Some Day We'll Laugh about This Whatever Happened to the Likely Lads?

# Oh, what happened to you?

# Whatever happened to me?

# What became of the people we used to be?

# Tomorrow's almost over

# Today went by so fast

# Is the only thing to look forward to...

# The past? #

I got you a nice bit of cake and some ham. It looks really nice.

Shall I make sandwiches? No. A cup of tea's lovely.

HAMMERING

What's that? Terry's putting up shelves.

Then he's doing that landing window. Peace offering, is it?

I should think so too. I've never been so embarrassed

There's tea here if you want it

I'm getting the washing in.

I've NEVER been so embarrassed

Is it sugared?

Do you want a sandwich? No, thanks. Where's Mam?

In the back yard, avoiding you

Oh, you've heard.

Yes, I have and me mam's very upset.

I know. God, it was embarrassing!

Who was she? Just a lass I know

Works in the sweet factory. I've known her a while.

I hope so judging by what was going on.

I thought they'd be in bed.

Just my luck ` Mam wins at bingo and goes out to celebrate. Typical!

My number comes up and so does HERS. Elsie came back, and Mrs Arkwright.

Snooty sow. Since her cousin was on "Down Your Way", she thinks she's Isobel bloody Barnett.

DOOR SLAMS

They went in the front room to impress Mrs Arkwright.

When has anybody used that room

Nobody has since the coronation

Mam takes the vicar in there and the Avon lady.

Not at night-time! I found a copy of Picture Post under the cushion.

You live here. Don't abuse the house.

I'm a man! Hell, I've been married.

And a man has...appetites.

Well, you should eat out.

I've got no place to go.

That's me problem, apart from me hair falling out

What were you doing? Not reading the Picture Post.

How far had things...well, you know. We'd passed the point of no return.

Mrs Arkwright needed smelling salts.

The poor lass was none too nonchalant.

Hello, Audrey.

I believe you dropped this, pet

He's dropped enough lately. Anything unusual?

A man has appetites. Here, have a strong mint.

A cup of tea, Bob? No thanks, pet.

How's Thelma? She's fine.

We're going away for the weekend. Where to?

We're going skiing in Scotland Friday to Tuesday, ?25 all in

Skiing again? You ARE getting keen.

Your honeymoon didn't put you off? He came back in plaster.

How many times does it have to be said? I did not do that skiing

I did it on the aeroplane steps

Are you any good?

My instructor says I'm talented He sends me off on long runs.

You know why, surely? While you were off in the distance, he was pulling your Thelma.

He's jealous cos he he's never been skiing or done anything like that.

It's of no interest to me whatsoever. I do the sports I enjoy.

As Mrs Arkwright can testify.

Ooh, what's this? Nothing for your ears!

Mam brought people back and he was on the sitting-room floor seducing a sweet wrapper.

Sweet wrapper. My word!

She's not a sweet wrapper, thank you. She's a cut above that.

She's a rock breaker.

In prison, is she? She breaks rock into foot-long lengths.

Where do you find them? Do you hang around the trading estate

Last week, she was an egg packer.

Canny lass. She really fancied me. Go to work on an egg!

She thought I was one of the best ` she stamped a little lion on me bum.

You're so crude, it's a wonder you can get girls at all.

Well, I can't. Not in this house.

I'm off. Righto, pet.

Love to Thelma. Have a good weekend.

Righto, Aud. Regards to Ern.

Hey, who was the girl you were with on Tuesday?

When? Tuesday. We saw you out of the car window.

She was wobbling along on her heels.

That's her, Pamela. Right, yes She looked like a rock breaker

Hello, Bob. Hello, Mrs C.

You do look smart.

You look well. How's Thelma? Fine.

How's the new house? It's coming along.

But there's so much to do and what with work and night school ..

I have to creosote the fence and... I can't tell you. I've been doing a lot, haven't I?

You've done well. You must be a comfort to your mother.

She must be proud of you.

You know, you are a great credit to your mother and to your Thelma.

They must both be very proud of you.

Pardon?

Working the way you do, and getting the house together

even though you have to go to work.

I don't know how you do it. I couldn't.

Then I lead such an aimless life.

I haven't got your...you know.. You're a model to us all, Bob.

Am I? Certainly.

Do you know what would give me pleasure? Give me satisfaction?

Helping you.

Somehow making a contribution to help you make that lovely new home of yours.

How do you mean?

For example, take this weekend

Wouldn't it be nice to come back and find those boring jobs done

Course it would. I could do 'em

That's one of the things I meant, you see?

The fence, the re-wiring. Well, I...

No, I won't hear of payment. It's reward enough.

I'll get the keys in the morning.

What? I'll get the keys tomorrow.

Do you take me for a clown?

Pardon?

You think I'd fall for that rubbish?

I don't think I quite follow.

"To contribute to your new house would give me great satisfaction."

I bet! With a succession of rock packers and egg breakers.

I've made you a sincere offer of help.

Don't deny it was for your own ends. To get your own ends away, in fact.

Does it matter? I'll have my way but I'll creosote your fence first.

What about the neighbours and property values?

You'd have the fence done, the garden turned over,

your new kitchen cupboards up..

There is a hell of a lot to do

There's a can opener to go up and a new dimmer in the bedroom

No trouble! Thelma would never have to know

She needn't. It'll be a surprise!

The cleaner doesn't come till Tuesday, and the Lawsons are away so you couldn't upset them.

If, I'm saying IF I agree, promise to leave the house immaculate

You won't do anything that would harm my standing in the community?

I promise, Bob. All right then, I'll give you a key. I must be mad!

Listen, Terry. About your women I mean...you will be on the Elm Lodge housing estate

I'm sick of everybody talking about my women as if they were deck hands.

They're canny lasses you'd be proud to take anywhere or meet anybody.

I'm sure they're sweet, enchanting well-educated young ladies.

Just don't take them up to my house in daylight.

WHISTLING

Mornin', my little treasure. Ooh! Oh, is it?

Hello, Terry.

I caught you, didn't I?

So Thelma's your little treasure, is she?

It's true, you milkmen go around whirring your way into housewives' affections.

It beats the sheet-metal foundry. Little treasure. Caught you!

What are you doing here? Carpentry, my son.

Marriage hasn't split you and Bob up.

Is she in the spare and you're in with Bob?

The Ferrises are skiing with the jetset in the Grampians.

So one pint, thank you.

You're staying here, are you? Trying out estate living.

I was woken by the mass chokes of 1,000 family saloons.

Everything's the same here ` every house.

If I go to the shop, I leave a trail to find my way back.

Why are you staying here, then

Ahh, this might turn out to be a little, semi-detached sexual haven.

My house has got character but it's also got parents and thin walls.

These walls aren't thick. You'd know.

We have our moments. There's a security for milkmen `

freer than postmen, more reliable than salesmen, cleaner than coal men.

The lad on the ice-cream van plays a perky tune.

Lionel? The fellas converting people to gas are on to a good thing too, always coming back to fix things!

More goes on than meets the eye

Why not go to the launderette tonight?

Not tonight, Les, I'm getting steamed up in my own way.

Who's this with? Never you mind

Just leave an extra pint in the morning. Ahh.

They seem a nice type of person here.

The Mackenzies are nice. Dan and Kathleen.

The old magic's still there.

They live near us, the Maple Park estate.

He must be doing terribly well

After Norway, I'll be further ahead than most

He must be doing terribly well. Who?

Dan Mackenzie. He'll be no better than me. He's not been in Norway.

I mean his income, darling.

What a lovely house they've got We have too.

We will have when you do those jobs.

They'll all be done by next weekend. How can they be?

How? Yes, er, well...

I've promised myself to get everything done.

Ah, that'll be lovely.

Then we can have people round for dinner parties. I miss it, you know?

What?

Home. I love going away, but I love getting back.

PHONE RINGS I'll go.

Hello. Oh, hello, Mum.

No, we're fine. He hasn't hurt himself at all yet.

What? The house? What's wrong?

Mum went round with some curtain material.

What?

Who?

Doing what? Who with? Just a minute. WHERE are you going?

I just thought I'd...er...

I'd just...pop down to the heated indoor pool, as it said in the brochure,

and drown myself.

KNOCK

To what do I owe this privilege

Mam says you're not staying at someone's house without clean pyjamas.

There's no milk for tea. He hasn't come. I don't know what he's up to.

What were YOU up to last night What? I know.

How? God, there's not much privacy on these estates.

Was it the same girl? Yes.

How was I to know Thelma's mother would come round with new curtains?

She didn't knock. She's got a key. God preserve us!

God preserve me!

You can't abuse people's houses

I didn't! I'd finished them cupboards and creosoted half the bloody fence. People should knock.

Bob says it musn't happen again He phoned you? I'm under surveillance.

Hasn't he rung you? Hourly. It musn't happen again.

That girl never wants to see me again. She's a nervous wreck

She thinks it's a conspiracy.

Every time she tries to grab a little...happiness, people barge in.

Before Mrs Chambers, there was a stream of interruptions.

Somebody with a petition about the grass verges. They are in a state.

The curate in bicycle clips with a tin for the Wildlife Fund.

I nearly creosoted him.

That's Rev Pellin. Ginger hair

Probably. Kids wanting to wash cars. Payment for the Methodist Weekly.

A woman wanted to know if I had a front-loading automatic.

I wish I had, I'd have shot her

You need to get your own place.

It's lucky you've got clean pyjamas ` all the spectators you get, you need them!

I'm going. Mornin'!

Don't you want tea? I haven't got time.

Don't go. He ordered this specially. I beg your pardon.

Not bad. Mature, but it's all there, isn't it?

That's my sister, you fool.

Really? Sorry. Where does she live?

Sycamore. That's Norman's turf

Where's your little treasure?

We're not talking about that. Oh, dear! Went sour, did it?

Like your milk. It's all on this estate, if you're on the pull.

I'm not interested. I've got to keep me nose clean and work.

I'm under surveillance, aren't I?

My sister and Thelma's mum are taking shifts, with a telescope on me door and me bed bugged.

More's the pity cos there's a lot of it about.

Just up the road, number 39. Oh-hoh! What do you mean?

You're on a promise there, Terry. Honest. Number 39.

No. Me system wouldn't take it

I'll always make love looking over me left shoulder.

As you like. Want a cup of tea

No, I won't. I'm a bit behind.

There are other things in life, Les, than nooky.

DOOR CLOSES

Like carpentry or creosoting.

Ohh.

Here's your razor. Oh, thanks, pet.

You leave everything ` the sponge bag in Cyprus last year.

You nearly left the travelling clock.

It never works abroad. I don't think it travels well.

What are you wearing to go back in? Well, I'm just going back like this.

So people know you've been skiing? I have been.

The pride of the nursery slopes .. also the veteran. What do you mean?

Everyone else went on to steeper things. I only stayed to keep you company.

I held you back? The Mackenzies did the slalom.

They were limping last night and sat the discotheque out in agony.

Which is more than you were doing. What do you mean?

You were fluent on the dance floor with that Morag.

Who? The children's nurse from Peebles.

Oh, her. Well, yes... What's wrong? Don't you like her?

I just think she's a bit uninhibited for a children's nurse from Peebles.

She'd be restrained in the nursery.

There are lots of single girls I hadn't noticed.

They've always had someone to dance with.

You had more exercise dancing than skiing.

The reason I'm in such demand is I'm the only limp-free male here!

The dining room was a casualty ward.

The Lowries ` broken arm. Him with the moustache ` bruised tendons.

The honeymoon couple in the annexe ` groin strain.

That might not be the skiing. Ho! Ho!

You won't get groin strain.

You've fallen asleep straightaway.

It's the fresh air, isn't it? And dancing.

You seemed content rabbiting to that Charles. He's most amusing.

You don't laugh at my jokes. It's the WAY he told them.

With his tongue in your ear.

You were hardly aloof with Janet. I was sociable.

What did you write on her plaster?

It was a joke! She tried very hard to rub it off as they limped to bed.

Thelma, you've been in a foul mood this weekend.

Whose fault's that? It's been impossible for me to relax.

I know, but according to the latest bulletin, nothing untoward's occurred since he...er...

He's done the fence. The back fence is gleaming.

And he's only been out for a paper,

and there's been no female visitors except that big Jehovah's Witness,

and even Terry wouldn't leap on her.

What's he done under cover of night? That girl from the sweet factory...

All right, we'll search the bed for toffee papers!

DOORBELL Oh, God! Now what?

It's open. Let yourself through

They'll want to know what washing powder I use.

Mr Ferris? He's not here. What is it?

Sorry to disturb you. I saw you through the window. I need a man.

Pardon?

The only other one around, next door, isn't very... you know, after his illness.

Isn't he? I... What exactly...?

My bathroom tap has stuck. I can t turn it on. I need a strong arm

I'm sorry but I'm tied up. It wouldn't take long.

They're back today and all the floorboards are up in their bedroom.

I'd be ever so grateful. Perhaps later. Where do you live?

Just up the road. Number 39.

I'll get me wrench.

HORN HOOTS

Home again. Ooh, the light looks lovely.

Terry's finished the cupboard, he's put a plug on the mixer and the can opener's up.

Isn't the light lovely? It's super.

Doesn't it go well? I'm amazed

All that worry about what he'd be getting up to. I wonder where he is.

Take the cases up and I'll make tea.

Right. He can't be far, his jacket's there.

I must admit I owe an apology to Terry and to you, pet.

I take back all I said. He's been a true friend.

The house looks lovely. Everything's done and not a thing's out of place.

Agghh!

Right. It's fixed. You can have your bath now.

Bless you! Say when. When! When!

Women's Lib's fine but for some things you need a man.

Yes, well. Cheers.

That's a nice cocktail cabinet

Mmm. Arnold made it ` my husband.

It's his hobby, woodwork. That and model aircraft.

That's interesting. Do you think so?

It's immature for a man to spend all his time making model airplanes.

He stinks of balsa wood and glue.

Still, it is nice to have a hobby.

It's more. It's an obsession.

He hasn't spoken to me for two weeks since I stood on his Flying Fortress.

What does he do for a living, like?

He's a rep, in pet foods. I suppose there are worse jobs

So, then...he travels about a bit, does he?

Oh, yes. He's got a very big area.

Sometimes... he's away for days on end.

Oh?

He'll be back tonight, though. Oh.

But not till eight.

Oh?

Listen, don't let me hold you up. There's no mad rush.

I'm keeping you from the floorboards. They won't be moving.

Are you like my husband, always doing jobs around the house?

No, carpentry is an interest, not an obsession.

What are your obsessions?

The same as your average, healthy male ` sex and football

In what order? Depends what day of the week it is.

You mean, Saturday it'd be football?

Obviously.

Course, er, today's Tuesday.

Are there any midweek fixtures? Nothing's definitely arranged.

I bet you're Sagittarius. I'm what?

Your sign. You're very direct, aren't you?

Yes, very direct, but as a matter of fact I'm Piss-keys.

No! I would have never thought that.

They do say Piss-keys people just drift along on the thermal currents of life

What does that mean? You drift around and take whatever comes along.

That sounds like me.

I am free and unattached. And you don't smell of balsa wood.

WATER GUSHES

The name's Terry. Sandra. Nice to meet you.

Oh, my God! What, lovey, what?

I forgot to turn the tap off.

Oh!

Welcome home!

I warned you.

I warned you! We did not do this skiing.

We did not do this skiing!

WE DID NOT DO THIS SK-I-I-I-I-ING!

Oh, you're back. Wah-hah!

Terry said you went skiing.

I didn't do this skiing. Resume the two pints and strawberry yoghurt.

Oh, right.

Did YOU order the Methodist Weekly?

Grapefruit or orange juice? Pardon, darling? Grapefruit or orange?

Oh, um... Oh, come on, Thelma. Give us a smile. Don't be upset

Why should I be? You're hurt, I'm concussed and there's a hole in the bloody ceiling.

I know, darling, I know that I know but his intentions were good.

Look at the can opener and the cupboard. I daren't open it.

He did the garden and the fence looks lovely.

You said all that yourself before... before... A grapefruit, please.

I don't want you to exaggerate the problems.

Some day we'll laugh about this

The plasterers are coming.

They'll fix it and we won't know anything happened.

Don't you want your juice? I'm not thirsty.

It's only me.

Can I...?

Come in. Can he come in, Thelma If he must.

I came round to say I was sorry and hoped you were both all right.

Fine! Some day we'll laugh about it.

Does he want tea? Tea? Well, I. .

Or would he rather fruit juice No? No?

No. No, no, I wouldn't. Just tea, please. Just tea, please.

Apart from all this, did you have a nice weekend?

You both look well, apart from the...and the...

DOORBELL That will be the plasterers.

Look, Thelma. I'm very sorry.

I got the jobs done ` everything you wanted.

It's just I was out when you got back.

I only popped across the road to... THUD

Now what?

I've just been punched in the face. Who by?

Arnold Upton from number 39 said he was paying me back for the ceiling.