Episode 5 Would I Lie to You?


Episode 5

In this episode, David is joined by Greg Davies and Konnie Huq, while Lee Mack is joined by Phil Tufnell and Marcus Brigstocke.


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Transcript


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Oh, yes!

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Good evening and welcome to Would I Lie To You,

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the show that celebrates the art of lying.

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On Lee Mack's team tonight, the England star who once beat Wayne Sleep.

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Luckily, it was in I'm A Celebrity and not with a cricket bat. It's Phil Tufnell!

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And a splendid comedian who likes to satirise the great and the good,

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so it'll be nice for him to have a night off and mix with us lot.

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It's Marcus Brigstocke.

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And joining David Mitchell tonight, an actor and comedian, who during his

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13 years as a drama teacher said he found his pupils inspirational.

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They inspired him to leave teaching and become a comedian. Greg Davies!

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And, as one of the longest serving presenters on Blue Peter, she became

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an expert at explaining things in a way that a child could understand.

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Excellent training for sitting opposite Lee this evening. It's Konnie Huq.

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Right, we start with round one,

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which is Home Truths, where our panellists each read out a statement from a card.

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They've never seen the card before, so they've no idea what they'll be faced with.

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It's up to the opposing team to sort the truth from the lies and, Greg, you are first.

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- Am I? - You are, yes.

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For my first term at university,

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I rented the bathroom in a student house and slept in the bathtub every night.

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-Lee.

-Greg.

-Yes?

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Before we even start this, can you stand up?

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Unless David stands up with me, there'll be no perspective.

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David? In fact, let's have proper perspective. Konnie, can you stand up?

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You know the question.

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-Yeah.

-What's the answer?

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Well, I just hung off the end of the bath, as I'd hang off every single bed that I've ever slept in. It's...

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No, no, no, no, no! You definitely don't hang off a bath like you hang off a bed.

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Because a bed goes like that and then you hang off. You'd have to go up, across and hang off.

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You're tall, but you're not a snake, Greg.

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The thing that actually drove me to change my circumstances was that I was genuinely

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bruising the side of my cheek regularly by waking up in the morning and clanging into one of the taps.

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Can I ask why on Earth you would sleep with your head at the tap end?

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That is mad.

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Yes, well, you know, I was 18 years of age and I mainly lived off

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Thunderbird wine, so bad decisions were my forte at that period.

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-Did you have a bed in the house?

-No.

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-So that was the reason you were in the bath.

-There was a...

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Well, why do you think he was in the bath?

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I chose to, Phil, yeah.

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How many other people were there in the flat?

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-Three.

-Three people. What, three beds?

-Yeah.

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Why would you not sleep on the floor next to the bath?

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We had a giant 1970s sofa

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that had a peculiar corner unit and I took

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both cushions from that corner unit and they fitted in the bath perfectly

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and it was incredibly comfortable.

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-It wasn't a free standing bath?

-A roll top.

-Yeah, was it a roll top, free standing bath?

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It wasn't a free standing bath, but the end of the bath projected out into the room.

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Where was this, Greg? Which town where you? Was this Oxford or Cambridge?

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It was in Isleworth, in West London.

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It was only because of a mix-up in housing agreements.

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We soon sorted it out after a term. I only had to do it for a term.

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What was the mix-up?

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I'd agreed to move in with these three guys and we got the wrong size house.

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Hang on, that's not a mix-up, that's just stupidity.

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There was four of you and you got a three bedroom house and went,

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"There's been a bit of a mix-up here".

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The boys blamed me, which is why I got the bath.

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-Why did they blame you?

-I was the one who booked the house.

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How did you get into university?

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LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

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-So, Lee, what are you thinking?

-Marcus?

-I think it's too preposterous to be true.

-Mm.

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The taps. The taps for me. If you're going to sleep in a bath, you don't put your head up the tap end.

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I think it might be true, but I'm not going to over...

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-You've got the armband, son.

-I might be the skip...

-Do you get armbands if you're a captain?

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Only if you can't swim.

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I'm telling you - I don't know if this is in the spirit of this game - this is true.

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That was sufficiently moving.

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I'm going with it, I'm saying it's true now.

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-What are you saying, Skippy?

-Shall we say true?

-True, yeah.

-Not Skippy, Rob.

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I'm not going to go and fetch help, I'm the skip.

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Someone's fallen into a mine shaft?

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-Go on, mate.

-We'll change it to true. We're going for true.

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Greg Davies, were you telling us the truth or were you telling a lie?

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Do you feel, David, any sense of genuine competition in this game?

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-Yes, I do, yeah.

-Then I think you're going to like me very much. It was a lie.

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Yes, it was a lie.

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Greg didn't sleep in his bathtub every night for his first term at university.

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-Right, Phil Tufnell.

-Yes.

-You're next.

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Right. OK.

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I'm haunted by a recurring dream in which I'm a potato.

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-David?

-OK. How does...

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How does the dreaming realisation that you're a potato manifest itself?

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I'm being chased.

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Oh, right! Oh, yeah. Of course, potatoes get chased all the time.

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I'm being chased by a pitchfork.

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-How do you know you're a potato?

-(DAVID) Because you can't move.

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No, no I can. It's like Mr Potato Head.

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I wear a little trilby hat, little legs and I'm running along the garden like that

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with a pitchfork trying to poke me. And I'm sort of climbing up trees and things

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and the pitchfork's sort of going for me.

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-Has it ever caught you?

-No, it has never caught me yet.

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And then, just as it is going to catch me, I think I wake up.

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What do you think the pitchfork wants to do?

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Is it attempting to harvest you?

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-It's a family show.

-I think all the...

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It's heavy with symbolism, David, isn't it?

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I mean, the sturdy steel of the pitchfork, the soft, pliant flesh of the potato.

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I'm getting a little worked up just thinking about it, to be honest with you.

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He didn't say it was boiled, did he?

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-I think it's baked.

-Oh, it is baked.

-Baked potato.

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So you're a baked potato?

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I think I'm a baked...

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What are you doing in the garden, then?

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How long have you had this dream?

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-I've had it...

-He only has it when he's mashed.

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Yeah, I have it quite a bit, actually, you know?

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It's quite at the forefront of my dreams.

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I'm just sitting listening to you. You could be related to Len Goodman from Strictly Come Dancing.

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-Could you just say for me...

-Seven!

-Look at that, yeah.

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"Your Paso Doble was lovely, I liked it, it was good.

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"You're a bit over there, but you were trying hard, I'm going to give you six."

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I'm doing Len Goodman off Strictly Come Dancing. What do you think, David?

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-Well, it's possible, isn't it? What do you think?

-I'm not convinced.

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I think it's, without question, a lie, because when he was asked

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how the potato was moving, I actually saw Phil's brain working

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to think of the Mr Potato Head.

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Yeah. It is true that lots of people have dreams where they're being sort of chased,

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that's quite a natural thing.

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Yes, but generally, they haven't become a root vegetable.

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You think it could be true, don't you?

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My brain is shot by this game. I think anything could be true.

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-I am so sure it's a lie.

-Well, we're going to say it's a lie, then.

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So, you're going to say it's a lie. OK. Phil Tufnell, were you telling the truth or were you lying?

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I was telling...

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No!

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It's true.

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Phil is haunted by a recurring dream in which he is a potato.

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There's a technical term for Phil Tufnell turning into a potato.

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It's called evolution.

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That's not very nice.

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And our next round is called This Is My, where we bring

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on a mystery guest who has a close connection to one of our panellists.

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This week, each of David's team will claim it's them that has the genuine connection to the guest and it's up

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to Lee's team to spot who's telling the truth. So, please welcome this week's special guest, Ian.

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APPLAUSE

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-Right, Konnie.

-Sorry, even before we start I can tell you now, lads, this man does not know David Mitchell.

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Konnie, what is Ian to you?

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This is Ian. When he brought his lizards onto Blue Peter, one of them went missing.

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Later that evening, I found it in my handbag.

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All right. David, what's your connection?

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This is Ian. I sat next to him on a plane and he had such a fear

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of flying that I had to hold his hand throughout take-off and landing.

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It turns out David Mitchell might know this man really, really well.

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Greg, how do you know Ian?

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This is my friend, Ian. One night, after getting drunk together,

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he was wrongly arrested on suspicion of murder.

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Greg, keep it light!

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Konnie's lizard loser, David's terrified passenger

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or Greg's falsely accused friend. Where do you want to start?

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So, Ian here brought lizards to a flagship BBC children's programme

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and left going, "Well, you know, you don't always go home with the same number of lizards..."

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The great thing with Blue Peter is if you lose an animal there,

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they'll make up a name for it. What type of lizard?

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Well, there was a selection of lizards.

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He brought in about eight or ten lizards, and there were chameleons.

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-And what? Did one of them change its colour to the same as your handbag?

-Yes.

-Hence getting lost?

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-It wasn't a chameleon.

-It was a lizard.

-What was it?

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-It was a lizard.

-What was your handbag made of?

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The handbag was made of snake. No, it wasn't!

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Whereabouts were you at Blue Peter when you found the lizard in the end?

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-No, I wasn't, I was actually in my car and my handbag was on the passenger seat.

-Yeah.

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So you open your bag to get some money out?

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I was in the multi storey car park and I'd stopped and I just wanted to check that I had my phone.

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-Right, OK.

-And then I was, like...

-So, you opened it and did you go, "Er, hello, hello?

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"Hello?"

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I had the theory that someone put it in as a joke, but I don't know and I've not...

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Oh, the wacky days of Blue Peter.

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Hilarious!

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I don't know if it's in the spirit of this game, but it really is true.

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They've done it again.

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-I'd like to say I'm not stupid enough to fall for this again.

-I am.

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OK, right. David?

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-Yes?

-Just remind us again of your implausible story.

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Well, I was on a plane next to Ian

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and his fear of flying was such that I had to hold his hand during take-off and landing.

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And where were you going from and to?

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I was going from Gatwick to...

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That's an airport. Think of another one now.

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Corsica.

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Gatwick to Corsica.

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And what did he say? Was there any,

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for want of a better word, foreplay, or did he go straight for the hand?

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On take-off, he just suddenly... he started...

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-What?

-He started sort of making agitated noises.

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Please, please, can you do the demonstration of the... I think we all want to see his agitated noises.

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-No!

-Go on!

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As I remember it, it was just sort of "Ahh!".

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Are you sure that wasn't the engine, David?

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Yes. Yes, Lee, I'm sure it wasn't the engine.

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-So, basically, he's sounding agitated...

-Yeah.

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-Has he grabbed your hand?

-Then he grabs my hand.

-Oh, no talking?

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-There's no, "D'you mind if I..."?

-Not at that point, no.

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You slag, David Mitchell.

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And what did you say, "Do you mind? "I'm a married woman"? I mean, what did you do?

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I don't think I said anything.

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You know why he's grabbed your hand, do you?

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Well, I assumed it was... I didn't think it was sexual attraction.

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-Right.

-But it's very sweet of you to leap to that conclusion.

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-Did either of you have fellow travellers with you?

-No.

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-No, we were...

-You were both just flying to Corsica to see what might happen.

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See who you meet on the plane, maybe.

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And this happened again when you came in for landing?

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After it levelled off,

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it became fully airborne...

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LAUGHTER

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It sounds like a virus.

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..he then sort of apologised and said, "I'm really sorry...

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" freak out sometimes on a plane".

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And I said, "Oh, you know, not to worry".

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I bet THAT calmed him down(!)

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I once stroked a girl's back while we were having a very difficult re-entry over...

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Not now.

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We were coming into Heathrow and I didn't know her and she was crying,

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and I just reached out and just stroked her back and held her hand.

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There was a reason why she was crying, wasn't there, Rob?

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The madman behind was stroking her back.

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I wasn't behind her, I was going, "Hey it's OK. This is just turbulence.

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"This is nothing, honestly.

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"This is normal, really. This... Bloody hell, whoa!".

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And she was quietly sobbing.

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I mean, it was quite... I'm BAFTA nominated, I should point that out.

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-So, these things do happen.

-Yes, there's definitely people get nervous on flights.

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I think we have to deal with Greg's story.

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Go on, Greg, let's have it.

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I got drunk with Ian,

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and later he was arrested wrongly on suspicion of murder.

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And thank God that bit's in.

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So, what happened?

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Well, I wasn't really part of it because we both passed out.

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It was a college ball

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and we all drank vast amounts, particularly Ian and I drank a ridiculous amount

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and then both collapsed.

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The last thing I remember is Ian falling down and him obviously being horribly hurt.

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-And I woke up on a carpet and ran...

-So, nice change from the bath.

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I ran upstairs and he was sitting up in his bed,

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honestly, looking... His face was swollen like a pumpkin.

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And then he told me that that night when he'd been stumbling about drunk,

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he'd been arrested for murder because someone with a similar facial wound

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had murdered someone in the town.

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-Someone with a similar... Oh, so the facial wound from falling...

-Yeah.

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And someone with a similar facial wound had murdered somebody else?

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-Yeah.

-That's unlucky.

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Where was this?

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How did they know he wasn't the murderer?

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What was the defining point in the interview?

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He told me that they had questioned him for hours and, eventually,

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he said to the police, and I think this is a quote,

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"I'll be honest with you, lads, I could well have done it".

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LAUGHTER

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And yet, they still let him out before you'd woken up.

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It upsets me to think that police respond to double bluffs like that.

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And, just to be clear, it was proven at the end that he had absolutely nothing to do with it.

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-Correct.

-Obviously, otherwise he wouldn't be here.

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We never established just why David was going to Corsica.

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-On his own.

-Was it Club 18 to 30 again?

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No, it was a holiday.

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I was going on holiday with a group of friends,

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but I could only go a day after everyone else.

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They made those rules, did they?

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LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

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So, Lee's team,

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is Ian Konnie's reptile wrangler,

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David's frightened flyer,

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or Greg's suspicious friend? Which one are you going for?

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-What do we think, Phil?

-I quite like Konnie.

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Well, we all do.

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-Well, there you go.

-Focus, Phil!

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No, I can imagine a bit of Blue Peter, he looks like a chap

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who might keep lizards, I don't know why.

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I'm slightly leaning towards Greg, only because I don't believe David.

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I'm inclined to think that Konnie's story is true.

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Oh, go on, then. Konnie, if you've suckered these two idiots into it, I'll go along with that.

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Ian, would you like to reveal to us your true identity?

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My name is Ian, whilst at college with Greg Davies, we got very drunk one night

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and I was wrongly arrested on suspicion of murder.

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APPLAUSE

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When I went up in the morning he was sitting upright in bed and his head was three times its natural size,

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and I went, "Oh, my God, mate! Are you all right?". And he looked at me

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like this...and went, "We've gone too far this time, mate".

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-Thank you very much, Ian.

-Thank you.

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Which brings us to our final round, Quickfire Lies, in which our panellists

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lie not only through their teeth, but against the clock. We will start with...

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..Lee, yes.

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I once had to show my boss an intimate area of my body

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to prove why I was late for work.

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OK!

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Which part of your body and why did that prove that you were late for work?

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It was my, er... Well, I think we all know what I'm talking about.

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-I don't!

-No.

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Well, let's call it Mr Weewee.

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You actually had to show it to him?

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-Well, I didn't have... He didn't say...

-You elected to.

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He didn't say,

0:19:460:19:47

"Prove it, get it out", but I could tell he was doubting me.

0:19:470:19:50

-I said, "Honestly, look!", and I got it out.

-So, what was...?

0:19:500:19:54

-What was the...?

-That's the bit they're all waiting for, David.

0:19:540:19:57

-What did it prove?

-Mr Weewee had banged his head.

-What on?

0:19:570:20:02

-"What on?", is a good question.

-Ceiling.

0:20:020:20:06

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

0:20:060:20:09

Yeah, basically, I was lying in bed

0:20:130:20:17

and I was naked,

0:20:170:20:20

and I think there was a tiny, little bit of glass in the bed.

0:20:200:20:24

And it just wouldn't stop bleeding. So, I had to get some tissue paper.

0:20:240:20:28

I wrapped it round quite a lot and, I can't lie, it ended up looking like Mr Bump.

0:20:280:20:34

It was blue?

0:20:340:20:36

It was...

0:20:360:20:37

I just put lots of it on, and then I just told him the truth.

0:20:390:20:42

"Sorry I'm late, there was an incident".

0:20:420:20:44

I told him, he went...as if to say, "You're not telling the truth".

0:20:440:20:47

I said, "Do you want to see it?", whizzed it out, he went, "Oh, it's Mr Bump".

0:20:470:20:51

Every time someone raises their eyebrows at you, your instinct is to get your penis out?

0:20:510:20:57

Stop it, Greg! Stop it! You know I can't help myself!

0:20:590:21:01

Stop it!

0:21:010:21:03

-He made you show it?

-No, he didn't make me. He never, at any point, made me do it.

0:21:030:21:07

No, all he did was give you the sign.

0:21:070:21:11

Stop it, Greg.

0:21:120:21:14

You were in no position to deploy it.

0:21:140:21:16

He was quite well covered. It was full of bandaged tissue paper.

0:21:160:21:20

So, it was it was easy to get it out and keep my dignity. In fact,

0:21:200:21:25

I was quite proud of it. It was like this! I was like, "Do you want to have a look at it, mate?

0:21:250:21:29

"There it is.

0:21:290:21:31

"Wrap your eyes round that little beauty, eh?

0:21:310:21:35

"Mr Bump's fainted, get used to it".

0:21:350:21:38

David, what do you think, is he telling the truth? Let's have a decision.

0:21:380:21:42

-Konnie?

-Well, I could weirdly believe it.

0:21:420:21:46

Yes, I could believe.

0:21:460:21:47

-I mean, it's a very extreme story to have made up.

-It's too much so it must be true.

0:21:470:21:53

-Yeah.

-You're saying true?

-Yeah, we're saying true.

0:21:530:21:57

-You're saying true. OK, Lee, truth or lie?

-It is, in fact, true.

0:21:570:22:01

Yes, it's true. Lee went on to a successful career in entertainment,

0:22:070:22:10

while his boss went on to anti depressants and a course of trauma therapy. Next...

0:22:100:22:16

it's David.

0:22:160:22:17

I recently bought a cat,

0:22:200:22:22

but took it back a day later because our personalities clashed.

0:22:220:22:26

Once again, David is mixing up the words "cat" and "wife".

0:22:320:22:36

What was the matter with his personality? What did you clash on?

0:22:380:22:41

Well, the use of claws.

0:22:410:22:44

He didn't like that, did he?

0:22:440:22:46

What was he scratching?

0:22:480:22:50

Scratching? Well, slightly me,

0:22:500:22:52

but also furniture quite vigorously.

0:22:520:22:56

-Scratching your furniture.

-Yeah. There was a sort of corner of a sofa

0:22:560:23:00

and a corner of a table.

0:23:000:23:03

-Corners.

-Always corners.

0:23:030:23:05

Was he a kitten when you got him?

0:23:050:23:09

No, I think sort of about...two.

0:23:090:23:13

-Two years old.

-That's quite...

-Why did you buy a two-year-old cat rather than a kitten?

0:23:130:23:18

Well, it, it came from Battersea Cats and Dogs Home,

0:23:180:23:22

which I thought that's quite a responsible place to source a pet,

0:23:220:23:27

-rather than, you know...

-Did you pay for the cat?

0:23:270:23:30

-No. Well, it was just sort of, you know, you home it.

-You home it?

-You give it a home.

-Oh, I see.

0:23:300:23:37

-It was a homing cat.

-Oh, I thought you meant you threw it out of the window like a pigeon.

0:23:370:23:42

I've rehomed a cat.

0:23:420:23:44

Did they come round and have a look at where he was going to stay?

0:23:440:23:48

-No.

-Didn't they?

0:23:480:23:50

-No. They did with mine.

-Yeah, well, that's your history, Phil.

0:23:500:23:55

That's just you.

0:23:550:23:57

What colour was it? What kind of style was it?

0:23:570:24:00

Style! What sort of...

0:24:000:24:03

Art Deco.

0:24:030:24:07

What sort of breed was it?

0:24:070:24:10

It was tortoiseshell with a sort of...the odd blotch.

0:24:100:24:14

-You took it back after one day?

-Yes.

0:24:140:24:16

How long was it in your house before you went, "Oh, this is rubbish?

0:24:160:24:20

"This is going back."?

0:24:200:24:22

I was suspicious after as little as an hour.

0:24:220:24:26

I was despondent after six hours.

0:24:260:24:29

After eight hours, I was decided.

0:24:290:24:33

So, what are you going to say then, truth or lie?

0:24:330:24:36

-Lie for me.

-What do you say, Marcus?

-Oh, I don't know, I'm confused. A lie, then.

-I'll say lie, then.

0:24:360:24:41

-You're going to say lie. OK, David, truth or lie?

-It is a lie.

0:24:410:24:45

Yes, it's a lie. David didn't buy a cat and then return it a day later because their personalities clashed.

0:24:490:24:54

Aloof, rather prickly and temperamental and hard to befriend, David still doesn't have a cat.

0:24:540:24:59

Next...

0:24:590:25:01

and it's Greg.

0:25:010:25:04

I used to try and scare school friends by planting

0:25:060:25:09

a particular drawing in their pockets, signifying death.

0:25:090:25:13

Lee, what do you think?

0:25:130:25:16

-What was the drawing?

-It was an owl.

0:25:160:25:19

Ah, the owl of death.

0:25:210:25:23

-Its full title was actually the hoot owl death sign.

-Oh.

0:25:230:25:27

-What do you mean the owl of death? What was it doing in this drawing?

-Hoot owl death sign.

0:25:270:25:32

-That old chestnut.

-I could draw it for you, if you like.

0:25:320:25:35

Greg, I've got a pen and paper. I'll come there.

0:25:350:25:38

No, I'll come to you. Don't stand up next to me, it just highlights it.

0:25:380:25:41

Greg, can you...

0:25:440:25:45

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

0:25:450:25:49

So, please, draw the owl of death.

0:25:500:25:53

So...

0:25:530:25:55

Don't look at it, David, you'll die.

0:25:590:26:01

Oh, my God! Blimey.

0:26:050:26:07

Oh!

0:26:090:26:11

Oh, please put it away!

0:26:110:26:13

Just imagine, you're innocently, in your pocket,

0:26:130:26:17

minding your own business, and you go, "Oh, what's this in my..."

0:26:170:26:21

Oh, no it's the owl of death!

0:26:220:26:25

Your friends would find that in their pocket and be...

0:26:250:26:29

Not my friends, my deadly enemies.

0:26:290:26:31

What would be the purpose of that?

0:26:310:26:34

It would serve for people who had crossed my friend and I.

0:26:340:26:37

-What kind of things would they have to do to cross you?

-There was an English teacher who

0:26:370:26:41

we found a bit boring, so we slipped one in his pocket.

0:26:410:26:45

That was the highlight of the whole campaign actually -

0:26:450:26:48

the English teacher once stood up in front of class,

0:26:480:26:52

was chatting away and went into his pocket and went, "Oh..."

0:26:520:26:56

And he went, "Sorry, everyone. Does anyone know anything about this, because I've just..."

0:27:000:27:05

Was the purpose of it to scare them?

0:27:050:27:07

Like, you would tell them later on it was your, or...?

0:27:070:27:10

No, no, of course not, we were both nerdy cowards.

0:27:100:27:14

You created a sort of mythology around what might happen

0:27:140:27:18

if you found the hoot owl of death in your pocket?

0:27:180:27:21

In our minds, anyone who found the hoot owl of death in their pocket

0:27:210:27:24

would very shortly afterwards meet their demise.

0:27:240:27:29

Time to take a guess. What are you going to say?

0:27:330:27:36

-Phil, do you think that is possible?

-I think it's possible,

0:27:360:27:39

-but I think it's a lie.

-I think it's a lie.

-OK.

0:27:390:27:42

-You say lie, you say lie, what about you, Lee?

-I say lie.

0:27:420:27:46

Right, Greg, truth or lie?

0:27:460:27:48

Well, it would be pretty tragic if two boys had spent their youth doing that, wouldn't it?

0:27:480:27:53

And it is indeed true.

0:27:530:27:54

Yes, it's true, Greg did try and scare school friends

0:27:590:28:03

by planting a particular drawing in their pockets, signifying death. BUZZER

0:28:030:28:07

Well, that noise signals time is up and it's the end of the show -

0:28:070:28:10

I can reveal that David's team are the victors by seven points to three.

0:28:100:28:15

APPLAUSE

0:28:150:28:18

But, of course, it's not just a team game.

0:28:180:28:20

My individual liar of the week is Greg Davies.

0:28:200:28:23

Yes, Greg Davies, whose stories were so tall, some of them almost came up to his shoulder. Good night.

0:28:290:28:34

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0:28:490:28:52

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0:28:520:28:55

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