The Stand White Van Man

Yeah, that's it, mate, bathroom's done.

Good. For once, Emma wasn't wrong, you guys work fast.

-Oh, thanks.

-Sorry, do you mind not coming in? You're all dusty.

Oh, yeah, sorry.

Oh, now, that's what I'm talking about. And the channel's called Dave, like a bloke's name. "Dave!"

-Genius.

-Yeah.

-Mind the door frame.

-Oh, sorry.

Well, you know, if I can just get paid, I'll be on my way.

As we said, it's 1,007 but, you know, we'll just call it a grand.

Yeah.

Oi... Dusty.

Sorry, sorry.

The thing is, that work...

it's just not worth a grand, mate.

So I'm just gonna give you 600.

No. No, come on, you knew the cost, my work's been excellent.

-Apart from what I caught your assistant doing in the bathroom.

-I apologised about that.

-I think he has some kind of problem. He's not been back since, though.

-600 quid, take it or leave it.

No, it's not happening. It's the full amount or nothing.

-Look, I know bathrooms, mate, and that ain't worth a grand.

-Well, at least give me the 250 for the bath.

-So now you're bartering yourself down from 600 to 250?

-Yeah.

No... Look, just stop, stop, right. Just pay me what you owe me.

-Which, as I see it, is 600 quid.

-Plus VAT.

-No.

You know you can't do this?

No contract. I can do whatever I like.

600 quid, final offer.

-What are you gonna do?

-"What are you gonna do?"

I'll tell you what I'm gonna do.

Again?

Yes, Darren, we got ripped off again.

Well, I'm not getting less, my cut's the same.

-No, you get a cut of what we earn and we earned 600 quid.

-1,007 quid.

-Why should I pay for your mistakes?

-What, the bathroom incident?

That was an invasion of privacy, you can't blame me.

-I'm getting my full cut, mate.

-Fine.

Ha! You're a pushover. Wouldn't have happened with your dad.

-Here we go.

-People respected him.

-I'm trying to do things my way, all right?

-Just pull over here.

-What?

-Could you just pull over?

-What? Why?

-Just do it!

-For God's sake, Darren! TYRES SQUEAL

Seriously, too easy.

You wa...! PHONE RINGS

-Hello?

-Again?

-Dad, listen.

You let yourself be ripped off again. Stand up for yourself, man.

-How do you even know?

-Darren texted me.

-Oh, yeah, of course he did.

-Wouldn't have happened on my watch.

Oh, yeah, I know, so I keep being told.

Well, what are you gonna do about it?

-Nothing. What can I do?

-'You can start by showing them who's boss.

-'Get some respect.'

-I'm sorry, Dad, I'm going to have to call you back.

'Don't be a pushov...!'

What? Oh, this is Irene.

Irene, Ollie. She's gonna hang out for a bit, all right?

-No, she's not.

-Yes, she is.

-No, she's not.

-She's fun.

-She's about 90.

-Oi!

I'm right here. I'm not completely deaf.

Darren, she's not coming.

Was that Tony on the phone? How's he doing?

Has he still got the moustache? Oh, I love a man with a moustache.

Darren, could I have a word with you outside?

-Where's she come from?

-The old people's home.

Me and my dad used to work there, not so much any more, but I still hang out.

-At an old people's home?

-Yeah, man, they got loads of stories.

This one guy, Angus, he once punched Vera Lynn.

-No, he didn't.

-Well, he said she was asking for it, apparently.

-We're not taking Irene with us.

-But look at her, she's brilliant.

-Listen, she's not coming.

-She is.

No, she's not. Listen to me...

Not today, not ever. You understand?

See? He's a pushover.

-Come on, squash in. Squash in.

-Do you mind? I'm driving here.

There you are.

Three Amigos.

Oh, sort him out! His face looks like an arse eating a lemon.

-Yeah, he's pissed off cos earlier a client didn't pay the full whack.

-Again?

If someone had tried to half-pay one of my girls, I'd have had them knee-capped.

Yes, well things aren't like what they used to be. You can't just...

-What do you mean, one of your girls?

-Stories.

People don't respect you, I can tell.

You've either got it or you ain't.

Your dad, he had it.

Darren, he's got it.

You, I don't think so.

You want respect, I'll show you respect. Watch this!

Oi, oi, oi, there he is.

-Go on, show him who's boss.

-I will.

I will!

ENGINE STOPS

What are we doing?

Don't know.

Why aren't you moving?

He's not a T-rex. You know he can see you, right?

-Well, come on. Do something.

-I am!

Oh, don't tell me your big plan is just to park here.

Shh, shh, shh.

All right there, mate?

Yep, fine, thank you.

You're blocking my drive.

-Yep.

-Oh. Oh, OK.

Well done. Very good.

You've earned your testicles.

I need to get my car out.

Move your van.

Hello, I need to book a taxi into town.

Yeah, 15 Milner Drive.

Two minutes?

Perfecto.

See? Doesn't bother me.

Oh, it bothers you, you just don't know it yet.

Oh, your gran's getting involved. I AM scared now.

She's not his gran, dickhead.

Girlfriend? I really don't care, just move your van.

-Give me my money.

-I'm sorry, what?

Say that again, I didn't quite hear you.

He said give him his money, prick!

-Oh, potty mouth.

-CAR HORN BEEPS

Ah, my chariot awaits.

Don't be here when I get back.

Go on, don't let him get away.

I'm not. He's gonna need his car.

Oh, yes, and when he does...

He's got out.

I'm making a stand, right?

As long as it takes.

Let's see what he's got.

This is going to be a rubbish day out!

PHONE RINGS

-Hello?

-'Hi, Ollie, it's Liz. I've got Emma here.'

-Are you on speakerphone?

-Hi, Ollie.

-Hello, ladies.

-Did you say it was OK for Emma to put some stuff on your account?

-Er, no.

-Well, I thought you'd have a discount or something.

-Yeah, you'd have thought, wouldn't you?

-I just need to buy a spirit level.

-9.99.

It's fine, Liz, just put it on my tab.

Oh, I need a new broom as well for home.

-Oh, all right.

-And a mini fire extinguisher for the restaurant.

-42.98. That OK?

-Yeah, it's OK.

-It's fine.

-Great, thanks Ollie. Good luck with the bathroom.

'All right, thanks, love...'

Bye, Liz.

-Cheeky bitch.

-Told you.

You're a pushover, mate.

-How can you say that. Look what I'm doing!

-You are.

Irene...

Hey, Irene.

Irene.

She's cold, man.

You what?

I think she's...

-Boo!

-Oh, good Jesus!

It's not funny! That's cruel.

-I thought you were dead.

-I WILL die if we stay here much longer.

He's not even home.

Yeah, congratulations, you've made a stand against a house.

-Not a man, a house.

-We're getting our money.

You shouldn't eat those, you know.

What? You said no more fast food.

-It's not fast food.

-You should make your own.

-I don't know how.

-It's a sandwich.

It's bread, then something, then bread. How can you not do that?

I didn't have to before, me and your dad always got a pie or a burger...

He can't make a sandwich, you can't get paid, it's a hopeless situation.

-All right, Gordon.

-Hello, Darren.

Irene.

-Er...

-I'm Ollie, I'm Tony's son, I took over the business.

Oh, right you are.

Look, I don't mean to be funny but are you aware that you've parked over a driveway?

-Yes, I am, I'm doing it on purpose.

-He's doing it on purpose.

It's loads of fun(!)

We did some work for him and he only paid us 600 quid, it should have been a grand, so I'm making a stand.

Oh, stunning!

Once more unto the breach, dear friends. Yeah!

Ah, the man's a monster, you know, loud parties...

and I'm convinced he's the one that stole Jan's bin from number 7.

We'll get the bin back as well.

Ah, good for you, Bobby!

-No, it's Ollie.

-Well, chin up.

Your honour calls you hence and all the gods go with you.

-Thank you.

-Darren.

Irene. And Bobby.

Ollie.

Oh, I'm done.

-Darren, can you take me home?

-Yeah.

Whoa, whoa, whoa!

What about the protest?

I'll come back tomorrow.

She is very old, I should take her home.

All right, go on, go on, take her back, then.

Make her sound like a puppy at Christmas.

Hey, Darren, it's not a day off.

Right, you put that old lady right back where you found here, all right, and come straight back here, Darren.

Do you hear me? It's not a day off.

-Do you really wanna go back to the home?

-No.

Let's go have some fun!

KLAXON BLARES

My balloons! My balloons!

ARGH! Oh, you pervert!

You are disgusting! You are less than nothing! You're disgusting!

TOOT!

I tell you what, Irene. If I've got to grow old, then I'm going to do it like you - disgracefully.

Drinks. Drinks!

THEY look like they've got some booze.

Yeah, they definitely have. Right, here's the plan.

You distract them and I'll go...

Irene? ..Irene?!

I didn't know how you took it, so I guessed.

Handyman... white, two sugars?

-Just white, please.

-Oh, OK.

Don't panic. Plenty more on the go.

It's white with none.

Ah, there you go. White with none. Do you need a toilet?

If you do, Malcolm said he'd take over for a bit.

Yeah, yeah. That's great, thank you.

Step this way. That's Malcolm...

an accountant by trade, made redundant when the market crashed, poor bugger.

That's my wife, Doreen.

-Hello.

-We're retired. And that's Chris, our postman.

He loves a good adventure, so he refuses to miss out on this. And there's Joan from number 7.

-Oh, the one with the stolen bin?

-Yeah, that's right.

Ollie, I got...

All right?

Over here.

-I've lost Irene.

-She's probably just got bored of you and gone home.

She's an 82-year-old lady we've stolen from a home. I need the van.

You can't have the van!

-What do you mean, stolen?

-Well, she's not technically allowed out.

-What?

-Well, she gets lonely and she wants to have fun sometimes.

Well, you'll have to find her. Yeah, you got her out, you go and find her.

I mean, Maplebury's tiny. Just go to places where old people go.

You haven't got a clue, have you?

Darren...

-Here he is.

-You still here?

Well, you've had your fun, time to move on.

No work today, Malcolm?

Listen, we're not going nowhere, right, until you give me what you owe me.

Move your van or I'm calling the police, you hear?

-The police.

-We're going nowhere. Yeah, that's it, go on!

Go on, go settle in, you little git!

Don't you worry, Gordon, we're getting to him.

Brilliant, perfect timing.

Uncle Phil will be back at 4, you're on your own till then.

-What? No, I can't.

-Hang on, you promised, you're meant to be covering while I do my exam.

-Yeah, but I've lost my mate, Irene, she's gone missing.

-Oh, her?

She was being thrown out the offie earlier.

-She stole a load of gin. Crazy bitch.

-Which way did she go?

I don't know. That way?

Darren, no! My exam! ..Oh, Darren!

PHONE RINGS

-All right, dad.

-I've got a job for you this afternoon in Latimer Gardens, quick as you can.

No, no, I can't. I'm making a stand.

Well, why didn't you say?

-Yeah, yeah, I'm getting our money back.

-Good for you!

Get some respect!

-Do you need any help?

-Ah, no. No, I'm more than OK for help, thanks.

See you in a bit.

Listen, here, I've been talking to Carol and Martin, they're looking to have some painting done.

-Are you free next week?

-Yeah, I've got to look at my dad's books but, yeah, I think I've got a few spaces.

I wouldn't bother if I were you. Shoddy workman.

I've called Emma, by the way, told her the bathroom's a disaster.

-Doesn't matter if it is.

-It's not shoddy, I did a great job.

The point is, whether the work is shoddy or not...

It's not shoddy.

..you still owe him money.

I paid him £600. £600, as agreed.

-You liar!

-So what if I am?

You can't prove anything!

This was a nice area, an area where people cared, and then YOU moved in with your all-night parties,

your bright pink shirts and your penis extension of a car, flouncing around showing all your bling

and acting all dangerous when we all know you haven't earned a penny, it's all inheritance

or Daddy's credit card. So listen up, Paris Hilton, we're not going to stand for this any more.

You pay this man his money, give this lady her bin back and start acting

like a member of this community.

Or perhaps it's time for you to move on, you enormous steaming shithead.

-OTHERS:

-Yeah!

Oh, my God, did I rush that?

No, it was incredible.

I've been practising that for weeks, I never thought I'd get to say it.

Well done, you. Very good, but it's a bit late now, isn't it?

SIREN WAILS

-Shit, is this legal?

-Well, I...

Sling it, Malcolm.

All right, boss?

Liz, why are you dressed like that? You work in a hardware store.

-I'm a police officer.

-Community Support Officer.

-Part time.

-It's not real police.

Yes, thank you, Officer Orsom.

Hey, don't laugh.

That's my actual name, I'm Martin Orsom, it's O-R-S-O-M.

-Sorry.

-Tell him about your granddad.

He was head of a Navy boat in the war.

Captain Orsom!

-How brilliant is that?!

-Can you take this seriously please?

He's grading me today, it's my policing proficiency test.

Apparently that makes him Johnny Big Bollocks!

Don't even think about writing that down.

Since when you have started all this?

I'm branching out. You don't think I'm satisfied at just the hardware store and the swimming pool, do you?

I'm a lifeguard, Tuesday and Thursday nights.

You know that.

All right, Martin. Jesus!

Have you parked here on purpose, sir?

Yes, yes, I have. That OK? I'm making a stand. A customer ripped me off.

What, again?

Come on, Liz, please.

OK.

I'm sorry, sir, but unless you move the van, under Section 21...

-Um...

-22.

-Um...

-23? 24? 25? 24a?

..Section 24a of the Police and Criminal Evidence Act of 19...um...

-84.

-..84...

-Yes.

..I will be forced to take you in.

OTHERS SHOUT IN PROTEST

NOW look!

I want these people off my lawn.

Nobody's ON the lawn.

-It's just you, me and the gnomes.

-I haven't got gnomes.

Well, you should, they'd look nice.

Just do your job and get that wanker and his van away from my house!

Shouldn't have said that.

Martin, this guy just offered to sell me drugs.

-We'll have to take him in.

-OTHERS CHEER

-Get out!

-All right!

-Go on, out of here.

-All right.

-Get out!

-She started the fight?

She's 82. What, she smashed a TV?

-Yeah, she did. If she's your mate, YOU pay for it!

-All right, all right.

Oi! You can't blame me, I didn't talk the strippers into striking!

Irene, where the bloody hell are you?

People like him, they think they can walk all over the little people.

He's turned it into a war with our community,

but the community is fighting back.

Cry havoc and let slip the dogs of war!

What are you doing?

This guy's a dick.

-He ripped off Ollie.

-Yeah, I wasn't talking to you, Liz.

-What happened?

-He ripped me off, Emma.

Was I pointing at you? No.

So wait until I am and then you can talk. What happened?

He blocked my drive and now he won't move.

And he smudged my wall.

OK.

-You, go.

-How do you even know him?

-He's my friend.

-Think I'm a little more than that.

Shh! It's Ollie's turn.

-He's thinking of investing in Care of the Dog.

-It's a really brilliant idea for a franchise.

-Thank you.

-Thank you.

-Is that the place with food aimed at people with hangovers?

-Did I say you could talk?

-I'm the police.

Good for you. Trying to sort this out. Move your van.

-Your stupid boyfriend there owes me money.

-He's not my boyfriend.

-Not what he said.

-Sorry, are you still going to do those bacon and cheese parcels?

-Find a way to end this now.

-Talk to HIM!

-The point Bobby is trying to make is this,

-people like your boyfriend...

-He's not my boyfriend.

..people like him have no friends here. If he was just honest, we could end it all now.

-Did you pay him?

-Yes.

OTHERS SHOUT IN PROTEST

All of it?

Oh, my God, this isn't Trisha!

You, in the house, I'll deal with you in a minute.

You, in the van, now.

Why is he always doing things like this?

I think it's because he's a prick.

You know that, don't you? It's his fault. I mean, you think

I'm the type of person who can just make all this happen by accident?

All right, fair enough.

This is all out of control, isn't it?

Perhaps if you get the police involved?

Yeah, why not? They're over there eating hot dogs.

Oh...

It's never going to get sorted, is it?

Emma, are you coming in?

PROTESTERS LAUGH

Oi, Captain Orsom, shouldn't you be stopping that?

That was my granddad, I'm... Do you know what, it doesn't matter.

-Ah!

-Orsom!

-Right! I'm the police, you can't just...

-Come here, you.

-Oi!

All right, everyone, let's all just calm down, OK?

We're going way too far. I'm going to put an end to this now.

I'm going to be the bigger man and go and talk to him.

THEY CHEER

Listen, will you all please just do nothing, OK?

-ALL:

-OK.

Do you think your disciples are going to be all right without you?

-THEY CHANT:

-Ollie, Ollie, Ollie, Ollie, Ollie, Ollie, Ollie...

I'll try.

This is your moment, Bobby.

This is your time.

Follow your spirit and upon this charged cry,

God for Harry, England and Saint George!

Did we get it?

Did we win? Has he paid you the full amount?

People of Maplebury,

all I will say is this...

..we don't have £600 any more!

THEY CHEER

We have...

800!

£800, he gave us 800.

-PROTESTERS:

-Aw...!

No, but it's... it's 200 more than he wanted to pay.

It's 200 less than the thousand.

-But it's good.

-Waste of time.

Because it's more than he wanted to pay. We did it, we won.

-Rubbish!

-Where you going?

No, no. Wait, just...

Hey, we're still on for all them jobs we booked in, aren't we?

Gordon... we did it, we won.

We believed in you!

Irene?

Irene?

-Whee!

-Irene!

-Dazza!

-I've been telling them all about you.

-Are you OK?

Fine, fine.

He and these young gentlemen have been pulling some phat moves. Gin?

No. Do you think it's funny to use a lost old lady for booze?

Oh, chill out, granddad, I'm fine. Well looked after.

You're an 82-year-old lady.

You shouldn't be hanging around with kids.

-You shouldn't be hanging around with...

-You.

Yeah, me.

All right, in a bit, Irene.

-Farewell, my lovelies.

-See you later.

-See you later.

It's OK, you know.

You were doing such a sweet thing.

I don't get out much.

But where did you go? I was worried.

-I

-don't know.

This old noggin ain't what it used to be. Hmm.

Just making memories while I still can.

That's my excuse. What's yours?

Nothing.

Same as you, I'm just having fun while I can.

SHE BURPS

Oh! Sorry, the gin always gets me like that.

All right, Spartacus?

No uniform?

Yeah, I failed.

-Where is everyone? I went and got your dad, I thought he'd be well proud of you.

-My dad's here?

Yeah, he's checking over the van, making sure you've not damaged it.

You got the money, then?

I got 800.

-Jesus!

-Is he still not home? He's been out for ages.

Doesn't matter any more, Darren.

Why? Did you give up, did you? Wimpy time?

Hey, I think you did really well.

Why are we still here? Let's go to the pub.

I don't get it, Dad.

I mean, how do you deal with someone like that?

How do you make them respect you?

Piece of piss.

Watch and learn, son, watch and learn.

HE RINGS DOORBELL

-Hello?

-Hello!

Thank you very much.

And that is how you get respect.

We should go now.

Right, let's go!

TYRES SQUEAL

Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd.

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