Episode 5 Would I Lie to You?

Oh, yes!

Good evening and welcome to Would I Lie To You,

the show that celebrates the art of lying.

On Lee Mack's team tonight, the England star who once beat Wayne Sleep.

Luckily, it was in I'm A Celebrity and not with a cricket bat. It's Phil Tufnell!

And a splendid comedian who likes to satirise the great and the good,

so it'll be nice for him to have a night off and mix with us lot.

It's Marcus Brigstocke.

And joining David Mitchell tonight, an actor and comedian, who during his

13 years as a drama teacher said he found his pupils inspirational.

They inspired him to leave teaching and become a comedian. Greg Davies!

And, as one of the longest serving presenters on Blue Peter, she became

an expert at explaining things in a way that a child could understand.

Excellent training for sitting opposite Lee this evening. It's Konnie Huq.

Right, we start with round one,

which is Home Truths, where our panellists each read out a statement from a card.

They've never seen the card before, so they've no idea what they'll be faced with.

It's up to the opposing team to sort the truth from the lies and, Greg, you are first.

- Am I? - You are, yes.

For my first term at university,

I rented the bathroom in a student house and slept in the bathtub every night.

-Lee.

-Greg.

-Yes?

Before we even start this, can you stand up?

Unless David stands up with me, there'll be no perspective.

David? In fact, let's have proper perspective. Konnie, can you stand up?

You know the question.

-Yeah.

-What's the answer?

Well, I just hung off the end of the bath, as I'd hang off every single bed that I've ever slept in. It's...

No, no, no, no, no! You definitely don't hang off a bath like you hang off a bed.

Because a bed goes like that and then you hang off. You'd have to go up, across and hang off.

You're tall, but you're not a snake, Greg.

The thing that actually drove me to change my circumstances was that I was genuinely

bruising the side of my cheek regularly by waking up in the morning and clanging into one of the taps.

Can I ask why on Earth you would sleep with your head at the tap end?

That is mad.

Yes, well, you know, I was 18 years of age and I mainly lived off

Thunderbird wine, so bad decisions were my forte at that period.

-Did you have a bed in the house?

-No.

-So that was the reason you were in the bath.

-There was a...

Well, why do you think he was in the bath?

I chose to, Phil, yeah.

How many other people were there in the flat?

-Three.

-Three people. What, three beds?

-Yeah.

Why would you not sleep on the floor next to the bath?

We had a giant 1970s sofa

that had a peculiar corner unit and I took

both cushions from that corner unit and they fitted in the bath perfectly

and it was incredibly comfortable.

-It wasn't a free standing bath?

-A roll top.

-Yeah, was it a roll top, free standing bath?

It wasn't a free standing bath, but the end of the bath projected out into the room.

Where was this, Greg? Which town where you? Was this Oxford or Cambridge?

It was in Isleworth, in West London.

It was only because of a mix-up in housing agreements.

We soon sorted it out after a term. I only had to do it for a term.

What was the mix-up?

I'd agreed to move in with these three guys and we got the wrong size house.

Hang on, that's not a mix-up, that's just stupidity.

There was four of you and you got a three bedroom house and went,

"There's been a bit of a mix-up here".

The boys blamed me, which is why I got the bath.

-Why did they blame you?

-I was the one who booked the house.

How did you get into university?

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

-So, Lee, what are you thinking?

-Marcus?

-I think it's too preposterous to be true.

-Mm.

The taps. The taps for me. If you're going to sleep in a bath, you don't put your head up the tap end.

I think it might be true, but I'm not going to over...

-You've got the armband, son.

-I might be the skip...

-Do you get armbands if you're a captain?

Only if you can't swim.

I'm telling you - I don't know if this is in the spirit of this game - this is true.

That was sufficiently moving.

I'm going with it, I'm saying it's true now.

-What are you saying, Skippy?

-Shall we say true?

-True, yeah.

-Not Skippy, Rob.

I'm not going to go and fetch help, I'm the skip.

Someone's fallen into a mine shaft?

-Go on, mate.

-We'll change it to true. We're going for true.

Greg Davies, were you telling us the truth or were you telling a lie?

Do you feel, David, any sense of genuine competition in this game?

-Yes, I do, yeah.

-Then I think you're going to like me very much. It was a lie.

Yes, it was a lie.

Greg didn't sleep in his bathtub every night for his first term at university.

-Right, Phil Tufnell.

-Yes.

-You're next.

Right. OK.

I'm haunted by a recurring dream in which I'm a potato.

-David?

-OK. How does...

How does the dreaming realisation that you're a potato manifest itself?

I'm being chased.

Oh, right! Oh, yeah. Of course, potatoes get chased all the time.

I'm being chased by a pitchfork.

-How do you know you're a potato?

-(DAVID) Because you can't move.

No, no I can. It's like Mr Potato Head.

I wear a little trilby hat, little legs and I'm running along the garden like that

with a pitchfork trying to poke me. And I'm sort of climbing up trees and things

and the pitchfork's sort of going for me.

-Has it ever caught you?

-No, it has never caught me yet.

And then, just as it is going to catch me, I think I wake up.

What do you think the pitchfork wants to do?

Is it attempting to harvest you?

-It's a family show.

-I think all the...

It's heavy with symbolism, David, isn't it?

I mean, the sturdy steel of the pitchfork, the soft, pliant flesh of the potato.

I'm getting a little worked up just thinking about it, to be honest with you.

He didn't say it was boiled, did he?

-I think it's baked.

-Oh, it is baked.

-Baked potato.

So you're a baked potato?

I think I'm a baked...

What are you doing in the garden, then?

How long have you had this dream?

-I've had it...

-He only has it when he's mashed.

Yeah, I have it quite a bit, actually, you know?

It's quite at the forefront of my dreams.

I'm just sitting listening to you. You could be related to Len Goodman from Strictly Come Dancing.

-Could you just say for me...

-Seven!

-Look at that, yeah.

"Your Paso Doble was lovely, I liked it, it was good.

"You're a bit over there, but you were trying hard, I'm going to give you six."

I'm doing Len Goodman off Strictly Come Dancing. What do you think, David?

-Well, it's possible, isn't it? What do you think?

-I'm not convinced.

I think it's, without question, a lie, because when he was asked

how the potato was moving, I actually saw Phil's brain working

to think of the Mr Potato Head.

Yeah. It is true that lots of people have dreams where they're being sort of chased,

that's quite a natural thing.

Yes, but generally, they haven't become a root vegetable.

You think it could be true, don't you?

My brain is shot by this game. I think anything could be true.

-I am so sure it's a lie.

-Well, we're going to say it's a lie, then.

So, you're going to say it's a lie. OK. Phil Tufnell, were you telling the truth or were you lying?

I was telling...

No!

It's true.

Phil is haunted by a recurring dream in which he is a potato.

There's a technical term for Phil Tufnell turning into a potato.

It's called evolution.

That's not very nice.

And our next round is called This Is My, where we bring

on a mystery guest who has a close connection to one of our panellists.

This week, each of David's team will claim it's them that has the genuine connection to the guest and it's up

to Lee's team to spot who's telling the truth. So, please welcome this week's special guest, Ian.

APPLAUSE

-Right, Konnie.

-Sorry, even before we start I can tell you now, lads, this man does not know David Mitchell.

Konnie, what is Ian to you?

This is Ian. When he brought his lizards onto Blue Peter, one of them went missing.

Later that evening, I found it in my handbag.

All right. David, what's your connection?

This is Ian. I sat next to him on a plane and he had such a fear

of flying that I had to hold his hand throughout take-off and landing.

It turns out David Mitchell might know this man really, really well.

Greg, how do you know Ian?

This is my friend, Ian. One night, after getting drunk together,

he was wrongly arrested on suspicion of murder.

Greg, keep it light!

Konnie's lizard loser, David's terrified passenger

or Greg's falsely accused friend. Where do you want to start?

So, Ian here brought lizards to a flagship BBC children's programme

and left going, "Well, you know, you don't always go home with the same number of lizards..."

The great thing with Blue Peter is if you lose an animal there,

they'll make up a name for it. What type of lizard?

Well, there was a selection of lizards.

He brought in about eight or ten lizards, and there were chameleons.

-And what? Did one of them change its colour to the same as your handbag?

-Yes.

-Hence getting lost?

-It wasn't a chameleon.

-It was a lizard.

-What was it?

-It was a lizard.

-What was your handbag made of?

The handbag was made of snake. No, it wasn't!

Whereabouts were you at Blue Peter when you found the lizard in the end?

-No, I wasn't, I was actually in my car and my handbag was on the passenger seat.

-Yeah.

So you open your bag to get some money out?

I was in the multi storey car park and I'd stopped and I just wanted to check that I had my phone.

-Right, OK.

-And then I was, like...

-So, you opened it and did you go, "Er, hello, hello?

"Hello?"

I had the theory that someone put it in as a joke, but I don't know and I've not...

Oh, the wacky days of Blue Peter.

Hilarious!

I don't know if it's in the spirit of this game, but it really is true.

They've done it again.

-I'd like to say I'm not stupid enough to fall for this again.

-I am.

OK, right. David?

-Yes?

-Just remind us again of your implausible story.

Well, I was on a plane next to Ian

and his fear of flying was such that I had to hold his hand during take-off and landing.

And where were you going from and to?

I was going from Gatwick to...

That's an airport. Think of another one now.

Corsica.

Gatwick to Corsica.

And what did he say? Was there any,

for want of a better word, foreplay, or did he go straight for the hand?

On take-off, he just suddenly... he started...

-What?

-He started sort of making agitated noises.

Please, please, can you do the demonstration of the... I think we all want to see his agitated noises.

-No!

-Go on!

As I remember it, it was just sort of "Ahh!".

Are you sure that wasn't the engine, David?

Yes. Yes, Lee, I'm sure it wasn't the engine.

-So, basically, he's sounding agitated...

-Yeah.

-Has he grabbed your hand?

-Then he grabs my hand.

-Oh, no talking?

-There's no, "D'you mind if I..."?

-Not at that point, no.

You slag, David Mitchell.

And what did you say, "Do you mind? "I'm a married woman"? I mean, what did you do?

I don't think I said anything.

You know why he's grabbed your hand, do you?

Well, I assumed it was... I didn't think it was sexual attraction.

-Right.

-But it's very sweet of you to leap to that conclusion.

-Did either of you have fellow travellers with you?

-No.

-No, we were...

-You were both just flying to Corsica to see what might happen.

See who you meet on the plane, maybe.

And this happened again when you came in for landing?

After it levelled off,

it became fully airborne...

LAUGHTER

It sounds like a virus.

..he then sort of apologised and said, "I'm really sorry...

" freak out sometimes on a plane".

And I said, "Oh, you know, not to worry".

I bet THAT calmed him down(!)

I once stroked a girl's back while we were having a very difficult re-entry over...

Not now.

We were coming into Heathrow and I didn't know her and she was crying,

and I just reached out and just stroked her back and held her hand.

There was a reason why she was crying, wasn't there, Rob?

The madman behind was stroking her back.

I wasn't behind her, I was going, "Hey it's OK. This is just turbulence.

"This is nothing, honestly.

"This is normal, really. This... Bloody hell, whoa!".

And she was quietly sobbing.

I mean, it was quite... I'm BAFTA nominated, I should point that out.

-So, these things do happen.

-Yes, there's definitely people get nervous on flights.

I think we have to deal with Greg's story.

Go on, Greg, let's have it.

I got drunk with Ian,

and later he was arrested wrongly on suspicion of murder.

And thank God that bit's in.

So, what happened?

Well, I wasn't really part of it because we both passed out.

It was a college ball

and we all drank vast amounts, particularly Ian and I drank a ridiculous amount

and then both collapsed.

The last thing I remember is Ian falling down and him obviously being horribly hurt.

-And I woke up on a carpet and ran...

-So, nice change from the bath.

I ran upstairs and he was sitting up in his bed,

honestly, looking... His face was swollen like a pumpkin.

And then he told me that that night when he'd been stumbling about drunk,

he'd been arrested for murder because someone with a similar facial wound

had murdered someone in the town.

-Someone with a similar... Oh, so the facial wound from falling...

-Yeah.

And someone with a similar facial wound had murdered somebody else?

-Yeah.

-That's unlucky.

Where was this?

How did they know he wasn't the murderer?

What was the defining point in the interview?

He told me that they had questioned him for hours and, eventually,

he said to the police, and I think this is a quote,

"I'll be honest with you, lads, I could well have done it".

LAUGHTER

And yet, they still let him out before you'd woken up.

It upsets me to think that police respond to double bluffs like that.

And, just to be clear, it was proven at the end that he had absolutely nothing to do with it.

-Correct.

-Obviously, otherwise he wouldn't be here.

We never established just why David was going to Corsica.

-On his own.

-Was it Club 18 to 30 again?

No, it was a holiday.

I was going on holiday with a group of friends,

but I could only go a day after everyone else.

They made those rules, did they?

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

So, Lee's team,

is Ian Konnie's reptile wrangler,

David's frightened flyer,

or Greg's suspicious friend? Which one are you going for?

-What do we think, Phil?

-I quite like Konnie.

Well, we all do.

-Well, there you go.

-Focus, Phil!

No, I can imagine a bit of Blue Peter, he looks like a chap

who might keep lizards, I don't know why.

I'm slightly leaning towards Greg, only because I don't believe David.

I'm inclined to think that Konnie's story is true.

Oh, go on, then. Konnie, if you've suckered these two idiots into it, I'll go along with that.

Ian, would you like to reveal to us your true identity?

My name is Ian, whilst at college with Greg Davies, we got very drunk one night

and I was wrongly arrested on suspicion of murder.

APPLAUSE

When I went up in the morning he was sitting upright in bed and his head was three times its natural size,

and I went, "Oh, my God, mate! Are you all right?". And he looked at me

like this...and went, "We've gone too far this time, mate".

-Thank you very much, Ian.

-Thank you.

Which brings us to our final round, Quickfire Lies, in which our panellists

lie not only through their teeth, but against the clock. We will start with...

..Lee, yes.

I once had to show my boss an intimate area of my body

to prove why I was late for work.

OK!

Which part of your body and why did that prove that you were late for work?

It was my, er... Well, I think we all know what I'm talking about.

-I don't!

-No.

Well, let's call it Mr Weewee.

You actually had to show it to him?

-Well, I didn't have... He didn't say...

-You elected to.

He didn't say,

"Prove it, get it out", but I could tell he was doubting me.

-I said, "Honestly, look!", and I got it out.

-So, what was...?

-What was the...?

-That's the bit they're all waiting for, David.

-What did it prove?

-Mr Weewee had banged his head.

-What on?

-"What on?", is a good question.

-Ceiling.

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

Yeah, basically, I was lying in bed

and I was naked,

and I think there was a tiny, little bit of glass in the bed.

And it just wouldn't stop bleeding. So, I had to get some tissue paper.

I wrapped it round quite a lot and, I can't lie, it ended up looking like Mr Bump.

It was blue?

It was...

I just put lots of it on, and then I just told him the truth.

"Sorry I'm late, there was an incident".

I told him, he went...as if to say, "You're not telling the truth".

I said, "Do you want to see it?", whizzed it out, he went, "Oh, it's Mr Bump".

Every time someone raises their eyebrows at you, your instinct is to get your penis out?

Stop it, Greg! Stop it! You know I can't help myself!

Stop it!

-He made you show it?

-No, he didn't make me. He never, at any point, made me do it.

No, all he did was give you the sign.

Stop it, Greg.

You were in no position to deploy it.

He was quite well covered. It was full of bandaged tissue paper.

So, it was it was easy to get it out and keep my dignity. In fact,

I was quite proud of it. It was like this! I was like, "Do you want to have a look at it, mate?

"There it is.

"Wrap your eyes round that little beauty, eh?

"Mr Bump's fainted, get used to it".

David, what do you think, is he telling the truth? Let's have a decision.

-Konnie?

-Well, I could weirdly believe it.

Yes, I could believe.

-I mean, it's a very extreme story to have made up.

-It's too much so it must be true.

-Yeah.

-You're saying true?

-Yeah, we're saying true.

-You're saying true. OK, Lee, truth or lie?

-It is, in fact, true.

Yes, it's true. Lee went on to a successful career in entertainment,

while his boss went on to anti depressants and a course of trauma therapy. Next...

it's David.

I recently bought a cat,

but took it back a day later because our personalities clashed.

Once again, David is mixing up the words "cat" and "wife".

What was the matter with his personality? What did you clash on?

Well, the use of claws.

He didn't like that, did he?

What was he scratching?

Scratching? Well, slightly me,

but also furniture quite vigorously.

-Scratching your furniture.

-Yeah. There was a sort of corner of a sofa

and a corner of a table.

-Corners.

-Always corners.

Was he a kitten when you got him?

No, I think sort of about...two.

-Two years old.

-That's quite...

-Why did you buy a two-year-old cat rather than a kitten?

Well, it, it came from Battersea Cats and Dogs Home,

which I thought that's quite a responsible place to source a pet,

-rather than, you know...

-Did you pay for the cat?

-No. Well, it was just sort of, you know, you home it.

-You home it?

-You give it a home.

-Oh, I see.

-It was a homing cat.

-Oh, I thought you meant you threw it out of the window like a pigeon.

I've rehomed a cat.

Did they come round and have a look at where he was going to stay?

-No.

-Didn't they?

-No. They did with mine.

-Yeah, well, that's your history, Phil.

That's just you.

What colour was it? What kind of style was it?

Style! What sort of...

Art Deco.

What sort of breed was it?

It was tortoiseshell with a sort of...the odd blotch.

-You took it back after one day?

-Yes.

How long was it in your house before you went, "Oh, this is rubbish?

"This is going back."?

I was suspicious after as little as an hour.

I was despondent after six hours.

After eight hours, I was decided.

So, what are you going to say then, truth or lie?

-Lie for me.

-What do you say, Marcus?

-Oh, I don't know, I'm confused. A lie, then.

-I'll say lie, then.

-You're going to say lie. OK, David, truth or lie?

-It is a lie.

Yes, it's a lie. David didn't buy a cat and then return it a day later because their personalities clashed.

Aloof, rather prickly and temperamental and hard to befriend, David still doesn't have a cat.

Next...

and it's Greg.

I used to try and scare school friends by planting

a particular drawing in their pockets, signifying death.

Lee, what do you think?

-What was the drawing?

-It was an owl.

Ah, the owl of death.

-Its full title was actually the hoot owl death sign.

-Oh.

-What do you mean the owl of death? What was it doing in this drawing?

-Hoot owl death sign.

-That old chestnut.

-I could draw it for you, if you like.

Greg, I've got a pen and paper. I'll come there.

No, I'll come to you. Don't stand up next to me, it just highlights it.

Greg, can you...

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

So, please, draw the owl of death.

So...

Don't look at it, David, you'll die.

Oh, my God! Blimey.

Oh!

Oh, please put it away!

Just imagine, you're innocently, in your pocket,

minding your own business, and you go, "Oh, what's this in my..."

Oh, no it's the owl of death!

Your friends would find that in their pocket and be...

Not my friends, my deadly enemies.

What would be the purpose of that?

It would serve for people who had crossed my friend and I.

-What kind of things would they have to do to cross you?

-There was an English teacher who

we found a bit boring, so we slipped one in his pocket.

That was the highlight of the whole campaign actually -

the English teacher once stood up in front of class,

was chatting away and went into his pocket and went, "Oh..."

And he went, "Sorry, everyone. Does anyone know anything about this, because I've just..."

Was the purpose of it to scare them?

Like, you would tell them later on it was your, or...?

No, no, of course not, we were both nerdy cowards.

You created a sort of mythology around what might happen

if you found the hoot owl of death in your pocket?

In our minds, anyone who found the hoot owl of death in their pocket

would very shortly afterwards meet their demise.

Time to take a guess. What are you going to say?

-Phil, do you think that is possible?

-I think it's possible,

-but I think it's a lie.

-I think it's a lie.

-OK.

-You say lie, you say lie, what about you, Lee?

-I say lie.

Right, Greg, truth or lie?

Well, it would be pretty tragic if two boys had spent their youth doing that, wouldn't it?

And it is indeed true.

Yes, it's true, Greg did try and scare school friends

by planting a particular drawing in their pockets, signifying death. BUZZER

Well, that noise signals time is up and it's the end of the show -

I can reveal that David's team are the victors by seven points to three.

APPLAUSE

But, of course, it's not just a team game.

My individual liar of the week is Greg Davies.

Yes, Greg Davies, whose stories were so tall, some of them almost came up to his shoulder. Good night.

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