Episode 1 Would I Lie to You?

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Good evening and welcome to Would I Lie To You?

The show where fabrication is the name of the game.

On David Mitchell's team tonight,

star of the award-winning sitcom, The Thick Of It, who says

most MPs claim to love the show.

My God, MPs will claim for anything! It's Rebecca Front!

APPLAUSE

And a splendid comedian who's so young that, last year,

he won Funniest Embryo at the Edinburgh Festival. Jack Whitehall!

APPLAUSE

And joining Lee Mack tonight, as the hapless clumsy star of Miranda,

she recently picked up three comedy awards,

then dropped two, tripped over the red carpet

and threw wine into the crotch of Colin Firth.

It's Miranda Hart!

APPLAUSE

And a man whose "will they won't they" relationship with Margaret

made The Apprentice a hotbed of sexual tension for five series,

Nick Hewer!

APPLAUSE

And we start with Round One, it's Home Truths,

where panellists read a statement from a card in front of them.

They've never seen the card before.

So they have no idea what they'll be faced with,

It's up to the opposing team to separate the facts from the fibs.

Nick, you're going to be first.

When filming is over for the day, Lord Sugar and I sometimes wind down

by playing ping pong on the boardroom table.

LAUGHTER

-That's a hell of a story.

-True.

David, what do you think? Have a minute just to let it sink in.

You don't play on a proper table tennis table...?

No. You can buy...

It's underneath actually in the boardroom,

it's rolled up.

And then you unroll it and you clamp it on the boardroom table,

stretched across, and you're in business.

Is it just a net, or is there also?

No, we don't have the lines.

Not a mat with lines, no.

The table is slightly bigger than regulation size.

Right.

-Is it not also curved?

-Curved?!

I thought it was curved.

-You're thinking of Loose Women.

-That's the one, yeah.

It's difficult to tell watching on television.

But how much room is there at the ends of the table?

Oh, plenty.

-OK, I'll believe you.

-Ample.

You have to be able to back off quite a way

playing table tennis properly, I happen to know.

Can we stamp on this immediately?

Lord Sugar's boardroom is plenty big enough for almost everything.

And yet, you play table tennis!

LAUGHTER

Where do you keep the bats, are they under the table?

-Under the table.

-She's left now, hasn't she?

LAUGHTER

-Are you talking about Margaret?

-Not Margaret, no, no, not her!

I'll tell her. Margaret's no bat.

Tell us how this whole thing started.

It was my idea.

You crazy fool.

It was my idea.

But the point is that, it's a fairly long drawn out process.

It is tense, it is nerve-wracking, particularly for...

The game of table tennis?

..For Karen and I.

Because we don't know what on Earth's going on.

Only Lord Sugar is master of all this.

I murmured to him once that I find it very difficult,

and he said, "Don't worry, next time I'll bring in a net and some balls

"and some bats, and it'll help you relax."

-And it grew out of that.

-LAUGHTER

Nothing strange about that.

What does Karen do? If you're playing table...

-She's umpire.

-She's umpire?

She's got a very keen eye.

-What do you think, David?

-I think this is absolute nonsense,

albeit it convincingly told.

If Alan Sugar wanted to play ping-pong,

he'd have a proper table tennis table to play on.

-So, we think it's not true. No.

-You think it's a lie?

-Yes.

Nick, truth or lie?

It's a damned lie.

Very, very convincingly told though. >

It was a lie. Nick doesn't wind down by playing ping-pong

on the boardroom table with Lord Sugar.

Jack, you're next.

I was once commissioned to paint a portrait of Gyles Brandreth's cat.

LAUGHTER

Are you going to point out to the younger viewers

who Gyles Brandreth is?

Gyles Brandreth presents strands of The One Show, and he was an MP,

and he wears jumpers.

This is a picture of him, OK.

How did he hear about you?

I did a lot of art around the area, not like graffiti, but...

What is this area?

-Um. Barnes.

-OK.

-And I've always been an artist.

-What was the cat called?

That, I can't remember the name of the cat. It was a black cat.

-Right.

-Lucky.

-Lucky.

How much did you get paid?

A hundred and, like, thirty pounds.

-A hundred and, like, thirty pounds?

-And also, I'm allergic to cats, so...

Danger money! >

But it was like, no, it was 130 quid and I was 18 at the time.

So, at that stage of my life, I would have worn the cat as a mask.

-How did you paint it? >

-They didn't ask that.

Did the cat pose for you or did you?

I had to do sittings with the cat.

-Shut up, come on now!

-I did. I did.

You do not paint a cat and go, "Cat, sit on that for three hours,

"I'll just..." The cat moves about.

It kept moving. The most annoying cat. "Please, sit down."

A cat's not gonna sit on a stool while you're painting its picture!

"I'll be fine for three hours, paint me." It's a cat!

You can totally do a sitting with a cat, cats are very sedentary.

They stay in one place all the time. You can't command the cat.

But you tell if it is a good moment, the cat seems to be fine...

-What position was the cat in, in the painting?

-Like, sort of, that.

No, come on.

It was! No, it wasn't...

-It was like this, sat like that.

-What's that about? >

That's how cats sit, like that.

-With their hands on their knees?

-> It's a normal thing like that.

You go, "Oh, Jack's doing a cat impression." That's a cat!

-So the cat is sitting or standing, I'm trying...

-< Sitting!

Do you want me to do it like that? There.

Anyone with half a brain would have taken a picture of the thing,

-gone home and painted it at home wouldn't they?

-I love this man.

I would have done that but I didn't have that choice.

She insisted that I come so that I could sort of get to know the cat.

-I know Gyles Brandreth.

-< Do you know his cat?

-I know his wife. What's his wife's name?

-She's called Michele.

-Is his wife Michele? Were you bluffing?

-< It is!

-Do you know Gyles Brandreth's wife?

-No.

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

You were quite a good artist, reasonably good, if he's paid £130.

-Yeah.

-OK, no, that's fine, stay there.

Draw me a cat.

I should at this point tell viewers at home that,

whilst we do like to receive your paintings,

we can't return any of them.

The suspense is... David is captivated!

-It's actually rather good.

-David's face is going, this is pretty good.

-It's hard to do it quite quickly, obviously.

-That's fine... >

For David, this is an extreme sport.

If people have just turned over,

they're gonna be thinking, what on Earth is David looking at?

LAUGHTER

OK, Jack, reveal the cat.

LAUGHTER

APPLAUSE

That's very good.

Lee, it's time to make up your mind.

What do you think about Jack's story?

Is he telling the truth or is he in fact telling us a lie?

I'm right down the middle.

Gyles, does he know you at this point? No.

He knew me through the family, through mother. My mum.

LAUGHTER

He knew me through mother.

Jack, you're succeeding in making David look positively working class.

I barely need to be here this week.

I can't give it to him, I think it's a dreadful lie.

It's 100% true, honestly.

You two fight it out, I'm not getting involved.

-It's definitely true.

-I'll go with you because I like you.

Oh... Touch me.

OK, they're both saying true, and I don't want to argue with the team,

so I'd better say it's true.

Jack, true or lie?

It is...

..true.

-Art.

-I knew it.

-Art.

-Well done.

-Well, done, team.

Yes, it's true.

And this is the most exciting part of all.

We've got the painting here.

Now this has been lent to us by the Brandreths,

Gyles and Michele,

and this is a bit special. Get ready.

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

I'm so sorry, I'm not... >

Argh! >

-Oh, my God! >

-It's terrible. >

I'm not being cruel, right, but that looks a bit like a dog to me.

Well, here's the thing.

That is the most canine cat I've ever seen.

Here's the other thing. We've also got a photo of the cat

and we're going to do a very modern split screen effect.

Look at this, ready. Look at that!

It's not bad.

That is eerie.

I was like 17 when I did it.

Yes, it's true, Jack was commissioned

to paint a portrait of Gyles Brandreth's cat.

APPLAUSE

Our next round is called This Is My,

where we bring on a mystery guest who has a close connection

to one of our panellists.

So, please welcome this week's special guest, Zazi.

APPLAUSE

-So, Miranda, we'll start with you. How do you know Zazi?

->

This is Zazi, and we once had a trial together

for a professional ladies' football team.

But we didn't make the grade.

There we are. Miranda's footballing friend.

Lee, how do you know Zazi?

This is Zay-zi.

I once cut off her pony tail on the school bus,

thinking she was my mate, Paul.

Right, Lee's short-haired schoolmate.

Nick, what's your relationship with Zazi?

Zazi, my neighbour's daughter.

She offered to mend my computer

and inadvertently emailed to everybody in my address book

a picture of my big toe.

So there we have it.

Miranda's failed footballer,

Lee's cropped classmate or Nick's accidental e-mailer.

David?

So, Miranda,

what was the professional football team you tried out for?

It was for...

QPR Rangers.

No, QPR.

QPR?

So what age were you?

Er, about, sort of early twenties.

Early twenties?

Isn't that, that quite old to be breaking into professional football?

You haven't seen QPR play, have you?

BOOING FOLLOWED BY LAUGHTER

-What position did you play?

-Well, we, we were just sort of

tipping up and...

..and seeing.

< So, just seeing...

Can you imagine if this is what she'd have done on the day?

A lot of happy memories of your footballing past, obviously.

-You'd be good at the team talk.

-Yeah.

We were just hoping that they'd see us,

and say, "Oh, you're a defender."

I don't know why I'm finding this so funny.

Had you, when you turned up to try out,

had you ever played football before?

No.

No, you thought, football's probably a thing that involves practice,

you've either got it or you haven't.

I'll wait until I'm 23.

I'll turn up at QPR

and they'll probably let me in the team and there I am, sorted.

Yeah, we played a bit at university, I'm actually crying, now.

-So you had played?

-We played a bit at university,

mucked about, and we thought, hey, you know, we're quite good.

Just you and Zazi playing or were there other people in this team?

We had some male friends who were in to football and we lived with them.

And we, one day, probably, you know, trying to impress, said,

"Oh, we'll come and play football with you."

And they were thrilled!

And they said, "Hey you've got some skills," you know.

OK. So, Nick, what went wrong with your computer?

Running slow, grindingly slow.

Why didn't you contact a proper computer person?

Maybe she is, who happens to be your neighbour's daughter.

Very simply, because we know them very well.

I know she did a computer course at university.

Why would I spend a fortune when Zazi can come in for a tenner?

Why was there a picture of your big toe on this computer?

One of the issues was, it obviously was clogged up with stuff

and I needed it purged.

And I told her that there were various folders that needed to go.

My medical folder had to be deleted.

A number of other folders.

My doctor is in London. We live in the country.

I had had a very, nasty accident,

stubbed my toe, heavy bruising.

The threat of a lost nail.

I thought that I would e-mail it to the doctor

and he would then e-mail back advice.

That was some time ago and I wanted it now deleted.

And, of course, she wasn't quite as good

at her computing skills as I had hoped she was,

or indeed that she had claimed.

You are terrifying.

No. I don't like to say this in front of her, but she had been drinking.

And she pressed the e-mail thing and 700 people,

including business contacts, serious people, were e-mailed a picture of this battered toe.

And that's it.

-Including Sir Alan Sugar?

-Yes.

-He was the first to get it.

-He received a picture of your toe?

-He sent one back of his!

It was actually quite a bruising experience because people didn't find it at all funny.

Lee.

-Yes.

-You, you pronounce Zazi's name Zay-zee.

That's the kind of guy I am, I'm a maverick.

And you were at school with Zazi.

Well, yes, and before it's pointed out, I was in a different year, yes.

OK. How much older?

Oh, I think there was about four years difference.

But you cut off Zazi's pony tail.

Can I just point out we weren't actually at the same school,

I should get that in really.

We were on the, we call it the school bus, it wasn't a school bus that was only for schoolchildren.

-It was the bus I got to school.

-So you weren't going to school?

It was a public bus and she was a child you didn't know on the bus.

It's starting to sound like a court case, David, can you back off?

-And you attacked her head with a sharp object.

-I didn't attack her. I did not attack a child on the bus.

Sorry, you mistook a child's head for the head of one of your friends.

Yeah, I was about fifteen, I don't know what she was...

Three!

Why did you want to cut off Paul's pony tail?

Well, Paul's pony tail I always found a little bit annoying.

I mean, let's face it, have you ever seen a pony tail on a man and not wanted to cut it off?

But still, it's still a bit of a step to actually have a go, isn't it?

Cos after all it's up to people how they have their hair. It's not up to you, is it, Lee?

Trust me David, if it was up to me, you wouldn't be having your hair like that.

Likewise!

Thank you.

Was Paul somewhere else on the bus?

Yes, Paul was sat next to me and he went, hey go over there and cut my hair off.

"Paul stay there, I'll do it now!" I was a gullible fool.

This is an environment which you don't know Paul's on the bus at all,

you just see the back of a little girl and go, there's Paul,

where are my scissors?

I thought you might know Paul was somewhere on the bus and then you

see the pony tail oh, you've only got a moment, quick snip.

You don't even know Paul's there, you're just seeing pony tails and snipping away

despite the fact that Paul is apparently wearing a little dress.

So David what are you thinking here?

I'm slightly inclined to believe Lee.

What do you think about Miranda's story about the football trial?

That seemed...

that very much came to life, didn't it?

She certainly seemed to know a lot about football so I was impressed with that.

-I think it might be Nick and his suppurating toe.

-E-mailing of the toe and what about you, Jack?

-I reckon it's Nick.

-And what about you, David?

Well, I don't know, I'm stuck, but my two team mates agree

so I'm happy to go along with them.

Nick and it's the toe and it's the e-mail?

-Yeah.

-Zazi would you please reveal your true identity.

I'm Zazi and Miranda and I once tried out for a professional football team.

APPLAUSE

Yes, Zazi did try out for a ladies professional football team with Miranda,

thank you very much, Zazi.

Time now for some high speed lying, in our final round Quickfire Lies and we'll start with

David Mitchell.

I killed a rat with my BAFTA.

I really hope that's true!

-I want that to be true.

-That's brilliant if it is true.

-He got a BAFTA?

Yes, I know.

Where was the rat?

The rat was in some bin bags that were sort of outside,

sort of round the corner from my kitchen.

Can I ask a question, is this the BAFTA you won when one of the other nominees was me?

I don't want to make you feel small Rob, but, it was the other one.

How did you kill it?

I didn't mean to kill it.

Whoa, whoa, whoa. you didn't mean to kill it.

Just meant to award it with the BAFTA.

I run into the flat, I grabbed the BAFTA.

-Where is the BAFTA in the flat?

-It's on a bookshelf.

-Right, on display.

-Oh, absolutely yeah, it's got lights round it.

It's in what I call my "me" room.

I then go outside with the BAFTA, I hold the BAFTA at arm's length,

sort of over where the bin bags were and I drop it.

-And then scuttle round the corner...

-So you drop it with the idea of just shoo, that sort of?

Sort of shoo, but maybe I'm entertaining the possibility

of injuring it and I don't like that side of myself.

-And by absolute coincidence, it's landed right down on the rat.

-Bang.

-Wow.

-And then there's silence.

Look at you.

Now that's where you're wrong.

-Right.

-Why?

-You'd get a squeal.

Just a little, "I'd like to thank my family" and then it would die.

I know about rats.

-So have you killed a rat?

-Yeah, my dogs kill rats.

-And did it squeal.

-Squeal like hell.

Well, dogs are much crueller than BAFTAs.

-Truth or lie?

-Oh, I'm really torn on this one, what d'you think, Nick?

No, you attack a rat from a distance,

you do not go hunting into your "me" room looking for something heavy.

-You think it's a lie, you're not sure.

-I'm utterly confused.

Well, then I'm going to go for lie but there's a bit of me that

-just thinks it could be true, I'll say lie.

-Saying lie.

-Yeah.

-David, truth or lie?

-It is a lie.

Yee-ha.

Well done, well done team.

Yes, it's a lie, David didn't kill a rat with his BAFTA.

You mustn't get obsessed by meaningless awards as I was telling my children.

Oscar, Emmy and Brit only yesterday!

Next. Er, that's me.

This is the sweatshirt that my wife and I put on together when we

are cosying up on a chilly evening, we call it the cuddle jumper.

True!

Can I just ask for the full demonstration with Nick, would that be all right?

-Can we see you model?

-Nick, can you model with Rob the cuddle jumper?

-Prefer not to.

-Well, we all prefer not to that's why I got in quick.

Cos I know where it was heading.

You can cuddle with him and you can...

-I have to get in there.

-Come on, Nick.

I know you've not done it before, think of yourself as a bit of an apprentice with this, there we go,

stick your left arm in there.

It's quite nice actually.

You can just sit on my lap there, Nick.

Right, ask...

Who wants to ask first, both teams.

Nick, how does it feel?

Yeah oh... that's my phone, by the way!

Hard to describe accurately.

Nick, will you help me and turn this way?

Because our, our...

I'm not doing anything, I am not doing anything...!

Our television room is very draughty so...

What are you doing? Whoa!

Come back, it's very draughty

and we saw this on a shopping channel

and we ordered it for a laugh and it's actually...

I mean you'd have to admit it's very cosy.

He looks like a ventriloquist's dummy now.

I'll tell you what, Orville's let himself go, hasn't he?

So we ordered it, we don't wear it every night but we do wear it sometimes.

Is this the position you'll be in where the, your wife will be stuck on top?

No, because we have more than one chair in our television room, so we sit on the sofa side by side.

But we haven't got a sofa so we can't.

Have you got more than one jumper?

It's a cuddle jumper.

Why don't you wear jumpers and cuddle up.

Why did you get it in orange?

We wanted that Guantanamo feel, you know.

-Do they have pants too?

-No.

You could have pants couldn't you, three legs.

Are you suggesting that you lose the pants?

-Does the design lend itself to intimacy?

-Yes.

Not tonight, it doesn't!

-Time for a guess, what are you going to say, Lee?

-Er, Miranda?

I just really hope...

I want to get in your jumper now.

Thank you, that's quite nice, I like it.

Rebecca, Rebecca this does put some pressure on you.

-Nobody's getting in mine.

-It's either mine or David's trousers.

-So what d'you think, Lee?

-I don't want to rush it, I'm really cosy.

So what are you saying truth or lie?

Um...

BOTH: What's happening? Um...

BOTH: We think

it's a...

-Lie.

-Truth!

It's a try.

Hang on, we have to consult our other team member, come over here.

-Do we think it's true or a lie?

-I don't know what the question is.

The question is, does he cuddle...

does he cuddle up to his wife with this jumper?

-In this jumper.

-No.

-No.

-It's a lie.

-Nick.

-Got strong thighs, this boy.

And you've got a very bony bum.

David, what about you and Rebecca and Jack, what do you think?

-I think it might be true.

-I think it's true.

-In a bizarre, perverse other universe.

-Quick as you like.

-We'll go for true then.

-You're saying true and what are you saying?

-Oh, I forgot.

-Lie.

-Let's go back and ask Nick. We said it's a lie.

You're saying it's a lie. Well, I can tell you it's actually a lie.

Now what do we do?

Hang on.

Come in here, it's great, it's great, there's room for three!

Yes, thank goodness it's a lie, it isn't the sweatshirt that my wife

and I put on together when we're cosying up on a chilly evening.

BUZZER SOUNDS

Oh, and that noise signals time is up and it's the end of the show

and I can reveal that David's team have three points, but Lee has won with five!

But it's not just a team game and my individual liar of the week is Nick Hewer.

Yes, Nick Hewer who hasn't deceived the public so much since he had a picture taken with Lord Sugar

and they both looked the same height, good night.

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