In Harm's Way Whatever Happened to the Likely Lads?

# Oh, what happened to you?

# Whatever happened to me?

# What became of the people

# We used to be?

# Tomorrow's almost over

# Today went by so fast

# Is the only thing to look forward to

# The past? #

Bye-bye, pet. Take care. Good morning.

My! Had an accident, have you?

Whatever gave you that idea(?)

Now, drive carefully, pet.

Aye, I think she better! Ha, ha!

Sorry I'm late. I was at the dentist. I need a filling so I have to go again. How was your weekend skiing?

Oh!

I didn't do it skiing. How, then? It was an accident in the home.

Of course, Terry was at the bottom of it. The foot of it!

Pardon? Nothing. Oh, what happened to your eye?

No comment. My boyfriend, Gordon, had a black eye. I've got lots of work and I haven't had my coffee.

I had to go to the dentist. I WAS in pain. Nothing like my pain.

You came back from your honeymoon with that foot in plaster.

I didn't do that skiing. I'm a good skier.

But it's ironical. What? That every time you go skiing, you get hurt.

But you don't do it skiing. It's funny.

Yes, it's bloody hysterical(!)

Swear box!

It's only 2p for a B-L-O-O-D-Y. I might need some credit today

It owes you 8p, then. Right. What did they say it is?

It could be ligaments. At least nothing's broken.

It's serious. It could finish a football career.

But it's not as serious in the building trade.

A physio-bloody-therapist now, are we? 6p it owes you.

Is the kettle boiled? My boyfriend, Gordon, had cartilage. It's worse than ligaments.

We were going scrambling in Blackburn. Blackburn's in Lancashire.

I know where bloody Blackburn is! 4p!

I was on the back of his moped. Near Kendal, he skidded to avoid a cow.

I was OK as I was wearing a crash helmet, even though it wasn't compulsory then.

But Gordon fell awkwardly and did his cartilage.

And the cow?

It was unscathed. That's a relief(!)

But Gordon bore the consequences for several months. He had to give up football.

He was the leading goal scorer for the Sunday Methodist league

He couldn't dance or ride his moped cos he couldn't get his leg over.

Do you purposely try to provoke me, Wendy? What do you mean?

Every conversation we have is about your Gordon! Everything I've done, he's done first!

Being the Methodists' top scorer doesn't make him Sports Personality of the Year. I'm up to here with it.

I've been meaning to say something for ages. What?

Hang on, hang on. I'll pay in advance.

Your Gordon...

Morning! Is this the wrong time? No, the right time!

Before SOME of us say things we'll regret!

Just cos SOME of us have ligaments!

Nothing compared to cartilage!

What's up with her? Stupid girl Don't take your mood out on her. KETTLE WHISTLES

The kettle's boiled. Shall I do the honours? Eee, she... Now, now!

She's not to blame for your injury. We know who is, don't we? Indirectly.

Indirectly! Do you take sugar? You know I don't. How is it you always feature in all my misfortunes?

What a thing to say. How is it you're the cause of my anguish?

What a thing to say. Drink that while it's hot.

BLOODY HELL! BLOODY HELL! 4p!

YOU'RE FIRED!

I'm sorry, kid. It was an accident. Leave it alone! Don't you touch it!

I said it was an accident.

It's very unkind to say that I am the cause of all your misfortunes.

All right, last weekend, you looked after my house just for the weekend, as I was away.

As a result, there's a hole in the living room ceiling, plaster on the carpet and Thelma has concussion.

I have strained ligaments, and a neighbour and ex-friend has hit me because you seduced his wife.

Yes, but... It's not a question of "Yes, but". How much of a catalogue of catastrophe do you need?

She seduced me.

WHO did WHAT to WHOM and HOW is academic.

The point is, I, as usual, have to suffer the consequences of your immoral behaviour.

He'll never speak to me again. Who? Mr Upton, the neighbour. We were quite good friends.

He'd help me service the car. Oh? He'd lend me a grease gun. Yes? I'll have to buy my own now.

I'm sorry my immoral behaviour means you have to buy a grease gun.

And for the ceiling, for which you seem to think I'm partly to blame.

Partly? You're totally responsible! Look, I'll pay for any damages you claim I am responsible for

Send me a bill. I'll pay my way

What with? Pardon? What with? What will you pay your way with?

You'll get your money! You will

In here is what you've borrowed from me in the last month.

On the 5th, ?6 towards a new raincoat,

which we've yet to see.

18th - ?8. Reason undisclosed.

21st - ?10 to take out Clare Daly. 22nd - ?3 for flowers, to apologise to Clare Daly.

I'm temporarily out of funds..

You're permanently out of funds With most people, the solution is simple. They go out and work

And where do I get work? Do you know the number of unemployed?

Don't you know we are in a slump? Don't you know there's an energy crisis?

You've got the energy crisis. Look at the state of Britain's economy!

It's my economy I worry for - the strain you put on it!

This injury has brought your nasty side out. It has to be said, Terry.

If there's a slump, it's because people like you draw dole to cover their beer, bets and billiards

Your mother keeps you. And you live off your Audrey. Or you come for free coffee and my biscuits. Right!

That's it, I won't be round for coffee any more! It has to be said.

Well, you said it, you've made it clear. You'll get your money, every penny, even your rotten biscuits.

Don't worry. I won't be a burden on your economy any longer! OR your friendship!

Oh, God!

I'll just gather up some of my things if I may. What? Cos I'm fired.

I said it in the heat of the moment.

You said lots today in the heat of the moment. I'm in pain!

Oh, look, I'm sorry, Wendy. I'm sorry, really. All right, Bob.

Do you accept my apology? Yes, Bob.

It would take more than this to come between us, don't you think? Yes. I won't mention Gordon again.

It's not him, it's the bloody swear box.

BLOODY HELL! BLOODY HELL!

It's about your benefit, Mr Collier.

Oh? Am I getting a rise, pet? We'll have to stop it.

What? WHAT?

I've warned you before, Mr Collier. Benefit is only paid if we are unable to place you in employment.

But we can place you. Or, at least, offer you the chance.

But you don't accept them, or you don't turn up for interview,

or you're rude to them, as you were at Ramsey Electrics recently. I wasn't.

Mr Llewellyn said you were.

He was rude to me. Only after you called him "a humourless Welsh pig".

He was. I couldn't work with a man like that.

It is thought that you intentionally provoke antagonism in order to avoid the danger of being offered a job.

Well, that's not true. That's just my nature. I'm forthright, you see. I've always antagonised people

Mr Thompson of Tyne Electronics said you had a surly disposition.

Mr Lyle of JC Braithwaite found you offensive.

And Mr Snowdon of Beacon Instruments called you a born troublemaker.

I can't help being forthright.

You're a tradesman, and we can place you in your trade. I don't want that. I want something new.

You tried that one when you asked for a job in PR. What's wrong with that?

You're not qualified and I doubt you know what it is.

I just don't want to go back to what I've always done. I want a fresh start, something else.

You'll have to take an unskilled job until something else turns up.

Look, Miss Dixon, you're an understanding woman, sympathetic, and, if I may say so,

speaking forthrightly, a very attractive woman.

I've often wondered what a woman as attractive as you is doing working here.

You'd be more suited for the stage, or modelling.

I suppose your sense of duty made you reject the bright lights.

But, being the person you are, you must understand the problems that face a man like me.

I mean, what chance has a man got?

With me, Mr Collier, none at all.

Thanks a bunch, you humourless Scottish cow.

I do not need a wheelchair, Thelma. I'm not bloody Ironside.

Bob, please watch your tongue. There's a nun over there with a broken arm.

Why's a nun got a broken arm? Not very active, are they? Bob, sshh!

Maybe she thought she was the flying nun and fell out the window.

You've been so rude since this leg. I'm in pain. When shall I get you?

I'll be here hours. NHS - there won't be a doctor around.

They'll be having a singsong or playing rugby. I'll ring and find out what's what. OK? Bye.

This is our rest room. Very cosy !)

If you're skiving, don't come here - they'll find you.

Try the boiler room behind Physiotherapy. But look out for Sister Kennedy. Which one's she?

You can't miss her. She's the enemy.

Do we eat with the nurses? Yes but there's not much fraternising. They all want doctors, not porters.

I'm only a temporary porter. I'm skilled - a tradesman.

What trade? Electrician.

Good lad! Here, you can fix that kettle of ours

Why are you here, if you have a trade?

Oh, I'm just waiting for another position more suitable for my qualifications,

but till then, I want to do something worthy.

It's a sense of service, of duty, to help those who can't help themselves.

There's a fella out there wants wheeling to X-ray.

Can't he wheel himself? This is our tea-break. Fine sense of service(!) Now, shift yourself!

Florence Nightingale(!) Dear me

It's my mate! Can't you wheel him to X-ray?

I don't want him to see me working here - not as a porter. What's wrong with being a porter?

It's different for you, being a head porter. But I'm a skilled man.

It's different for you an' all. No offence, but for you lot it's driving buses or frying hamburgers.

I mean, that's why you're here No, I'm here because I'm doing my PhD at Durham University. Pardon?

So, I work here to supplement my grant. Oh.

When I did my degree in Sociology at Cambridge, I worked in a hospital. I enjoy the atmosphere.

And meeting nurses. Bully for you, Sidney Poitier(!

There's a patient out there, waiting to go to X-ray.

- He's just going. - Don't "just go", go!

You two, come with me.

National Health! Be here for hours!

You could die in here waiting. Problems could set in.

I say, you could die in here. Lots of people do.

Oh, I didn't mean that. I meant the time it takes.

Shall I tell you something? Yes. I'm 68 and these teeth are all me own.

Really? Aye, all me original first teeth.

Fantastic. I hope when I'm your age, I'll have your teeth. They're mine!

No, I didn't mean that, I meant... Oh, we're off. Bye.

68, and all me own! Ha, ha!

It's not infectious, you know. Ha, ha!

Still, I suppose you can't be too careful in a hospital. All them germs around.

That old lady was 68 and still had her own teeth.

Why are you wearing that mask?

Hey, steady on!

Bob. Oh!

Hello, Terry. Hello, kidda, I brought you these. Thanks.

Shall I put them in here? No, that's for... Oh.

Put them down. The nurse'll do them.

Are you OK? Looks pretty serious. I've just got to keep it up. I'm under observation, you see

What are you doing here? I knew you were coming here today and I wanted to catch you.

Why? Well...a lot of things were said yesterday.

Unnecessary things - it wasn't all your fault.

But I thought we should try and clear the air.

But the flowers? Ah...when I enquired about you, they said you'd been er... Admitted.

Yes, so I popped across the road to that barrow and got you those.

I know it was extravagant and I should have given you the three pounds to take off what I owe you...

No, no, it was most kind, Terry

I'm sorry things were said. It was unfair to blame you for my misfortunes.

I mean, I can't blame you for this one, eh?

No.

This was the fault of some masked maniac.

Get away! Yes, I did this in here.

And this.

How did that happen? I hit a tea urn.

That is scalding hot tea, that is. Have you...er...complained, like?

Oh, yes, but who's listening? But you're comfortable?

I wish they'd lower it. It strains my back. Shall I have a look and... No, don't touch it!

All right. Now, is there anything I can get you? No, Thelma's on her way.

Thanks for those. Sorry things were said, but it was for your own good.

I know. And I went down the labour today.

But all there is are unskilled jobs like working at the rope factory,

or portering...for BR. I've got pride. You can't expect me to...

No, no, of course not. Quite! On the other hand, there is a case...

Case for what? For swallowing one's pride. Sometimes one has to take a menial task. Sometimes one...

One! You mean I might have to take a menial task. As things are. As I'm in debt to you.

Not a question of being in debt, a question of standing on one's own two feet. More than you can manage!

I'm just trying to say that, over the years...

you've leaned on me too much. I've carried you.

YOU'VE carried ME? Yes. From early on.

At school, I covered up for your truancy. You never did homework. You copied mine in the bus.

When we had exams at evening class, you copied off me in the lavatory.

We failed those exams.

At least I failed by my own efforts.

I failed by your efforts! If I'd passed, I wouldn't be stuck now. It's your doing.

How come the blame's ended up on me again?

Oh, I'd better get off. Back to the rope factory. I'll just take these.

My flowers? I'll see about some water. I'll get a jug.

It's nothing I've said? No, you're quite right. I'll see you.

I'll let your wife come in, although it's not visiting hours. Thanks.

I'm sorry about all this. But don't worry - I'll get to the bottom of it.

Or the foot of it! What?

Very funny(!) It's good to see you can smile in the face of adversity.

I've got to. What a week! I just hope I'm not in here for ever.

You know how hospitals are. Pardon?

No, I meant you'll need the bed won't you, for the less lucky?

Bob! Bob! Don't worry, dear, it s not half as bad as it looks. Just as long as he keeps it perfectly still.

What on earth's happened, pet?

Thelma, you're not going to believe this.

There was a masked maniac.

Oh, what are you wanting, Florence? Er...nothing.

Get those for Sister Kennedy, did you? Why?

She's been conducting enquiries. Eh? Don't worry, we didn't say nowt. Cheers. Where's your coat? What

Get it, go to the kitchens and take the teas round.

Oh, right, I'll...er...just put these in water.

Skilled man, huh!

Terry came in. You've just missed him.

I thought you'd had words. He came in to make up. He brought flowers.

Did he? That was kind. What a nice gesture.

Well, where are they?

He took them away again. Had more words, did you?

No, he went to find a vase and water. We had this row.

You know how difficult it is to give him advice.

But I think he took it all in. I think he'll knuckle under. What a blessing that would be.

Ooh! What's the matter, pet?

It's this leg, love. I wish they'd lower it. Oh.

Oh...excuse me!

Hang on, it's him, that's the masked maniac!

Sshh, silly. They all dress like that in hospitals.

Er...excuse me, could you spare a moment?

My husband's in some discomfort I think it's just a question of lowering it a fraction.

Just a fraction.

BLOODY HELL! BLOODY HELL!

Hello. Thelma asked me to bring this up for you. Thanks.

I'd have come earlier, but I've been at work. You?

A temporary job. Where? Oh, this place. What place?

Nowhere. I've left now - I upset people. But how are you?

I'm still in pain, Terry, I am

Well, Thelma said you're all right. How does she know?

If it was serious, you'd still be in hospital. I discharged myself.

Did you? Yes. If I'd stayed in, I might never have walked again

I thought you got better in hospital, not worse. I met this old lady.

She was 68 and had all her own teeth. I bet by now, she hasn't a tooth in her head.

As long as there's nothing seriously wrong.

You don't know what I've been through the last few days

Somebody up there hates me. God, in His infinite wisdom, has decided to punish me.

He sent a masked emissary to taunt me. I don't know why. I'm decent enough.

I pay my rates. And my parking tickets.

You're giving yourself a complex. Yes, maybe.

Seeing masked men! Was it the Lone Ranger? He was real.

You've been overdoing it, mate. You've been working too hard.

I was reading somewhere, in this country, 10% of people have a mental disorder.

Fantastic when you think about it. Take a football team, even Leeds. On average, one of them is barmy.

I can believe that. Of course, it varies. Take that Italian team, Lazio. They're all raving lunatics.

Yes, Terry, I could be losing my mind. Peace and quiet you need, Bob. I advise complete rest.

Lend us some money. Why? It's Dicko's going-away party.

Oh, I was going to that. Peace and rest, Bob. You've been overdoing it.

Something we can't accuse you of.

Ah, but I'll not be the one in ten that goes round the twist. Masked emissaries - dear me!

NRRGGHHH! ARGGHHH! THELMA!

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