Episode 7 Would I Lie to You?

APPLAUSE AND CHEERING

Good evening and welcome to Would I Lie To You?

The show that not only encourages liars, it rewards them.

On David Mitchell's team tonight, it's the star of Pirates of the Caribbean.

Johnny Depp knows him, it's Mackenzie Crook!

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

And a naturalist and TV wildlife presenter.

No, look, I'm not going to debase myself by doing cheap double entendres at his expense.

I will just give you the ingredients and you can take it from there.

Birds, tits, short-haired beavers.

Knock yourself out. Chris Packham.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

And joining Lee Mack tonight,

the country's most famous Victoria behind Beckham and Station.

It's the writer and broadcaster Victoria Coren.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

And a fine comedian who once starred

as the voice of the Welsh tourist board.

Imagine demeaning yourself by appearing in an advert.

LAUGHTER

Rhod Gilbert.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

To Round One, Home Truths, where our panellists read out a statement from the card in front of them.

To make things harder, they've never see the card before and they've no idea what they'll be faced with.

It's up to the opposing team to sort the fact from the fiction. Rhod is first up.

Rhod, please reveal all.

I was sacked from my job at a zoo

when my boss found out I had been taking photos

of the animals wearing hats.

LAUGHTER

So just to clarify, were you wearing the hats or the animals?

No, I was taking photos of the animals wearing hats.

Just to clarify, were you wearing hats or the animals?

You think I was wearing photos of animals while I was wearing multiple hats.

I would say that in the world of oddness,

a man wearing two hats is no odder than an animal wearing one.

Can you give me some examples of animal-hat combos that you took photos of?

Erm, yeah, I'd done monkeys in bowler hats.

Course.

I've done a hippo in a flat cap.

And, well...

I was going to call him a snake. It wasn't a snake, it was in the reptile house,

but I don't know what he was, but he was wearing a fez.

LAUGHTER

Were these miniature hats? Were these little animal hats or human hats?

On the hippo, are you mad?

No, but on the thing in the reptile house I'm thinking a full-sized fez is going to just hide the creature.

So what you're saying is, were the hats to scale?

Thank you. Rhod, were the hats to scale?

The hats... Well, to scale is a grand way of putting it,

but I would certainly try and, you know, make the hat fit.

Right.

The top of a hippo's head is actually quite a slippery affair.

Oh, you've got to get the right hat.

LAUGHTER

What was your official role at the zoo?

General dogsbody, basically.

I get the feeling that if you were to put hats on animals

you'd have gone for deer stalkers and bear skins.

I didn't say I didn't.

We just haven't got all the way through the animals.

-You name a hat, you name an animal...

-Deer stalker.

Erm, no, I didn't do a deer stalker.

Was it the antlers, would have made it...

I didn't have a deer stalker, it wasn't a comprehensive...

But you had a fez, you had a massive hippo-sized flat cap.

Yes! No, it was a regular flat cap.

-What you're saying is...

-I didn't have every single animal and it wasn't every hat.

I didn't cross reference every combination of animal and hat. I just put some on some.

Fair enough.

Rhod, where was this zoo? Was this a Welsh zoo?

Was it Penscynor Bird Gardens, for example?

It was down in Pembrokeshire, in a place called Oaksnade.

-Oaksnade?

-Yep.

There's a chain of snade zoos, isn't there?

There's Oaksnade, Whipsnade...

LAUGHTER

-How did it all come to an end? I

-got caught.

And who was it who apprehended you?

It was the...

the manager of the zoo.

As a zoo owner and manager, I wouldn't have been offended

I can't see anyone being offended by a fez on a snake and a flat cap on a hippo.

I'd have said...

It's just what the zoo needs.

If it's down there in South Wales, at this Oaksnade

I'd have thought any little hat on a cat would have done the trick.

Why? Because it's a Welsh zoo?

Our animals aren't good enough in their natural habitat,

we'd better dress them up a bit.

You racist bastard!

LAUGHTER

Unbelievable.

Well, David, what do you think?

Well, I'll ask my team first.

I mean, I've never heard of Oaksnade zoo?

Have you ever heard of Oaksnade zoo?

Ha! Is that the most you doubt about that story?

LAUGHTER

Put a flat cap on a hippo? Fair enough.

Oaksnade zoo? Not having it, not happy.

My girlfriend owns a zoo. We tour zoos

and Oaksnade's never been on our agenda.

Oaksnade, the zoo that shares a syllable with Whipsnade.

I think Mackenzie's right,

that's the chink in the otherwise impenetrable armour of plausibility

that Oaksnade zoo doesn't exist.

We're very happy to say, lie.

You're saying it's a lie. So, Rhod,

were you telling the truth or were you telling us a lie?

Well, chaps I'm afraid I was telling...

a lie.

APPLAUSE

Yes, it was a lie.

Rhod wasn't sacked from his job at a zoo

because he was caught taking photos of animals wearing hats.

Mackenzie, you're up next.

-Possession.

-Right, there's a box under the desk.

Would you take the possession out, pop it up on the desk

and read the card, please.

Oh.

Oh, hello.

This is my orchidometer,

it was a present from my sister.

-What does an orchidometer do?

-Yeah, that's true.

I tell you what, I've seen one of those and it wasn't called an orchidometer.

Admittedly I haven't seen the whole length of it before.

LAUGHTER

What's an orchidometer, Mackenzie?

It is a piece of medical apparatus

used for determining the size

of testicles in male humans.

Why do you need to know the size of male testicles in humans?

I'm 42, nobody's ever gone, "Hey, extra large."

I don't, this was bought for me by my sister.

Wait a minute. Some of them are so small... They're tiny.

You'd be surprised.

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

My sister bought this for me, for nostalgic reasons.

-Nostalgic?

-Yeah. To remind me...

Hang on, if this is to remind you both of the good old days,

we don't want to hear it.

But surely nostalgia... My sister, when I was growing up,

she would do a little pencil mark on the kitchen wall. Fair enough but...

For your testicles?

LAUGHTER

Oh, you're getting taller.

You know how when someone gives you a jumper, they say, "Oh, try it on now."

-Which one are you? You must have done it.

-I've never done it.

You liar!

Why would I want to know?

I'll tell you why, cos the second we get out of this studio, I'm doing it.

I want to do it now in front of the audience.

Well, I think we'd all be very happy for you to do it now.

-Let's do it.

-Oh, no.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Have you washed it?

It hasn't been anywhere near any.

Well, don't bring it to me. I don't want to...

Hey, Rob, bring back memories?

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

Right, I will do it, but I'll do it under the desk.

-You're not going to get your...

-Yeah. Come on.

One, just one then.

Meet me half way.

Go on then.

Go on then?! No, no, no!

If this is a real medical thing, why did your sister get you it?

Because when I was younger I was a very slight chap, not the...

When you were younger, you were slight?!

Blimey, what were you? A stick man?!

I used to have to go to a hospital to be measured in all sorts of creative and...

Awwww.

Keep it light.

One of the ways they measured me was using the orchidometer...

-They measured your testicles with this?

-Yeah, not with that one.

With your testicle measuring device, you spoil us, ambassador.

The question is whether his sister got it for him, not what this is.

His sister got it for him. He's telling the truth! Can you not...

But this can't be real.

Take those. Have a look at him through those and tell him your sister gave you that as a present.

Have you got truth glasses?

They're not allowed on this show!

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

Lee, it is time to take a guess.

Imagine going to the doctors and going,

"Is that normal to have that many?"

Take a look at this, Doc.

Tell me that's normal.

They're purple and it's the wrong amount!

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

OK, what do you think?

OK then.

Well, why not? It sounds true.

Saying true? OK, Mackenzie, what's the answer?

It is...

true.

It was true.

Mackenzie's sister did buy him that orchidometer.

Mackenzie frequently brings it out at dinner parties and uses it as an ice breaker

and more often than not, a morale crusher.

And at the end of that round, the scores are level.

Our next round is called This is My... where we bring on a mystery guest

who's a close connection to one of our panellists.

This week David's team will claim it's them that has the genuine connection

and it's up to Lee's team to spot who's telling the truth.

Please welcome this week's special guest, Simon.

APPLAUSE

So Mackenzie Crook, what is Simon to you?

This is Simon and when I hoaxed my school by burying some treasure

Simon found it and the police were called.

OK. Chris, how do you know Simon?

This is Simon, in a virtual world, we're married.

LAUGHTER

And finally, David Mitchell, your relationship with Simon?

This is Simon.

He has a large tattoo of my face on his knee.

So there we have it.

Is Simon Mackenzie's treasure hunter,

Chris's cyber spouse or David's tattooed fan?

Lee's team, where would you like to start?

-David.

-Yes?

How do you know Simon?

Um, I know him because when I was doing a book signing

of a comedy book, he came and asked for the book to be signed

and also asked me to sign my name underneath

the tattoo of my face on his knee.

When you signed the face,

is the face normal when the knee is stretched?

Or is the face normal, when it's not stretched?

Look, it's my face. It's not normal at all!

I hate to ask you this but you've got to answer honestly.

-No, no, I don't.

-That's the whole point of the game OK.

OK. When the people from Would I Lie To You said,

"We're going to invite on that man who's got a tattoo

"of your face on his knee", did you say,

"Oh, good, I'd like to see him again"?

I am of course thrilled...

to re-make the acquaintance of, um...

of... yeah.

Simon.

It's Simon.

Of, um, Simon.

Just to digress a little bit,

I once got, it's true, backstage after a gig...

a woman asked me to sign her bosom

and I went to sign with the pen that she gave me

and the pen didn't work

and without thinking I went to the other breast and went...

It was awful.

APPLAUSE

Mackenzie, how old were you when you buried this treasure?

Er, maybe 13 or 14.

What was the treasure?

Diamonds.

LAUGHTER

-Whoa.

-That's got everyone's attention.

-Fake diamonds, it was hoax so...

-How many fake diamonds?

Erm, probably six.

-Where did you get fake diamonds?

-From my sister's jewellery box.

Then you rang the police and hoaxed them into coming to find some fake diamonds?

No, no, I put them in a tin

and they were dredging the school pond

so I knew if I placed it in the pond it would be found.

And where did he fit into this?

Simon found the tin with the supposed diamonds and a letter that I'd faked.

What did it say on the letter?

It said something along the lines of, "These are stolen, smuggled diamonds."

Whoa, whoa, whoa. So you're telling me

that diamonds were found with a letter that goes, "These are smuggled diamonds."

Someone went, "We better phone the police, this is genuine." Was there a punishment involved?

Nobody ever found out it was me. The police said they'd analysed the diamonds

and they weren't diamonds and it was a hoax.

So they caught Ronnie Biggs, but they couldn't get you?

-Are you happy to move on now?

-Yeah. Chris you're married in a virtual world?

Tell us more about how you met Simon.

Second Life is a virtual world that exists on the internet,

Secondlife.com, and I'm one of the players.

There are various roles that you can play.

You invent an avatar for yourself.

And you are?

My avatar is Audrey Helpburn.

-Is what?

-Audrey Helpburn.

-So you're playing the woman in this relationship?

-Yes.

-Why have you got a second life as a woman?

-Part of the whole thing

is that you can be whatever you want to be...

Don't start singing I Am What I Am!

I thought, well, I'll change my personality,

I'll be Audrey Helpburn,

as the Audrey Hepburn happens to be one of my real-life heroines.

Couldn't do Hepburn cos someone had already done it.

And what is Simon's avatar?

He is Simon Bernstein Junior.

Right. And where did you meet him in this virtual world?

Well, when you go on there,

you can go to places and then you meet people. They contact you.

It's a bit like real life, but for sad people!

His name's Simon and his pretend name is Simon?

Yes, but his real name's Simon Morgan. Presumably, rather like Audrey Hepburn,

he couldn't be Simon Morgan. There are about twenty million people...

-No, but you're not Audrey Hepburn.

-No, Helpburn.

No, but you wanted... Yes, but he is Simon Morgan.

It's like a psychiatrist's couch. "You are not Audrey Hepburn!

"I'm not going to tell you again. We went through this last week. You're not Audrey Hepburn."

I still haven't established where you met Simon Bernstein Junior.

I met him at a cocktail party. I married him for his money.

I believe you because when you said you married him for his money,

did you see his face?

LAUGHTER

He couldn't help it when he said that.

No, that was the ink on his knees, drying.

What are you going to say?

This is a tricky one for me. Victoria, who is he connected with?

If this was a poker game and I had to make a call, I'd say Mackenzie's not bluffing.

-You're going by body language?

-That's interesting.

What is it about his body that tells you he's not bluffing it?

He has a certain... He has a sort of calm...

I know for a fact he's under heavy medication!

Looking at it from a different way, Simon is far too geeky

for tattoos on his knees,

but the avatar thing sounds just a bit too plausible.

I think it's Mackenzie.

Victoria's a top poker player, she knows body language better than anybody.

You're saying it's definitely Mackenzie Crook?

-You're saying that it's the buried treasure?

-Yeah.

OK. Simon, would you like to reveal your true identity?

My name is Simon

and when we were at school together, I discovered

Mackenzie's buried treasure.

APPLAUSE

Everything that Mackenzie said was absolutely true.

Simon found the treasure Mackenzie buried

and actually, we can show you the letter. Have a look at this.

"In this tin, I have placed stolen..."

You don't mind me doing it with an accent, do you?

"In this tin, I have placed stolen diamonds."

I thought you were going to do it with an accent!

LAUGHTER

I would never claim to have your range as an actor, David.

Shall I do posh and repressed, or repressed and posh.

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

Well done and thank you very much Simon for coming on, how about that?

Which brings us on to our final round, Quickfire Lies.

Our panellists lie through their teeth and against the clock.

First up... It's Lee.

I once helped my mum and dad look for something they'd lost using a Ouija board.

Was it a relative they'd lost?

David's team, do you believe that?

Um, what was it that they'd lost?

They'd lost an important document.

OK, I don't want you to be more specific, that's fine.

Or actually, yes, be more specific.

-A very important document.

-OK.

It was a document.

-It was a document?!

-Yes.

-Oh, right.

-Did I mention how important it was?

-You're going too quickly!

It was a document.

Did the document matter?

-Oh, it was important, yes.

-An important document.

I can't stress upon you how important it was.

It was very important.

What was the important document?

Well, that's the thing I can't...

Erm, I was only young and I can't remember exactly.

They'd lost it.

It was something to do with a potential court case,

I don't think it ever got to court...

Well, of course, they didn't have the document.

They were worried something might go to court and if they found

this document it would mean they were proved to be in the right.

-I can't remember anything more...

-I can't go into specifics.

Can we concentrate on the world of the dead?

Did they get through to your grandmother and she went,

"Where did you last see it? Retrace your steps."

Where did you get the Ouija board from?

I think one of those regulars cos we grew up...

One of the regular what?

We grew up in a pub, before the internet,

between three and five the pub closed, you had to think of something to do.

-Obviously dabble in the occult.

-Dabble in the occult.

And believe it or not, my mum, dad and the regulars had a lock-in,

and me and my brother were invited to do the Ouija board.

If only you'd had Jenga or something more wholesome, but no.

-Did you hold hands?

-That's a seance, don't be an idiot.

-Sorry. I get my bullshit mixed up.

-Yeah.

How did you ask the question?

I remember it. My dad said, "Spirit world, we have a very, very,

"very, very, very, very... I can't stress upon you enough

"how important a document it is that we must find."

-And they told us where it was.

-What did they spell out?

-"In the attic".

So were your parents massively into the occult?

No. It wasn't a problem. It wasn't like, you know...

It was just a bit of fun in the afternoon.

-Ouija boards was cheeky in the '70s, before these horror films.

-Right.

Until then it was a Waddington's family game.

-It used to be advertised after Mouse Trap.

-"MB Ouija board."

Picture of all the family looking freaked out.

-So, David, what's it going to be - truth or lie?

-I think.

-True.

-You think it's true?

-I think it is.

-I think it's true.

I was not thinking it's true, but my team think it's true.

-You're the captain.

-So I'll go with the team.

OK, you say true. Lee, what's the answer?

The answer is it is, in fact, true.

APPLAUSE

Yes, it's true. Lee did once help his parents look for something

they'd lost using a Ouija board.

For those of you who don't know what a Ouija board is,

it's like Scrabble for dead people.

Next...

It's Victoria.

If I ever get stuck on a crossword clue, I phone Tim Henman for help.

He hasn't let me down yet.

-Right, David.

-I think that's a very cruel line, "he hasn't let me down yet".

We all know what that's an allusion to - his repeated letting down

of the entire nation. I think it's, you know...

Tennis is difficult. And I'd just like to say

I wouldn't necessarily have won Wimbledon.

Obviously, if I'd practiced as much as Tim Henman,

I'd bloody well expect to. But nevertheless...

-LAUGHTER

-Um... Right. So how do you know Tim Henman?

I met Tim Henman when he was promoting a sort of

-tennis academy thing, and I went and played tennis with him at Wimbledon.

-Did you play at Wimbledon?

Yeah. I was writing about it, it wasn't like, "Victoria Coren's got to come and play."

-You used to ring up Tim Henman to as him difficult crossword things?

-Yeah.

How did you get round the sensitive issue of going, "Six down"?

LAUGHTER

So Tim Henman is particularly good at crosswords?

He's got to be good at something. LAUGHTER

Once again, I would say that Tim Henman is relatively good at tennis.

He could almost be a professional.

I'm curious, of all the people you meet in the course of your job,

you chose a tennis player of sorts to advise you on crosswords.

-He's very into crosswords.

-You're saying, "At this point, in this clue I can't get,

"what we need are some of the skills that it takes to, you know,

"choke during a tie break"?

You're turning against him now, aren't you?

Make your mind up - which side are you on?

How did the subject of crosswords come up?

I was doing a crossword while waiting for him...

To serve, to get one in.

LAUGHTER That's why he kept losing.

I was doing a crossword, he came in, it was kind of a bonding thing because he said,

"I like crosswords, let me have a look."

What do you think? Is it plausible?

I think it might be plausible, yeah.

Cryptic or just regular?

Cryp. He's not an idiot.

"Oh, yeah, it's got three letters, household pet, starts with D."

Cat.

LAUGHTER

Mackenzie thinks it's plausible, Packham is saying...

-I think it's sadly probably true.

-Right, so you... Come on.

-I don't have to think.

-You're saying true?

-True.

-OK, so, Victoria...

You think I phone Tim Henman to ask him the answer to crossword clues?

Obviously, that's a lie.

APPLAUSE

It's a lie, Victoria doesn't phone Tim Henman for help

whenever she gets stuck on a crossword clue. Next...

It's Rhod.

I once paid for some tapas with a Nissan Micra.

LAUGHTER

-David, tapas, Nissan Micra.

-How much tapas were you buying?

One meal's worth of tapas.

So what cash value of this tapas?

In the area of £15.

OK. Why?

I didn't have any money.

But weren't you aware that a Nissan Micra, even in probably quite

scruffy condition, would be worth a lot more than £15?

Yeah, but if you haven't got money, just a Nissan Micra, what are you going to do?

I don't suppose I'd eat out in restaurants that much.

Drive home and have some toast.

I couldn't drive home, I'd sold my car for some tapas.

Oh, yeah, good point.

-Did they accept the car in payment?

-Er, yes.

-How many of you were eating?

-Er, eight.

Eight of you sharing £15 worth of tapas?

-I ate £15 worth, we all had roughly, I suppose... I don't know.

-But you didn't offer...

You didn't offer the Nissan Micra for everyone's meal, you said,

"Well, I only had this, this and this, the Nissan Micra's only covering that"?

"You can pay for your own."

I mean, that might have been the time to be a little bit, you know,

little bit generous. "I am giving a car away here."

Did none of the others think that they might chip in to save your car?

Somebody did bail me out, so I had to pay them with my car,

that's all I had. They said...

So it was one of your friends that you gave the car to,

-not the proprietors of the restaurant?

-Obviously not, yeah.

I see. So one of your friends said, "I'll give you the 15 quid."

"I'll pay your share."

"But you can't owe it to me, you can't give it to me next week,

"I want something in exchange for it NOW."

You looked in your pocket, "I've got a handkerchief, my shirt. It'd be embarrassing to take my shirt off,

"it'll have to be the car."

I think what happened was she said, "I'll pay your share."

I said, "I've got nothing, I can give you my car."

I don't think it occurred to her to say, "Give me 15 quid next week."

"I'll take the car" is what she said.

-What was the value of the car?

-2,500 I paid for it.

And how long had you had it?

-And how long before the dinner?

-I lost £2,485 on the deal.

LAUGHTER

It was good tapas, it was nice. We had, um...

I had albondigas,

-I had croquettas, you know, croquettes.

-Don't patronise me.

LAUGHTER

And, um. And I had gambas a la plancha - grilled prawns.

No, no, no, no.

And then I threw in the floor mats for some patatas bravas.

David, what do you think? Is he telling the truth?

-I think not.

-Surely not.

But it's so sort of odd and weird and I think it's a lie.

-It's a lie.

-Yeah.

-They're all saying it's a lie.

OK, Rhod Gilbert, truth or lie?

It is a...

..true.

APPLAUSE

So, just to be clear, everything you just said was true?

-Every word of it.

-You are a moron!

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

BUZZER SOUNDS

And that noise signals time is up and it's the end of the show.

And I can tell you, well, what a shocker,

-Lee's team have won by six points to four.

-How did you do it?

APPLAUSE

But, of course, it's not just a team game,

and my individual liar of the week this week is Mackenzie Crook.

APPLAUSE

Yes, Mackenzie Crook - I suppose the clue was in the name.

never trust anyone called Mackenzie.

Good night.