Episode 8 Would I Lie to You?

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Good evening and welcome to Would I Lie To You?

The show with a lust for lies. On Lee Mack's team tonight,

a veteran comedian and writer,

who, after receiving his OBE, bantered with the Queen,

one of the few occasions on which Victoria was amused.

It's Barry Cryer.

Thank you.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

And the star of BBC series Supersizers,

who once had to eat the same sort of food that people lived on

during World War II when she went for lunch at Barry Cryer's house.

It's Sue Perkins.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

And joining David Mitchell tonight,

a comedian who left university with a degree in physics.

I mean, God knows who it belonged to,

but finder's keepers, I say. Dara O'Briain.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

And a TV presenter who, for Comic Relief,

took part in a gruelling trek across a bleak, African desert,

a journey she easily coped with

as she regularly gets the train from Dundee to London.

It's Lorraine Kelly.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

And so, we begin, as always, with Round One.

It's Home Truths, where our panellists each read out a statement

from the card in front of them. To make it harder,

they've never seen the card before,

so, they've no idea what they'll be faced with.

It's up to the opposing team to sift the truth from the lies.

Dara starts us off tonight. Dara, off you go.

OK.

On doctor's advice, I have to sleep in a cycle helmet

due to the violent nature of my dreams.

LAUGHTER

Well, Lee, where to begin?

Tell us about the violent nature of your dreams, Dara.

I move a lot within the dreams.

They're active rather than like hack and slash movie-type violent,

they're more, I'm playing a match or I'm running or something

and I move a lot in the bed.

Dara, what damage can you do to yourself with a pillow?

Well, I can snap, you know.

It can go back quite violent... You know, like, I can recoil.

What does your wife think? Does she...? Do you share a bed?

I do share a bed, yes.

When did the doctor prescribe the helmet?

It was during my late teens. Whenever that stage that it began...

That is the age when you start tossing and turning.

LAUGHTER

No, no, no, no, I'm not having... No, I'm not having that.

If I can't make an innocent comment...

Please, this isn't Never Mind Your Buzzcocks.

I dreamt, this is true,

I dreamt, the other night, that I was being spooned,

I was the spoonee with a lion.

LAUGHTER

Seriously, seriously. I could feel its big, hairy arms

and its leg... Well, they're all legs, aren't they?

All legs around me and I could feel it and I could smell it

and it was so vivid and I liked it.

LAUGHTER

So, the last thing I would have done is lash out because I was...

Feared for my life.

Yeah, but I didn't have that dream.

You feared for your life and you liked it?

It was a lion!

I thought you said you liked it.

You must have thought you were safe with this lion,

but it was actually the fear that you liked.

We've all had experiences in bed, David,

where we're simultaneously afraid and excited.

LAUGHTER

So Dara, back to the...

Yeah, the plot.

..the image. What do you wear in bed?

What do...? Oh, other than that? Pyjamas and a T-shirt.

It's a lovely look.

LAUGHTER

The pyjama with the...

I don't wear the jacket, though. It's unnecessarily formal.

As if you'd wear a blazer in bed. It would clash with your helmet.

It is odd the way pyjamas have a collar that could take a tie.

LAUGHTER

-Back to the helmet.

-You know Petr Cech, the Chelsea goalkeeper?

You better explain to David who...

He's a footballer who got kicked in the head.

-The goalkeeper's the one that owns the club, right?

-That's him, yeah.

Anyway, he got kicked in the head

and he wears a padded... It's very similar to that.

If you've had a previous head injury

-and I've had a knock in the past.

-Have you?

What was your head injury?

I fell off a bike when I was a teenager and...

How ironic! They make you wear a cycle helmet to remind you

of that terrible, terrible day.

When did you start wearing the cycle helmet in bed?

-That was when I was 16.

-You've worn it since you were 16?

-Yeah.

-How old are you now?

-39.

So, on your honeymoon night, you wore it, did you?

She was used to that. She'd seen it.

So, every night.

I've heard of safe sex...

LAUGHTER

During sex, are you wearing it?

Cos then, you're really thrashing around, aren't you?

Do you presume that there's no gap between the end of sex and sleep

that I couldn't then go,

"Oh, that was magic. Do you mind if I put my hat on?"

Do you know what? That, to me, is more disturbing.

LAUGHTER

"That was marvellous. What the hell are you putting on your head?"

LAUGHTER

Lee, it's time to take a guess. What do you think?

If he's not telling the truth, he's made life hard for himself.

He didn't have to say he'd done it for 23 years.

-How long have you know him for?

-I've never slept with him.

LAUGHTER

I don't think...

-It's a lie. Lie.

-We're saying it's a lie.

So, Dara, are you telling the truth or was it a lie?

That scar that goes from there to there?

No, it's a lie.

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

It's a lie. Dara wasn't advised to sleep in a cycle helmet

because of the violent nature of his dreams.

Lorraine, you're up next.

I once presented an episode of TV-am whilst drunk.

I don't think we need to discuss this any further.

LAUGHTER

OK. Why, what time do you start work on TV-am?

In those days, I would be getting up about three o'clock.

So, you're waking up at three...

Are you still hammered from the night before or topping up at three?

-If you're waking up sober, this is a tragic story.

-This is a great story.

No, it was only the once.

What happened the night before or the...?

No, I went for lunch.

-A long lunch?

-About 12. Well, aye.

"Well, aye."

What time does the lunch start?

About half past 12.

OK. What time did you finish drinking?

About three o'clock.

Three o'clock in the morning?

You've drunk all the way through till three o'clock.

That's your wake-up time.

So, you've not slept? It was an all-nighter.

So, you're drinking from 12 till three in the morning, and you go,

"Aye, got to go to work, now, lads."

"See you later, I'm on telly."

-Lorraine Kelly, who were you with?

-Who was I with?

I was celebrating with John Hannah, the actor.

John Hannah, the actor?

ALL: Oooh!

Stop the clocks.

Exactly, and we kind of did.

He was celebrating the fact that he'd got the part

-in Four Weddings And A Funeral.

-Was he? Wonderful!

I hope this is true, now, because that's a lovely story.

-I know.

-And you went drinking...

-It's a sort of lovely story,

that she turned up drunk on air

after a 19-hour drinking session.

It's quite heart-warming.

-A-a-a-h-h-h!

-But, but, but I could...

I could have phoned in not well, I could have phoned in instead.

Yeah, we appreciate you're a professional.

Thank you.

What might we have noticed about Lorraine Kelly that morning?

Oh, nothing, absolutely....

-Did you have your top on?

-I did.

LAUGHTER

Nobody would ever have known. Nobody did know, only me.

When you say drunk it sounds like... I mean, drunk's a big word.

-You know that way you can drink yourself sober?

-Yes, I do.

You're my kind of woman.

You can drink yourself sober, you can actually...

-I don't think you can.

-You can!

I don't think you can, kids.

"Mummy, do you know what Lorraine Kelly's just said on television?"

You can't drink yourself sober.

-You can.

-You're right, Lorraine.

-Thank you Barry, you can.

-Yeah, you're right.

You can!

So, Lee's team, what do you think?

What do we think, Barry?

Is this true or a lie?

I'm an old-fashioned gent.

I'm sorry to say I think it's true.

LAUGHTER

-Sorry, Lorraine.

-Do you think it's true?

-I think so, yeah.

-OK, we'll say it's true.

-You saying it's true? Lorraine.

-Shaking her head.

As if I would do such a thing as that!

It's true.

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

Yes, it's true.

Lorraine did once present an episode of TV-am drunk.

It's astonishing, isn't it?

Only once. I mean, that's nothing.

I once got so drunk I WATCHED an episode of TV-am.

LAUGHTER

Barry.

I have written and had published a trilogy of romantic novels

under a female pen name.

David's team.

What's the female pen name, Barry?

Mary Windsor.

-Mary Windsor.

-Oh, Mary Windsor.

-Yeah.

And at what stage in your career was this?

Early.

LAUGHTER

I'd written... Done one book of anecdotes

and the publisher said that they fancied doing a sort of

sub-Barbara Cartland, you know?

A sort of... One of those.

Were the anecdotes romantic in your book?

No, no. I don't know why they chose me,

but I went for it and I got away with three of them,

which didn't sell, obviously.

Nobody's heard of them.

Were they linked, by the way? Was it a trilogy or was it the same story?

There were three separate stories.

Great, so, that's all three plots, please, off the cuff.

LAUGHTER

Let's go for book number one.

Book number one was a shameless rip-off of Lady Chatterley's Lover.

It was about a guy

who worked on the estate and the lady of the manor.

It was just blatant.

-And what was it called, Barry? What was the title?

-My Land.

It was a quotation from the lady of the manor

who said it at a crucial point in the plot.

Oh, how crucial?

On their first falling out, they become lovers

and then, it became very tense

and then, she became very autocratic with him

and it was a very moving moment, if I say so myself.

LAUGHTER

-And book two?

-Book two was set in Spain and a bullfighter is involved.

-Oh, right.

-But same plot, I'm not kidding you.

LAUGHTER

Was book two called My Bull?

No, no. I'm ashamed to say it was called Hasta La Vista.

LAUGHTER

I wish you wouldn't go on about this, I'm not proud of them.

I think I want to read them.

And book three?

-One Year, it was called.

-One Year.

-One Year.

You didn't go overboard on the titles, did you?

No, simple, self-explanatory titles.

What was the plot of book three?

The plot of book three was on board a liner.

-On board a liner?

-My Liner!

This posh, frustrated woman went on a liner and met this steward.

LAUGHTER

Why did they stop this? This is gold!

Which one, now that you look back, Barry,

-with the wisdom that you've accrued over the years...

-Yes.

Which one are you proudest of?

The third one because I was starting to get the hang of it.

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

The publishers disagreed.

They thought you were losing what hang of it you'd ever had.

-What are you thinking, David's team?

-What do you think, Lorraine?

-Och, no.

I just don't see Barry having the time to do it and if...

I could write those drunk in the morning.

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

We think it's a lie, don't we? Yeah, yeah.

You sure? Think it's a lie.

Barry Cryer, truth or lie?

Dramatic pause. Music is heard in the background.

It was...

..a lie.

APPLAUSE

It's a lie. Barry hasn't written a trilogy of romantic novels

under a female pen name.

I love romantic fiction.

The new Jilly Cooper book features a highly-sexed woman

who makes love in the strangest places.

It's on the shelves Monday, hanging from a chandelier Tuesday,

on top of the wardrobe Wednesday.

Our next round is called This Is My...

where we bring on a mystery guest

who has a close connection to one of our panellists.

So, please welcome this week's special guest, Rod.

APPLAUSE

So, Barry first of all. What is Rod to you?

This is Rod. He drives my favourite bus

and whenever I see it, I shout, "Hello, darling".

LAUGHTER

Sue, how do you know Rod?

This is lovely Rod who's my local butcher

and when I won Maestro,

he had a whole pig in the window and he stuck my face on its face

and he put a little conducting baton in its trotters to celebrate.

ALL: Awww.

Lee, your relationship with Rod?

This is Rod, and after we accidentally

took each other's baggage from the carousel,

I ended up having to wear his clothes for three days on holiday.

So, there we have it.

Barry's bus driver, Sue's butcher or Lee's unlucky holiday-goer.

-David, off you go.

-So, your local butcher...

-Yes.

You got to know him quite well before this...

Before you were sort of represented in pig form.

Yes, for about seven years, off and on.

Is this, like, a posh butchers, basically?

Well, no, how...? what do you mean by posh butcher?

I basically think going to a butcher's is quite posh now,

on the basis that most people buy meat at supermarkets.

Well, no, the butcher's en route to the tube,

so I've always gone and also I've got...

If you need some meat to gnaw on the tube...

Basically, he's on that route so I always say hello

and there's three of them that work there, Rod's one,

and also I've got dogs so they give me bones...

-So this is sort of a 1950s idyll you're living in.

-Yeah, exactly so.

Sue, this was done, so you say,

in honour of the programme Maestro.

Tell us what that was.

A programme where you learned how to be an orchestral conductor.

So why the leap? "Ah! An orchestral conductor - a pig!"

Well, to be fair, I mean, he is a butcher,

he can't say shall we put it on

the face of the pig or the dead body of Andre Previn in the back there?

How was your face done? Was it like a colour printout?

Yeah, like something they'd got off, off the internet,

so it was quite, quite pixelated.

Not pixelated, I think you mean low resolution.

That's what I mean. Not like smiley face.

Otherwise, people would go,

"That's clearly the pixelated face of Sue Perkins on that pig."

Right so moving on...what number bus is it, Barry?

H14. H14 Hatch End to Northwick Park Hospital.

-Right.

-And, and in reverse. No, he doesn't drive in reverse...

And I don't shout, "Hello, darling," at Rod - nothing personal, Rod.

I shout it at the bus, because it's my friend.

You shout it when the H14 drives past.

-So when, when you're planning to get on it..

-Yes.

..then at what point do you shout, "Hello darling."

I'm a creature of whim.

It might be early, it might be late, it might be

when I'm getting on, I don't... I want to vary it.

Do you add, "I'm coming in, darling."

No, no. No, there's no foreplay.

David, what about Lee's?

-So where were you going on holiday?

-Thailand.

-Right.

Me and Rod got our bags mixed up

on the carousel and so as a result of that

I had to wear his clothes for three days.

-Where did you fly to, Bangkok?

-Flew to Bangkok.

-You didn't have labels on your case?

-Correct.

-That was very remiss.

Well, it was remiss, it was...

Lorraine, it was remiss or I'm lying!

-Aye.

-Yeah.

-In which case it wasn't remiss.

OK. I think it will be remiss.

So just, just to clarify, Lee,

are you still saying this is true

or has the very suggestion you might be remiss,

made you abandon any attempt at playing this game.

-I will not be...

-"I'm not going to be called remiss,

"OK, it's nonsense, it's nonsense.

"I'm not a fool, I actually label my luggage very carefully cos I think

"that's very important and I'm not for a moment

"going to pretend otherwise!"

What sort of case was it? Was it just...what kind of case was it?

-It was actually leopard skin.

-Oh, please.

Not leopard skin as in animal fur,

it was plastic but it had, had the effect.

No, blokes don't have leopard skin.

You're right, It was my wife, my wife's zany idea.

-Rod's a proper bloke, I mean...

-So am I, Lorraine, thank you!

-But you're kind of showbiz.

-What d'you mean "kind of showbiz"?

How about I AM showbiz?

I don't think Rod would have...

Remiss, kind of showbiz? I'm really coming for you.

-SUE:

-Not a proper man!

BARRY: What barbs!

Hang on so there's two men... TWO MEN of exact same build,

both travelling to Bangkok on the same flight

with leopard skin suitcases.

LAUGHTER

People swap bags all the time,

but they bring them back to the airport

or they get somebody at the hotel to bring them back

and they buy replacement clothes. They don't go,

"I will now assume the identity of the man whose suitcase I have."

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

No, but I have to be honest, that is the rules of the games,

I didn't...I wasn't in Bangkok,

I had to fly again from Bangkok to a place called Krabi

-and then we got on a boat to an island resort...

-Yeah.

..so it was a long way back to Bangkok.

-So you didn't open your case until your final destination?

-Yes.

What were Rod's clothes like?

Were you happy to wear them, did they fit you?

I think you can look at Rod and you can see he's a stylish man.

-Mmm-hmm.

-His...his wigs weren't great...

but his...

LAUGHTER

Let's say some of the things I wouldn't have worn.

For example his, his bus conductor's outfit.

I wouldn't have worn that!

And as for his butcher's outfit...well.

What are you thinking, David, I mean, it's...

it's a tricky one I think, this week.

I think, I think it's Sue.

-Really?

-I think it's probably Sue.

Do you? I think it's Lee.

You think it's Lee?!

What did I say?

Lorraine, Lorraine, can I just say, even I don't think it's me.

LAUGHTER

-No, it's two against one, go for it.

-Ok, well, we think it's Sue.

Right. Rod, would you please reveal your true identity.

I'm Rod and I'm Barry's H14 driver.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Ladies and gentlemen, Rod. Thank you, Rod.

Time now for some high-speed lying in our final round, Quick-Fire Lies.

Our panellists don't know

whether they're about to read out a true fact

about themselves or a made-up lie they've never seen before.

David is currently behind, so really has to work hard

to grab some extra points, if they want to win.

We will start with...

Oh, David.

Possession.

-You know the form...

-This could be anything.

Take out the object, show us first and then read out the card, please.

Awww.

It's true, it's true!

Move on!

We don't even need to hear it.

This-this is my bear, Tablecloth.

LAUGHTER

Customs officers once cut his head off

and searched him for smuggled goods.

Can we see, is there proof?

-Is there any way of telling?

-There's some stitching.

Oh, just tilt, tilt his chin up so we can see the stitching.

Not too much, don't want to upset him.

-All right.

-Can we have a look at the bear?

-Yes, you can have the bear.

-Throw him over violently.

-No, don't throw him.

I couldn't possibly.

-SUE:

-He's been decapitated, he's seen worse.

You can't throw the bear, that'd be a shame.

Thank you, Lorraine.

Sorry, I meant you to pass it to Rob, I've now made you

do the whole journey, like, "Take the bear over there please, Lorraine.

"It's in my contract I never leave, I never leave the desk."

-David, just look at me...

-I, I didn't...

How is this making you feel?

-LORRAINE:

-That's terrible. You are horrible!

Stop it! That's really terrible!

Isn't it awful?!

He's had his head cut off and his thing ripped out,

how can that possibly upset him?

David why, why did you call this bear Tablecloth?

-BARRY:

-Yes.

Because, when I was very little,

he had a little jacket made out of a tablecloth.

AUDIENCE SIGHS

If this turns out to be a lie,

you are a shameless little light entertainer.

Coming from you, Lee, that is a compliment.

What...where was the customs, where were you going from or to?

We were going back from Minorca.

What were they looking for?

I imagine it was just, sort of, a spot check.

Did you see them carve the head off? Was it happening in front of you,

on the table, on the...

No. I'm glad to say I was shielded from that moment.

David, I'm going off this story.

You heartless bastard.

Huh-ho!

Sorry, Tablecloth.

-What? Do it to him, smash his face on the...

-Give me the bear.

I'm taking the bear into care.

You looks like you're about to do an appeal.

Why didn't they check the arms and legs?

I don't know, I should have asked them to.

I should have said, "Call that thorough?"

I'd have done this here.

What's that you say?

You say it's time for Lee's team to take a guess?

Erm...what do you think?

Maybe he's in denial

and the truth is he, as an adult, was searched for drugs

and he's so traumatised by what they did to him

he's had to create a teddy bear and put it all on to him.

Show us on the teddy bear what they did to you at customs.

Show us on the teddy bear where they shoved their fist.

That's why the bear's hands are like that.

Oh...

APPLAUSE

-OK, we're going to say lie are we, Sue?

-I think so.

-Lie.

-OK.

-Lie.

I don't think I can argue with that.

OK, David.

Well, it is a lie.

APPLAUSE

Yes, it's a lie.

David's teddy bear didn't have his head cut off by customs officers,

as they searched for smuggled goods.

When I was a rebellious young man,

I once stuck two fingers up to a customs officer,

who pulled me aside, put on a rubber glove and returned the favour.

AUDIENCE LAUGHS AND GROANS

Next.

Oh, it's Lee, Lee's go.

-Possession.

-Right, box under the desk, Lee.

Please read the card first and then show us what's in there.

I spent an entire year in a plastic work class at school

and this is the only thing I managed to make.

Plastic work.

Plastic work. What is it?

What is it?

I don't know. Can we have a look, can we...

-Can you bring it over?

-Lee, what is that, though?

Thank you.

It's shit.

LAUGHTER

You bastard. And I treated your teddy bear with such respect.

What is it, though?

-Ironically, it's a luggage tag.

-Is it a luggage tag?

It's a key ring.

-Oh, is it a key ring?

-Are you a big sports fan?

-I follow football.

-Yeah, which team d'you follow?

-Blackburn Rovers.

-Blackburn Rovers?

Blackburn doesn't begin with an L, does it?

So what was the LFC?

Erm...it was Liberace for Chancellor.

LAUGHTER

It stands for Liverpool Football Club.

-Yes, it does.

-Yeah, yeah.

Why did you make a Liverpool key ring in plastic work?

Because they didn't have blue and white plastic,

Blackburn Rovers, they had red plastic, so I thought,

"Well, I'll give it the Liverpool Football Club", cos it's red!

-Right.

-When did you do it,

what age were you when you did that? Was it at school then?

No, it was in Broadmoor.

You say it took you a year.

-DIFFERENT PRONOUNCIATION:

-No, a y-EAR.

-LAUGHTER

-Oh...!

APPLAUSE

I've never heard of plastic work.

Well, the thing is, in 1982, plastic was the future.

Well, I don't, I don't in any way disparage plastic,

that's fine, I like plastic, plastic's very useful.

But a class at school doing... for plastic work?

How did you cut it? What did you use?

Well, not like that.

I don't think you're in any position to get all haughty about your

plastic cutting technique if THIS is the only thing that you have.

APPLAUSE

I must say I, I don't believe this.

I'd love to know what this object is, who made it and why

-but I think we think it's a lie.

-All lies.

-Totally.

OK, they say it's a lie. Lee, is it the truth or is it a lie.

It is in fact true.

THEY GROAN IN DISBELIEF

LORRAINE: Oh, my God!

Plastic work. That was a lesson that never caught on, plastic work.

-Plastic work.

-Did anyone else do plastic work?

-AUDIENCE WHOOPS

Did you get marked on that, submitted for examination?

-Yes, I did get.

-What was your grade?

I got a 2:1 and went straight to Oxford. What do you think?

LAUGHTER

Yes, it's true.

I don't know exactly what LFC stands for,

but I'm guessing the first word is lazy.

LAUGHTER

BUZZER

And that noise signals time is up and it's the end of the show

and I can reveal that David's team have a pathetic three points

and Lee's team has trounced home with eight!

APPLAUSE AND CHEERING

But, of course, it's not just a team game

and my individual liar of the week this week, is Barry Cryer.

Oh, shucks!

Bazza.

Yes, Barry Cryer, who hasn't lied so much since he typed the words

"new material" at the top of a page of jokes.

Good night!

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