Be Cats, Not Mice The Call Centre

Just giving a call-up to help lower the cost of your energy bills.

Are you the bill payer? MAN ON PHONE: I am.

Nev Wilshire is CEO of Swansea's third largest call centre.

Get out, get out!

What sums up my management style? Some say I'm barking orders,

'some say I'm barking mad.'

Woof. Oh, sorry.

But there's life in the old dog yet.

DOG BARKS OVER PHONE

'Not again, not again.'

It's an industry that now employs over a million people

in the UK with an average age of just 26.

'Oh, piss off.'

Call centres are the factories of our time.

Get these deals, make these calls, that's what I'm talking about.

I think I just dialled your missus by mistake.

But times have been tough.

A few years ago the Queen had an annus "horribis" - a horrible year.

We've had an annus anus...

it's been tough.

Go on.

Don't yawn.

More than ever,

Nev's relied on his unique approach to motivating his young work force.

Oh, Johnny!

Now he's fighting back...

See, that's what you've got to beat.

We're making money again now, yeah. Go for it then.

..with his loyal troops right behind him.

Our main challenge in HR is...

Hey, Jeff, you're looking good.

I was going to say Nev then, don't say that.

Morale is on the up...

CHEERING Yeah!

..for this Swansea call centre,

where victory is only a cold call away.

Are you not entertained?

What's it like to be in charge of 600 people?

It's an endurance, sometimes it's a marathon,

sometimes you have to sprint to keep up,

but I love it, absolutely love it.

Welcome to Nev's world.

In Swansea, it's summer time

and the call centre is sweltering in the heat.

We need fans we do, we haven't got many fans in here.

Oh, I dunno.

My make-up's melting now. Ooft.

Some staff are getting hot under the collar.

Have you heard of the incentives available for solar?

WOMAN ON PHONE: 'Yeah.'

The Government need the country to be more green by,

they've given us a target of 2020. If that's not done obviously

we're going to get, hmm, they're going to get, er...

WOMAN: Hello.

I just flat-out just choked on a call.

I couldn't think of a word.

Shit.

Shit, shit, shit, shit, shit, shit.

Luckily, CEO Nev Wilshire's on hand to maintain the higher

standards on the sales floor.

On your feet, get on your feet. Get on your feet.

Sell standing up, come on, pace around now. I don't want to.

IMITATING HER: "I don't want to."

Loosen up, loosen up. Have you loosened up?

No.

Give it one of these, brrr. Brrr.

Come on!

No, I can't do that.

I'm going to kick you up the arse in a minute.

Don't you do that, I'm sensitive. Come on then, let's get in it.

I'm with it, I'm doing it. Hello?

Hello, I'm Rachel, I'm calling from Save Britain Money

and we're offering a way to save you money on electricity bills.

She's engaged, she's engaged. She's all right, up and running.

It means that you don't have to...

Up and running.

She's on a sale.

Nev spent years working 24/7 to build up his call centre empire.

But sometimes even high-powered businessmen need a break.

Holidays? Er, last year, I managed to squeeze in one week.

Needless to say,

I take my laptop with me and the mobile phone is on all the time,

so, yeah, never away from it totally,

but as you get bigger and you've got more of a management structure,

then it is easier to take a little bit of time off.

During his week away,

Nev's leaving his empire in the hands of his brightest and best -

maverick shift manager Twe and his son, Phil.

So I'm going on holiday, right, and here's the hat to prove it.

This is the holiday hat, the much-travelled holiday hat. OK.

This has been around the world. Yeah, it's a nice hat.

Well, it's been to Tenby anyway.

It's a nice hat. It is a good hat, isn't it? Yeah.

OK, so while I'm away,

it's vital that we hit our next target for September,

so make sure that you keep driving it.

Keep people happy, keep the motivation going.

Keep the beat going? Do you care? Keep the sweets flowing.

As you know, when the cat's away, the mice will play.

Don't be mice. Be cats. Right.

Be fellow cats, right?

Do not take the piss while I'm away, right,

cos I will have eyes and ears everywhere. Uh-huh. OK.

Now, rearrange this well-known phrase or saying -

Off...bugger.

I think I get the message. Cheers, thanks, Nev. Thanks.

Thanks for coming in. See you again. Thanks, son.

Enjoy your holiday, Nev. Bring back something nice.

I'll try my very best. I'll bring you back some rock.

If we don't set the building on fire, I think he'll be thrilled.

Yeah.

I think that was his polite way of saying no practical jokes or

anything like that while he's away and just create an emphasis

to make sure that there's still a business here when he gets back.

Yeah, bit daunting going away.

Most people would really look forward to it.

Sometimes I shit myself when I'm going away,

thinking of leaving it to Twe and Phil and it's what we said,

you know, surround yourself with good people and the rest is easy.

I just need to find some good people now and away we go.

Nev's not the only one taking a well-earned break

from the call centre.

Nev's tea trolley queen Hayley

But busting a gut while the boss is away isn't on everyone's agenda.

I think it's a bit more relaxed when he's not here.

When the big boss goes, people just feel like oh.

Like they're not on edge as much.

# So wake me up when it's all over. #

These are my decks. Friday, we have the decks out. Oh!

They're cool, aren't they? Like decks on a Friday.

One person who won't be resting on their laurels in Nev's absence

is his dedicated shift manager, Twe.

'Nev going on holiday means that every person in the company

'has to step up and show what they can do when the boss is away.'

You know, over this next week,

I just want you guys to get used to this new product.

'I look up to Nev massively and I've got the same ambitions'

that Nev had when he was my age.

I think when Nev was my age, he was starting his own heating business

and he was a millionaire

and that's where I want to be in five years' time, you know.

Is that cool? Who'd have thought?

Let's get it on, let's go down by here. Pen and papers. Yes, please.

Er, it's Jen calling from Save Britain Money.

Have you ever looked at solar panels before, sir?

PHONE HANGS UP

Or you can just hang up on me.

Just back from a long holiday is sales agent Jennie who's been

a key player in Nev's call centre family for the past two years.

I went away to Bulgaria for three months,

basically just repping, bar crawls, partying.

You name it, we done it.

Just to get an experience really

and now I'm back in the call centre.

But since her return, 21-year-old Jennie

is struggling to shake the holiday hangover.

Another reason why I called back is

because there's a new company incentive.

OK, well, even if... PHONE HANGS UP

Phew, I'm going to flip now in a minute.

'It just catches up with you'

but I think I've drunk so much out there, all my...

What do you call them now?

Brain cells and stuff,

they've all just disintegrated and I can't concentrate on anything.

My liver's packed in. When I cough, it hurts.

I think it's my liver anyway.

I just can't concentrate.

And it's not just Jennie's brain cells that are on the slide.

So how are you on one deal today?

Because all of... And like Rachel's on five. Sean's on four.

That's good for Sean.

I mean, I have been trying.

So what's happened? Have you just been unlucky? Yeah, like always.

With Nev on a plane to Hawaii,

it's up to Twe to re-energise Jennie in his own unique way.

'My management style is a bit different to other people's.

'I do try and get the best through'

having a laugh and having a very motivationally-creative sales talk.

All right, we come in here, bring in a lot of rotten fruit,

veg and eggs cos I'll give you guys a bit of an early finish as well.

We'll just throw it at the rest of the sales guys

and then run the BLEEP out of here. Yeah.

You'd like that, wouldn't you?

'But, you know, there's a line in the sand.

'You can have humour up until that, but then if results aren't coming in'

and people still expect to mess around and have lots of banter,

then they're fundamentally wrong.

Do you want to just help yourself to a seat, Jen?

Ah, so how's things?

Not too bad.

Not too bad? Hmm.

What do you mean by "not too bad?"

Just struggling in sales at the minute. I've lost me touch.

Why do you think you're struggling?

I think I'm just burnt out.

Burnt out?

You do realise you had three months off in the summer,

don't you? And you're burnt out?

I don't know what it is.

I know I can sell and I know I can do it, it's just, I dunno,

I've tried every angle, I've looked at every script

and it's just not working. OK.

You were a top seller a few months ago before you went to Bulgaria,

drunk yourself dry over what, three months,

every night for three months?

I haven't seen one ounce of the personality that you had

since you've come back. I left it in Bulgaria by accident.

Yeah, no, you've pissed it up, pissed it away, you have.

All your personality.

But having worked with Nev for over five years,

Twe's got a few motivational tricks up his sleeve.

OK, first things first.

I'm going to talk to you about perception, OK?

From five o'clock to six o'clock tonight,

you watch a wildlife programme based on lions

and how lions survive in the wild.

Now, lions eat gazelles, OK, lions eat gazelles.

LAUGHING: Lions eat gazelles.

Listen, hear me out. Listen to this, lions eat gazelles. Yeah.

So there's a little lion cub, it hasn't eaten for a week, OK?

And you're on the side of the lion cub because that's your perception.

So, you want the mother to kill the gazelle.

But guess what, once that programme ends, from six till seven,

you're then watching a programme about gazelles

and you're thinking, "Oh, BLEEP. Go on, little gazelle,

"get away from that lion."

Why? Because 60 minutes previous, you wanted that gazelle to be dead,

cos that was your perception.

You know, your perception's in your head.

It's not in anyone else's head and you need to change it.

Getting sales is very much like making a suit.

You've got to tailor your pitch and your management style to that

person depending on how that suit will fit them,

and you can be loud, brash and get things done through comedy

or the flip side of that coin is, you've got to, you know,

sit down and be quite timid and quite educational with people.

So what are you? A lion or gazelle?

An ant. A what?

An ant. An ant?

The process of managing through analogies, hmm, manalogement.

The only thing I ask is that you be a bit open-minded

and turn that frown upside down.

It's hard, do you know what I mean?

When, yeah, you've had these pep talks,

you've put yourself in a situation where you think,

"Right, PMA, Positive Mental Attitude.

"I'm going to get it this time."

And there's only so many times you've been knocked back

before you're just fed up and can't be arsed any more.

Do you know what I mean?

As much as I want to believe...

I'm not, I do believe...

No, I don't. That's it, I don't believe it.

I don't believe I can do it any more, so I have given up.

While Twe's trying to raise morale,

Phil's keen to use Nev's absence as a chance to shine.

'This business means a hell of a lot to all of us'

and, you know, to Nev because it's his

and to me because this is going to be mine,

so if I make an error, it can have massive ripple effects.

Right, so we've got some mammoth targets to hit now in September,

so we've decided that we're going to take the call centre on the road

using the Nev bus.

We're going to go street to street and try and find the people

who want cavity or loft insulation for free.

Pretty positive someone will draw a moustache on him

or deface him in some sort of way.

You know, I think it will be well received,

so I think we'll get some good sales out of it.

Phil's chosen his trustee lieutenants Twe and Dwain

to lead the off-site sales drive.

What is it, and why? What is it? It's a Nev bus.

I like it.

Yeah.

THEY LAUGH

Basically, we're going to try and fill it up with canvassers. Right.

And get people out in the field, selling door to door,

using the brand Nev.

Come on you, guys, come on in.

This is where the action is.

Phil's taking a dozen of the call centre's top sellers

off the phones and onto the Nev bus

and Hayley's jumped at the chance to abandon her tea urns

and get out in the sun.

Let's roll.

Ready? Yeah.

Let's go.

I want to go on the Nev bus.

It looks like fun.

I think they'll enjoy it.

It's better than sitting in an office all day, it's gross.

Back at base, with the cats away,

it doesn't take long for the mice to play.

Yeah, look at that one.

Hello?

Ah, this will brighten up the day.

We should do loads of them and stick them on the ceiling.

THEY LAUGH

This is how productive my day is. Oh, shit.

I'm way too hung-over - all I can think about is feeling,

just being sick.

I'm really sorry, I'm really sorry.

Phil's master-plan to boost profits

is to drive a hit squad of top sellers across town

to the affluent Mumbles Bay.

OK, Hayles, are you ready? Yeah.

OK. I'm nervous and I'm only giving out sweets.

It's...a high income area. It's posh, it's too posh for me.

Yeah, will you tone it down a bit around here?

Hello there, my name's Steve, I'm part of the Save Britain Money Group.

Have you had all your wall insulation done at all, or...?

WOMAN: Oh, no. Is that something you would be interested in?

No? All right, no problem.

But in the hot Swansea sun, the team make a slow start.

Er, today, in total, zero.

And as the day goes on,

the door-to-door sales drive is proving harder than Phil thought.

We've knocked a few, haven't we? Yeah, we've done a few.

Yeah, we've done a few.

All done. All done round here, yeah? All done, yeah. No luck.

Everyone's been done. Right. So we'll move on then.

Particularly at the top. Yeah.

All right. Let's go.

Thanks very much. All right, bye. Take care. Bye-bye.

Someone took a sweet off me anyway.

Yeah, but they didn't sign up, did they?

I couldn't interest you in a free survey as well to get

that looked at?

WOMAN: No. Right, not a problem at all.

Thank you very much for your time and all the best to you, all right.

I just felt like a bit of a twat, standing there. OK, sweet.

Do you know what I mean? I was just, I don't know what to do,

I feel like, I feel stupid walking around.

I need more...

I don't know. This is a very posh area as well,

so I don't think, I don't think I fit in up here.

Yeah, that was just a pointless conversation as well because...

SHE LAUGHS

I'm not even lying, there's wasps all over me!

Right, come on. There's wasps, there's wasps!

Trust me, he's gone. There's a BLEEP wasp on me.

I'm not even lying, there's a wasp on me. It's gone.

It's on my face!

Right. Oh, BLEEP this, guys.

It's following me, look at it chasing me.

That's not even funny.

Oh, my God. Right, come on.

How can we look professional when there's wasps chasing us?

I know, come on, Dwain's team have already done this, I think.

Have they, they've had one?

No, they've gone all the way up there.

There's wasps following us now.

HE GROANS

Without Twe to raise spirits and Nev still on holiday,

those remaining at the call centre are a little lacklustre.

It's a bit weird him not being here, his loud mouth shouting up and

down the floor, but, you know, yeah, it's a lot quieter, I must admit.

It's dead in here actually. It's like a bloody morgue.

I don't know what's going on today.

Luckily, he's back to re-inject the mojo.

OK, guys, Twe's back!

Or is he?

Come on, guys.

Come on, guys, get back on the phones, dialling.

Is that cool? Brilliant.

THEY LAUGH

Is that cool? Is that cool?

Beautiful, beautiful. Is that cool?

Let's get it on.

APPLAUSE AND CHEERING

Back in the field, Phil's door-to-door sales drive

isn't proving the instant success he hoped.

Well, we've had a few...couple of interests.

So, yeah, we're just trying to find the ones that haven't been done yet.

And in the face of adversity, Phil's decided to beat a retreat.

I'm going to head off, so make sure the guys keep it up. Yeah.

We almost had one, but it didn't work out.

Keep up the good work, mate.

With a bit of luck, we'll get some results out here now.

Yeah, superb. And if they haven't been done, we'll get them done.

Good man, good man. Right. Right, keep it up. Take it easy, all right?

Despite being asked to keep business on track by his dad,

the commercial director has a bombshell to drop.

For the rest of the week, I am now on holiday,

so I'm going abroad now, so hmm, yeah, I'm going

to leave it in the capable hands of Twe and Dwain.

The safe, safe hands, hmm.

So, yeah, I'm off now, so I'll be back...

I'm on the end of a mobile, I've got my e-mails,

so I'll find the scores whilst I'm away. All right?

But while Phil may have disappeared, Twe's problems haven't.

TWE LAUGHS NERVOUSLY

Right, come on then, let's go.

It can be dangerous, you know, lions, tigers,

all forms of wildlife.

With their tails between their legs, Twe's team call it a day

and head for home.

With Phil on a fast track to a sun lounger,

Twe is now sailing the sales ship alone.

To add to the pressure,

a certain CEO has called in for a company progress update.

Got a call with Nev,

probably to rub in how much of a nice time he's having.

He'll probably question why Phil has sent me in the field,

instead of being in the call centre.

I'm still waiting for an answer on that one,

so he's going to have to wait for the answer off Phil

except Phil's in Egypt.

So he's going to have to wait another two weeks for that answer.

Nev doesn't know that we've been going out in the field

actually seeing customers.

NEV ON PHONE: 'Twe.' Hello, what's going on, Nev?

I'm all the better for seeing your ugly mug.

Ah, lovely. It looks... Not.

It looks like you're having a nice time.

That's a nice shirt. It looks like my nan's curtains.

Really?

Ah, you're jealous, Twe. Yeah.

Anyway, er, what's happening back at the ranch?

Well, you know you told us to look after the call centre?

Yes. I haven't been here the last few days.

Yes. We've been in the field knocking doors.

Right.

So basically my instructions just weren't followed at all?

Hmm, it was...

So everybody was out knocking doors?

It was an executive decision to force us to do it by Phil.

Where is Phil now?

TWE LAUGHS

Phil's in Egypt.

Really?

Phil's gone to Egypt.

I see.

Right.

So both of you have abandoned your posts?

No, I was at, I wanted to stay in the call centre.

If this had happened to Napoleon, by now, you would be shot.

Right, yeah.

All right, I'm going to have to go, Twe, the battery's going.

All right, no worries. Have a nice holiday, Nev.

Have a nice holiday. See you next week.

See you next week. Ta-ta.

Ah, so, whose decision was it to send me in the field then,

that I get shit for and now he's gone to Egypt? Thanks, Phil.

HE SIGHS

The door-knocking team are back at the call centre but Hayley's still

getting distracted from covering the absent tea lady's round.

No wonder Nev jumps in the air where there's a gap,

and it looks good where people just click.

Did I do it? Did I do it?

So for the sales agents in the other building, it's self-service.

Trying to fend for ourselves, stirring coffee with a fork.

Using cups instead of spoons for measuring.

How do you do it?

You know people flick their legs in the air at the same time.

Doing acrobats.

With his ears still ringing from Nev's video call,

Twe's banking on his trade mark motivational skills to get

the call centre back up to speed.

Looking at the board, I know you're struggling

so I've got a little bit of motivation for you.

Take that, play with that as much as you want,

but, let's get some deals out of it. All right, champ?

Twe has given Festja a little motivational tool.

So, as you can see,

it's all women with their boobs out.

Well, they haven't got them out but, you know, they might as well

have them out, so since he's given this to Festja,

like it goes all different ways,

Festja seems to have a bit more motivation, but obviously

I'm not very impressed because I haven't got anything like that so

I'm going to have to make something for me with all men on it, I think.

Twe's also still keeping tabs on Jennie but it seems some issues

will take more than a bit of eye candy to solve.

Was it yourself I spoke to last week?

WOMAN ON PHONE: No, I don't know anything about this.

All right, so you haven't looked at solar energy before?

I have but I'm going to have to leave it

because I'm thinking about selling the house.

Jennie's just having one of them days

when she's feeling very down.

She hates everyone, hates everything,

hates this job, hates speaking to people, hates the phones.

Everyone has them days, everyone.

Hi, it's Jen calling from Nationwide Energy Services,

the company who surveys... MAN: Not again, not again.

When you're sitting down, day in, day out, doing the same thing,

looking at the same wall every single day,

I think it can get you mentally, you know.

Could you knock me off the list?

Yeah, that's fine, no problem. Thanks. Thank you.

Determined to get Jennie back on track,

Twe's called her in for an early morning sales masterclass.

Er, I'm making two coffees this morning -

one for myself, one for Jennie.

She's due in in 16 seconds.

But it looks like poor Twe has been stood up.

It's not about coming in three minutes early

or any prescribed amount of time early,

it's the fact that she needed help with sales and I'm willing to come

in early and invest my time and my effort and my energy into trying

to earn her commission, and she can't be bloody bothered to turn in.

Ten minutes early. Rob, what time were you in this morning?

Yeah, but you come in a good bit early, don't you,

to get your shit sorted?

Do you really think I've got ten minutes to give you every morning,

just to give you pitch practice and stuff like that, because I don't.

Oh, yeah, I've got pitch practice, have I?

Yeah, you had it, 25 minutes ago? 22 minutes ago.

I tried but...

OK, well, obviously, you don't need my help

doing pitch practice and stuff like that,

so I know you finished on zero yesterday. Yeah.

I know, but I tried my hardest. Jen, I've done talking with you.

I needed to be in half an hour early but I tried my best.

I did, I tried my best.

With her call centre career in free fall,

Jennie turns to best friend Hayley for advice.

When I was on the phones and I weren't getting deals,

you feel pressured and it pisses you off, don't it,

cos you know you can do it and you've done it before.

That's what's so frustrating, cos I used to smash them up before.

Like, as I said, deals are worth trying,

but now because it's like shit, we're not getting deals, you,

you try them all and you're just getting more pissed off.

I don't know. I don't know. Just...

Monday morning at the call centre and while Phil is still on holiday,

Twe's preparing for the big boss's return.

Let's make this first shift an absolutely rocking one

and let's show Nev what we, what we're capable of doing.

Is that cool?

Nev's back from Hawaii

and on his way in to see how they've coped without him.

Before I went, I was thinking, "Oh, boy

"can I afford to leave this," you know,

with everything that's going on, and coming back and it's...

Feeling trepidation, what am I about to get hit with today?

Nev's a tough guy to please.

Do I think he'll be happy with the job I've done?

No, I think he'll kick me up the arse

but that's all part of Nev's charm.

When there's things to be done, I prefer to be in there doing them,

rather than being on holiday, but it is nice to have a break,

it's nice to go and catch a bit of sun,

but we've got work to do, we've got a lot of work to do.

Twe buggers off on the van, Phil buggers off on holiday

and everything is all over the place.

Here we go.

Morning.

Let's go and see what's happened.

Oh, shit.

Nothing that can't be sorted.

How much could they cock up in a week?

Oh, no.

HE CHUCKLES

Nev wants to get to the bottom of Phil's door-to-door day out,

but as his son's conveniently absent, Twe is carrying the can.

Twe, we need a meeting.

I need a bus, I need a bus meeting.

With Ben, with you, with Gherkin, with anybody,

I want to find out who's surveying behind the bus,

I want to know everything about it.

I can't believe Phil has gone on holiday and left, you know,

the same time I was on holiday.

I want a meeting, I want to sort it out. All right?

Ten o'clock would be bloody marvellous.

I'll see you at ten.

Nev's senior management team is ready to face the music,

apart from the acting conductor, that is.

Supposed to be there about ten minutes ago.

You haven't seen Ben, have you?

Where to? Upstairs? 'Top floor, yeah.'

Oh, right. Cheers, love.

You haven't seen Ben or Nev, have you?

Yeah, he's still in a meeting downstairs.

Oh, downstairs, is it?

'I left Phil and Twe in charge and they've abandoned their posts.

'It's a lack of direction, a lack of oversee and a lack of management

'so you don't shout at the Indians, you shout at the chief.'

I can't shout at Phil cos he's gone to Egypt

where he's still sunning himself.

So, Twe is here so I'll yank him in and growl at him.

Hiya.

Sorry, I was trying to find...

Sorry, I was just on my way over and I didn't know

if you were upstairs, downstairs or...

Sorry, Nev, how was your holiday? It was fantastic. Fantastic.

Couple of basics, right,

that seem to be going awry with the bus.

Before we go rushing in to anything, we've got to start thinking.

Plan it, think it, bring it all together.

A team of what, 20 people,

18 people on a bus for three hours?

Think of the time and the wages just on that.

All that diesel and all those hours of wasted time.

An absolute howler of a call, howler.

Time behind the wheel of the bus - you're burning, not earning.

Remember? You want to be earning, not burning.

Basics.

The science of selling.

Proper planning prevents piss-poor performance.

That is a howler of a decision, howler.

If you're in management, you know,

you've got to take some responsibility for that.

You're going to take some responsibility,

you're going to take some responsibility for it.

You've got to.

So, as I see it, the motivation was great, the enthusiasm was great,

but we've rushed off headlong and cocked it up.

It was a bit like school.

Unfortunately, in schools sometimes,

the headmaster don't know the full story

so the headmaster bollocks everyone.

Usually, it would have been Phil sitting in the boardroom

with us as well, taking that heat.

Phil could have deflected a lot of questions,

because it was his idea to send me and the guys to the field,

however, good work, Phil.

Enjoy Mexico or Egypt or wherever you are.

In Nev's absence, fuel and man hours

aren't the only thing that have been wasted.

Hayley's still not got round to serving drinks

in the other tea lady's building

and she could be the next target in Nev's sights.

The problem we've got over here is that milk there,

that warm milk on a warm day won't fit in the fridge

cos there is all this and all that

as a result of Hayley not doing the tea round as she should.

So, cock-up on the tea lady front

and we need to rectify it, so hence, she gets a bollocking.

Hayley, listen to me.

We've got equivalent of three cows' worth of milk in there.

I know, I've gone mad on them, they didn't cancel Steff's side.

No, it's not funny. I know.

Why don't you just take your responsibility seriously?

Get out there and give out tea over here now.

I am but...

Otherwise, I will get a new tea lady. You understand?

Don't ever, ever say that again.

New tea lady on its way, take it seriously.

You've got an hour to dish out loads of tea.

I know! An hour!

Why aren't you sprinting?!

That's better.

I think she got the message.

Nev has spoken but Hayley's misunderstood his orders again

and thinks she's moving to the other side permanently.

I'm going to have to tell them now the news,

that I'm no longer their tea lady.

That's quite sad but oh, well.

They're like a family to me.

I know they're not like a family over there, see,

they just, you know, they're not tight.

Bye.

Guys.

Hayley decides the news warrants an immediate staff meeting.

Everyone, I've got to make an announcement.

Just letting you all know, guys, my time has gone.

I am the tea lady over there from now on.

Here is my last day. I am gutted.

I'm gone after today. Why?

They want me over there now.

You can't leave. But, oh, well.

But Hayley's tearful farewell doesn't fit in

with Twe's motivational master plan.

If Nev's told you that and then you're telling these guys,

then they're going to get down and thinking,

"Oh, what are we, the rejects?"

He was basically saying,

"I don't know if you can see, Hayl, this is where it's all happening."

'The slightest bit of upheaval on the sales floor can have'

a massive ripple effect on sales.

From a management point of view,

any announcements that go to the floor do have to come

from management level and they do have to be worded in the right way,

not just blurted out.

Oh, I am going to miss everyone over here, I am.

I am crying, I am going to miss everyone.

SHE CHUCKLES

I'm going now for good.

Ah, I am sad.

Morale is still rock bottom for Jennie, who's been struggling

on the phone since returning from a long holiday in Bulgaria.

Luckily Nev's back to try and raise her spirits,

in a seriously loud shirt.

Hi, Jen, you all right? Yeah, I'm all right I suppose.

IMITATING HER: "I'm all right I suppose."

Do you mind if I sit, take this seat? Yeah, go ahead.

OK, I'll take it.

SHE LAUGHS

Jen, I've been told you've been a grumpy bastard this last week.

I know, I have.

So what happened to SW, SW, SW, N, you know, dust it off,

some will, some won't, so what? Let's press on.

Done and dusted. I couldn't take any more.

Was it? Yeah, stressed.

I had a midlife crisis.

21's not a midlife crisis.

Well, I was having a bit of a crisis. Were you?

I just couldn't do it any more.

Keep thinking, smile, right, things that make you laugh.

SW, SW, SW, N.

Think of something that makes you laugh.

Oh, God. Think of my shirt if you like.

It's a nice shirt, isn't it, Nev? Thanks.

SHE CHUCKLES

There it is, keep that smile on your face.

I'll try.

Uh-huh, uh-huh.

But even Nev's pep talk can't stop Jennie's mood plummeting.

Do you know, since she's come back and everything,

have you seen much of that?

She used to be loud, she used to be bubbly. No, I know.

She's not that person any more.

She's just feeling a bit like down and she can't do the job

and she's just pissed off... She can do the job.

She said she wants a new change in life,

but I think she does want to leave.

All right, well, I'll have a chat with her, then, and just ask her outright.

But it's all got too much for Jennie.

She's turned to the HR department to discuss her future.

If someone's drowning and I throw them a life preserver,

I expect them to put it on.

At the moment, she's not using it.

What's happening? I'm fine.

Are you OK? You don't look fine.

Do you want to chat for two minutes? Come in here and we'll have a chat.

Yeah.

It's obvious that you're a little bit down today and everything

so my role as well as HR's, isn't just to manage,

we're a support function as well, yeah?

My life is going downhill.

Oh, your life's not going downhill, you big numpty.

It is. I just can't do it.

You sound like a four-year-old.

You want to talk to people out there on the sales floor.

Jennie's lost it, her mojo,

she's lost the momentum that she had,

her confidence in selling has gone and the problem we've got is that

she doesn't seem to want to get it back.

From a HR point of view, hmm,

we're going to let you shoot off today, OK?

So, you and Hayley, get some curlers in,

and paint each other's toenails, whatever you've got to do to

make sure that you've got a smile on your face, do that and I will

allocate my time to making sure that we're getting sales for you.

Is that fair enough? OK.

I feel like shit, I look like shit so I'm not going to sell nothing

and I think the harder I try, the more I can't do it

and it annoys me, so maybe my time is done in sales.

Maybe I've got to move on.

I don't know.

Jennie's taking a few days off to consider her options.

Probably be better for me if she'd stuck around today.

As it stands right now,

we've still got to face that same problem on Friday,

which is turning Jennie's frown upside down.

Also wearing a frown is Nev.

He's just heard about Hayley's dramatic announcement to the

sales floor and he's not a happy bunny.

Can we get people off the phones and listening?

Guys, make that your last call.

It creates an us-and-them in the work force which

I have to eradicate and stamp on straightaway.

And if it means I've got to stamp on Hayley,

that's what's going to happen.

I can't have a tea lady making an announcement.

There was an announcement made here yesterday but a certain tea lady.

All that's happened is Steff is on holiday over that side

and we've got about three cows' worth of milk sat in the fridge

and on the floor over there, so I said, do both sides.

She's come back over here, making an announcement saying,

"I'm going, I'll never see you again."

OK, not the case, all she's got to do is both sides.

You're doing a great job, yeah?

You know, we're starting to lose a bit of atmosphere here

and Hayley coming round giving you all hugs and saying goodbye

does not enhance the atmosphere. Yeah.

OK? So I have to nail it.

OK, go and do some work. Bugger off.

Hayley's been summoned to Nev's office

and she's guessing it's not for a pay rise.

Oh, BLEEP. Phew.

BLEEP. I don't know.

I'm over here now. That's what he wanted.

I'm happy, it's Friday, everyone's in a good mood

and I'm probably going to go like that to that.

Hayley, can I give you one tip before you come in?

I swear, though, Nev...

Do not start arguing with me.

No, but Nev, I don't know what you're on about...

Do not start arguing with me, I'm telling you now.

I'm serious, I don't know whose side I'm on.

Then shut up and listen and learn.

Yeah, but I don't want you saying the wrong thing to me like.

I was... That was genuine. Hayley, go out and come back in. Don't argue with me.

I'm just not going to speak.

You're going to have to say something.

No, because I can't. Hayley, sit down.

You went over the other side yesterday and made an announcement,

behind my back... Correct.

..without by-your-leave to anybody.

In your position of high authority as tea lady,

you went over there and announced that you were no longer going

to be delivering tea over there. I know.

I had to say all my last goodbyes.

I don't think there's nothing wrong in that. Hayley.

When you're in a hole, stop digging.

There were no last goodbyes. You're doing both sides. OK.

Listen, what you've done was divisive.

But this is hard work what I'm doing to do now, isn't it? Listen.

You have created an "us-and-them" situation,

which I have had to go back over there and rectify.

Oh, I'm not allowed over this side, I've got to go back.

I've got to go over there.

I don't want to go over there but I've got to. Let me say my goodbyes.

Hayley, you were out of order by a million miles.

OK, I do see where you're coming from with the us-and-them thing

but it always has been an us-and-them thing, hasn't it?

It has been. When you're in a hole, stop digging.

OK.

The word is, "Sorry, Nev."

Sorry, Nev, but I, as... No.

No, I do see where you're coming from,

but can you see where I'm coming from? Do not.

If you qualify a sorry, you're out of order.

But do you know...? "I'm sorry, but" doesn't cut it.

OK, I'm sorry. "I'm sorry, however" is not good enough.

I'm sorry that I made it come across as an us-and-them.

You did. I know.

You dug a bloody great big trench between us.

I didn't know that I was the...

Hayley, you've been a bone idle bastard these last few weeks.

You're not working, you weren't working flat out.

It does make sense to me to be over here. Correct.

I know. It makes sense for you to be over both sides.

If you don't get around both sides today, I will kick your arse.

I ain't going to do all this side and that side. Yes, you are.

By half past two? Yes. Ah, OK.

Pull your finger out or I'm going to kick you up the arse. OK.

You deserve a kick up the arse now.

Sorry, I've got work to do. No, I do actually.

I've been saying it for ages that I need that flat out, you know, again.

What's the word? Sorry, Nev.

Piss off. Go on, out, out now!

She didn't blow a kiss that time.

Well, looks like I'm tea lady for both sides now then.

The tea and coffee is important.

I was annoyed and frustrated and disappointed and pissed off.

She's been a little madam and needed sorting out.

Jennie's back at the call centre

after a few days of serious soul-searching.

She's been offered an admin job at a rival call centre

and has made a big decision.

Can you give this to Twe for me, please?

What is it?

A notice letter.

OK, help yourself to a seat, Jen. Ah, thank you.

So, I had a letter dropped on my desk.

I think someone's playing an elaborate practical joke.

No, it's not a joke this time.

You're going to hand your notice in? Why?

Me and sales are done.

Hmm, ah.

THEY SIGH

You know I'll reluctantly accept it.

I mean, I will be sad to see you go.

We've worked together for quite a while.

'It does hurt a little bit.'

I'd be lying if I said I wasn't gutted

that she's going to a different place.

It's kind of like...

cheating on someone.

If you do go to this new role and you find that it's better

the devil you know, Twe, than the devil you don't know,

then the door will always be open here for you, OK?

OK, thank you. OK.

Despite everyone's best efforts,

Jennie's time in Nev's world is over.

I know this is probably going to be one of the best places

I'll ever work, but I can't stay here for ever, I suppose.

Jennie wants to break the news to the big boss in person.

Hello, Jen. Hiya, Nev.

Hiya. Are you all right?

Yeah, I'm fine.

Well, I've just come to let you know that I have handed my notice in.

You unmitigated ratbag.

SHE CHUCKLES

I know, I know. I don't want to leave, I really don't.

You miserable cow.

But this time... You horrible rat fink.

I know. Oh, how could you?

After all you've done for me.

Don't make this harder than it already is. Oh, Jen.

No, I really don't want to go but I think it's time in sales,

this time, just this time, I think sales have got the better of me.

I think it's come to the end of the road.

Are you crying? No.

You're crying. You big wuss.

Don't. Jen, Jen, life goes in cycles, right?

Just, you know, if you're here for a bit and you've learnt a lot,

you have, you've learnt a lot, you know. I know.

You've come on in loads of dimensions since you've been here,

so if you've got to move on to, you know, get a better

standard of living or to, to move your life on, that's what you do.

Oh.

Yes, if something comes in admin I would definitely,

definitely nag you to come back.

I don't know if my eyelashes have come off.

If my eyelashes come off, that's the end of it.

JEN SIGHS I've got no eyelash glue with me.

Haven't you? No.

Oh, hang on, I think I've got some here.

What are you like?

Oh, this is, this has put another dampener on my day.

Oh, Jen. I know.

SHE SIGHS

But oh, well.

You're going to have to give me a big hug.

Ah, thank you.

Don't, cos I'll cry again. Thank you.

HE PRETENDS TO WEEP

Thank you. Ah, well done, Jen. Thank you very much.

I hope it's a big success for you, I really do.

I hope so too, otherwise I'll be back, crying, Nev.

Ah, bye, Jen. Ta-ra. OK.

It's not nice when you lose somebody like Jennie.

She a big part of the call centre,

you know, she's a big character, and she's lovely.

She looks after people, so, yeah, I will, you know,

we will all miss her.

Nev's commercial director and youngest son, Phil,

is finally back from his spontaneous sun break in Egypt.

I've just got back from holiday,

same sort of time as my dad was away so I don't think

he was best pleased for that but I had a great deal so I went.

And though Twe took most of the flak for the bus brain wave,

Phil's not getting off totally scot-free.

You know, every dad, I would suppose, would want to

train his kids and teach them as much as he could...

..so they don't make the same mistakes that I've made.

Working hard is, you know, part and parcel of life.

Particularly if you're in business, you know,

it's no good trying to run your company from the beach.

Phil, come in.

Hello, hello.

Last father-to-son chat we had, you were teaching me chat-up lines.

No, I was telling you to keep it in your pocket as I recall it.

Bottom line, Phil, when I was away

and I briefed you and Twe to hold the fort. Yes.

And I come back, Twe's out on the bus

and you've buggered off on holiday.

What happened, did you have a cheapie?

I did have a cheapie. You had a cheap deal, did you?

Last minute. Last minute. Thanks, Phil.

And you just decided to bugger off on holiday?

Yeah.

I would have asked, but you weren't here.

Well, that is, that's a fair comment.

That is a fair comment.

What happens, right, the next, next in charge in the pecking order,

they just need direction, that's all, just direction and

there was nobody directing, there was nobody batting and bowling, Phil.

Yeah. All right? OK.

We charge on, we drive the business.

I will...

I'll make sure I'm here,

I'll try and last ten days next time you go away. OK.

Phil, you are in the shit.

You're in so much shit, I think you need a snorkel.

I'll go and get you a snorkel now.

Just hang on there now, while I go and get a snorkel.

Just a second. I'm all right.

No, just stay there a second. You'll be fine.

He is right.

I shouldn't have gone away.

I had a last-minute holiday deal that I couldn't have refused.

Well, I could've but I didn't,

so, yeah, he's right,

I shouldn't have left the business whilst he was away.

I should have been here to oversee it.

I think it was a bit silly.

Phil.

Oh, no expense spared with that snorkel.

No, there was every expense spared with that snorkel.

Put it on then. Let's see if it fits.

I'm all right, thanks. Go on, put it on, see if it fits.

What the hell has happened here? It's all twisted.

You just put it over your head, that's all.

It's twisted and mangled, that's all.

Do you want me to put it on for you too?

No, no, I've got this.

Does it do a lot for my sex appeal?

It... What do you think?

I would normally say you look like a count.

A count, yeah? A count. Is that misspelt or...?

Possibly.

John Wayne was the Duke, you are now the Count.

OK. All right?

Out you go. Bugger off. Thanks. Out, get out!

So long, Phil.

Give her a hug.

Oh, goodbye, Jen. Goodbye.

She will be back, though. Ah.

A lot of people have left this call centre in the past,

they all say they all miss this place -

the atmosphere, the banter, the amount of friends you get,

you make whilst working here, the fun that goes on,

so she will definitely miss it.

Always be my girlie.

Don't you ever replace me in this building.

I won't, no-one will replace you.

Well done. Good work.

They're all rolling in now.

Hold this a sec. Right.

Like a salmon. Here you go.

I don't know. I thought maybe,

I had it in my head that you'd do it a bit better than that.

A bit higher. THEY LAUGH

I suppose all good things have got to come to an end

and as one door closes, another door opens - that's the saying.

And I'm off. Cheers for that, guys.

Ta-ra.