Episode 6 Would I Lie to You?

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Good evening and welcome to Would I Lie To You,

the show that celebrates the dark art of the tall tale.

On David Mitchell's team tonight, he's spied on more birds than a teenage Russell Brand.

It's the comedian, naturalist and TV presenter, Bill Oddie.

APPLAUSE

And one of the country's best-loved comedians,

who's also had a number one hit in the charts.

Finally, someone I can relate to. It's Frank Skinner!

CHEERS AND APPLAUSE

And joining Lee Mack tonight,

a comedian who used to have a job in a call centre.

She says it wasn't that bad,

but the daily 17-hour commute to Mumbai was knackering.

Sarah Millican.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

And a comedian who trained as a chef but had to give it up

when he realised he wasn't a rude, cantankerous arse, Jon Richardson.

APPLAUSE

We start with Round 1, Home Truths.

Our panellists each read out a statement from the card in front of them.

To make things harder, they've never seen the card,

so they've no idea what they'll be faced with.

It's up to the opposing team to sort the truth from the lies and Sarah Millican is first tonight.

OK.

I once wet myself in a car and then blamed it on my friend's dog.

LAUGHTER

David.

Right. Um...

I mean, it's... I'm willing to believe it,

I'll say that at this point.

Why did you wet yourself in a car?

Cos I needed a wee in a car.

I've needed a wee in a car but I've never weed in a car.

I was once stuck in a very long line of traffic

trying to get on to the Severn Bridge on the M4

and I let myself go in a one litre bottle of Volvic.

I did that on the motorway and my problem was

I was really desperate

and I had a bottle of water and I had to drink the water.

My body was saying, "No! No more water!"

So, it was a it was a terrible, cyclical thing.

No sooner had I got it down, it was out again.

I didn't want to draw attention to myself,

cos people might pull up either side

and I'd clearly, by my facial expression, be urinating.

Oh, please show us that face.

So, this is obviously, just for everyone but me,

-a commonplace occurrence.

-Yes.

I don't, you know, basically lavatories are just for me.

What a great name for your autobiography.

APPLAUSE

Who did you blame the dog to, if you see what I mean?

To the mechanic when I took it in for a valet.

-So, so whose car was it?

-My car.

-Your car. You peed in the car?

-Yeah.

Were you in a... Was there a good reason for that?

Were you in a traffic jam after a large bottle of Evian?

I was... Well, just tap water probably.

I've never been in a car with a tap, so, you know.

-It's a very posh car.

-Oh, right.

-Yeah, I was stuck in...

It's so posh, it's plumbed in!

Literally got gangs of people following it with pipes.

To be fair, if it was plumbed in, I'd have probably had a toilet in there as well.

I've not done this, but is it... Cos women don't really have much control over where it's going,

but as a man, is it conceivable you could aim it out of the window?

You could, you could, but the speed you were going at

would mean that it would all come straight back in at you.

LAUGHTER

So when you got to this "mechanic", what did you say?

I mean, was the stain so clearly visible?

No, it had sunk right in.

Was he a bit confused that the dog was driving?

No, because it wasn't on the driver's seat.

You changed seats to have a wee?

That is dangerous.

You changed seats in a traffic jam,

-where you're in control of the vehicle.

-Yes.

You can't buy class, can you?

If I looked in a rear view mirror, I'd think that passenger

looks very, very content, considering there's no-one driving.

-So what are you thinking, David?

-What do you think, Frank?

I just think Sarah is the kind of strong, independent woman

who would step out of her car,

stride to the hard shoulder and just go...

-..and then and then do it.

-Yeah. Bill can you believe it?

-Yes, I think it happened.

-You think it's true and you think it's a lie.

I have to decide. Which I hate.

-I think, I think it's true.

-You think it's true?

-Yeah.

OK. So, in that case, Sarah, truth or lie?

It is, ah...

True.

APPLAUSE

-Well done, David.

-Now you listen to us in future.

Goodness me.

I was stuck in traffic for two and a half hours.

I was in absolute agony and thought it was the only way out,

and it was either that or rupture something,

so I just moved across, stripped,

weed, moved across, pulled back up, champion.

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

Well, there we are. And if you've been affected by any of the issues

raised on tonight's show...

-Frank.

-OK.

I was once driven to A&E in an ice-cream van.

In place of a siren, the driver turned on the musical chimes.

What happened to you that involved having to go to A&E?

Well, I was playing rounders.

I ran in between bases and I sort of went over on my ankle.

-And it was in Cornwall.

-Your ankle?

Yeah.

That's how far out of place it went.

Blimey!

So I was in, I mean, real, proper agony.

Like, honestly, I thought I was going to black out,

it hurt so much and somebody phoned an ambulance and...

..it probably was about 25 minutes and still no sign.

This bloke came over

from the ice-cream van and he said, "I'll take you to the hospital".

So they're trying to dial the emergency service?

Perhaps instead of dialling 999, they pressed 99.

APPLAUSE

It's easily done.

-So you've gone over on your ankle...

-Yeah.

..and the ice-cream man saw you from a distance?

-We didn't have a car. We got the train down, so no-one had a car.

-Right.

-So this bloke said...

And I was just...

The idea of getting to somewhere where they could just give me

a pain-killing injection would have been lovely.

Presumably you didn't get the siren straight away.

-No, it wasn't the siren, it was Greensleeves.

-Well, Greensleeves.

Did you give him some money for lost trade?

Oh, no.

Jon, when you've been a celebrity a bit longer,

you'll realise that money is no longer relevant.

-Whereabouts in Cornwall were you?

-I was in Truro.

I don't understand why you would put the siren on.

I think I did mention to him that I liked...

music from the Tudor period.

I also don't understand why you were in Truro,

cos if you didn't drive, you'd have got the fast service to Penzance.

The holiday was a combination of rail travel and taxis...

and a little bit of ice-cream van.

-So, time for a decision.

-What do we think?

-I'm not happy with it.

-Not happy with it?

-Not happy.

-Not having it?

-I think it's true.

I don't want to become Trevor Travel Planner, but if...

LAUGHTER

A rounders kit is something you take in the car boot, not on a train.

-OK, so you're saying it's true.

-I think it's true.

-Jon thinks it's a lie.

-Yeah.

-We'll say it's lie.

-You're saying it's a lie?

OK, Frank, truth or lie?

It is...

a lie.

APPLAUSE

Yes, it's a lie. Frank wasn't driven to A&E in an ice-cream van.

In fact, accidents involving ice-cream vans are incredibly rare,

yet always result in the tragic loss of hundreds and thousands.

Bill, you're next.

Right, OK.

I was saved from drowning

by a character from the children's show Rainbow.

-Wow.

-Surprising buoyant, your six-foot, felt-covered man.

We don't know he's felt-covered.

There was un-felt-covered men, too. People.

-Human beings, I think they're called.

-Geoffrey.

Don't give him names, don't help him!

Which character? If he says Geoffrey, I'll kill you!

-Freddy.

-Well, there was a Freddy.

-There was a Rod, Jane and Freddy.

-Rod, Jane and Freddy, yeah.

Yeah, he was the sexier of them.

-I always liked the pink hippo.

-Only one arm though.

-What?

-George and Zippy had one arm each.

Oh, yeah, they did, the other arm was in their mouth.

What are you saying?!

Sorry!

You say a lot of disgusting things on this show,

but now you've gone too far.

So, Freddy has saved you from a... What was it, a pond?

-From drowning. A pond?!

-It was in the sea.

-It was the ocean.

The ocean. OK, which ocean was it?

It was the...Indian Ocean.

Did you get the train there, I would like to know.

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

Now, the question I want to know is, is Fred from Rod, Jane and Freddy,

is he on holiday with you or is this an unbelievable coincidence?

It is actually an unbelievable coincidence.

-Did he recognised you?

-Yes, he did.

-Or did he know you already?

No, he did know me.

I hadn't met or anything like that but...

-No, but he was aware, he was aware.

-But he was aware that there was somebody in the sea,

some way off shore, waving as if to say, "I am drowning, I am drowning."

He probably thought you were doing the Funky Gibbon, didn't he?

It might have been pre-Funky Gibbon.

What year was it?

Wow. Surely human beings still lived in the sea then?

You're in the sea and then Rod, Jane and Freddy, or just Fred.

-Is he with Rod and Jane, by the way?

-He was with Jane.

Well, Jane and Freddy were a couple, weren't they?

-I think they still are a couple.

-Rod must have felt left out.

He was giving it to Zippy.

Did he cup you in the traditional...

-No, he didn't cup me!

-I don't mean...

-Oh.

Yes.

Well, I'm not suggesting he'd arrived and, "Before I save you..."

So I got pulled in backwards, yes, on my back, as it were.

-Onto the shore.

-Yes, back to the shore

-and it was about that...

-Well, it's obviously going to be

back to the shore. He's not going to take him further out!

He might have been intercepted by a life boat!

That was the angriest he has been in three series!

Don't come onto this show and soil the seats.

Too late!

So, Bill, he gets you back to the shore, was that it?

We then exchanged pleasantries

and said, "What the hell are you doing here?"

They were on holiday, we were on holiday, total coincidence.

My query would be this, and it's not train related, right?

If no one else but Freddy was around, how did you not know you were on holiday with Freddy?

It was a very small island.

I'll name drop it now, in the Seychelles.

Oooh! Bit of class.

-Will we all get free holidays in the Seychelles now you've said that?

-No, but I will.

I also think the Seychelles sound nice.

I've always adored the island of Mauritius.

If there's anybody watching from Alton Towers...

OK, Lee, time for your decision.

-What is your laser-like mind telling you?

-Me?

I think it's a lie, yeah.

Because I don't remember any episodes of Rainbow

that had Freddy swimming in them, so I'm not sure he could.

I think it's true, but I just have this really sad image

of lots of other people watching you drown

and Freddy going, "Well, I'll bloody get him, then!"

OK, Jon says it's true, Sarah says it's a lie.

-I'm going to say it's true.

-OK.

Very well. The answer is...

-it's true.

-No way!

Yes, it's true. Bill was saved from drowning by Freddy from Rainbow.

Our next round is called This Is My,

where we bring on a mystery guest

who has a close connection to a panellist, and this week

Lee's team will claim they have a connection to the guest,

and it's up to David's team to spot who's telling the truth.

So, please welcome our special guest, Cathy.

Welcome, Cathy. So, Jon, what is Cathy to you?

This is Cathy,

and we crashed into each other while we were both on our driving test.

Sarah, how do you know Cathy?

This is my friend Cathy.

We fooled the newspapers into reporting that

she'd been left under the spell of a hypnotist at a hen party.

-And, Lee, what about you?

-This is Cathy.

She's the hotel receptionist that I had to phone from my room

when I found a peacock in my hotel room.

So, there we have it. Jon's pranged motorist,

Sarah's newspaper prankster or Lee's peacock remover. David.

-Jon.

-Hi.

-Your driving test.

How did the crash happen, what manoeuvre were you attempting?

I was pulling out of a junction onto a carriageway,

but then I saw a car so I stopped, and she drove into the back of me.

-Basically, two driving tests in convoy, as it were.

-Yeah.

You do the same route from the same driving school,

don't you, when you go to get your exam?

Did you fail your test, Jon?

We both had to have our test annulled because of the accident.

Annulled?

That usually involves the Pope, doesn't it?

-When was this, Jon?

-I just had to renew my license, so 11 years ago.

11 years ago, OK. Cathy hasn't changed her number in 11 years.

She described it as weird, what had happened, and I remember thinking,

it wasn't weird, you hit me.

So, she said we should keep numbers, jokingly, and said,

"So that we don't get our test on the same day next time, LOL."

Did people say LOL 11 years ago?

-Yeah, it was just coming in, then.

-Right.

Before we even knew you could write it down.

Sarah, why did you...

What's the story here?

What...? What...?

-A disinterested policeman.

-I think you mean uninterested policeman.

-All good policemen are disinterested.

-Yes, good point.

Not an amusing point.

-But grammatically, an absolute belter.

-Yeah, yeah.

What's the difference...

What's the difference between... What does disinterested mean?

Disinterested means impartial. Uninterested means bored.

Well, I think I know which one the audience are.

Please continue.

So, Sarah, you fooled the newspapers about a hypnotist at a hen party.

Fooled the newspapers into reporting that she had fallen under a spell,

put under by the hypnotist at the hen party.

What was the nature of the spell? What did Cathy think she was?

She'd just burst into song as Madonna.

So, how did you then fool the paper? You just phoned them up?

Just phoned them up and told them and...

-They printed it.

-They came out and did a photo shoot, the local paper.

Did it end up in any national papers?

Yeah, most of the national papers.

-Seriously?

-Most?

-Yeah.

-Was Cathy photographed?

-Was she in the paper looking Madonna-esque?

-Yes, she was.

David, are you satisfied with your witness?

-FRANK:

-What about Lee?

Lee, you found a peacock in your hotel bedroom?

Yes, I found a peacock in my hotel room, yeah.

Did they have ornamental grounds?

They had some sort of ornamental grounds to a degree.

-They definitely had peacocks.

-Did you hear the peacock?

I woke up in the morning, it was ground floor and,

you know, like most blokes who sleep on their own in a hotel,

it can get a bit whiffy.

So, I opened the French doors that were in the room.

Oh, you opened the French doors.

I go into the swimming pool, which is very near my room.

I come back with a dressing gown on.

I walk in and there's a peacock in my room.

Did he do the thing with this tail?

He went like that, and I think his tail went up a little bit

and then he ran around a bit and then he got a bit flustered

and I tried to waft him out the door. I was a bit panicking.

I know it doesn't sound threatening, but it's one of those things

that in your room suddenly becomes terrifying.

-You've tried to waft the peacock out and then you ring reception, Cathy answers?

-Yes.

-What do you say?

-I said, this is a bit weird, but there's peacock in my room.

And she said, "Oh, yeah, they do that a lot," and she came round.

She sort of just...literally, was more assertive than me.

-She wafted it with more gumption.

-Stop saying waft. It was more masculine than that.

I said waft once and you haven't let it go, have you?

-She used the pillow, made a few noises.

-Yeah, to...

-And the peacock went out.

-The peacock went out

and then she shut the door for me. I was like, I could have done that.

It was a takeover bid by the peacocks to distract Cathy.

When she got back to reception, 50 peacocks there, "This is our hotel now."

I just think...

I just think a receptionist would phone someone else,

another member of staff to deal with it.

It wasn't a big five star hotel. It was a, sort of, you know...

I don't know what star it was,

but it was more casual, the hotel, than you're imagining.

No, peacocks are in very posh places and very formal places.

-Very rural places, generally.

-No!

-You don't farm peacocks.

-Yes, you do!

People do farm peacocks.

No, but... OK, yes.

The English countryside is covered in massive flocks of peacocks

because of all the peacock milk we endlessly drink.

It has to be all or nothing with you! They farm peacocks.

There's nothing more informal, laid back and basically hippyish than those hotels

with peacocks milling around,

in and out of the rooms, and the occasional panicky comedian

who won't join in, won't pal up with the peacocks.

Say waft, I know you want to.

-Tries to waft it out.

-Waft it out! Swine.

The only member of staff in the hotel has to come and make noises with a pillow.

And apologise to the peacock,

and say, "We won't let him stay here again, he is all stuck up."

So, we need an answer, David's team.

Is Cathy Jon's unfortunate learner driver,

Sarah's hypnotised hoaxer or Lee's receptionist to the rescue?

Well, if we take Cathy, though, as the core of this whole thing,

I think Cathy looks too alternative and cool

-to work in a small anonymous hotel.

-Do you know what I'd say to that?

Have you ever noticed you're talking to the receptionist,

and they seem one thing, and you see them in the local pub

later that night and they can be quite punky.

Right, David, decision time. What are you going to say?

Bill, what do you think?

I would think that it could be the peacock rescue.

I can see her doing all the moves for Madonna.

I can see her with three muscular black men behind her doing a synchronised dance.

So can she, by the look of it!

Well, I think it's Sarah's. I think it's the local paper scam.

-That's what you're going for?

-Yeah.

-OK.

Cathy, would you please reveal your true identity?

Hi, I'm Cathy, and together Sarah and I fooled the local papers

-with our fake hypnotism story.

-Go on!

Wow. It was in the national press.

It went in the Star and the Express,

but it was biggest news on the Shields Gazette

where it was front page news.

There it is. Thank you very much, Cathy.

Which brings us to Quickfire Lies,

where our panellists lie through their teeth and against the clock.

First off is...

it's Lee.

When I'm at home, I amuse myself by shaving only half my face

and doing that thing where you have a conversation between two people.

What are the characters of the shaved Lee, unshaven Lee?

I'll do a sailor because that suits the look of the longer beard.

-Could we have a little bit of sailor?

-"Looks like you've shaved half your beard off again."

Hang on, that doesn't make sense. It looks like he's got the complete beard.

No, no. He has got the beard and he's talking to the man who hasn't.

"You've shaved half your beard off."

-But the other person...

-The little boy goes,

"I couldn't help it, I had to, I was feeling a bit hairy."

But that doesn't make any sense, because the other one looks like

-he's completely shaved his beard.

-No, no, no, sorry.

I've shaved half the beard.

The one with the beard is the sailor with the beard.

-Going, "Looks like you've..."

-Meaning him.

-"..half your beard."

To the other one who is then going, "Yes, I did shave it half off."

But it doesn't look like they've shaved half of it off...

-It looks like they've shaved it all off.

-No, no, no, no!

"I've shaved it all off, you stupid bastard!"

OK. Man with half a beard. "You look like you've shaved..."

No! No, the character you're playing is a man with a full beard!

-Let me finish!

-OK.

"Looks like you've shaved half your beard off."

-OK.

-"Yes, I had to, but you should see the other side, look, it's still there."

And then the other fellow goes, "I'm just as bad as you. Look, clean-shaven."

-No, no, no, no, no, no!

-If you'd let the story finish...

Why did you say "half" in the first remark?

He didn't say half.

It should be, "Shaved your whole beard off." And he goes,

"Yes, yes, but let me show you more fully." Like you did...

-DAVID CONTINUES TO RANT

-I didn't say it like a rent boy!

"..coincidence, because I too am a cock!"

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

Do you know what? The kids just laugh and clap.

Right, David, time for a decision.

-Well, I think we think it's lie.

-I think so, yes.

-Yeah, definitely a lie.

-Lie.

-Lie, OK.

Lee, is it the truth or were you telling a lie?

It is, in fact, true.

Yes, it's true.

Lee does amuse himself by shaving only half of his face

and pretending to have a conversation between two people.

Jon.

-Possession.

-Right, there's a box under your desk, Jon,

would you bring the box up, please?

This is the emergency kit that I keep in my car at all times.

-OK.

-Well, not at all times, obviously.

It's here.

Lie!

-BILL:

-Next!

Jon, will you take it out of the box and put it on the desk, there?

It would have been brilliant if he'd have taken his car out of there.

Can we investigate it?

-Do you want to?

-I'd quite like to. I'll be very careful with it.

Are you going to bring it back?

Yeah. I'll be careful. There we go, thank you.

Oh, I've never given another man my box before.

-OK.

-I have, it's quite nice.

There's a mug, spotted mug.

Yeah, well spotted.

Here's Options, Belgian Chocolate.

Bill, be careful, that's his mother's ashes.

-SARAH:

-Ah, chocolaty ashes.

And, here, a little bottle of....

-Some red wine.

-Can I just say, this is like

the most boring version of the Generation Game?

Or the best Ready Steady Cook ever.

It's sort of a post-nuclear Deal Or No Deal.

Right, OK, so take us through why you've got these items.

Well, I'm on the road a lot and I like food and alcohol,

so I make sure I have some in case I have an unexpected overnight stay.

I love how seriously Bill and Frank are studying the products.

This has got a very curious marking on it.

There's a circle and a pregnant woman and a line going across it.

What's that got to do...?

That suggests to me that they don't advise that pregnant women drink.

It's hardly hieroglyphics, Bill, is it?

I tell you what, if I'd found this in a car,

I'd assume it was the flight recorder.

-David, time to guess.

-I think it's nonsense, are we happy to say that?

-Yeah, yeah.

-A lie, OK.

Jon, were you telling the truth or were you telling a lie?

It is...

true.

And I should say, if you're thinking of compiling an emergency car kit of your own,

both Would I Lie to You and the BBC would like to point out

-that other brands are available.

-CHEESY MUZAK PLAYS

BUZZER

And that noise signals time is up,

and I can reveal that tonight's winners,

by a massive seven points to three, Lee's team.

APPLAUSE

But, of course, it's not just a team game

and my individual liar of the week is Sarah Millican.

Yes, Sarah Millican.

Sarah hasn't lied so much since her first day on Loose Women

when she told her co-hosts, "Honestly, I can't smell gin." Goodnight!

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