A Hasidic Guide to Love, Marriage and Finding a Bride Wonderland

It says on Friday, finger and toe nails should be cut on the same day.

So will you cut your nails then today?

-He eats them.

-I bite my nails, I don't cut them.

He's disgusting, he bites his nails.

But if you've already bitten your nails, you don't need to cut them?

There's nothing to cut!

Nobody can become a ten-minute Jew, it takes weeks and weeks and months

and months of study and learning and understanding these laws.

It's so vastly away from your way of life, that you would have no understanding of it whatsoever.

I could try.

Stamford Hill, London,

just a few miles northeast from the heart of the capital.

It's home to a devoutly religious community of around 20,000 Hasidic Jews.

And it's the largest of its kind in Europe.

The Hasidim live by an extraordinarily

detailed set of ancient commandments that have their roots in the Torah.

Stamford Hill is a bewildering blend of biblical law and modern day life.

And for the next few months, it was to be my home.

One of Stamford Hill's most outspoken residents is Gaby Lock,

a retired teacher, who now dedicates several hours a day to learning the Torah and Jewish law.

Slander, vengeance and bearing a grudge,

rules concerning physical wellbeing, things forbidden because they are dangerous, laws concerning charity.

This is the code of Jewish law and this was made by Shlomo Ganzfried, it's called the Kitzur Shulchan Aruch

and it's really just basic laws, it doesn't discuss how a law came about from where.

But these are the laws you live your life by?

That you live your life by.

And they're based on the 613...?

613 Mitzvot commandments.

-613 commandments?

-Commandments.

Are they loosely based on, sorry, the ten commandments?

They are loosely based on the ten commandments.

The salting of meat, eating and drinking before the regular meals, laws concerning meals.

See, everything is controlled. The way... How you go to toilet,

whether your toilet's permitted, a communal toilet, would it be

permitted, is it embarrassing, or do you not have it embarrassing?

Everything is controlled.

For instance, you're not allowed to... If you...

Well, excuse my English, but you're not allowed to fart

with tefillin, with the phylacteries on your head.

The laws of circumcision, the redemption of the first born, the training of children,

a menorah, put on a woman's garment and vice-versa, laws concerning new

crops, the separation of the first portion of the dough.

And how much of your life have you dedicated to studying these laws?

Most of it.

My wife's coming in.

Oh. Should I put the camera down?

Please can we stop it again, stop a bit. Hello?

-Will she not want to be in the film?

-No, she doesn't mind.

-Oh, can I say hello?

-Sit down. Sit down.

-Oh, sorry, I'm not sure I should shake hands.

-No, no, it's fine.

-No, you don't, it's too late!

-No harm is done.

-Well, you see you can't, you can't always, it's not... It doesn't... It's the intent.

-What? Oh.

-You see some people think that shaking hands is such a terrible

thing, but it's not really the shaker, it's the intent.

I'm so sorry, but I shouldn't...

In Hasidic life, the man... I shouldn't shake hands with a woman, is that right?

-No, they shouldn't have any physical contact.

-Physical contact.

No physical contact? I'm very sorry.

Don't worry, I'll forgive you. How should you know?

Do you think...? This is the first time we've done some filming and

we're going to be filming for a few months in the area.

Do you think you'd be able to guide us around the area?

-No.

-Why, why not?

Because everybody's very, very secretive,

because they always think about the children they have to marry off, what will harm their name.

And that's not important.

We haven't got that problem, we've got two children, they're married

and blow it all, we just say what we like, especially my husband!

One of the most important commandments of all is to get

married, and most Hasidic people marry young, at around 19 or 20.

Can I ask a question? If it's too personal, just say.

But you, you've been married, erm...?

-40 years.

-Wow. What did you feel, that you felt attraction and you felt compatibility?

-I don't know, I don't know what it was.

-He was very stupid.

-I was 24, 24-and-a-half.

-You were a little boy.

Yeah, I was a little boy then and I didn't really want to get married.

I was scared of him.

-Really?

-Yeah,

I was pretty scared.

I tried to put off the going to bed, put it off as long as possible.

I was scared of it, stiff.

Yeah, and then made a holy mess of it.

We won't go into details!

Living in Stamford Hill, it's not unusual to be invited to as many as 100 weddings a year.

Later that week, Gaby and Tikwah were invited to a wedding by an old

friend from the neighbourhood, and to my surprise he was happy for me to come along too.

-What's your name?

-My name is Avi Bresler.

-Right.

-I live in Stamford Hill, I came here 21 years ago. I got married

-to Israeli girl who came here a few years before me.

-OK.

And we have five children.

Today is the day that my oldest is getting married.

-OK, and how old is he?

-He's 20.

-How do you feel about him getting married?

-Very excited.

-Really?

-Yes.

-This is their grandmother, she's my wife's mother.

-Oh, hello.

Hello.

That's my mother, from Israel came.

-Mazel tov.

-Mazel tov, mazel tov.

SHE SPEAKS HEBREW

You should be able to come, it's Hebrew.

It's Hebrew? Sorry, I don't speak Hebrew.

-She wish she would be able to come loads of things, lots of weddings and be happy.

-OK.

My brother-in-law from Israel.

-Hello.

-Hello.

HE SPEAKS HEBREW

My first Hasidic wedding.

THEY CHANT IN HEBREW

Avi's son, Yitchak Meir, is 20 and works at his father's grocery shop.

He met his bride six months ago working behind the till.

But, in accordance with Jewish law, they've avoided all physical contact.

Once married, the couple still won't be able to touch until the end of the night, during the last dance.

THEY CHANT IN HEBREW

Smash it. Mazel tov, mazel tov!

-Some of them are praying now, the second prayer of the day.

-Will you do that as well?

-Yes, I'm going to join them now.

-And enjoy your cigarette?

Yes, that's right, yes, of course, pressure.

-Pressure?

-Yes.

After the ceremony, Avi had put on a big meal for all his guests.

The hall was divided into two, because under Jewish law,

men and women are forbidden from mixing at public events...

even for the dancing.

MUSIC PLAYS

There's nothing in this entire world

bigger and greater and more enjoying than a real Jewish heartfelt simcha.

Simcha means a wedding, you can feel it in the spirit, in the air, how much people are loving and...

I feel ecstatic, I feel it.

I'd anticipated something more serious, more sombre, from such devoutly religious people.

This wasn't what I'd expected at all.

-I drank too much, I cannot stand up. I drank too much.

-Be careful.

My head is like that.

As the night went on, Gaby seemed to withdraw a little.

What did he make of the party and it's host, Avi Bresler?

-Hello.

-Good day. Come in.

-Hello.

-After you've been filming Mr Bresler's wedding.

-That's right.

-I didn't enjoy it.

-Why not?

It's so queer.

It's people from Yemen, they come from a total different background, and people from Eastern Europe.

It's just...

-It was queer. I saw Mr Bresler this morning.

-Did you?

-Yeah.

I said, "Is the young couple happy?"

"Yes, thank God, yes." I said, "That's the main thing."

Yeah. He's a really nice guy, Avi.

He's sweet. Made a bit of a mess of his life,

what can you do?

Did you find it moving, the wedding, did you enjoy it?

I don't get emotionally involved.

I liked it very much when I saw them, the other people happy, but

I'm not really... I look at happiness completely as a different thing, it's an inside thing of happiness.

Happiness is not something just when you dance around like a nutcase, that's not happiness, and there was

a bit, in my eyes, a bit wild dancing and some people expressed their happiness.

I was very pleased for Avi, he's marrying off his child, because he sees a future and I hope the marriage

is a successful one, but in a marriage they have to understand...

FOOD PROCESSOR WHIRRS LOUDLY

She's upstaged you.

-Sorry.

-Sorry's no good, you've done, you've ruined it.

-What did she do?

She put on the machine when I was talking, how can anybody hear what I'm saying?

You were in mid-flow, Gaby, let's go back in.

-Oh, dear.

-Marriage is like... God, that's what God's aim was

on this world, two different people get together and try to build a life.

The idea is to make one person of them, the more one you make out of

your unity of marriage, the more one you are and the more love there is and that's what real love is about.

Love is not about... When you get married first you love yourself, but then you learn that love is not

loving yourself, loving your partner, loving your partner and being in love has nothing to do with the physical,

it's a spiritual connection which you feel near to each other.

It's also practiced through physical, but it is mostly a spiritual connection.

Do you not have lunch together?

-Ask him.

-I eat when...I feel hungry.

I don't eat every day at exactly the same time.

That's why you're fat!

-What?

-That's why he's fat, because he goes for sweet things.

-He eats too many sweet things?

-Yeah.

And he doesn't eat at the right time?

I make him salads, he doesn't come,

what shall I do?

I eat whatever's there, I don't...

Food is not my life, "What am I going to have tonight, what for supper?"

What's there, I eat it when I'm hungry. Until I'm hungry, I don't eat.

If my body tells me it's hungry, then I eat.

I don't have to have three meals a day because somebody has decided breakfast, dinner, supper.

Although not unheard of, divorce is rare among Hasidic people.

PHONE RINGS

Even more unusually, Avi Bresler is separated from his wife

and lives alone in a gated residence on the outskirts of the community.

-Is that what you do every morning, you wash your hands?

-That's right.

-Is that the law?

-Yeah.

How many times are you meant to wash your hands?

Three times each hand.

And it's in order - right, left, right, left, right, left.

Right, left, right, left, right, left?

-Why do you do that?

-That's what it says in the book.

You brainwashed as a little kid, from when you are two years old, to do it every morning.

I mean, of course, you feel clean after that.

It's in your mind, like, it's...

It's above the understanding place what is in there, where it is, it's like inside, deep, deep inside,

you know you are clean, you don't think, you know. TELEPHONE RINGS

How was the wedding for you? How did it, how did it make you feel?

-Because it was lively, right?

-It was very, it was very lively, yeah.

There were a lot of people in the town who know me, then come to make my son happy,

my son is working in the shop, so they came to make him happy.

He's got many customers who come in and everybody came to wish him congratulations,

they were all helping in the dancing and stuff.

Avi is a father of five.

His second son, Toli, has just returned from five years of religious studies in Israel.

He's come back to work in his dad's property business.

MUSIC PLAYS IN CAR STEREO

-So Toli, how old are you?

-I am 19.

-You're 19?

-Yeah, I am.

So you're Avi's second oldest?

Second oldest, that's right.

Unless there's some more I don't know about.

I'm joking.

-Is he a good dad?

-Yeah. I think he's the best dad, seriously.

-Is he like a friend as well?

-Yeah, he is.

It's not he's like a friend, he IS a friend.

At 19, and with his older brother married off, Avi has decided it's time to find a match for Toli.

Hello, yes, hello.

-Yes, I am the owner.

-I've just met your son.

Oh, what do you think of him?

-He's a good lad.

-A good lad, he is a good lad.

When he sleeps he's very good.

Hello? I understand and where's the water going? And where's the water leading to?

Hello, hello?

We'll need to talk to a few matchmakers to get him out of the way.

What sort of woman would suit him, do you think?

Ah, whatever makes a good wife, I don't know.

A young girl, good behaviour,

a girl who has got a bit of brain.

Hello, yes, I'm with you.

You know, I'll be there in, like, five or ten minutes, all right?

No problem, see you, bye.

-Toli works for you?

-Yeah, I'm trying to get him into the business.

-Into the property business?

So how's he doing? How is he doing?

At the moment, everything he's touching is not working. I'm joking! HE LAUGHS

Bye bye. Bye, see you.

Bye, see you later, take care.

Take care.

Do you really think he's ready to get married?

Yeah. At 18 and a half, 19, it's time to start looking for a match.

OK, so, what else do I need to know about your son?

So what's he doing? He's working?

Ah, he's working for me now in property management.

OK, what does that mean? What's he doing, because it could be anything?

Ah, he's managing my properties,

-collecting rent.

-Right, OK.

What, what sort of personality, I mean I would like to meet him at some stage, I think, or even

to talk to him on the phone, to find out what he's like.

-Sure.

-What would you say his personality is like?

He's a very, very nice guy, he's very generous.

I'm sure he's nice, he's your son! No, what's he like, is he quiet, is he loud, is he...?

-He's quiet, he's shy.

-He's shy.

How would you describe the level that he learns at?

Is he a good learner, or is he average?

-Ah, he is.

-He's clever?

-He's very clever, yeah.

-Right, right.

-Very smart.

-Uh-huh. So, um...

He's definitely built to work, but he's learning, he's very into the Torah.

-Right, OK, fine.

-I've got a picture if that will tell you anything.

OK. Can't really tell...

My first son just got married a couple of months ago,

so the picture's from the wedding.

Oh, let's see. Very nice.

Um, how can I put this?

It shouldn't be a problem for him.

The only thing is, most of the girls who come to me are university-educated girls,

it's not so much the, you know...

I don't get so much the type of girl that you'd be looking for.

One very important factor for you to know,

I was convicted for money laundering a few years ago,

and I spent four a half years in jail.

So some families, it may not be suitable...

They need to know in advance, there's no comebacks, "Why didn't you tell me?"

Right.

It's maybe a, what do you call it...?

Like a bad mark, but it's a bad mark

out of a lot of good stuff, it's not...

The good side will cover for it!

Mmm.

-I was in prison four and a half years.

-For money laundering?

-That's right.

-And what was the money used for, the dirty money?

Ah, it was used to... The money came from Class A drugs.

It was shipped to Colombia,

to buy probably some more cocaine, or whatever.

And how much money was laundered?

Ah, according to the prosecution, 6.5 million, just over £6.5 million.

-Was that right, the right figure?

-I don't know!

How did you manage to find a wife for your oldest son?

Where did she come from?

Ah, my first son is working for me.

I've got three grocery shops in Stamford Hill,

I'm a partner in them, and he's working there.

And he met a girl by serving on the till!

I see! That might be how you're going to find someone for this son,

because I think it's going to be very difficult

for me to phone up someone and say,

"Right, would you like to explain all the facts?"

Because I don't know you at all.

In Stamford Hill, everybody knows me.

I'm sure they do, it's just I'm not from Stamford Hill,

so you're out of my area.

Well, you take the first left here, and the second corner on the right, the corner house.

No, I don't know. Amazingly, I don't know everyone on the street!

-Do you know Daniel?

-No, no.

-Just round the corner here.

-No, no.

Your son is a bit out of the box,

so I think it's not going to be an easy one to find someone.

I'll be honest with you, I'm prepared to compensate in that way.

For example, with the previous daughter-in-laws that I've taken,

I've paid all the expenses from the wedding, the lot. Dressing gown...

-There's a lid for the bottle, they say.

-Oh, sure, sure.

I want to feel that I've done my best, that I tried...

He's a very special boy, if you see him, if you get to know him.

-I would like to meet him.

-I'm not saying it because I'm his father.

Yeah, OK. Um...yeah.

OK.

Thank you very much.

Thank you. I appreciate it.

Thanks, bye-bye. Bye.

I had a bit of a shock when he announced that he'd been in prison.

It threw me completely, and I did have a shock.

Did you launder the money?

No, it was a conspiracy, I had a part in a conspiracy

which I allowed to use my office to receive and collect money.

I hope it was all right with him, I hope it didn't offend him in any way.

Um, I've never come across this before at all,

so it was very difficult for me.

-So, you just housed it?

-That's right, yeah.

Um, did you know a lot about what the money was being used for?

Not really but, ah, the money had some dirty smell!

I suppose, on reflection, you know, it shouldn't be something

that will be held against his son,

but unfortunately, in the Jewish community,

it's a small community, people will know about this,

people will judge accordingly.

The whole package disturbs a bit, there's no question about it,

but there's a lot of good sides to us.

People know Avi Bresler, people love Avi Bresler,

Avi Bresler's got no enemies, people respect him for what he is.

And I think that covers a lot.

Avi's had a hard bringing-up, his father died when he was only seven.

Avi didn't have the father, the background,

drifted into bad company, bad behaviour. And really, you sometimes

get people for manslaughter don't get a nine-year sentence,

and it caused him to drift away from the original marriage.

And his wife wants to stay to him, but he's sort of learned

different ways, or enjoyments, in life, which are very sad.

And, he likes, loves, his children,

but he wants to stick to the new rules he's learnt,

and once you learn a new rule, you get used to it, it's very hard.

I don't want to go into details, but anybody who understands, understands what I mean.

-And this has caused the marriage to drift apart.

-Not the Hasidic way?

Not the religious way. Not not the Hasidic way, not the religious way.

But what do you expect? Our prisons are full of these kind of people,

they're loaded with these people, who come from the oldest kind of backgrounds,

so of course you learn bad ways. The Government alone admits that prison is the best school,

the best college for educating thieves and everything else,

and it's for all kind of behaviour.

A week later, I was off with Avi and some of his friends to the Ukraine,

for one of the biggest dates in the Jewish calendar -

Rosh Hashanah, New Year.

Look at this shop with all this alcohol.

-Can you have a drink here?

-Yes.

I can drink vodka, whisky. Don't need to be kosher.

-And beer?

-Beer, yes.

-You OK?

-Yep.

Hold on, something for charity, a donation for charity.

Oh, I've got to go this way for now, I'll try and catch you later.

For one week of every year,

the town of Uman is taken over by tens of thousands of Hasidim.

It's one of the biggest festivals of its kind anywhere in the world.

The Stamford Hill posse!

That's right, we're Stamford Hill boys!

The Stamford Hill boys are here!

How amazing.

HE SINGS

I'm so excited.

We've got some bunk beds. It's probably going to be...

It's the second time in my life I sleep on a bunk bed.

The previous time was in prison!

As you see, everyone's wearing white down there.

Why are they wearing that?

Erm, white is a colour for clean of sins, God forgives us.

Once Rosh Hashanah begins, there are very strict rules about

what festival-goers can and cannot do.

Since the festival started, do not put off cigarettes.

You're not allowed to put off. You can just leave it on the side,

but not put off. Not light, not put off.

So they have to keep smoking?

No, no, you can just leave it on the side, put it in an ashtray,

or not put it off. Like you cannot light also.

You can light from one to another, from a candle, but not light the fire.

I want to count the money next to you.

If you count it, then you keep it.

-Are you not allowed to keep money?

-That's right, no.

-Why not?

-Because it's against the law to hold the money.

-OK, that's one.

-How much is here?

Ah, 10, 15, 20, 25, 30, 35, 40,

45, 50, 55, 60, 65, 70, 75, 80, 85, 90, 95, 2,000. £2,200...

..500 and 1,080 grivna!

-I want to give you my passport.

-Oh, my God!

Patrick, if you want, we've got tons of Haribos,

chocolates, peanut chews, crackers, a suitcase which Avi brought,

full of nosh from his shop. We've got ready-made meals,

-you just have to put hot water.

-So I can have any of that?

You can have whatever you want. You're part of the member now.

He cannot light by himself, he's taking light from me.

The Hasidim make the yearly pilgrimage to visit

the grave of Rabbi Nachman, a key figure of the Hasidic branch

of Orthodox Judaism, who died a little over 200 years ago.

Nachman promised he would save those followers from Hell

who came to his grave at New Year.

Rabbi Nachman?

Seeing Avi at the grave reminded me how important his faith was to him.

Later that night, we attended a meal

prepared for the Stamford Hill party.

No, no.

THEY SING

-How are you, Avi?

-I'm cool, man!

-Are you having a good night?

-Yeah, yeah, of course!

Where are we going?

'It had been a long day for Avi,

'and prayers were due to begin again at first light.'

-You tired, Avi?

-I'm all right.

SNORING

THEY PRAY

You see, everyone's going to the synagogues to pray now,

people wake up early and we try to pray all day and not to sleep,

because they say if you sleep during this day,

you're going to have a sleepy year.

SNORING

-I feel a bit guilty.

-Why?

I should have been going to pray now, on this holy day,

and I'm standing here like an idiot, smoking a cigarette and drinking coffee.

I'm sure God will understand me.

-Having fun?

-Yeah, I love it here.

'Avi is 41.

'Most of his roommates were in their mid to late-20s,

'and all of them were single.'

There are not many guys here that are married, right?

-Most of the guys here with us now...

-In our apartment, yes.

-That's right.

-That's quite unusual, isn't it?

-Normally people guys are married a bit younger?

-They're a bit of the troublemakers!

Let Bradley answer for that!

-These are the troublemakers?

-Yeah, most of them!

You're not meant to have sex outside of a marriage, are you?

Bonk!

-Leave me out of it!

-Avi!

-What do you mean, leave you out of it?!

-I'm off!

Where you going? What's your situation?

I can't have this discussion!

'Avi's still married,

'but has now been separated from his wife for over four years.'

When did you start to realise that

it wasn't right for you and your wife?

On the very first night.

But I was too young. I didn't have a father,

I was orphaned from Father's side,

I didn't have a father to ask him questions,

what is right, what is wrong.

And I knew that the wedding cost a lot of money

and both families happy that I got married.

I didn't want to break everybody's heart, so I thought,

"I got married, stick to what you've got, be happy and continue life."

-So, the first night you knew it wasn't right?

-Yes.

How did you know on the first night?

-Ah, it's not really nice to discuss it.

-OK.

-It's private.

So, that very first night you knew it wasn't right,

but yet you stayed together for how many years?

Stayed together for about 16, 17 years.

-That must have been difficult.

-It was.

It's difficult for me and for her.

I mean, if I feel like that, she feels what I feel also,

that's not easy.

'I just accidentally'

turned the light off, which you mustn't do.

It's a thing called Machzor,

which is where you're not allowed to do certain things

like carry electrical stuff on the festival that we've got now.

-You've just switched it?

-I've done it by mistake, yes.

So there won't be a problem, because I never intentionally done it.

If I had have intentionally done it,

then I would have had to pray to God to forgive me.

But thank God that was not the case.

-What would the problem be?

-Not much.

If you'd done it intentionally?

Then it would... Then... I don't know.

It would be up to God, it wouldn't be up to me.

'Bradley has only lived in Stamford Hill for six years.'

Basically the song starts off, "An accomplished woman, who can find?

"Far beyond pearls is her value.

"She opens her mouth with wisdom,

"and a lesson of kindness is on her tongue..."

'Born to Jewish parents, but brought up in a non-observant home,

'he came to the community for help after the death of his father.'

"..and let her be praised in the gates of her own deeds."

'Since then, the community has taken him in as one of their own.'

Could you please turn the light off, please?

Brad, in Jewish school you don't...

Oh, so I'm supposed to sleep in here with lights on? How's that?

By the way, Bradley's not so... He's a very religious guy...

-Ignore this one. Excuse me.

-He hasn't yet practised all the religious purposes.

You're not allowed to ask a non-Jewish person

to switch the light, you have to explain them,

"I'm not allowed to sleep with the light on,"

so you should understand to switch it off.

Is he cross with you now?

He's upset because I told him that's not the way the Jewish law goes.

I didn't mean anything bad to him, just to help him out,

because he wants to learn, but maybe he doesn't like when people tell him what to do.

I'm not meaning to tell him what to do, just to help him out.

'It was our final night in Uman, and after four days

'of religious observance, we were on our way

'to the post-festival concert.'

BAND PLAYS

'The headline act was Stamford Hill's own Shimmy Goldstein,

'a friend of the boys.'

-How was it?

-Without Shimmy, it would have been...

Shimmy rocked it! He's my bro, man!

Shimmy, he's going to be the king of the singers of the world!

Look at me, guys! Look at me, look at me! Are you guys ready?

He's the strongest man in Stamford Hill.

Any problem, any way, you call him, he'll sort it out.

-Like this! Pick me up!

-Even the police are scared of him!

-Sorry?

-Even the police are scared of him!

Not easy to arrest someone like that!

Not easy to arrest somebody with that...

Ohh!

Show them your six pack!

Show them your six pack! Look!

-You popped my button!

-Show them your chest!

Nice!

'I'd had a great time in Uman.

'Avi and the boys all took their faith seriously,

'but there was a sense of fun at the festival I hadn't expected.'

BEEPING

'It made me look again at the faces around Stamford Hill

'and wonder if, under their hats and coats,

'they were more like me than I had ever imagined.'

So did you hear, I went to, er...?

-Yes, Uman you went to.

-Yeah.

Yes. Ah, well, you found them nuts?

-Who?

-You found them all nuts there?

-Who?

-Those people, the whole load of people who come there.

They throw their emotions into their religion.

Religion's not an emotional thing, religion is understanding.

An extreme way of life is not the religious way of life.

Having children and going normally, that is the normal way of life, and living with a wife and a partner.

-I'm just going with the people that sort of invited me along.

-Yes, of course you are.

But let's say, er, there are rabbis who pray all day, but prayer is not made for all day.

It's made to pray to have whatever time you want to pray -

a bit in the morning, come home, sit down with your family, have a normal life,

Friday night, make Kiddush, sit down with your family, together on one table.

That's the normal way of life.

These people don't spread the normal way of life at all, and if you think they do,

or anybody watching, there's something wrong with them.

Do you think I wasted my time going to Uman then,

-and trying to understand things?

-Definitely. And it's not...

If to Avi that helps him stay religious, fair enough, good enough,

but I don't think it, I can't see him staying more religious through going to Uman.

Do you think so? Do you think Avi's going to be a more religious person,

a more upstanding person, through going to Uman?

Well, Avi was quite loving towards me.

Towards you, maybe.

Maybe it does do something for Avi.

But I think there are more important things which could do Avi.

Structure, studying would be more important.

Had Avi stayed at home and studied, it would've been more important.

Stayed with his family, more important than going away.

Wouldn't you think so?

Wouldn't you think the new year, spending it with your family, is more important than going to Uman?

Maybe he does that at a different time, no?

-No, no, he doesn't do it at all.

-He's a big family man.

-Not really.

God cries when there's a divorce and God cries when there's a couple not getting along.

Your aim in life is to get along and break your character.

That's what life... Control of yourself, understanding not to give you the...

to go after your desires, that's what Jewish married life is about.

But Avi doesn't understand that.

Avi doesn't understand because his father died when he was very young.

-That's Jewish life.

-I thought you'd be pleased I went to Uman.

I'm not pleased at all.

I think you photographed a completely wrong concept of the Jewish religion.

'I couldn't argue with Gaby on religious grounds,

'but to me, family seemed hugely important to Avi.'

KNOCK AT DOOR

'When I caught up with him, he was back on the trail of a match for Toli.'

-Hi, Toli.

-Hello, Paddy, how are you?

-Nice to see you.

-Hello, I'm Toli. How are you?

-I'm good. Yourself?

-Good.

-Hello.

-Hello, how are you?

-Fine.

How do you feel about that, Toli?

Yeah, it's OK. To hear, there's no harm in hearing.

-Would you meet her?

-Yeah!

'For a week of every year, the Stamford Hill residents celebrate Sukkot,

'a festival commemorating the 40 years when the Israelites

'were wandering in the desert, living in temporary shelters.'

'Today, Avi is building his sukkah, as instructed by the 325th commandment.'

It's made of wood. Mine is not made of wood.

He used to take wood and knock with hammer, with nails and stuff.

I remember I came out with my daddy in the back garden in Israel,

we took all these bits of garbage and we knocked it together

because we didn't have any money to make proper sukkah.

That's a proper one, really. It was interesting.

-Is that one of your great memories of being with your dad?

-Yeah, it is, yeah.

I don't have much memories of him, but that's one thing I remember.

TRAFFIC PASSES

That's my father in his wedding.

-With the beard there?

-With the beard there.

This is my father holding me when I was a baby.

I think my father and me is maybe the only picture I've got.

HE PRAYS

How old were you when your father died?

I was seven years.

How do you think your behaviour was affected

by not having your dad?

I think if I had a dad,

I don't know for sure, but I think I might've not gone to prison

and not gone through a lot of stuff in my life,

because there would've been somebody I respect and he would tell me,

"Do not cross the line here, do not cross the line there," and...

I wouldn't blame that because I did not have a father

I've done silly stuff, but, er...

There was no-one to tell you "don't do this" and "don't do that",

-and "you're going in the wrong direction".

-That's right.

-So you sort of got into a bit more trouble.

-Yeah.

'Two weeks later, the match Avi planned for Toli in Stamford Hill

'had hit a dead end, so they were taking their search further afield.'

Avi?

-Yes, Paddy?

-Where are we?

We are in Israel, in the Holy Land, on the way to Jerusalem from the airport.

And why have we come here?

We came here for a few reasons.

We came here for my father's, um, death anniversary,

it's 33 years to his death.

And we came here, hopefully, to find a match for Toli.

Does this feel like coming home to you?

It is, of course. That's my home.

APPLAUSE AND CHEERING

Oh, wow, wow, what's going on here?

He's working for me, he's my manager in Israel. My brother-in-law works with me, also.

He's also working with us, he's doing the running about, going to banks and solicitors, signing contracts.

-My brother.

-The whole gang?

Yeah, the whole gang.

The whole company.

Friends and colleagues have joined Avi to commemorate his father.

We're ready for the prayers.

After leading prayers at the Wailing Wall, Avi visits his father's grave.

Outside of the time he spent in prison, he's come back here every year of his adult life.

My father, my uncle, my grandfather, my father's father, and my father's mother.

PRAYER IN HEBREW

-Shalom.

-Shalom.

Avi hadn't seen his mum since the wedding of his eldest son, Itchu Meir. So this is home?

This is the home, that's where we're going to stay for the next few days.

Welcome to Israel.

Shalom.

Thank you.

I'm very fortunate, thank you very much.

I'm going to the smoking area.

-She's not going to stop now, is she?

-She can carry on and on, yeah, until someone stops her.

She's a bulldozer.

Finally, Toli had a date.

Later that night at his brother-in-law's housewarming party, Avi was presented

with an ideal opportunity to instigate some further research into the suitability of Toli's match.

THEY SING

-Shalom.

-Shalom.

Do you think she's done a good job, your mum?

Oh, yeah.

Couldn't be better.

She got on the phone straight away, didn't she?

That's right, yeah. She was on the phone, she spoke the right words, she arranged the right arrangement.

-What's that, Toli?

-I'm saying if we come late, we've already started on the wrong foot, which is no good.

-I think Toli's excited.

-He's upset that he might...

Excited, excited.

We won't be late, we'll be on time.

HE ASKS DIRECTIONS

-Where is it?

-Just here behind us.

Good luck, Toli.

I'm nervous. I'm more nervous than Toli was before.

But they've only met for an hour.

They don't really, they couldn't really know, could they?

They can know within a...

Yeah, I mean, don't forget, in my mother and father's generation, they didn't even meet for an hour,

they met maybe for one minute, two minutes, said hello to each other and they say yes, no, no, yes, you know?

Now, some Hasidim are getting married after meeting

an hour, an hour and a half, and getting engaged.

Here, on the left.

Where?

Oh, yeah. Take it off, take off, take off. Put that down.

-Is he there?

-Yeah, put it down.

-Oh, he's there.

Yeah. Put it down.

-Shalom.

-How are you?

-I'm fine.

-I suppose you're the father?

-I'm the father, yeah.

-Nice to meet you.

Thank you. Nice to meet you, too.

-Thanks, nice to meet you.

-Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, please.

I don't want her to look back. Paddy, put it down.

-OK, is she looking, is she looking?

-I don't know. Just wait a second, all right, just a minute.

-She's gone.

-She's gone?

-Yep.

-She's gone down, it's OK.

-How did it go?

It was great. It was great, actually.

Yeah, it went quite well.

-You like her a lot?

-Yeah, she's OK.

Do you think you can end up with her, being together in such a car, like here?

What do you think, Toli?

-You think one day you and her can sit, sit in such a car?

-Maybe, yeah, maybe.

-Initial thought, yeah?

-Yeah.

-Possibly?

-Yeah, it's possible.

She was also nervous?

She, she wasn't nervous, no.

-Do you think she met a lot of boys before?

-Yeah, she told me she did.

-She did meet a few?

-She's met a few.

-Actually, today is her birthday.

-Really?

-She's 20 today.

Wow.

The conversation went smooth, everything went... Yeah?

-Yeah, the two hours flew.

-Really?

-Flew.

Do you think she liked you?

-Yeah, I think so, yeah.

-Well done. Of course she liked you, Toli.

Who wouldn't like you?

No further questions.

-Shall we get an ice cream?

-Yeah, why not?

-Toli?

-Yeah?

-Have you spoken to her about that you want to work and live in England?

-I have, actually.

-Yes, and?

Um, she's not happy about it.

She wants to be near her family, which is very understandable.

-She wants to stay in Israel?

-Yeah, which is very understandable.

Would you come to live in Israel, if you think she's nice and everything, you like her?

-Yeah, I suppose so.

-You would?

If she's the right one.

Toli?

I think Toli likes her, if he's prepared to move to Israel, he's already thinking about it.

If he's willing to live in Israel, he likes her.

It's Sabbath in Stamford Hill.

For 24 hours in the community, everything comes to a halt,

as residents prepare themselves for a day of rest.

It felt like a good time to say goodbye.

What have done with the candles? You've bent them.

-I didn't.

-Look, it's all bent!

-I found them like that in the cupboard.

-Don't be silly.

How can you find... You were trying to put this on and it bent.

No, it was like that...

You didn't leave it,

couldn't wait till I did it.

TRAIN RUSHES PAST

You know, when I came here, I never expected to meet anyone quite like you, Avi.

It says in the book that there is no Rabbi who doesn't make any things, everyone, nobody's perfect.

You've got to try to do your best to be bound to the Torah,

as much as you can, to do the best, but, er, you cannot be perfect.

-You're not perfect?

-No-one is perfect.

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