Affairs and Relations Whatever Happened to the Likely Lads?

# What happened to you?

# Whatever happened to me?

# What became of the people

# We used to be?

# Tomorrow's almost over

# Today went by so fast

# Is the only thing to look forward to

# The past? #

INAUDIBLE

Cheers, pet. Have one yourself.

-No, I'm all right. For the moment.

-Ah, well - cheers!

Cheers. Here for the weekend?

-Aye, with my mate, going fishing.

-I hope you get a nibble.

Well, we all do, don't we?

-Did you get through?

-Yes. This mine?

-Yeah.

-Why did you phone Thelma?

-To say we arrived, and not to worry.

Did you give her all the highlights of our 35-minute car journey?

-I just asked her how she was.

-What could possibly have happened in an hour?

-How stupid!

-That's when you last saw her!

I'm referring to your remark - what can happen in an hour? Pearl Harbour happened in an hour!

How long do earthquakes take, or tidal waves, or monsoons?

All right, all right, but it's unlikely that Thelma's been bombed,

or that Japanese warships are steaming up the Tyne!

-It'll be a great weekend if you're in a mood.

-It's you that's in a mood!

Not a smile, even when that lorry crushed the vicar's moped - not a titter!

Nor when we saw the district nurse on her bike and glimpsed her navy camiknicker.

When I drive, I don't spend the journey giggling,

and looking out for glimpses of navy camiknicker.

-It'll be a great weekend if you're in this mood!

-It's you. You bug me.

I'm sorry.

-We came for a weekend's fishing. That's what we'll have.

-Absolutely!

-We shall land the biggest trout in the history of angling!

-To the fishing!

-To the fishing!

How long is it since we did this?

It was before I went into the army. I haven't had my rod out since then.

Well, no, I haven't... Worr! Not since before I got married.

Well, you can't keep everything up!

-What do you mean?

-What do you mean, what do I mean?

-You were inferring!

-I wasn't!

-You were!

I meant that when you marry you give some things the elbow. It's expected.

That's marriage. It should be in the vows - I promise to honour, obey, and never enjoy myself again.

You're bugging me! I've begun to enjoy life now I'm married!

My life is one continual round of joy and merriment.

There wasn't much joy when you said goodbye to Thelma tonight.

You're bugging me again - mentioning Thelma!

I'm sorry - I didn't mean to!

I'm honestly trying to think of nothing but fishing,

but that stuffed trout up there reminds me of Thelma.

-What's the matter with your friend?

-Wife trouble.

-Oh. Are YOU married?

-Not any more. Are you?

-Not any more.

-We don't get THAT now.

-Don't get a LOT of things now!

TERRY GARGLES

-You got through, did you?

-Yes, thank you.

The earthquake hasn't struck yet?

I simply rang to remind Thelma to put the catch on the back door!

To halt marauding Japanese sailors?

-Have you finished here?

-Yes, thanks.

-Out my way, please.

-Am I bugging you?

-Yes, you are!

-Which bed d'you want?

Mbleughlmm.

-When you've done with Thelma, d'you take the window or the door side?

-Mmm erbla bleughm.

-Oh - the sofa!

-Pardon?

-Did you book an early call, for the morning?

-Yes, six o'clock.

Six?!

We agreed! We came for the fishing and fresh air - to enjoy ourselves!

To enjoy ourselves! Joy and merriment!

-Which bed's yours?

-Up to you!

-I don't mind!

I'll go by the window. I'm used to it - quick escapes!

Oh, I shall sleep well tonight, after that meal.

It was a lovely steak! Very tender!

-Yours looked nice. What was it?

-Duck a la orange!

-Big helpings an' all!

-That trifle was good!

-And the cheese!

-She opened a tin.

-Pardon?

Thelma, when I rang - she'd opened a tin of something.

-Wasn't she hungry?

-It's not that. She said it to make me feel guilty.

-Maybe she hasn't got anything in.

-She has! She has tons of stuff in! She goes shopping every Friday.

She goes to the cash-and-carry, with a covered wagon.

Our cupboards are full of food you wouldn't believe!

She hoards food, like her mother - in case World War III breaks out.

Perhaps she just felt like a tin.

She said it to make me feel guilty.

Don't defend her. It does not become you!

Sorry, mate.

I do not feel guilty. I do NOT feel guilty.

Why should I feel guilty?

If a fellow can't just go fishing for a weekend once in a blue moon!

-It's not Paris! It's a 35-minute car ride!

-Yes, I know, I know.

I don't feel guilty. I only promised to take her to see her godmother in Hartlepool.

She's old, you see, never goes out.

In Hartlepool not many people dare go out!

It's Thelma she wants to she. If I was at home, she'd go alone, and I'd paper the bedroom.

-You had that to do, too?

-And fix the fridge, cos it broke again.

-That explains the tin!

-What?

-There'd be no fresh food, cos you didn't fix the fridge.

Don't YOU make me feel guilty! Whose side are you on? Don't defend Thelma. It does not become you!

Look, Bob - I am your friend and your fellow angler. My loyalties must lie with you!

I don't feel guilty. Why should I feel guilty?

Stop saying you don't feel guilty in that guilty voice!

I've been married. I've been through it. I had a wife. I'm no stranger to misery.

I will give you one piece of advice and from then on my lips are sealed.

-What advice?

-Well, early on, you set the pattern for the rest of your marriage.

Precedents are established.

It is very important to make sure these precedents are in YOUR favour.

You're only in the opening rounds, and at least you HAVE come away this weekend, and that is good.

That's forced Thelma to accept that, from time to time, on occasion, you'll go off and do your own thing,

whether it's fishing, football, or beer with the lads.

I have a beer with you most nights. I've established that precedent.

Quite right! Look at Norman Gordon! He hasn't been out since he married. He hasn't been near the Black Horse.

He's a shadow of his old self - busy papering a back bedroom as we speak.

Alan Boyle's doing his crazy paving.

Frank Clark's baby-sitting, and Barry Pringle's STILL converting his attic!

He'll die in the attic. He's obsessed, withdrawn from life!

Thelma met Pauline the other day. She said he never comes out. She sends meals up on a tray.

If you were married to Pauline, YOU'D stay in the attic.

-Is MY marriage like that?

-No, you told me. It's full of "joy and merriment."

So it is - mostly. But you're right. Precedents SHOULD be established.

I'm glad I came away to assert my masculinity.

She's perfectly able to go to Hartlepool alone, even in a violent age.

She's perfectly able to make a meal, and look after herself for one weekend. I mean - what can happen?

Well, if we're getting up at six, let's get some sleep. Good night.

I said goodnight! What's up?

Have you got 2p? I should ring her.

SIGHS

-Ta, love.

-Did you have a good day?

-Plenty of fresh air, not much else.

A few tiddlers. Lost my touch - haven't done it for years.

-Keep your hand in!

-It'll come back to me.

You should start doing it regularly.

-What were you two on about?

-Fishing, I think, but you never know with her!

-She keeps saying these things...

-You'll get nothing there!

-I gather you got through to Thelma.

-What do you mean?

-You're in a mood. Did you get through and wish you hadn't?

-I dunno. Sometimes she really...

-Bugs you?

Yes! "What are you doing?" she says. "What do you think? We're fishing."

What COULD I do, stuck in the Tyne in waders? Have sex with a trout?

Well, we couldn't even land one!

I said, "Dear heart, some occasions are for lads,

"that just lads like doing."

-What did she say?

-"Yes, and I know what lads like doing!"

I said, "This is just fresh air and fun and fishing, not fornication!"

Right, kid, right... Look at that!

-What?

-Her, just come in.

-Oh, yes. Not bad.

-Nice legs.

-Yes, yes.

-They're important, legs, in a woman.

-Nice face, an' all.

-Naughty little mouth.

-Yes...very naughty!

-Sorry, you were saying?

-Thelma. When you and I are together, she assumes we chase other women.

Wives ALWAYS assume you're unfaithful.

-We'd better get some fish tomorrow, or we won't have an alibi!

-Alibi?!

-We COULD go to Mac Fisheries.

-Why do I need an alibi?

-Men often do!

I COULDN'T cheat on Thelma! That's what makes her insecurity so unfair.

You wanted to go to the Wheatsheaf last week cos it was full of spare!

That's different - chatting them up, and looking. I couldn't do the deed.

Rubbish! No man can say no! It depends on the circumstances.

-Given a chance, everyone would be at it!

-Everyone's NOT at it!

-I don't believe it!

-What?

Don't look now, but that girl over there... I've just seen the bloke she's with.

-What of it?

-It's Mr Chambers, Thelma's father.

-THELMA'S FATHER!

-Keep quiet!

-I don't believe it.

-It's her father.

Rubbish!

-It's Thelma's father!

-I told yer!

-And the girl with the mouth and legs!

-The very girl!

-I don't believe it!

The rascal! The cheeky old devil!

-Would you believe it?

-You think it's funny! You think it's funny!

-I CAN see the funny side of it.

-I think it's disgusting and tragic!

There's nothing tragic about spending a weekend with her! She's not bad. You said so yourself.

-I just can't believe it.

-I told you everyone's at it!

I know who she is! She was his temp, when everyone else had flu at work. She was his secretary.

She looks a bit more permanent now.

-There must be a rational solution.

-Yes, he's a randy old devil!

I've got it! Of course, of course! He went up Edinburgh, to a trade fair.

He drove up on Thursday morning.

What's she doing with him, then?

-The building trade fair is business. He'd need a secretary!

-Why not take his usual one?

-Miss Avery's old and...

-Unattractive?

-Unattractive, yes, no.

-She doesn't travel well. She gets carsick.

-Why stop here?

-It's on the way back from Edinburgh.

-This isn't on the way back from Edinburgh!

-It's the scenic route.

Why stop here? He's only 35 minutes from the bosom of his family.

He dropped in for some tea... while the puncture was mended.

-What puncture?!

-He probably had a puncture.

Scenic routes have such bad roads!

-Dear me! What an imagination!

-Pardon?

-The way you worked it out. It's a masterpiece!

-There's nothing to work out. It's perfectly logical.

-All right.

-Why don't you go over and say hello to your father-in-law?

-You what?

-What could be more natural?

-You've run into your father-in-law returning from business. Won't you say hello?

-Yes, of course I will.

-Like hell you are! He's so guilty, he'd drop dead!

-He has nothing to feel guilty about!

-OK, come on!

-Say hello to him.

-All right!

-We'll see.

Hello, Mr Chambers!

-Oh, bloody hell!

-I'm sorry!

Did I give you a shock? I just said to Terry, there's Mr Chambers, on his way back from Edinburgh.

He must be busy to need a secretary at the trade fair.

He's having tea while they fix the puncture from the scenic route.

What?

Oh! We've been VERY busy. We've never stopped, have we, Beryl? I mean, Miss...

Never stopped.

We've never stopped...yes.

-Why exactly are you here, Bob?

-Terry and me are having a fishing weekend.

-How about a refill, or are you off?

-No! Yes!

-We only came in because of...

-The puncture?

-Yes.

-Yes.

-Yes to the refill, or the puncture?

Oh, no, no! We must get back. We only popped in for a quick one.

I sent your things up, Mr Mortimer.

Mortimer?!

-Give us a brandy, pet.

-Aye.

-Did you enjoy your dinner?

-Yes, thank you, very nice.

I ate too much. I ate his - he couldn't eat anything.

-There.

-Do you fancy one yourself?

I think I might. I'm ready for it now.

-Get through, did you?

-No reply.

-She must be out with a Japanese sailor!

-A large brandy, please.

-Put it on my bill, Valerie!

-Thanks.

-You need it.

You can't drink on an empty stomach. There's a lot you can't do on an empty stomach.

She keeps saying these things!

-Let's sit down.

-She's driving me mad! I might get lucky - nothing would surprise me now.

Nor me - did you SEE George? Three tables from his son-in-law, sitting there bold as brass!

-With his temp! Blatant!

-He saw no point in leaving - the cat was out of the bag.

-He'd been in Edinburgh, though, at the trade fair.

-I never doubted it.

-And she IS a good secretary - phenomenal shorthand.

-Doubtless.

I don't think this was arranged, you know, or premeditated. I think it was a moment of weakness.

I'd say there have been several moments of weakness.

-They DID seem to know each other well. I saw from where I was.

-What?

-She was touching his knee!

-With her phenomenal short hand?

Can't you see how traumatic it is?

It could have terrible effects! He's my boss. I may lose my job.

Lose your job?! I bet you've just got a directorship!

How could he? With that girl?

Doesn't he think of Mrs Chambers?

I'm SURE he thinks of Mrs Chambers.

That's why he's here with that girl.

Ha, ha! Eh, lads, it's a small world!

Aye, aye.

-Yes, yes - bit of a coincidence! Do you mind if I sit down?

-No, no.

A whisky and soda, love, and give the lads a refill. Now, what was I saying?

-Small world.

-What?

-Small world.

-Oh, aye - small world!

It's amazing... Why the hell are you here?

Fishing - it's a fishing weekend! I was told about it.

-I've come here for years. I never met anybody here before.

-It was you who told me about it!

Now don't get me wrong. When I say I've come here for years, it's not been under these circumstances.

-There's not been a long line of Miss Atkinses!

-No, no.

We were working in Edinburgh - working very hard, in fact -

-and things developed.

-Moment of weakness!

-What?

-Moment of weakness, I expect.

-Aye, a moment of weakness.

-Due to overwork and strain.

Due to overwork and...strain.

You're men of the world. You're married, Terry. You're married, Bob, yourself.

-Yes - I'm married to your daughter!

-What? Ah, now, don't get me wrong.

I wasn't inferring for a second,

but married men understand what these things are about.

-Of course, Mr Chambers. We're only sorry if we spoiled your evening, eh, Bob?

-Yes, we won't do it again.

-Well, that's cleared the air. It has, hasn't it?

-Nothing more to be said!

-Thanks, love. Here we are. Here's to men!

-And women, eh?

Them, too - bless their cotton socks.

Oh!

-Beryl, Miss Atkins - this is Terry.

-Hello.

-And I think you know Bob from the office.

-I know the face.

-What'll you have, love?

-An angel's kiss.

-What's that?

-A cocktail - creme de menthe on ice. It's called an angel's kiss.

Is it now? Valerie, when you've a minute, can I have an angel's kiss?

You may get a kiss, but I'm no angel!

She keeps saying these things!

-How's the fishing? Caught anything?

-Not a thing!

And we were up at half past six!

-Somebody'll catch something soon.

-What?

-It's Thelma.

-Oh, bloody hell!

-Valerie - a cloth!

-Dad, why are you here?

Your mother's not with you? l No, I've come to see Bob.

-Your dad's just back from Edinburgh.

-Yes, back from Edinburgh.

Yes, he just dropped in for a puncture.

Yes, I just dropped in.

Yes, yes, he just "dropped" in.

I'll stay over to fish with the lads.

-I see - small world!

-Yes! Sit down, Thelma!

-Sit down, love.

-What are you doing here, darling?

-I came up to see you.

-All this way?

-It's only half an hour at night.

-Why did you come?

-We'll come to that later.

I'm Thelma. Bob's wife, Thelma Ferris.

Oh, hello!

This is Terry's friend.

Won't you introduce us, Terry?

Yes, yes, of course. This is...er...er...

-Beryl.

-Yes! This is my friend...Beryl.

I'm sorry. Are you with Terry?

I thought it was boys' weekend. Didn't you say, "There are things lads do together?" I misunderstood!

It is, it is - it's just the lads. Just Terry and me.

And Beryl.

-Beryl's not here for the fishing. Beryl's here for...

-Yes, I can imagine.

- Why are you here, Thelma? - I came, Dad,

because Bob and I have battled on the phone for two days.

One of us had to make the effort, so I borrowed Brenda's car.

I drove here to say sorry, because I felt I hadn't been entirely fair.

Darling, what can I say? You drove miles to say sorry? You could've rung!

I didn't mean that, I didn't mean it at all.

I mean, you didn't even owe me an apology! Fancy coming all this way!

-And having to drive back!

-Well, I won't stay! I won't spoil boys' weekend!

-Do stay, please.

-I wouldn't dream of it.

I think it's very considerate to let the lads have a weekend on their own.

-I admire that in a woman!

-Have a drink before you go, Thelma.

-You can't wait, any of you! I'm off.

-No, darling, stay, please.

-Stay, I insist. It'd be fantastic if you stayed.

-No, no.

-Please.

OK. If you insist. I'll get my overnight bag.

-What do you want?

-My toothbrush, thanks, and my book.

Hang on a minute.

-Here you are.

-You've lost my place!

-Is Thelma OK?

-Yes, keep your voice down.

-Has George gone?

-No - he wouldn't leave me alone with Beryl. It's ruined my chance with Valerie!

-What chance?

-What chance?! She said, "My annexe is very self-contained!"

-What's special about that?

-The way she said it. Her annexe! So near and yet so far.

Don't complain! You're with Beryl - officially!

Are you all right, darling? Fancy a cup of tea?

-I must have been blind!

-Pardon?

I must be blind not to realise at once what's going on here.

-Realise?

-Terry's not with that girl.

-He is! That's his friend - Beryl.

-I may be blind, but I'm not a fool. I realise the situation.

-You realise?

-I realise.

-The situation?

-The situation.

Well, I realise what a shock it must be to you, Thelma.

Don't think I don't - but men are men, and these things happen.

-These things happen?! How many other girls have you brought here?

-What, me?!

It's obvious Beryl's here with you!

-I swear!

-Don't lie! You're covering up! Terry didn't even know her name!

Terry doesn't always ask their names.

We only just married! How could you?

-Where are you going?

-To my father.

-Don't go in there!

-I beg of you!

-Don't touch me!

-Take my word for it.

-You may see something that'll haunt you all your life.

-Leave me alone.

-Daddy?

-Hello, Thelma, can't you sleep?

Dad, how could you? Thelma!

Don't jump to conclusions! There's nothing between Terry and me.

I mean covering for Bob. If Terry's with that girl, he'd be with her now.

-What on earth's all the commotion?

-I know you're with my husband!

-Will someone tell her I'm not?!

-He's not. I'll explain.

-Beryl - Miss Atkins...!

-I'm with him!

Only he kept chatting up the barmaid, so I locked him out,

but I just came to say all is forgiven.

Yes, well, if you'll excuse me, Mr Chambers, I think I'll say goodnight.

Goodnight!

-Goodnight, Thelma, Robert. Sweet dreams.

-Goodnight.

After you, er...

Beryl!

Oh, dear.

I've made a fool of myself tonight.

-There, there, darling.

-I really DID come to apologise.

I know, I know - it doesn't matter.

-I suppose I didn't trust you enough.

-Without a bit of trust, where are we? Learn to respect my word.

Give me the benefit of the doubt. I may have weaknesses, but chasing other women isn't one of them.

BARMAID: Aren't you coming to the annexe?

Oh! Pardon me!

She thought I was Terry!

Intelfax Subtitles by Julia Watts for BBC Subtitling, 1995