You Can Lead a Horse to Water, but You Can't Make It Drink The Call Centre

Just a quick call in relation to helping lower the cost of your energy bills

by finding the right tariff available to you.

-Are you the bill payer?

-'I certainly am.'

Nev Wilshire is CEO of Swansea's third-largest call centre.

Get out! Get out!

What sums up my management style?

Some say I'm barking orders, some say I'm barking mad...

WOOF! Oh, sorry.

..but there's life in the old dog yet.

YAPPING IN BACKGROUND

'Not again. Not again.'

It's an industry that now employs over a million people in the UK,

with an average age of just 26.

'Oh, piss off!'

Call centres are the factories of our time.

Get these deals, make these calls. That's what I'm talking about.

Think I just dialled your missus by mistake, Cutters.

But times have been tough.

A few years ago, the Queen had an annus horribilis,

a horrible year.

We've had an annus anus - it's been tough.

-Go on.

-Don't yawn!

More than ever, Nev's relied on his unique approach

to motivating his young workforce.

Oh, Johnny!

Now, he's fighting back...

See, that's what you've got to beat.

We're making money again now, yeah? Go to it, then.

..With his loyal troops right behind him.

Our main challenge in HR is, erm...

Hey, Jeff, you're looking good!

..I was going to say Nev then. Don't say that.

-Morale is on the up...

-Yeah!

-..For this Swansea call centre...

..where victory is only a cold call away.

Are you not entertained?

What's it like to be in charge of 600 people?

It's an endurance. Sometimes it's a marathon,

sometimes you have to sprint to keep up.

But I love it. Absolutely love it.

Welcome to Nev's world.

It's Monday morning, and for CEO Nev Wilshire,

running the third-largest call centre in Swansea

-is a serious business.

-Take pride in what you do.

That sums us up, that, doesn't it?

His multimillion-pound cold-calling empire

employs a staff of 600 people.

But it doesn't stop him from making time for special guests.

Today, 18-year-old Jordan,

who's studying for a BTEC in Business Studies,

is joining the call centre to get some valuable work experience.

Major power meeting in there, look.

HE LAUGHS

So now what you do is you stand out here going like this...

Go on.

He's too fast, he's too fast.

-Slower?

-Yeah, you go slower, yeah.

-All right.

Yeah, slow motion, that's it.

That's better. Much better, yeah.

-Intimidating, isn't it?

-What's intimidating?

-For them.

-To see you going like that?

-Yeah.

No.

To enable him to get back to running the call centre,

Nev has a plan to ensure that Jordan's work experience

is something he'll never forget.

He's putting him in the care of his maverick top seller Griff,

and, for prankster boss Nev,

this presents an opportunity he can't let pass.

-He thinks he's going to phone some customers.

-Ah, here we go.

-Right?

-On the end of the phone is going to be you...

Ah, right, yeah.

..So I need you to be Mr Angry, Mr Dopey,

-Mr Stupid...

-Yeah.

-..Father Christmas,

-and possibly Peter Pan.

-Yeah, perfect.

He's going to think

he's going to be a highly-trained professional for an afternoon.

It'll be nice to be an irate customer for a change, won't it?

-I'm sure you can do that.

-I'll give it a whirl.

-Go for it.

The prank call is...is mainly a joke,

but if we look at it, erm, we will be able to tell his temperament.

Has Jordan got the ability to bounce back after a bad call?

Can he put a smile on his face?

Can he lift his chin up and get ready for the next call?

Will he make it in the call centre? Well, we'll see,

because Griff isn't going to take it easy on him.

This call could go badly wrong.

Is he likely to end up in tears? I doubt it, but, erm...

HE CHUCKLES

..It's not going to be good.

With the plan in place, it's time for Jordan to join Griff's team.

Griff, I got fresh meat for the grinder for you.

I've got to look after this entire team, haven't I, on some level,

and respect the Cutters talking his nonsense, do you know what I mean?

It's just one more for the pot, isn't it?

Jordan, come and sit here, son.

Grab a chair. Grab a chair, son.

How are you, Jordan? All right? Nice to see you, yeah?

First of all, Griff needs to show Jordan how it's done.

Did you say it's your partner? Yeah?

Is that a man or a woman? Sorry, I have to ask.

I've been lumbered with women as well, mate.

We've drawn the short straw there, but not to worry.

All my, er, my gay friends are a lot happier than my straight friends,

let me tell you that.

Having learnt from the master, it's time for Jordan to be thrown

to the call-centre lions, the customers.

Swings and roundabouts, isn't it?

Griff, log off for me, please, mate. Thorpey wants to see you.

-Who, Thorpey?

-Yeah.

CHATTER

No, no, no.

Just pop into the office, mate, yeah?

Do you want to have a go at taking a call?

-Erm, I don't mind, mate, yeah.

-Yeah?

-Yeah.

-Let's have a go, then.

Jump on there for me, then.

My tutor said, you know, for me to behave,

er, and act professional.

It is a business and this could decide whether, you know, erm,

they would like to take me on, whether...

Well, after I finish college.

So I have to be professional, and she said that.

She said, you know, there's limits and boundaries. Erm, yeah.

PHONE RINGS

Ah, it's ringing now.

-Cheers.

-Seal the deal, yeah?

-Hello.

-Hello, is this Mr Hardy?

-Yeah.

-Er, it's Jordan here from Nationwide Energy Services.

-I'm calling today, um, about the new...

-Who?

-..Grants. Sorry?

Where you ringing from?

Er, Nationwide Energy Services, mate. It's Mr Harry Hardy, yeah?

'Barry Hardy it is, not Harry Hardy, man.'

-Barry, is it?

-What the bloody hell you on about, Harry? Barry Hardy.

-Ah, yeah sorry, mate.

-Barry with a B, like Barry Johnson.

Yeah, cool. Er, so are you married, mate? Single?

Am I married? My wife died two weeks ago.

-Sorry, mate?

-Two weeks...

Two weeks ago she passed.

You've been married two weeks, you said?

-My wife died two weeks ago.

-Really? Oh, right, sorry to hear that, mate.

So... Right, there we are, let's go "divorced".

No, I'm not bloody divorced!

-'Oh, you're just single?'

-My wife DIED!

Your wife died, mate?

BACKGROUND CHATTER

I can't hear you, mate. So your wife passed away, yeah?

My wife died two weeks ago. I'm not divorced.

-I'm sorry to hear...

-'I'm a widow.'

-I'm sorry to hear that, mate.

Erm, there we are. Er, can I have your postcode, please?

-'SE6...'

-SE6, yeah?

-..4PT.

-'4TT?'

PT.

PT, yeah? As in, you know...

postman and...tit?

What?

DIAL TONE

Hello?

Hello?

He must have just hung up.

He went to put me on hold. Maybe he pressed the wrong button.

-How bad can a first call be?

-Just move on from there, mate.

That's what I do. Keep it up. Good effort, mate.

Cheers, mate. That was mad, that was.

Oh, it's horrible when you first go on the phone. It's a, it's...

It's a lot weirder than you'd think, do you know what I mean?

It's just like you lose control of your mouth, and your brain,

and you're used to your mouth and your brain working together,

and all of a sudden you're on the phone

and your BLEEP mouth stops working and things, do you know what I mean? It's weird.

It's good, though. It reminds me a little bit of methamphetamine.

Oh, mate.

'He was very good on the phone. Very, er, very good for a youngster,

'an untrained youngster, yeah.'

Some people are like that. Some people will just have a go,

and other people will just think, "Oh, I can't do that."

He's obviously a trier.

Take my hat off to him.

It's February, and Valentine's is only days away.

With an average age of 26,

the call centre sales floor is awash with hormonal desires,

and passions are riding high.

To my right...

say to one o'clock, one o'clock there...

..bit of all right, like.

But, erm, I'm just saying, bit of all right, nice fresh meat.

Like, obviously you've got to get to know someone's personality

before you even think they're good-looking properly but, erm...

THEY LAUGH

Do you think you'll ever find love in a call centre?

I don't want to find love in a call centre.

I want a man with money, like!

I got money - you want to fall in love with me, Hay?

Hang on a minute, I could see me and you.

Yeah... You probably have seen it in your dreams.

-No, it's the other way round, isn't it?

-No. Oh, yeah!

-You told me the other day...

-I did, I did!

You had a dream about me the other day.

I dreamt about you the other day, but not in that way.

Don't BLEEP lie!

When you close your eyes, you're like that - "Johnny Allen...

"The big JA...

"Johnny boy..."

-Isn't it, Hayle?

-Bless you.

-Bless my little cotton socks!

You don't half talk some shit.

But, like, you know...

Sorry about that.

One of Nev's old top sellers, Chickenhead, is paying him

a surprise visit.

After spending the last six months on the road as a door-to-door

energy advisor, he's got a confession to make.

Chickenhead.

All right?

-Yeah, you all right?

-Yeah, good.

-How's life?

-Er, not bad.

How's life in the field?

Yeah, not, bad. Well, ups and downs, do you know what I mean?

I'm not asking about your sex life, Chickenhead.

No!

Yeah, not bad.

Thought, yeah, I'd just pop back into the office,

see if I can come back into the call centre.

-Really?

-You know, it was obviously expected at some point,

wasn't it, to be honest?

I knew that and I think you did as well.

Are you, um... Are you thinking of

telling me the whole truth and nothing but the truth now?

Um, no, that is genuinely the truth. That is the truth. There's...

Whole truth and nothing but the truth, Chickenhead.

Yeah, um, I lost my licence, driving.

-There we are, then.

-Yeah, that was... That was part of it, but...

Which makes it very difficult to work in the field

-when you can't drive.

-Yeah.

-Unless you want to ride a bike

and strap a ladder to your cycle helmet.

How did you manage to lose your licence?

Ah, went out the night before, um, had a couple hours' kip

on my mate's sofa, got up early, about half-eight in the morning,

and I got pulled and, unfortunately, I was still over the limit.

It is an absolute howler.

We all make mistakes. I just make... more than the average person.

-You are way above the average person.

-Yeah.

-So I...

-I don't know why, but the word "bellend" is coming into my mind.

Ah, it's come into my head a few times.

CHICKENHEAD CHUCKLES

-Right, get back in the call centre, then.

-All right.

Go and see Jamie and Ben,

and tell them you're a bellend.

I put in a request for a pay rise as well,

so I look forward to hearing from you.

Second word's "off".

Boy, oh, boy.

He really had a phenomenal opportunity there

to go and be a surveyor, to have an accredited trade,

and he's just cocked it up mercilessly.

Um, you know, what a howler - being pulled over for drunk-driving.

Yeah, you can take a horse to water, you can't make it drink.

It's a bit like Man United re-signing Ronaldo, really,

or, like, Man United signing Cantona again, in his prime.

You know, there are pros and cons to having Chickenhead back, and, um,

one of the massive pros is that he's an amazing sales agent.

You know, um, is that down to him having 100% product knowledge,

or anything like that? No - I think one of the reasons he is so good

at sales is because when a customer is quite rude to him, he's too thick

to take it personally,

and he takes it all in his stride, which is great.

But the call-centre Cantona is quick to start ruffling feathers

on the sales floor.

If you get a deal, you get a cracker.

Is that Mr Rycroft?

He gets away with murder.

Going to take some calls?

Look at... He's doing it now!

On his phone!

No need to be a BLEEP, right? Well...

There's a massive sign there that states, "No phones,"

and this one here thinks it's fine.

Couple of home truths.

# She's a beautiful girl She's a beautiful girl... #

-WOMAN SINGING, ON PHONE:

-# Hey, how you doin'?

# Sorry you can't get through

# Why don't your leave your name and your number?

# And I'll get back to you. #

It's only a day since Chickenhead's return to the sales floor

after losing his driving licence,

but his disdain for the company mobile phone policy

has already reached Nev,

who's decided to take matters into his own hands.

Chickenhead's meant to be on YOUR team.

Ah, what's he done?

He's got his mobile phone with him.

-What, on the sales floor?

-Yeah.

Where is he?

Um... Take him in the canteen?

No, I'm going to do it... I'm going to ask for his phone.

I, I... Give me your phone.

What do you want to do? Do you want to bin it?

Do you want to put it through the shredder?

You can't destroy his mobile phone!

Honestly, it cost ten quid in Tesco.

-Chickenhead.

-What's the matter?

-Can I have your mobile phone?

-Why?

-Can I have your mobile phone?

Yeah.

-Cheers.

-Why, what's the matter?

Where's Twe?

ALMOST caught it.

Don't have mobile phones on the floor.

Lucky it's only a cheap phone, innit, really?

I'm told it was a tenner. But you can put it back together.

I know you're going to give me the cash for it anyway, Nev.

I think he was just trying to, um, make an example of me

to show that, um, you know...

I won't get away with it, sort of thing, like, you know what I mean?

I'll be treated like everyone else, which is fair enough, at the end of the day.

Lucky it was only a cheap mobile,

cos he'd have had to buy me a new one.

Chickenhead never had a father.

I mean, he must have... Somebody must have been his father,

but Chickenhead never knew him, so, um...

Yeah, he hasn't had the fatherly figure to guide him through life

and clip him around the ear hole a few times

so he goes in the right direction, so he's pretty much self-taught.

And, you know, with everything that he's gone through,

he's done well. You know, he's remarkably good.

He's a happy chappy, you know? Let's be fair - he's a cheerful guy.

So...

You can't help but like Chickenhead, but he could do so much better.

Jordan is onto the next stage of his work experience.

Seven... Seven scoops. See, obviously, it's essential,

-because...

-How do you know how many scoops?

If you put too many in... If I were to put too much caffeine in there,

-you could actually kill someone.

-Really?

Well, if you put too much caffeine in my urn,

and give someone a strong coffee, you can actually die

with a caffeine rush, and that's a fact. That is a fact.

How do you know how many to put in?

Well, one... You count, you know?

Yeah, but, like, how do you know seven's the correct amount?

Like I said, it takes skill to be a tea lady.

Are we going left? Oh, it's left-to-right, obviously.

Yeah, left-to-right.

Hayley's been the company tea lady for two years.

Come on! Ha-ha-ha!

In that time, she's memorised the entire sales floor's drinks orders.

Now, the trick of it is you need to guess

just by looking at people what they drink, now, and this is what

I'm saying, cos that's where the hard bit comes in on this job.

Signs, guys?

-I'm all right, thanks.

-Signs?

There's not much milk here, that's why it's strong.

I'll come back to you in a minute.

Now, Mark there is very, very fussy...

I think he's brilliant,

I honestly didn't think a guy would be good behind that trolley,

and he's just proved to me that a guy is good behind the trolley,

and I... Everyone thinks that a tea lady... Well, tea lady -

tea lady, innit? It's tea LADY.

And now he's just proved that there can be such things as tea guys.

-It's been emotional.

-It has.

-Keep it regular.

Yeah, cheers, love.

Hello. Is that Mrs Jackson?

Is there anybody living in the home receiving any benefits,

allowances, tax or pension credits?

-Nothing at all?

-'Not interested, thank you.'

PHONE CLICKS

Nor me, love. Nor BLEEP me, love.

Griff may be one of the company's best-ever sellers,

but his sarcastic manner has been causing concern.

PHONE BLEEPS

'Hello?'

Hello. Is that Mrs O'Grady?

'Yeah. Will you please stop phoning me?'

It's the first time I've ever phoned you, my love.

What's the matter?

'I've have bloody five of these people phoning.'

Ah, it's a pain, innit? How many calls have you had, then?

'About five or six.'

Oh, crumbs. Well, now that I've pacified you, quite simply,

let me just take advantage of that to tell you why I'm ringing...

Griff's methods are frustrating his team leader, Cutter.

'I don't even know why you've got my mobile number.'

You're throwing away chances.

BLEEP You're losing the plot, son.

If I was on two deals for the day,

I wouldn't be messing around on calls with half opportunities.

Right? Wrong?

No, that's cos you're a team leader.

Oh, hello. Is that Mrs Alloway?

Griff may like to operate close to the bone,

but he's now come to the attention of the compliance department,

whose job is to monitor the quality of the agents' calls.

Well, we've had, um, a complaint come through from a customer.

In regards to being...

a call she received and an agent being rude to her,

making what she describes as personal attacks.

The actual agent involved in this call is Richard Griffiths,

so I've found the call, looked through the customer's details,

found the call, so it's just a case of listening to the call now,

seeing if what the customer says is true,

and if it is true, then just going through the relevant procedures.

-RECORDING:

-'Hello?

-Yeah, it's Richard here.

'I'm the grants advisor for your area for Nationwide Energy.

'It's just a quick call to see if you qualify for a free boiler

'under the Affordable Warmth grant scheme, OK?

-'Right...

-Now, being a doctor, obviously you're grossly overpaid,

'so I wouldn't imagine you would qualify. Um, is there anybody

'living in your home receiving any benefits, allowances,

'tax or pension credits?

'Not at all. We all work very hard, and I'm on rest days at the moment,

'and I really am very busy, but thank you for your call, Richard.

-'Bye-bye.

-Well, there are people who work equally as hard

'but don't get paid ridiculous amounts of money.'

It's kind of hard to find words for it, really.

It's completely out of order, absolutely no need for it.

It just kind of reinforces all the negative things you hear

about call centres. It's bad. It is bad.

It's definitely one of the worst things I've heard.

The call has alerted senior management, and Thorpey's

been forced to bring Griff in for an official disciplinary.

It's a potential gross misconduct case, Rich,

so I need to let you know that the potential outcome of such

a disciplinary can lead to dismissal.

Kieran, I just want to point out

to you that you are here for support for Rich.

If you need to call for an adjournment at any time,

you can do so, OK?

OK.

Basically, it's probably best if you just, in your own words,

take me through what happened on that call, Rich.

HE EXHALES

Ah, depends which way you want to look at it, innit? Um...

The concern I've got is that you think you've done nothing wrong

-in this call.

-No, not entirely. You know...

I was...possibly slightly rude to this person.

You know, there's a fine line, isn't there, between trying to

rescue a customer you know is about to put the phone down,

you know, and potentially being rude. It's... It's a fine line.

And, you know, sometimes that shock comment to somebody, yeah,

can get them to not put the phone down, and think, "What?"

And then they listen, they re-engage, and get a deal.

The sales environment has changed from...

..what it was 20 years ago.

Things are far more heavily regulated,

recorded...

We're governed by bodies. You cannot do stuff like this.

I'm trying to make you understand that if you do do things like this,

there are real, serious implications for the organisation.

When does giving an opinion become rude? You know, it's a fine line,

innit? A fine line?

I didn't insult them in any way, you know?

I didn't call them any names or anything, you know?

I didn't say, "BLEEP, you BLEEP, BLEEP, BLEEP

"piece of BLEEP."

I didn't say none of that.

I just said, "Oh, you're not going to qualify,

"cos you're grossly overpaid."

This customer complaint has left Thorpey with no option

but to take drastic action.

Um, I've been suspended.

What does that mean?

I don't know. I don't know, but it's on full pay.

Gutted.

Is this...? I'm...

Oh, you're going to come with me...

so I can't come back on the premises?

Keep your phone on, and you'll get a call from me on Monday. Keep it on.

-Do I need to bring this back?

-Just give it back to...

And give it back to me. Cheers, Rich.

I think it's just a general thing that my attitude's slipped lately.

You know? Been a few incidents.

I'm a passionate man, you know?

Sometimes it spills over in the workplace.

News that one of his best sellers has been suspended has reached Nev.

-He's gone again, has he?

-Yeah, he's gone. He's, er...out of control.

We've told him on a number of occasions he has to...

..er, to keep it down. There's only so much someone can take, Nev,

and he's got no respect for the team and he's got no respect for me,

so I've helped him as much as I possibly want to help him, Nev.

-OK. OK.

-All right?

All right, thanks, Cuts.

-What's happening, Lor?

-I'm OK.

All right.

What's the hit squad up to now?

Well, I've had better days actually, to be honest, Nev.

Why, what have you done?

I don't know with Griff. He's suspended,

and I just don't know where we go with him, I honestly don't.

He's walked out this time, has he?

No, I suspended him.

I've got all the quality department complaining about him,

sales coordination complaining about him.

You can put up with that because the support department's...

It goes from being a laugh and being funny to going too far.

-Too far.

-And, yeah, so if it's gone too far, it's gone too far.

Cos I... We got to protect Cutters as well,

and Cutters is going home and he's worrying about it,

he's stressing, he's coming in in the morning

and instead of concentrating on his team, all he's thinking about

is how is he going to handle Griff.

-OK.

-Leave it to me?

Yeah, leave it to you.

-Cheers, Nev.

-All right, then.

-Thanks for that.

When's his... When's he coming back in for the chat?

Well, HR'll have a look at it.

I told him we'll get him in as quickly as possible,

so at the latest, Monday. If I can pull him in tomorrow,

all the better, but it'll probably be Monday.

OK.

-Cheers, Nev.

-Thanks. Ta-ta, Thorpey.

We're a Griff-less call centre again.

Griff, when he's got his head on, is, you know, one of the best,

but, um, he's struggling. He's struggling in himself.

Nev really likes to look after people, and he'll give everyone

the benefit of the doubt, up until right at the very end and, you know,

he knows what's going on, he knows when people are pushing too far.

We could have sacked Griff any number of times in this place, but

he's given chance after chance after chance after chance after chance.

My hands are no longer tied, not that they're really tied,

because, you know, I like to...

I want to give Griff his second chance and third chance, but if

he's now doing things which are impacting on the company,

then sooner or later, he's going to...

shoot himself in the foot,

and it looks like he's blown both feet off at the moment.

The call centre is gearing up for Valentine's Day.

I'll be filling up your cups and mugs in a hurry...

Or maybe don't worry...

Valentine's has even inspired tea lady Hayley

to try her hand at poetry.

I'll be filling up your cups and your mugs in a hurry

Or maybe don't worry

Whilst wiggling around my jugs for the...

For the...

There's not much you can really rhyme with "worry".

But not everyone on the sales floor is a fan of the romantic season.

Chickenhead's more notorious for his no-strings-attached

approach to love.

Hello?

I did used to mess girls around quite a lot.

It's just, um...

I'm not...

I'm not really a big fan of, like, commitment and stuff, because

I hate spending too much time with one person, cos they do my nut in.

They just, like, get really obsessive and, you know,

they want to see you more, and they text and ring you all the time,

and, "What you doing? Where are you? Who are you with?"

Do you know what I mean?

You can't even go for a shit in peace sometimes,

It just gets a bit too much.

But recently, Chickenhead's surprised everyone by managing

to hold down a relationship with Sian,

one of the call centre's high fliers.

Hello?

When I started here on the, like, the training,

I'm sure in one of the training days, Nev came in,

or someone came in and, like, kind of warned us about Chickenhead,

kind of, "Stay away from him," cos he was a bit of a boy and he'll kind of

try it on with every new starter, every girl new starter, anyway, so...

But I can see the good in him,

and I know he... You know, deep down he is a nice boy. Um...

He is really funny. I know, like, he loves his family.

He loves his nan. He loves his little girl, Maisie, as well.

I don't know exactly, cos obviously I met him and he, you know,

he already had Maisie. I've only met him, um, in the last year or two.

Um... But, yeah, I think he was just meeting her,

but, obviously, these things happen, I suppose, and, er, yeah,

he found out he was the dad to her, so...

To see him with her, like, is a totally different side

to him, like. When he's, like, playing with her in the park,

or taking her out, things like that.

And I know there is, you know... That's what I hate, cos I can see,

like, the nice side in him,

even though he can be a bit of a BLEEP sometimes.

Although Sian may be able to see the good in him, not everyone is

so convinced he can make this relationship last.

"My name's Chickenhead,

"and I've had more girls in this office than Rachel's had deals."

THEY LAUGH

"My name is Chickenhead

"All I want to do is get in bed."

Any more to that?

Hello. Is that Mr or Mrs Callacher?

Ask him what's the most romantic thing he's done.

I bet he says washed his... before sex. I bet that's it.

I'm not a romantic person.

I think Valentine's is a rip-off, to be honest with you.

Chickenhead comes with a certain, er...

..history, um, to the relationship, and I think her friends are a little,

just a little bit scared that she's going to get hurt, etc, so...

I think there's a lot of love for her, there's a lot of, er,

people looking out for her on the sales floor, and rightly so.

Griff is a day into his suspension,

but Thorpey is still able to keep tabs on him.

Griff is a... You know, for an older guy, he loves his new technology,

and he's all over Facebook and Twitter like you wouldn't believe.

So, just to give you an indication of where...

..of how dark he feels at the moment -

"You can't beat the system, but you can let it know

"it's a pile of BLEEP shit."

What's that about?

It's... It's beyond a joke, that is.

So that's his state of mind at the moment.

The era of Griff could well be coming to an end,

but he is a bit of a phoenix,

and he's burning at the moment.

Being suspended on full pay means Griff is currently being paid

to make tea.

Ah, love it.

I'm not entirely sure what's going on.

Um, I was suspended last week.

One of the terms of my suspension is,

you're not allowed to have any contact with anybody in work,

so I messaged Thorpey on Facebook one day to ask something about,

you know, the situation we're in and he said

"You shouldn't really be contacting me here,"

but HR have been ringing me, you know, leaving messages,

but I haven't phoned them back because I'm not allowed

to speak to anybody from work,

so it's an impossible situation to remedy.

I've been unhappy lately, rather than depressed.

I've been stressed lately.

I can only speak for myself, but if I'm happy I can sell.

If I'm not, I can't.

Happy people sell. It sounds bollocks, but it's true.

I don't know about "happy people sell"

but BLEEP depressed people don't.

Depressed, oppressed people chained to their desks,

feeling like if they go for a piss it's going to create an environment,

if they going to make a cup of tea it's going to cause a row,

that's not conducive to a happy selling environment, surely?

Yeah, I'm a nightmare on lots of levels, you know?

My children's mother will tell you I'm a nightmare,

do you know what I mean? My mother would tell you I'm a nightmare,

you know, my friends would say, "He can be a nightmare."

I'm under no... I'm under no illusions about my faults,

but I'm constantly dealing with people

who think they're BLEEP perfect.

With HR and Griff locked in a stand-off,

the mood on the sales floor is subdued.

-So where's Griff?

-Where IS Griff?

Good question, that, yeah. He's, um, I don't know,

it's been quieter, of course.

You know, our entertainment value's gone, Lee, hasn't it?

-It has indeed.

-It has, yeah.

And the compliance department's investigation into Griff

has uncovered an even more troubling call.

It's so serious that Thorpey's decided to report it

directly to the top.

Thorpey, come in, come in.

Hello, hello.

It's just a quick one, Nev, just to see if you had a chance

to listen to that call of Griff's that I sent up earlier?

Yeah, I did see it, hang on. I'll listen to it now.

Um, why, what did you think about it?

I thought it was particularly bad.

Strap yourself in now, because it's a bit lively.

INAUDIBLE RECORDED CONVERSATION

The customer actually just asks him to take him off our list,

you know, which we do, no problem. The problem is Griff, he's just...

Well, he's just shouting at the customer. I'm not having it.

You can't expose customers to that.

-No, no.

-That's it, I'm not having that.

-Not a chance.

I mean, I've been with new starters this morning.

I threatened them with their lives

if they put the phone down on a customer without saying goodbye

-or, you know, being in any way rude.

-Yeah.

-I'm not having it.

-Yeah.

He's just argued with a customer.

I mean, he won't talk to me.

He hasn't rung up HR, as far as I'm aware,

so do we send him a letter, or...?

Someone needs to address that with him

because he can't act like that anyway.

-I'll ask him to come in.

-Yeah.

That's not on.

Brilliant, OK, sorry to bring that to you, but, er, cheers, Nev.

Ta-ta, Thorpey.

I don't want you listening to the call,

um, just because in case anything has to go legal on it,

but Griff seems to have blown a gasket

and he ends up arguing with a customer. Not having it.

Not having it, customer's always right.

You know, whilst he's offering them a free boiler.

If they don't want a free boiler,

they don't have to have a free boiler.

Yeah, I'm really upset, yeah, yeah, really upset.

Disappointed in the extreme.

It's the start of the shift, and Sian's come into work alone.

She's left Chickenhead to find some alternative sleeping arrangements.

Look at the state of this place.

What time is it?

Um, it's time to go to work, mate.

Oh!

So come on, get your glad rags ready.

Did you have a good night last night?

Yeah.

Yeah? Couple of beers?

Glasses of wine.

THEY LAUGH

He was out drinking all day.

I think the football was on because I know how much he loves football

and I come home, like, quite later on

and then we had a bit of, well,

a few arguments and I was just like, "Oh, get a train home."

So he did, and he stayed at Twe's house.

My missus kicked me out, didn't she?

So that's why I stayed here.

We had a barney, so I caught the train back, didn't I,

about one o'clock in the morning and I crashed then, didn't I?

Mmm, got me out of bed at 1am.

Yeah. We just always argue, like.

Um, what was it about? Oh, that was it.

I think she wanted to watch Coronation Street

and you wanted to watch Deal Or No Deal, something like that.

No, it's because Swans were playing Man United

and I went out on the piss

and she told me to be back at six because she was cooking lasagne.

But the football didn't kick off till quarter-to-eight.

No, it was a Sunday game, it was, and, um...

And he came in on Tuesday.

I came back late and she came down the pub.

-Did she come down the pub?

-Yeah, she came down the pub.

Did she have a nice time?

No, she just came down the pub, kicked off.

I left most of my pint there

and, er, just caused a bit of a scene and I went home then.

She kicked me out.

You know, I love Sian,

but she needs to understand that I've loved football longer than her.

She needs to understand that.

I think she does, and she gets quite annoyed sometimes.

I fell in love with football,

like, 20 years ago, do you know what I mean?

I've only been in love with her a few months. It's a big difference.

You know, like, hand on my heart,

I haven't always been, been faithful to Sian, like,

do you know what I mean?

I made a mistake, you know, went out drinking

and just being an idiot, really, and obviously she didn't deserve that.

Not in any relationship have I ever been unfaithful,

not even if I was just meeting someone.

I've never cheated on anyone because, like, I know how it feels

and it would hurt someone. I'd never do that to someone, ever.

So that, that was what, like, annoyed me because I'd never hurt him, so...

After excelling in the work-experience prank call,

it's time for Jordan to have some feedback on his performance

before returning to college.

Take a seat. How are you finding it, man?

Er, yeah, well, it was going all right

until I was put on the dreaded phone.

That's not your fault.

No, well, I just, I didn't think I should have been put on

where it was five in one, do you know what I mean?

-Did Cutters put you on there, did he?

-Yeah. Well, yeah.

Who was it that you were speaking to?

Some Hardy guy.

And what was the story on?

Do you know, I listened to the call.

I want your feedback. How do you think it went?

Well, it would have been all right, I don't know, it just went dead,

-sort of, the call just went dead.

-Did it?

-Yeah.

-Was that one of the first calls you've ever taken?

-Yeah.

-Ever been in a call centre before?

-No.

I just want to tell you, I listened to the call

and it was absolutely fantastic. First call you've ever taken?

-Yeah.

-Superb.

-Really?

Really, really good. I'm going to drop you into a little secret

-because nobody else knows yet.

-Yeah.

You were actually talking to Griff.

I thought so! I knew it was a mess-around, I knew it,

I knew it because Cutters was laughing. I knew it.

So, are you tense, or what? You calmed down?

-Massive credit, bud.

-I do work well under pressure, I think, yeah.

-I think you could do really well.

-Feel that sweat on my hand, mate?

-That's a lot of sweat, man, that's a lot of sweat.

-Yeah.

-You'll do really well, mate.

-Thanks.

-When are you coming on board?

-When I leave college, mate.

-Yeah.

-Definitely.

-When do you leave college?

-May.

Yeah, you've got a job with me in the call centre.

Really, mate? Ah, cheers, mate.

-If you can handle it like that, bud, yeah?

-Yeah, cheers.

-Little bit of training, bit of support.

-Yeah.

All right? Good man.

Oh, emotions everywhere.

I'd love to work here.

Dwayne said, "Yeah, you handled it really well,"

and that I can have a job

so I'll, you know, give him a ring, give Nev a ring or Twe a ring

when I finish college and, er, hopefully start my career here.

As Jordan looks forward to beginning his career in the call centre,

it's judgment day for Griff.

-Nev.

-Hey, Griff.

-What's happening?

-You all right?

-Not bad.

Um...right.

Do you want to come round here and, um...stick those on for a sec?

INAUDIBLE PHONE CONVERSATION

Yeah, that's not great.

Not the best, is it?

You've been shouting at a customer, Griff.

But that incident, right, you know,

what I did can't be defended, really, right?

I lost my head.

But that incident was dealt with between me and Cutters immediately.

He took me straight off the phone and we dealt with that.

He handled that situation well, you know?

But that's not a laugh, is it, that's not a laugh and a joke, that?

-Yeah, no...

-That is gross misconduct, shouting at a customer,

instantly dismissible, right?

Now, from my side, you know,

you've done good work down the years,

you're the longest-serving hand around here,

you know you can't lose your head.

But even if somebody screams abuse, you remain polite.

Yeah, but you know, when they're being all right,

-they're being all right, aren't they?

-He was a nice guy, wasn't he?

It's just he didn't want it.

It's your job.

The only thing I could offer you on that is, you know,

there's no way you go back in the call centre after that,

it would be out in the field, self-employed...on a bus.

Um, yeah, I'll come back to you on that. Like, the weather...warm up a bit first on that front.

-It is cold.

-Yeah, it's getting a bit nippy out there at the moment.

You can wear woolly socks.

Yeah, there's only so many pairs of socks you can get in these shoes.

HR have marked your card.

-If I was in your shoes, I would...

-So I've got the option...

-..I would resign.

-Jump before I'm pushed, really?

Correct, jump or be pushed. I mean, it would be your call.

Yeah, but I'm happy to be pushed as opposed to,

-to jump, do you know what I mean?

-OK.

I've always said they'll have to drag me out of here

kicking and screaming, so I'm not going to...

-not going to resign at this late stage.

-All right, Griff.

I think, yeah, just be more sensible if I was sacked, really,

a sackable offence, isn't it?

So would I have to go to the disciplinary, though, to be sacked?

-No, no, no.

-I suppose if I don't turn up,

-then that's a sackable offence in itself, innit?

-Aye.

-Could ring 'em up, give 'em some sort of sackable abuse.

-Yeah.

That could...that could be the one.

All right, persevere, determination, perseverance, keep going.

-Cheers, Nev.

-Still love you.

Be good.

-Wanker that you are, I still love you.

-Be good.

When you make hundreds of thousands of phone calls to people

who don't want to hear 'em and get thousands of people abusing you,

there are going to be times when you're going to react,

well, I'm going to react.

And so it's an inevitable conclusion, really, you know.

I'm just trying to find out who's entitled to a free boiler

and it's ended like this.

Bloody disaster, man.

News of Griff's sacking has quickly spread round the call centre.

Has he really gone, yeah? Has he really finished here, yeah?

100%? I'm gutted for him, I'm gutted, like. What can I do?

I'm not going to say it's not unexpected, you know.

If he'd spoke to anyone else the way he spoke in front of the team,

disrespected the team, disrespected me, I'm not surprised.

It's a business, at the end of the day.

It's not kindergarten, you know. I wish him all the best for the future

but he kind of pissed on his chips while he was here, really, didn't he?

He had the perfect opportunity.

Nev's given him a second chance, you know, but he hasn't, er,

obviously taken that chance when it's come...back to the way it was,

you're going to get treated like that.

So it is a shame, but it's well overdue.

# The green, green grass of home... #

RADIO PLAYS

The big day's arrived - it's Valentine's.

# Hair of gold and lips like cherries

# It's good to touch the green, green grass of home... #

Sarah. You all right, girl?

Valentine's is one of Nev's favourite days.

Put him down, you don't know where he's been.

And there's nothing he likes more

than a good poem to celebrate the occasion.

Have you done your poem yet, Drew? Come on.

-Not yet, no.

-Come on.

-I'm going to get on it now.

Roses are red Violets are blue

You're really pretty I want to shaft you!

THEY LAUGH

We have some office Lotharios Whose love they enjoy to spread

Not to name anyone But one of them is Chickenhead.

It's a day since Sian's argument with Chickenhead,

and news of their falling out has already come to Nev's attention.

He's spotted a chance to use Valentine's to his advantage.

Why do I interfere?

Well, I mean, Alex Ferguson used to like his players to settle down

and get married. Er, they're more stable,

they're not out on the pop,

they're not out late before a game. It stabilises people.

Sian has been a stabilising influence on Chickenhead.

I mean, the girl is a complete saint putting up with him.

Where's Chickenhead?

Chickenhead, have you written a poem for Valentine's Day?

-Er, no.

-Are you going to write the poem for Sian?

Um, yeah, I'll have a go.

Is it, can we delay... can we delay the...?

No, no, we can't delay the kick-off, kick-off is a set time,

you've got to go for it, it's got to be heartfelt.

I've been hammered all weekend,

so I haven't really had a chance to write one.

So why have you been hammered all weekend, Chickenhead?

-What's happened this weekend?

-It's your fault, isn't it, Swans-Cardiff.

Can you pull your finger out?

-Yeah, I'll have a go writing one.

-OK. All right.

Dylan Thomas said that the world is never the same after a good poem.

Let's see what he's capable of coming up with.

It's likely to be funny.

I don't think it's going to be a sincere poem...yeah.

Swansea is the birthplace of Dylan Thomas,

and to pay homage to his favourite poet,

Nev's assembled the call centre staff for some Valentine's poems.

Chickenhead is doing as he's been told by Nev,

he's writing a poem to Sian.

Whatever comes out of his mouth

isn't going to be, um, pleasant at the best of times,

so I can't imagine what his poem's going to be like.

I think when you do something bad,

that's when you realise how much you like someone, sort of thing.

I know it shouldn't come to that, but sometimes that's the way it is.

The gathering is a chance for Nev to read out some poems

-written by the call-centre staff.

-Ready? Hello, hello.

Here it goes, Hayley, a poem for Hayley.

My head is red My lips are blue

All because I had a coffee from you.

It wasn't the strength And it wasn't the taste

It was all because of the smile on your face.

-ALL:

-Ah!

But one person who has fallen out of love with the call centre is Griff.

If I knew what I should be doing as a job,

I wouldn't be 44 years of age working in a call centre,

would I, do you know what I mean?

It's just that thing, isn't it, what do you be when you grow up?

But realistically, I don't know, I'll go to some other dead-end job

and waste the rest of my life doing something pointless

to make somebody else rich

whilst my life is a BLEEP struggle and, yeah,

welcome to 95% of people's lives, do you know what I mean?

Griff's relationship with the call centre may have reached the end,

but it's time for Chickenhead to find out

if his poem can get him and Sian back on track.

I hope she'll like it, I think she will like it.

We were going to split up, do you know what I mean?

But it's just going to be hard to keep a straight face reading it

because, you know, it's in front of so many people

and I've never really written a poem before, so...

OK, Chickenhead, do you want to come and do your own,

because nobody else wants to do it for you.

Come on, come and read this.

This is lurve. Come on, Chickenhead.

This is to Sian.

-ALL:

-Ah.

-It's more emotional than that. LOUDER:

-Ah!

A poem by Chickenhead.

Dear Sian, I haven't always been the best boyfriend

In fact, I've been a bit of a bellend

Sometimes I've gone out and been a bit of a drinker

And not always been much of a thinker

But with this poem I will send

My love to you until the end.

APPLAUSE

Hold on, hold on, Sian, come out, Chickenhead's got something for you.

Sian's coming out. Go down on one knee, Chickenhead, down on one knee.

Maybe nobody wants it, but it's good chocolate. Thanks, Sian.

Well done, Chickenhead.

All of this for Valentine's Day.

-Well done, Chickenhead, it was a good effort.

-Ah, nice one.

It was a heartfelt, good effort, you must be pleased with yourself.

Yeah, over the moon.

-Over the moon, not sick as a parrot.

-Yeah.

Good. You think, um, Sian is sticking with you now?

Yeah, I think she loved it.

Chickenhead there has been remarkably sincere. I think...

I think Sian has...got to him.

I think he could be all right.

The salvation of Chickenhead.

You've got cheese and onion breath.

There has been a change in him, he has been, like, a lot different.

He started here, like, obviously with a massive reputation

and probably that was the same for quite a while

because there's always that joke that,

"Oh, he's a bit of a slag" and things like that.

But I think he's starting to show, like, a different side, yeah.

Everyone deserves a good poem but, er, Sian more than others.

I quite like poetry.

I've never really thought about going into poetry but, you know,

can't beat a good poem.

With Chickenhead back on the straight and narrow,

Griff is contemplating life without the call centre.

I've got some people, you know, that I'm very close to up there

and I've got a lot of time for. I could be back there tomorrow.

If Thorpey, you know, came down and apologised,

if Dwayne left and they doubled my wages, I'd go back tomorrow.

I'm going to go up to the nursery now to pick up my daughter,

young Coco, and, um, yeah, spend the next couple of hours with her,

put her to bed...

..continue living the dream.

Nev heads to Hawaii...

Do not take the piss while I'm away.

We're going to take the call centre on the road.

..Leaving some busy bees behind him.

There's wasps, I'm not even lying.

One sales agent could be on their last cold call.

She hates everyone, hates everything.

Maybe my time is done in sales.

And Hayley's got some big news.

Here is my last day. I am gutted.

You were out of order by a million miles.