Episode 2 Would I Lie to You?

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Good evening and welcome to Would I Lie To You,

the show all about amazing truths and big fat lies.

On David Mitchell's team tonight, a man who has broadcasting in his blood,

along with Sanatogen, cod liver oil and Viagra.

It's Sir Terry Wogan.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

And David Mitchell's writing partner, acting partner and friend,

his confidant, his soul mate, his lover.

It's Robert Webb.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

And joining Lee Mack this week, we have a 24-year-old

who's one of the youngest comedians in England

and one of the oldest men in Scotland. It's Kevin Bridges.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

And an actress whose credits include Torchwood, where she had to confront

all manner of hideous creatures and Not Going Out, where she had to confront Lee.

-It's Katy Wix.

-CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

So we start with Round One - Home Truths, where our panellists

each read out a statement from the card in front of them.

To make things harder, they've never seen the card,

so they've no idea what they'll be faced with.

It's up to the opposing team to sort the truth from the tosh.

Terry is first up. Terry, would you reveal all, please?

I deliberately set fire to my colleagues' script whilst they were live on air.

-Lee.

-Was... Was this... Did you say colleagues as in,

this happened a lot or the script belonging to one colleague?

I used to do it on a regular basis.

Enough of your sex life, Terry.

You flatter me.

Is there footage of this, if it was live?

-His sex life? I hope not.

-Oh. No.

No, there's no footage - it was in Ireland, on Irish radio

and it was just a little prank of mine to...

While my colleagues were reading the news or announcements,

I would sneak in behind them and set fire to the script

from the bottom.

So they would be holding these scripts in their hand...

As it disappeared in front of them.

-And this was the news?

-Often the news and sometimes a Beethoven concert.

I was indiscriminate.

Did you use matches? Cos you'd hear the sound, wouldn't you?

Yeah, of course, but I struck the matches before I came into the studio.

I'm a swift mover.

-I used safety matches.

-You can't move too swiftly with a match because it goes out.

That's what your jacket is for. You keep it in there,

sneak in, they don't see you, you smile...

..go round the back...

How did your victims react, Terry?

I was the senior man and I took no nonsense.

If they didn't like it...

too bad.

Hang on, Terry, sorry, what year was this?

Just after the Napoleonic Wars.

No, I was about 21.

Would the listeners ever get wind of the blaze?

No, because there's no chance of any scent on the radio.

All right, OK, all right.

-What are we thinking?

-I think it would be common knowledge.

-Kevin thinks it's a lie.

-I agree, I think we'd already know, so I think it's a lie.

-OK. We'll go for a lie.

You're saying it's a lie. Terry, were you telling the truth or were you telling a lie?

-Oh.

-Sorry.

-Well, I never!

Yes, it's true, Terry did deliberately set fire to his colleagues' script

whilst they were live on air. At least they can laugh about it now.

They can't move their hands, but they can laugh.

It was a prank.

Kevin, you're next.

I once found a suitcase and took it to the police station.

When they opened it, it contained 34 bunches of bananas.

-David.

-Where did you find the suitcase?

-At a train station.

-There are lots of...

-Do you want a specific train station?

I'm just thinking, you're in a train station,

you see a suitcase, you think, "I must take that to the police".

That's potentially a bad approach.

No, it was just lying and I'd said to people, "Is that your suitcase?"

and it was in the climate of fear and I thought, "Maybe I should be a good citizen", so I took the suitcase

and I headed straight to the British Transport Police guy and told him what had happened.

So you moved the suitcase you thought might be a bomb.

Did you also give it a good rattle to check whether it was a bomb?

I didn't think it was a bomb, I thought somebody had left their case.

That'd have been the response to a climate of forgetfulness, not fear.

-I panicked.

-Who opened the suitcase to divulge all those bananas?

I came in and the British Transport Police guy took it in his office

and then they scanned it with whatever they scan it with...

-Those things.

-Yeah, Waitrose. How much are bananas?

How much are bananas?

At the heart of this is, why would anybody put

34 bunches of bananas into a suitcase?

That's exactly what the chief terror inspector said. He was baffled, that's why.

Did they ever find this guy?

-I never kept up to date, I don't have a clue, I just left it.

-You haven't kept in touch?

-No.

Well, he's here tonight.

# I'm the king of the swingers. #

What I doubt here is that, if you've taken a piece

of unattended luggage to the police, I don't think they're going to then immediately open it or...

-Well, it was no longer unattended when I got to the police cos I...

-No, but...

That won't reassure them because you're saying, "I've no idea whether or not this has a bomb in it."

-You don't use the word "bomb" in this situation. I just...

-Did you do a mime?

I'm worried this might be a...

HE MOUTHS

-Then he opened it and went...

-HE MOUTHS

Right, we need a decision, truth or lie?

-Do you think it's a lie?

-I do, really. I think it's a lie.

-Well, we'll say it's a lie.

You'll say it's a lie. Kevin, were you telling the truth?

It's a lie.

APPLAUSE

Yes, it was a very big lie.

Kevin didn't take a suitcase containing 34 bunches of bananas

to a police station. Next up, Robert Webb.

As a child, I had so many imaginary friends, we formed an imaginary gang.

-Lee.

-Did the gang have a name?

-Yes, the gang were called the Gy-bies.

-The what?

-The Gy-bies?

-They were called the Gy-bies.

-How are you spelling that?

I never had cause to spell it. you're talking about...

If you had to spell it now, how would you spell it?

G... G-Y...hyphen...

Bi... B-I-E-S.

How many were in the gang?

-Quite a few, 12.

-Same number as apostles.

Well, it does...

-It does occur to me that this was a harmless little messiah complex.

-Right.

So, did you appoint yourself head of the imaginary gang?

Yeah, I was basically Jesus.

Do you still keep in touch with the rest of the gang?

No. They were imaginary friends so they sort of disappeared as soon as I stopped thinking about them.

Did you have names for the Gy-bies?

I borrowed names from people I knew at school and my brother.

They were like Mark and Andrew and...all the apostles! No.

They were, yeah, and Chris.

And Judas. >

-Chris isn't a disciple.

-Chris and obviously Judas Iscariot.

Yes.

Did you have a favourite Gy-bi?

Chris was good.

Did they have a rival gang? Was there a feud or anything like that?

Well, there was always... Our main enemy was the Joker,

which I think - I THINK - I borrowed from Batman.

-What would he do, the Joker?

-Oh, just, you know, rob banks and stuff and we would,

you know, chase him on our bike.

-All 12 or 13 of you?

-Well, I mean, they were very good at getting on the back of the bike.

You were like a Red Cross display team, weren't you?

Well, imagine them sort of diagonally...stacked.

Did you all sleep in one bed?

-Oh, I don't... They weren't really...

-Into it.

LAUGHTER

As much as I encouraged the gay boys - the Gy-bies...

They were very much a pre-sexual phenomenon.

Have we established why they were called the Gy-bies?

No, it's just a sort of sound that children make. Well, that this child made.

Well, you see, the thing is,

"Gy-bies" sounds like baby talk. It might be like just some words

that you formulated... But you also were aware of Marvel Comic enemies at that age too.

-Batman wasn't a Marvel character.

-Batman wasn't Marvel?

-No.

Marvel's Spider-Man, Captain America, the Hulk.

Superman was Action Comics.

LEE SNORES

I hate him when he does that Stephen Fry thing, don't you?

-All that knowledge.

-AS WOGAN: All that knowledge.

An answer is what we need, so, go now.

Just a minute, are you doing me again?

I'm flirting round the edges of you, Terry.

If you're not careful, I'll set fire to you.

Right, what are you saying? Truth or lie?

Sounds plausible, young guy, read a few comics, read the Bible,

merged the two in his head and formed the Gy-bies.

Wow, it's like having Inspector Frost in the studio with us.

Katy, which way are you leaning?

I think he clearly has a wonderful imagination, that's clear.

-So I think it's true.

-OK, we'll say it's true.

You'll say true, OK. Robert Webb, truth or lie?

It is a true thing.

Well done, team.

Yes, it was all true.

When Robert was a child he did form an imaginary gang from his many imaginary friends.

You know, it may seem odd but loads of people have tons of imaginary friends.

It's called, "Being on Facebook."

At the end of that round, David's team have three points and Lee's team have two.

APPLAUSE

Our next round is called This Is My, where we bring on

a mystery guest who has a close connection to one of our panellists.

Each of Lee's team will claim they have the genuine connection

to the guest and David's team have to spot who's telling the truth.

So please welcome this week's special guest, Tony.

APPLAUSE

Kevin, we'll start with you, what is your relationship with Tony?

This is my mate Tony. we were once questioned by the police

for stealing a life-sized cardboard cut out of Hugh Grant.

Katy, how do you know Tony?

This is Tony and he freed me from a vending machine when I got my foot stuck in the push compartment.

Lee, how do you know Tony?

This is Tony and, until today, I had never met this man before

but the person that was supposed to be doing this tonight

didn't turn up, so I grabbed the first person I saw outside the studio.

So there we have it, Kevin's partner in crime, Katy's snack-machine saviour, or Lee's stand-in man.

Right, David, off you go.

Well, Lee's one is quite difficult to cross-examine isn't it?

Essentially, what Lee's saying is "Here's Tony, he's a random bloke".

Who was supposed to come, Lee?

Well, had it gone to plan today, I would have said,

"This is Graham and he's my self-defence instructor", because I'm learning self defence.

Right, what happened to Graham? Did he get beaten up?

The story I am told is that he hurt his arm this morning,

during the self-defence class and then, very late in the day, he got in the car

to come here and had some turn because of his pain-killers

and cancelled and said, "I can't come".

Well, it's a sad old story there.

So what was Tony doing here before you found him?

-He's a joiner, which is somebody that puts wood together.

-Thank you.

I didn't want you thinking he was somebody that just randomly joined clubs.

-He's just a very sociable guy.

-"I'm a joiner." "Where you're going?" "To join a club."

"What are you doing?" "The Gy-bies." "Yeah, OK."

Where were you in the complex?

I'm not sure how good this is for national television,

but I was outside that door where some people go out for a cigarette.

-I think you're aware of that door, David.

-I am.

I'm sorry, if David's parents are watching, to break the news like this,

David, occasionally, pff, does that and I'm not talking cigarettes, either.

No. For me it will always be the heroin door.

What sort of incentive did you offer this good man to come here and make a complete numpty of himself?

Well... Well, answer the man, Rob.

Oh, that's... That's... Oh.

The rejected Chuckle Brother has got the better of me again.

OK, well, I must say, Lee's story is incredibly plausible.

TERRY: And incredibly tedious.

I mean, that's why it rings so true.

Kevin, your partner in crime. What did this man do with you?

I think crime's a strong word, Terry, from a man who has got arson in his past.

We were questioned by the police - not charged -

for stealing a life-sized cardboard cut-out of Hugh Grant.

What were you going to do with Hugh Grant?

We'd went to a Blockbuster Video and nothing really caught our eye,

except the life-size cardboard cut-out of Hugh Grant.

What, sorry, I didn't understand a word of that.

POSH ENGLISH ACCENT: We went to Blockbuster Video, OK?

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE I knew it was that!

POSH ENGLISH ACCENT: And nothing caught our eye, Terry.

Finally, he's talking normal.

-Which shows to every Scottish person, if you'd just made a bit of effort...

-Yeah.

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

NORMAL ACCENT: And so we'd seen the life-sized cut-out of Hugh Grant on the way out.

It was threatening to be a dull evening until we seen this and we thought,

"We'll steal this and have a laugh on the way home."

We were walking home, a police car pulled up and said, "Where are you going with Hugh Grant, lads?"

The police guy could not see the funny side at all and decided

to put him in the passenger seat, put us two in the back and drive...

And drive us to the police station to be questioned.

-We haven't touched on Katy yet.

-No, we haven't.

-You've been told, Terry!

We told you quite clearly before we started.

-Where was the vending machine?

-It was at Cardiff Central train station.

What did the vending machine vend?

What is this thing you call "love", human?

It vended the normal stuff - drinks, chocolate bars.

What were you doing with your foot in it?

I'd put the money in and I was trying to get a drink and I could see that it'd come out a bit

but not properly and after trying to get it out with my hands I tried my foot.

And it got stuck.

-Yes.

-But was it a little hole or a big slot?

It was like a tray thing.

And how did this fine man help you?

He was working at the train station.

And he clocked it and came along and said, "D'you want a hand?"

And you said, "We must keep in touch"?

"Can I have your e-mail address?"

-We didn't stay in touch but I knew how to find him.

-How did you find him?

Because he's still working at Cardiff Central.

What I don't understand, the thing's fallen down

and you're having difficulty getting it out with your hand.

-Correct.

-Now hands are basically better than feet.

Yes, I thought you'd say that.

If the hand can't do it, why is the foot going to develop the knack?

No, my logic was, I'd tried with the hands and I thought sort of a kick - brute force...

-Ah.

-..might work instead. That was the logic.

Was it the sort of door? Often the slot at the bottom has got a sort of door, hasn't it?

-Yes, it had a door.

-I offered slot and she called it a tray.

-It's not a tray, is it?

-It's not a tray.

-A tray would be removable.

This is like good cop, Gy-Bi cop.

How did he release the foot? What exactly did he do?

-He had a key to open the front bit.

-So you just went back - "Whoa!"

-Yes, yes.

What do you think is the most plausible story, Terry?

I think... Once again I may be putting my faith, as indeed I have throughout my life, in a woman.

So you believe Katy.

He looks Welsh.

Lee or Kevin, I'm having some difficulty.

Guys, I need some consensus.

Having trouble picturing the foot lodged in the tray.

If you're saying you're going towards Lee, you have to then accept

-that he is having self-defence lessons.

-Um...

-Oh, that's a good point, yes.

Because if, you know, you know.

Why are you getting self-defence lessons?

Well, because my wife decided to take self-defence lessons

and asked me to come with her. We have private lessons - he comes round to the house.

-I wasn't expecting it was on the NHS.

-I'm sure money is a problem.

What are you going to say, chaps?

Is Tony Kevin's Hugh Grant thief...

-MIMICS HUGH GRANT:

-Gosh crikey, crikey gosh.

..Katy's vending-machine hero or Lee's last resort?

-I don't know.

-I don't know.

-Oh, dear.

-I think maybe Kevin... Kevin, I think I'd go for Kevin.

And you think it's Katy.

I don't know so I'm going to say, we think it's Katy.

OK. Tony, would you please reveal your true identity?

I'm Tony and me and Kevin did steal a life-sized Hugh Grant cut-out.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Were there any charges?

No, it was a caution.

And you're proud of it, aren't you? I see the... There's real pride in your face.

You feel you should have a Duke of Edinburgh award, don't you?

Thank you very much, Tony.

Well, he looked Welsh!

Which brings us to our final round, Quickfire Lies. We'll start with...

It's David Mitchell.

When I was 12, I saved up all my pocket money and bought a rowing boat that I never used.

Lee.

Right, how much was the boat?

I think it was about £120.

How much did you make, pocket money a week?

Oh, two grand, something like that.

No, I can't remember but I think it would be something like one pound.

Whoa, whoa, whoa. You earned a pound a week pocket money, the boat was £120.

-I had the occasional windfall.

-Birthdays.

-What's the windfall? Oh, I see.

-Christmas and birthdays.

-What, like the lottery?

Christmas and birthdays and the other festival only our family did.

-Where were you planning to go in this boat?

-I planned to sort of row around in it when on holiday.

And how did you propose to get it on holiday? You had your eye on a nice Ford Fiesta with a tow bar?

No, at that age I would often holiday with my parents.

-"Who shall I holiday with this year? Parents!"

-It seemed to go tremendously well before.

"Parents, I've got a proposal for you."

And what stopped the plan?

Basically, the boat was a bit too big.

A bit too big for what, the sea?

"Every time I pushed it into the water, it kept hitting France."

"I can't get it into the..."

"Try it sideways, David."

-Where did you keep it?

-It was, I think, in our front garden.

-You think.

-Yeah.

Did you ever sit in the boat in the front garden, rowing, pretending, with a knotted hankie?

So, which way are you going to go with it? Truth or lie.

-What do we think, Katy?

-I sort of, yeah, I think it's true.

I'll go for... I'll go for a lie.

I would say that it's a lie.

You're saying it's a lie. OK, David, truth or lie?

It is true.

Yes, it's true.

When David was 12, he did spend all his pocket money on a rowing boat that he never used.

Interestingly, David is one of the few people to own a boat they can never use,

who hasn't been a contestant on Bullseye.

LAUGHTER

Next.

It's Lee.

After an incident with a permanent marker,

I had to go to my son's parents' evening

with a moustache and glasses drawn on my face.

David's team, do you believe that?

OK, who drew this on your face or did you do it to yourself?

Yes. I did it to myself(!)

I was on the way to my son's parents' evening and thinking, "I haven't got a tie.

"Oh, I know, I'll pretend I'm somebody else instead."

What happened?

I was asleep one afternoon, my wife thought it'd be funny if my son drew

the thing on the face, so she said, "Go and get one of your felts"

cos the felts are the washable ones. He started drawing on my face.

I woke up, I laughed a bit, I let him carry on.

Then we looked at the pen, realised it was permanent marker

When I went to wash it off, it came off a bit but not enough and we were late so we just had to go.

Can't you try, I don't know, white spirit or something?

-Doesn't that work?

-I could have tried a blow torch as well.

-No, no, no, I mean...

-Cillit Bang.

What sort of moustache was it? Was it a twirly one or just a more Hitler-type thing, or...?

Couldn't go into your son's school with a Hitler one, could you?

Well, you definitely couldn't, David. That would be wrong.

So, David, which way?

You think it's a lie? And you think it's a lie. We're going to say it's a lie.

-You're going to say that it's a lie. OK, Lee, truth or lie?

-It is...

-a lie.

-Ah, yes, you.

It's a lie. Lee didn't go to his son's parents' evening

with a moustache and glasses drawn on his face. Next.

Terry.

Every year I signal the start of Christmas dinner by taking my seat opposite Mrs Wogan

and firing a pistol loaded with a blank or blanks.

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

Marvellous.

Lee, what do you think?

I've always wanted to say this, it's like a dream come true.

-AS WOGAN:

-Is it the current Mrs Wogan?

Yes, the poor soul.

have you ever set fire to her?

In ways that I will not divulge.

Classy.

-Where did you get this pistol from?

-I have a gun licence.

I didn't ask you that.

You can answer whatever questions you like, Sir Terry.

And I wouldn't be afraid to use it.

These are blanks, it's a simple... it's a simple tradition.

-How did it start?

-Years ago, my father did it before me.

-Why did he do it?

Until the accident!

No, things, you know, develop in families - little traditions.

The fun starts in the Wogan household with a pistol shot.

It's a bit frightening at first for the grandchildren, but...

but they get over it.

And they know that it's the beginning of the great festival

that, that Grandad...

has fired his pistol.

And time to get the bird out.

-Right, Lee.

-Kevin, what do we think?

-I think it's a lie.

-Kevin's saying a lie. Katy, what are you saying.

-Katy?

It seems a very dangerous thing to do with your family around.

-I think it's a lie.

-You say lie.

-I say it's a lie.

-You say it's a lie.

Terry, is it true or is it a lie?

Ha-ha-ha!

Thank God. >

Yes, it's a lie.

Terry does not signal the start of Christmas dinner by firing a pistol loaded with a blank or blanks.

Although Terry does have a strict Christmas-dinner routine.

He asks Mrs Wogan if she wants stuffing and then, two hours later, they enjoy a cold lunch.

BUZZER

That noise signals time's up, and it's the end of the show

and I can reveal that, in an exciting finish, David's team have won by six points to three.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

But, of course, it's not just a team game,

and my individual liar of the week this week is...

Sir Terry Wogan.

Thank you, I don't deserve that.

Yes, Sir Terry Wogan, who's such an unscrupulous liar

he makes Eurovision voting look above board.

Good night.

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