Ollie's First Day White Van Man

ALARM

It's 6am! That's what time handymen get up, 6am.

Dad! I set my alarm for half seven!

I changed it to when your grandfather got up.

-It's when I got up and it's when you'd better start getting up!

-Dad!

ALARM

Jesus Christ!

You can never be too careful. Come on, out of bed! It's late!

-The day has begun!

-Ah!

6.15 am. I'd have been downstairs by now.

Dad, I'm in the shower!

-Downstairs in 10, or I'm coming to get you.

-All right!

-What's that?!

-Breakfast.

-It's got mustard on it!

-What kind of man doesn't like mustard?

All right, your schedule's already in the van.

If I get more bookings I shall try and tear myself away from daytime TV and ring the mobile.

Do not forget to pick up Darren.

..And you will need these.

Thank you.

Right, Dad, just try and relax today, all right?

Try and relax, he says. Have you seen Loose Women?

It's like beating yourself round the face with a woman's weekly!

-I'm off.

-And remember, the jigsaw pulls a bit to the left.

-Yeah, thanks, Dad.

-Your sandwiches are in the front.

You've got the six-foot ladder, so if you need to get higher,

-don't do it with that!

-All right!

And, Ollie...

Yes, Dad?

Don't dick it up.

That's... Well, you could have put it in a card or something!

VAN ALARM

Dad!

Well, look out Maplebury! I'm your new handyman.

-You all right?

-All right.

Fair enough.

Right then, job 1...

-Darren, what's the first job?

-I don't know!

-You've got to look at the schedule!

-Your dad always used to look at the schedule.

Just give me the name of the road then!

What's the date today?

There's one page!

-What time is it?

-It's the first job!

-Parsonage Gardens.

-Oh, for God's sake!

Don't forget we're using premixed adhesive grout, all right?

All right, just give me a minute.

DOORBELL

Oh, what you doing! I'm not ready...

Curry & Son, handymen.

-We're here about the tiling.

-Where's Tony?

Early retirement. I've taken over now.

I wanted Tony. I like Tony!

Well, I'm his son.

-I'm Ollie. Is that OK?

-Come in.

-Thanks.

-The tiles are already in the conservatory, so...

-Right.

Can I use your toilet?

-Er...

-Do you know much about tiling?

I'll be using a premixed adhesive grout today. It's a new brand.

Will he be long?

I don't know. I suppose it depends on what he's doing, doesn't it?

Is he doing a crap! I thought he just want a piss! I not happy with him crapping!

-OK...

-Hey, I not come your house crap in your toilet!

Well, no.

BANGS ON DOOR

Oi, get out!

-Ah, shit.

-I don't think we can really stop him now, mate.

Really?

-You're not cut out for this.

-Like it was my fault!

-Why are you bothering?

Listen, my dad might be happy doing this for 40 years, but I'm not.

When I'm done, I'll have a fleet of white vans.

-Then I'm going to sell up, open my restaurant.

-The Toast Rack?

No, The Toast Office.

Beans on toast with luxury beans, cheese on toast with cheeses from around the world.

Complimentary champagne to toast your toast. I'll make a fortune.

No wonder you got kicked out of catering college.

That idea is almost as good as your weed lasagne.

-Who told you about that!

-Your dad.

-Listen, it was an accident, right? I thought it was oregano.

-Right.

It's not my fault if my stupid flatmate kept his weed that looks

like oregano in a pot marked "oregano"!

And what people seem to forget - it was voted best dish in the class!

-How'd it taste?

-More-ish.

Yeah.

Right then, job 1 - disaster.

I'll phone him in a bit when he calms down.

I wouldn't bother, if I were you.

-Why not?

-Well, I ran out of toilet paper, so I used his towel.

-What are you doing?

-Looking for a cigarette.

Well, I can't change gear with you there! Move!

You all right?

All right.

Sorry, who are you?

I'm Ricky.

-Who are you?

-I'm Ollie.

-Is this your house, Ollie?

-No, no, I'm just doing a bit of work.

Sorry, are you stealing those?

Oh, you're a handyman!

You can't come in here and start nicking stuff!

-No, I think I can.

-I'm serious! You can put...

Whoa, don't be stupid! Did you even check if I was alone!

You're about to get your head smashed in by Big Alan!

Yeah, I made him up, but you never know! How much for Ferris Bueller?

-What?

-Ferris Bueller's Day Off, how much do you reckon I'll get for it?

-I don't know. Two quid.

-Two quid!

-That's Matthew Broderick at his finest!

-Yeah, but it's an '80s film!

You got no deleted... Just put it back, will you!

No.

-Hey, hey, wait!

-You can't follow me!

Me brothers are outside and they're all Millwall fans.

You will get bricked in the face!

-Ta-da.

-Hey, wait! Hey, hey, hey!

Right, hang on.

-I'll buy 'em.

-What?

The DVDs, how much? I'll buy 'em.

Well, I reckon Ferris will get me at least four quid.

But, if you're going to go for the whole 100, I could knock it down to about...

250.

250. Are you mental!

You're doing some work in an house, all the DVDs go missing... Who will they think has taken them?

150.

150 quid!

Is that your van outside?

-Yeah.

-Give us 200, you can have your sat nav back an' all.

How have you got that!

You want 'em or not?

Give me a minute, right?

So that's 100 for the labour...

..and another 50 for materials.

-Thank you.

-Don't spend it all at once.

-I won't.

-I won't.

Right, you still owe me 50 quid and you can give it to me later.

-See you, Darren.

-See you later, Ricky.

-Do you know him?

-Yeah, yeah, he's a mate of my brother's.

He's just nicked our sat nav!

Oh, he told me you said he could have it.

Why would I say that? We can't afford another one!

It's not going to help, then.

-What?

-Parking ticket.

Oi! Oi, what are you doing?!

-Just doing my job, sir.

-But there aren't any yellow lines here!

-Yeah, I know!

-I have checked all the signs! I'm allowed to park here.

-You can't give me a ticket!

-I'm not doing that, sir.

Well, what's that then?

-Oh, that's just a note.

-Saying what?

-Our new council initiative.

It's just a note to let you know if there were yellow lines here, I might have given you a fine.

-But there aren't any yellow lines here!

-Council weren't sure if people knew the system or not.

Weren't sure if... Of course I know the system!

I'm not 10! So I'm OK to park here?

-Oh, yeah, totally.

-Well, thank you.

This really is the most pointless note I've ever been given.

I'm just trying to do my job, sir.

Yes, well, I'm very happy for you.

It's all pointless, cos there aren't any yellow lines here!

-But if there were, I would have...

-There aren't!

You all right, Darren.

All right, Brian.

Oh, my... Do you know everyone!

Go on, go and bore someone else, specky.

I'm just trying to do my job!

We're all trying to do our jobs, thank you, you...

Yeah, watch your feet, man! This is the steering wheel! Darren, Darren, seriously.

-I can't get comfortable!

-We're at work, that's why!

Well, I don't know, Dad!

Well, he can complain all he likes!

Well, just ask yourself this, why would I shit on his towel?

All right, I'll see you in a bit.

-Nice one.

-All right, chill out!

Have a slice of lasagne!

Where's the paint? I thought you were buying paint earlier.

-I got distracted.

-What does that mean?

I had a wank.

In the van?

Ollie!

Oh, my God, it's Emma.

Right, we'll finish this later.

-Hiya.

-What are you doing here?

-My folks live round the corner.

I know, I helped out in the bathroom last year.

-Really? That was you?

-Yeah.

I didn't know you did all this!

-Well, you know, I... I sort of... I run the business now, actually.

-Fantastic!

-Yeah.

I always thought you'd open one of your restaurants.

-COUGHS

-Like, I'm still doing that.

I was just saying that we're still doing that.

-The Toastal Service?

-The Toast Office.

-Right.

Yeah. Luxury cheese on toast, all that sort of thing.

-Well, it's all very exciting then! So when's the new place opening?

-Soon! Soon, yeah.

I'm just, you know, looking at a few locales and just talking to investors at the moment.

You've probably got it sorted by now, but, if not, you should give me a call sometime.

Oh, you're in business too, eh?!

-Care Of The Dog?

-The place selling food aimed at people with hangovers.

Yeah, I know that.

I thought of that. That was my idea.

Well, you weren't using it, so...

I've got two in London and Manchester's opening next year.

Well, if you need any work doing then just, you know.

Oh, actually, you could...

help me with this.

Dad's looking for some grout. Do you know where I can get it?

Flatley's Hardware on the high street. Ollie's going there now. He can take you in his sexy car.

No, I'm not.

No, he's got that wrong. I'm not. I'm not. I mean I'm...

Yeah, I would, you know, if I was going that way, but I've just...

-You know, business stuff, you know?

-That's fine.

But give me a call some time. We should catch up.

Yeah. Yeah, I'd like that.

-OK!

-OK.

-All right.

-Bye.

Bye. See you later.

Bye!

She stole your idea?

Yeah.

-Did you used to go out with her?

-No.

Did you want to?

-Yep.

-Can I go out with her?

-Get in the van.

Argh!

What are you doing! It's on fire! Put it out! Did you hear?!

Hello, soldier! How goes your first day in the trenches?

All right, Liz. Yeah, not bad. You know, we're getting there.

If by "not bad" you mean totally shit, and if by "getting there"

you mean a better job could be done by a monkey with a spanner!

Good job he's got you then! Has he been trouble?

-No.

-..Cos if he has, just ask him about Mrs Pullman's house.

-You can't prove that.

-I don't have to! I know what I saw!

No, you know what you think you saw.

-That poor dog.

-I don't know what she's talking about.

There's no point going back there!

Auntie Pat's taken Buster for a walk!

Piss...off.

You two going through a rough patch?

I know how to handle my brother, thanks. The stuff I've got on him.

Now, what can I do for you, chief?

Nails, paint, blowie in the toilet?

-Sorry?

-5.99, please, love.

-I... I, I don't...

-Don't worry, I think your dad called in earlier with a list.

-He what?

-I'll check with the boss.

-Uncle Phil, Ollie's here!

-Who?

-Tony's son! The one that got kicked out of college for making weed pie!

-I thought it was oreg...

-I thought it was oregano!

-Don't worry, he knows who you are, he's just messing with you.

-Did Tony ring in a shopping list!

-Look, Liz, it's fine!

-I don't need a...

-Yeah! Want me to read it?

-No, it's fine!

It's fine. I just need some white matt paint, undercoat.

He needs some white matt undercoat!

-No, he doesn't!

-What!

-You don't.

-It's not on the list!

-Not on his list.

-Well, it's on my list!

-Why does he need it?

-Why do you need it?

-I heard! Yeah, I'm painting an office wall!

Plaster or brick?

-Plaster!

-You don't need it. Don't give it to him.

I don't need it. I thought I did, but apparently I don't.

Thank you.

-Anything else?

-No, I think we're done today. Darren, we're done!

Shame, I was enjoying this. We should do it again some time.

Yeah, I'll be... I'll be back in tomorrow for the rest of the stuff.

-Oh, I'll wear something tight.

-You'll wear what?

-Auntie Pat back then?

-I hate you, Liz.

-I hate you.

-Woof! Woof!

We don't need that.

MUSIC: "Sex On Fire" by Kings Of Leon

CHANGES MUSIC

-What you doing?

-Changing it.

-You know I like that!

-We should have equal share of the radio.

-Well, it was halfway through the song!

You don't just turn it off halfway through!

But, mate, it's been on your station for ages!

-Hello.

-You here to pick up flyers or leaflets?

No, I'm here to do a paint job for Mr Johnson.

Oh, my God.

Oh, my days.

-What?

-You look so like my friend Mike.

-Oh.

Oh, my God, that is adorable!

Look at you! Look at your face!

Could you get Mr Johnson for me, please?

That is hilarious, the way you sigh. It's just like Mike!

-OK.

-Can you believe it?

-Well, I don't know who Mike is, so...

That's so like Mike - that whole self-deprecating thing. Brilliant.

No, I'm not, I'm not self-deprecating, I genuinely don't know who Mike is,

-so could you get Mr Johnson?

-Sandra, Sandra, come here.

Doesn't he look exactly like Mike?

Oh, my God, it's uncanny!

All right.

-Aw!

-Do you mind?!

-Do I mind!

-I know! Classic Mike!

-Hey, come here, everyone!

-Come and look at this!

-Look at him.

It's Mike's twin!

-Separated at birth.

-Eyes and everything!

-Unbelievable.

-He's got the stubble an' all!

-Look, Mike! Hi, Mike. Mike!

-Mike.

-Look.

What's going on, guys?

-That's Mike?

-Yeah, that's him! Amazing, isn't it?

I mean that, that's the Mike I remind you of?

-Yeah.

-Yeah!

-Can't you see it?

-Well...

I mean, I don't, I don't want to sound rude, but... I mean, Jesus Christ! Well... Darren,

do you think I look like this guy here?

Yeah. All right, Mike?

All right, Darren. How's your mum?

Yeah, she's all right.

I think it's the hair.

What?!

Are you...

Why are you bothered about looking like Mike?

Why?

I'll tell you why...

MOBILE RINGS

Hello?

Oh, how's it going?

Oh, yeah, great. I'm hungry, I'm tired, everyone hates me.

What do you mean you're hungry?

Why am I... Because some idiot put mustard on my sandwiches!

What kind of a man doesn't like mustard?

Who's going to buy that lot, you blithering idiot?!

-Take the money!

-What?

Not you, dickhead, it's the TV!

Listen, there's another job just rung in.

No! No, don't go to sale, take the money!

Dad, what you watching?

Look, I'll text you the address. It's just unblocking a pipe.

Even you can't mess that up, you wrinkly, orange granny-snatcher!

-Oh, David Dickinson?

-Aye, that's the bugger.

No, I'm busy, I've gotta go!

I'm glad you're relaxing then!

Right, they say I can stay and do the job, but if you ever

come near the office again they're going to drown you with junk mail.

Fine! Fine! You stay, I'll go! I didn't even do anything!

That's so Mike.

Hiya. Someone call for a handy... Uh!

Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa! Whoa, whoa, wait, wait,

wait, wait, wait, wait, wait!

-I'm just here to have a look at your pipes!

-Like you did last time, you idiot?! Come here!

I don't know what I'm supposed to have done!

You bastard!

Whoa, look, now, wait a minute!

Welcome back, Daddy!

-There you go!

-Thanks, love.

Gingernut?

Argh! Gah-uh!

All right, all right. All right, just, please, please just explain to your dad that we've never met!

-Joanne, is this him or not?

-I don't know, I don't remember!

-You don't remember? How much of a slut are you?!

-Dad!

Uh!

Argh!

Oh, Jesus!

All right, I deserved that one, but the point still stands!

Joanne, I'm starting to lose it now! Is this him or not!

I think it was the same number, but there was loads in the phone book!

-How can you not remember?!

-Well, I only met him once and most of that time he was behind me.

Whoa! Wait! Wait! Are you just randomly ringing

every handyman to somehow find the man who got you pregnant?

-Yeah! And it worked!

-Well, it wasn't me. It wasn't me.

Right, that's it, I'm phoning Steve.

-Who's Steve?

-Joanne's boyfriend...

and, believe me, he really, really wants a word with you, all right?

All right.

Hello, Steve. Yeah, it's Terry. He's here.

Oh, yeah. Oh, it's definitely him.

Yeah, he looks just like the scan.

Quick! He's distracted!

Escape while you can!

Argh!

Argh-ya! Uh. Ah. Ah.

Whoa!

-How'd you do that?

-The door!

< Joanne!

Where do you think you're going!

We're going to start a new life together, far away from you!

-Come on!

-Yeah? I'll kill him!

Oh!

-Jesus! What are you doing!

-We can run away together, raise our child!

-Is this a game to you? It's not my child!

-Give me back my daughter and grandchild, you bastard!

-It's not me!

-Open the door!

-Oh, my God!

-Open the door!

I've got to go! I'm sorry, I've go to go! Whoa!

Hey, Joanne!

Joanne!

Daddy's coming! Daddy's coming!

-Ah!

-Oh, he's coming! Oh, come on, come on!

-Come on, come on, come on, where?

-I love you.

Right, that's it!

Get out!

-Please, please, just get out the van!

-Ah!

Close the door!

Oh!

But our baby! Our unborn baby!

He owes me 50, so if you just...

-OK.

-No, Darren, what are you doing!

10, 30...

Oh, for God's sake!

-Quality, mate. I'll catch you later, yeah?

-See you later, mate.

-See you, bruv.

Darren!

-What are you doing!

-You owed him 50 quid.

-You get the sat nav!

-What sat nav?

-What sat...

I am going to go and get it back, right?

Please, please, don't follow me, right? Just get in the van!

Do nothing. Nothing, OK?

That one's quality, that is, cos you just stick it

straight into the internet and you can download all the voices.

You've got Laurence Llewellyn-Bowen, you got Barack Obama...

-Right, you little scrote!

-Charming!

All right, Liz. Is that my...

Are you selling her my sat nav?

-Yours? But you said...

-He stole it from me!

-How very dare you?!

-I've just paid him to get it back!

-Well, it's mine now!

-Oh, oh, is it!

What, like Care Of The Dog?

-I didn't think you were using that!

-Yeah.

-How did he get your sat nav?

He stole it with some DVDs from a house I was painting!

-You just let him?

-No, I didn't.

-Why were you painting a house? I thought you ran the business.

-I was giving him a quote!

-No, you weren't.

-Shut up, you!

How could you just let him steal someone's DVDs?

-Couldn't you stop him?

-Yes, I did! I bought 'em!

What, you bought them!

-Do you run the business or not?

-Yeah, no, yeah!

-Look, everyone seems to be missing the point here! This man is a thief!

-That is bloody slander, that is!

Listen here, you're going to give everything back!

-Oi! Ollie, Ollie!

-MOBILE RINGS

-Tell me this isn't me! Look at me!

-..Hello?

Unbelievable! Everything's gone wrong! Everything's gone wrong.

You wanna suck my what, sorry? Well, I don't wanna go bare-back riding!

-Who is this?

-It's Darren.

Give it here!

Hello! Yeah, get in here now!

This is unbelievable!

You! You! You're a horrible, horrible little shit!

I hope you get dick cancer and die.

You know, Emma... it's great to see you again and I would... I'd love to take you out,

but you stole my idea!

And, Liz, Liz, please just stop with all that...

that sexy stuff! I've got no idea if you're joking or not!

And you, you're the biggest prick of 'em all!

Flyers for the month there, Liz.

Thank you, Michael.

Are you two related?

-No.

-It's just you look a bit...

No, we don't.

PHONE RINGS

Hello?

Where's the sat nav?

It's on the side there.

No, it's not here now. And where did...

Ricky, you little prick!

No, I don't want a sausage sandwich! Who the hell is this!

It's my brother.

All right?

All right, mate.

Oi! What are you doing? I've only been here a minute!

You just going sit there?

-MOUTHS: I'm on the phone.

-What's your problem?

-I am doing my job!

-You're being a dick!

-Oh.

I'm the dick, am I?

Want to see me be a dick? I'll be a dick.

-Oh, well bring it on!

-Right, then!

This is for your broken light.

What broken tail... That wasn't me!

Oh, fine. Fine.

Is this what you do with tickets?

Cos, you see, I don't know the system.

-He's just doing his job.

-Thank you.

-No, he's not! It wasn't me!

-Oi!

It was him. Oh, my...

Impregnate and kidnap my daughter, would you?

-I can explain, right. I can explain!

-Go on then explain, you mongrel!

-I can't!

-Get in the van!

-Come here!

Jesus, you mongrel!

-Oh!

-Argh!

-Argh!

-Argh!

-Argh!

-Argh!

-Argh!

-Argh!

-Argh!

-Argh!

-Oh, my! Oh, my! Oh, blimey!

I thought he was going to kill me!

Where do I know that guy from?

Oh, I think I did some work at his house once.

Hey, he has got a fit...

-What are you doing?

-I'm going to kill you.

-What?

It was you, wasn't it?!

It was you! It was you, you...

-What's that you're watching?

-Ferris Bueller.

Bought it off a guy I know sells cheap DVDs.

-What happened to you?

-Darren punched me.

-Why'd he do that?

-Cos I punched him!

-That's fair enough.

-Dad, he wasn't the only one.

I'm not cut out for this.

Bollocks. You did fine!

I didn't, Dad! I didn't get paid at all!

Well, nor did I on my first go!

You'll get there! Tomorrow is another day!

Come on, I'll get your tea. Don't worry, son, the freaks are miles away!

Ah.

Problem with junk mail?

Oh, I knew you'd come back for me! I knew you wouldn't leave me!

-You got everything?

-Yeah.

Yeah.

Get in the van.

-Right then, first job?

-Number six, Bramfield Drive.

It's a bathroom fitting.

-Thank you.

-So, are you planning on getting paid today?

Well, come on! Come on!

Today, nothing's going to go wrong.

-I love you, Oliver Curry.

-Right!

-Oi, where are you going? The job's that way.

-Oh, is it?

-Well, I'm taking her home!

-Oh, what?

Watch it!

Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd

E-mail [email protected]