Hike to Happiness My Life

I can't. I can't do it!

What if I fall?

I'm Ellie, and I'm heading off to the mountains

with three other teenagers to go on an exciting adventure.

-ALL:

-Cheese!

-Woohoo!

-CAMERA CLICKS

But it's not a holiday.

It's a challenge,

because we all struggle with our mental health.

This week, we're going to be tested emotionally...

Stop. Breathe.

We carry on.

..mentally...

Go away!

..and physically.

I don't like this. I don't like this.

Come on, let's go!

But will we make it to the end?

ELLIE SHRIEKS

MUSIC: Bonkers by Dizzee Rascal

# Some people think I'm bonkers

# But I just think I'm free... #

My name is Ellie.

I'm 15 years old and I'm from Essex.

-We need to mash this up.

-Two plus two is four.

-Minus one, that's quick maths.

-Minus one, that's quick maths.

This is Harry, Michael and Henry.

We're travelling over a 300 miles to the Lake District

because the four of us have trouble with our mental health.

I started struggling with depression when I was about eight or nine.

I felt really different to other kids my age.

The feeling was like just not belonging,

not really knowing who I was, and feeling empty 24/7.

I would describe my depression like a bear...

BEAR GROWLS ..so some days it can be as big as the bear,

and then other days it can be a fly in the palm of the bear.

The days when it's like the whole bear are painful.

They're... They're hard days to get through, really.

When I say about my bad days,

it doesn't have to be anything that triggers them.

SHE SNIFFLES

It doesn't have to be anything said to me.

It can be as simple as me waking up out of that bed

and feeling like this for hours on end,

panic attack after panic attack.

I've been getting help for my depression for the last few years

from doctors and my family.

So you've got three thermal bottoms and three thermal tops.

Is that enough?

I live 50% of the time with my mum and 50% of the time with my dad.

-That will be enough thermals, yeah.

-For the week. And how many fleeces?

I'm feeling really nervous about the trail, actually -

being under pressure and stuff like that.

That will fold up on to the top, won't it?

Yeah, or in the bottom bit.

I'm really hoping the trail is going to help me control my mental health.

I'm looking forward to learning some new ways

to deal with some of the problems that I have.

Right.

I think that's everything.

Yeah, I think that might be close to everything.

SHE CHUCKLES

The question is, are we going to get there in time?

Like, we might get there in, like, five years.

-Feels like it.

-It's taking ages.

All four of us are hoping to achieve things over the next few days

and we're not on our own.

Jo and Teresa from the Wilderness Foundation will be

helping us along the way.

What happened to my hat?

Whoa, your head's big!

The Foundation is a charity that takes young people with

mental health problems into the mountains for therapy.

-#

-Now watch me

-You

-#

-Now watch me

-You

-#

-Michael, see?

-#

I've been away with Harry and Henry before,

but this is Michael's first trip with us.

I'm Michael, I'm 14 years old and I'm from Essex.

-Hey, what is that?

-Look at this.

I live with my mum and my two sisters,

and we have five rabbits, a cat, a dog and two tortoises.

-Come here, Flopsy.

-Flopsy...

-Look, his ears are up.

-Thank you.

-Yeah, go on, then.

I first started with anxiety towards the end of primary school.

When my anxiety starts, I get a feeling right in my stomach.

My knee will start shaking,

I'll be sniffing a lot and I'll be very fidgety.

HE SNIFFS

I will shut down. I will just close myself off.

I'll ignore everything that's going around me,

and I just find it a lot easier.

I'm really not sure what I'm planning to get out of this trail.

I just, kind of, want to find better ways to deal with my anxiety,

instead of getting so angry at people or shutting down.

I think I'm going to be quite nervous around new people there.

Are we there yet? Are we there yet?

-Are we there yet?

-No, we're not there. We're on a motorway!

-We're here!

-Yes.

It's taken over ten hours to get to the Lake District.

We're tired but excited about the next few days.

This is the lounge.

Oh, interesting.

We've been joined by Adrian, a mountain guide,

who, along with Jo, will be leading our trail.

This is so cool!

You can't complain, can you, about anything?

Kitchen.

-Oh, God.

-Jeez.

This morning I didn't really know whether I wanted to come or not,

just because I didn't know if I'd enjoy it as much as I first thought,

and also because I had no clue if I wanted to get out of bed or not.

I just, kind of, wanted to stay there

and lay there all day, to be honest.

I want to wake up tomorrow and start doing stuff,

but I need a good sleep first.

SHEEP BLEATING

I actually hate unpacking.

-Yeah.

-It does my nut in.

Today, we're setting off on our big hike.

I am quite stressed out, actually,

because of all the packing and stuff,

and my bag's extremely heavy.

It's a challenge.

We're going to cross over the stream at the bridge.

The track's up the mountain.

So, shall we head off?

-Yeah.

-Excellent.

We're climbing the Old Man of Coniston

and sleeping in tents tonight.

The mountain is over 800 metres high,

but, before we start, we need to do the important stuff -

a group selfie.

-ALL:

-Cheese!

Woohoo!

CAMERA CLICKS

It was all going OK at first, but the further we walked,

the heavier in my rucksack got,

and it started to weigh me down.

Go away.

Which way?

I don't care!

I started to get really angry.

I snapped at Henry without meaning to,

and that's when the panic attack started.

I just couldn't breathe.

I felt myself, like, lost for breath,

and I thought it was something to do with my rucksack, to be fair,

and I just started crying.

I didn't really know what was wrong.

Deep breaths. They call it belly breathing.

It calms you down, OK?

And you don't have to keep pushing through that.

You're human. Your body is talking to you.

You need to listen to your body.

-Stop. Breathe.

-OK.

You're just not centred.

We'll carry on again. OK?

All right, thank you.

OK.

That was so weird.

Jo reminds me how to calm myself down with deep breathing,

so that I'm able to continue.

Michael is well ahead.

Michael needs to slow down.

Yeah.

Michael!

Michael!

Because of my anxiety, I keep myself to myself a lot of the time,

just cos I get very nervous.

I like to be as far away from people as I can be,

and ignore everything that's going on.

I don't feel lonely when I do it.

Like, I just kind of feel in my own little space.

One hobby that really helps Michael control his anxiety is drumming.

DRUM FILL

Drumming is a release for me.

I got my first drum kit when I was about three years old.

It calms me down a lot.

While I'm playing, I feel a lot calmer,

and I, kind of, forget about everything else.

But his anxiety stops him from playing in front of an audience.

I want to perform in front of people, but I get very nervous,

with just all these eyes watching me.

It's just going to mess with my head so badly.

Like, that's my main fear.

We've been climbing for over four hours,

and we're not far from where we'll be camping for the night.

Jo wants us to do an exercise by the water.

She's asked us to find three rocks that represent our past,

present and future.

This one was about here, I think.

This is when my parents got divorced.

This one was when I was first experiencing, like,

parents arguing at quite a young age.

Having one-to-one sessions with Jo are tough, but really rewarding.

A lot of my depression and anxiety and stuff, I know it's up here.

Like, I know it doesn't come from my body.

My problem is that I'd rather sit there and do nothing about it.

Jo is a great listener and I trust her completely,

so it's easy to open up.

What are you doing differently to what you were doing there?

I want to change.

I actually want it. I'm not doing it for my parents.

I'm not doing it for my education.

I'm not doing it for you,

or for anybody but me and my heart and my future.

My mental health has mucked up my life in terms of education.

Because of the problems that I've had,

I've not been able to go to school.

I want to get back to school. I want to get my GCSEs.

I know what I want to do when I get older,

and I'm starting to learn how I should behave with my parents -

not going out at stupid o'clock,

and not doing things that I shouldn't be doing.

You know, but what you've done, Ellie,

is just embrace something so beautifully.

-Thank you, Ellie.

-It's all right.

Michael! Can you come help Henry with the tent, please?

It's really difficult putting tents up in the wind.

-LAUGHTER That was brilliant!

-What a catch!

-Did you see that?

-I caught it.

I don't like doing tents.

Tents are irritable.

I just want to eat. I'm a bit too tired.

I agree. We've climbed nearly 400 metres today, so we're all starving.

This is absolutely lovely, guys.

Thank you.

Tell me, what is this?

It's a chickpea.

And what's a chickpea?

I think it has come from a chick.

What, like an actual chick?

-ELLIE LAUGHS

-Yeah!

It's like a bean or peas or something like that.

Yeah, so it comes in a pod, you know, like a bean or a pea.

So it doesn't come out of a chicken's bum?

-No.

-Right, sweet.

So, has everybody got their hot drinks?

OK, so it'd be really nice to just hear how you felt your day went.

My lowest point was when that panic attack just...

I don't know, it just turned like that.

What about you, Michael?

What happened to your mood when you were climbing up?

At the start of the day, I didn't feel great, if I'm honest.

Cos you just shut down, didn't you?

I almost wonder if that's because you're too scared to feel,

cos if you feel, then it's going to be an emotion that

you might not be able to deal with.

Yeah, it's just...

I don't know how to react.

So you don't want to risk actually feeling something,

in case feeling something makes you react in a way that

you don't want to react.

But, you know, that feeling could be love, couldn't it?

It doesn't have to be anger.

It's been a challenging day for all of us.

It's time to hit our tents.

I don't feel good about today at all,

because I'm in my sleeping bag and I'm nice and warm,

but I know that, as soon as I get outside and start getting motivated,

I'll be all right.

I'm not really looking forward to the exercise over the rocks

because I feel like bringing back things that have happened

is kind of...

I don't want to remind myself of them.

Currently I still think about all the problems from the past...

-Yeah.

-..but I don't react to them the way I used to.

Like, now, I'll just completely ignore everything

and I'll shut down.

I don't get anything from it.

It's not helping me.

-Right, so you're staying stuck?

-Mm-hmm.

-So nothing's moving?

-Yeah.

-Yeah.

It's just me trying... I need to learn not to shut down.

I need to try and cope with it another way.

OK, and what were the other two?

I want to... I need to knuckle down so I can get my education.

And the last one?

It's just...spending more time with my mum.

We used to be so close and now we're, kind of, quite far apart now.

We argue too much.

So, yeah, I'm trying to get close like we were before.

You did a really good job. That was beautiful.

We are going to have an independence walk now,

and Adrian's going to brief you on what we're going to be doing.

What we'd like you to do is take a little bit of leadership,

so I'm going to show you where we are on this map

and I want you guys, as a team, to get us home.

See that little triangle?

That's where we're going?

All right, come on. Let's go!

Map.

Only a few minutes into our independence challenge,

and we've already lost the map.

Then I lose my footing.

I start to get annoyed when I get the map back.

I can't understand it.

I'd say we're probably about here.

No, we're a bit further down.

What? All we're doing is following a path, it's not that hard.

Well, here you go, leader, have the map. Take the map.

-I don't even need it.

-You seem to know so much about it.

It's just a piece of...easy.

-It's just easy.

-I don't need it cos I've memorised it.

-Take the map!

-All right, I'll take the map. All right, here you go.

Well, are you going to get far without that?

Henry and Harry have walked off ahead when we're supposed to be working as a team.

During our next break, we talk about how we're getting on.

We're in charge of getting them to where we need to go.

We've been set a task and we can't even accomplish it

because it's such big deal.

Cos I interpreted this Independence Day as being "find your own way",

and that's what I've... I've just been following the path.

There's a big difference between being independent

and still, between the four of us, having to get everybody

to a destination.

Like, you haven't just got you to think about.

Yeah, but it's just a bit boring, you know?

It just gets really tedious after a while.

All right, well, go, then. Just go and do whatever you want.

It doesn't really matter, does it?

Obviously I'd rather they were with us, helping, um...

Helping everyone,

but if they want to go and do their own thing,

then it's their choice, really.

Well, we haven't got a map.

Have we got to follow that dirt track down?

That's exactly what I'm thinking - is it that track or that one?

All right. Let's go, then.

Sadly, we're not completing our challenge as a team.

It just got on my nerves that we got told it was Independence Day

but then we had to, kind of, work in a team, and that's not independent.

I got told that I got the wrong end of the stick.

I got a little bit annoyed,

and it was a situation I didn't really want to be in.

What were we doing this time last night, guys?

Sleeping. Oh, no, we weren't.

-We were sitting in the wind.

-It's 7.10.

Yeah, the tents were up.

But we've got to put this behind us,

because we have bigger challenges to face.

MUSIC: Lose Yourself by Eminem

Jo, how far away is it?

So, I would imagine that we've got about another five minutes.

Today we're visiting a slate mine.

-Are you looking forward to it?

-No!

But we won't be walking down the 40-metre quarry -

we'll be abseiling.

Whoa!

I don't like it but I need to take a photo.

How long are the ropes?

There's plenty, Harry.

All you need is a rope to touch the floor. You'll be fine.

So, step into all three loops, and then pick up the big waistband.

Excited but anxious.

I think it is just that concept of knowing, at any point,

you could just fall,

and that scares me.

And I'm not the only one who feels scared.

I'm a little bit nervous,

but I'll just get it over and done with.

Good.

I've got a massive fear of heights.

I think it's a little voice in the back of my head

saying that something will go wrong

and, like, the rope will snap,

but I've got to, like, try and keep that voice quiet,

and just crack on and do it.

When it's your turn, just trust yourself.

You need to be able to lean back.

So, weight onto the rope, feet wide apart,

feet flat against the rock, and then feed the rope out bit by bit.

I'm really scared.

Tell my mum I love her.

I can't do this.

I can't...

So, lean back. Lean back a little bit further.

-ELLIE BREATHES DEEPLY What if I fall?

-You won't.

-You're not going to.

-How do you know?

Cos I know.

I can't.

-Yeah?

-I'm scared I'm just going to...

-You won't, you won't.

-OK.

Go on. A bit of trust, a bit of trust. There you go.

Keep leaning back. The further you lean back, the easier it becomes.

-I know that sounds a really strange concept.

-I can't...

That's it. That's it. That's it, perfect.

ELLIE SHRIEKS

Aaargh!

I'm just going to pull the black rope.

Ellie?

Oh, I can't. I need to get back up.

-I can't do it.

-All you need to do is put your knees against the wall

and just push yourself away. Come on.

-All right, all right.

-Look at me.

Yeah!

-There we go.

-Well done, Ellie!

-There we go.

-Brilliant!

Oh, God.

Just keep coming.

I'm still shaking.

That was just amazing.

Just careful you don't slip here, now.

Is this Michael? It is Michael.

He hasn't fallen yet, so he's doing better than I did.

That's it, perfect!

Gosh, that was... You were incredible!

Michael and Henry had no trouble getting down the 40-metre drop.

Harry is the last to go.

How are you feeling?

I'm well nervous.

OK, hold that black rope right down behind your bum,

and then lean back for me.

-HARRY BREATHES DEEPLY

-Let the rope takes the weight.

Come on, Harry, you can do this.

Just take...take a breather.

-HARRY PANTS

-Yup.

It's all in the head. It's all in the mind.

So, just stay calm, yeah? A few deep breaths.

I don't like this. I don't like this.

Yeah, it's about stepping outside your comfort zone

and giving yourself a challenge.

This is your challenge. You can do this.

You can do this. Believe in yourself.

HARRY BREATHES DEEPLY

That's. Feet flat, really good.

You're doing really well!

Keep coming. Good.

Really good. Really good. Wow.

You're doing really good, Harry. Well done.

HARRY PANTS

Keep coming. Keep coming.

Woohoo!

Congratulations, Harry.

That was really good, Harry.

We all completed the challenge, and this time we worked as a team.

Tomorrow, unfortunately, we're going to have to pack up.

Tonight's our last night,

and Jo has asked us to do one final group session.

I want you to really think hard about something that you know that

really, really holds you back, OK?

Michael...

I think, for you, it is to not to shut down,

because I think that shutting down actually is very painful for you,

and I think you've got so much to give and offer and learn and grow,

and just catch that lovely person and bring it back.

OK?

Ellie...

-#

-Dun-da-run-dun-dun!

-#

Just remember that you are strong

and able to ask for help.

When you put this in the fire and it bursts into flames,

it is gone and it's a part of ourselves that we really, really

don't want to carry on with, OK?

Thank you, guys. You guys are very special.

Convert the mixed numbers to improper fractions.

So, if I remember correctly, it's five times four

-and then add the one.

-Yeah.

It's been over a month since we got back,

and quite a lot has changed for me.

I can minus, times, divide and add,

but it's literally just when it's in sections that I get confused.

For the next few months, I'll be having mentoring here at my house.

I will be revising my bottom off -

just working the best that I can.

Let's do this one first.

So, what do you have to times it by to get it to 20?

In May, I'm hoping I'll get a B in Maths and English,

which seem really simple,

but, for a girl that's been out of education for

roughly a year and a half, it's very difficult.

But I am confident that I can do it.

4, 8, 12, 16, 5...

Yeah, that's right. Yeah.

The trail has really helped me.

It's given me more confidence in myself

and helped me to deal with my depression.

I hate mixed numbers!

And I'm not the only one challenging myself.

I'm just packing up my drums cos it's my first proper gig tonight,

so I'm really excited for it.

I can't wait to get there and get set up.

Yeah, and before I went on the trail,

I don't think I would have been able to do this.

I was wound up, like, pretty much every day.

Right now I just, kind of, think about some of

the things that Jo said to me, and it helps me not to feel nervous

about these kind of things.

I feel a lot more confident now.

That's everything.

It's a big night for Michael,

and Jo, Harry and I can't wait to see him play.

A one, two, three, four.

# I want to know

# Have you ever seen the rain?

# I want to know

# Have you ever seen the rain? #

I'm, like, really proud of myself. I didn't think I'd be able to do it.

Seeing people that were on the trail

with me, like, being there as well,

I was really, really happy.

I was so excited about it.

I definitely think

being on the trail helped with that.

It made me a lot more confident,

and I'm really happy that I did it.

I'm buzzing.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

I'm so proud of Michael.

That was sick. It was so good.

-You were brilliant!

-Thank you.

And I'm proud of myself, too.

I guess I found out who I am as a person, really,

but not really for myself.

Other people, kind of, figured it out for me,

but, however I got there,

one way or another I know who I am, and what I want in life, and...

..what I'm proud of.

And it doesn't really matter how I identified who I am,

it just matters that now I identify with Ellie, as Ellie.

MUSIC: Have You Ever Seen The Rain? by Creedence Clearwater Revival

# I want to know

# Have you ever seen the rain?

# I want to know

# Have you ever seen the rain

# Comin' down on a sunny day? #