The Morning After White Van Man

# This guy love me

# This guy love me... #

Oh, bit early, aren't you?

Has she already let you in?

What are you wearing?

Oi, don't just stand there. We've got work to do.

Damn you, tequila.

Hello, earth to Darren. Give me a hand?

What, is she making us take our shoes off?

-< WOMAN:

-Darren. Darren, you still here?

Yeah.

What are you doing?

Em...

Oh, sorry! I didn't know you were here.

-Did Darren let you in?

-Yeah. Sorry, love. I'm Ollie.

-(Hey, you can see her knickers.

-I know.)

Well, get yourself sorted, I'll be down in a minute.

-Darren, I'll sort us some food in a sec.

-OK, thanks.

What? I said I was hungry. Shall we get going then, unload?

Bit eager, aren't you?

-Sorry, love, just going to nip to the van, get some more stuff.

-OK.

-I'm just gonna help him.

-Oh, OK.

-What she need to know that for?

-Why does she need to know you're doing it?

Well, I'm in her house, aren't I? It's common courtesy.

There you go - common courtesy.

You haven't got any painkillers, have you? My head's killing me.

Seriously, Darren, what are you wearing?

I'm willing to listen to other ideas, I am,

-but Hair Of The Dog, it's dead.

-Ian, I...

No, Emma, it's not making money and I can't afford

to lose any more. It's a dodo.

OK, OK. Well, I've got lots of other ideas you can invest in.

There's Fish And Dips, we serve fish with...

-No.

-Coney Island -

-Irish stew in ice-cream cones.

-Ridiculous.

-Hungry Like The Wolf?

-What's that?

Well, it's a song, isn't it, by those Rio guys?

-It's a themed restaurant.

-And what's it serve?

-Wolf.

-Goodbye.

Toast.

Toast.

The Toast Office. Beans on toast with luxury beans,

cheese on toast with cheeses from around the world,

all served with champagne to toast your toast.

Toast your toast.

Interesting.

I like the sound of that. Have you got a business plan?

-Yeah, yeah, of course.

-OK.

So I have a couple more meetings and then I've got to get the 5.16 back to London

so I can meet you here at 4.00pm when you can pitch to me, OK?

-OK.

-And Emma, here at 4.00pm, last chance.

Ian, everyone loves toast.

-You can't keep doing this, coming to the office all hungover.

-Office?

Yeah, work, a day at the office, that's what people call it.

That's what people who work in offices call it.

Had a tough day at the office? Never heard that?

Yeah I've heard loads of people say it. They all worked in offices.

-Just a common phrase, Darren.

-You're just obsessed.

Wasn't your restaurant idea an office thing?

Yeah. The Toast Office. Not going to happen now though, is it?

Yeah, well, good cos it will break your dad's heart.

-She's pretty fit, though, isn't she?

-She's massively out of your league.

-No, she's not, we're both nines.

-You're both... OLLIE LAUGHS

-You're a low seven at best.

-Oh, thought about it, have you?

-No.

-You said it. Can't take it back now. You think I'm a seven.

-A low seven.

Doesn't matter, it's out there. You want me and I'm sorry to say,

but as a low seven, four points out of your league.

Grow up.

Sexual harassment in the workplace, that is,

checking me out whilst I do my job.

-Why is there a suit? You don't actually think this is an office?

-It's my dad's, from the dry-cleaners.

-They are some pimp lapels.

-Yeah, I know. He bought it in '78.

-"One good suit to last you your whole life, son."

-Jesus.

-Yeah, I know.

-Darren?

I've rustled us up some coffee and croissants.

OK, I'm just helping here, there's a lot of stuff to carry.

-OK, well don't be too long.

-I won't.

What was that about?

DARREN MUMBLES

MOBILE PHONE RINGS

-Oh, yes. Hello.

-'Hi, listen, that idea you had, the Toast Office,'

do you have a business plan?

-Yeah, sort of, why?

-OK, great. Listen, where are you?

-I'm coming over.

-'I'm working.'

-Yeah, well, I need the address. I've found an investor.

-How'd you manage that?

-'It's a business contact.'

Look, can you tell me where you are? I've driven round this roundabout four times.

Well, let's meet for dinner.

No, I've got to pitch this at 4.00 today.

-I can't, I'll be working.

-I don't need you, I'll pitch it myself.

Listen, it's my idea, I'll pitch it.

All right, just tell me where your business plan is and hurry up - I feel sick.

It's in my house, in the lounge, in the top drawer of the sideboard?

OK, great, I'm coming over.

Toast Office, baby!

Come on!

-Was that the hospital? Cleared you of knob-rot, have they?

-Ha-ha(!)

-Come on, give us a hand with this.

-Sure thing. No worries, boss, whatever you need.

A question - the lady who lives here,

-don't suppose you know her name? I've been racking my brains all morning.

-What?

What are you talking about?

OK, just there.

-What are you doing, why are you helping him?

-I'm just being nice...

Miss L McKeith. Why, thank you, Mr D Brown.

-Why hasn't it got her first name?

-I don't know, it just doesn't.

Bollocks.

Louise? Liz? I hope not, that's my sister's name.

-Nice place you got here. How long you been here?

-About three years.

Darren, brunch is ready.

-Whoa, whoa, whoa, where are YOU going?

-Brunch.

We've got work to do.

Just let me have a pastry and then I'll help.

No, Darren, it's a two-man job. Got to be out of here by 4.00.

Why, what are you doing?

Going to the hospital to deal with my knob-rot. Darren,

seriously, what are you wearing? OK, that's a Top Shop blouse.

Listen, I spilt a drink on myself before you came here and she leant it to me.

That's not appropriate. I shouldn't find you wearing a client's clothes.

-I caught your dad trying on a bra once.

-No, you didn't.

Did you?

So I've had to take the day off for the handyman.

Do you fancy sticking around? Not if you've got to go to work.

Yeah, yeah, I'll stick around for a bit.

Oh, perfect, I wasn't sure if you'd be needed today or not.

Must be nice to be the boss.

Sorry, sorry, he's...

He's the what now?

Darren, he runs his own firm.

-Oh, my God!

-Oh, God, Darren.

-Oh, I'm sorry.

-Quick, quick, get a cloth. Coffee stain.

-Oh, all right.

-Coffee stain.

I shagged her last night. I met her in a club.

I was sneaking out this morning and you were at the front door.

-Oh, hang on, what?

-Last night. I nailed her.

You nailed her?

Twice.

And they say romance is dead.

I'm sorry, I'm so clumsy.

Don't worry about it, it's no biggie.

DARREN MOUTHS

(What?

(She doesn't know I'm a handyman.

(Why not?

(I don't know, I just made stuff up. She doesn't know I know you.)

-All done.

-Brilliant.

-Oh, crap!

-What are you doing?!

-I'm so sorry!

You'll need a bigger cloth.

-Oh,

-I

-am, am I? You get it, it's your mess,

you clean it up. Under the kitchen sink.

-Ollie, do you want to give us a hand?

-Why do you need him?

I don't know why he's stood here. I'm paying you to work. Fireplace.

Yeah, sorry.

I'm just going to go and get those papers.

Oi, what did you lie for?

-I just made stuff up to get her into bed.

-Stuff like what?

I don't know, I can't remember.

Oh, oh, ashamed of being a handyman, are you, eh?

Not good enough for you, are we?

Here are those documents you said you'd look at for me. Do you mind?

Not at all. Great.

Sounds very important. What is it you do for a living, Darren?

Sorry, would you just mind getting on with your work, please.

Oh, come on, I'm just interested in what it is you do for a living.

What's your, er... What's your job?

Are you just going to annoy my friend or fit my fireplace?

Yes, I'm glad I'm not employing you if this is what you're going to be like.

I was just asking Oliver to pop round next week and give me

a quote on my pool house.

I'm retiling my pool house,

but he says he's really bad at tiling...and plumbing.

Strange, I thought that'd be just another day at the office for you.

OLLIE MOUTHS

MOBILE PHONE RINGS

Oh, I'm sorry. I might have to take this.

Bloody cowboys.

-Are you wearing my blouse?

-Yeah.

Sorry to keep you waiting. Oliver Curry speaking, how can I help?

"Sorry to keep you waiting, Oliver Curry speaking."

You sound like a dick.

Sorry, I thought you were someone else.

-What, someone who's a dick?

-Dad, did you withhold your number?

I didn't want anyone listening in, it's a private call.

It makes the number private, it doesn't make...

-You know, it doesn't matter. What's up?

-Nothing much,

just thought I'd ring for a chat, you know, see how you are.

-And...oh, yes, I need you to go to the bookies for me, place a bet.

-No.

It's important, I've tried Darren but I couldn't get hold of him.

-I need you to do it before 3.00.

-Dad, I'm working, go yourself.

Look, it's just one bet, Ollie. I need you to do this.

Dad, I'm not going to the bookies, end of.

DOORBELL RINGS

-Hi, Ollie said I should come over.

-You're not pregnant, are you?

-What, no, why would I...?

-Always worth asking.

What can I do for you?

I need to get his business... some paperwork.

-I know where it is, can I get it?

-Go for your life.

A-ha, bingo...

Oh, my God - this is rubbish!

Oh, he's going to make me look like an idiot.

-Where's he working? I need to see him now.

-You know what,

-I could do with yelling at him myself. Give us a lift and we'll both go.

-OK.

How tall are you?

Six foot, five and a half. Why?

No reason.

"Property claim?" What do you think that is? Estate agent, maybe I'm an estate agent.

I'll tell you what you are - a handyman, so give me a hand.

"Purchase of plant equipment?"

I never would have said I'm a gardener, that's worse than a handyman.

What did I say I do?

-I don't care, right? Just get this sorted before it gets worse.

-Hey up!

-It's worse.

-I need a word.

-Me too.

-What are you doing here?

Darren, I... Oh, who are you?

Don't worry, we won't come in. Messy shoes, don't want to ruin the carpet.

-I'm sorry, this is my dad, this is Emma. I'm dealing with it.

-OK, I'm Lucy.

Lucy!

-This is Lucy.

-What are you doing here?

-Your dad told me where you were so we drove over.

-In your car?

-Not now, Darren.

-Do you two know each other?

-Yeah,

I did some work for her dad. It was a problem with a tree.

-BOTH: Wasn't it the bathroom?

-Yeah, the tree was blocking the light to the bathroom.

-Right.

-Yeah.

I read your proposal, it is shocking.

-It needs focussing, formatting.

-Not now.

-We need to sort it. It doesn't just affect you!

Fine, outside.

Please, just give me a minute, please.

Hey, what's he up to?

I think she might be up the duff.

Emma, I can't do this now, I've got to be working...

Oh, my God! Did you put my dad in that car? He's supposed to be relaxing.

Your plan is rubbish! You may as well have signed it with a thumbprint!

-Why can't we rearrange for tomorrow?

-Jesus, Ollie, you don't get it!

-It's got to be today, Ollie, today!

-Right, calm down.

ENGINE PUTTERS

-I brought the fireplace adhesive you need.

-What adhesive? I didn't ask for adhesive.

Darren rang me. How else you planning on attaching it to the wall?

-I'm just...

-Don't tell me you were going to nail it on?

-Oh, my God, you were!

-Here you are, let's have a look.

I know what this is about - beans on toast with luxury bloody beans.

What, we're not good enough for you now? Cheers, sis.

-What is his problem?

-Where's he going?

-Brunch.

-Will somebody please tell me what the hell is going on?

-Exactly.

Emma thinks she might have found me an investor. You know, for the Toast Office.

She's got to meet the guy at 4.00.

Thank God for that. I thought you'd knocked her up.

-What?

-What?

-What?

-I haven't.

-He really hasn't.

-I should have known better.

I mean she's a ten, you're a four at best.

A four?! You're OK with this though, Dad, the restaurant thing?

-Yeah, sounds like a good opportunity.

-Tony!

-Where's the meeting?

-On the High Street.

That's perfect - right near the bookies! I need this put on by 3.00.

-OK, but the meeting's at 4.00.

-The cash and details are inside.

-Dad, why can't you just put the bet on yourself?

-Politics.

Now, look here! She's not paying you to stand around and gossip, you know.

DARREN MOUTHS

I'll place the bloody bet, if only to get away Sideshow Bob for an hour.

-I'll go and tell Lucy.

-Great, I'll give you a lift.

-You're going to have fit this fireplace.

-What is going on?

-So if it's on the party wall then the regulations are different, aren't they?

-If you like.

Right, I'm going to have to nip out for a bit.

-What about my fireplace?

-My dad's going to take over.

-Listen, Dad, take it easy.

-Comprende!

-All right?

Use Darren as much as you can.

-Right then, numb nuts, give us a hand with this.

-Er, Tony...

-Darren!

-Oh, my God, do you know everyone?

-No.

So how do you two know each other?

(Bloody tequila.)

I'll go to the cafe, start the business plan, you place the bet then meet me.

Right, I won't be long.

-All right?

-Just this, please, love.

What's that?

Him? He's banned.

We think he's the ringleader of a local betting syndicate.

The ringleader?

Horses run badly for races, then when the odds are stupid-to-one

they let it run properly and make a wedge of cash.

-What, it's a scam?

-We've got their number.

They all bet a load of money, say 200 quid each,

loads of them at a load of different bookies

about an hour before the race is due to be run.

It's tricky to catch it.

-Do you know that guy?

-Who, him?

-Nah, never seen him before in my life.

-Fair enough.

-So what can I do for you?

-Erm...

Ach, you know, I don't think I'm going to bet today after all.

Oh, really?! But you've got the slip all filled out.

Yeah, change of heart. You've got to be strong - it is an addiction.

-Show me that slip.

-No.

-Why not?

-Private.

After what I told you, suddenly you don't want to bet?

Changed my mind. Haven't got the money.

Yeah, you do, it's there in your hand. I'd say that looks like, what, 200 quid?

Well, thanks anyway, love,

it's been lovely to talk to you, but I've got to get going.

Ronnie!

You can't be serious, what are you going to do?

Darren, I know you like helping people, but this is getting stupid.

Yeah, I...

MOBILE PLAYS THEME FROM AUF WIEDERSEHEN PET

Hello.

Hello, Dad, it's me. I'm not able to make it back to work today. I'm being held at the bookies.

'Any thoughts why?'

-What's up?

-Ollie's being held at the bookies, they won't let him leave.

If they keep him there, he'll miss his meeting. Genius.

-No. No, I can't, it's his dream.

-Sorry love, I've got to go.

No, no, no, this is... I can't take another day off work. He said it was a one-day job.

-Can't be helped. Me son's in a pickle.

-This needs finishing!

There's not a lot we can do, is there?

-Of course there is. Darren, can't you help? You're a lawyer.

-Lawyer, I'm a lawyer!

I'm a lawyer.

Don't try nothing funny or Ronnie'll have you.

I-I came in to place a bet, right,

and I changed my mind and then I wanted to leave.

You can't just hold me here against my will.

You know as well as I do that that was a dodgy bet.

So tell me who runs the scam!

-I don't know.

-Right, show me some ID.

Come on!

Oliver Josh Curry. Posh.

Well, not really, my dad wanted to call me Rogan.

Rogan Josh Curry.

-Don't mess with me.

-I'm not. You don't know me dad.

Who's this fella?

I've never seen him before in my life.

Ollie, where are you?

-ENGAGED TONE

-Oh, you have got to be kidding me.

-This is illegal, you know, I've got to be somewhere.

-Then tell me who he is!

-You're not going nowhere till you do.

-Right!

Darren Brown.

Brown and Brown...and, er, Brown... lawyers?

Got a card.

This is for a dry-cleaners.

Yeah. Yeah, we share an office.

Together, we're cleaning up this town.

No?

I'm here to represent him,

so can somebody please tell me what the God damn hell is going on?!

Am I allowed a moment alone with my client?

Isn't that what usually happens?

Whatever. You've got two minutes.

I'll just go and see if I've got any knickers that need washing.

Maybe you can take them back to the office with you.

What?

-Oh, yeah, thanks. They'll be happy for the work.

-I want a name.

Ronnie!

What are you doing? Is that my dad's suit? Are they my sunglasses?

-Yeah they are, I'm just trying... Oi.

-Where are the lenses?

-I pushed them out.

-What for?

-Well, I'm trying to look clever.

-Darren, what are you doing here?

I couldn't help it.

You rang and then what's-her-face insisted we come down and help you.

She really wants a fireplace.

-How are you going to help?

-Well, apparently, I'm a lawyer.

I think we've got a really strong case.

Darren, you're not an actual lawyer.

-Ssh, I know, just stay strong.

-Darren, I don't care.

Just get me out of here, I'm going to be late.

What, for your investor thing?

-I should leave you here so you miss it.

-Why don't you then?

I mean, days like these and you wonder why I want to do something else?

It's not about you. It's about your dad.

-It didn't bother him earlier.

-And you believed him?

Ollie, it's your dad.

You don't get it, right,

the business is only thing keeping him going.

-Right, time's up.

-Fine.

So, I ask you again, who were you putting that bet on for?

My client was putting the bet on for himself.

-No, he wasn't, he's part of a scam.

-No, he's not. Look at him.

-He couldn't pull a scam, he's not all there.

-Are you taking the piss?

Hey, hey, whoa, no, no, no. No, I'm not, no...

I just think it's nice that they let him out once in a while.

Why's he here again?

Cos Ronnie'll break his legs if he leaves.

See, now I KNOW that that's illegal, someone tried to do that to me once.

Hang on, so you've kept him here for over an hour-and-a-half

and even I know that's kidnapping, and that's a crime.

Yeah?

Yeah.

Yeah!

Nice suit. How did it go?

-I'm a legal genius.

-Knew it.

-They're idiots in there.

-Yeah.

Quick, I need the van keys, I've got to go. Hurry up.

Are you lot still here?

What the f...? It's bloody you.

-I've never seen him before in my life.

-Ronnie!

I'll meet you in the pub, Darren.

What about my fireplace?

So what this is, this is your business plan!

I have silent partner, Ollie, he's meant to be here.

-OK, so where is he? Why don't you give him a call?

-Well, I've tried,

but my phone's being an idiot, I keep having to use the payphone.

Maybe it's been cut off. You have been paying the bill, haven't you?

Ah-ha-ha! That'll be it, I've been cut off.

-I'm just going to pop outside and see if I can get some reception.

-OK.

Liz! Oh, my God! Oh, my God! OK, OK, I need you to do me a favour.

VOICES CAN NOT BE HEARD

And here she is. My business partner Liz.

Er, yeah, Liz, business partner.

Right. I thought we were expecting Ollie?

Yes, short for Olivia, Olizia. Ollie, Liz, she uses both.

Hmm. And I thought that SHE was going to be a he.

LIZ LAUGHS

-Post-op.

-What?

Erm, hey, Emma, why don't you tell him that funny story about when you met Ollie? Er, that's me.

-I don't think Ian has time.

-No, no.

I'd be quite interested to hear that story of how you two met.

Yeah, we went to catering college together, that's WHEN we met.

Tell him HOW we met.

When we first met, I was dressed as a clown.

Happy?

It's brilliant. I love that story.

Yeah. It's... It's really funny. Erm, Toast Office?

-Yes, I...

-Yeah, you know what?

I stole that off an old mate of mine.

I'll text you his number, Em, you should get him on board.

-We need to sort this out now...

-You know what?

You should invest. It's a brilliant idea,

but do yourself a favour and get the brains on board.

I'll leave you with this clown.

-Em, I thought Olizia was the brains?

-She has issues.

Evidently.

Look, to be honest with you, I like the idea, and Maplebury seems like a wonderful area, but really...

Yeah, no, no. Have another drink, I'm buying...

Wait, wait, wait. You save your money.

I've a feeling you're going to need it.

I tell you what, I'll give you a call.

Oh, urgh! Ollie!

'Ollie, it's Emma. I've got to be quick, I'm using a payphone.

'Where the hell are you? Oh! I'm running out of money.'

No, no, no! It's not my fault!

'You dick, it took a lot for me to set this up,

'so don't you dare leave me here in a phone box that stinks of piss. It's too important. Oh, crap!'

-Shit!

-'I can't believe you've done this! I'm making excuses, but Ian's leaving. This is not acceptable.

'And you owe me for all these calls, you wanker.'

Perfect! Yes, that's me, I'm the wanker. Go to the bookies!

I'll miss my meeting, don't worry! It was only a chance of a lifetime.

This is me. I'm the white van man. Brilliant!

Jesus Christ!

-I'm sorry.

-Where the hell were you?

-It wasn't my fault.

-It never is.

-I've had a nightmare.

Well, that's all you'll get from now on. How could you do this to me?

-I didn't mean to do...

-I wake up in a shitty room that used to be mine.

-What?

-My phone's been cut off. I think. It's hard to say cos the reception is shocking.

What network are you on?

They were going to give you money, Ollie. I got here on time, I had the business plan

and for once I was letting you in.

Letting you in and you did this to me.

-And my Christian Louboutin's are covered in tramp piss.

-OLLIE SNIGGERS

-Sorry.

-Don't laugh at me!

Argh!

And, do you know what? Hair Of The Dog, shit idea.

It's not a shit idea. It's brilliant.

MUSIC: "Another One Bites The Dust" by Queen

-You look good.

-Thanks. I got another date. I told this one I was a brain surgeon.

Brain surgeons wear suits, right?

Anyway, as your lawyer, I feel I should remind you that that was just one investor.

There are loads more and someone will give you the cash.

Just do it for yourself. It's your idea, the Toast Office. That's a good business investment.

Thanks, Dad.

But then so's Curry's Home Maintenance.

I'm just saying.

Oh, cheers, mate, thank you.

-Doesn't he want paying?

-Nah.

They've been on the house all night, mate.

I told the landlord I'd look at some legal documents.

I'm a lawyer, don't you know.

-See, that's all day I've got that.

-There's no wonder I retired, is there?

THEY LAUGH

Darren, have you had a look in the mirror? Serious.

Jealous?!

THEY LAUGH

# There's plenty of ways that you can hurt a man

# And beat him to the ground

# You can beat him, you can cheat him, you can treat him bad

# And leave him when he's down, yeah

# But I'm ready Yes, I'm ready for you

# I'm standing on my own two feet

# Out of the doorway the bullets rip

# Repeating the sound of the beat

# Oh, yeah

# Another one bites the dust... #