Episode 7 Would I Lie to You?


Episode 7

In this episode, David is joined by Mackenzie Crook and Chris Packham, while Lee Mack is joined by Victoria Coren and Rhod Gilbert.


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Transcript


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APPLAUSE AND CHEERING

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Good evening and welcome to Would I Lie To You?

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The show that not only encourages liars, it rewards them.

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On David Mitchell's team tonight, it's the star of Pirates of the Caribbean.

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Johnny Depp knows him, it's Mackenzie Crook!

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CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

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And a naturalist and TV wildlife presenter.

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No, look, I'm not going to debase myself by doing cheap double entendres at his expense.

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I will just give you the ingredients and you can take it from there.

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Birds, tits, short-haired beavers.

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Knock yourself out. Chris Packham.

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CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

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And joining Lee Mack tonight,

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the country's most famous Victoria behind Beckham and Station.

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It's the writer and broadcaster Victoria Coren.

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CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

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And a fine comedian who once starred

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as the voice of the Welsh tourist board.

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Imagine demeaning yourself by appearing in an advert.

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LAUGHTER

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Rhod Gilbert.

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CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

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To Round One, Home Truths, where our panellists read out a statement from the card in front of them.

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To make things harder, they've never see the card before and they've no idea what they'll be faced with.

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It's up to the opposing team to sort the fact from the fiction. Rhod is first up.

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Rhod, please reveal all.

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I was sacked from my job at a zoo

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when my boss found out I had been taking photos

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of the animals wearing hats.

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LAUGHTER

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So just to clarify, were you wearing the hats or the animals?

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No, I was taking photos of the animals wearing hats.

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Just to clarify, were you wearing hats or the animals?

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You think I was wearing photos of animals while I was wearing multiple hats.

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I would say that in the world of oddness,

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a man wearing two hats is no odder than an animal wearing one.

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Can you give me some examples of animal-hat combos that you took photos of?

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Erm, yeah, I'd done monkeys in bowler hats.

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Course.

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I've done a hippo in a flat cap.

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And, well...

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I was going to call him a snake. It wasn't a snake, it was in the reptile house,

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but I don't know what he was, but he was wearing a fez.

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LAUGHTER

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Were these miniature hats? Were these little animal hats or human hats?

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On the hippo, are you mad?

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No, but on the thing in the reptile house I'm thinking a full-sized fez is going to just hide the creature.

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So what you're saying is, were the hats to scale?

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Thank you. Rhod, were the hats to scale?

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The hats... Well, to scale is a grand way of putting it,

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but I would certainly try and, you know, make the hat fit.

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Right.

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The top of a hippo's head is actually quite a slippery affair.

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Oh, you've got to get the right hat.

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LAUGHTER

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What was your official role at the zoo?

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General dogsbody, basically.

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I get the feeling that if you were to put hats on animals

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you'd have gone for deer stalkers and bear skins.

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I didn't say I didn't.

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We just haven't got all the way through the animals.

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-You name a hat, you name an animal...

-Deer stalker.

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Erm, no, I didn't do a deer stalker.

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Was it the antlers, would have made it...

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I didn't have a deer stalker, it wasn't a comprehensive...

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But you had a fez, you had a massive hippo-sized flat cap.

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Yes! No, it was a regular flat cap.

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-What you're saying is...

-I didn't have every single animal and it wasn't every hat.

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I didn't cross reference every combination of animal and hat. I just put some on some.

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Fair enough.

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Rhod, where was this zoo? Was this a Welsh zoo?

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Was it Penscynor Bird Gardens, for example?

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It was down in Pembrokeshire, in a place called Oaksnade.

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-Oaksnade?

-Yep.

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There's a chain of snade zoos, isn't there?

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There's Oaksnade, Whipsnade...

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LAUGHTER

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-How did it all come to an end? I

-got caught.

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And who was it who apprehended you?

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It was the...

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the manager of the zoo.

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As a zoo owner and manager, I wouldn't have been offended

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I can't see anyone being offended by a fez on a snake and a flat cap on a hippo.

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I'd have said...

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It's just what the zoo needs.

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If it's down there in South Wales, at this Oaksnade

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I'd have thought any little hat on a cat would have done the trick.

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Why? Because it's a Welsh zoo?

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Our animals aren't good enough in their natural habitat,

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we'd better dress them up a bit.

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You racist bastard!

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LAUGHTER

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Unbelievable.

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Well, David, what do you think?

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Well, I'll ask my team first.

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I mean, I've never heard of Oaksnade zoo?

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Have you ever heard of Oaksnade zoo?

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Ha! Is that the most you doubt about that story?

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LAUGHTER

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Put a flat cap on a hippo? Fair enough.

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Oaksnade zoo? Not having it, not happy.

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My girlfriend owns a zoo. We tour zoos

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and Oaksnade's never been on our agenda.

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Oaksnade, the zoo that shares a syllable with Whipsnade.

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I think Mackenzie's right,

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that's the chink in the otherwise impenetrable armour of plausibility

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that Oaksnade zoo doesn't exist.

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We're very happy to say, lie.

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You're saying it's a lie. So, Rhod,

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were you telling the truth or were you telling us a lie?

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Well, chaps I'm afraid I was telling...

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a lie.

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APPLAUSE

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Yes, it was a lie.

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Rhod wasn't sacked from his job at a zoo

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because he was caught taking photos of animals wearing hats.

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Mackenzie, you're up next.

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-Possession.

-Right, there's a box under the desk.

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Would you take the possession out, pop it up on the desk

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and read the card, please.

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Oh.

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Oh, hello.

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This is my orchidometer,

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it was a present from my sister.

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-What does an orchidometer do?

-Yeah, that's true.

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I tell you what, I've seen one of those and it wasn't called an orchidometer.

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Admittedly I haven't seen the whole length of it before.

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LAUGHTER

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What's an orchidometer, Mackenzie?

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It is a piece of medical apparatus

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used for determining the size

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of testicles in male humans.

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Why do you need to know the size of male testicles in humans?

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I'm 42, nobody's ever gone, "Hey, extra large."

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I don't, this was bought for me by my sister.

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Wait a minute. Some of them are so small... They're tiny.

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You'd be surprised.

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LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

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My sister bought this for me, for nostalgic reasons.

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-Nostalgic?

-Yeah. To remind me...

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Hang on, if this is to remind you both of the good old days,

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we don't want to hear it.

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But surely nostalgia... My sister, when I was growing up,

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she would do a little pencil mark on the kitchen wall. Fair enough but...

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For your testicles?

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LAUGHTER

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Oh, you're getting taller.

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You know how when someone gives you a jumper, they say, "Oh, try it on now."

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-Which one are you? You must have done it.

-I've never done it.

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You liar!

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Why would I want to know?

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I'll tell you why, cos the second we get out of this studio, I'm doing it.

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I want to do it now in front of the audience.

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Well, I think we'd all be very happy for you to do it now.

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-Let's do it.

-Oh, no.

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CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

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Have you washed it?

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It hasn't been anywhere near any.

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Well, don't bring it to me. I don't want to...

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Hey, Rob, bring back memories?

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LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

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Right, I will do it, but I'll do it under the desk.

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-You're not going to get your...

-Yeah. Come on.

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One, just one then.

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Meet me half way.

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Go on then.

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Go on then?! No, no, no!

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If this is a real medical thing, why did your sister get you it?

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Because when I was younger I was a very slight chap, not the...

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When you were younger, you were slight?!

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Blimey, what were you? A stick man?!

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I used to have to go to a hospital to be measured in all sorts of creative and...

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Awwww.

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Keep it light.

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One of the ways they measured me was using the orchidometer...

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-They measured your testicles with this?

-Yeah, not with that one.

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With your testicle measuring device, you spoil us, ambassador.

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The question is whether his sister got it for him, not what this is.

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His sister got it for him. He's telling the truth! Can you not...

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But this can't be real.

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Take those. Have a look at him through those and tell him your sister gave you that as a present.

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Have you got truth glasses?

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They're not allowed on this show!

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LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

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Lee, it is time to take a guess.

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Imagine going to the doctors and going,

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"Is that normal to have that many?"

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Take a look at this, Doc.

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Tell me that's normal.

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They're purple and it's the wrong amount!

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LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

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OK, what do you think?

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OK then.

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Well, why not? It sounds true.

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Saying true? OK, Mackenzie, what's the answer?

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It is...

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true.

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It was true.

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Mackenzie's sister did buy him that orchidometer.

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Mackenzie frequently brings it out at dinner parties and uses it as an ice breaker

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and more often than not, a morale crusher.

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And at the end of that round, the scores are level.

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Our next round is called This is My... where we bring on a mystery guest

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who's a close connection to one of our panellists.

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This week David's team will claim it's them that has the genuine connection

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and it's up to Lee's team to spot who's telling the truth.

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Please welcome this week's special guest, Simon.

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APPLAUSE

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So Mackenzie Crook, what is Simon to you?

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This is Simon and when I hoaxed my school by burying some treasure

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Simon found it and the police were called.

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OK. Chris, how do you know Simon?

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This is Simon, in a virtual world, we're married.

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LAUGHTER

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And finally, David Mitchell, your relationship with Simon?

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This is Simon.

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He has a large tattoo of my face on his knee.

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So there we have it.

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Is Simon Mackenzie's treasure hunter,

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Chris's cyber spouse or David's tattooed fan?

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Lee's team, where would you like to start?

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-David.

-Yes?

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How do you know Simon?

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Um, I know him because when I was doing a book signing

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of a comedy book, he came and asked for the book to be signed

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and also asked me to sign my name underneath

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the tattoo of my face on his knee.

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When you signed the face,

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is the face normal when the knee is stretched?

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Or is the face normal, when it's not stretched?

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Look, it's my face. It's not normal at all!

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I hate to ask you this but you've got to answer honestly.

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-No, no, I don't.

-That's the whole point of the game OK.

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OK. When the people from Would I Lie To You said,

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"We're going to invite on that man who's got a tattoo

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"of your face on his knee", did you say,

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"Oh, good, I'd like to see him again"?

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I am of course thrilled...

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to re-make the acquaintance of, um...

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of... yeah.

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Simon.

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It's Simon.

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Of, um, Simon.

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Just to digress a little bit,

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I once got, it's true, backstage after a gig...

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a woman asked me to sign her bosom

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and I went to sign with the pen that she gave me

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and the pen didn't work

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and without thinking I went to the other breast and went...

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It was awful.

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APPLAUSE

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Mackenzie, how old were you when you buried this treasure?

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Er, maybe 13 or 14.

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What was the treasure?

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Diamonds.

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LAUGHTER

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-Whoa.

-That's got everyone's attention.

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-Fake diamonds, it was hoax so...

-How many fake diamonds?

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Erm, probably six.

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-Where did you get fake diamonds?

-From my sister's jewellery box.

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Then you rang the police and hoaxed them into coming to find some fake diamonds?

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No, no, I put them in a tin

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and they were dredging the school pond

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so I knew if I placed it in the pond it would be found.

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And where did he fit into this?

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Simon found the tin with the supposed diamonds and a letter that I'd faked.

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What did it say on the letter?

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It said something along the lines of, "These are stolen, smuggled diamonds."

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Whoa, whoa, whoa. So you're telling me

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that diamonds were found with a letter that goes, "These are smuggled diamonds."

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Someone went, "We better phone the police, this is genuine." Was there a punishment involved?

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Nobody ever found out it was me. The police said they'd analysed the diamonds

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and they weren't diamonds and it was a hoax.

0:14:240:14:26

So they caught Ronnie Biggs, but they couldn't get you?

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-Are you happy to move on now?

-Yeah. Chris you're married in a virtual world?

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Tell us more about how you met Simon.

0:14:350:14:38

Second Life is a virtual world that exists on the internet,

0:14:380:14:42

Secondlife.com, and I'm one of the players.

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There are various roles that you can play.

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You invent an avatar for yourself.

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And you are?

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My avatar is Audrey Helpburn.

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-Is what?

-Audrey Helpburn.

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-So you're playing the woman in this relationship?

-Yes.

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-Why have you got a second life as a woman?

-Part of the whole thing

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is that you can be whatever you want to be...

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Don't start singing I Am What I Am!

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I thought, well, I'll change my personality,

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I'll be Audrey Helpburn,

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as the Audrey Hepburn happens to be one of my real-life heroines.

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Couldn't do Hepburn cos someone had already done it.

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And what is Simon's avatar?

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He is Simon Bernstein Junior.

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Right. And where did you meet him in this virtual world?

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Well, when you go on there,

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you can go to places and then you meet people. They contact you.

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It's a bit like real life, but for sad people!

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His name's Simon and his pretend name is Simon?

0:15:340:15:36

Yes, but his real name's Simon Morgan. Presumably, rather like Audrey Hepburn,

0:15:360:15:41

he couldn't be Simon Morgan. There are about twenty million people...

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-No, but you're not Audrey Hepburn.

-No, Helpburn.

0:15:450:15:48

No, but you wanted... Yes, but he is Simon Morgan.

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It's like a psychiatrist's couch. "You are not Audrey Hepburn!

0:15:520:15:56

"I'm not going to tell you again. We went through this last week. You're not Audrey Hepburn."

0:15:560:16:00

I still haven't established where you met Simon Bernstein Junior.

0:16:000:16:03

I met him at a cocktail party. I married him for his money.

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I believe you because when you said you married him for his money,

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did you see his face?

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LAUGHTER

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He couldn't help it when he said that.

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No, that was the ink on his knees, drying.

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What are you going to say?

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This is a tricky one for me. Victoria, who is he connected with?

0:16:230:16:27

If this was a poker game and I had to make a call, I'd say Mackenzie's not bluffing.

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-You're going by body language?

-That's interesting.

0:16:310:16:34

What is it about his body that tells you he's not bluffing it?

0:16:340:16:38

He has a certain... He has a sort of calm...

0:16:380:16:41

I know for a fact he's under heavy medication!

0:16:410:16:45

Looking at it from a different way, Simon is far too geeky

0:16:450:16:48

for tattoos on his knees,

0:16:480:16:49

but the avatar thing sounds just a bit too plausible.

0:16:490:16:52

I think it's Mackenzie.

0:16:520:16:53

Victoria's a top poker player, she knows body language better than anybody.

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You're saying it's definitely Mackenzie Crook?

0:16:580:17:00

-You're saying that it's the buried treasure?

-Yeah.

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OK. Simon, would you like to reveal your true identity?

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My name is Simon

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and when we were at school together, I discovered

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Mackenzie's buried treasure.

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APPLAUSE

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Everything that Mackenzie said was absolutely true.

0:17:190:17:22

Simon found the treasure Mackenzie buried

0:17:220:17:25

and actually, we can show you the letter. Have a look at this.

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"In this tin, I have placed stolen..."

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You don't mind me doing it with an accent, do you?

0:17:350:17:37

"In this tin, I have placed stolen diamonds."

0:17:370:17:40

I thought you were going to do it with an accent!

0:17:400:17:43

LAUGHTER

0:17:430:17:47

I would never claim to have your range as an actor, David.

0:17:470:17:50

Shall I do posh and repressed, or repressed and posh.

0:17:520:17:56

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

0:17:560:18:00

Well done and thank you very much Simon for coming on, how about that?

0:18:000:18:05

Which brings us on to our final round, Quickfire Lies.

0:18:060:18:10

Our panellists lie through their teeth and against the clock.

0:18:100:18:13

First up... It's Lee.

0:18:130:18:17

I once helped my mum and dad look for something they'd lost using a Ouija board.

0:18:190:18:24

Was it a relative they'd lost?

0:18:260:18:30

David's team, do you believe that?

0:18:300:18:33

Um, what was it that they'd lost?

0:18:330:18:35

They'd lost an important document.

0:18:350:18:38

OK, I don't want you to be more specific, that's fine.

0:18:380:18:42

Or actually, yes, be more specific.

0:18:420:18:45

-A very important document.

-OK.

0:18:450:18:48

It was a document.

0:18:480:18:49

-It was a document?!

-Yes.

-Oh, right.

0:18:490:18:51

-Did I mention how important it was?

-You're going too quickly!

0:18:510:18:55

It was a document.

0:18:550:18:57

Did the document matter?

0:18:570:18:59

-Oh, it was important, yes.

-An important document.

0:18:590:19:01

I can't stress upon you how important it was.

0:19:010:19:04

It was very important.

0:19:040:19:05

What was the important document?

0:19:050:19:07

Well, that's the thing I can't...

0:19:070:19:09

Erm, I was only young and I can't remember exactly.

0:19:090:19:12

They'd lost it.

0:19:120:19:13

It was something to do with a potential court case,

0:19:130:19:16

I don't think it ever got to court...

0:19:160:19:18

Well, of course, they didn't have the document.

0:19:180:19:21

They were worried something might go to court and if they found

0:19:210:19:24

this document it would mean they were proved to be in the right.

0:19:240:19:27

-I can't remember anything more...

-I can't go into specifics.

0:19:270:19:31

Can we concentrate on the world of the dead?

0:19:310:19:33

Did they get through to your grandmother and she went,

0:19:330:19:36

"Where did you last see it? Retrace your steps."

0:19:360:19:40

Where did you get the Ouija board from?

0:19:400:19:42

I think one of those regulars cos we grew up...

0:19:420:19:45

One of the regular what?

0:19:450:19:46

We grew up in a pub, before the internet,

0:19:460:19:49

between three and five the pub closed, you had to think of something to do.

0:19:490:19:52

-Obviously dabble in the occult.

-Dabble in the occult.

0:19:520:19:55

And believe it or not, my mum, dad and the regulars had a lock-in,

0:19:550:19:59

and me and my brother were invited to do the Ouija board.

0:19:590:20:02

If only you'd had Jenga or something more wholesome, but no.

0:20:020:20:05

-Did you hold hands?

-That's a seance, don't be an idiot.

0:20:050:20:08

-Sorry. I get my bullshit mixed up.

-Yeah.

0:20:080:20:12

How did you ask the question?

0:20:130:20:15

I remember it. My dad said, "Spirit world, we have a very, very,

0:20:150:20:20

"very, very, very, very... I can't stress upon you enough

0:20:200:20:24

"how important a document it is that we must find."

0:20:240:20:27

-And they told us where it was.

-What did they spell out?

-"In the attic".

0:20:270:20:30

So were your parents massively into the occult?

0:20:300:20:33

No. It wasn't a problem. It wasn't like, you know...

0:20:330:20:36

It was just a bit of fun in the afternoon.

0:20:360:20:38

-Ouija boards was cheeky in the '70s, before these horror films.

-Right.

0:20:380:20:42

Until then it was a Waddington's family game.

0:20:420:20:45

-It used to be advertised after Mouse Trap.

-"MB Ouija board."

0:20:450:20:50

Picture of all the family looking freaked out.

0:20:500:20:53

-So, David, what's it going to be - truth or lie?

-I think.

-True.

0:20:530:20:56

-You think it's true?

-I think it is.

-I think it's true.

0:20:560:20:59

I was not thinking it's true, but my team think it's true.

0:20:590:21:03

-You're the captain.

-So I'll go with the team.

0:21:030:21:05

OK, you say true. Lee, what's the answer?

0:21:050:21:08

The answer is it is, in fact, true.

0:21:080:21:11

APPLAUSE

0:21:120:21:16

Yes, it's true. Lee did once help his parents look for something

0:21:160:21:20

they'd lost using a Ouija board.

0:21:200:21:21

For those of you who don't know what a Ouija board is,

0:21:210:21:24

it's like Scrabble for dead people.

0:21:240:21:27

Next...

0:21:270:21:29

It's Victoria.

0:21:290:21:33

If I ever get stuck on a crossword clue, I phone Tim Henman for help.

0:21:330:21:37

He hasn't let me down yet.

0:21:370:21:39

-Right, David.

-I think that's a very cruel line, "he hasn't let me down yet".

0:21:390:21:43

We all know what that's an allusion to - his repeated letting down

0:21:430:21:48

of the entire nation. I think it's, you know...

0:21:480:21:51

Tennis is difficult. And I'd just like to say

0:21:510:21:54

I wouldn't necessarily have won Wimbledon.

0:21:540:21:56

Obviously, if I'd practiced as much as Tim Henman,

0:21:560:21:59

I'd bloody well expect to. But nevertheless...

0:21:590:22:02

-LAUGHTER

-Um... Right. So how do you know Tim Henman?

0:22:020:22:07

I met Tim Henman when he was promoting a sort of

0:22:070:22:12

-tennis academy thing, and I went and played tennis with him at Wimbledon.

-Did you play at Wimbledon?

0:22:120:22:17

Yeah. I was writing about it, it wasn't like, "Victoria Coren's got to come and play."

0:22:170:22:21

-You used to ring up Tim Henman to as him difficult crossword things?

-Yeah.

0:22:210:22:26

How did you get round the sensitive issue of going, "Six down"?

0:22:260:22:29

LAUGHTER

0:22:290:22:31

So Tim Henman is particularly good at crosswords?

0:22:350:22:39

He's got to be good at something. LAUGHTER

0:22:390:22:41

Once again, I would say that Tim Henman is relatively good at tennis.

0:22:430:22:48

He could almost be a professional.

0:22:480:22:52

I'm curious, of all the people you meet in the course of your job,

0:22:520:22:56

you chose a tennis player of sorts to advise you on crosswords.

0:22:560:23:02

-He's very into crosswords.

-You're saying, "At this point, in this clue I can't get,

0:23:020:23:06

"what we need are some of the skills that it takes to, you know,

0:23:060:23:09

"choke during a tie break"?

0:23:090:23:11

You're turning against him now, aren't you?

0:23:110:23:15

Make your mind up - which side are you on?

0:23:150:23:17

How did the subject of crosswords come up?

0:23:170:23:19

I was doing a crossword while waiting for him...

0:23:190:23:22

To serve, to get one in.

0:23:220:23:24

LAUGHTER That's why he kept losing.

0:23:240:23:28

I was doing a crossword, he came in, it was kind of a bonding thing because he said,

0:23:280:23:32

"I like crosswords, let me have a look."

0:23:320:23:34

What do you think? Is it plausible?

0:23:340:23:36

I think it might be plausible, yeah.

0:23:360:23:40

Cryptic or just regular?

0:23:400:23:42

Cryp. He's not an idiot.

0:23:420:23:44

"Oh, yeah, it's got three letters, household pet, starts with D."

0:23:440:23:48

Cat.

0:23:480:23:49

LAUGHTER

0:23:490:23:52

Mackenzie thinks it's plausible, Packham is saying...

0:23:520:23:55

-I think it's sadly probably true.

-Right, so you... Come on.

0:23:550:23:57

-I don't have to think.

-You're saying true?

-True.

-OK, so, Victoria...

0:23:570:24:03

You think I phone Tim Henman to ask him the answer to crossword clues?

0:24:030:24:06

Obviously, that's a lie.

0:24:060:24:08

APPLAUSE

0:24:080:24:11

It's a lie, Victoria doesn't phone Tim Henman for help

0:24:140:24:17

whenever she gets stuck on a crossword clue. Next...

0:24:170:24:21

It's Rhod.

0:24:210:24:22

I once paid for some tapas with a Nissan Micra.

0:24:260:24:30

LAUGHTER

0:24:300:24:32

-David, tapas, Nissan Micra.

-How much tapas were you buying?

0:24:360:24:41

One meal's worth of tapas.

0:24:410:24:44

So what cash value of this tapas?

0:24:440:24:47

In the area of £15.

0:24:470:24:49

OK. Why?

0:24:490:24:51

I didn't have any money.

0:24:510:24:53

But weren't you aware that a Nissan Micra, even in probably quite

0:24:530:24:58

scruffy condition, would be worth a lot more than £15?

0:24:580:25:01

Yeah, but if you haven't got money, just a Nissan Micra, what are you going to do?

0:25:010:25:06

I don't suppose I'd eat out in restaurants that much.

0:25:060:25:10

Drive home and have some toast.

0:25:100:25:12

I couldn't drive home, I'd sold my car for some tapas.

0:25:120:25:16

Oh, yeah, good point.

0:25:160:25:18

-Did they accept the car in payment?

-Er, yes.

0:25:190:25:23

-How many of you were eating?

-Er, eight.

0:25:230:25:26

Eight of you sharing £15 worth of tapas?

0:25:260:25:29

-I ate £15 worth, we all had roughly, I suppose... I don't know.

-But you didn't offer...

0:25:290:25:34

You didn't offer the Nissan Micra for everyone's meal, you said,

0:25:340:25:37

"Well, I only had this, this and this, the Nissan Micra's only covering that"?

0:25:370:25:42

"You can pay for your own."

0:25:420:25:45

I mean, that might have been the time to be a little bit, you know,

0:25:460:25:50

little bit generous. "I am giving a car away here."

0:25:500:25:53

Did none of the others think that they might chip in to save your car?

0:25:530:25:57

Somebody did bail me out, so I had to pay them with my car,

0:25:570:26:01

that's all I had. They said...

0:26:010:26:03

So it was one of your friends that you gave the car to,

0:26:030:26:06

-not the proprietors of the restaurant?

-Obviously not, yeah.

0:26:060:26:10

I see. So one of your friends said, "I'll give you the 15 quid."

0:26:100:26:14

"I'll pay your share."

0:26:140:26:15

"But you can't owe it to me, you can't give it to me next week,

0:26:150:26:19

"I want something in exchange for it NOW."

0:26:190:26:22

You looked in your pocket, "I've got a handkerchief, my shirt. It'd be embarrassing to take my shirt off,

0:26:220:26:28

"it'll have to be the car."

0:26:280:26:29

I think what happened was she said, "I'll pay your share."

0:26:290:26:32

I said, "I've got nothing, I can give you my car."

0:26:320:26:34

I don't think it occurred to her to say, "Give me 15 quid next week."

0:26:340:26:38

"I'll take the car" is what she said.

0:26:380:26:39

-What was the value of the car?

-2,500 I paid for it.

0:26:390:26:42

And how long had you had it?

0:26:420:26:44

-And how long before the dinner?

-I lost £2,485 on the deal.

0:26:440:26:47

LAUGHTER

0:26:470:26:52

It was good tapas, it was nice. We had, um...

0:26:520:26:57

I had albondigas,

0:26:570:26:58

-I had croquettas, you know, croquettes.

-Don't patronise me.

0:26:580:27:02

LAUGHTER

0:27:020:27:05

And, um. And I had gambas a la plancha - grilled prawns.

0:27:050:27:09

No, no, no, no.

0:27:090:27:10

And then I threw in the floor mats for some patatas bravas.

0:27:100:27:14

David, what do you think? Is he telling the truth?

0:27:140:27:17

-I think not.

-Surely not.

0:27:170:27:21

But it's so sort of odd and weird and I think it's a lie.

0:27:210:27:24

-It's a lie.

-Yeah.

-They're all saying it's a lie.

0:27:240:27:26

OK, Rhod Gilbert, truth or lie?

0:27:260:27:30

It is a...

0:27:300:27:32

..true.

0:27:320:27:33

APPLAUSE

0:27:330:27:37

So, just to be clear, everything you just said was true?

0:27:390:27:42

-Every word of it.

-You are a moron!

0:27:420:27:45

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

0:27:450:27:46

BUZZER SOUNDS

0:27:460:27:48

And that noise signals time is up and it's the end of the show.

0:27:480:27:52

And I can tell you, well, what a shocker,

0:27:520:27:54

-Lee's team have won by six points to four.

-How did you do it?

0:27:540:27:58

APPLAUSE

0:27:580:28:01

But, of course, it's not just a team game,

0:28:010:28:05

and my individual liar of the week this week is Mackenzie Crook.

0:28:050:28:10

APPLAUSE

0:28:100:28:13

Yes, Mackenzie Crook - I suppose the clue was in the name.

0:28:140:28:17

never trust anyone called Mackenzie.

0:28:170:28:20

Good night.

0:28:200:28:21

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