The Trouble With Love and Sex Wonderland


The Trouble With Love and Sex

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CHIRPS

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Ah, Sunday morning, and a row.

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Um...

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SIGHS It's about the usual thorny subject.

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Sex.

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If you don't have it, you're going to be disappointed. You said that.

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-I don't give a toss.

-You said that two seconds ago.

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I don't need you telling me what I do and don't feel.

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Quote, "I'm disappointed that you are not interested in sex.

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"Also, I am concerned that

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"you are trying to push it under the carpet and not taking it seriously."

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The underlying issue isn't that. It's whether you do anything about it.

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What do you want me to do? I'm not a machine.

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I can't just turn things on and turn things off.

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I can't explain why I'm feeling the way I am. How can I explain?

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How can I explain why I'm, quote, "frigid"?

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Christ!

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OK, I don't know. I don't have an answer.

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Maybe I should take some pills, take some drugs.

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-Maybe I should get some sex books.

-Maybe. I don't know.

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SIGHS

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I give up.

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If I were to ask each of you to write down the answer

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to a simple sounding, but actually a very difficult question,

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"What does sex mean to you?",

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do you think I would get the same answer?

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-I don't know.

-I don't know.

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-OK. Have a go at it.

-Have you got loads of paper?

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-I haven't got a spare pen, though.

-Spare pens I can do.

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MAN: If I had the choice of anyone at all,

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on this planet, I'd pick her.

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Does that make any sense at all?

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I just feel like Roxanne's the one.

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I started a job about...20 months ago.

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There was this really attractive woman at work

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and I noticed her a couple of times looking at me.

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There was some ridiculous festival.

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They were giving out samosas and she gave me one.

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I thought, "Crikey! She is absolutely gorgeous."

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I feel all uptight,

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butterflies, fidgety,

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dry mouth, all that.

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I suppose I love her. I dunno. Yeah, I think I do.

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I care about her deeply.

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I don't want to just jump into bed with her. I love her.

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-Does she have any idea how you feel?

-No. I don't think so.

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The reason I'm trying counselling

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is because I want to understand my feelings.

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Because it's just driving me nuts.

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I would like a relationship.

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A long-term steady relationship.

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Um, I need the euphorbia, basically, clearing out a bit.

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I can do that sitting down(!)

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-Hell!

-What?

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I've buggered my back again.

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-So that's my fault, was it?

-No, it wasn't your FAULT.

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I'm sure it WAS my fault.

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Our marriage is not in a good state at the moment.

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We've had scenes where there's been a lot of screaming and shouting,

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things being thrown, smashed, all very unhappy.

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And very black and very dark.

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Um... Yes, sort of bad.

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-I'm going to have a cigarette break.

-Cigarette break?

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I've got a bad back, haven't I?

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Here speaks Mr Positive again(!)

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We've had 33 years of experience together.

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There are enough good things that we could have an exceptionally good relationship,

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but we don't have a bloody clue how to do it.

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I've been in this situation before, when I was 18.

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-Hm.

-It was the first job I ever had.

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-There was this really nice-looking girl in the reception area.

-Hm.

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As always, she already had a boyfriend.

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And, um...it was torturous to be at work.

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They got engaged. It was quite traumatic to me.

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Some of us wander through life being attracted to people that are unavailable.

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-Yeah.

-Is this a sort of pattern you're noticing in yourself?

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-That's the connection I'm making.

-In the meantime, how has that affected you and relationships?

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Well, I mean, I meet lots of girls.

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There's girls I know. I'm very sociable with them.

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I chat them up a bit.

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But getting to the point of asking them out,

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I find a bit difficult, I suppose.

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I'm thinking about people's tolerance for rejection.

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Some people, when they fear something, it stops them, like the fear of flying.

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-Yeah.

-It stops them getting on aeroplanes.

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Do you think that your reaction to rejection stops you exposing yourself, asking people?

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OK, let me put it another way. Case in point.

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Peter Andre, Katie Price.

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-Not familiar with that.

-She was a topless model called Jordan.

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He was a pop star.

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Are you familiar with I'm A Celebrity Get Me Out Of Here?

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-Yes.

-They were both put in this situation.

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He ended up marrying her.

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However, they've split up.

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-Now, all the love can also...turn into hate.

-Yes.

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And I'm worried, if I asked this girl out and I get rejected,

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-could I...hate her?

-Hm.

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Well, well done for getting here.

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That's something I say to all clients, because coming here

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really is, for most of them, a momentous event.

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And I'm looking forward to working with you.

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-Great. Thank you very much.

-OK.

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-We'll get up and go downstairs now.

-Right. OK. Thanks.

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-I will say goodbye to you here. We're going to stop.

-It's funny.

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-I brought it with me...

-We're going to stop counselling talk now.

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-Does that make sense to you?

-Yeah.

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We do put a strong boundary on these things.

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-Thanks, Chris. I hope we get on really well.

-I'm sure we will.

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-Have you met people like me?

-Oh, yes.

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-So there's hope?

-Good God, yes!

-I'm pleased you said "Good God!"

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And the reason there's hope is you're here.

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-Can I ask you...?

-Actually, no. I'm going to stop here.

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-I want it to be proper counselling. Is that OK?

-Yeah. OK.

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When's that?

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-That's an ancient one.

-That's one you took ages ago in Margate.

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-The house was brilliant. I really liked that house.

-Yeah.

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-Did you like it?

-I loved it.

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I mean, lots of sort of, like, nice times, really.

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Lots of smiling and laughing and joking.

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How come you're smiling and then you have an awful row?

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We both had a row. Remember? You were there!

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I formed the idea that you've been unhappy most of the time.

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But I don't see how you can have been miserable with a bloody great garden, pool, nice car.

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-You really mean that, don't you?

-To an extent.

-That's what scares me.

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Don't you get it?

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That doesn't make you happy if you're being foul to me...

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-I clearly wasn't being.

-You weren't at the moment the snap was taken.

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-I bloody wasn't.

-Five seconds later you could have been.

-You say that.

-Yes, I do say that.

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I'm actually really concerned about what you've said.

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I can't believe you're making a statement like that.

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If we can't work things out and we feel we've given it our best shot,

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um, then we need, I suppose, freedom to move on.

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And that would probably be divorce.

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Tell me a little bit, if you would, Iain,

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about employment and how that's affecting you currently.

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-OK. To be perfectly honest, I'm not employed at the moment.

-Right.

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The reason we've ended up at this point is largely financial, I think.

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A year and a half ago, we were heading for no income, no home, nothing.

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Susan turned round and tried to, or actually did, initiate an affair

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with a chap who happened to be the richest bloke we knew in the area.

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There was me, who ended up with nothing,

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and Susan immediately appearing to try and jump ship.

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-Susan was following the money, is that what you're saying?

-I felt there was an element of that.

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-I notice how vigorously you're shaking your head, Susan.

-Absolutely. I feel so angry.

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From your perspective, at that point, how was it?

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Well, it started about...2002.

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We started having increasingly separate bedrooms and so on.

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And we got on with our lives, emotionally...poles apart.

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That was the trigger that made me think, "I've got to just go."

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I thought, "OK. I will have some fun." And I hooked up with this guy.

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Which was not particularly serious.

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But it was a brief affair.

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Iain, is that pretty much your recollection of what happened?

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No! I perceived this entirely as, "I want my BMW back. I want my big house back."

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That is SO not true.

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It was in NO way driven by my need for material possessions.

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I'm talking about my interpretation.

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The thing is your interpretation is so far removed from my real feelings

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and what actually happened,

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that if you're going to interpret my behaviour like that then...

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we've got a lot of work to do!

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I'm really glad you said that.

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So much conflict between couples

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usually arises from the differences in interpretation.

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It's at that point that we start negotiating and working.

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You're nodding vigorously, Susan.

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I'm not entirely sure how you're hearing this, Iain.

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-I think you've put your finger on the button to be honest.

-OK.

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DAVE: I've been coming here for about ten years now.

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Just completely relax, empty your mind.

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One of those rare places, rare pockets in life you can actually find a place of your own.

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The "refreshingness"

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of diving into the water,

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when you bring your head up and go, "Ah!" You know, that feeling.

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It's a relief.

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Be nice to come here with someone.

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When you see couples here, swimming together, having a laugh,

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they go and have a drink afterwards,

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perhaps a meal, and I go home to my flat on my own, you know?

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I try not to dwell on those things, though.

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Well, make yourself comfortable.

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I'd like to explore the relationship events in your life.

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-That's fine.

-OK.

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-But I need to explain something.

-Mm.

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Um... In 2003, I ended up living again with my father at home.

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Which was not a happy experience, living at home.

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I was just looking at my life, my past,

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and, um... I actually thought about...

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-..finishing myself off, actually.

-Suicide?

-Yeah. I planned it.

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I had all these tablets.

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And I think I went out about six times to do it.

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I remember sitting in a park, crying my eyes out.

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-And people sitting...moving away, you know?

-Mm.

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-Have you still got these tablets?

-Yeah.

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-Why do think you're keeping them?

-Um...

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Because I'm always subconsciously worrying about dark forces,

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or something nasty's going to happen.

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If life's going to treat me like this,

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I've got this bag and I will take them.

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-Does that suggest you're out of control of your life?

-I don't know. Perhaps I am.

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-Who was in control when you were on that bench?

-I was. I didn't take the tablets.

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-Were the dark forces around?

-No. I use that loosely.

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-I know...

-I mean, I'm not schizophrenic or nothing.

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But it's kind of a nice term for when things are really awful.

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Part of you thinks, "Go take the tablets."

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-Another part of you is saying, "No."

-Yeah.

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If we were to ask the kindly voice, supportive one,

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what would it say now about what to do with the tablets?

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Actually, I'm thinking of throwing them away. Possibly, I will.

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The less useful voice, how do you think it might react?

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-I'm thinking it won't like this.

-He won't like that at all.

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He'll be saying, "What you doing? You don't know what's round the corner."

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If you threw the tablets away, would that be showing that voice the door?

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Saying, "You don't belong round here"?

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-Yeah.

-OK, right.

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-We'll end at that, and I will look forward to seeing you next week.

-Thank you very much.

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Just take a seat.

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Thanks.

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So, how have things been since we met last week?

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Much worse.

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-HE LAUGHS NERVOUSLY

-Yeah.

-It's been really crap.

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I love Ian a lot. I love him very deeply.

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But sometimes I can't tolerate being in the same room as him.

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Ian will say, "You're the centre of my world."

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I say, "I feel sorry for the poor bastards on the edge of it!

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"If this is what the centre feels like, I wonder what it's like on the edge of your world."

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-Your children, how would they describe your relationship? How old are they?

-Nine, five and three.

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My eldest says it's outrageous that we've come out without her.

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-Do you not leave them very often?

-No. We don't go out very often.

-No.

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It is important that you have family time.

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But it's even more important that you have some quality "couple" time.

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-Does that make sense?

-Yeah.

-Yeah.

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As a five, I just feel that we're a really strong unit.

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You know.

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We all enjoy being together. A lot.

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It's just when it gets down to me and Ian,

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that's where it's not so good.

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When did the difficult issues start coming along, would you say?

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-We waited so long for children, we never thought it would happen.

-Yeah.

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It was a long while we were trying for children. Six, seven years.

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People would come to our house, like my sister-in-law,

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and say she was pregnant.

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We'd have a celebration. She'd go and I'd cry.

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Ian would look at me bewildered.

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-We never really spoke about it all, I don't think.

-No.

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Would you say that was the first experience you had

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of Ian not understanding, you hadn't been able to talk about i?

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-Yeah.

-This little bit of a wall going up.

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The first major thing, yeah.

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What I'm hearing is that communication's the main issue.

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-Is that what you'd agree with?

-Yes.

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That's what a lot of our problems stem from, yeah.

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I'm wondering whether you might like to have a bit of homework this week.

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Um...yeah.

0:18:520:18:54

-Yeah. I think so. Yeah.

-OK.

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It's about just talking, uninterrupted, for about five minutes each.

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Listen to what each other's saying.

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Yeah. Yeah.

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-OK.

-All right?

-OK.

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Thank you.

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-Thanks.

-No, that's a pleasure.

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Take care and I'll see you next Monday.

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Always think about her all the time, really. You know.

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She's just everything I'd ever look for in a woman.

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If we went for a walk along the river, I'd wrap up a box of champagne glasses.

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Along the river, I'd have a bottle on a bit of string keeping it chilled.

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I'd ask a fisherman to look after it.

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Give him ten quid.

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"I'm going to be along between 7.30 and eight o'clock."

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I'd get her to open the box and say, "Shame we haven't got any champagne!"

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The guy says, "I've got this bottle. It's got your name on it."

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Do it like that. I think that would be great. Those sort of things.

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Flowers are nice, you know.

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Firstly, if I could check in with how you are.

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-Yeah.

-I'm thinking about those tablets.

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-Do you want to do something about this?

-Yeah.

-What would you like to do?

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Let's get rid of the tablets. We'll throw the bag away.

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-When do you want to do it?

-I'll probably do it this Sunday.

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Then can I check in next week?

0:21:050:21:07

-Just to see your success and how you managed to achieve that?

-Yeah. OK.

-Will that be OK? OK.

0:21:070:21:15

Going back a bit further, I'm interested in your family.

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Your dad and your mum. How did you get on?

0:21:200:21:23

My father didn't show me any affection when I was a kid.

0:21:230:21:27

He never grabbed hold of me or picked me up.

0:21:270:21:30

It was violence. Get a punch or a slap or a pot thrown at you.

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You're going to be bruised afterwards?

0:21:350:21:38

Oh, it was intentional to hurt you, absolutely.

0:21:380:21:41

Yeah.

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And also, he tried killing me once.

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Go on.

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I was upstairs in my bedroom and he came up and had a go at me.

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He put a pillow over my face and he held it there.

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And I thought I was...a gonner.

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He removed the pillow after some time.

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He sat on the bed and opened his arms up to say, "Come to me."

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And I ran downstairs.

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Amongst your peers, people at school and so on, did you swap stories

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about what life was like at home, or...?

0:22:260:22:29

-No.

-Hm.

-Er... But we had the perfect neighbours.

0:22:290:22:33

They were such an idyllic family.

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The father of the family was very relaxed

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and looked like Kirk Douglas.

0:22:430:22:46

Two good-looking sons who got everything they wanted.

0:22:460:22:51

Sometimes, I'd stay with this family for New Year's Eve.

0:22:510:22:56

I wanted to stay there permanently, to be adopted by them.

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I went back home and asked Mum, "What did you do New Year's Eve?"

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"Oh, watched the TV. Had a cry."

0:23:060:23:09

-All that sort of thing...

-Why would she have a cry?

0:23:090:23:13

-She'd probably look at the year that had gone past and nothing had happened.

-Sadness?

-Yeah.

0:23:130:23:20

Mum always wanted better things in life than Dad can perhaps provide.

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So what do you think you learned as a kid

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about how adults have relationships?

0:23:300:23:32

I don't know. Er... Stress.

0:23:320:23:36

-Stress?

-Anger.

-What else?

0:23:360:23:40

-Upset.

-Upset?

-Yeah.

-How do you think you've used that in your life?

0:23:400:23:45

I've probably thought, perhaps subconsciously, "You're better off being single."

0:23:470:23:54

Hm.

0:23:540:23:55

THUNDER ROLLS

0:23:590:24:02

-So, shall we make a start on looking at material that you've brought?

-OK.

0:24:090:24:15

-What did you get?

-Well, I began in '74, when we met.

0:24:150:24:19

So did I.

0:24:190:24:21

So that sounds...pretty reasonable, doesn't it?

0:24:210:24:25

-What happened?

-I remember you just walking into the room.

0:24:300:24:34

I remember being struck by you and your personality.

0:24:340:24:38

I told my friends that I fancied you.

0:24:390:24:42

Then, on the school trip,

0:24:420:24:45

my friends literally pushed me into the seat next to you.

0:24:450:24:49

LAUGHS Had that not happened, we never would have got it off the ground!

0:24:490:24:54

I suppose I might have plucked up courage and asked Susan to...

0:24:540:24:59

-LAUGHS:

-..go on the infamous shopping trip! We don't need to go into it.

0:24:590:25:04

He said, "Would you like to come to Leicester to buy football boots?"

0:25:040:25:08

I think that's fairly good!

0:25:080:25:10

That's a killer line, isn't it?

0:25:100:25:13

Part of me has always wanted to, in a sense,

0:25:180:25:23

absolutely adore him and love him

0:25:230:25:26

and be head-over-heels, which I was at the start.

0:25:260:25:31

But there again, maybe, I do

0:25:310:25:34

and don't realise it.

0:25:340:25:36

I don't know.

0:25:360:25:39

It was about September, autumn time, that you first met my parents.

0:25:390:25:44

Yeah.

0:25:440:25:46

There was a sort of evident, sort of...

0:25:460:25:49

-DOOR BELL

-They weren't actually hostile.

0:25:490:25:53

It was quite clear that I wasn't what they expected or wanted.

0:25:530:25:57

VOICE BREAKING I remember it very vividly.

0:26:030:26:07

I remember thinking, "I think they might not like him that much."

0:26:070:26:11

But I wasn't quite expecting the reaction I got.

0:26:110:26:15

Which was, "How could you do this to us?

0:26:150:26:19

"What have you brought home?"

0:26:190:26:22

"We are in complete shock, Susan!

0:26:230:26:25

"We cannot believe that you'd do anything like this to us! My God!"

0:26:250:26:31

It was horrendous.

0:26:310:26:33

On one occasion, they tried to convince me that he was albino.

0:26:350:26:40

Because he had pale skin and he had pale eyes.

0:26:400:26:43

"I think he might be albino, Susan."

0:26:430:26:46

It was literally... It was a complete loathing.

0:26:460:26:50

You're a nice man!

0:26:520:26:54

You just didn't have the right accent, you didn't look right...!

0:26:540:26:58

Pah! Unbelievable!

0:26:580:27:00

That did cause me to be anxious a lot of the time.

0:27:000:27:05

There was this kind of risk and threat behind the scenes.

0:27:050:27:09

Her parents might eventually convince her that the chap

0:27:090:27:13

down the road from the better background would be more suitable.

0:27:130:27:19

-OK?

-Yeah.

0:27:220:27:24

-Are you all right?

-I think so.

-THINK so?

0:27:250:27:28

-I'm actually quite upset.

-What's the matter?

0:27:290:27:33

-Eh?

-I just feel upset.

0:27:330:27:36

I don't know why. I just do.

0:27:360:27:38

When Susan's upset, I'm never too sure whether it's because of me.

0:27:380:27:45

Or whether it's something else.

0:27:450:27:48

I just think a bit of a barrier comes up between us.

0:27:480:27:53

Thank you.

0:27:550:27:57

I'll be fine.

0:27:570:27:59

All right. OK?

0:27:590:28:01

-Yeah.

-Oh! Bloody hell!

0:28:010:28:03

I've always thought of myself as not being terribly good at dealing with women's tears.

0:28:030:28:08

It's something that confuses me.

0:28:080:28:11

I don't know. I just feel that I'd like to be better at it.

0:28:110:28:16

-Are you all right?

-Yeah. I'm just tired, maybe.

0:28:160:28:19

-I think the sessions stir things up, don't they?

-They do.

0:28:190:28:23

-OK.

-All right.

-Yeah.

0:28:240:28:27

Yeah. OK. All right.

0:28:280:28:30

SNIFFS

0:28:300:28:32

We won't be long.

0:28:370:28:39

Be good.

0:28:390:28:41

CAR UNLOCKS

0:28:420:28:44

Ian's got a tumour

0:28:450:28:48

in his pituitary gland, that he has to take medication for.

0:28:480:28:52

But he doesn't.

0:28:520:28:55

If it grows, it messes up all his hormones.

0:28:550:28:59

After you.

0:28:590:29:01

How do you feel about the sessions?

0:29:020:29:05

Nervous.

0:29:050:29:07

-Why nervous?

-I don't think you get how big a deal it is for me.

0:29:070:29:11

The only sign that there was anything awry

0:29:130:29:17

was the fact that we couldn't make love.

0:29:170:29:20

Sometimes he couldn't get an erection. Sometimes he could.

0:29:200:29:25

It was all very erratic.

0:29:250:29:27

During that time, I always thought that it was my fault.

0:29:270:29:33

Ian wasn't attracted to me.

0:29:330:29:36

It's almost like it's become so hard to talk about that we can't talk about it.

0:29:360:29:42

I'm sorry. I don't know what you want me to say.

0:29:420:29:46

-I think you sometimes get aggressive.

-Yeah.

0:29:460:29:49

I'm sometimes very angry about it.

0:29:490:29:53

-DING DING

-Thank you.

-You're welcome

0:29:530:29:57

Thanks. You're welcome.

0:29:570:29:59

I feel like it's put our marriage on the line.

0:30:000:30:03

The medication solved the impotence fairly quickly.

0:30:090:30:13

Within the first year, he appeared to be not taking it.

0:30:130:30:17

Currently, Ian's in the longest period of not taking his medication.

0:30:170:30:23

So in the back of my head, the problem will come back.

0:30:230:30:27

I've tried talking about it. I've shouted about it. I've cried about it.

0:30:270:30:32

Um, and...that's why I don't feel very loved.

0:30:320:30:37

Because I don't feel heard. And that's my issue.

0:30:370:30:41

So what is it that you feel she needs to hear from your perspective

0:30:410:30:46

about the taking or not taking of the medication?

0:30:460:30:50

I don't deliberately not take them.

0:30:500:30:53

I kind of...

0:30:530:30:55

I feel all right so I don't necessarily think about the tablets.

0:30:550:31:00

Then I forget to get them and it just goes on from there.

0:31:000:31:04

I don't understand, if you love somebody,

0:31:040:31:08

when they say, "When you do this it really hurts" you carry on doing it.

0:31:080:31:14

-And you say you said that?

-I haven't said it for a long while.

0:31:140:31:18

-How long's a long while?

-About 18 months ago.

0:31:180:31:22

I couldn't articulate it it had been so long. I couldn't get it straight in my head.

0:31:220:31:28

-Do you feel like you've said everything tonight?

-Yeah.

0:31:280:31:32

-Is that true or are you just nodding?

-Yeah.

0:31:320:31:36

That's nice to hear, isn't it?

0:31:360:31:38

Yeah, it just feels incredibly tough.

0:31:380:31:41

Now I understood how bad Mandy feels.

0:31:410:31:44

Right.

0:31:440:31:47

But I'm not quite sure how to rectify it.

0:31:470:31:50

That sounds quite a lot of talking for a couple who...don't talk.

0:31:530:31:58

Yeah. Yeah.

0:32:010:32:03

You've allowed it to get out of control.

0:32:030:32:07

And it's about you, you know, taking back the reins again.

0:32:070:32:12

Like you just said, "I haven't talked about it for 18 months."

0:32:120:32:17

That's to protect yourself,

0:32:170:32:19

the family, to protect the relationship.

0:32:190:32:22

But the trouble is, it's been almost...strangling it.

0:32:220:32:27

-Yeah?

-Hm.

0:32:270:32:28

There's no point avoiding it. You're here because you have avoided it.

0:32:280:32:33

All right?

0:32:330:32:34

-Thank you.

-Yeah.

-THEY CHUCKLE

0:32:340:32:38

-So keep up just listening and hearing.

-Thank you.

0:32:380:32:43

-OK. Good.

-Have a nice week.

-See you next week.

0:32:430:32:46

Take care. Bye bye.

0:32:500:32:53

Can I check in? How are the tablets?

0:33:030:33:07

Um...

0:33:070:33:08

-I...threw the bag away.

-Mm-hm.

0:33:080:33:12

The boxes away. But the tablets I kept.

0:33:120:33:15

That...that bad voice was saying,

0:33:150:33:18

"You really don't know what's around the corner."

0:33:180:33:22

-"Just keep them."

-Yeah.

-"Hide them, but keep them."

0:33:220:33:26

-From who?

-Er...from myself, perhaps.

0:33:260:33:30

-Have you still got enough to kill yourself?

-Oh, yeah.

0:33:300:33:34

-How many times, do you think?

-Um... Twice.

-Mm-hm.

0:33:340:33:40

-So it should do the job properly.

-Yeah.

0:33:400:33:43

It makes me think that this other voice is quite powerful.

0:33:430:33:47

-Yeah. Well, it almost killed me.

-Yeah.

0:33:470:33:52

-Do you think your father might have a voice like this?

-Yes, I do.

0:33:520:33:56

I'm just thinking, someone trying to suffocate their son.

0:33:560:34:00

-Yeah.

-Actually, the idea of trying to kill you.

0:34:000:34:04

Actually, when he tries not to kill you, he didn't.

0:34:040:34:08

I'm thinking about your experience on that park bench.

0:34:080:34:12

-Yeah.

-Two ways you could go.

0:34:120:34:14

Two directions, two sets of thoughts.

0:34:140:34:17

-Then stopping, obviously, in time.

-Yeah.

0:34:170:34:21

That now makes me think of how useful it would be to feel you don't have to blame your father as much.

0:34:210:34:28

Oh, crikey! I don't know.

0:34:290:34:31

Er...

0:34:310:34:33

Well, if we think about this other positive voice.

0:34:330:34:37

I sometimes talk about the negatives ones as the uninvited guest

0:34:370:34:42

-who you just can't show the door.

-Y-yeah. Yeah.

0:34:420:34:46

While you're trying to deal with them, the other guest,

0:34:460:34:50

quietly sitting in the corner, gets forgotten.

0:34:500:34:54

And yet, is very present.

0:34:540:34:57

I'm wondering whether this week, would it be possible for you

0:34:570:35:01

to get to know more of this other side of you?

0:35:010:35:05

-The dark side?

-The light side.

0:35:050:35:07

-The light side. Yeah.

-Actually, it's the one we probably should be paying more attention to.

0:35:070:35:13

-It needs watering.

-That's an interesting way.

0:35:130:35:17

-It needs watering. It's stuck there waiting to sprout.

-Quite loyal.

0:35:170:35:21

It's there, waiting for the sunlight to put its rays on that bulb for it to sprout, for it to grow.

0:35:210:35:29

DOG BARKS

0:35:330:35:35

CLOCK TICKS

0:35:420:35:45

We've been spending quite a lot of time together, recently.

0:35:500:35:54

We're more tolerant.

0:35:570:35:59

More considerate of each other's...feelings.

0:35:590:36:04

It feels comfortable. It feels pleasant. And nice.

0:36:040:36:08

We are both trying, a bit more consciously,

0:36:080:36:12

to explore what's going on rather than just have a row.

0:36:120:36:16

So what we do now is try and rationalise a little bit more

0:36:160:36:20

-what's going on and what the real issues are.

-Yeah.

0:36:200:36:25

And...I was lonely.

0:36:260:36:28

I don't like confessing this, but I fell in love with two other people.

0:36:320:36:37

One was shortly after we were married.

0:36:370:36:40

And the next was about a year or two after we were married.

0:36:410:36:46

It's bizarre. I approached this guy shortly after we were married.

0:36:460:36:51

He basically said, "I'm sorry but no can do."

0:36:510:36:54

-I was absolutely devastated and I called you up and told you.

-Yeah.

0:36:540:36:59

What is all that about? Attention seeking?

0:36:590:37:03

A cry for you to pay me attention? I don't know.

0:37:030:37:07

We were married, but we weren't close. At all.

0:37:100:37:15

We were. I mean, I think we were.

0:37:150:37:18

We were joined at the hip, doing stuff together, but never intimate

0:37:180:37:24

and close in an emotional sense.

0:37:240:37:27

If you boil it all down, that's probably what it comes down to.

0:37:270:37:32

Susan wanted more emotion in the relationship, right from the start.

0:37:340:37:39

And didn't get it. I should have done more about it.

0:37:390:37:43

But it's only really recently that I've twigged that that's important.

0:37:430:37:49

-OK. Thank you very much again.

-Thanks.

0:37:510:37:55

OK, well...how have things gone this week for you?

0:38:000:38:06

-It's been a good week.

-A good week?

-Yeah.

0:38:060:38:10

I think we knew we'd kind of drifted apart.

0:38:100:38:14

One of the things I've learned is how far we'd drifted.

0:38:140:38:18

Yeah, and valuing time more. We just weren't doing it.

0:38:180:38:23

Yeah.

0:38:230:38:24

-None of this has been rocket science. It's basic stuff.

-Yeah.

0:38:240:38:30

But as you say,

0:38:300:38:32

it can have huge benefits, you know.

0:38:320:38:35

We were talking last night about my medication.

0:38:350:38:40

Mandy said, "I don't think I'll ever understand what you did,

0:38:400:38:45

-"but I can move on from it now."

-Wow.

-Yeah.

0:38:450:38:49

I think I came in thinking I have to understand why he's done it.

0:38:490:38:54

I guess, in the week, I thought maybe I never will understand.

0:38:540:38:58

I get a sense that he's beginning to understand the emotional fall-out

0:38:580:39:03

and that feels enough to move it forward.

0:39:030:39:06

Brilliant.

0:39:060:39:08

The thing that's changed for us is being able to talk to each other.

0:39:090:39:13

We just chat now whenever we get the opportunity.

0:39:130:39:16

We're talking all the time.

0:39:160:39:19

We've having champagne cocktails.

0:39:260:39:28

We used to do that before the children came along.

0:39:280:39:32

I'm almost embarrassed about by how much I'm looking forward to spending time with Ian.

0:39:340:39:40

It feels like a long time since I felt like this.

0:39:400:39:43

We are both so excited.

0:39:430:39:46

I was going to do champagne cocktails. You beat me to it.

0:39:500:39:54

Yeah!

0:39:540:39:56

SHE LAUGHS

0:39:560:39:58

The night just went even better than we had hoped for.

0:40:000:40:04

Had our bath together. Got drunk together.

0:40:040:40:07

It was like going on the first date after 18 years.

0:40:080:40:13

She said, "What you doing?" I said, "Having a date night"

0:40:150:40:19

"Is that what the counsellor told you to do?"

0:40:190:40:22

"No. We figured that bit out all for ourselves."

0:40:220:40:26

-Is this going to become a regular Friday night?

-Oh, lovely.

0:40:290:40:33

-Love you.

-I love you.

0:40:350:40:37

A bit more so than I'd realised.

0:40:390:40:42

Hiya. Can I have a bacon sandwich and a very strong coffee, please?

0:40:490:40:54

Great. Thank you.

0:40:540:40:56

-It's nice coffee.

-Yeah?

-Yeah.

0:40:560:41:00

Yesterday was a difficult day.

0:41:000:41:03

Because I knew Roxanne would be working most of the morning.

0:41:030:41:07

Obviously, my emotions are racing, my heart's racing.

0:41:070:41:11

She sat down and she was talking about...marriage.

0:41:110:41:16

She said, "I want to get married in a church."

0:41:160:41:20

And I thought, "I want to get married to YOU in a church."

0:41:200:41:25

So, work finished.

0:41:250:41:27

I felt quite down when I got in.

0:41:270:41:30

I bought a couple of bottles of wine and I was going to get drunk.

0:41:300:41:34

I had all my music I was going to play.

0:41:340:41:37

I'd poured myself a glass of wine

0:41:370:41:39

and was all set for a session of drinking.

0:41:390:41:43

But I didn't want to go down that road again so...

0:41:430:41:47

Well, I sat on my bed and I was talking to myself,

0:41:490:41:53

that I need to be realistic.

0:41:530:41:58

I've got no idea what she's like out of work, so it's time to move on.

0:41:580:42:03

Move on. You can do better than that.

0:42:030:42:06

So I poured the wine away

0:42:070:42:10

and put a video on and watched that.

0:42:100:42:13

I WILL get over it.

0:42:140:42:16

I will get over it.

0:42:160:42:18

And I don't think I'm such a bad person.

0:42:250:42:29

Although I'm frustrated with the situation I'm in, being single,

0:42:290:42:34

I don't feel it's my fault.

0:42:340:42:36

If that makes any sense.

0:42:380:42:40

It strikes me that pouring that wine reminds me of when you were sitting on that park bench

0:42:430:42:50

-with all those tablets.

-Yeah.

0:42:500:42:52

It must have taken a lot of, I don't know, courage to...?

0:42:520:42:56

-Yes, it was.

-..pour the wine away.

-I've never gone that far before.

0:42:560:43:01

I'm wondering whether you're someone that's quite good on your own.

0:43:010:43:06

And when you seek back-up from other people, whether maybe it changes things.

0:43:060:43:12

Maybe it's something you'd like to do in the future, but at the moment

0:43:120:43:17

-I'm wondering if you're resourceful when it's just you...

-Yeah.

0:43:170:43:21

I feel stronger when I'm on my own. Yeah.

0:43:210:43:25

Thinking about this woman at work.

0:43:250:43:28

-If she hadn't been there, you would not have discovered that you could say no to those bottles.

-Yeah.

0:43:280:43:35

-Maybe in some funny way she's helped.

-Yeah. Possibly, yeah.

0:43:350:43:40

Maybe you even need to have a rerun.

0:43:400:43:43

Go to work. Get as depressed as possible.

0:43:430:43:47

Buy some bottles of wine. Go back home. Get the CDs out.

0:43:470:43:51

-Then ask yourself, "Can I do this still?"

-Yeah.

0:43:510:43:55

I've been very struck by your talking, through our sessions,

0:43:550:44:00

of these voices.

0:44:000:44:02

This darker influence,

0:44:020:44:05

which has seen you go into some pretty hellish places.

0:44:050:44:10

Then there's this lighter influence.

0:44:100:44:12

It's shown you that you've got courage, wisdom.

0:44:120:44:16

That you can pour glasses of wine down the drain, or whatever.

0:44:160:44:21

Yeah.

0:44:210:44:22

And I've got a letter, as if written by you,

0:44:220:44:26

to the darker influence.

0:44:260:44:29

And it's about renegotiating your relationship with it.

0:44:290:44:34

"Dear darker influence.

0:44:340:44:36

"Re: Thank you for services supplied and a respectful ending now of our relationship.

0:44:360:44:43

"Since I was born, you have protected me from adult couple relationships

0:44:430:44:49

"by ensuring I never became committed before I was ready.

0:44:490:44:52

"During our time together,

0:44:520:44:54

"you showed me how much I appreciate my life.

0:44:540:44:58

"You did this by pushing me to even consider suicide.

0:44:580:45:02

"That you engaged in this high-risk strategy with someone you loved

0:45:020:45:07

"was testament to how much you believed I did value my life

0:45:070:45:12

"and, when ready, would make the changes I dreamed of.

0:45:120:45:16

"Now, with your help,

0:45:160:45:18

"I feel ready to engage in a meaningful couple relationship.

0:45:180:45:22

"Hence, this letter is to tell you I now no longer need your services.

0:45:220:45:28

"With much love, affection and thanks, goodbye."

0:45:280:45:31

There's a place for a signature and a date, and your name.

0:45:310:45:36

That's brilliant.

0:45:380:45:40

That's great. That's really good.

0:45:430:45:46

The fact is that I'm reading it in black and white.

0:45:460:45:50

So it makes it all the more real.

0:45:500:45:52

You've got no idea how...

0:45:530:45:56

..that could, er...

0:45:580:46:01

Oh! Straight up. That's great.

0:46:010:46:04

When do you think you'll be ready to sign it?

0:46:040:46:08

-Got a pen?

-Go for it.

0:46:090:46:12

LAUGHS That's brilliant.

0:46:120:46:15

That's fantastic. Thank you ever so much.

0:46:210:46:26

You did this.

0:46:260:46:28

SNIFFS

0:46:280:46:30

CLOCK TICKS

0:46:480:46:50

-I'm going right, aren't I?

-Left.

0:46:550:46:58

-Left? Are you sure?

-Think so. Yeah.

0:46:580:47:01

We're so used to these ups and downs.

0:47:010:47:05

Ultimately, I think they'll be together for ever.

0:47:050:47:08

I agree, but it's not going to be happily ever after.

0:47:080:47:13

The pub I'm thinking of is in a field.

0:47:130:47:16

Perhaps you can sort of direct me in the appropriate...

0:47:160:47:21

I think they are much more affectionate towards each other.

0:47:210:47:25

They have the odd hug or they'll hold hands or...

0:47:250:47:29

-A bit too much, really.

-..touch!

0:47:290:47:32

-Now where do I go?

-I don't bloody know.

0:47:320:47:36

It's nowhere near. We're bloody miles away.

0:47:370:47:42

-I'm not going to drive around...

-No, no!

0:47:420:47:45

We all want them to just be happy.

0:47:450:47:47

Separate or together.

0:47:470:47:49

In my view, I don't think they could possibly be happy

0:47:490:47:54

without each other in some form or in some manner, you know.

0:47:540:47:59

-We'll just have to go here.

-It's got a garden.

0:47:590:48:02

-It is foul, isn't it?

-Jesus Christ!

-Where's the garden, then?

0:48:020:48:06

Round the back.

0:48:060:48:09

-Look, garden.

-Yeah, great(!)

0:48:090:48:11

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