Some Ideas Will Be Good, and Some Will Just Be Brain Farts The Call Centre

Just giving you a quick call in relation to helping lower the cost of your energy bills

-by finding the right tariff available to you. Are you the bill payer?

-I certainly am.

Nev Wilshire is CEO of Swansea's third-largest call centre.

Get out, get out!

What sums up my management style? Some say I'm barking orders,

some say I'm barking mad.

WOOF! Oh, sorry.

But there's life in the old dog yet.

Not again. Not again.

It's an industry that now employs over a million people

in the UK with an average age of just 26.

'Oh, piss off!'

Call centres are the factories of our time.

Get these deals, make these calls, that's what I'm talking about.

I think I just dialled your missus by mistake.

But times have been tough.

A few years ago, the Queen had an annus horribilis, a horrible year.

We've had an annus anus.

It's been tough.

-Go on.

-Don't yawn!

More than ever, Nev's relied on his unique approach to

motivating his young workforce.

Oh, Jonny!

Now he's fighting back.

See? That's what you got to beat.

And we're making money again now, yeah, go to it, then.

With his loyal troops right behind him.

Our main challenge in HR is, erm...

Hey, Geoff, you're looking good.

I was going to say Nev then, don't say that.

Morale is on the up...

CHEERING

..for this Swansea call centre.

Where victory is only a cold call away.

Are you not entertained?

What's it like to be in charge of 600 people?

It's an endurance, sometimes it's a marathon,

sometimes you have to sprint to keep up.

But I love it, absolutely love it.

Welcome to Nev's world.

Is your social worker available with you now?

DOG BARKS

Think I just dialled your missus by mistake, Cutters.

For call centre CEO Nev Wilshire, the key to running a

multi-million pound business is motivating the shop floor.

Even if it means doing it yourself.

Watch this now.

You don't want a ladder, do you? You're tall enough.

I'm all over this like a rash.

Where do you screw?

-No, no.

-Hold on, whoa, whoa, whoa!

-Hold the screw, man, otherwise it's going to...

-I've got it.

All right, if you do any damage to this it's your fault,

not mine, come on.

Go and teach your grandmother to suck eggs, right.

You reckon I can't, I, I can do this one-handed, right.

-Oh, you spawny...

-One-handed.

CHUCKLING

Believe it or not, I pay Kelvin to do this.

Money for old rope.

The idea of the signs is they watch Kelvin putting them up

and they all have a good laugh and it inspires the sales floor.

"It is a fact of life, happy people sell."

But Nev's inspirational signs are not

working their magic on sales veteran Griff.

-Cutters, I sit here all day, right?

-Right?

And all I can see in my peripheral vision is the word "losers".

Why is the word "losers" on that twice as big as the word "winners"?

I sit here and all I can see is losers.

Supposed to be standing there, going like that

or is that just a little bit of truth?

Fair enough, we are losers. Look at us, sitting in here doing this.

You know, people spend so much time looking at the bullshit

in this place that they just don't look at the basic things.

I don't need reminding I'm a loser when I work in telesales,

I don't need reminding.

To help Nev keep sales staff like Griff in line, all calls

are closely monitored by quality agents like 23-year-old Deon.

-And what's your first name, Mrs Flynn?

-Jacqueline.

Oh, it's not Brian is it, no? Like the footballer?

No, it's not Brian, it's...

-OK, you don't sound like a Brian!

-No.

OK, then. Bit of fun.

If you see a company as a body, the quality department is the liver,

so it cleans and makes sure that the shit, erm, is filtered out.

You need that filter in place

and unfortunately that filter may not be liked, so the quality department

may be hated by everyone, but it's a necessity.

It will save a bit of money on your bills as well, bonny pet, you know.

-Well, that's good.

-Yeah.

Well, it'll cover the costs of your Christmas

and birthday presents for me now, won't it?

LAUGHTER

Overall, definitely one of the better calls I've heard from Griff, definitely.

Sometimes he has a tendency to go off the rails a bit or, or take

the call in a different direction. Just needs to sometimes control that

to make sure he's not undermining or taking the Mick out of the customer.

They're like critics, they never created anything themselves,

they go around criticising everybody else's efforts.

Wankers, really.

CHANTING: Deon, Deon, Deon...

Despite working for the company's most hated branch,

Deon has found a way to keep the sales agents sweet.

Red velvet cupcakes, mate, home-made.

Ah, thanks, Deon, much appreciated.

-You made it yourself, dude?

-Yep, all home-made.

-Your mum made it?

-No, me, my mother can't cook.

-Good effort.

I have a, a skill of some sorts, erm, I bake, erm, I bake quite a bit,

I started a couple of years ago, just self taught.

I'm watching my figure, don't get a BLEEP body like this eating BLEEP cakes.

-You look great.

-Nice one, Deon.

Obviously, in the company, the quality department are not

the most popular and well-liked department, erm,

but with Deon, he's a good fella, you know, he's a good lad, does a good job,

er, I get on with him well and I like the lad a lot, he's a good boy.

I'd like to think that they like me more because I'm not

an arsehole rather than I bake cakes for them, but whatever works.

I'm on a diet, man, why do you do this to me when I'm on a diet?!

-What have you done to it?

-I haven't done anything to it.

-Thank you.

-I think it's a good motivational technique for his team, er,

don't know if he's got any underlying

reasons for making these cakes, I think he could have a

crush on somebody on the academy by the looks of things so, erm,

I'll have to monitor that quite carefully I suppose, but keep making

cakes, er, keep bringing them in and I'll enjoy some of them as well.

Dwayne's suspicions are well founded.

Hello, is that Mrs Moore?

No, Mrs Moore doesn't live here, she hasn't lived here for seven years.

-Oh, I'm sorry about that.

-Deon's charm has worked on 21-year-old rookie Kelly.

I've got, erm, a date with one of the girls off the, er,

one of the academy teams.

SHE SIGHS

People are so BLEEP miserable.

So we'll, er, we'll see how that goes, her name's Kelly,

hopefully it goes well, we'll see.

She's a lovely girl, very attractive,

fantastic personality, so I just hope that, er, hope it goes well.

Hiya, it's Kelly calling from Nationwide Energy Services,

just a quick call today, love, about the...

Oh, my God, what the BLEEP is wrong?

Deon's just a really nice boy, he's really genuine

and he's quite nice to see, like, I've never really seen that in

many people before and he's really nice and just get along

with him really easily, he's quite easy to talk to and he's just nice.

With sales and quality putting their differences

aside for the evening, it's a brave new world for Deon.

It's always hard to know what people think of you or

if they like you or if they can even be bothered to talk to you, so the

fact that there's actually someone who likes me more than friends

as well, hopefully, hopefully, er, it's, it's kind of, it's refreshing,

it kind of makes me think, "Oh, maybe we're not seen as that bad?"

It is good that Deon's found love in the call centre,

I mean somebody from quality finding love...

..I mean that, that's got to be a first.

With his maverick management style, Nev's always seeking ways to

improve the work place.

This time, he's inviting his 600 staff to pitch in.

Hello.

OK...erm, we're looking for suggestions for improving

the company, if you would rather strawberries than bananas...

put it down.

Any suggestions how you would like to improve the company, all right?

You'll see things that I don't,

all right? So there'll be a panel of four

people, erm, it'll be myself and Ben and Mia and Abbie from HR.

So anything, however stupid you might think it is, all right?

Thank you very much. Have a lovely day.

APPLAUSE Bless you. Bugger off back to work.

Everybody's got ideas. I haven't got a monopoly on ideas

in the place and you'll find a lot of people have been sitting on

ideas to improve the company for a long time and so now is a good time

to try and extract those ideas and erm, put some of them into practice.

Some of them will be good, some of them will be just brain farts

and once you start bouncing ideas off people and they start to expand

their idea, then, once it catches light, then anything can happen.

I was thinking, this company needs some kind of toilet patrol.

Too many times I've been to the toilet to do a number two

and I don't want my trousers to touch the floor.

I reckon we should have milkshakes, a milkshake on the trolley

and cakes on the trolley.

Something to do with like getting change,

change machine, cos everyone's always bugging about change.

Oh, that's a good idea.

Nev's son Phil, the call centre's commercial director,

has got his mind on the bottom line.

Basically, I'm pitching the idea of better bog roll.

I'll show you the problem.

So, if you come in here, look, this is,

this is what we've got to deal with.

It only comes out one at a time and you've got to,

you've got to deal with that, one at a time that's all you get.

See, look there, gone.

And it's rough as hell, it's like sandpaper, this.

With physical comfort top of the list,

tea lady Hayley has a very hands-on idea of her own.

Right, people are sitting down all day on their arse, backs aching,

you might not be sitting upright, their postures might not be right,

might feel a little bit tense, a little bit stiff,

might be stressed out cos they're not selling

and when I come round and

give them a cuppa, I'll give them a massage as well, only like a little

five-minute one, but everyone feels happier when you have a massage.

Like, if I knew where your knots were.

See what I mean? I don't know how to do it properly but if I got told how

to do it properly and got told where the knots was, it does relax people.

Now, obviously, with this...

I got to make sure we don't make people tired though.

Life insurance...

For Hayley, who's been at the call centre for six years, it's a chance

not only to improve the company, but also her own career prospects.

I just can't do it on you cos you're quite skinny, do you get me?

Like I...you haven't got much meat.

I want to do this for me cos like, you know, it's good for me

and my future maybe, you never know,

it's good to have something else than just be a tea lady.

If I'm a qualified masseuse as well, when people ask what my,

what my occupation is I don't have to get all ashamed

and write "tea lady". I can write "a masseuse" if I wanted to as well.

OK, come with me, then.

THEY CHUCKLE

Everyone loves a massage, it'll give them an incentive,

if their team leader says, "Right, the next person to get three deals

"can get a massage off Hayley," but obviously I'll gain

out of it cos I'll get experience as a masseuse and maybe...

get certain people I'd like to do more than others

and I'll gain that way as well!

Just saying, just saying.

Always first in line to revamp corporate life,

Griff's spotted an unlikely opportunity.

Well, quality department are looking for some new compliance agents.

Cutters?

Oh, shit!

Can you explain this sentence to me?

"The quality department are looking for one compliance/quality agent

"to ensure that sales calls are in compliance with

"the rules and regulations of SPM." Right?

-Yeah?

-Fair enough.

"Unsuccessful applicants for the compliance officer vacancy

"would also be considered for suitability."

That, that doesn't actually make any sense.

They're looking for...people to make sure that everyone's

doing everything properly, now they're advertising

for somebody to do everything properly and their advert...

is BLEEP.

OK, so do you want to go work for them?

Erm, I want to find out what they're doing over there

and who's in charge and why they can't produce a poster to see

if it's worth me going over there.

What I suggest you do is have a word with Ricky and see

if that's the job for you.

-That's a good idea.

-How's that?

-Yeah, thanks. Cheers, mate, good idea.

-Good man.

Let's put it like that and see if any BLEEP notices.

All right.

-Is that straight?

-Yeah, that's lovely, mate.

Right, I'm not entirely sure where this department is, mind.

Griff's decided to probe,

he's venturing in to the mystical land of HR.

-Hiya.

-Hello.

-I've, erm, come for an application form, please.

-An application form.

We can get that from quality for you.

-Yeah, can you go and grab one?

-Yeah, OK.

Thanks.

KEYBOARD CLACKING

Cor, it's all go in here, innit?

SHE LAUGHS

It'll be five minutes, he's going to e-mail me now.

Just preparing one, are they?

Any jobs going in this department?

-No.

-No?

What do you do in here then, just writing and stuff, is it?

More pen based?

What? Have you got to tick all those pieces of paper?

Be quiet now.

They'll take the whole flipping day.

Well, that's the five minutes up.

This is part of the reason I want to go for the job you know,

just try and get things a bit more organised.

SHE LAUGHS

Sometime later, quality delivers the goods.

Yeah, I got the form.

It's on a large piece of paper for some reason,

not quite sure what that's all about.

We'll trim that down now.

Now that was just to go and get an application form.

You know, that's the, that's how much palaver it takes just to

walk from one room to the next to say,

"I'm interested in working in your department, what's it all about?"

I've been in there 15 minutes to get a copy of an incorrect poster

which they've just basically shrunk it down

so it doesn't fit on the size of paper they give me,

so what I've got is what I had on the wall -

which was wrong then and it's wrong now.

CUSTOMER ON PHONE

Hello, is that Mrs Mordan?

The night of Deon and Kelly's date has arrived

and Deon's got all bases covered.

HE CHUCKLES

Prepared for everything.

Typical quality agent.

HE COUGHS

Erm, well, erm...

T-shirt...

Shirt...

Jeans and the aftershave as well,

it's got to be a, a bit of Paco Rabanne 1 Million.

Other aftershaves are available, of course.

Erm, yeah, so... hopefully that'll

impress her and if it doesn't I'm, er, going to be quite disappointed.

HE LAUGHS

HE CLEARS THROAT

Hello, is that Miss Rag?

Oh, right. OK, thank you.

Hello there, is that Mrs Rag?

Hiya, it's Kelly calling from Nationwide Energy Services,

just a quick courtesy call to...

I'm incredibly nervous about tonight, I can talk in front of

groups of people about their quality and I can give difficult people

feedback, but any time an emotion's involved I go to pot,

I'm terrible. I, I, I'm like, all I keep thinking is,

"Will I be saying the right things? What's she thinking?"

Yeah, I'm extremely nervous.

Oh, I'm so going to get the Mick taken out of me for this.

It's like when you're with her, the world's in high definition

and like when you're not with her, it's just black and white.

That's the easiest way to describe it without being overly

sickly, erm, but that's the kind of feeling I get.

Right, enjoy your date tonight.

-Ah, thank you.

-See you in the morning.

Deon, don't worry about it,

I heard the story I want to know more.

CHUCKLING You're going out on a date, are you?

-I am, yeah.

-When?

-Tonight.

Where... Tonight?! Where you going?

Erm, we're going for food, we don't know where yet.

Ah see, we were actually just talking about something about this now, right.

Like, don't get me wrong, food is great, gentleman-like,

ladylike, blah, blah, blah, but it's just a bit like...

Cliche.

Yeah, do you know what you should do? I reckon...

go somewhere on the marina by there, tonight now, couple

of drinks, little, little bit of food, walk around the, walk around...

Boating!

..the boats and stuff like that, on the beach, bit romantic like that.

Bit cold for that, John.

-Or then go for the fun element, bowling and have a laugh and get pissed.

-Have a laugh, bowling.

-Yeah.

Archery.

Got to watch the drink, though, working tomorrow.

-School night.

-You're BLEEP quality, you don't do any work!

Ah, BLEEP little violin out!

Get in the shower, son, and get your glad rags on.

Cheers, I better go and, erm, yeah, catch you later, guys.

I'll find out the goss tomorrow, son.

HE LAUGHS

Bless his cotton little socks!

-Hiya.

-Hi.

-Ready now?

-Yeah.

Today, Nev's hand-picked a crack team from marketing

and HR to help field the ideas from his brightest and best.

Oh hang on, he's got his props.

I thought you were going now, sorry... Sorry about the delay.

You brought that just in case you're caught short?

-Morning, Phil.

-Morning, people.

In any walk of life, and you know this better than anyone,

-it's important...

-To be regular?

-It's important to look after

the bottom, the grassroots of the company.

-Yeah.

-The salesman, yeah?

You're talking a load of shit.

This here is the cheap bog roll.

It's good stuff.

Have a feel of that, have a feel, go on.

-Lovely.

-Happy?

SHE LAUGHS

-Thank you so much(!)

-Do the cheek test.

-Rub it against your cheeks, see how that feels.

-LAUGHTER

-Not that cheek!

-This cheek?

That feels really nice.

Now, have a feel of this stuff, this is proper quilted paper.

OK.

-Come on, what do you think?

-Er, really?

Ben, do you want to...?

I've read made-up stats before.

LAUGHTER

There's not a stat he hasn't made up.

I think you've worked really hard in your presentation, I think

it's really great that you came in here prepared, you have props.

I've spent at least, at least 12 and a half minutes.

Right, Phil, shit idea.

It's gone down the pan, Phil.

It's... Your idea has gone down the pan totally, erm, you're a complete fart.

Get out! Go on, bugger off! get out!

LAUGHTER

On the head!

I think the idea went down the pan.

They thought it was crap, probably was, but, er, yeah.

Oh, well, now on to my next big business plan,

I'll let you know how that one goes.

-See-through toaster I reckon is one.

-Why?

Cos you know how brown your toast is without having to pop it up all the time.

"Ah, that's lovely that is," bang.

I made a new invention last night.

Gloves, right, but they've got like little letter boxes

on the index fingers so when you're in your garden or you're outdoors

you can just take the letter box off to do on your iPhone for...

-They've got them now.

-Have they?

Yeah, they've actually got gloves where your fingerprint

stays on them so you don't have even to take the fingers out.

-Little bit, erm...

-They do them in Tesco's.

I don't know why I bother.

NEV: Look out, I think we've got Griff.

-Richard Griffiths.

-Afternoon.

-The ideas man.

-How are you?

-We are fine, how are you, Griff?

-You're looking well.

-Yeah, I'm all right, thanks, yeah.

OK, go on, then, pitch us.

Every Friday, right, we invite a charity here

and basically they wash people's cars and

people want their cars washed and you come in in the morning,

the charity

will be sitting in the foyer, go up and see them, you give your two quid

whatever it is, give them your registration, the charity then go

round the car park just kind of wash cars all day and we could help out.

Lowest seller on the team every week in car park.

LAUGHTER

-Yeah, that's a good one. OK. Thanks, Griff.

-Cheers, nice to see you.

There's no point anybody else going in, mate, the money's spent.

It's always nice to be listened to, just depends what happens

afterwards, isn't it, you know, I listen to people all day on

the phone, never hear what they're saying, you know what I mean?

But, er, depends if they're listening or hearing, isn't it?

We'll see, though.

Next is Hayley, whose dreams of becoming

a masseuse are causing her to be anything but relaxed.

I don't know why I'm so nervous.

I don't know why I'm so nervous because my idea is banging and like

I'm just... Oh, I don't know, I didn't sleep last night because I haven't

rehearsed my script, like what I was going to say, my pitch and I've

got to look at them all and they're all staring at you and I hate it.

Ahh!

I'm just scared that I might stutter or forget words

or he might just ask me a question and I'll be like, "Ahh!"

SHE WHISTLES

I'm shitting myself.

"I'm very passionate about this as I would like to

"improve my career options for myself, as well,

"so when I'm putting down my occupation..."

-Oh, my God, I'm BLEEP next.

-SHE WHISTLES

BLEEP

SHE EXHALES

Right, I think we've got her ladyship coming in next.

Oh, here she goes. Hayley's really nervous.

Whatever she says, right, don't interrupt her, let, just,

just let her go.

BELL RINGS

-Hi.

-Rather nice, Hayley.

-Right, let's go.

Yeah, I know, dressed to impress, you know what I'm saying...? Presentation.

HAYLEY LAUGHS

-Let's go.

-Hayley, that's the longest dress I've ever seen you in.

-I know.

-You're normally in one that's two feet shorter than that.

-I can be a businesswoman, you know.

-Uh-hm.

Bet you're surprised, but watch this, right.

-Right, I'm... I'm wowed.

-Right.

My idea is HMPS -

Happy Massaged People Sell.

Your motto is

Happy People Sell, everyone's happy after a massage, right?

When you're sitting down all day, your back hurts,

you're slouching, getting knots inside you and that

and you get anxious about hitting targets and stuff,

but I come along, have a gas,

do them a cuppa,

"Right, how's it going today?"

Have a gas with them, massage them, yeah, happier workforce

means more sales in the workforce and more cash in your pocket, OK?

This is an actual business idea for yourself and for myself

because I'm very passionate about this as I'd like to

further my career in life as well because when I write

stuff down like, when someone asks me what's my occupation, when

I say the word "tealady" you know, a "tealady/masseust" it's going to

make me look a bit, you know, so, erm, you might think, yeah, masseuse,

whatever it's called, erm, you might think...

-Masseust?

-Masseust, whatever...

You might think, "How you going to do this then?

"Whilst doing teas and coffees?" But I'll do it while I'm going round. Now, er, I think...

SHE CLICKS FINGERS

I think that's it, like.

LAUGHTER

Er, but, yeah no, I'm sure I had loads here.

Erm.

-Take your time.

-Yeah, and I'm here to put a smile on everyone's face!

That was the big finish, Hayley?!

The big finish!

That was the end.

Hayley, you put a smile on everybody's face all the time.

-That's it.

-I mean...

-OK?

-Yeah, it's...

-I don't feel I've said enough, mind.

-Right, bugger off.

-Right, bye now.

Bye, thanks for coming.

She's skipping out the door!

-LAUGHTER

-She did well.

Unlucky, boys. I just owned it. Ta-ra. Ta-ra. Ta-ra.

Shut up, Hayley.

-Yeah, I did, well I did, didn't I?

-What's yours?

Massage?

Owned it, owned it, good luck, guys.

Owned it, didn't I?

Owned it. Definitely. I can feel it in my bones.

She forgot just about every word that was more than

one syllable long.

Well, every word other than rub.

LAUGHTER

That is what you call an investment for me and the company.

Yeah! Get in there, get in there, boy.

You're making my arse look huge with this.

What do you know about Deon from last night?

Briefly walked past me.

Right.

And, and I just said to him, "How did it go?"

and he had a very nice look on his face like it went very well.

-Oh, here he is, look. Deon, son!

-There he is.

Deon?! Believe it or not we were just having a chat about you.

-What a surprise.

-Come here, but. Where did you go?

-Erm, we ended up going to The Smoke Haus.

-Smoke Haus, yeah.

-Nice?

-Yeah, really good, erm...

-Conversation flowing?

-It, it was definitely flowing.

-Holding hands?

Was you holding hands when you was going in there?

-Yeah, and coming out, yeah.

-Yeah.

-Erm, no drinking.

-What did you do after that?

-Enough drinking Saturday.

-Where did you go, where did you go after? What did you do?

-Went for a drive and then just, just took her home.

-Where did you drive to?

-Never you mind where I drove to.

-Come on!

-No, no.

-What? You went for a drive?

Went for a drive down The Mumbles.

-I don't kiss and tell.

-You've got to give us something.

A little kiss on the cheek as she went off or...?

There was, there was kissing involved.

-Kiss on the lips.

-Yeah, kiss on the lips. A nice romantic kiss.

Rumour tells me you're doing something Friday.

-We are, yeah.

-Yeah? What's the plans?

-Erm, bowling.

-Yeah!

-Good suggestion. You've been talking about that for ever.

Bit of bowling and she wants to go to the cinema as well so...

Nice.

-Ah, bless him.

-Ah, love him.

News of Deon's date has spread to Nev who puts giving

tender staff support high on the business agenda.

# All my pictures seem to fade to black and white

# Don't let the sun go down on me in HD

# Don't let the sun... #

-All right, Nev?

-Deon, you all right?

I'm, I'm perfect, thanks, a lot of work to do, though.

-A lot of work to do, Deon.

-Busy, busy, busy.

-No time to fall in love then, Deon?

-No. Not at all.

Are you a good tonsil hockey-ist?

Probably asking the wrong person here.

Who should I ask?

I don't know, I don't know if there's anyone you can ask, Nev. I don't know.

It's not what I've heard, Deon, it's not what I've heard,

you're waffling bullshit there, Deon. But, erm, tell me the truth.

I may have fallen for someone.

Fallen?!

Blinking heck, you just fall off a cliff.

DEON LAUGHS

Hang on.

IMITATES SIZZLING NOISE

LAUGHTER

There's colour there, it's red.

I mean, if Deon's feelings are reciprocated in any way,

we could have a call-centre wedding.

DEON SIGHS

-What?

-Busy, busy, busy.

Deon's very busy, we'd better go, we better leave him to it.

-You're doing a good job, Deon.

-Thanks, Nev.

Which is why I love you.

Love him.

LAUGHTER

Thanks.

DEON CHUCKLES AND SIGHS

Nev's decided which proposal to roll with.

I thought Hayley's idea was going to be bonkers, but it's not,

this one might have legs, it's got potential,

it could increase sales and it'll certainly enthuse Hayley again.

Could, could work.

Now he's got to break it to the great mind that thought it up.

-Hello!

-Hello.

Thank you very much, Hayl, thank you very much.

You know, erm, you want to be a masseust?

Yeah.

You're going to be taught to be a masseuse tomorrow,

you'll be given all the, erm, all the do's and dont's of masseustism.

-OK.

-Don't clap on your own, I might throw you a fish.

-Oh, yeah. Erm, sound.

-Is that all right?

-Like full-on, like full-on teach me?

-Good, innit?

-Really good. Thanks, Nev.

-All right.

-Thanks, Nev.

-OK. Well done, Hayley.

I'm a masseust!

LAUGHTER

-Not yet, you've haven't been coached.

-Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. Thank you.

All right, get out!

I am now going to be a qualified masseust.

So, I'm going to be rubbing people down!

Relieving their stress.

Right, ta-ra, you bastards, I'm BLEEP off on my masseuse course.

Masseuse, mass... What is it, guys?

Masseur, masseur, masseust, a masseust, a masseust? A masseur?

What is it?

A masseust, a masseur,

a masseur, a massager?

A massager, a masseur, I can't think what it's BLEEP called now,

you're making me say it too much, I can't remember the word.

Whatever. Ta-ra, teatime.

We've got somebody from quality sniffing around.

Is she taller than me?

Quality... If you didn't have the Griffs of this world,

you wouldn't need them!

They are the traffic wardens of the call centre, nobody likes them.

I love them really, erm, but they stop the roads clogging up.

After jumping the date hurdle, Deon's now facing a work one.

Come on, Griff, feedback time.

-What's happenin'?

-Feedback, mate.

Try and get you a bit more bonus.

Lead the way. I don't want to shake hands.

'Griff is probably the hardest sales agent to deal with.'

He sometimes feels that as a quality department we nag him and we're

taking things away from him which he doesn't necessarily agree with.

-How many deals you on?

-Three.

Is that good by your standards, do you think? Are you happy with that?

It's good by anybody's standards in an hour and 15 minutes.

-Yeah, but you've always got high standards for yourself.

-I wouldn't go that far.

'And sometimes he, he maybe doesn't understand er, everything'

that's going on in the company or maybe reasons why as a sales agent

he is getting penalised for things going on within the company.

So, getting that message across to him can sometimes be hard.

OK, let's take an example. Erm, say this customer has lived in this property ten years,

how much were they paying on their energy bills ten years ago?

I haven't got a clue, probably half as much as they're paying now

cos the bills have doubled in, doubled in ten years...

So they've increased as the years have gone on?

So, it's not what it's doing for them now, we want them to look

at it long term, I'm not saying you haven't sold enough, I'm saying that

there's always potential that you could sell more to build in more...

Yeah, but they could...

But what if, as you said, in the next week something happens or

he completely forgets about it because...

There's nothing I can do about that, can't be responsible for Mr Mohammed's memory.

But what I'm saying is if you had given him

more to work on because it was that much more important cos there's

more in it for him, there's a higher chance of him remembering it. That, that's true, surely?

-No, I could speak to somebody for an hour...

-Listen, if you do it or not...

Do you want to be my girlfriend? You're not letting me finish a sentence?

Course I am, I'm letting you finish.

But by building up more desire it becomes more important, that's all.

-Wait there.

-Whether you choose to do it or not, Griff, I'm not...

Listen, you can do it if you want or you can't.

No, I just need to count to five briefly... Just give me.

Right, sorry, crack on.

You're asking questions, I'm giving you answers, if you don't like the answers.

It's not so much I don't like them it's just they're mental.

-Can you speak French?

-No.

-That's my point exactly.

-How is that your point? Cos you're not speaking to me in French.

-Exactly.

-He speaks English and you speak English.

-Can you speak French?

-No, but you're not speaking to me in French.

-No, but can you speak French?

-That has no relevance to the point though, does it?

-But do you?

-No.

-You don't. Say no more.

Right, let's break it down easy, then.

One of the questions you haven't asked,

"Can you park within 90m of the property?"

-Now, whether that customer...

-I'd let them Google it.

OK, but are you asking that customer because you...

I'd let them Google it, why am I asking

-if I've already looked on Google Earth?

-Do you confirm that was his property

-because it wasn't on the call.

-I confirmed it by his address, I got his address.

Google Earth is sometimes wrong, I think it's fair to say.

What if the property has changed since then? Let's just say,

let's say it has changed or the road's changed.

The property's changed or they put the property back 100m.

But something has been built there or they've changed the road,

you don't know, Griff. You don't know.

At the end of the day you don't know so you've got to confirm.

Yeah, that's right, yeah, that's a good point, that's a good point,

yeah, that may well have happened, yeah, good thinking.

Yeah, I'll check them from now on,

just in case they've moved the house.

I never said about moving the house.

Or the road sorry, sorry, which one was it?

Or the road, I'm saying they could have changed design of...

It's houses not a pair of pants, it's a house.

Say this is a house, right, and that's a road, yeah, and you're saying,

no, I'm not about moving the house, you said they have moved the road,

-well, they're going to move a road 100m and take the other road away?

-I'm saying...

-What's... He walk across the...?

-Griff, come on, we've been off 40 minutes now.

-Deon, I'm going to have to cut it short here.

-No, that's fine.

Yeah, I'm more than happy to and... just turned into absolute nonsense.

I'm just saying that make sure you, you are clarifying on the questions.

So what, what I'll do now is..

"Oh, can you park within 90m of your home?

"Yeah, you can, are you sure?

"Is there any plans to move the house or move the road in the next few weeks?"

Deon, we'll you leave it there, mate, may have to pick up another time, all right.

-Yeah, that's fine.

-OK.

I don't think there's anybody quite like Griff in the whole world

that, erm, he does just enough to get by all the time and erm,

if there's a corner to be cut, yeah, he'll try and cut it

and explain why it's necessary to cut that corner.

I thought it went quite well and...

HE CHUCKLES

There's only so much bollocks I can take in my life

and I used up the full quota myself.

This is what happens with him and Cutters

and people like that, they used to do this and they scramble to get off

the phone because it's hard and then they tell us how BLEEP easy it is.

Sometimes you're trying to help people but they don't necessarily

take that on board and that, sometimes when you're trying to feed that

back, that message back to them and they don't, maybe, necessarily care.

There are elements where you've just got to kind of, in a way,

I guess, face defeat.

After a short massage course, Hayley's being let loose

and she's armed for stress relief.

Crikey, what's that?!

This? Sean, I know you like this.

LAUGHTER

It's double-ended!

Come on, then!

It's supposed to be relaxing but it's turning me on.

LAUGHTER

Oh, Hayley, that's absolutely banging,

anything bad I've ever said about you I take back.

Yeah!

I don't think this goes through the hairspray like.

It's not moving. It's not budging through the hairspray.

It's not going through the hairspray.

LAUGHTER

I think I'm going to go, Mr Jones!

Hi there, Mr Jones...!

LAUGHTER

Don't worry, she's in a good mood now, right, she'll sell after this.

'I did learn quite a lot in a short space of time, I didn't

'realise how much into depth there is about, about massaging like, you know,'

I thought like it's just blah blah blah bam bam and just feel,

get the knots out and stuff but it's not there's, there's more to it.

I think a lot of people were just like,

"Oh, God, Hayley's going to be

"a massage therapist" or whatever but now they've had

the massages off me. I've done a few people and they are already like,

"Oh, my God this is amazing, so glad we've got this in work."

So, but I can't do too many cos my hands are starting to ache now.

Yeah, would that be a morning appointment or afternoon?

It's not just stress that Hayley's magic hands are helping to

knock off, they're also notching up sales.

Yeah, shall we get it booked for the morning, OK?

If you've got a pen and paper I can give you all my details. It's all because of this...

It works.

SHE CLEARS THROAT

Well done to both of you.

-Thank you.

-Was that cos of me?

-I haven't had a deal all day!

LAUGHTER

I've had one deal in two days and then she comes round, thank you.

There we are, Dicky, ha-ha!

Well done. He was on one.

Kieran just had a deal while I was giving him a massage

and he hadn't had any all morning.

So er, maybe that was cos of me or I don't know!

I don't know.

To be honest with you I thought Hayley's technique was shit

to start off with but then she started to get,

to get into it like, enjoyed it.

I wouldn't necessarily pay for it like

but it's all right for free, innit?

I love my job and every day's different but at some...

but then I'm still doing the same teas and coffees every single day,

I know exactly what everyone drinks, it becomes,

not like a factory job but I got a routine cos I know exactly what

they all have and I just pour it, give it, pour it, give it, pour it,

give it, pour it, give it, pour it, give it, pour it, give it, you know,

so this is breaking up my day as well as giving sweets and stuff out.

Yeah, you know, it is nice to do other stuff in the call centre as well.

His bridges well and truly burnt with quality,

Griff's back at square one on the phones.

CALL CONNECTED: Hello?

-Hello, is that Mr Cummings?

-That depends, who's this?

Erm, well it depends, who's that?

CUSTOMER LAUGHS

And he's still not happy with the interior design.

Cutters, why have you put those smiley faces up on the board?

For everyone that's hit their target this week, mate.

So it's a smiley face to create a positive, positive,

just a positive thing, a positive energy.

A sense of achievement, innit?

Look at and they're happy that they've hit their target.

Smiley face.

So, like winners, you hit your target you're a winner.

We'll get it sorted out for you, Griff, in the meantime though if you

just want to sit there and we've got happy people selling down that way.

All you have to do then is just turn round

-and have a quick look at your smiley face on the board.

-Happy people smell!

CHUCKLING

Don't they just?

Happy people smell.

This job is boring, yeah, it's monotonous, it's not really meant

for BLEEP human beings do you know what I mean, but we haven't trained

the chimps up yet, you know, as soon as we do they'll move straight in.

# Every loser wins... #

Hi, Mrs Hunter?

As the week draws to a close, Hayley has renewed vigour and there's

one very important person her happy hands have left until last.

Hi.

Hello!

I wanted to do people first so I get practice before I do you

so, you know, that it's all right but I'll be honest with you...

..muscular people...

-Yeah, that's me.

-..use toys on.

Yeah, well, I couldn't make out if you was a muscular person or the fatter people...

-What?!

-..use more pressure!

I was like - "He's muscular but he's also chunky as well."

SHE LAUGHS

So... I use.

Well, chunky's all right. Fat!

No, but you have got a bad back haven't you, so that...

..well, I think, but anyway.

Get on with it.

-Right, so you need to relax first...

-That's me relaxed.

-You need to sit a bit forward...

-Sit a bit forward.

-..and, again right.

-Right.

Right. Now I just have to warm you up for a minute.

Ah.

Hey.

-That one made me shiver.

-Did it?

-Yeah.

-Some people have had goose pimples with this.

-Yeah, goose pimples, is what it is.

Oh...

When I first heard about it...

I thought, erm...

"What a dopey idea."

Other call centre's got it.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. I just hope it's not contagious.

It has enhanced sales...

..it is, it is good, it is nice.

This is nice erm,

but, not only, but also, it has enhanced Hayley's career.

Not only, but also, for the first time in history,

-Hayley has won an attendance bonus.

-Oh, yeah, yeah!

Yeah, the one...

-Yes, last week I was waiting for someone to tell you.

-Ever since she has been here

Hayley has erm,

missed out on attendance bonus which is £1.50 an hour for four years.

SHE LAUGHS

She's been down the pan now for probably reaching

£14,500 in the time that she's been here.

The sales people are having a heart attack when I walk in early!

Last week she earned attendance bonus.

Marvellous!

That's supposed to wake you up.

Oh, yeah, that woke me up, right.

In all honesty, what do you think of it?

Oh, look, in all honesty?

In all honesty, out of ten how much do you think, how well do you think I did?

-You did really well, it was a ten.

-No, really, though.

Really now. Really really really.

Yeah, maybe this year, I'm just, I've got more, what's the word you're

looking for when you got, more... what's the word I'm looking for?

-When I...

-Drive? Commitment? Dedication?

No, you've got more priority, no commit, you've got more,

there's a word you know, when you've got,

you're striving to be better in yourself and more.

Hayley, life is moving in the right direction

-but do it again next week, yeah?

-I'll try.

You can do this, Hayl, you can do it, you can

do it, I know you can do it, I've got faith.

-OK.

-All right? Is that all right?

-Yeah.

-Happy girl?

-Yeah.

-Are you?

-Yeah.

-Good.

-Thank you.

Well done. Get out!

Something's energised her, she's got enough energy, I know

but something has clicked in her and she's made it on time to work

five days on the trot, a magnificent performance(!)

For most people it would be expected, for Hayley it is

a magnificent performance, just getting here on time.

I'm thrilled.

HE CHUCKLES

I know I'm just a complete and utter mess and I'm a mockery,

I am a mockery to society like, you know, why can't

I just be normal and earn money and wake up?

I'm growing up slowly and it's

crazy because you've seen, I think he's seen me growing up into a woman and

changing careers and turning into a massage therapist and, who knows, next

year I could be a manager in here you know, with more ideas floating

about, this room in here could be my little salon, you don't know.

You don't know, do you?

Don't underestimate the tea lady,

I'm full of ideas even though I haven't got a brain.

SHE CHUCKLES

Hayley's life is moving in the right direction but Deon and Kelly

have reached the end of the road.

Deon man, how the devil are you?

-Not too bad mate, not too bad.

-Good, good, good.

What you up to?

So, what's going on then?

Nothing, nothing much. How are you?

I'm good, rumour on the grapevine erm, this er,

-it's gone a little bit Pete Tong.

-It has, mate, it has, erm...

What happened?

Just kind of wanted different things.

She wanted something more relaxed I think, maybe she just didn't want,

she wasn't ready for a relationship whereas I was so we just

decided to kind of be mates, I think it's for the best really, no point

trying to er, trying to work with something that's not quite there.

I wouldn't take it to heart, too much like, how old are you?

-20?

-23.

-23?

-So you are still quite young, now, was she young as well?

-Er, she was 21.

21. But you are looking for the old er..

-Yeah, I mean.

-Settling down.

I'd like to try and find someone who I kind of just connect with.

Not sort of settle down as in like kids

and houses, I'm not talking about that settled down

-but in a proper relationship, not the casual thing.

-Yeah, exactly.

Is it, is it, is it doing your head in a little bit, is it?

Yeah, I mean you're going to be gutted, aren't you?

But you've just got to kind of just get back on,

get back on your horse and just carry on.

At the end of the day you've just got to, you've just got to sort of

like, I don't know, not sort of brush it off but you've got to, you've

got to keep a brave face about it all at the end of the day, haven't you?

-Got to.

-But I don't know it's just like...

It will be difficult for you and

because...you're going to see her all the time, aren't you?

Yeah. I guess it's kind of like, even if it's only like a couple

of weeks it's, it's always just going to kind of hit you a little

hard really and it's just going to get over but live and learn, don't you?

-You'll be all right now.

-Yeah.

-Right.

Yeah, you going back to your team now? Cheers, mate.

Yeah, going to have a little gander.

-Appreciate it, cheers, man.

-Don't worry, chin up right, don't worry about it.

-Cheers, mate.

-Happy days.

Me and Deon went out a few times, spent a bit of time together

but I think it just kind of slowly fizzled out to

a point where we just decided to stop seeing each other

because there was just nothing really going on there.

To be honest, I hadn't really looked that far ahead as to where it

was going but it didn't really feel like it was going anywhere or

I felt like maybe he wanted it to go a bit further than

I wanted it to go so it was better off just to stop

seeing each other now so we can still be friends.

I don't think they want me to go in.

-Hello, Nev.

-Hello, Liz. Do you mind if I come in?

-Of course not.

-Oh good, thanks, Liz.

-You all right, Deon?

-Yep, good thanks, Nev.

-Are you sure you're all right?

-Yeah, fine.

I'm trying to make sure you're, you know,

console you is what I'm trying to do.

Oh, I don't need consoling, I'm fine.

And I think we just wanted different things, Nev,

think that's what it kind of ended up being.

-Different things.

-Yeah.

-So what did she want?

I just don't think she wanted a relationship. Unfortunately.

-You glad I've come to console you?

-Nope.

LAUGHTER

Probably made it worse but it's fine.

-You're all right, yeah?

-Yeah, I'm fine.

-OK.

It's OK cos happy people, you know, don't have to work in this

department, do they?

I think I need to go and find him another date.

No, no, you don't, no, I'm perfectly fine,

I'm perfectly fine without another date.

I think I need to march him up and down the call centre

but I'm, I'm sensing a certain amount of resistance to my idea.

-You should be sensing a lot of resistance, to be honest.

-I think I should, yeah.

If I'm not giving you enough resistance I'm not doing it right. That I think is the problem here,

I'm not showing you enough resistance.

It's a specialised subject of mine.

You're not impressed, are you?

OK.

Every single one of us, like everyone in here...it feels like we're part

of his family, so he looks out for each and every one of us and I guess

if someone in your family was upset you wouldn't just go, "Oh, there, there"

give them some comforting words and walk away, you do anything you can

to make them happy and that's what I think Nev's trying to do, erm...

I wouldn't say he's doing it in the right way in my case but erm,

he's trying which er, you can't, you can't fault him for.

I know you want to shake my warmly by the throat but shake my hand instead.

That'll be fine.

Cos I am rooting for you, you know that.

Yeah always. Thanks, Nev.

Thanks, Deon.

Doing well.

Shows he cares.

As Nev says, SWSWSWN.

Some will, some won't, so what, next.

It's disappointing but that's life for you, isn't it? Ups and downs.

How about a cake, mate?

-I'm all right.

-Why?

What, what's in it?

-Er, chocolate. Chocolate cake.

-What's the catch?

There's no catch, mate, just cos I like you.

-Free cake?

-Free cake.

I'll eat it, Deon, but if I die, I'm coming back to haunt you.

-Awesome, if you die, can I have your job?

-Yeah.

By the time I was 23 I'd had two kids erm,

and times are different now.

Bottom line is he is still hurting, it you know, it was in later life

that I seemed to cock up more in relationships so erm...

..he's got a lot to look forward to.

We're blokes, we continuously cock it up.

Next time...

"Roses are red, violets are blue, you're really pretty,

"I want to shaft you!"

Love is in the air.

I don't want to find love in the call centre, I want to man with money like.

LAUGHTER

Nev shows the work experience the ropes.

Come on.

-And Griff is on the edge.

-Obviously, you're grossly over paid

so I wouldn't imagine you're qualified.

I'm just trying to find out who's entitled to a free boiler

and it's ended like this.

Disappointed in the extreme.