just as once we had to force you to accept that you'd never be Biggles.

I haven't given up on Biggles.

After today, I can accept I'll never be a Tour de France cyclist. Not with brown ale instead of water.

You'll not get me on a saddle again. Nor me. I'll stick to badminton. Snooker, me.

Maybe I'll just be a fanatical spectator.

It's no good. You have got to make sacrifices as you get older.

For the rest of my life, I'll give up exercise.

Hello. Oh, visitors.

When's the next train?

Better than they thought. They forecast rain.

The post mistress can't be fussy. Ssh.

It's due, mind. Rain. It's on the way. Yes.

When's the next train south? Oh, Monday morning.

WHAT?! We've got to get back tonight!

What? Oh, no, there's nothing tomorrow, you know, Sunday.

Monday. Come on, man, we've got to get back!

We can't get stuck here. I've got no trousers. It's gonna rain.

There MUST be a train to Newcastle! We've just GOT to get back there!

Well, you're lucky. Lucky?! Lucky?!

Lucky you've got them bicycles

Subtitles by Sharon Backer, TPL for BBC Subtitling, 1996