Episode 3 Would I Lie to You?

APPLAUSE

Good evening, and welcome to Would I Lie To You?

The show where for a full half hour, it's fine to fib.

On Lee Mack's team tonight,

a breakfast TV presenter who appeared on Strictly

and suffered a serious ankle injury,

although in my view, not serious enough,

it's Bill Turnbull.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

And I'm not saying he's camp, but if Glee did a Mamma Mia special

starring poodles wearing spandex,

I imagine he'd watch it in legwarmers.

From Pineapple Dance Studios, Louie Spence.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

And joining David Mitchell,

an Irish comedian who came to England to find his fortune,

or failing that, any loose change, it's David O'Doherty.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

And in Doc Martin, she played a doctor's receptionist

who was rude and stupid, or to put it another way,

she played a doctor's receptionist.

Star of the Old Guys and the IT Crowd,

it's Katherine Parkinson.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Right, we will begin with Round 1, Home Truths,

where our panellists each read out a statement from the card.

To make things harder, they've never seen the card before,

so they've no idea what they'll be faced with.

It's up to the opposing team to separate the truth from the lies.

Katherine, you are first, would you reveal all?

I was so sure that Wombles were real,

I used one as an example of a mammal in a GCSE biology exam.

LAUGHTER

How could it be true? How could it be true? Lee.

Which one did you draw? What did he look like?

I didn't draw anything. The question was give an example of a mammal.

Oh, you used it. Just wrote it down - a Womble.

I gave... It was - give three examples of mammals

and I said bear, cos that's an obvious one,

whale - bit less obvious,

clever, and Womble was my third example.

How old were you, at the time?

Er, 15.

What are you looking at David for?

Let's remind ourselves what the Wombles looked like.

We've got Uncle Bulgaria, there he is.

He was like the Don Corleone of the Womble family.

-What grade did you get, then?

-A.

-You got As, even though you think Wombles are mammals?

I should make it clear that I didn't think the children's programme was a documentary,

I thought the children's programme,

THAT Womble, was based on a real mammal.

For example, a bear is a real mammal,

but Yogi Bear isn't a fair representation of their life.

You're telling me for a GCSE, at aged 15, the question was,

"Give three examples of a mammal?"

Lee, this isn't the end of a game show.

It's not like, "And this one's for the GCSE".

LAUGHTER

There were lots of questions.

But surely, the question in a GCSE at 15 wouldn't be,

"Give us examples of three mammals".

-It's a basic question.

-Why do you think that's easy?

-Well, it's quite...

-You are such an intellectual snob.

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

That's my role on the show.

I'm sorry, I'm sorry, you could have said, cat,

dog. Any number of things.

Are you stuck for the third one?

Cat, dog...

..Womble! I know what you're saying,

you could say that you knew that they were fictional,

but based on a real animal called the Womble.

I thought that maybe it was based on the fact that in real life,

they made their burrows from, like, condoms and coke cans.

In reality, of course, most creatures perish because of litter,

things that the everyday folk leave behind.

So, in a way, the Wombles did a lot of bad.

Are you saying that the Wombles message encouraged people to litter?

Yes.

People said, "Maybe I was going to throw this away properly,

"but maybe the Wombles can make an extension out of it".

Yes, yes. That's exactly what I'm saying, yes.

People do dress dogs up like that, these days and so,

you can be sure whether they're possibly just trained Wombles.

In the story the Wombles were...

That wasn't just poor old bewildered Womble,

but someone's put glasses on him.

He's put his own glasses - he's gone to the Womble optician and said,

"Can you fashion me some reading glasses out of stuff that everyday folk have left around?"

-And they've done that.

-That's actually not true, he found the glasses. He found...

-He found glasses of exactly the right prescription.

-No, no!

There was no evidence it was the right prescription.

There was an episode where an old man had died on Wimbledon Common.

Immediately the Wombles are on him!

They're taking everything - his medals, his gold watch,

his glasses, his shoes, and there he is, naked.

No dignity! No dignity if the Wombles are around.

It's a brilliant programme!

LAUGHTER

Well, what do we think, Bill?

I think it would be an insult to Katherine's intelligence to believe that she wrote that down in an exam.

-I don't believe it.

-You don't? I think... Go on, what do you think?

-No, I don't believe it.

I don't, because I think that she seems better educated than that.

-I mean, I got kicked out of school at 15.

-Why?

-I wasn't very educated and I didn't really know anything.

I couldn't spell or read, I did high kicks and back flips. They got bored!

What did you do - run out in the street singing and dancing

-and going, "I don't need this"?

-Yeah.

# I don't need this, I don't want this, I can't spell, I can't do. #

Head roll, head roll, head roll! Boom, boom!

Can I just say...

I would say that in the history of this programme

we have never had two such opposing guests...

as Bill and Louie.

Well, there we are.

It's time, Lee, to make a decision.

-Which way are you going?

-I'll go with my team and say it's not true.

-Even though my gut is screaming it's true, I will go with my team and say it's a lie.

-OK.

Katherine, is it a lie, or is it true?

It is in fact, true.

Yes, it's true. Katherine did use a Womble

as an example of a mammal in her GCSE biology exams.

Right, David O'Doherty, you're next.

I am currently seeing a hypnotist

to cure me of my compulsion to visit hypnotists.

Wow! I don't think this is going to take too long.

How long have you had a compulsion to see hypnotists?

Well, it started off I had a fear of heights

and I visited a lot of different practitioners.

It is a serious enough thing. I mean, it is, it's unusual to be this high.

And...yeah, I tried hypnosis and then I seemed to be getting something temporary from it,

so then I ended up visiting a lot more hypnotists.

-What did you get temporary from it?

-I got some relief for a while.

-From your fear of heights?

-Yeah.

-You're now relieved of that at this point.

-Why would you go back?

-Oh, because then...

The relief is temporary, so I ended up going back

and then I ended up getting really addicted to visiting different hypnotists.

-What do they do?

-Normally they just put me under for a minute.

-Put you under what?

-Water?!

-They make me - it's serious -

they make me lie...

-lie on the ground.

-So they make you lie on the ground?

How does that cure your fear of heights? Surely they should make you lie on top of the cupboard?

Well, I am knocked out during this, and when I wake up they put me on top of something high.

-Oh, right! So how many different hypnotists have you seen?

-I don't know.

-It's into the hundreds at this point.

-Hundreds of hypnotists?

It was costing... Most of my income was going on it.

I mean, I would do... whatever money I could get was just going straight into hypnosis then.

How long have you been seeing the one you've been seeing now for to get you off seeing a hypnotist?

Well, this one, about two years now.

So the man you've been seeing for the last two years

has been specifically for the problem that you want to stop seeing hypnotists?

Not for the height thing any more, just,

-"I'm addicted to hypnotists, I need to stop" - that's why you're seeing him?

-Yeah.

And you've been seeing him for two years?

We are nearly... we're nearly out of the woods.

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

-Do they ever touch you in any way?

-Generally, the severe vertigo hypnosis I get

doesn't involve physical contact, but it involves being winched up.

-Winched up?

-Well, winched up to get the height,

so when you come around you're at a height and think, this is normal.

-So when he puts you under...

-This is back when I had a serious problem.

Yeah. Let's go back to that problem, the bit that interests me, winching up.

They put you out and then you're gone. Do you remember being...

Do you wake up and go, "How did I get up here?"

You put on a sort of Velcro suit at the start, and then...

-Are you aware of what they're saying?

-No. I'm gone and then it's, "Come down from on top of the...

-"on top of the cupboard."

-So they winch you up and winch you down onto the cupboard?

No, I can get down because I've been hypnotised.

-So you've been winched up to the top of the cupboard?

-While I'm under.

-So he winches you up,

and slightly nudges... slightly nudges you over the cupboard and winches you down again.

Why does he have to put you on the cupboard, why doesn't he just winch you up and keep you winched?

What's the advantage of being on a cupboard over being winched up?

Have you got a fear of being up high on cupboards?

-What's the name of the hypnotist you're seeing?

-Dr Spanks.

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

-Never before, never before.

-You were doing really well.

-I don't think I...

-They were buying it!

You know when you, you know when you start a sentence and you don't know how it's going to end,

it's never happened before with just two words, Dr and Spanks.

He's German.

Oh, no!

He's German, yeah?

It's very emotional.

-What do you think, Lee? It's a tricky one.

-Well, it's a tough one.

-We're going with you on this one.

-What do you think?

Even if I believed everything else,

I've never met anybody German called Spanks.

It's S-P-E-umlaut...

G-H-N-K-S.

You've just ruined it.

Oh, is that what ruined it?!

Because there is never an umlaut on an E.

There's never a man being Velcro'd and winched up, that's the bit you want to be focusing on.

Not the spelling of his surname.

-Right, so, Lee.

-I'd better say it's a lie then.

You're saying it's a lie.

David O'Doherty, was that fantastic tale the truth,

or was it a lie?

Incredible as it seems, that is a lie.

Good effort.

Yes, unsurprisingly it's a lie, David isn't seeing

a hypnotist to cure him of a compulsion to visit hypnotists.

I went to see a hypnotist once, all the time he was saying

"Look into my eyes, look in..."

Sorry, sorry, not hypnotist, optician.

And at the end of that round the scores are tied.

APPLAUSE

Our next round is called This Is My, where we bring on a mystery guest

who has a close connection to one of our panellists

and this week each of David's team will claim it's them

that has the genuine connection to the guest

and it's up to Lee's team to spot who's telling the truth,

-so please welcome this week's special guest, it's Mark.

-APPLAUSE

Right, we'll start with you, David O'Doherty. What is Mark to you?

Well, this is Mark

and together we started a lost animals detective agency.

So, there we have it, David's animal detective.

-Katherine, what's your connection to Mark?

-This is Mark.

He's my recycling man and last year he put a note through my door

saying he thought we were eating too many takeaways.

Right, Katherine's healthy-eating recycling man.

-David Mitchell, your relationship with Mark?

-This is Mark.

He saved me from choking in Argos after I...

David, you haven't even heard of Argos!

He saved me from choking in Argos

after I swallowed one of their little pens.

There we have it.

I would like to know, precisely what is implausible about that?!

So there we have it. David O'Doherty's private eye for pets.

Katherine's judgemental bin man or David's high-street hero.

Lee's team - where to begin?

Well...well let's start with Katherine.

-How many takeaways were you eating?

-Chinese, Thai and pizzas.

-Yeah, that's the first night, what about the second night?

-Indian.

I wasn't having takeaways every night and this is why I personally

think it was a very rude thing to do and apart from the fact that it's

none of this man's business, who I don't know, he's basically my staff.

You know, I don't know him.

How often does your staff turn up to take away the refuse?

God, I don't know, my husband deals with all... all the rubbish and stuff.

I don't know what that means. He doesn't deal with booking them? They just come every week or every...

-He puts the rubbish out, Lee.

-You'd still know how often they come.

I accept that, but you said your husband deals with it, whatever that means. It means he's the one,

and in my family, Mrs Brydon is happy for me to put the rubbish out.

-I do it every Thursday night.

-Really, do you take a little step ladder out with you?

Yes, cos I...I can't reach the top of the wheelie bin,

-so sometimes she says, "Oh, just take a run at it."

-Little tumble.

Cascading down on your head.

And then when you think it's all over the place,

the little mammals turn up to clear all the rubbish.

Give us a rough average over two weeks at that time,

-how many takeaways were you eating?

-Every other night, I think.

So that's what... That's, that's normal to me, isn't it?

-He writes a note and it says?

-It said, I remember it beginning with,

"I hope you don't think this is rude." And it is rude and it was rude.

I know this is rude, but...

"I wonder if you've considered that you're maybe eating

"too many takeaways. Yours, Mark."

-So just...

-Stand up.

-What?

-Stand up.

-I am standing up.

-No.

-All them takeaways, let's have a look.

-That's my mic pack.

-I'm gonna go and have a quick feel.

-Oh, my god.

-I'm allowed to, I'm gay.

If it turns out this whole facade has been a lie, Louie...

It's all right, I'm gay.

Can I just say, Katherine, I'm gay!

Well, I can tell you she doesn't feel like she's eaten

a lot of takeaways, she's firm and tiny.

Thank god! Cos it was have been awful if he'd said she's telling the truth, she stinks of curry!

No, she's tight and toned.

Lee, what about, what about your other suspects?

-David O'Doherty.

-Hello.

-Hi.

You were running a detective agency for lost animals, is that correct?

Well, we started off just as a detective agency generally.

And then these lost animals started ringing you up,

-saying can you find my owner for me?

-No.

-What?

The...it's the mid-'80s in Dublin and there's a lot of crime

and we were eight or nine

and we decided we were going to do something about the crime.

So you start this detective agency and it, and it doesn't go so well,

so you have to think, you need to be a bit more niche.

We weren't...we..we just weren't getting the case load.

-We were getting nothing.

-Did you recover any lost animals?

Well, the... In the window of the local shop there seemed to be

some people had lost cats and dogs,

so...and some of them were offering cash rewards.

It was decided that we would ring up one of these people

and, as I had the most mature voice of the agency, er...

-I had to speak to the lady.

-And what would you say?

"Hello, is that Mrs Whitaker?" And she would go, "yes",

and I'd say, "And did you lose a cat called Whiskers recently?"

And she'd go, "Oh, yes, oh, yes," and I'd go, "Well, you're in luck,

"because my eight-year-old friend and I have set up a pet finding

"detective agency and we're gonna take on your case."

And did you have any results, any good results?

-Did you ever find an animal, ever?

-No.

What...what about the... the other David, as he's now known?

Oh, we're actually considering that, are we?

-Yes.

-Oh, sorry.

-What were you buying in Argos?

-A kettle.

Talk me through the process of how it works when you go to Argos?

I walked through the door

and I looked through the catalogue to find the kettle.

-What type of kettle did you go for in the end?

-For boiling water.

So you've seen the kettle and then what, what happens next?

Well, I...I filled in...

I checked on the little key pad that they had it in, in stock.

Oooh.

I tell you what, you are down with the kids.

This pen which you swallowed, how long was it?

-Sort of about that long, I think.

-And you choked?

Marvellous, absolutely marvellous. Never has such a clean sentence meant so much.

Why did you put it in your mouth?

I was sort of chewing the end of it, sort of thinking.

-Trying to look working class.

-Then I...I sneezed.

-You sneezed!

The way you do when you sneeze and suck in at the same time, yeah.

Achoo.

You had a back-draught effect did you? And it went, huh! Straight in.

So you sneezed.

In order...in order...

I involuntarily inhaled before the exhalation.

Are you like Hoover man, did everything implode into your gob.

That's my child, get his legs.

-So Mark's run up to you.

-Yeah.

Has he given you the Heimlich manoeuvre?

No, he just sort of patted me hard on the back a few times.

-Right. We need an answer.

-I can't see Mr Mitchell in Argos.

I think it could be true, his story, because he looks quite Irish, quite fair, isn't he? And...

-He looks Irish?

-I think he looks Irish.

-So what do you say, Lee?

-I think we shall say David O'Doherty?

-Yeah.

Don't blame me, that's all I'm saying.

-We're gonna go David O'Doherty.

-David O'Doherty.

OK, Mark, would you now please reveal your true identity.

-David O'Doherty and I ran a pet detective agency.

-I told you!

I told you!

Yes, it's absolutely true. You had a detective agency.

I was at home rooting around and we made business cards

and the caption at the bottom is "we handle everything."

-You're the first detective.

-Yeah.

-And Mark is...

-He's down as "notes".

Down as "notes". What does that mean, "notes"?

You've reduced him to an inanimate noun.

What a man, thank you very much to Mark.

APPLAUSE

Which brings us to our final round Quickfire Lies.

We will start with...

It's Louie.

Oh. Put my glasses on. This means I've gotta read.

Right, hold on.

I make myself cry before every big dance performance,

to get rid of any excess water weight.

What do you think, David?

My...my first question, what do you think of to produce this

torrent of tears that would get rid of all this excess water?

Well, as a dancer,

you're so criticised for the way you look and some of the things

you have to wear on stage are very revealing and can be very tight

and so I just think about how awful I would look and what kind

-of criticism I would get so that's enough to reduce me to tears.

-Right.

The spiteful remarks that people would make

if you don't burst into tears and lose a few pounds of water.

-Yes.

-Pounds, would you be losing pounds, just from a quick cry?

Oh, yes, you can, you absolutely can.

Louie, where did you...where did you discover this technique?

Well, a lot of ballet dancers, a lot of commercial dancers do do it,

it's a funny world we live in.

What we do is extreme, what we do with our bodies is extreme.

It's just one more thing to be extreme with.

How do you make sure it doesn't go onto your skin

and then still be weighing you down?

You do it like this with the flat back over,

so they just drop like that.

It must be really difficult stand...

-Have you had any experience of standing in that position.

-Can you cry now?

-This is the only time I do it.

-Terrible. Amazing.

I'm surprised you can be in that position

and can do anything that will bring tears to your eyes.

Louie, would you like some music.

Oh, don't get me started, cos you know I'm not an exhibitionist.

MUSIC PLAYS

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

-I feel better now.

-CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

-You didn't hear a thing, did you?

-Right, David, it's time to guess.

I think we as a team don't think that that's true.

We're all on edge as we wait to find out.

Louie, truth or lie?

-Lie.

-Oh, what a shocker.

Yes, it's a lie.

Louie doesn't make himself cry before every dance performance

to get rid of any excess water weight. Er, Lee.

I can tell the circumference of someone's head

just by looking at them.

-David, what d'you think?

-No, you can't. Let's move on.

I actually had my head measured yesterday for a wig.

What a waste! You should have come here. I'd have told you.

-So I know exactly what my head circumference is...

-Hey, hey, Katherine, bring it on.

Go on, then, what's her head circumference.

Let the lady ask if she wants to know. Yes, Katherine,

-can I help you?

-Lee, what is the circumference of my head?

Could you just have a little bit of a...

I would say that from my expert opinion you are...

I would say you are a large.

-David!

-Lee, large isn't a circumference.

Tell me, what did he say?

-Cos he'll have got it wrong, I guarantee, what did he say?

-He said that I was 24 inches.

Well, there you go, classic layman, you're clearly a 23.

What d'you reckon about my head? You know, in terms of circumference.

-You're a 26, 26.

-Right, 26 inches.

-28, 26, 23 and a half.

You're not just thinking that the heads

that are further away must be larger.

Bizarrely, David's head is actually bigger than Katherine's

even with perspective of distance. Katherine's got quite a small head.

-She's got quite a small head which you defined early on as large.

-Large.

David it's time to, er, encourage Lee to...to stop talking, and, what d'you think?

-I don't think it's true.

-D'you not?

-No.

-There is something about it that just has the ring of...

-Fishy.

-..total crock to it.

-Have you got a tape measure?

-What, why?

We could prove I'm right by measuring your heads.

If we did have a tape measure you wouldn't want to prove you're right,

because you don't get a point if this is true, you have to make it...

If you had a tape measure, you'd prove that I'm right and then you'd say true.

-Yeah, and it would be true.

-I'd get a point.

-And we'd get a point.

Can I just...do you mind if I... It's all right, I know what I'm doing I used to be a vet.

My head shape is like a torpedo though, you have to get the full...

-Remember not to measure it from the nose, Lee, that was a tip you did earlier.

-Hang on, hang on.

I mean, you can take it, the nature of a head is that it gets smaller.

-You've got to get the height of the head.

-David would you read out the result please?

-No?

-Bang on 23!

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

-So, David, what, what does that lead you to...

-I still don't believe it.

-Really?

-Do you believe him now?

-No, I don't.

-Do you believe him now?

-A little bit.

-A little bit. I think we're going to say this is a lie.

-You're going to say it's a lie.

-Yeah.

Lee Mack! Were you telling the truth or were you lying.

I was in fact telling a lie.

Yes, it's a lie, Lee can't tell the circumference of someone's head just by looking at them.

-BUZZER

-And that noise signals time is up

and it's the end of the show and I can reveal that David's team

romped to victory by six points to three.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

But of course, it's not just a team game,

and my individual liar of the week this week is David O'Doherty.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Yes, David O'Doherty, obviously, I don't really think he's the best liar,

but I'm just giving him the award to fulfil a regional quota. Good night.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd

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