Turf White Van Man

-Paul! What's going on with our savings account?

-Susan...

-The money's gone. There's only £500 left.

-Now's not really...

Did you take it?

-I can't say.

-What do you mean "you can't say"?

-You either took it or you didn't.

-I didn't.

Then we need to call the police.

-Ok, I did. I took it.

-I knew it!

What did you spend it on?

It better not be that bloody home cinema.

-That's an investment, that is.

-We talked about this!

You don't need sub thingies and surround sound.

I didn't spend it on that.

-Good, cos that's our money!

-I earned it.

I can't believe you just said that.

-You always do this!

-Fine.

You want to know where the money is?

This is where it is. Here!

Susan Fisher, will you marry me?

-No.

-Good!

-Fine!

What about the Eiffel Tower?

Eiffel Tower? You won't let me buy a telly.

Get down on one knee and that.

-Get down on one knee?

-Oh, God, I hate you!

Oh, I hate you too!

Get out from my face. MOBILE RINGS

Oh, so that's why it's...

Not now!

-What do you want for lunch?

-I can't talk now, Darren.

-You shouldn't have answered the phone then.

-I panicked.

Jesus Christ, it's a war zone here! Help me.

-I'll just get ham and cheese then?

-It doesn't matter, Darren.

-It mattered last week when I got KFC and you went all Jamie Oliver about it.

-Shit, they're coming!

..I'm going to my mum's anyway. She's not that keen on...

Stop! I just want to marry you!

-I just want to marry you too!

-Then why are we arguing?

What? What's happening?

They're...

Oh, my God. Are they doing it?!

Is she fit? Can you get a photo?

I think I can make it to the door.

Oi, no! No! Listen, don't leave without getting paid. Not again, man.

Oh, bollocks.

OK, hang on, hang on.

GROANING

Seriously, though, can you see her tits?

Yes, I can see her tits!

Banging.

Get some pissing curtains.

-Is this your van?

-Yeah, I'm moving it now.

No, I live at number 42. I'm having some problems with my electrics. Do you fancy having a look?

-Yeah, do you want me to come now?

-Sorry, I'm just on the way out.

Have you got a card or something? Only, your number's not on the van.

Well, of course it's on the van.

It's just at the back here.

Oh, my God, the number's not even on the van!

The number's not even on the van!

Sorry. I've just taken over the company, I didn't know...

Well, could you write it down for me? Sorry, I'm in a bit of a rush.

No, it's fine, it's fine.

Let me just find a pen.

..Don't know what that's doing in there.

You haven't got a pen, have you?

-No.

-Right...

-Card? Flyer?

-Yeah, you'd think, love, wouldn't you?

Ok, look, I'll have to find someone online.

I'm sorry.

Shame.

Yeah.

I've really got to go.

-OK.

-Thanks, anyway.

-All right.

Sorry, love.

Dick!

-Oi-oi.

-You not done yet?

Excuse me, there's a queue here.

I'm not ordering, I'm just standing with him. Did you know...

If you don't want serving, you can stand elsewhere.

-If you do want serving, you can go to the back.

-I don't want serving.

Then stop making the queue longer.

I'm not making the queue longer, I'm just...

-That better, love?

-Yes.

-John, could you...

Unbelievable.

MOBILE RINGS

'You all right, Dad?'

How did you know it was me?

'Cos the phone said.'

-Well, how'd the phone know?

-No, no, the phone doesn't know.

I had to type your... Oh, it doesn't matter.

-You picked up my prescription yet?

-After I've made these flyers.

What you doing that for?

Dad, can I just ask, how do we get work?

-Word of mouth.

-Jesus.

It's like living in Steptoe and Son.

-Oh, bollocks.

-You all right? What you doing?

Trying to relax.

Oh, keeping you up, are we?

-I'm tired.

-That's cos you're up all night playing computer games.

-You'll never get a girlfriend, Darren.

-At least I'm not chasing someone way out of my league.

Oh, God, how long's Emma been here?

Ages, but I think she tried to hide when she saw you come in.

-You think I should go over and say hello?

-Cheers, John.

-Get me a drink?

-I didn't know you wanted one.

John, can I have a can of Coke with that, please?

-Hey! You said you weren't ordering.

-I'm not, it's with that order.

If you want to buy something, join the back of the queue like everybody else.

I understand that but he'll give me the can, I'll pay, then I'll go.

-No, he's not.

-Actually, I've changed my mind, could I get a can of Coke instead?

-And you're ok with that?

-He was in the queue.

He was in the queue, yeah.

-Forget it.

-Causing trouble?

-Hello!

-Hey.

-Yeah, you know me. I didn't know you were still...

-Here? Yeah, looking at business opportunities in Maplebury, thinking of expanding, you know.

-Oh, right.

-Do you want to...?

-Yeah.

-Yeah?

-Ok.

-Cheers, mate.

-You remember...

-Darren Brown.

That's right, DARREN Brown.

Your knickers are pink.

Isn't his name Derren?

Is it?

Is it? I'm going to wait in the van.

What? Hang on a second. Yeah, listen, come here.

Try and find a marker pen in the van and write the number on it.

-With a marker?

-Shut up. It's only temporary. I'll be out in a minute.

Sorry about that.

-So, you're expanding to Maplebury?

-Yeah,

I'm just planning the website, cos that's what it's all about.

Who does yours?

The web thing? Oh, we're sort of in-between, you know, web men, websters... I'm doing flyers.

Oh. Do people still use flyers?

Why don't you just make your own?

Anyway, I've got to get to a meeting, but...

We should have dinner. Soon.

I'd love that.

OK. Oh, and listen, could you get this? I left my purse in the car.

That's fine.

MOBILE RINGS

Hello?

'She's never going to shag you.'

Yes, I know.

-Hey, John, how much would it be if I were to print some...

-Hey!

-Queue's there, mate.

-I just wanted to ask him how much to print something.

Queue!

Oi!

Hey hey hey!

What do you think? Flyers are done, mate.

What's that?

Well, it's workmen's tools.

That's a hammer and sickle.

People will think we're communists.

-That's all I could find. They're tools, aren't they?

-It's a communist symbol.

Well, like you could do any better.

-The seven looks like a two.

-Bollocks does it, comrade.

Hand these out and don't be all, "I'm Darren, do you want a flyer?"

-Don't take no for an answer.

-No, I'm not doing that, I'm a handyman.

Well, then, make yourself handy and hand them out.

Listen, I'll meet you in the hardware store in about an hour.

Hey...

Here's what's going to happen.

-You lot are going hand these flyers out for me.

-No way.

OK, maybe you'll hand them out if I can get you Saw I-VI on DVD.

-Yeah!

-I want to see them everywhere, don't take no for an answer.

Whatever it takes, whatever it takes, come on. Let's go, whatever it takes!

Whatever it takes!

Can I give you one of these, please?

Curry & Son Handymen, if you need any work doing, give us a call.

-Thank you.

-Hello, Curry & Son Home Maintenance.

-Give it back, you little...

-That's a pity.

# Money, money, money, money The root of all evil... #

-15 Milner Drive.

-Hey, mate, can I give you one of these?

Bloody ridiculous.

How many electricians do we know?

Argh!

-Oi, sis!

-What you doing? Get up.

-I'm trying to sleep.

-It's the middle of the day!

-Why I'm in the room with broken lights!

-I'm fixing that wiring.

Everyone just needs to calm down.

Oi! Oi!

-Hire this lot or we'll key your van.

-Yeah.

-Key it.

What?

Who's told you to do that?

Darren!

-Grow up, Darren!

-What do you mean, grow up?

I'm not the one who's favourite film's Labyrinth.

It's brilliant. Those tights make David Bowie's package look huge.

-David Bowie! You just want to see Ollie in those tights.

-Darren!

Explain why some kids are threatening to key my van?

Well, Oliver, I can only imagine it's a thing they do, a game, if you will,

something to help them escape the tedious nature of their existence here in Maplebury.

-How long's he been here?

-Judging from the smell, I'd say a few hours.

-I just got here.

-You never. I did. You never.

-I don't care, because I was right.

Welcome to the 21st century.

-Is that the Soviet flag?

-Ha ha!

-Shut up.

No, I thought they were workmen's tools. We're getting a website.

-You should get Darren's girlfriend to do it.

-She's not my girlfriend.

They play Bloodbath 7 online, they've been seeing each other ages.

Well, I say "seeing". He's never actually met her.

-I say "her", it's probably a bloke.

-It's not a bloke.

I've got her email address.

-Don't you dare.

-Oh, yes, yes, please.

-MOBILE RINGS

-Oh, that'll be more work.

If you'll excuse me.

-Hello.

-Hi, it's Claire from this morning.

I got your flyer, Trotsky.

No, I thought they were workmen's tools.

You couldn't squeeze me in this evening, could you? I could...

cook you some dinner or something as well?

Um, yeah.

-Yeah, that sounds good.

-'Great.'

Come round at seven, bring wine.

Ok. It's a date.

Great.

OK, see you later.

"Oh... oh...it's a date."

-With that Emma?

-Oh! Jealous!

-Shut up!

No, with someone else. Told you them flyers work.

Not only have we got a full book of jobs, but also I've got a date.

That's a good day at the office and that, my friend, is how you get a proper girlfriend.

And you're a proper penis.

David Bowie's tights.

-David Bowie's tights?

-What?

-He said David Bowie...

-What?

Oh, it's just a bit mental, you know. See you in a bit.

I can't believe you don't know what she looks like.

-She'll have a set of bollocks.

-No, she won't.

She will. ..Them pissing kids!

Hello, Mrs Bradley?

Hiya, it's Ollie here from Curry's Home Maintenance. Hi, love.

I'm just ringing to say we'll be a bit late, I'm afraid.

What do you mean, we've already been?

I'm sure it is lovely work but we didn't do it. Hello? Hello?

She put the phone down. Why would she give our job to somebody else?

Maybe she heard about the quality of your work.

Get in the van.

-What's her name?

-Zoe.

Oh.

Your internet girlfriend, eh?

What do you reckon, munter or bloke?

We're looking for Zoe?

That's me, I'm Zoe.

I'm Darren from...

Bloodbath 7.

Mum!

Hello.

Darren?

Oh! Fantastic to meet you in the flesh. Oh!

-Zoe?

-Oh, Kat. I use my daughter's name online.

It pisses her father right off. We're divorced, by the way.

Come on in, then. Let's see about sorting you a website.

What just happened then?

I don't know, but I like it.

Welcome to the Kat cave.

Wow.

-Amazing.

-Looks like the Starship Enterprise in here.

-Which one?

-You know, Starship Enterprise, Star Trek.

-Yeah, but which Enterprise?

Next Gen? Original?

Well, Kirk, Spock, that one.

Fascinating.

-Yeah, I was thinking about the website. It needs...

-Whatever. It'll cost you 150 quid,

plus the costs of the domain name and host server.

Just show me what you want and I'll make it so.

Star Trek.

Hey, I got something for you, if you want it.

OK.

What? I look cool.

-Seriously, take it.

-Thanks.

You want one?

No. I'll just have this.

This is for a business, right?

Give me an extra 50 quid and I'll divert all other local handyman sites to yours...

or porn, whichever you prefer. Wipe out the competition completely.

No, I don't... No, I'll just have the website please.

Ok. Yeah, of course.

I get it.

No, no, no. I just want that.

Sure. Zero culpability.

I understand.

No, I'm serious.

-Totally.

-Ok, sorry, so you're not going do that, you're just going to do what I want, right?

I'm just gonna create your site, nothing else.

There was a smile and a wink, I don't... Did you see that?

Hmm?

-She's your perfect woman - an adult pretending to be a kid, just like you.

-Piss off.

-Where's the van?

-It's over there.

-Didn't you park it here?

-Yeah.

What?

What's going on, Darren?

Where's all our tools?

-Stop what now?

-Where did you flyer this morning?

Milton Street, Longley Park and all that, why?

-I'll call you back.

-What for?

You have no idea what you've done. We need to go right now.

Darren, what's going on?

Darren!

I don't get it, why have we got to go to the hardware store?

Because the hardware store is neutral, it's Switzerland.

-Switzerland?

-Switzerland. Just drive.

MOBILE RINGS

Hey.

Greetings.

Ok, yeah.

-Yeah.

-Where d'you find that pen?

-Three Horseshoes... 7.30.

No, no, no.

Yeah, right, OK. Bye.

-Who was that?

-I got a date.

You got a date? Whoo! Go on, Darren!

Go play happy families. Hey, the Horseshoe's got a climbing frame!

Not the time, Ollie, really not the time.

One week you've been running this business, one week.

Whoa, whoa, whoa!

-You're over there.

-That you, Phil?

You want to sit in that seat, you have to earn it.

All right.

This meeting of the five handymen families of Maplebury is called to order.

You've got to be kidding me.

For generations now,

a system has been in place set in motion by your ancestors, so that you,

the handymen of the town, can have fair trade within Maplebury, but today,

for the first time in 56 years,

somebody has crossed the line.

-What, me?

-He didn't know.

It's all new to him. I mean, it's my fault.

-I thought he was ready, but...

-Can we all just calm down?

Maybe put a light on?

-What am I supposed to have done?

-Today, you actively looked for work within someone else's territory.

I've got to be honest with you, if that's what he's been advertising with,

I don't think we've got much to worry about.

-That works.

-I thought you used word of mouth.

Don't matter. He's not doing anything without his tools.

Was that you? Did you nick the tools from my van?

Oh, I see. Oh, ok. All right, so come on, who else did what, eh?

Who stole my work from Mrs Bradley's?

Me, I did.

You. And who plastered my van with flyers?

You.

And who moved my van across the road?

Anyone?

Oh, great.

So you lot can do all this to me, but I can't hand out flyers wherever I want?

You know, you're not the law. You know, this is a free market.

You can talk, communist!

I thought they were workmen's tools.

-It was a mistake!

-Dad, Dad, calm down.

It was a mistake, that's all.

Oh, he's got a lot to learn, this isn't his world.

-He's not even very good at it.

-Oi!

He made a mistake,

but let's face it, when we all started, didn't we all make mistakes?

Yeah, I did it! I thought to myself, "If you lot won't fix it, then I bloody well will."

We can see what stock we've got now.

Sorry, was I interrupting something?

I won't be a sec.

Emma's here. She wants to know if we've got one of those tape measures with the laser.

Total rubbish, waste of money, tell her to get a standard one.

-I just thought I'd have a look now that I can see.

-Liz!

-Sorry!

You want this leaving on?

Off, please.

We will decide how you will make this right.

That's sorted. You give us each one of your roads and we'll let it pass.

Thank you, gentlemen, that's very generous of you all.

We'll change our websites and then we are done.

You must have typed it wrong. Try again.

-What the hell?

-OK...

What is this? Why is his web address going to Curry & Son website?

Let me try mine.

Oi!

Oh, no, Kat.

All right, what other roads do you want?

I'll put the rest back in the van.

Hey, it's not that bad. It will blow over,

unless you find a horse's head in your bed.

At that point, run.

Thanks, Liz.

Dad, sorry...

I don't want to hear it, son.

What's done is done.

Oh, look, there's the lovely Emma.

Hi, Tony.

-You're looking well.

-Yeah, feeling well, love.

You'll come to the pub? I might let you buy the first round.

Oh, I'm supposed to be having an evening with my mum and dad.

We're having a family meal and then a game of Boggle, like we used to.

That sounds horrible. Why don't you come to the pub?

Well, if everyone else is going...?

Me? No, I can't. I can't, I've got...

-He's got a date.

-Shut up. It's not a date, it's just... it's like a work thing, it's not...

-It's a date.

-Yeah, it's a date, yeah.

-Another time, then.

-Yeah.

-Darren, pub?

-Can't, doing the same as Ollie.

-That's disgusting.

-It's different women.

Oh! Fine.

-Liz, pub?

-Of course.

Well, we'll see you in The Oak and I shall be taking bets to see which one of you messes up his date first.

-Happy Boggling.

-Thanks, Tony.

-So, I'll see you soon, yeah?

-Hang on, I've got something for you.

Here, I got this for you.

It's the one with the laser.

-I don't use it, so you can have it.

-Thanks Ollie, that's sweet.

-Just don't tell my dad I own one. He'll kill me.

-Oh, the power!

Oh, the battery's dead.

Oh, well, I'll get a new one.

Oh, OK.

I'll be seeing...

Bollocks.

Hey, where does your date live again?

Oakhill Gardens.

You're not allowed down that road any more. All part of the new system.

Yes! Go on, go on, go on, go on!

Oh, second place on the scoreboard.

-What rude word shall I type as my name?

-Well, I've always been a big fan of flaps.

Flaps it is then.

Oh, my God.

I think I love you.

I'm sorry to come in and just take over, but I can't help myself.

I'm glad you did. This looks fantastic.

He fixes things and cooks?

Whoa, whoa, whoa!

You have to wait for the magic to be ready.

So what do you do?

Well, I'm a web designer.

No!

I've just gone through hell getting mine done.

-Oh. Well, we'll have a look in a bit, yeah?

-OK.

Sorry, I've got to go soon.

That's cool. Babysitters are expensive, eh?

Hey, you're brilliant.

There's so many guys get funny about the Zoe thing.

-I think that's stupid.

-I know, but they do.

They're not as awesome as me, then. I'd like to take her out for the day.

I'm amazing with kids, they love me.

-I'm sure they do.

-They see me as a father figure mixed with

an older brother - strong and protective yet playful and fun.

What a wonderful combination.

I'd do anything for a kid.

Where's our DVDs?

-Ah.

-I've heard in Saw III a guy gets his eyes sewn together.

What, you sell children DVDs?

-No, I don't sell them.

-We key cars for him.

-What?

He's making it sound much dodgier than it actually is.

Jesus, what are you?

Some sort of Fagin? Is that why you offered to take Zoe out?

-No, no.

-Oh, you are so full of shit.

Well, you're not getting away with it. Wanker.

Please don't go. Please don't go.

-DVDs.

-You knobs.

It's not a brilliant site, I just got a friend of a friend to do it,

but I'd love to know what you think. Here you are.

It just sort of says who we are and what we're about, really.

Is that a swastika?

No, no, they're workmen's tools.

No, that's a swastika.

I just thought it was a nice image to have, you know.

-White Clan Man?

-No, White Van Man.

What is your problem?

-Oh, she's messed with my site.

-You arsehole!

I'm gonna kill that prick.

-Oh, that must have gone really badly, look, he's covered in blood.

-Lasted longer than him.

No you didn't, you just had further to travel.

-Drinks?

-I'm getting these. While you're running the business, you need to save all the money you can.

He's her daughter.

-Darren, give us a hand.

-Can't you just make two journeys?

Darren!

-I'll not book a church, then.

-Oh, Dad...

You know what? I'm starting to see why you didn't have the number on the van.

Easier to run away. You're learning.

Hey, sorry.

-I let you down today.

-Oh, don't worry about those idiots.

It's a fuss about nothing.

Look at the job book. You did good.

Thanks, Dad. Means a lot.

Now, then, Darren, 10 points...

Who'd win in a fight between Captain Kirk and the baldy English one?

Piss off.

Oh, my God, he actually knows.

Look at your eyes, you've actually thought about it.

-No. I wasn't thinking about it at all.

-Oh, my God.

-You can tell by your face.

-Hey.

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