Beginnings and Ends White Van Man

Come on, son, calm down!

-You calm down!

-Don't you talk to me like that.

-Don't talk to him like that.

-Shut up, Darren!

-Who you talking to? It's all because of you...

-Stay out of it!

ALL SHOUT OVER ONE ANOTHER

This programme contains adult humour.

I wouldn't mind, but no-one even listens to me!

Our baby!

-Why's he got it?

-He doesn't need it, he's got both legs.

Have you seen his legs? Could be a spare.

Maybe it's his dead wife's and he keeps it to remember her by.

Or maybe he can't afford a golf club and he uses this instead.

Or maybe you should put it down and help me.

All right. Time of the month?

Surfing the crimson wave?

Arsenal playing at home, are they?

Are you on the rag?

Darren, I'm not in the mood.

-Bet you say that to all the girls.

-Oh!

-Oh, I know why you got the hump.

Your date with Emma sucked. I'm right, aren't I?

I told you she wouldn't put out. You'd have to pay her.

Which reminds me, could I get an advance on my wages this month, please?

-What?

-What!

Is that how your brain works?

You wind me up, wind me up, wind me up, wind me up and then,

"Oh, can I have an advance on my wages, please?"

You're a dick!

So no chance then?

-No.

-Oh... Oh, erm, sorry to interrupt.

-Oh, that's OK, Mr Sawyer, everything all right?

-Yes, yes, yes.

I've got to pop out to pick up my pension.

Oh, OK.

I must get it today or I wouldn't be able to pay you gentlemen,

or eat.

It's just that, well, you know,

I've got to go out.

OK.

And you'll still be, erm, you know...here.

Oh!

Listen, don't worry about it, Mr Sawyer. People leave us on our own all the time.

We'll just be here working. Everything'll be just as you left it.

-We won't even go through your drawers.

-What?

-No...

It's nothing, just a joke. We won't go through your drawers, I promise.

-Won't be long.

-Albert, go. You can trust us.

All right.

Cheeky bugger. Just for that, I'm going to nick his DVD player.

Oh, that's a brilliant plan.

LOCK RATTLES

Tell me he didn't.

He's locked us in.

Oi! Oi, you old codger, open up.

Calm down, he won't hear you, he's proper deaf.

-Oi! Open this door!

-He's just anxious.

I don't...

I don't like being trapped, like locked in, caged in.

Don't be daft.

That's a violation of our human rights, that is.

He can't do that. He can't do that!

Hey... What if he dies out there?

Well, he's really old, isn't he? It could be days before people find us.

Days, days, days...

No! No! No! No!

No, let me out!

I'll tell you what, you always manage to cheer me up.

Oi, you can't lock me in here! What gives you the right to do that?

I haven't done anything wrong. You're not my dad!

Whoa.

'Imagine you're a whale -

'graceful, elegant, serene.

'Swimming in the vast, watery depths of this beautiful planet's oceans.

'Now, deep breaths.

'In...

'..and out.

'In and out.'

DOOR BELL RINGS

Thank God for that.

What a load of old bollocks.

Hello, Mr Curry, guess what?

My contractions have started.

Ah! Is Ollie home?

Oh, sweetheart, we talked about this weeks ago! It's not Ollie's.

Oh, course it is. Babe! Babe! I'm here to start a family!

All right! I'll give him a call.

He'll be delighted to hear from you.

-I spy with my little eye...

-No.

-What?

-I'm not playing it.

-Only cos you're rubbish at it.

-I'm not, I'm brilliant. That's what makes it shit.

-Oh! Come on then.

-I spy with my little eye, something beginning with R.

-Radiator.

Lucky guess.

Right, something beginning with...H.

Hammer.

-C.

-Curtains.

Oh, my God, you're like insanely good. All right, OK.

-Hard one. I spy with my little eye...

-Cantilevered shelving bracket.

Come on. No, seriously, how do you do that?

And don't you think we should ration that? It has been ages.

Don't start, man.

I'm not trying to mess with you, just saying, he's been ages.

Post Office isn't that far, even with bionic hips.

-Do you know what bit I'd have bionic?

-Don't say it.

-Eyes, I was going to say eyes.

-No, you wasn't.

-No, I wasn't, I was going to say knob.

-Thank you, Oscar Wilde.

-Oh, shit, my battery's dead.

-Why's it dead? Didn't you charge it?

-No.

-Give me your phone.

-You're well anal about that stuff. Why didn't you charge it?

I just didn't. You didn't go home last night, did you?

-No, Darren, I didn't go home last night.

-Oh, you dirty stop-out!

I can't believe it, you actually banged Emma.

No, I didn't bang Emma, thank you very much.

We just had a lovely meal and a couple of drinks.

I just stayed over.

Amazing.

-So, tell me about it. What was she like?

-I'm not talking about that.

Don't be ridiculous, you've got to give me something to take my mind off this.

-Were her breasts exquisite?

-Darren, I am not going to talk about this.

-Cos when I've imagined her breasts they've been...

-Darren!

What are you doing?

You're always moaning that we don't talk enough.

Now's your chance. I want to know everything!

Apart from the bits involving you, obviously,

if you could edit them out, that'd be great.

-OK, I'll give you something. Shut your face.

-He scored with Emma.

Hang on, you pulled a total hottie. Why are you in a bad mood?

-Because I work with you and you're a massive ball-bag.

-I know.

I've been a ball-bag for ages, mate. This is something different.

-Did little Ollie let you down?

-No. Give me your phone.

-I can't, it's in the van.

-Why?

-Cos I never get any calls, not important ones.

Brilliant.

MOBILE RINGS

There, you see, look, I tried. Where's your dad?

Spain, but you didn't hear it from me.

-Tax evasion?

-Parking ticket.

-Parking ticket?

-Ooh!

-We need to get you to hospital.

-I ain't going nowhere without Ollie.

He'll want to be there for the birth.

No, we talked about this before.

You were calling lots of handymen

to try and find the one that you'd slept with.

Ollie turned up, you thought it was him, but it wasn't.

And then we all thought it was Darren, didn't we,

because you had actually had sex with him.

But then he came round to see you, didn't he? And he had a long chat,

and then you remembered that it wasn't actually Darren's baby at all. It was Dave's!

The man who did your loft conversion.

Which one's Darren, again?

Big hair, you know, gangly.

-Looks like Lionel Richie.

-Oh, him, yeah, he's cute.

I think he did some work at my house once.

I know... I know that!

Dave.

-That baby is Dave's.

-I don't know anyone called Dave.

-Course you do.

-Everyone knows someone called Dave.

-Well, I don't.

-He did your loft conversion.

-We don't have a loft conversion.

Yes, you do!

-We don't even have a loft.

-Yes, you do!

Ooh!

Oh, my God!

He never came to see you, did he? The lying little shit.

Ah! Ooh...

-We need to get you to hospital, quick.

-Not without Ollie!

Dear God, woman, you are freakishly strong!

-Where is he?

-I don't know.

-He didn't come home last night.

-Why not? Where was he?

-He had a date.

-Ooh! He had a date.

-With who?

Ah! God almighty!

-Liz, do you...?

-Emma, perfect. Pick a card...

-Yeah, I don't have time.

-I need to find Ollie. Do you know where he is?

-You haven't got time. Shame on you.

-Shame on you.

-Liz...

-Pick a card!

Right, look at the card.

-You memorised it?

-Yeah.

Good. Now pop it back in the pack.

-Look, can we just...

-Pop it back in the pack!

Right, now I'll flick through.

You say stop, and that will magically be your card.

-Stop.

-Da-da!

-No.

-What?

-Three of clubs.

-Bollocks. Right, hang on.

Oh, that's what I've done wrong. Look in your jacket pocket.

-Three of clubs.

-OK, right, where's Ollie?

-I dunno.

-You don't know.

-Call him.

-I can't get through.

-Then ask his dad.

-Yeah, I've tried, it's engaged.

-OK. Calm down.

-Do you want to leave a message?

-It's about the move.

What move?

Well, I suppose you'll find out soon enough.

I've been offered a job managing a restaurant in Dublin.

Oh! Well, congratulations.

-Ollie's coming with me to be head chef.

-Shut up.

-Ow!

-Sorry.

-I'm making it happen, Liz, it's his dream.

No, it's not. Guinness gives him the runs.

He won't leave here, he won't leave his family.

Well, that's not what he said last night.

PHONE RINGS

-Flatley's Hardware.

-Tony!

We were just...

What? Who's in the toilet?

-You're joking. I'm on my way. You've got a car, yeah?

-Erm, yeah.

Good. You can give me a lift.

-Uncle Phil!

-What?

-I've got to go out, so you're in charge.

I know, it's my shop!

And don't you dare say any of what you've just told me to Tony.

Seriously. I will smack you in the face.

-Is it because you've got a teeny knob?

-No.

Is it because Disney won't make The Little Mermaid II?

I think they already have.

Is it because your favourite yellow dress was in the wash and you couldn't wear it today?

-Darren, seriously.

-You got laid. Why are you in a mood?

Is it because you tried to read The Very Hungry Caterpillar and found it too hard?

-No.

-Is it because your hair looks like it's been cut by your dad?

-Darren, honestly...

-Is it because you slept with Liz and she gave you crabs?

-She didn't give me crabs.

-Is it because... You what?

It was years ago. No-one gave anybody anything.

Did you sleep with my sister? Did you sleep with Liz?

I thought you knew. We were just kids, it was just a bit of fun.

Ah! Darren, what was that for?

-That's what you do when someone sleeps with your sister, isn't it?

-No, you idiot.

Ah! Darren, what did you hit me again for?

Well, you called me an idiot.

Which you're proving more and more by the second!

You shouldn't have slept with my sister, man. You don't even like her!

What...you going to hit me again?

-Yeah, I am, yeah.

-I only slept with her once.

-It didn't even mean anything.

-Right, right. Outside, now!

We can't, we're locked in, idiot.

Stop calling me an idiot!

-I thought you knew!

-You're not in her sex diary.

-Her what?

-You are not in her sex diary.

-OK, OK, OK.

Right, I know being locked in drives you a bit mental,

but I'm not going to fight you, Darren.

Darren, stop it. I'm your boss.

You're not. You're just here cos you have to be. You're a rubbish boss and a rubbish handyman.

Right, you make it easier for me.

Do you want to know what it's like working with you? Eh! You lie, you cheat, you don't do any work.

You know, I think the only thing that you enjoy

is making my life hell, you know what, and I've tried,

I've tried, Darren. I've had enough! Do you want to know the truth?

I'll tell you the truth.

The only person holding this business back is you. It's not me. It's you.

OK. Darren Brown, you're fired.

Good. I don't care about the job.

Neither do you. You don't care about the business.

You don't care about your dad.

OK. See, now you've made me angry.

Jesus Christ, have you even passed your test?

I'm used to London. The roads are empty around here.

And yet you still appear to be trying to hit everything.

-Get out and walk if you don't like it.

-There's a lot of things I don't like at the moment.

He wants to leave. He needs to leave. I mean, look at this place.

You just don't get it, do you?

I know what he likes.

Can you pass my lip gloss?

What are these?

Driving glasses. I don't like them.

Oh, it's fine. They're just for looking at things that are far away.

What, like roads?

-We're nearly there.

-Put them on. I'm not going to die because of vanity.

-Yeah, I can see that.

-What's that supposed to mean?

No, no, nothing. Just, you know, bit of lipstick wouldn't hurt.

Let me tell you something, Emma, something Ollie already knows,

and the reason he won't be going to Ireland with you.

You're a scheming little tramp who nicked his idea,

and the only reason you want him now

is because you can't think of anything new to do by yourself.

-You're pathetic.

-TYRES SCREECH

Get out.

Oh...oh...oh.

Deep breaths - breathe, breathe.

I'm fine now. How are you doing?

-Yeah, OK, I think.

-Right.

-Where you going?

-I'm going upstairs to get my tablets,

-unless you're holding me hostage now, are you?

-DOORBELL RINGS

-Ollie!

-Dear God, she's got a death grip.

-Ollie!

-No, sorry, I'm...

-Emma!

Ah, that was good. You know it was going to happen one day.

Just had to get it out of our system.

Man, this is bad.

How are we going to explain this?

A bird flew in.

A bird?

We opened a window and a bird flew in and did this?

Yeah.

Yeah. Well, I can't see why he wouldn't believe that.

Oh, come on.

We can fix it.

-Ah!

-Give us your hand.

Listen, Darren, you know, about what I said?

I meant it. You're a nightmare.

Right.

But you're my friend.

You know, you...

You're family.

I still think you're a prick.

Right, then. First things first. Going to break us out of here.

And to do that, I need some tools from the van.

Listen, I'm not going to be long, so don't freak out.

Oh, brilliant.

You took your time.

It's a funny story.

What happened?

Have you ever heard of a white-tailed eagle?

No.

Well, one flew in, through your window

and just destroyed everything.

-But the wardrobe?

-I think it might be using that to nest in.

-What you doing? That's my phone.

-Keep your knickers on, I'm just...

seeing you've had loads of calls from my dad so I'm going to listen to your voice mail.

If there's any from a lady called Janise, it's not what it sounds like.

'Darren, do you want to tell me what the hell's going on here?

'Joanne's here. She's going into labour.'

Joanne's at my house.

'And why the hell does she still think it's Ollie's?

'You told me you'd been to see her, you lying little shit.

'"Not my baby," that's what you said. This baby's yours. It's time to face up to it.'

-I can explain.

-What? That you're a coward.

-Yeah.

-I knew they couldn't afford a loft conversion.

-Come on, don't look at me like that, we're family.

-Family.

She still thinks it's my baby!

I think you will make a lovely father.

I'm going to kill you.

I'm sorry, I thought you were Emma. I wanted to punch Emma.

-Liz is Darren's sister.

-Darren?

Oh, Jesus Christ. Darren!

No, I'm calling it either Tiger or Twinkle.

No, seriously, I give up.

It's not Darren's baby. You said it was someone called Dave.

I don't know anyone called Dave.

-Everyone knows someone called Dave.

-Oh!

-Darren's been lying to us.

It is his baby.

DOOR BELL RINGS

-Ollie!

-No, I'll get it.

-Twinkle?

-Yeah. Tiger for a boy.

-I still need to know where Ollie is.

-< Is it him?

No, it's...someone else.

It's Em... Ow!

Oh! What's your problem, Liz?

-Well, do they know when Ollie's coming back?

-Who is that?

-Oh, who are you?

-I'm Joanne. Ah!

They're getting closer together. We need to get you to a hospital now.

-Where's the baby's father?

-Ooh! Ollie, your baby's coming.

-Ollie?

-OK, everyone just stay calm.

-Tony, where's the job book? We need to find Ollie.

-Yes, we do.

-Darren, I'm serious. Come here. Come here.

-Oi.

Get down here while I kick the crap out of you.

-Dream on!

-How could you? After what we talked about. How could you?

-Get down here now. Do you think I'm messing?

-Hey, not the van. No, save it for Darren.

-Why's this tart saying this is your baby?

-Oi!

-Emma, just let me explain.

-Emma! You're Emma?

-Yeah, I'm Emma. You got a problem with that?

-Problem? I'll give you a problem.

Ah! Ollie, our baby...

It's not my baby, right? It's Darren's baby.

-Why's Darren on the van?

-Why've you got a black eye?

-Why've you got a black eye? What's going on?

-I'm hiding from him.

-Why?

-Cos he knows when Ollie's done with him it's my turn.

-Sorry.

-Who's that on the van?

-Darren!!

-The one whose baby it is.

Handyman came round to your house, did some work. Big hair. Darren. Hello? Nothing?

Don't get arsey with me. I'm still angry at you for sleeping with her.

Huh! Ollie hasn't slept with Emma...

have you?

Have you?

Erm...it just, sort of, happened. What do you care about who I slept with?

-Are you blind?

-She's in love with you, Ollie.

-No, she's not.

ALL : Yes, she is!!

Everyone knows.

What? Liz?

I'm not in your sex diary.

-How do you know about that?

-You have a sex diary?

Is there anyone you've not slept with?

-Yeah, her.

-That's not true. I remember it well.

How do you know about the diary?

How do you think?

-Where is he? Darren!

-Who?

Oi, dickhead, get out here now!

-I'm serious.

-No, not the van.

It doesn't matter, it's not like he's going to need it.

What are you talking about?

What's she talking about?

I told you not to say anything, didn't I?

What's going on?

-I'm leaving.

-Oh, that's why you've been grumpy.

I think so. I dunno, I dunno.

I've not really made my mind up, yet, but all this crap isn't helping.

What am I supposed to do here?

I've really tried to make it work, but you lot don't make it easy.

Dad, dad, I told you, I'm not cut out to do this.

I tried to do things my way,

but I just can't live up to your reputation. I'm sorry.

And Emma, Emma, sometimes I think you like me,

sometimes I think it's just for the stupid business.

What am I supposed to think about that?

And then you tell me Liz...

Oh, Liz, I didn't even...

You know, you're my friend, I didn't think you... My head's in bits.

I don't know... Joanne, love, please just look at me now.

This is not my baby. Right? And you, you shithouse...

Sorry. I'm sorry.

-I'll fix your room next week, all right?

-Pardon?

-I'll be back to fix your room next week.

-What about the bird?

-What bird?

The bird nesting in the wardrobe.

I'll sort the bird out, as well.

-Really?

-No. I dunno. Probably not.

Bloody white van men.

Do you know what?

I've worked my arse off just fixing stuff for people and no-one cares. Nobody cares.

I've had enough. I've had enough! Do you get me?

HE LAUGHS HYSTERICALLY

Oh, thank you very much!

Is this what you want, is it? Eh?

-I hate this stupid van.

-Calm down!

-Don't tell me to calm down.

-You calm down!

-Don't talk to me like that.

-Don't talk to him like that.

-Shut up, Darren.

ALL SHOUT OVER ONE ANOTHER

I will touch you.

-No-one even listens to me!

-Darren!

-Ah! My fist.

-Our baby!

-She's covered in piss. She's got piss on my boots.

-It's not piss.

-It is, she's pissed herself over me.

-Oh, shut-up, Darren!

-Which one's Darren, again?

-Him, that one there. Darren. Him.

-Oh, he's...

Yeah. That's Darren. See, I remember him from this angle.

Oh, thank you.

Jesus, just keep your legs closed or something.

Oh, my God! Stop talking. You're such an idiot.

-Sweetheart, you're going to be fine.

-Dad, what we going to do?

-I don't know.

-Emma's car. Keys, now!

Right, you're driving. There's not enough room, so who's staying?

-No chance. Darren, you're coming. Blondie, you're staying.

-It's my car!

Deal with it! Besides, your driving glasses are broken.

-No, they're not.

-Yeah, they are.

-Yeah, well I can still...

-Yeah, all right.

-Darren, Joanne, Ollie in the car now!

What about the van? Don't leave the van.

Don't worry about the van, we'll come back for it later.

-Don't leave the van.

-Dad, it's fine.

Three of clubs?

Yeah, I was saving that for la... it's probably not appropriate now.

-We need to talk.

-Not now.

-You, me, the business.

-Not now!

-I don't think I can do it without you.

In case you haven't noticed, this girl is having a baby.

We need to go, now!

OK, OK, all right.

-You're going to be OK, you know.

-Right then, everybody ready? Yeah?

Let's do this.

Everything's going to be all right, OK? We're all going to be all right.

Ah! Ah!