Episode 4 Would I Lie to You?

Good evening, welcome along to Would I Lie To You,

the show where porky-pies are the dish of the day every day.

And on Lee Mack's team tonight,

one of the best-known faces on EastEnders.

David, it's a show about working-class people. Nina Wadia!

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

And he's the star of Screenwipe, Newswipe, Gameswipe

and for one night only Would I Lie To You-wipe, it's Charlie Brooker!

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

And joining David Mitchell tonight,

his catchphrase on MasterChef is,

"Cooking doesn't get tougher than this."

LAUGHTER

Here's a man who's clearly never tasted Mrs Brydon's Yorkshire puddings. Gregg Wallace!

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

And a splendid actor who withdrew from I'm A Celebrity

because he didn't want to eat kangaroo testicles or crocodile anus.

LAUGHTER

He's going to go hungry in the greenroom tonight. Nigel Havers!

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

And so to Round One. It's Home Truths,

where our panellists each read out a statement from the card in front of them.

To make things harder, they've never seen the card before,

so they've no idea what they'll be faced with.

The opposing team separate the facts from the fibs.

Gregg, you're first up, please reveal all.

"I always make toast by ironing the bread."

LAUGHTER

"It tastes much better that way."

Lee, what do you think?

-Do you, do you apply butter pre-ironing?

-No.

-What, that would be MENTAL.

-No, it would be crazy

because then you are in danger, of course, of cooking the butter,

you'd get a beurre noisette on top of your toast,

which wouldn't do you any good at all.

-He's good.

-Beurre, not, "bwer".

-Is this the same...

the same iron that you use for the clothes then straight after?

You can use any hot, flat, metal implement to iron the bread,

you don't have to use an electric iron.

-What other...

-I quite often put a shirt in the toaster!

What other hot, flat, metal implements do you have?

Well, you can get a spatula and heat it.

A spatula, that must take a long time to do toast?

Not a plastic one!

I know the basics, Gregg.

You could get a fish slice and the...

Is this the kind of advice you give out on MasterChef?

-COCKNEY ACCENT

-"Never ever heat up a plastic spatula."

LAUGHTER

What's the bread on?

It doesn't matter what the bread's on! A work surface.

So when you put the iron on you're going to squash it a little bit, surely?

To flatten and squash it a bit is the point.

Without getting your sweaty palm on it.

Bread is flat, isn't it?

Well, of course, it's not rolling hillocks, I know this.

-It's also bouncy.

-Bread isn't necessarily flat.

If you slice it flat, it's flat. LAUGHTER

A loaf of bread isn't flat.

-What are you doing, "to-pourri"?

-LAUGHTER

-I mean, you can't say bread is flat.

-Now I'll make it into a budgie.

-Paper is flat, bread isn't necessarily flat.

-Can I ask...

Bread's only flat if you cut it into a flat shape

and then iron it, like anyone sensible. LAUGHTER

If I was going to pick you up on anything tonight, Lee,

and I like to think that I will, it would be how you pronounce the word topiary.

-To-pourri?

-Did anybody notice, he went, "to-pourii"?

It was like a wonderful mixture of trimming a hedge

-and a little bowl you have of things that smell nice in the house.

-LAUGHTER

-I say to-pourri, what do you say?

-Well, it's topiary, not to-pourri!

So, hang on, hang on, whoa, whoa, just to backtrack,

-there's a man ironing his bread...

-LAUGHTER

and I'm being picked up because I'm saying to-pourri a bit like potpourri?

-Where the hell's David gone?!

-LAUGHTER

Oh, I thought he was so middle class

-that I'd pronounced it wrong and he'd fainted!

-LAUGHTER

I'll tell you, I knocked a water bottle

onto what I can only describe as a nest of wires.

And also, he was a little bored!

Oh, yeah, you idiots trying to teach Lee how to speak,

I mean, we could be here all night! LAUGHTER

APPLAUSE

If you iron bread, wouldn't you... Would it ever properly toast?

-Wouldn't it just get very soggy and hot?

-You could put butter in the steaming bit.

You could have a butter one and a jam one.

But if you put the jam in, you'll have the problem you have with a Pop-Tart,

which is when a Pop-Tart comes out and you forget to let it cool...

-Something working-class people have for breakfast,

-LAUGHTER

-Before it's mentioned.

-I'm as working class as it gets,

-I don't know what a Pop-Tart is.

-You iron bread!

LAUGHTER

APPLAUSE

I don't always use an iron!

-What do you sometimes use?

-I just told you!

-A hot metal implement...

-Yeah, yeah, yeah.

-..like a spatula.

-Yeah, or a fish slice.

-How are you heating up the fish slice?

You could just put that on a naked flame.

It's just occurred to me that it's a bit like toasting on the Aga cos it's a hot surface.

-Similar, mind you...

-That is posh!

Aga, that's a posh thing, suddenly realised!

-Have you seen an Aga?

-Yes, I have seen an Aga!

I'll have you know I've broken into some very nice homes!

LAUGHTER

-What are you going to say, Lee, truth or lie?

-I dunno, what d'you think?

A fish... To toast bread with a fish slice,

you'd have to get it up to such a temperature it'd be like molten lava.

I hate to bring everyone, but the allegation is an iron.

Oh, no, no, he said that he also does it with a fish slice.

-That's chat you're having on your own time, the allegation is the iron.

-Who are you, his lawyer?

For the purposes of this, yes!

-Come on, let's make a decision.

-Right, what d'you think?

I simply don't buy it because of the fish-slice issue.

Nina?

I just can't imagine that he'd waste like 20 minutes ironing a piece of bread in the mornings.

20 minutes?

-Well, if it...

-How big is your bread?

LAUGHTER

-We go lie?

-Yeah.

-We'll say lie.

-You're saying lie.

Gregg Wallace, were you telling the truth or were you telling a lie?

-It's a lie.

-It's a lie.

-APPLAUSE

-I thought I did well, I thought I did well.

Yeah, Gregg doesn't make toast by ironing bread.

I made a mental note to try that!

Right, Charlie, you're next.

"I once refused to pick up my girlfriend from the station

"because I couldn't bear to step over a spider

"that was between me and my front door."

LAUGHTER

David.

Was this out of fear or respect for the spider?

LAUGHTER

Kind of a combination of both.

What happened was she rang me and she was slightly...

It was late and so she wanted me to collect,

-be a gentleman, walk her home, so I had to tell her I wouldn't...

-You were prepared to tell her

that you were too frightened to walk across the spider to collect her in the middle of the night?

-It was a big spider!

-How PATHETIC was that?

It caused a huge argument

cos I was refusing to let... She was saying she would,

you know, she didn't want to walk through the streets of London, it was frightening at night

and I was going, "Yeah, but there's a spider here, which is real.

-"You're scared of some notional threat, I can see one."

-LAUGHTER

Get a stick or something, give it a little tweak and it'll run away.

And he has faced spiders in the JUNGLE,

and Lembit Opik.

LAUGHTER We still don't know how she got in, you got out and then what happened.

Well, obviously I was scared so I dropped a...

I dropped a Yellow Pages on it.

-I kill spiders without any conscious...

-With only hours

-and hours of terrified hesitation.

-David, which way are you leaning?

Could be true, but that's so often the case on this game.

-A complete lie!

-You think it's a complete lie?

-If it's true, I feel very sorry for Charlie, actually. It's pathetic.

-Don't PITY me!

LAUGHTER

Don't just openly pity me, for God's sake!

I hate it when there's so much riding on whether something's true or a lie,

particularly when it's just a game, but now it's your whole view of Charlie.

-What d'you think?

-A lie.

-OK, we're going to say...

-You're going to say lie?

-..it's a lie.

-David's team think it's a lie.

Were you telling the truth or were you telling us a lie?

It's actually a hideous...

truth.

Oh, no!

APPLAUSE

I'm genuinely paralysed by fear when I encounter a spider -

they're not natural. I know they ARE, but you know what I mean.

I don't like spiders at all and I would agree with you, Charlie,

-they are basically monsters.

-Yeah.

But fortunately they are tiny. LAUGHTER

I tell you what spiders would scare me - the spiders that kill you in Australia,

the spiders that hide in toilets

and bite you on the arse just when you're,

at your most relaxed and then you... LAUGHTER

You don't see them, you die happy.

You die at the moment of relaxation the glorious moment of egestion,

"Ahh," and then, all gone.

Can I ask you, David, is that the only time you, you truly relax?

LAUGHTER

Yeah, even then I don't truly relax!

Yes, it's true, Charlie did refuse to pick his girlfriend up

because he couldn't step over a spider on the stairs.

The best way to get rid of a spider is with a glass

and a piece of cardboard.

You put the cardboard over the spider,

then bash it to death with the glass!

Nigel Havers, you're next.

Right. "I once went on a date with a flamenco dancer

"who turned out to be a man."

LAUGHTER

Oh, Lee, this is ringing bells for you, isn't it?

This reminds me of the time I was a flamenco dancer

and I once went out with Nigel Havers!

LAUGHTER

Well, OK. First of all, when was this?

I was 15, 16.

You knew that this woman, as you thought she was at the time, was a flamenco dancer?

Yes, well, yes, I'd seen her dance.

Oh, and that's what attracted you to her, when she was dancing?

-Yes.

-So tell me the story, but after you've seen her dance,

-so where did you see her dancing?

-I was on holiday.

-Where?

-In Spain.

-Spain?

LAUGHTER

Thank you, in Spain, actually.

-You were on holiday with your family?

-Yeah, family.

OK, so you're watching the flamenco dancer and she's how old?

-Young, I mean, 18, bit older, I don't...

-So, she's about 18 and so what happens next?

So you're watching her dance in a show, I guess?

I was watching her dancing and I thought I would ask her out.

And she said... (LOW-PITCHED) ..yes.

LAUGHTER

Just so you know, mate, I don't kiss on the first date!

LAUGHTER

Now, I'm not messing about, these are the ground rules.

You can kiss but no bollock-grabbing!

-LAUGHTER

-No clues!

How do you make contact? Where was she when you asked her out?

-In the hotel we were staying at.

-So you just went round to her room,

-you sort of tapped on the door, she got confused and started dancing...

-LAUGHTER

-..and then she opens the door and she says, "What can I do for you?"

-LAUGHTER

Take it from there.

She's smoking, she's got to decide whether she's got a pipe

or a little roll-up. LAUGHTER

No, no she, she's very classy,

she only smokes the Woodbines outside and the pipe in her room.

LAUGHTER

So you're on the date, how long is it before you found out she's a man?

-A couple of hours.

-So, two hours, and how does this come about?

Was it during a fumble or a conversation?

It was due...

LAUGHTER

I mean that, really, THAT is the interesting question!

LAUGHTER

I think it'd be fair to say I'm speaking on behalf of the group.

-We're all thinking it!

-At the urinals?

LAUGHTER

-I'm just trying to remember.

-"You don't mind if I stand, do ya?"

LAUGHTER

Oh, sorry, she's out, isn't she?

LAUGHTER

-We were on the dance floor.

-On the dance floor, doing the flamenco?

-No, just dancing, quite, you know, close, close.

-Slow dancing.

-Ahh, I can see where this is going!

-LAUGHTER

Something came between us.

So what did you do, Nigel? You kind of went, "Ohh!"

I went, "Whoa!", I did, I went, "Whoa!", just like that

-and then I left immediately.

-What do you think, Lee?

It's a harrowing tale for the young lad.

I think Nigel's a very nice, polite man

and you can imagine what he was like when he was 16,

-probably even politer and possibly a little bit shy at 16.

-Possibly.

I think he'd have just been too...

-He'd have just gone through with it because...

-LAUGHTER

I don't buy that you would be able to ask somebody out

and not twig that they were a man.

What about you, Nina, where, where, what do you think?

-You're a woman after all.

-Yeah, hopefully!

LAUGHTER

Do you know, it's the kind of thing that happens, I think,

to a lot of actors,

where you get confident when you're a lot younger,

so I imagine that something like this could have happened.

-You think it's true?

-I do.

What's it going to be, Lee, truth or lie?

-It's a lie.

-OK, you say it's a lie,

Nigel Havers, truth or lie?

Well...it's...

the truth.

GASPING AND APPLAUSE

We won one!

Yes, it's true, Nigel did go on a date with a flamenco dancer

who turned out to be a man.

So at the end of that round, David's team has two points,

Lee's in the lead with three points.

APPLAUSE

Our next round is called This Is My, where we bring on a mystery guest

who has a connection to one of our panellists.

Please welcome this week's special guest, John.

APPLAUSE

Right, Charlie, we'll start with you.

-How do you know John?

-This is John...

On Valentine's Day, when I was 17,

I presented him with a dustbin for his daughter.

Nina, how do you know John?

This is John, he was the first person ever to have a drink at the Queen Vic

and the first person ever to have a curry at my restaurant, The Argee Bhajee.

And Lee, what about you?

This is John and he is the previous owner of my house,

who still pops round with his deckchair

so he can sit in my garden on sunny days.

All right, so, there we are.

-David, where do you want to start?

-Oh... Well, Charlie...

what's... This is quite a complex series of events.

You presented him with a dustbin on Valentine's Day,

when you were 17, for his daughter?

Yes, I intended to give the bin to her,

but she wasn't there, so I gave the bin to John.

What was the name of his daughter?

Ted Rogers.

LAUGHTER

Catherine.

Catherine, what sort of bin was it?

Like a big garden bin, OK?

I thought it would be a funny Valentine's gift,

was to give a bin...

Because it's SO unromantic! LAUGHTER

Yes, but that's the clever ruse, you see, if you're a bit, you know,

you're a bit unsure of yourself,

so you don't want to give a card that says,

"I actually fancy you," you want to give something that, sort of,

could make you look a...bit...mad?

What, what was the, was there a note, with the bin, saying a poem?

No I... I put her initials on it,

-you could get these gold initials you could stick...

-Oh, you can,

you can ask for a bin to have, like, nice gold initials

or a something, you know, a nice sentiment written on it.

-A monogrammed bin.

-A lot of companies do that to bins.

No, I made it, don't be facetious!

-Sorry.

-I stuck the letters on myself.

-You haven't got a shred of romance in you!

-LAUGHTER

Was it wrapped, did you wrap it?

-I put a red bow round it.

-Red...

-Romantic red bow.

-No, you didn't!

Don't mock what happened, I was really nervous that day!

-Don't rubbish his bin.

-Yeah.

-I was really, my heart...

I can imagine why you were nervous,

you were probably thinking, "I don't know, is the bin the right present?

"I mean, I think any girl would love a bin,

"but you can't be sure." LAUGHTER

Oh, I'm glad my torment amuses you so much,

you NASTY little man!

LAUGHTER

Let's move along now, I think, to someone else.

So, Lee, why would you let the previous owner of your house

still come and sun himself in the garden?

Don't say it's because you're kind cos I know you! LAUGHTER

What's wrong with his garden?

That's the sad story, he hasn't got a garden any more.

-Oh, right.

-Does he live on his own?

-Yeah, in a flat.

And he keeps a deckchair just for the purpose of visiting your garden?

Well, yeah, cos he used to come round and then I found out that he loved the garden

and so I said, "Well, come round if you want to come and sit in my garden."

-Sweet, but it's bollocks, isn't it?

-LAUGHTER

Why don't you let him leave a deckchair there?

I don't tell him he has to take the deckchair,

but I don't know, maybe...

-maybe he hasn't got any furniture.

-LAUGHTER

Nina, remind us.

Sure, John is basically a supporting artist that has been there since day one, 25 years on EastEnders,

and he's known as being the first of everything,

so he'll be the first who had a drink at the Vic,

he's the first in the launderette,

he's the first who's, kind of, done any set.

-And also you say he was the first person to eat in...

-To have a curry

-since the Masoods have owned the Argee Bhajee.

-Right...

-So, so well that's very, I mean...

-I can't...

-That's very plausible.

-Yeah.

-At the same time could have been made up.

-Can I just check something?

Is he the first in every, well he's not,

he's the bloke who sits in the garden, but if he wasn't...

-LAUGHTER

-is he, is he the first...

Imagine he wasn't, right, the bloke that sits in my garden...

-APPLAUSE

-..for a minute, and he is, but imagine he's not, right?

If it turns out you were telling the truth, Lee, this is one hell of a ballsy double bluff!

-LAUGHTER

-Is he the first in EVERY set?

Is he like, is he like in Dot Cotton's cupboard,

is he just stepping out, or you mean in the public sets?

-No, in the public sets.

-So, David...

Is John Charlie's dustbin dad, Nina's EastEnders extra

or Lee's friend with the deckchair?

Do you watch EastEnders, d'you recognise this guy?

Hands up if you recognise him.

Has anybody been in my garden?

LAUGHTER

It's DEFINITELY not Lee... LAUGHTER

And Charlie's is so ridiculous,

it's just so absolutely up his road, isn't it?

Charlie became so heated in defence of his romantic actions.

Too passionate about it really. Bless.

That's what emotions are like.

LAUGHTER

It's a hell of a thing to get back in touch with the father of someone

you were infatuated with years ago and who you gave a bin to.

I mean, it's possible, but it's a lot easier to get in touch

with the regular supporting artist on the show that you work on.

You're absolutely right.

-Come on then, what are you going to say?

-OK, Nina.

You're going to say Nina is telling the truth.

John, would you please reveal your true identity.

I'm John and when Charlie was 17...

CHEERING AND LAUGHTER

..he presented...

He presented me with a dustbin for my daughter on Valentine's Day.

Yes!

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

And Charlie, John has a present for you tonight.

You haven't seen it for 23 years...

LAUGHTER

..and I'm serious, it's here tonight, the actual bin!

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

And there are the initials on there.

LAUGHTER

Charlie, you old romantic, you.

So there, you cynics!

Thank you, John.

APPLAUSE

Which brings us to our final round, Quick-fire Lies,

in which our panellists lie against the clock.

We will start with...

BUZZER

It is Lee.

"Every Sunday I treat myself to a relaxing bath

"with three squirts of Fairy Liquid in it."

LAUGHTER

Why?

Because when I was a kid...

we, we used to use...

put a bit of Fairy Liquid if we'd run out of bubble bath and so...

Yes, I can believe that, but then you decided,

"In fact, why do we need the bubble bath?"

But why only on a Sunday?

You shower the rest of the week and bath on a Sunday?

-I'm old school.

-LAUGHTER

There's nothing wrong with an all-over flannel wash.

-Under the armpits on a Monday, down below on a Tuesday...

-LAUGHTER

feet on a Wednesday, knees on a Thursday...

-This is like a really dirty version of a Craig David song!

-LAUGHTER

APPLAUSE

So, you ran out of bubble bath many years ago and have never re-stocked.

-No, not true.

-What happens when you run out of Fairy Liquid?

I run out all the time, I'm always restocking on a Monday.

How can you run out of bubble bath if you only bath on a Sunday?

Yeah, cos you shower the rest of the week!

This is rich coming from a man who irons bread!

I stick it on a flannel, a bit of liquid soap on the flannel,

under the arms on a Monday.

You put bubble bath on a flannel?! LAUGHTER

You telling me you've never used bubble bath in a shower cos you've run out of soap?

-That's, all the time.

-Liquid soap... No wonder you keep running out of bubble bath on a Sunday!

You're just like my wife!

In many ways.

LAUGHTER

David, what do you think?

I don't think this is true.

-Gregg?

-It's cobblers.

Think it's a lie.

-We think this isn't true.

-It's a lie.

Lee, here's your chance. Truth or lie?

Well, well, well, here we go.

It is in fact a lie.

LAUGHTER

APPLAUSE

Oh, my!

-Next...

-BUZZER

It's David Mitchell.

"My parents recently forced me to have a new kitchen fitted

"because my flat embarrassed them."

LAUGHTER

-Lee.

-How bad was the kitchen?

It was, I mean, I considered it adequate.

That good(!)

LAUGHTER

"Come back to mine, I've got a very adequate kitchen."

-LAUGHTER

-How would you describe the old kitchen?

It sort of had plasticy units that, some of whom had...

"some of whom?", some of which,

I like to make them into personalities. LAUGHTER

"Hello, Brian, I've had a really lonely day again."

Exactly, Brenda where the pans go. LAUGHTER

"Hello, Tommy the toaster, done anything today?

-"No, Ian the iron seems to be getting all the work."

-LAUGHTER

Your parents came round, you feel that the kitchen's not really too bad.

No, they they were sort of very unhappy about it and,

and ultimately they said, "Look, we really think you should do this.

"We'll deal with the admin if, you know, if you pay."

You're a creative mind, I mean, you must have given them a steer

as to which way you wanted it to go.

Describe a creative kitchen design steer

that you imagine someone like me might have given them.

You may have said I want an island in the middle, I want an Aga and a traditional...

I'm not a god, I'm not making a planet!

LAUGHTER

An island and a lagoon...

An island...

I want DRAGONS in the north!

LAUGHTER

What's the new kitchen like?

Erm... It's plain.

No, the sort of, I think, sort of, cream units, but...

-Have you been a kitchen salesman long, sir?

-LAUGHTER

What's the most complex thing you do in your kitchen?

LAUGHTER

I think...

..worry about death.

LAUGHTER

APPLAUSE

-So what d'you think, Lee?

-What d'you think, Nina?

I think he's lying cos his eyes go really big when he lies.

-He also does that when he's aroused though, so...

-LAUGHTER

What d'you think, Charlie?

I think that's got the ring of truth to it

cos I imagine David probably doesn't really care about his kitchen,

but that other people do.

Look at him, it's the truth.

-OK.

-You're going to say true?

-Go on then.

True, OK, David, truth or lie?

It is, in fact, true.

APPLAUSE

-Next...

-BUZZER

It's Gregg.

Possession.

-Right, there's a box under your desk, Gregg.

-Crikey!

-Would you pop it on top of the desk,

take out what's inside and then read the card for us.

"This is one of my history books.

"I read them in the sauna to make them look old."

LAUGHTER

Lee, where would you like to start?

Why'd you try and make them look old?

I think they're more attractive that way.

I like them all bashed up and old-looking.

Where, where did you hear about this,

if you read it in a sauna it actually ages nicely?

Well, I didn't, I just took the book into the sauna,

and, I go to the gym, I try not to be fat, I like the sauna as well,

-I read when I'm in the sauna and the books get aged.

-Are you naked in the sauna?

-Er, yeah.

-You're naked with a book?

LAUGHTER

-What is difficult...

-Hang on, hang on, hang on, hang on.

-..my glasses.

-How can you read with steamed-up glasses?

-No, I don't wear my glasses, just...

-How d'you read then?

Well, I hold the book up, that's not the problem...

So, now you're naked and you're doing that.

Do you ever do this when the bloke sits opposite you, you ever go...?

LAUGHTER

-Can I have a look at the book?

-I don't mind.

-OK, would you like to pass the book?

Let me have a look at this book. Thank you very much.

-Do you need help with the big words?

-No.

-ALL: Ooh!

-D'you need help with the Harry Hill impression?

-LAUGHTER

APPLAUSE

-Does it smell, does it smell like a sauna?

-Pff, it smells of something!

Well, it does it is aged

and I tell you what it is, it's aged by dampness, that I know.

Sorry, sorry, there's a phone number in the back and a bloke's name!

-It says Tony and then a bloke's phone number!

-LAUGHTER

What the hell's going on? What?

LAUGHTER

HE MOUTHS

Who's Tony?

-I don't know.

-Oh, you slag!

-I don't know.

LAUGHTER

-Lee, is he telling the truth?

-You're saying...

-I'm saying lie.

-Lie.

-I think it's a lie.

-My team say lie, so I'll go with lie.

-You're going to say lie?

-Yeah, go on.

-OK, Gregg truth or lie.

Well, it is the truth.

Brilliant.

APPLAUSE

It's true, Gregg does read his history books in the sauna to make them look old.

-BUZZER

-Ah, and that noise signals time is up

and it's the end of the show and I can reveal that,

in a CLOSELY fought contest, it's a draw at six points each!

APPLAUSE

But, of course, Would I Lie to You is not just a team game

and my individual liar of the week this week is Nigel Havers.

APPLAUSE

Yes, Nigel Havers who's displayed the sort of duplicitous behaviour

that's kept the upper class in power for the last 1,000 years! Good night!

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd

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