Honest White Van Man

Seriously, you're just gonna sit there?

Yeah. That's pointless. I don't know why you're doing it.

It's what we're getting paid for.

Come on, grab a brush.

I don't think so.

Oi, is that my tee-shirt?

Yeah, I found it in the van.

-What-What are you doing?

-It needs to be darker.

Darren?

Darren, Darren...

-Why?

-Well, basically, my brother's out of town,

he left me in charge of his flat, I had a party and I got a stain on the sofa.

-So you thought you'd ruin my tee-shirt?

-No, I'm trying to recreate the stain.

He loves that sofa, if he finds out I've stained it he'll rip my nuts off. I've tried everything.

-Have you tried some lemon juice, few drops of vinegar?

-No, I haven't,

-Mrs Curry. Is that meant to work?

-Well, I'm only trying to help.

You haven't seen the stain. It's one of Wayne's cocktails.

The last time he made it I got some in my hair and it turned ginger, seriously.

I didn't get laid for months. My balls were aching, man.

Well, you owe me a new tee-shirt. And for God's sake,

-will you help me with this painting?

-No chance. I told you. Total waste of time.

Working hard there, boys?

-Painting my little heart out.

-It's looking good, Martha.

Glad to hear it.

-See, she'll never know.

-Darren, just because she's blind doesn't mean we take the piss.

She's not bothered. Look, check it out.

Martha, did you ask for the walls to be this colour or was it the Council?

I couldn't give a shit, love.

Council repaints every four years by law.

Just get it done and get gone as quick as you can. No offence.

-None taken. See, leave it.

-Oi, I've worked hard to get us this Council contract,

-we're good honest handymen, I want people to see that.

-She won't.

-Darren.

-She can't see anything.

-That's not the point.

-It kind of is.

-Just get a brush.

Never gonna happen.

Forget it.

Darren...

keep the tee-shirt, it's yours.

Bit too much yellow.

-Thanks, Ollie.

-Hey, it's no problem.

I mean you could have told me before.

Oh yeah, sure. Remember that restaurant idea I nicked off you? Well, it's dying on its arse.

You could have put it better than that. I mean, it's not...

Ollie!

What are you looking at?

Wow...that came from nowhere.

-Yeah, I...I was a bit nervous so I just thought I'd go for it.

-Well, you certainly did that.

-What's that noise?

-It's nothing, it's... Oh my God.

-Isn't that your dad?

-Yeah, I think it is.

-Hello, Tony.

-Hello, Debbie. Have you seen the state of your roof tiles?

Dad.

-What you doing?

-Nothing, no, I was just passing. Saw Debbie had some broken tiles.

-You did, did you?

-Yes, so I thought I'd be public spirited,

you know, knock on her door, give your mum a free quote to fix them.

-Oh, that's very kind.

-That's unbelievable.

That would have been nasty wouldn't it, Tone?

Might have made me go all doolally.

A little bit more doolally, Debbie. What are you like?

Dad, can I have a word, please?

No, not now, son, I'm working.

Shall I send Darren over tomorrow?

Oh, won't it be you, Tony?

I was going to make some muffins.

-If only it could be. If only it could be.

-Aw...

-Shall we go now?

-Yeah, I think we should.

Ollie, lunch tomorrow?

Yeah, I'll give you a call.

Tony, I'll see you soon.

I can't believe you're still doing that.

If I left it for you to find work, we'd bloody starve.

Dad, we're doing things differently now, by the book, nothing dodgy.

-Sure, simple as that.

-What?

Nothing.

Come on, what?

-You've been driving round on a fake tax disc for two weeks.

-You what?

Dad, I'm just trying to be honest from now on, please.

-You've got to bend the rules a bit.

-You don't bend the rules, you smash them to bits.

That's slander!

So I woke up this morning as usual, surrounded by my dad's gym equipment

-and I then get a call from my investor, Ian. He's had my idea for the Toast Office...

-My idea.

-Your idea.

-Yeah, yeah.

..circling in his head all week.

Anyway, long story short, having seen Maplebury he's willing to invest. He thinks it's a winner.

-Oh my God.

-I know. He wants to open on the high street.

That's amazing.

So this morning I had a look and there's a property for lease.

Yeah, yeah, Doris's, the old 'haberdoushary'.

-A what?

-'Haberdoushary,' you know it sells fabrics and needles, that kind of thing.

No that's a 'haberdishery'. No, hab...

Oh, you've made me forget now.

-Doris.

-Doris's. Anyway, it's perfect but if we don't get it'll be ages

before something else comes up and I'll lose Ian so...

-So let's make sure we get it.

-I was hoping you'd say that.

So the estate agent's have gone to sealed bids and there's only one other bidder, Archie Dunthorne.

Oh yeah, he's the Peter Stringfellow of Maplebury, he's 56 years old and only wears leopard-print underwear.

Don't ask me how people know that but they do.

So we need to go in with a higher bid.

Well, what we really need to do is find out what the other bid is.

-Yeah, that'd be good.

-I don't even know how we would do that. How would we do that?

I don't know.

Unless you broke into the estate agent's and had a look.

Yeah, if only I knew someone who would be willing to do that.

-Yeah, it'd be a big help.

-There must be someone though, mustn't there?

Let me think, who do I know who would know someone who could get

that bid for us, who'd do something like that?

Wouldn't that be just perfect...for us?

Oh!

Darren, listen, I need a favour.

-Wait, wait. You are not going to believe this.

-No, no, no, me first.

-You've not done any painting.

-Yes I have.

It's a shame she'll never see it.

-Darren, I don't pay you to mess about.

-You don't pay me, your dad pays me.

-No,

-I

-pay you.

Hang on, is my dad still paying you? Are you getting paid twice?

No, shut up. Why would your dad be paying me? It's your business. It's a joke, man, it's a joke.

Lighten up, it's funny.

Anyway, listen, right, I need a big favour.

Me too. Check this out.

That is exactly the same as my brother's sofa.

-Don't even think about it.

-It's the same size, same colour, same everything.

-I'm not swapping a blind woman's sofa for a stained one at your brother's flat.

-Yeah, but she'll never know.

She'll have friends who aren't blind.

They'll think it was her. I bet she's always bumping into stuff.

-We don't rip people off, Darren.

-All right. What do

-you

-want?

I need you to get someone to break into the estate agent's to look at some paperwork for me.

-Oh, and that's really honest.

-I'm not hurting anyone.

-Why would you think I would know someone that could that anyway?

-Um, because you do.

-What, because I'm half white?

-I'll tell your brother about the stain.

-I'll make some calls.

-Good. Sort that wall out.

Come on. Jesus! Where've you been? I've been sat here all conspicuous. Have you found someone?

Hey, calm down, Ronnie Biggs, it's all under control. He's on his way.

-Why I'm even doing this?

-To get your end away.

-It's not just that.

-You could have fooled me.

Come here, come here.

Who do you even know that can come and do this?

-Oi oi!

-No, no way. It's not happening, no.

-Couldn't have parked much closer, could you?

-Anyone could see us from here. It's good a job your advertising's shit.

-DARREN LAUGHS

Why him? It's Ricky.

Look, look, to show there's no hard feelings, how about this sat nav?

-Fancy it? You ain't got one in the van.

-Because you nicked it.

-Whatever, do you want it?

-Yeah, go on then.

-Call it 50 quid.

-Away.

-I'll throw in a couple of DVDs for your dad and all.

-No, thank you.

-Suit yourself.

-All right, Dazza?

-Yes, yes.

BOTH: Clack-clack!

-Do you know what we need?

-Yeah, shall we?

Whoa, whoa. Hey, what do you mean, we?

We're not going in there, just you.

No, I can get you in but I don't know what you're looking for, that's down to you.

I'm not going in there. It's illegal. Got a bright yellow tee-shirt on.

Oh, stop being such a girl. There's no alarms, no cameras, nothing.

Just you, me and the D Dog, in and out, that's the deal.

Oh, D Dog?

Can you just get us in?

I need a credit card.

Eh? What?

Cheers.

Right, let's get to work.

-Can I have my card back?

-Sh.

-God, I'm good.

-ALARM BEEPS QUIETLY

15 seconds till the alarm.

Now, imagine if she didn't shag you now, that would be embarrassing.

What am I even doing here?

Now that's the kind of place I want.

Yeah, it's nice but in all honesty if I was paying that I'd want a third bedroom.

-Yeah, but how long's a piece of string?

-Oi! Oi!

-Come on, the alarm! What you doing?

-All right, keep your knickers on.

Quick. Quick! It's going to go off.

Quick, quick! Quick!

-BEEPING STOPS

-And you know what?

-For that price I'd want a garden and all.

-Yeah.

-Hey, is that it done?

-Yeah.

-How did you do that?

I know, I know. Is it cos you can see where it's worn and which ones are used more? No, no, it's not.

-It's a standard number for all keypads. That's it, isn't it?

-Why's he whispering?

-Because he thinks if he talks too loud we're going to get caught.

-Shit!

Oh, it was close then, that car.

You two just stand there?

Find the paperwork!

-Where will it be?

-I don't know - check where the sealed bids are.

-Where's that?

-I

-don't know!

Next to the 'I can't believe we've broken and I want to get out of here quick' cupboard.

Hey, no need to be like that. I don't have to be here, you know.

Yes, you do. You're here so I'll let you swap that sofa with your brother's.

But what am I even doing here?

Shit, police!

Oh, ha-ha(!) Very funny. I don't care now. I'm going, right? I don't care.

-What about the papers for Emma?

-I knew it. It's always a woman.

I don't care, right? I'm going.

-I'm leaving.

-Say, wait, wait!

Is this what you're looking for?

"Sealed bids for the 'hayberdayshery' "?

-That's it!

-Oi, sofa.

Give it here!

Right, right, right, OK.

Pen doesn't work.

-Ricky!

-It's an addiction.

Put everything back.

-We can't let people know we've been here.

-Fine.

OK.

Milk?! It was by the kettle. Look, I can't help it, all right?

Right, Darren. Put these back.

Right, that's it. Let's go, let's go.

-What you doing?

-Look at them.

They're just so...beautiful.

My God, why have I never thought of this before?

Think of the treasures.

No, don't you dare. Get out. Get out.

All right, all right.

Can you believe that, we did it? It was amazing.

Oh, my God!

-It's midnight, does he not take any time off?

-Do you want me to get that off for you?

-No, no. It's fine. You've done more than enough, thank you. How much do we owe you?

-Oh, nothing.

-Nothing?

-Yeah, people like us, we've got to stick together.

Don't say that. I'm nothing like you. I'm not a criminal.

-Oi, I'm just doing my job.

-You might want to have a think about what it is you actually do.

-You're one to talk!

Look, let's just say you owe me a favour and when I need something and I think you can help,

-I'll give you a call.

-I'm not owing you anything.

Sorry, mate, you already do. See you later, Darren, yeah?

Yeah, see you later, Ricky.

-Do you know if Darren's brother's home tonight?

-No, he's out of town. Why?

No reason.

Ricky...

Prick. Grrr!

How much is it for declamping? I'll have to go the cash point.

Hasn't he still got your credit card?

No.

-Shit!

-Oi, I'm having that sofa.

-# Stop your messing around

-Ah-ah-ah

-# Better think of your future

-Ah-ah-ah

-# Time you straightened right out

-Ah-ah-ah

-# Creating problems in town

-Ah-ah-ah... #

Martha! I'm just going to move the sofa slightly, so don't come in and sit down.

OK, love.

(And when I say slightly, I mean to the other side of town.)

-# Stop your fooling around

-Ah-ah-ah

-# Time you straighten right out

-Ah-ah-ah

-# Better think of your future

-Ah-ah-ah

-# Else you'll wind up in jail

-Ah-ah-ah

# Rudi, a message to you

# Rudi, a message to you... #

Darren?

Have you got the front door open?

Bloody workmen. I'm freezing me tits off here.

-# Stop your messing around

-Ah-ah-ah

-# Better think of your future

-Ah-ah-ah

-# Time you straighten right out

-Ah-ah-ah

-# Creating problems in town

-Ah-ah-ah

# Rudi, a message to you Rudi... #

Darren, was that you? Are you all right?

Yeah, I'm all right, thanks.

So?

Oh my God, you did it.

-I didn't think you... How did you even get this?

-Who's saying I did?

Ha-ha! This is fantastic!

-I know.

-It's so much lower than I thought. I've got to phone Ian.

-Well, he's probably busy.

-Sh.

Hi, Ian, it's Emma.

Listen, don't ask me how I know but I know Dunthorne's bid. Yeah.

We can go in at 50k.

Yeah, no, no, seriously, we can.

OK, bye. I've got to get on.

-What the f...?

-How did it go?

Will she let you bang her now?

Darren?

Where... Are you in the cupboard?

Yeah.

I've locked him in there, the thieving little turd.

Oh, what, um...

-What did he try to steal?

-Are you blind?

Even I know there's a five-foot sofa stuck in the door.

-Yeah, I just didn't know whether you'd tried to...

-Don't patronise me, you knob end.

-Your little helper...

-Um, business partner.

..tried to steal MY sofa.

-Actually, I was only swapping it.

-Look, OK, I'm really, really sorry.

-Why don't we just put the sofa back, we'll finish our work and we'll leave you alone?

-I don't think so, mush.

I want compensation or I'm going to the press.

-Come on, to say what?

-That a Council-employed handyman tried to steal a sofa off a blind woman.

-But...

-Yeah, and you locked me in the cupboard.

-And if you don't shut up I'll punch you in the nut sack.

OK, OK. What is it you want?

Tell you what - get me free internet and satellite TV and I'll forget all about it.

What? We're not like that, we're by the book, we don't...

Oh, flick a switch, twiddle a cable, free internet and TV.

-We can't do that.

-I could do it.

-There you go.

-But I want the sofa.

-Darren.

-I'm just going to swap it for a stained one.

-Deal.

-Deal.

-Deal?

We're not all dodgy workmen, you know.

-All right, deal.

-Yay!

-Sorted. Want me to let him out?

-Not really.

Hello?

I need the toilet.

Uncle Phil, will you hurry up with that stuff!

-<

-It's heavy. I'm very old.

Ooh, the man of my dreams.

Oh good, sarcastic Liz is working.

-<

-Hello, Ollie.

-Hiya, Phil.

< CLATTERING

-<

-Bloody hell!

-What's he doing?

-Showing off. Ignore him. What can I do for you?

I need a phone splitter and a couple of router cables, please.

Ooh, are you getting free internet?

-No, no.

-Uncle Phil, when you bring up that box, we need a couple of router cables too.

-<

-I think I hurt my leg when I fell.

No, you didn't. ..He didn't.

-So, um, you pop anything in those pockets when I wasn't looking?

-No, no, why would I do that?

Is it going on your tab or are you going to wait till I turn my back and then leg it?

Why you going on like I'm going to n...?

You know, don't you? Darren's told you. I don't believe it.

-I can explain.

-You don't need to.

CRASHING AND CLATTERING

-<

-OK. This time I think I hurt my hip.

He's such an attention-seeker.

Do you want to get out of here?

-What?

-Uncle Phil, I'm popping out.

-I think I'm really hurt.

PHIL GROANS

-You all right, Phil?

-Come on.

-<

-Blasted girl. Always popping out.

Rastafari...

You know your problem, Curry?

-Your brother?

-Yeah, apart from Darren.

You just keep assuming everything's broken.

Well, I'm a handyman. I'd be out of a job if it wasn't.

You know what I mean.

You keep looking for things that you don't need. You keep trying to fix things that don't need fixing.

You just need to stop and look around at what you already have.

OK.

-I mean, this stuff with the estate agent's is so stupid.

-I know.

It's not even good stupid like Steve Martin or Monty Python.

It's bad stupid like Kerry Katona or Transformers 2.

-I hope you've got a point at the end of this.

-Yeah, I do, um, listen...

What I'm trying to say is...

-PHONE RINGS

-Bloody hell.

-Hello?

-'Liz, my back is broken!

-'My back is broken!'

-No, it's not broken!

-Just get up and walk it off!

-'Wait, wait!'

Sorry. Um...

SHE SIGHS

Look, what I'm...

What I'm trying to say is sometimes you've already got what you need.

Sometimes it's right in front of your face.

You know what, Liz? You're right.

I just need to tell Archie Dunthorne Emma's bid.

What? No...no, that's not what I meant.

No, but it is, it is. It's perfect. I can straighten things out, right my wrongs.

You tell Phil he can keep his phone splitter I won't be needing it.

-Ollie...

-Liz, you're brilliant. How are you possibly still single?

I... See you in a bit.

You tell me.

# Yeah, yeah, yeah

# Everything I try to do

# Seems to go wrong

# It seems I have done something wrong

# Why they trying to keep me down?

# Who God bless no one curse

# Thank God I'm not the worst

# Better must come one day

# Better must come

# They can't conquer me

# Better must come, yeah. #

OLLIE GRUNTS

-Stop pushing it.

-I'm not pushing, you're pushing it.

-Twist it...

-That's what I'm trying to do!

-No, get the arm through first.

-I've got my foot trapped.

Yeah, I'll sign for the cable, mate.

Right.

# Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah... #

-Thank you.

-Cheers.

-Cheers.

-Right, my right or your right?

-My right.

-Right.

-My right.

-Right, yeah.

-Stop turning it to the left!

-I'm going to kill you in a minute.

-Bloody workmen.

What's wrong with you?

-That's it. It's all fixed.

-Oh, thanks, Ollie.

-What do I owe you?

-Oh, let's just call it quits.

Well, don't I owe you anything?

No, just think of it as goodwill.

Oh...

I'll leave you two to it.

-Say hi to your dad from me.

-Yes, I will.

-How are you doing?

-I feel like I've got nothing left to do but to apply for The Apprentice.

Can I have a hug?

Course you can. Here.

I can't believe he upped his bid.

That's mental, why would he do that?

I don't know. I'm sorry we didn't get it.

Yeah, me too.

What am I going to do now?

Hey, what are WE going to do now?

-Oh, you're all right, aren't you? You've got the van.

-Yes, I've got the van.

-You can come and work for me.

-Ha-ha-ha-ha(!)

-Ha-ha!

That was nice.

-PHONE RINGS

-Sorry.

Who's number's that?

-Hello.

-'Oi oi! So,'

here's the deal, favour's a favour and it's time to cash it in.

-What are you and your van doing right now?

-Hang on.

-Sorry, it's another job I've got to finish.

-Oh.

-Oh, I thought we could go for dinner or...

-Don't think I can.

-No, it's fine.

-Anyway, there's nowhere good to eat round here.

All right, well, listen, I'll, um,

see you tomorrow.

See you tomorrow.

Bye.

Right, you little prick. Let's get this over with.

Oh, come on don't be like that. I just need some stuff shifting.

It's a little job for me gran.

I'd do it myself, only...

ALARM BEEPS GENTLY

..I'm a bit busy at the moment.

-Grandmother, my arse!

-Seriously, Ollie, chill out.

Now where are you, you sexy little things? Oh, hubba hubba.

'Listen, I know you.'

It's not your gran. It'll be Big Alan and a load of knocked-off Viagra or summat.

How dare you? She is old.

She's just had a hip replacement. She fought in the war, you know.

Er, Ricky...where are you?

Me? Oh, um, I'm at home, you know.

Feet up, about to watch a Danny Dyer film.

Oh, all right. It's just that I can see you in the estate agent's.

Oh, and in other news, I've just seen some police cars coming this way,

so if that is you, I'd get out quick, you know, just in case.

-'Oh, bloody hell!

-'Oh yeah, and Ricky,'

I think that me saving your skin counts for a favour, don't you?

Thank you, bye!

Grandmother! The lying little prick.

'Emergency. Which service?'

Yeah, hello. Police, please.

HE CHUCKLES

Hiya, it's Richard.

Look, I haven't been able to get that van for tonight

so we're going to have to move your stuff another night.

You haven't tried to move it by yourself, have you?

POLICE SIRENS APPROACH

Oh, look, I'm really sorry. I'll call you later.

Bollocks!

God, your brother lives in a dump!

Look, I don't get it.

We're now paying 35 quid a month for satellite TV we don't even have.

Just think of it as a charity donation. Help the blind.

I don't like it.

Companies like that, they're not caring like us.

Well, don't look at me like that.

-New start - honest through and through, me.

-Oh, yeah?

Well, we will be in a minute.

Give us the keys.

Cheers.

-So you're honest now, are you?

-Yes. Yes, I am.

So you don't want me to sort out that free internet and satellite for you?

-Free internet? No, I want the internet. Don't tell his lordship, though.

-Yeah, I won't.

Right. So, estate agent's sorted.

Ricky's sorted. Just swap this sofa with you brother's, everything's sweet. Shall we?

Bloody hell. It's a bit minimalist, isn't it?

Where's everything gone?

Oh, no!

BOTH: Ricky!

# We were thick as thieves

# Frightened by shadows and the autumn leaves

# And hey ho, where did it go?

# When did we lose our sight?

# And it's a nice show

# The ones we perform

# Performing in day and night. #

Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd.

Email [email protected]