Episode 4 Would I Lie to You?


Episode 4

In this episode, David is joined by Gregg Wallace and Nigel Havers, and Lee Mack is joined by Charlie Brooker and Nina Wadia.


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Transcript


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Good evening, welcome along to Would I Lie To You,

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the show where porky-pies are the dish of the day every day.

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And on Lee Mack's team tonight,

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one of the best-known faces on EastEnders.

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David, it's a show about working-class people. Nina Wadia!

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CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

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And he's the star of Screenwipe, Newswipe, Gameswipe

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and for one night only Would I Lie To You-wipe, it's Charlie Brooker!

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CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

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And joining David Mitchell tonight,

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his catchphrase on MasterChef is,

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"Cooking doesn't get tougher than this."

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LAUGHTER

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Here's a man who's clearly never tasted Mrs Brydon's Yorkshire puddings. Gregg Wallace!

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CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

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And a splendid actor who withdrew from I'm A Celebrity

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because he didn't want to eat kangaroo testicles or crocodile anus.

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LAUGHTER

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He's going to go hungry in the greenroom tonight. Nigel Havers!

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CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

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And so to Round One. It's Home Truths,

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where our panellists each read out a statement from the card in front of them.

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To make things harder, they've never seen the card before,

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so they've no idea what they'll be faced with.

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The opposing team separate the facts from the fibs.

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Gregg, you're first up, please reveal all.

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"I always make toast by ironing the bread."

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LAUGHTER

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"It tastes much better that way."

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Lee, what do you think?

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-Do you, do you apply butter pre-ironing?

-No.

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-What, that would be MENTAL.

-No, it would be crazy

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because then you are in danger, of course, of cooking the butter,

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you'd get a beurre noisette on top of your toast,

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which wouldn't do you any good at all.

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-He's good.

-Beurre, not, "bwer".

-Is this the same...

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the same iron that you use for the clothes then straight after?

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You can use any hot, flat, metal implement to iron the bread,

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you don't have to use an electric iron.

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-What other...

-I quite often put a shirt in the toaster!

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What other hot, flat, metal implements do you have?

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Well, you can get a spatula and heat it.

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A spatula, that must take a long time to do toast?

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Not a plastic one!

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I know the basics, Gregg.

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You could get a fish slice and the...

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Is this the kind of advice you give out on MasterChef?

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-COCKNEY ACCENT

-"Never ever heat up a plastic spatula."

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LAUGHTER

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What's the bread on?

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It doesn't matter what the bread's on! A work surface.

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So when you put the iron on you're going to squash it a little bit, surely?

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To flatten and squash it a bit is the point.

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Without getting your sweaty palm on it.

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Bread is flat, isn't it?

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Well, of course, it's not rolling hillocks, I know this.

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-It's also bouncy.

-Bread isn't necessarily flat.

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If you slice it flat, it's flat. LAUGHTER

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A loaf of bread isn't flat.

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-What are you doing, "to-pourri"?

-LAUGHTER

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-I mean, you can't say bread is flat.

-Now I'll make it into a budgie.

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-Paper is flat, bread isn't necessarily flat.

-Can I ask...

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Bread's only flat if you cut it into a flat shape

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and then iron it, like anyone sensible. LAUGHTER

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If I was going to pick you up on anything tonight, Lee,

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and I like to think that I will, it would be how you pronounce the word topiary.

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-To-pourri?

-Did anybody notice, he went, "to-pourii"?

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It was like a wonderful mixture of trimming a hedge

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-and a little bowl you have of things that smell nice in the house.

-LAUGHTER

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-I say to-pourri, what do you say?

-Well, it's topiary, not to-pourri!

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So, hang on, hang on, whoa, whoa, just to backtrack,

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-there's a man ironing his bread...

-LAUGHTER

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and I'm being picked up because I'm saying to-pourri a bit like potpourri?

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-Where the hell's David gone?!

-LAUGHTER

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Oh, I thought he was so middle class

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-that I'd pronounced it wrong and he'd fainted!

-LAUGHTER

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I'll tell you, I knocked a water bottle

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onto what I can only describe as a nest of wires.

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And also, he was a little bored!

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Oh, yeah, you idiots trying to teach Lee how to speak,

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I mean, we could be here all night! LAUGHTER

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APPLAUSE

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If you iron bread, wouldn't you... Would it ever properly toast?

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-Wouldn't it just get very soggy and hot?

-You could put butter in the steaming bit.

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You could have a butter one and a jam one.

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But if you put the jam in, you'll have the problem you have with a Pop-Tart,

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which is when a Pop-Tart comes out and you forget to let it cool...

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-Something working-class people have for breakfast,

-LAUGHTER

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-Before it's mentioned.

-I'm as working class as it gets,

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-I don't know what a Pop-Tart is.

-You iron bread!

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LAUGHTER

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APPLAUSE

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I don't always use an iron!

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-What do you sometimes use?

-I just told you!

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-A hot metal implement...

-Yeah, yeah, yeah.

-..like a spatula.

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-Yeah, or a fish slice.

-How are you heating up the fish slice?

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You could just put that on a naked flame.

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It's just occurred to me that it's a bit like toasting on the Aga cos it's a hot surface.

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-Similar, mind you...

-That is posh!

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Aga, that's a posh thing, suddenly realised!

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-Have you seen an Aga?

-Yes, I have seen an Aga!

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I'll have you know I've broken into some very nice homes!

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LAUGHTER

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-What are you going to say, Lee, truth or lie?

-I dunno, what d'you think?

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A fish... To toast bread with a fish slice,

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you'd have to get it up to such a temperature it'd be like molten lava.

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I hate to bring everyone, but the allegation is an iron.

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Oh, no, no, he said that he also does it with a fish slice.

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-That's chat you're having on your own time, the allegation is the iron.

-Who are you, his lawyer?

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For the purposes of this, yes!

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-Come on, let's make a decision.

-Right, what d'you think?

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I simply don't buy it because of the fish-slice issue.

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Nina?

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I just can't imagine that he'd waste like 20 minutes ironing a piece of bread in the mornings.

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20 minutes?

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-Well, if it...

-How big is your bread?

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LAUGHTER

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-We go lie?

-Yeah.

-We'll say lie.

-You're saying lie.

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Gregg Wallace, were you telling the truth or were you telling a lie?

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-It's a lie.

-It's a lie.

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-APPLAUSE

-I thought I did well, I thought I did well.

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Yeah, Gregg doesn't make toast by ironing bread.

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I made a mental note to try that!

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Right, Charlie, you're next.

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"I once refused to pick up my girlfriend from the station

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"because I couldn't bear to step over a spider

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"that was between me and my front door."

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LAUGHTER

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David.

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Was this out of fear or respect for the spider?

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LAUGHTER

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Kind of a combination of both.

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What happened was she rang me and she was slightly...

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It was late and so she wanted me to collect,

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-be a gentleman, walk her home, so I had to tell her I wouldn't...

-You were prepared to tell her

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that you were too frightened to walk across the spider to collect her in the middle of the night?

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-It was a big spider!

-How PATHETIC was that?

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It caused a huge argument

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cos I was refusing to let... She was saying she would,

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you know, she didn't want to walk through the streets of London, it was frightening at night

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and I was going, "Yeah, but there's a spider here, which is real.

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-"You're scared of some notional threat, I can see one."

-LAUGHTER

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Get a stick or something, give it a little tweak and it'll run away.

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And he has faced spiders in the JUNGLE,

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and Lembit Opik.

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LAUGHTER We still don't know how she got in, you got out and then what happened.

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Well, obviously I was scared so I dropped a...

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I dropped a Yellow Pages on it.

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-I kill spiders without any conscious...

-With only hours

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-and hours of terrified hesitation.

-David, which way are you leaning?

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Could be true, but that's so often the case on this game.

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-A complete lie!

-You think it's a complete lie?

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-If it's true, I feel very sorry for Charlie, actually. It's pathetic.

-Don't PITY me!

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LAUGHTER

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Don't just openly pity me, for God's sake!

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I hate it when there's so much riding on whether something's true or a lie,

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particularly when it's just a game, but now it's your whole view of Charlie.

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-What d'you think?

-A lie.

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-OK, we're going to say...

-You're going to say lie?

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-..it's a lie.

-David's team think it's a lie.

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Were you telling the truth or were you telling us a lie?

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It's actually a hideous...

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truth.

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Oh, no!

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APPLAUSE

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I'm genuinely paralysed by fear when I encounter a spider -

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they're not natural. I know they ARE, but you know what I mean.

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I don't like spiders at all and I would agree with you, Charlie,

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-they are basically monsters.

-Yeah.

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But fortunately they are tiny. LAUGHTER

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I tell you what spiders would scare me - the spiders that kill you in Australia,

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the spiders that hide in toilets

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and bite you on the arse just when you're,

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at your most relaxed and then you... LAUGHTER

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You don't see them, you die happy.

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You die at the moment of relaxation the glorious moment of egestion,

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"Ahh," and then, all gone.

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Can I ask you, David, is that the only time you, you truly relax?

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LAUGHTER

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Yeah, even then I don't truly relax!

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Yes, it's true, Charlie did refuse to pick his girlfriend up

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because he couldn't step over a spider on the stairs.

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The best way to get rid of a spider is with a glass

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and a piece of cardboard.

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You put the cardboard over the spider,

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then bash it to death with the glass!

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Nigel Havers, you're next.

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Right. "I once went on a date with a flamenco dancer

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"who turned out to be a man."

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LAUGHTER

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Oh, Lee, this is ringing bells for you, isn't it?

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This reminds me of the time I was a flamenco dancer

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and I once went out with Nigel Havers!

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LAUGHTER

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Well, OK. First of all, when was this?

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I was 15, 16.

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You knew that this woman, as you thought she was at the time, was a flamenco dancer?

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Yes, well, yes, I'd seen her dance.

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Oh, and that's what attracted you to her, when she was dancing?

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-Yes.

-So tell me the story, but after you've seen her dance,

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-so where did you see her dancing?

-I was on holiday.

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-Where?

-In Spain.

-Spain?

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LAUGHTER

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Thank you, in Spain, actually.

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-You were on holiday with your family?

-Yeah, family.

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OK, so you're watching the flamenco dancer and she's how old?

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-Young, I mean, 18, bit older, I don't...

-So, she's about 18 and so what happens next?

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So you're watching her dance in a show, I guess?

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I was watching her dancing and I thought I would ask her out.

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And she said... (LOW-PITCHED) ..yes.

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LAUGHTER

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Just so you know, mate, I don't kiss on the first date!

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LAUGHTER

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Now, I'm not messing about, these are the ground rules.

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You can kiss but no bollock-grabbing!

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-LAUGHTER

-No clues!

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How do you make contact? Where was she when you asked her out?

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-In the hotel we were staying at.

-So you just went round to her room,

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-you sort of tapped on the door, she got confused and started dancing...

-LAUGHTER

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-..and then she opens the door and she says, "What can I do for you?"

-LAUGHTER

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Take it from there.

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She's smoking, she's got to decide whether she's got a pipe

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or a little roll-up. LAUGHTER

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No, no she, she's very classy,

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she only smokes the Woodbines outside and the pipe in her room.

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LAUGHTER

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So you're on the date, how long is it before you found out she's a man?

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-A couple of hours.

-So, two hours, and how does this come about?

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Was it during a fumble or a conversation?

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It was due...

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LAUGHTER

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I mean that, really, THAT is the interesting question!

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LAUGHTER

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I think it'd be fair to say I'm speaking on behalf of the group.

0:11:530:11:56

-We're all thinking it!

-At the urinals?

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LAUGHTER

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-I'm just trying to remember.

-"You don't mind if I stand, do ya?"

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LAUGHTER

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Oh, sorry, she's out, isn't she?

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LAUGHTER

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-We were on the dance floor.

-On the dance floor, doing the flamenco?

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-No, just dancing, quite, you know, close, close.

-Slow dancing.

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-Ahh, I can see where this is going!

-LAUGHTER

0:12:200:12:24

Something came between us.

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So what did you do, Nigel? You kind of went, "Ohh!"

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I went, "Whoa!", I did, I went, "Whoa!", just like that

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-and then I left immediately.

-What do you think, Lee?

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It's a harrowing tale for the young lad.

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I think Nigel's a very nice, polite man

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and you can imagine what he was like when he was 16,

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-probably even politer and possibly a little bit shy at 16.

-Possibly.

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I think he'd have just been too...

0:12:480:12:50

-He'd have just gone through with it because...

-LAUGHTER

0:12:500:12:53

I don't buy that you would be able to ask somebody out

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and not twig that they were a man.

0:12:590:13:02

What about you, Nina, where, where, what do you think?

0:13:020:13:05

-You're a woman after all.

-Yeah, hopefully!

0:13:050:13:07

LAUGHTER

0:13:070:13:08

Do you know, it's the kind of thing that happens, I think,

0:13:110:13:14

to a lot of actors,

0:13:140:13:15

where you get confident when you're a lot younger,

0:13:150:13:18

so I imagine that something like this could have happened.

0:13:180:13:21

-You think it's true?

-I do.

0:13:210:13:22

What's it going to be, Lee, truth or lie?

0:13:220:13:25

-It's a lie.

-OK, you say it's a lie,

0:13:250:13:27

Nigel Havers, truth or lie?

0:13:270:13:29

Well...it's...

0:13:290:13:31

the truth.

0:13:310:13:33

GASPING AND APPLAUSE

0:13:330:13:35

We won one!

0:13:350:13:37

Yes, it's true, Nigel did go on a date with a flamenco dancer

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who turned out to be a man.

0:13:420:13:44

So at the end of that round, David's team has two points,

0:13:440:13:48

Lee's in the lead with three points.

0:13:480:13:51

APPLAUSE

0:13:510:13:52

Our next round is called This Is My, where we bring on a mystery guest

0:13:540:13:57

who has a connection to one of our panellists.

0:13:570:14:00

Please welcome this week's special guest, John.

0:14:000:14:02

APPLAUSE

0:14:020:14:04

Right, Charlie, we'll start with you.

0:14:090:14:12

-How do you know John?

-This is John...

0:14:120:14:15

On Valentine's Day, when I was 17,

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I presented him with a dustbin for his daughter.

0:14:180:14:21

Nina, how do you know John?

0:14:220:14:24

This is John, he was the first person ever to have a drink at the Queen Vic

0:14:240:14:30

and the first person ever to have a curry at my restaurant, The Argee Bhajee.

0:14:300:14:34

And Lee, what about you?

0:14:340:14:36

This is John and he is the previous owner of my house,

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who still pops round with his deckchair

0:14:390:14:42

so he can sit in my garden on sunny days.

0:14:420:14:45

All right, so, there we are.

0:14:450:14:48

-David, where do you want to start?

-Oh... Well, Charlie...

0:14:480:14:52

what's... This is quite a complex series of events.

0:14:520:14:55

You presented him with a dustbin on Valentine's Day,

0:14:550:15:00

when you were 17, for his daughter?

0:15:000:15:03

Yes, I intended to give the bin to her,

0:15:030:15:09

but she wasn't there, so I gave the bin to John.

0:15:090:15:13

What was the name of his daughter?

0:15:130:15:15

Ted Rogers.

0:15:150:15:16

LAUGHTER

0:15:160:15:17

Catherine.

0:15:210:15:22

Catherine, what sort of bin was it?

0:15:220:15:24

Like a big garden bin, OK?

0:15:240:15:26

I thought it would be a funny Valentine's gift,

0:15:260:15:30

was to give a bin...

0:15:300:15:31

Because it's SO unromantic! LAUGHTER

0:15:310:15:35

Yes, but that's the clever ruse, you see, if you're a bit, you know,

0:15:350:15:38

you're a bit unsure of yourself,

0:15:380:15:40

so you don't want to give a card that says,

0:15:400:15:42

"I actually fancy you," you want to give something that, sort of,

0:15:420:15:45

could make you look a...bit...mad?

0:15:450:15:48

What, what was the, was there a note, with the bin, saying a poem?

0:15:480:15:52

No I... I put her initials on it,

0:15:520:15:57

-you could get these gold initials you could stick...

-Oh, you can,

0:15:570:16:01

you can ask for a bin to have, like, nice gold initials

0:16:010:16:04

or a something, you know, a nice sentiment written on it.

0:16:040:16:07

-A monogrammed bin.

-A lot of companies do that to bins.

0:16:070:16:10

No, I made it, don't be facetious!

0:16:100:16:12

-Sorry.

-I stuck the letters on myself.

0:16:120:16:15

-You haven't got a shred of romance in you!

-LAUGHTER

0:16:150:16:18

Was it wrapped, did you wrap it?

0:16:180:16:22

-I put a red bow round it.

-Red...

-Romantic red bow.

-No, you didn't!

0:16:220:16:25

Don't mock what happened, I was really nervous that day!

0:16:250:16:28

-Don't rubbish his bin.

-Yeah.

-I was really, my heart...

0:16:280:16:31

I can imagine why you were nervous,

0:16:310:16:33

you were probably thinking, "I don't know, is the bin the right present?

0:16:330:16:37

"I mean, I think any girl would love a bin,

0:16:370:16:40

"but you can't be sure." LAUGHTER

0:16:400:16:43

Oh, I'm glad my torment amuses you so much,

0:16:430:16:46

you NASTY little man!

0:16:460:16:48

LAUGHTER

0:16:480:16:50

Let's move along now, I think, to someone else.

0:16:500:16:53

So, Lee, why would you let the previous owner of your house

0:16:530:16:56

still come and sun himself in the garden?

0:16:560:16:58

Don't say it's because you're kind cos I know you! LAUGHTER

0:16:580:17:02

What's wrong with his garden?

0:17:030:17:06

That's the sad story, he hasn't got a garden any more.

0:17:060:17:08

-Oh, right.

-Does he live on his own?

-Yeah, in a flat.

0:17:080:17:11

And he keeps a deckchair just for the purpose of visiting your garden?

0:17:110:17:16

Well, yeah, cos he used to come round and then I found out that he loved the garden

0:17:160:17:20

and so I said, "Well, come round if you want to come and sit in my garden."

0:17:200:17:24

-Sweet, but it's bollocks, isn't it?

-LAUGHTER

0:17:240:17:27

Why don't you let him leave a deckchair there?

0:17:270:17:30

I don't tell him he has to take the deckchair,

0:17:300:17:32

but I don't know, maybe...

0:17:320:17:35

-maybe he hasn't got any furniture.

-LAUGHTER

0:17:350:17:38

Nina, remind us.

0:17:410:17:42

Sure, John is basically a supporting artist that has been there since day one, 25 years on EastEnders,

0:17:420:17:50

and he's known as being the first of everything,

0:17:500:17:53

so he'll be the first who had a drink at the Vic,

0:17:530:17:56

he's the first in the launderette,

0:17:560:17:59

he's the first who's, kind of, done any set.

0:17:590:18:02

-And also you say he was the first person to eat in...

-To have a curry

0:18:020:18:05

-since the Masoods have owned the Argee Bhajee.

-Right...

0:18:050:18:08

-So, so well that's very, I mean...

-I can't...

0:18:080:18:10

-That's very plausible.

-Yeah.

0:18:100:18:12

-At the same time could have been made up.

-Can I just check something?

0:18:120:18:16

Is he the first in every, well he's not,

0:18:160:18:18

he's the bloke who sits in the garden, but if he wasn't...

0:18:180:18:21

-LAUGHTER

-is he, is he the first...

0:18:210:18:24

Imagine he wasn't, right, the bloke that sits in my garden...

0:18:240:18:27

-APPLAUSE

-..for a minute, and he is, but imagine he's not, right?

0:18:270:18:31

If it turns out you were telling the truth, Lee, this is one hell of a ballsy double bluff!

0:18:310:18:36

-LAUGHTER

-Is he the first in EVERY set?

0:18:360:18:39

Is he like, is he like in Dot Cotton's cupboard,

0:18:390:18:42

is he just stepping out, or you mean in the public sets?

0:18:420:18:45

-No, in the public sets.

-So, David...

0:18:450:18:48

Is John Charlie's dustbin dad, Nina's EastEnders extra

0:18:480:18:51

or Lee's friend with the deckchair?

0:18:510:18:53

Do you watch EastEnders, d'you recognise this guy?

0:18:530:18:56

Hands up if you recognise him.

0:18:560:18:58

Has anybody been in my garden?

0:18:580:19:00

LAUGHTER

0:19:000:19:01

It's DEFINITELY not Lee... LAUGHTER

0:19:010:19:04

And Charlie's is so ridiculous,

0:19:040:19:07

it's just so absolutely up his road, isn't it?

0:19:070:19:09

Charlie became so heated in defence of his romantic actions.

0:19:090:19:12

Too passionate about it really. Bless.

0:19:120:19:15

That's what emotions are like.

0:19:150:19:17

LAUGHTER

0:19:170:19:19

It's a hell of a thing to get back in touch with the father of someone

0:19:190:19:23

you were infatuated with years ago and who you gave a bin to.

0:19:230:19:28

I mean, it's possible, but it's a lot easier to get in touch

0:19:280:19:31

with the regular supporting artist on the show that you work on.

0:19:310:19:35

You're absolutely right.

0:19:350:19:37

-Come on then, what are you going to say?

-OK, Nina.

0:19:370:19:39

You're going to say Nina is telling the truth.

0:19:390:19:42

John, would you please reveal your true identity.

0:19:420:19:45

I'm John and when Charlie was 17...

0:19:450:19:49

CHEERING AND LAUGHTER

0:19:490:19:50

..he presented...

0:19:530:19:54

He presented me with a dustbin for my daughter on Valentine's Day.

0:19:540:19:58

Yes!

0:19:580:19:59

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

0:19:590:20:02

And Charlie, John has a present for you tonight.

0:20:020:20:06

You haven't seen it for 23 years...

0:20:070:20:08

LAUGHTER

0:20:080:20:10

..and I'm serious, it's here tonight, the actual bin!

0:20:100:20:14

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

0:20:140:20:16

And there are the initials on there.

0:20:190:20:22

LAUGHTER

0:20:220:20:23

Charlie, you old romantic, you.

0:20:230:20:25

So there, you cynics!

0:20:250:20:28

Thank you, John.

0:20:280:20:30

APPLAUSE

0:20:300:20:32

Which brings us to our final round, Quick-fire Lies,

0:20:350:20:37

in which our panellists lie against the clock.

0:20:370:20:40

We will start with...

0:20:400:20:43

BUZZER

0:20:430:20:44

It is Lee.

0:20:440:20:47

"Every Sunday I treat myself to a relaxing bath

0:20:470:20:49

"with three squirts of Fairy Liquid in it."

0:20:490:20:52

LAUGHTER

0:20:520:20:53

Why?

0:20:590:21:01

Because when I was a kid...

0:21:010:21:03

we, we used to use...

0:21:030:21:05

put a bit of Fairy Liquid if we'd run out of bubble bath and so...

0:21:050:21:08

Yes, I can believe that, but then you decided,

0:21:080:21:11

"In fact, why do we need the bubble bath?"

0:21:110:21:13

But why only on a Sunday?

0:21:130:21:15

You shower the rest of the week and bath on a Sunday?

0:21:150:21:18

-I'm old school.

-LAUGHTER

0:21:180:21:20

There's nothing wrong with an all-over flannel wash.

0:21:200:21:23

-Under the armpits on a Monday, down below on a Tuesday...

-LAUGHTER

0:21:230:21:26

feet on a Wednesday, knees on a Thursday...

0:21:260:21:29

-This is like a really dirty version of a Craig David song!

-LAUGHTER

0:21:290:21:33

APPLAUSE

0:21:330:21:35

So, you ran out of bubble bath many years ago and have never re-stocked.

0:21:390:21:43

-No, not true.

-What happens when you run out of Fairy Liquid?

0:21:430:21:46

I run out all the time, I'm always restocking on a Monday.

0:21:460:21:49

How can you run out of bubble bath if you only bath on a Sunday?

0:21:490:21:52

Yeah, cos you shower the rest of the week!

0:21:520:21:55

This is rich coming from a man who irons bread!

0:21:550:21:58

I stick it on a flannel, a bit of liquid soap on the flannel,

0:21:580:22:01

under the arms on a Monday.

0:22:010:22:03

You put bubble bath on a flannel?! LAUGHTER

0:22:030:22:05

You telling me you've never used bubble bath in a shower cos you've run out of soap?

0:22:050:22:10

-That's, all the time.

-Liquid soap... No wonder you keep running out of bubble bath on a Sunday!

0:22:100:22:15

You're just like my wife!

0:22:150:22:16

In many ways.

0:22:160:22:18

LAUGHTER

0:22:180:22:20

David, what do you think?

0:22:200:22:22

I don't think this is true.

0:22:220:22:25

-Gregg?

-It's cobblers.

0:22:250:22:27

Think it's a lie.

0:22:270:22:28

-We think this isn't true.

-It's a lie.

0:22:280:22:31

Lee, here's your chance. Truth or lie?

0:22:310:22:33

Well, well, well, here we go.

0:22:330:22:35

It is in fact a lie.

0:22:350:22:36

LAUGHTER

0:22:360:22:38

APPLAUSE

0:22:380:22:39

Oh, my!

0:22:390:22:41

-Next...

-BUZZER

0:22:410:22:43

It's David Mitchell.

0:22:430:22:45

"My parents recently forced me to have a new kitchen fitted

0:22:470:22:51

"because my flat embarrassed them."

0:22:510:22:53

LAUGHTER

0:22:530:22:56

-Lee.

-How bad was the kitchen?

0:22:560:22:59

It was, I mean, I considered it adequate.

0:22:590:23:02

That good(!)

0:23:020:23:03

LAUGHTER

0:23:030:23:05

"Come back to mine, I've got a very adequate kitchen."

0:23:050:23:08

-LAUGHTER

-How would you describe the old kitchen?

0:23:080:23:11

It sort of had plasticy units that, some of whom had...

0:23:110:23:15

"some of whom?", some of which,

0:23:150:23:16

I like to make them into personalities. LAUGHTER

0:23:160:23:19

"Hello, Brian, I've had a really lonely day again."

0:23:190:23:23

Exactly, Brenda where the pans go. LAUGHTER

0:23:230:23:26

"Hello, Tommy the toaster, done anything today?

0:23:260:23:29

-"No, Ian the iron seems to be getting all the work."

-LAUGHTER

0:23:290:23:33

Your parents came round, you feel that the kitchen's not really too bad.

0:23:330:23:37

No, they they were sort of very unhappy about it and,

0:23:370:23:39

and ultimately they said, "Look, we really think you should do this.

0:23:390:23:43

"We'll deal with the admin if, you know, if you pay."

0:23:430:23:47

You're a creative mind, I mean, you must have given them a steer

0:23:470:23:50

as to which way you wanted it to go.

0:23:500:23:53

Describe a creative kitchen design steer

0:23:530:23:56

that you imagine someone like me might have given them.

0:23:560:23:59

You may have said I want an island in the middle, I want an Aga and a traditional...

0:23:590:24:03

I'm not a god, I'm not making a planet!

0:24:030:24:06

LAUGHTER

0:24:060:24:07

An island and a lagoon...

0:24:070:24:09

An island...

0:24:090:24:10

I want DRAGONS in the north!

0:24:100:24:12

LAUGHTER

0:24:120:24:13

What's the new kitchen like?

0:24:130:24:15

Erm... It's plain.

0:24:150:24:18

No, the sort of, I think, sort of, cream units, but...

0:24:190:24:22

-Have you been a kitchen salesman long, sir?

-LAUGHTER

0:24:220:24:25

What's the most complex thing you do in your kitchen?

0:24:250:24:30

LAUGHTER

0:24:300:24:32

I think...

0:24:320:24:33

..worry about death.

0:24:340:24:36

LAUGHTER

0:24:360:24:37

APPLAUSE

0:24:380:24:39

-So what d'you think, Lee?

-What d'you think, Nina?

0:24:420:24:47

I think he's lying cos his eyes go really big when he lies.

0:24:470:24:50

-He also does that when he's aroused though, so...

-LAUGHTER

0:24:500:24:54

What d'you think, Charlie?

0:24:540:24:56

I think that's got the ring of truth to it

0:24:560:25:00

cos I imagine David probably doesn't really care about his kitchen,

0:25:000:25:04

but that other people do.

0:25:040:25:06

Look at him, it's the truth.

0:25:060:25:07

-OK.

-You're going to say true?

-Go on then.

0:25:070:25:09

True, OK, David, truth or lie?

0:25:090:25:12

It is, in fact, true.

0:25:120:25:13

APPLAUSE

0:25:130:25:14

-Next...

-BUZZER

0:25:180:25:21

It's Gregg.

0:25:210:25:23

Possession.

0:25:230:25:24

-Right, there's a box under your desk, Gregg.

-Crikey!

-Would you pop it on top of the desk,

0:25:240:25:29

take out what's inside and then read the card for us.

0:25:290:25:32

"This is one of my history books.

0:25:340:25:36

"I read them in the sauna to make them look old."

0:25:360:25:39

LAUGHTER

0:25:390:25:41

Lee, where would you like to start?

0:25:410:25:45

Why'd you try and make them look old?

0:25:450:25:48

I think they're more attractive that way.

0:25:480:25:50

I like them all bashed up and old-looking.

0:25:500:25:52

Where, where did you hear about this,

0:25:520:25:55

if you read it in a sauna it actually ages nicely?

0:25:550:25:57

Well, I didn't, I just took the book into the sauna,

0:25:570:26:00

and, I go to the gym, I try not to be fat, I like the sauna as well,

0:26:000:26:05

-I read when I'm in the sauna and the books get aged.

-Are you naked in the sauna?

0:26:050:26:09

-Er, yeah.

-You're naked with a book?

0:26:090:26:11

LAUGHTER

0:26:110:26:13

-What is difficult...

-Hang on, hang on, hang on, hang on.

0:26:130:26:15

-..my glasses.

-How can you read with steamed-up glasses?

0:26:150:26:18

-No, I don't wear my glasses, just...

-How d'you read then?

0:26:180:26:21

Well, I hold the book up, that's not the problem...

0:26:210:26:24

So, now you're naked and you're doing that.

0:26:240:26:26

Do you ever do this when the bloke sits opposite you, you ever go...?

0:26:260:26:30

LAUGHTER

0:26:300:26:31

-Can I have a look at the book?

-I don't mind.

-OK, would you like to pass the book?

0:26:360:26:40

Let me have a look at this book. Thank you very much.

0:26:400:26:43

-Do you need help with the big words?

-No.

-ALL: Ooh!

0:26:430:26:47

-D'you need help with the Harry Hill impression?

-LAUGHTER

0:26:470:26:51

APPLAUSE

0:26:510:26:52

-Does it smell, does it smell like a sauna?

-Pff, it smells of something!

0:26:540:26:58

Well, it does it is aged

0:26:580:26:59

and I tell you what it is, it's aged by dampness, that I know.

0:26:590:27:04

Sorry, sorry, there's a phone number in the back and a bloke's name!

0:27:040:27:09

-It says Tony and then a bloke's phone number!

-LAUGHTER

0:27:090:27:11

What the hell's going on? What?

0:27:110:27:14

LAUGHTER

0:27:140:27:15

HE MOUTHS

0:27:150:27:16

Who's Tony?

0:27:270:27:28

-I don't know.

-Oh, you slag!

-I don't know.

0:27:290:27:32

LAUGHTER

0:27:320:27:34

-Lee, is he telling the truth?

-You're saying...

0:27:340:27:36

-I'm saying lie.

-Lie.

-I think it's a lie.

0:27:360:27:39

-My team say lie, so I'll go with lie.

-You're going to say lie?

0:27:390:27:42

-Yeah, go on.

-OK, Gregg truth or lie.

0:27:420:27:45

Well, it is the truth.

0:27:450:27:46

Brilliant.

0:27:480:27:49

APPLAUSE

0:27:490:27:50

It's true, Gregg does read his history books in the sauna to make them look old.

0:27:540:27:58

-BUZZER

-Ah, and that noise signals time is up

0:27:580:28:02

and it's the end of the show and I can reveal that,

0:28:020:28:04

in a CLOSELY fought contest, it's a draw at six points each!

0:28:040:28:08

APPLAUSE

0:28:080:28:10

But, of course, Would I Lie to You is not just a team game

0:28:140:28:18

and my individual liar of the week this week is Nigel Havers.

0:28:180:28:22

APPLAUSE

0:28:220:28:24

Yes, Nigel Havers who's displayed the sort of duplicitous behaviour

0:28:260:28:30

that's kept the upper class in power for the last 1,000 years! Good night!

0:28:300:28:36

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

0:28:360:28:38

Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd

0:28:510:28:54

E-mail [email protected]

0:28:540:28:57

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