The Unseen Bits Would I Lie to You?

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Oh, yes.

Good evening and welcome to a very special edition

of previously unseen clips from this series of Would I Lie To You?

On David Mitchell's team tonight, Mackenzie Crook, Frank Skinner,

Katherine Parkinson, Dara O'Briain, Lorraine Kelly,

Bill Oddie, David O'Doherty, Rebecca Front, and Jack Whitehall.

And on Lee Mack's team tonight,

Miranda Hart, Rhod Gilbert, Nick Hewer, Sarah Millican,

Louie Spence, Bill Turnbull, Victoria Coren, Barry Cryer

and Sue Perkins.

And so to Home Truths, where our panellists each read out a statement from the card in front of them.

To make things harder, they've never seen the card before

and they've no idea what they'll be faced with.

It's up to the opposing team to sort the fact from the fiction

and, Mackenzie, you're up first.

When I won the Pirates of the Caribbean sandcastle competition...

LAUGHTER

..Keith Richards was so angry he stamped on my drawbridge

and threw Johnny Depp's bucket in the sea.

LAUGHTER

This, this is delicious. Lee, what d'you think?

The competition was what, at the end of filming the whole thing?

It wasn't at the end, it was during one of the films,

I think it was the second one we were...yeah.

-Why was Keith Richards there?

-Keith Richards played, erm...

-Why was Keith Richards there?

-Oh, was he in it?

D'you go to the cinema?

-LAUGHTER

-I don't really watch TV or go to cinemas,

I'm struggling to recognise anyone round here.

-LAUGHTER

-Well, imagine how we feel.

LAUGHTER

I thought the Chuckle brothers had split up. Erm...

-D'you have any connection with popular culture?

-None whatsoever.

Big fan of yours though.

LAUGHTER

-APPLAUSE

-Oh, don't applaud it!

So, your sandcastle, why was your sandcastle so good?

I'm just particularly good at making sandcastles, sand sculptures, it's one of my...

-Some people think, say it's a super power...

-But it isn't really, is it?

-No, it's not really.

-"A burning building, there's a child trapped!"

-"Don't worry, I'll make a dolphin."

-LAUGHTER

Had Keith Richards made a sandcastle?

I think he'd attempted one, he wasn't in the best...of health.

If Keith Richards hadn't had a proper go at the sandcastle

cos he didn't really care, why was he so angry that you'd won?

I think because I had trumped Johnny Depp and he's...

-they're very good friends and...

-No, he threw Johnny Depp's bucket in the sea.

He was just furious, he's...

He went so mental he threw somebody's bucket without knowing whose it was.

-LAUGHTER

-Can you describe Keith Richards' sandcastle?

It was basically a mound.

LAUGHTER

Did he try to snort it?

-And what beach was this?

-This was on a beach in St Vincent

in the Grenadines.

Was it a completely empty beach, nobody playing on it, sandcastle beach?

We were on...

Can I interrupt? If there's a beach with Johnny Depp and Keith Richards

it's not an empty beach any more, that's going to attract tourists.

I doubt they were having to film amongst holiday makers.

I've not seen in Pirates Of The Caribbean

families, you know, carrying kids into the sea,

"Argh, I'm Cap'n Jack Sparrow. Sorry, mind how you go there, kiddie,

"put factor 24 on there."

How far out was the, was the sea from where you were making the sandcastles?

Ah, gosh, brrr, 50 yards?

Oh, no, and Richards made it all the way down the sea with Depp's bucket?! LAUGHTER

I reckon he ran ten of those yards and lobbed it the rest.

Get off! He lobbed a plastic bucket 40 yards?!

-LAUGHTER

-I think you've heard enough,

-what d'you reckon, is he telling the truth?

-I don't know, I...

-You DON'T know?

-D'you think he did it, you think it's a lie?

-No.

-I think he did it.

So, you think he did, you think the story is true...

The story is true in its base form.

-Right, well, that's pretty much what we need.

-That's the game, yeah.

LAUGHTER

So come on then, Lee, truth or lie?

Right, I'm going to go with Rhod and say it's true.

You say it's true? OK, Mackenzie Crook,

star of Pirates Of The Caribbean...

is it the truth or is it a lie?

It is a...

lie.

Oh, is it no, a lie?

APPLAUSE

-Of course it was a lie.

-Yes, it's a big, big lie.

Mackenzie didn't upset Keith Richards

by winning The Pirates Of The Caribbean sandcastle competition.

The cast actually used to pass time on the set

by drinking lots of beer and then urinating their name into the sand.

A competition that was amazingly won by Keira Knightley.

LAUGHTER

Miranda, you're next, off you go.

Last year, whilst house-sitting for friends, I had to shout for help for two hours

when I got stuck in their children's Wendy house.

LAUGHTER

-David, what do you think of that?

-Right, so where was the Wendy house?

Er, in their garden.

Was there bait in the Wendy house?

-GRUFFLY:

-There was cake and I have to have it!

No, I actually thought,

"This looks fun, I'm going to go and have a little look."

You were supposed to be looking after the children?

-No, I was house-sitting.

-Oh, you were house-sitting.

-Yes.

-Right...

The Wendy house specifically or the actual house?

-LAUGHTER

-The actual house.

-Oh, the actual house.

-What was it made of?

-Wooden structure.

It was a shed.

LAUGHTER

A wooden structure in a garden is called a shed, not a Wendy house. LAUGHTER

It was smaller than a shed, it was a little house made of wood.

It looks very inviting, you open the little door...

-Yes.

-..crawl in...

-Yeah.

-..then what happens?

Then I shut the door, and think, "Oh, this'll be fun."

-Right.

-I know I'm coming across as a bit weird!

LAUGHTER

I go to the little door and there's one of those latchy things, which doesn't work,

and then, so I think, "Well, I'll just push it,"

and you see it got stuck to the concrete on the bottom

and I could not push it.

-That's quite sad.

-So it was... LAUGHTER

-It was about, you see...

-You're like a very posh Chilean miner.

LAUGHTER

-So, what, so you shouted for two hours.

-Yeah.

What did you shout?

-Help me!

-Help?!

-LAUGHTER

-What d'you think she shouted?

Recipes?

LAUGHTER

-Who saved you in the end?

-The neighbours.

And how did they manage to open the door?

-They got a little saw and sawed around the...latchy bit.

-How?

-Is this an episode of Tom & Jerry?

-LAUGHTER

How do you do that? How do you get a saw in there?

-It was one of those, "Vrrrr" ones.

-LAUGHTER

-Jig saw.

-"Vrrrr!"

-It's a jig saw.

-So it has a thing that initially penetrates.

-Yes.

-And then cuts laterally.

-There is, there is...

-It's a jig saw.

-Yes.

Have you ever thought of advertising for B&Q, you'd be the perfect voice.

"Are you looking for something that does that, then penetrates laterally? B&Q."

LAUGHTER

Which way are you leaning on this?

-So are we leaning towards a lie?

-Yeah, but I...

-Yeah.

-..I slightly want it to be true

cos I think it's a funny image of Miranda being stuck, screaming in a Wendy house.

I'm not buying it, I'm afraid.

-Let's say it's a lie.

-You're saying it's a lie. OK Miranda, truth or lie?

It is...

a lie.

APPLAUSE

-You did very well, though. I thought it was impossible.

-I was struggling.

Bill, you're up next.

I have drunk rum from a human skull.

David's team, what do you think?

That's...that must have been a dark moment.

LAUGHTER

I was in Haiti.

Right.

And I was working, and the opportunity presented itself.

UNCOMFORTABLE LAUGHTER

-I, I, I don't think we need to ask any more then.

-No.

LAUGHTER How did the opportunity present itself?

I was attending a voodoo ceremony in the middle of the night.

-Right.

-Best time for a voodoo ceremony.

-LAUGHTER

Those ten o'clock brunch ones are rubbish.

-Were you, were you covering the...

-Was this work related?

-Yes.

-Yeah, work related, yes, it was, yes.

-Where was it held?

-In Haiti.

Where specifically in Haiti?

-Where they practised voodoo.

-Yeah, in a conference centre? A cave?

LAUGHTER

Don't you know?

-It was in, er, out in the countryside.

-Right.

In a little...shed.

-Right.

-And they passed around this skull.

It wasn't the whole skull that was full, it was, the top had come off.

They poured rum in it and then they all took a drink from it

and they asked me to... drink from it as well.

How did you know that this sort of grey, little...

-How did I know it was a skull?

-Yeah.

Someone told me afterwards,

-I thought it was a coconut at the time.

-Right.

Did it have hair on the... did it have hair coming out of it?

What?! It's a skull.

Like a coconut, he said he thought it was a coconut,

there are two hard round things that have hair on them,

human heads and coconuts. That's the point!

The head, not a skull.

A skull doesn't have bloody hair on it, does it?

LAUGHTER

I think it's possible, I've seen hair on a pork scratching.

LAUGHTER

It gets passed round, you take a sip from the weird grey saucer,

it gets passed on, the voodoo ceremony ends, you head back.

Who tapped you on the shoulder and went, "I'll tell you what you just drank out of, mate."

-Was it the bloke with his brain showing?

-LAUGHTER

I was there actually to do an interview with a zombie.

-You met the zombie?

-Yes.

When you say zombie, what d'you mean?

Well, he's a zombie.

Well, a zombie is somebody in the hinterland between life and death, you idiot.

-LAUGHTER

-Evidently he wasn't that.

Can I just say your hosting position is a bit aggressive?

LAUGHTER

-What do you mean by a zombie, Bill?

-Well, they said he was a zombie.

-Oh, right.

-They brought him in

and said, "Now you can do an interview with him."

-Oh, you interviewed him!

-LAUGHTER

Did you mic, did you mic the zombie up?

LAUGHTER

What are you thinking, David? Is Bill telling the truth or is he lying?

Katherine, what do you think?

I think it's so mental and ludicrous,

I just, I don't think it's true.

Insane, I'm going to say that is not true.

So we're going to say we think it's a lie.

You think it's a lie? OK, Bill Turnbull...truth or lie?

What did you say - "insane", "ludicrous"?

And true.

APPLAUSE

Rebecca.

Erm, right...

OK.

I have vomited in Cliff Richard's hedge.

LAUGHTER

Now, can I just be very clear about this?

LAUGHTER

I don't know about you, but I'm terrible with euphemisms.

LAUGHTER

-Was it his front hedge or his back hedge?

-Lee, please.

Please, Lee!

-It was the hedge...

-Inside a Wendy house.

..abutting the pavement, the front pavement.

Where is this house?

Er, I think it was Surrey.

You think, how drunk were you?

No, I was very, very young at the time,

-this explains the vomiting.

-How old were you?

I think I was about five or six.

How did you know it was Cliff Richard's house?

Because I was...

-He came out and said, "Congratulations."

-LAUGHTER

I had been taken to see this house

because it was Cliff Richard's house.

-Oh, you were taken like a day out?

-Yeah,

-because I was a big fan at the time.

-LAUGHTER

-Was it a revulsion or something you had eaten?

-Car sickness.

-Car sickness.

-Yeah.

-What was the plan when you were getting there?

-It was a drive-by almost.

-Just him...

-A drive-by puking.

-Drive-by puking.

-Drive-by vomit.

Presumably there was a lot of other vomit in the hedge,

it was sort of matted with the vomit of admirers.

Probably.

Was Cliff in the house going, "Oh, oh, oh, what's, what's...?"

-I'm doing Cliff Richard.

-LAUGHTER

You never want to say the phrase, "I'm doing Cliff Richard." Never.

Never say that, Rob, especially if you're doing that with your hands.

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

-So, what do we think, Lee?

-Shall we say true, Nick?

I think so, it's a dismal little story.

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

D'you know what, can I just say,

-you really should have your own chat show, you'd be amazing.

-LAUGHTER

So, Lee, you are saying that it's true, yeah?

-We'll say it's true.

-You're going to say it's true. OK, Rebecca Front, is it true or is it a lie?

It is true.

-Well done, team.

-Well done.

-APPLAUSE

Yes, Rebecca did once vomit in Cliff Richard's hedge.

Cliff, on the other hand,

has never been made to feel nauseous by a bush of any kind.

LAUGHTER

Sarah Millican, you're next.

I once ruined a Christening party

when I was overheard calling the baby ugly on a baby monitor.

LAUGHTER

David.

So, the baby monitor, presumably, is by the baby.

Yes.

So you, so most of the party is in, let's call it room A.

OK.

-And the baby...

-How big is your house?

-Is, is...

Room Z!

LAUGHTER

Oh, we'd never speak of Room Z.

LAUGHTER

And the baby is in Room B, very appropriately in Room B.

B for baby, yes.

So, you're looking over the baby.

It just, you know, looked like a Winston Churchill,

like they all do when they're born,

-you know, just little and fat.

-LAUGHTER

-So I just, you know, spoke up.

-What did you say?

I just said, it wasn't very pretty.

LAUGHTER

What sort of monitor was it, Sarah? Was it an audio monitor?

Cos we recently invested in the video and audio monitor

and if there are any young parents like myself out there, then...

LAUGHTER

..then I would recommend getting the video cos you can see them, it's lovely.

-Isn't it a lovely image, Rob's wife putting him in the cot like that.

-LAUGHTER

-It gives her peace of mind, she knows I'm safe.

-LAUGHTER

I went on holiday with a couple and they had...

-You bloody pervert!

-LAUGHTER

They had a walkie-talkie on the dinner table, in the evening,

and they said... I said, "What is that?"

They said, "We use this as a baby monitor

"because they've got a much better range."

But wouldn't the baby have to press it down to talk into it?

Yeah, it sort of went, "Wah! Wah! Over."

-LAUGHTER

-David, what's it's going to be, truth or lie?

I would say that saying that, basically what you were saying is,

"Oh, babies all look the same to me, they look sort of baby-like,

"I don't find them that pretty," that's not that rude a thing to say.

Saying SPECIFICALLY, "That baby is hideous,

"what with its third eye and everything."

That wouldn't have been shocking

because everybody else would have noticed the third eye as well.

They might have tried to be nice about it and said, "Oh, what a lovely extra feature."

LAUGHTER

Frank?

Well, I sort of believe it.

Yeah, yeah, no, it's easily done, yeah.

-We think it's true then.

-You think it's true?

Sarah, were you telling the truth?

It is...

a lie.

APPLAUSE

Oh.

Nick, you're next.

-Possession.

-Ah right, there's a box,

if you just pick, pick that up, bring, bring it up to the desk there

and would you read, there's a card in there,

I'd like you to read the card first

and then reach back in and take out the possession.

Right, OK.

This is a hat from my hat collection.

LAUGHTER

I wear one whenever I throw a dinner party.

OK, now take out the possession, the hat.

Please be a fez.

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

Wow, oh, let's see.

There we are, how's that?

-Terrible.

-Wow.

You should wear that in the boardroom, that would be terrifying.

Just pop it down there. David's team, what d'you think?

What sort of hat is that, Nick?

-That hat is the hat...

-LAUGHTER

..of a Kazakhstan...

border guard.

-Can we have a look at it?

-Yes.

Lee, it's a hat.

Oh, yes, it's his hat, isn't it?

LAUGHTER

Thank you.

I would love to see you wearing that hat, David.

Well, I'd be very proud to wear it.

-It's a bit small for me.

-Very fetching though.

LAUGHTER

APPLAUSE

Would you like to tell us how you came by this?

-Yes.

-LAUGHTER

-Then please do.

-I happened to be dawdling my way through Kazakhstan...

-LAUGHTER

-..and on the way out of Kazakhstan

I thought it would be sad to leave that great country...

without a souvenir.

Did this belong to a border guard? Did you...

Erm, I'm going to let that one pass.

Is that what you said as you walked through?

LAUGHTER

Are you implying that you stole it?

I'm not really, I'm pleading the fifth on that one.

-Now, can you tell me some...

-LAUGHTER

something, about your hat parties? What happens at these hat parties?

Wherever I go I try and pick up a national hat,

so I have one from Kyrgyzstan from Mongolia,

from Kazakhstan, from Russia...

So you have a whole assortment of ridiculous military hats?

I keep them on a beam on my house and we have all the different hats up there

and when dinner parties get rowdy we put our hats on.

Wow. I want to get to that party!

Is everyone allowed to wear these hats, or is it just you and...

No, everybody's got to pick their hats

-and then sometimes during dinner we change them around.

-Ah, wild!

-LAUGHTER

How do you swap the hats round, like keys in a bowl sort of thing?

No, we just, "Oh, may I have a go with yours?"

I think it's very much like the key in the bowl!

-Keys in the bowl thing.

-David, I'd like you to take a guess, please.

-I think this is true.

-You think it's true, OK.

Nick, is it true or is it a lie?

-True.

-True.

APPLAUSE

And here's a picture of Nick in another of his favourite hats.

LAUGHTER

Isn't that nice?

Yes, it's true, that is a hat from Nick's hat collection

that he wears at dinner parties.

One of Nick's dinner parties ended up in a food fight.

Margaret Mountford got a face full of Sugar

and when Lady Sugar found out she started a food fight.

LAUGHTER

Katherine, you're up next.

Me and my husband have a fake laugh that we do at parties to signal when it's time to leave.

Oh, fantastic.

Lee, fake laughs, what d'you know about those?

Well, I know she's been doing it quite a lot tonight.

HA-HA-HA-HA-HA!

LAUGHTER

That's nice, do that again.

HA-HA-HA-HA-HA!

Is that it? What about just saying, "Can we leave now, darling?"

LAUGHTER

That was, "Can we leave now, darling?"

LAUGHTER

APPLAUSE

So, just put us through this scenario then.

You're both having the same conversation at a party with somebody else...

And when one of us wants to go home, we will just laugh in a certain way.

Does your husband do the same laugh as you, or has he got his own version?

He's got his version, his voice is deeper than mine.

-Same thing but deeper?

-Yeah.

-Like, for instance?

-Do his laugh.

Sort of...

It's sort of, erm...

"HA-HA-HA-HA-HA!"

LAUGHTER

-Give me your laugh again cos I didn't quite hear it.

-OK.

-This is Katherine's laugh.

-Yeah.

HA-HA-HA-HA-HA!

-LAUGHTER

-And now the husband's laugh.

Well, I'm not so good at doing that one, so, you know.

-Do the husband's laugh.

-LAUGHTER

I feel like you're mocking me.

No, I'm threatening you.

LAUGHTER

HA-HA-HA-HA-HA!

-And your laugh again?

-HA-HA-HA-HA-HA!

-And his laugh?

-HA-HA-HA-HA-HA!

-OK, OK.

-What was your laugh like again?

-HA-HA-HA-HA-HA!

And his laugh?

LAUGHTER

When's the last time you did it?

I think we did it about two weeks ago at...

Who were you talking to? LAUGHTER

I'd rather not say on television.

-Is it a television person, is it someone famous?

-No.

No, it's not someone famous,

it's someone who LOVES being insulted on television. LAUGHTER

-Lee, let's go for a guess.

-Shall we say it's true, is that what we're saying?

-I think that, but I'm going with you.

-You're trusting me, aren't you?

-I'll trust you.

-Trust.

-I don't know why, but I will.

Go on, true.

You're saying true, OK, Katherine, truth or lie?

It is in fact...

a lie.

Ohh!

APPLAUSE

Yes, it's a lie!

Katherine and her husband don't have a fake laugh

that they do at parties to signal when it's time to leave.

When they're bored stiff at a party, they say,

"Thanks for having us, Rob, but we'd better make a move."

LAUGHTER

Bill.

-It's a possession.

-Ah, there's a little box under your desk,

if you'd bring that up, please.

Take the possession out for us

and then read the card for us, please.

This is my conversation book.

In it...

LAUGHTER

..I've written a list of topics that I refer to

should I ever run out of things to talk about.

LAUGHTER

How do you, without seeming weird, consult the book

in the middle of this floundering conversation?

LAUGHTER

-Like that.

-Like that, you hardly noticed.

Have you thought about draught proofing your house recently, Rob?

Yes, I have, yes, I have.

Is that one of your subjects, to sort of enliven a conversation?

LAUGHTER

-Is that genuinely in the book?

-No, to be honest, erm...

-Let me see.

Give me the book, give me the book.

Throw me the book.

This is a very special book to me.

We promise...we promise we'll take good care of the book.

LAUGHTER

Erm...

Right, let's have a look, OK.

Home insulation tips is indeed the first thing. LAUGHTER

-Interest rates, very low of course.

-They may be going up.

Yeah, they may be going up, but not on this programme!

LAUGHTER

Are the Cotswolds overrated?

LAUGHTER

-Are the Cotswolds overrated?

-See, it's interesting, isn't it?

Rugby, three question marks after rugby.

D'you not know much about rugby,

is that why you were a bit worried about...

No, sometimes it doesn't really work as a topic

-and I'm not sure...

-Not with women.

-..how it would go with you, Katherine.

Quite a few of those won't go very well with me, if I'm honest with you!

When was the last time you thought about draught proofing your...

HA-HA-HA-HA-HA!

LAUGHTER

APPLAUSE

What do you call it? Is there a name, like the Governor?

"I'll just ask the Governor," something like that. Yeah.

LAUGHTER D'you call it the Ustinov?

LAUGHTER

"I'll just consult Ustinov...

"Erm...

"rugby?"

LAUGHTER

Let's write some unexpected ones in it!

LAUGHTER

"Boobs!"

LAUGHTER

APPLAUSE

"So, Archbishop, what d'you think about boobs?

"Oh, my God!

"I said BOOBS!"

-Right, David, come on.

-Well, I don't think it's true.

I think...I think it is.

I mean, he went to all the effort of doing it.

Well, someone did. LAUGHTER

-You think it's true and you think it's a lie?

-Lie.

Decide.

I think it's a lie, my instinct is it's a lie.

OK, Bill, truth or lie.

I'm immensely relieved to tell you it is in fact...

a lie.

APPLAUSE

It's a lie,

it's not Bill's conversation book that he refers to if he ever runs out of things to talk about.

In fact, if Bill ever finds himself short of things to say

he just throws to Carol Kirkwood for a round up of the weather.

LAUGHTER

BUZZER SOUNDS

It's me.

LAUGHTER

For one week I appeared in a Dear Deidre photo casebook

in the Sun newspaper.

LAUGHTER

Both teams are able to probe me.

LAUGHTER

Although I'd be happiest if it was Lorraine.

Can I just clarify the Dear Deirdre is the sex thing where you have sex problems

and you're the photographs with the balloons.

-What are you doing, what's your relationship problem?

-I was the husband.

-What was the problem?

-The wife was attracted to my friend.

-And what face did you do?

-I only realised at the very end,

-so most of the time I was being happy or vacant.

-LAUGHTER

How did you find out in the story about the...

-that she fancied the friend?

-I walked in on them, so I had to...

Oh, do the walked in face!

I did vacant, happy, shocked and sad.

Right, do happy.

Do vacant.

LAUGHTER

-Shocked.

-Shocked.

-Shocked.

There you go.

LAUGHTER

-Do sad.

-Sad.

Oh, oh, that's nasty, that's...that looks pained.

Well, how would you feel?

My best friend was in bed with my wife!

No, it doesn't look like you're upset,

it looks like you're trying to pass something uncomfortable.

Let's imagine for a moment that Lorraine was my wife.

She is having a relationship

with the better-looking half of Mitchell and Webb, OK?

He's not here so we'll use David. Right...

-Boo.

-Boo!

-So the two of them...

So the two of them, so get yourself in a position that might, you know.

-Are we have having an affair, is that what he's saying?

-Yes.

-We have to get closer.

-I don't know how you do that.

-Do it, do it, do it!

-I could sit on you.

-Oh, all right.

LAUGHTER

-I don't want to squish you!

-APPLAUSE

OK.

-In this scenario, am I waiting my turn?

-LAUGHTER

So I...

LAUGHTER

I'm coming home. I'm about to give you shocked.

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

-Truth or lie, Lee?

-We're going to say lie, are we, Sue?

-I think so.

-Lie.

-OK, I don't think I can argue.

Lie? OK, David?

-I think it's a lie.

-You think it's a lie?

-Mm.

-OK, we'll say it's a lie.

-You'll say it's a lie. A-ha.

It is in fact...

a lie.

APPLAUSE

BUZZER SOUNDS

Well, that's all for now, good night!

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