Thorpey Is My Ginger Rottweiler The Call Centre

Just calling to help you lower the cost of your energy bills,

-by finding the right tariff available to you. Are you the bill payer?

-'I certainly am.'

Nev Wilshire is CEO of Swansea's third largest call centre.

Get out! Get out!

What sums up my management style?

Some say I'm barking orders, some say I'm barking mad.

WOOF! Oh, sorry.

But there's life in the old dog yet.

DOG BARKING IN BACKGROUND

'Not again! Not again!'

It's an industry that now employs over one million

people in the UK, with an average age of just 26.

'Oh, piss off!'

Call centres are the factories of our time.

Get these deals, make these calls. That's what I'm talking about!

Think I just dialled your missus by mistake!

But times have been tough.

A few years ago the Queen had an annus horribilis, a horrible year.

We've had an annus anus.

It's been tough.

Go, John!

More than ever, Nev's relied on his unique approach

to motivating his young workforce.

Oh, Johnny!

Now he's fighting back...

See? That's what you've got to beat.

Are we making money again now, yeah? Go for it, then.

..with his loyal troops right behind him.

Our main challenge in HR is, um...

Hey, Geoff, you're looking good!

I was going to say Nev then. Don't say that!

Morale is on the up...

CHEERING

..for this Swansea call centre.

Where victory is only a cold call away.

Are you not entertained?

What's it like to be in charge of 600 people?

It's an endurance, sometimes it's a marathon.

Sometimes, you have to sprint to keep up.

But I love it. I absolutely love it.

Welcome to Nev's world.

It's 11am and call centre CEO Nev Wilshire is taking time out

from running his multimillion pound empire...

Johnny, on the head, son!

..to celebrate a recent victory for local football team Swansea City.

I put that... Oh, Johnny! The mess you're making on my floor!

Sort it out.

Whenever the Swans win,

supporters of rival team Cardiff get a rough ride.

I mean, you should be lucky that

I let a Cardiff City fan even work here!

You should be paying ME to come in here!

-And you wonder why I tell you to

-BLEEP

-off all the time?

Because you're not very nice!

-Bye!

-Yeah, bye.

-Brent.

-Hi there.

-Your tickets.

Nev has a number of Swansea season tickets that he likes to lend out

to fellow supporters.

Johnny, West Ham on Saturday.

-Thank you very much. But...

-However...

-I need to decline.

-Why?

-Cos I'm going in the away end.

-In the away end?

-The away end.

-West Ham, ain't I?

-You sad

-BLEEP.

-Are we late?

-Are we late for what?

-Work.

-No.

Two of the biggest Swans fans are Simon Vye, 23,

and his 21-year-old brother, Kieran.

-CAR HORN BEEPS

-Hey-hey!

-Who was that?

-I don't know!

Nev's a top boss, he's all right to me, I get on with him.

Gives me tickets for the football.

'He's a cool guy.'

The pair have been cold calling for nearly three years.

You're on the phone all day, like, it just gets boring.

They changed the hours - when it was only six-hour shifts,

it was a lot quicker, the day went...

Now it's eight-hour shifts, but we don't work weekends, so it's all right.

As long as I don't work on the weekends, I can play football and I'm happy.

Kieran is known as one of the call centre's top sellers...

-'Hello?'

-Hello, is that Miss Phelps?

-'Yes.'

-Hi there. It's Kieran from Nationwide Energy,

I'm a grants advisor for the local area...

..but also for being notoriously unfocused.

-'Right.'

-The reason I'm calling is to find out

-if you've had your insulation done yet.

-'Yes, I have.'

That's excellent.

On top of that, though, do you know how the Swans got off last night?

-'Sorry?'

-Do you know how the Swans got off last night?

You know, you being Cardiff and all that, Wales...

-Swansea City... football.

-'No.'

Oh, we won 3-0, it's not a problem, I'll amend my records now,

-thanks a lot for your time.

-CUSTOMER LAUGHS

I rang someone the other day in Birmingham and asked him

-for a contact number, and he was like, "0121,

-BLEEP

-do one."

-Ha-ha!

And that... That's what he told me. I didn't know whether to laugh...

Do you know what I mean?

They won't put us together, probably because we get up to mischief.

I don't know. Cause the trouble, start the trouble, end the trouble.

Bring it on!

-Is that it?

-Yeah. Do you want another game, or what?

-Yeah.

Sales agents are allowed a 10 minute break every three hours,

but the Vye brothers' pool game started 20 minutes ago,

and floor manager Dwayne has just noticed.

Is there any reason why we're playing pool and not on the phones?

-Can we get back on the floor, please?

-Yeah, OK, no problem.

-Kieran, in the office as well, please.

-All right, mate.

Stop wasting my time.

You need to have a good look at your attitude, mate,

-because it's not good enough at the moment.

-I had 15 leads this week.

Well done. Great. You should never be falling short of 15 in a week. Never.

-So much potential going to waste.

-What do you mean by potential?

-I don't get it.

-Be more professional.

That's all I'm asking for.

-Right.

-You think you're good on the phones?

-Not really.

-You don't?

-It's just luck.

-It's all luck, is it?

-Yeah.

-How is it luck?

Getting phone calls and going through deals with them.

There is nothing luck about it. You are bloody good at what you do.

You talk fantastically well to customers, you know the product.

All I'm asking for you is a little bit more focus from yourself.

Change your attitude, mate, because if you don't change things,

it's not going to be a pretty sight. Right?

Yeah.

'At the moment, he's playing stupid.'

He's not, he's quite an intelligent bloke,

but he plays stupid about, er, he doesn't know what he's doing

wrong, this, that, the other, how can I improve?

Just generally, his attitude stinks.

One thing in Kieran's favour is

that Nev sees potential in his call centre future.

Everybody all right?

How many are you selling?

Two? Two.

I mean, the Vye brothers are good lads.

You know, at the moment, they're still young and it's

beer and curry tokens that they earn, not money.

But they'll mature, they'll come on,

and I hope they have good careers here.

Nev is a cool guy.

Once or twice, I could have lost my job,

but Nev's put his foot in and said no.

Kept me here.

As favourites of the boss,

the Vye brothers often get to use Nev's Swansea City season tickets.

But after attending last night's game, Kieran has got some bad news.

I haven't got his ticket today.

I went to the game last night and they took the ticket off me.

There were people in front of me, standing up,

I said something to the supervisor and went for a pint

with my mate, and then the next thing, he took the ticket off me.

But by the looks of things,

I'm going to have to go back down there and get it today.

Thanks a lot for your time, have a nice day.

News of the lost season tickets soon spreads.

Have you lost his ticket?

-Sort of.

-He's going to freak, and do you know what he's going to do?

Come Monday, Hull at home,

"Nobody's having any tickets any more.

"You lot can't be trusted any more."

So, not only have you let yourself down, right, your family,

your team, you're more importantly letting me down.

If you was in my boots, what would you say to him?

-If I was you, I'd have

-BLEEP

-topped myself about

-BLEEP

three years ago, but if I was you and I hadn't topped myself,

-I wouldn't have come in today and I'd be down the job centre, looking for another

-BLEEP

-job.

-I'd have been doing today what you're going to be doing tomorrow.

-That's a bit over the top, isn't it?

-You're

-BLEEP,

-then, are you?

I dunno.

-Come and see me after.

-Right, nice one.

With a bit of luck, if I can go down there in the next half hour,

20 minutes, before my break's over,

get the ticket back, and it's all gravy.

But Nev's already got wind that there was an incident

at his beloved football club, and has gone looking for his tickets.

-The guy who threw you out...

-The supervisor.

-Did he throw Simon out, as well?

-No. He left. He left with me.

After 20 minutes?

20 minutes.

-So, the ticket is down the stadium?

-I can go and get it, man.

I'll come with you.

He can't do that.

They are my seats!

Can't believe it, we had to watch it in the pub.

Nev is outraged that Kieran was apparently unfairly ejected.

It appears that they got kicked out of their seats yesterday.

Well, not their seats, MY seats. So, I'm about to ring the stadium and find out,

why were my seats given away to somebody else?

DIALLING TONE

But when Nev calls the stadium,

they have a very different version of events.

I see. OK, thanks.

The lying bastards!

They hadn't double-sold the seats, they got ejected

from the ground for foul and abusive language to a steward.

Oh, my God! Eugh! Eugh! That is hanging!

It's a wasp, is it? A dead wasp?

At least it's not inside the bottle, you know?

With over 600 people working under him,

Nev can't deal with every staff indiscretion himself.

It's the job of call centre manager Richard Thorpe, also known

as the Enforcer, to maintain discipline on the sales floor.

10% of my job is being a complete knobhead, bastard,

horrible, dislikeable...

..cock.

We have to follow the rules of, what is it? Employment law. We have...

Look around you! There is no law, I am the law.

Sometimes 15%. 20.

Do you honestly expect me to believe this bullshit?

Oh, who am I kidding? On a bad week, it's 100%, isn't it?

-Thorpey, you all right?

-Hello, Nev, how are you?

-I'm OK.

Thorpey is my ginger Rottweiler.

His office is not so much an office, as a cage.

And if you are invited into Thorpey's office, cage,

you know you're going to get barked at.

-'Hello?'

-Hello, is that Mrs Hurst?

'Yes.'

My name's Brent Davis from Nationwide Energy,

I'm calling about your cavity wall insulation.

'No, we're not interested, we've already got it.'

Oh, if you've got it, yeah, you won't need it twice.

Laid-back sales agent Brent has been on the phone for two years

and is next in line for a friendly chat with the Enforcer.

I went on holiday two weeks ago, for two weeks,

and, er, I only booked one week off. Because I only had a week holiday.

So, it's about that, really.

It's a sackable offence, it's gross misconduct.

And it would be in any job.

I'm going to be in the shit for this, I know.

Come through, mate.

You're stupid for not letting me know.

No, I realise that now.

I thought, because I let somebody know, you know,

I just didn't think it would be...

Yeah, but that's cobblers, isn't it? It doesn't work like that.

That was a load of rubbish, that was.

Because it's so relaxed here all the time, you know, I just...

It's like we're one big family, really.

Oh, dear me!

-One big family who just

-BLEEP

-off on holiday whenever they want.

That's rubbish as well.

Mm-hm.

It's such a laugh of a place to work for, a lot of the time,

so that people can forget we are a serious moneymaking organisation.

And ultimately,

I'm responsible for ensuring that we get the required volume of sales.

Um, it went all right.

Well, I say all right, I got a final written warning.

So, it's not a sack. So, that's the main thing.

Just got to get sales now and...

I can't really stand here and make a joke about it,

because they're watching me.

So...

I've got to sit down.

I'm the bearer of bad news a lot of the time.

I'm the person who's seen as the horrible bastard,

who sits in his office, "He doesn't know what's going on.

"We're the workers. Up yours, Thorpey!"

But with 15 years call centre experience behind him, Thorpey

knows that certain distractions can have an adverse effect on sales.

Office romances are something I do frown upon,

because it can cause an awful lot of problems.

99% of relationships split up.

So why would you possibly engage in a relationship with someone

who directly works for you?

Relationships aren't perfect. They're full of ups and downs.

There's arguments, there's little break-ups. They're

difficult enough as it is without having one

with someone in work.

But Thorpey doesn't quite practice what he preaches.

Yeah, I'm...I'm...

What am I doing?

My mum would say, or my gran would say

that I'm courting at the moment.

In that I...

..I am seeing someone who actually works in this call centre.

And when you're an eligible bachelor,

the sales floor can appear a garden of plenty.

If I'm a single man and I've got my pick of the bunch,

I might as well pick the best of the bunch.

There's no point pissing around with a girl who I think

I might half fancy and she is more my league,

so I'll give it a shot

because I won't feel such a knob then for being knocked back.

If I do get knocked back, I'm going to go top drawer.

Top drawer for 44-year-old Thorpey...

..is 21-year-old sales agent Mary-Ann.

-Are you the bill payer?

-'No, that's the missus.'

You're not the bill payer?

'No, that's my wife's job. Any man who says he rules the house

'is full of shit. A woman does it all.

'She does all the bills, electric company,

-'phone bills and everything.'

-OK.

He liked me and I liked him, so...

Yeah.

Behind work scenes, he is a really, really nice guy.

He's different, like, what he's like.

He's not like the hard guy or the horrible guy people say he is.

What first attracted me to Mary-Ann?

Er...

Her personality.

What attracted her to me

was obviously my dazzling chiselled features, my pearly smile, my...

wit and charm and... my receding ginger hair line.

He just followed me about. He was like a lost puppy, like, literally.

But it was good, he did try really hard and then I gave in.

He's a nice guy. They say he's the enforcer, but he's not.

I'm the enforcer at home. SHE LAUGHS

-Do you have a specific guy you like?

-Yeah, it's a certain type I go for.

-So who's that type?

-Tom Daley until he turned out gay.

Aww!

Well, all the best-looking guys are gay, let's be honest.

It's just a shame, really.

But then also, I like Alan Sugar -

-he works really hard for himself.

-Yeah.

He's very independent.

He is not, like, lazy, like, sponges off his parents or nothing like that.

He's got good qualities.

Despite dating a woman half his age for the last 18 months,

Thorpey's gone to great lengths to keep the relationship under wraps.

I made it clear to Mary-Ann

when we first started seeing each other that...

..we wouldn't be having direct contact in work.

I didn't want it to be one of those relationships where

people are fawning all over each other in the workplace.

That was never going to happen, because that's going to

ruin my image, isn't it, as being Mr Bastard?

But secrets are hard to keep in the call centre.

Pretty much everybody knows,

but they've kept it on the low down because he's a manager. Like, if

we say anything, it's like, are we meant to say anything, are we not?

It's like, it's a bit like, oh!

Thorpey and Mary-Ann, I've known for probably nine months.

Everybody knows.

Everybody's known for a long while. Just not officially known.

Good on him.

He's, like, twice her age. What a legend.

Thorpey's a legend.

Yeah, he is a legend in my eyes.

I do respect Thorpey for pulling Mary-Ann, definitely.

-When I'm his age I'd like a young...

-fit bird like that.

Yeah.

You'd never think about putting them two together, would you?

Cos she's so quiet and she's like, she walks around so sophisticated

and then you've got Thorpey.

Missing tooth, you know, walking around loud as hell.

The thing is, that's why he likes so many people to know, because of

the fact that, say for instance now he's walking past the floor

cos HR's in there,

he's gone into HR, like, he literally just walked past like that

and not look at each other. I can see Mary-Ann like, following him

but he just won't look or she won't look at him.

But it's like, how can you be in a relationship

and just blank each other in work?

Thorpey is so serious about avoiding public acknowledgement

of his relationship at work, that he employs an old espionage technique

known as The Dead Drop to share his lunch with Mary-Ann.

I like my cooking. I'm a big fan of cooking,

so often I bring food in

and we've got a little secret hidey-hole in the fridge...

..and I'll drop food in for her.

Fire her a little text

so that on her breaks, she knows where the food is and away to go.

I am quite a nice bloke, actually,

but I can't let this lot know that, can I?

That would undo all the work I've done over the last three years.

But Mary-Ann is less tight-lipped.

I'm not bothered that everyone knows about me and him.

Like, it doesn't concern me.

Who made this, then?

Rich made it.

-Did you help, did you help him?

-No.

And with Thorpey's birthday approaching,

Mary-Ann has spotted an opportunity to break cover

and bring their relationship out into the open.

It's the right time to, like, make a public gesture, cos we've been

together for a while, so, yeah, bring a cake,

like, get everyone celebrating.

He is actually a nice person.

I do want to congratulate him for being a good boyfriend.

Well, it's as expected, really, isn't it?

I've never planned anyone's birthday before.

I haven't even planned my birthday.

So if he doesn't like it, there's going to be an issue.

Hello, Dwayne. Your favourite girl here.

Mary-Ann. How are you, lovely?

Good. OK, basically I'm organising Rich's birthday.

Yeah.

-But you're coming, though.

-Yeah, I'm in.

-That's the main thing. High-five.

-I'll be there. All right?

-Yeah.

-Cool. See you later.

-See you.

Er, I don't think Thorpey likes surprises at all, in fairness,

and he's not really one that would like unnecessary surprises.

It's Kieran calling from Nationwide Energy.

INDISTINCT REPLY

It's been a few days

since the Vye brothers were involved in an incident at

Swansea City Football Stadium

and Nev has finally discovered the truth.

-How you doing?

-Chaps, how are we?

How are we?

We're all right, come on in. Park your backsides.

Further to our previous discussions on the matter, you know,

-where you did absolutely nothing and got thrown out of the stadium.

-Yeah.

-Just because they obviously didn't like you.

-Uh-huh.

-Yeah.

Um, I've spoken to the stadium.

The club's version of events were contrary to yours,

er, that you told somebody they were bleep bleep useless

at their job and why didn't they go and get a proper job

cos they're crap at this one. Those words ring any bells in truth?

None of it, no.

No, you don't recall those words. Right, OK.

I've got nine seats there and I like sharing them out, but, you know,

like, give them away. I never charge you, just give them away.

So, um,

it reflects badly on me

when you get thrown out.

You know, they don't know you particularly,

but they know me,

and so, er, it's me that ends up looking the dick-head.

We need to rectify it.

I can get HR involved or we can sort it out ourselves,

um, you know, just as long as you're prepared

to accept my disciplining and correctional methods.

We're not going to go painting schools or anything?

Painting schools, no, no, no, no.

I don't think any self-respecting school would let you near it with a paintbrush.

So we sort it out ourselves, yeah?

-Yeah.

-Yeah.

Right, go on, get your coffees, bugger off.

Thanks, Nev.

Second word is "off". Thanks, boys.

They're good lads, really, you know.

Their heart's in the right place

but they cocked up.

And not only had they cocked up

but they've gone and lied to me through their back teeth.

Better than HR to deal with it his way.

We chose his way. What that's going to be, we don't know yet.

I think I've got the solution sorted out.

I can't see nothing bad happening to us.

That's brilliant.

Now what I'm going to have to do now, Mr Davis, I'm going

to have to pass you to James and he's just going to confirm

that everything in my folder is correct, but good luck with

the installation and keep nice and dry with the bad weather coming.

Also awaiting her fate is the call centre's oldest new recruit.

60-year-old June is coming to the end of her three-month probation

period and will soon discover if she'll be taken on permanently.

I'm not like anybody that's 60. I still think I'm 18.

I still go night-clubbing with my daughter-in-laws,

which they find a bit hard to believe now at my age,

and I always seem to attract gay men.

-She's my favourite ever agent in this place.

-Everyone's favourite.

-The little cutie.

-She's my favourite.

-I know.

There's a little spark there or something,

cos you haven't had a romance for a while. Is there...?

There's a little spark there.

I like June and I think June's worked her arse off.

Yes, she has.

And it can sometimes be difficult for people who are maybe

-a little bit older than the average bear in the call centre.

-Yeah.

And she does it all with a smile on her face as well.

-Nothing seems to affect her.

-She's immense.

She is great.

There's nobody in the house on any benefit or credit?

'Mind your own business!

'When I want a new one I will see to it myself.'

Working in the call centre is June's first job

since she took time out to look after her sick husband.

Oh, cheeky cow.

Hello, good afternoon.

Well, because Phillip took early retirement from work

three years ago with ill-health.

I found, because I was at home, I was getting very depressed.

The first six months it was like a little holiday

but then, because I've always worked, I suppose

I missed the work environment and I missed the routine,

but to come back into this sort of environment again,

I had to teach myself again, but I enjoy going to work.

Sales Agents are expected to consistently pull in

15 leads a week, but despite a good start, June's sales figures

have taken a dive, bringing her to the attention of Nev's Rottweiler.

June's been...

To be fair to her, she's often been in amber, which, for someone

who is relatively new to the company is, you know, it's acceptable.

So she's gone amber, amber,

red, amber.

So she's there or thereabouts, and then recently, she's been red

and red, and this is the most recent one,

which is last week's figures, and they're red.

It seems as though June is treading a fine line at the moment,

and, really speaking, she really needs to pick her sales up.

To sniff out the root of her low sales, Thorpey collars June.

June, are you stealing sweets?

I save them up for the week.

-Can I have a little word with you?

-Time for a little chat?

Nothing, nothing.

'Every company should have a June. She's great.'

But if she's not selling, it's...

We're a sales company and you can't carry people.

If people aren't selling then sooner or later,

whether they're the nicest person in the world,

they're going to lose their job if they're not selling.

What's been happening with sales recently, June? You tell me.

Right, not last week, the week before, I did hit target.

-Last week I didn't, I was four short last week.

-Yeah.

Is there any reason that you...?

-I wasn't very good last week, my dog had died.

-Oh, yeah?

So, she'd been with me 13 years,

so, although you don't think about it, subconsciously you do.

Of course you do. I didn't know that, I didn't know that, June.

I lost a dog, my dog, I don't know, Smudge was about 16 when he died.

-I still think about him now. I feel bad now, June.

-Oh, no, don't, don't.

-You're doing your job.

-Right, so, we'll write that off as a blip.

-OK.

Don't worry about last week, just write it off. You'll be back. OK.

-All right?

-I do worry, though. That's the problem.

Don't worry. The worst thing you can do in this place is worry.

-Cheers, June.

-Thank you.

Now, I feel like a right knob. That's how I feel.

It's horrible when your dog dies.

And she was a bit bleary eyed there, nearly got me bloody going.

I feel sorry for her, you know, it's harsh.

No man is an island when he's got a dog.

Well, I'll tell you what, sir, have a lovely day,

I hope the survey's successful for you.

-'Have a nice day too, yeah?'

-Have a nice day. Cheerio.

The Vye brothers may have kept their jobs

after losing their boss's season tickets

but Nev's still fuming and has a penalty in mind.

I've got the very thing, which is, erm...

er, arse stocks.

They're going to have to poke their backsides through holes in a

plank of wood or in a sheet of wood while we kick footballs at them.

To realise his vision,

Nev enlists the help of artistic sales agent Jodie.

-What's happening?

-Hi, Jode, you all right?

-Yeah, you wanted me?

-You're a bit of an artist, I hear.

-I try.

-Yeah?

-Yeah.

Probably best if I showed you the stocks.

-What does stocks mean? What do you mean?

-Stocks, stocks is stocks.

-You know what stocks are?

-Nah.

You know when you put your hands and your head through the stocks

-and you...

-Ah, I know, yeah, yeah.

Yeah, right, well, this is butt stocks.

Oh, God.

Nev wants his butt stocks decorated with swans,

the mascot of Swansea City.

How big are these people's arses?

The holes are a little bit big.

-They are.

-But that gives us more opportunity to

-fire the ball straight through the hole.

-Right.

If they were little holes, it's not going to work.

So they're going to stand behind us with their bums sticking out.

I'll show you, right? You, you, you look, right?

Their backsides through there like that, right?

JODIE LAUGHS

No...

What I think would look best...

Feathers, you know, head, you know, that sort of thing.

Yeah, but wouldn't it be better...

-Feet...

-If you draw the, like, head,

and then buy in loads of feathers, and coming out...

Or do you want them drawn?

-That's really artistic.

-No? Yeah?

-Yeah!

-Yeah?

-They have been very naughty. OK?

-Yeah.

-Right.

I'll think of something. I'll come up with something.

You carry on, right? Bring your paints, carry on.

'I think the disciplinary that I've got planned for them,'

er, will sort them out.

They will remember this one for a long time.

I think I can safely say that.

Hello, morning! Sorted for half eight.

-Half eight?

-Yeah.

It's Friday morning, and Mary-Ann is rounding up a crowd

for Thorpey's surprise birthday party,

the first public acknowledgement of their relationship

in the Call Centre.

This is the cake, look, look.

Oh, wow, that looks good. Did you make that?

-Yeah, Maria made it.

-That's good, ain't it?

-Fabulous, ain't it?

-That's nice.

Birthday card, people! Need to sign the birthday card! Oh, my God!

I haven't got much time. I'm so unorganised.

I wrote a lovely message.

So there's my lips cos Rich loves my lips.

"To Rich on a special day.

"I wish you all the very best, all the joy you can ever have,

"and may you be blessed abundantly tomorrow and the days to come.

"Have a wonderful day. Love, Mary-Ann."

The shift is about to start but all the team leaders have assembled in

the breakout room, waiting for the birthday boy to arrive.

We have to put this sparkling thing on.

It takes about 30 seconds. Where's that...?

CHATTER

Is that a ginger cake, is it?

-LAUGHTER AND CHATTER

-Yeah!

CHATTER

-CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

-Surprise! Happy birthday!

Don't be so miserable!

Make a wish!

Make a wish. My first wish is that you go back on the phone.

Oh, shut up.

This is a surprise.

EVERYONE: Whoa!

You should be grateful!

Birthday kiss!

ALL CHEER AND CLAP Kiss! Kiss! Kiss! Kiss! Kiss! Kiss!

Mwah!

-Young love.

-Speech!

-Speech!

-Yeah, speech!

-Speech!

-Speech!

Can we all get back to work, please?

LAUGHTER

He's so ungrateful.

Never mind cake, let's get some sales(!)

Thorpey's party lasted just 69 seconds.

He's just showing off. He annoys me when he shows off.

It's so inappropriate.

He'll show his appreciation later.

He's not having anything.

With everyone back on the phones, Thorpey returns to claim his cake.

You're not having any of this cake.

-We made the cake for everyone.

-Hang on! It's not my cake.

It's my bloody birthday, it is my cake.

We made it for everyone. We have to share the cake.

It's not, it's for my birthday. It's my cake.

I made the surprise for you! Stop being so selfish.

It's my birthday. I can be selfish.

Right, get back on the bloody phone. Cheers, guys. Thank you.

Well, I'm never making you a surprise cos you're ungrateful.

-Just get back on the phone.

-Whatever. Shut up. Go away.

Cheers, guys.

That was about as horrendous as it could possibly be. Cheers.

-James, have you got a disciplinary now?

-Yeah, I have.

Disciplinaries, yeah? Back to the real work.

With their big moment over so quickly,

Mary-Ann has been left feeling frustrated.

He ruined it like he always ruins everything.

He wasn't grateful at all.

Like, I spent a lot of time, like, making this for him.

Why?

I don't know, because he's a prize idiot, that's why.

I thought we were going to cut the cake and everything.

What's this, Jodie?

I've got to draw swans on here for Nev.

-Why?

-He asked me to do it for him.

-Did you draw them?

-Yeah.

-What, you're really drawing them?

-Yeah.

-Did you?

-Yeah.

You did that all by yourself?

-Yeah.

-Did you?

-Yeah.

Really good, they are.

I didn't know Jodie was good at drawing.

She's surprised me.

Well, actually the only things I passed in school was art, RE...

What else did I pass?

Oh, Welsh, so I always thought that I was going to

teach Welsh people how to paint pictures of Jesus.

-Are these bird's feathers?

-Yeah, real feathers.

-Where did you get these from?

-A pillow.

-They're not real feathers, then, are they?

-They are.

-They're not from a bird.

-Duck feather and down.

They're from birds, aren't they?

What else are they going to be from? A cat?

-Haven't you got feather pillows in the house?

-No.

They're real feathers in a feather pillow, see.

Oh, that's hanging.

Right, so, let's attempt this. It's going to go everywhere, innit?

Shall I just chuck them on?

No, that didn't work.

Shit.

Back in work mode, Thorpey's next disciplinary is with Kieran Vye,

who's in trouble this time for giving leads to his mates.

Kieran Vye was, er, sent home, suspended yesterday,

er, following allegations which were raised by the quality department

that he has been sitting on deals and giving them to his mates

in order that they can make commission.

Agents sometimes pass off confirmed deals to colleagues to help them

meet sales targets, but it's one of the Call Centre's deadliest sins.

He knows it's wrong.

He'll plead all day that no-one's told me not to do it

but you go through life knowing that you shouldn't murder people,

but no-one sits you down in school and says,

"Whatever you do now, don't go and buy a gun

"and shoot someone in the head."

Thorpey's waiting to hear Kieran's side of the story.

The only trouble is he's nowhere to be seen.

I know he's got a dodgy hip

but he'd normally be in work at half past eight.

Kieran is one of life's, erm...

They call them in South Wales "butes."

He's a bit of a bute.

Which means he's a little bit special.

Finally Kieran arrives, 20 minutes late.

Glad to see you dressed for the occasion, Kieran.

What do you mean?

OK, Kieran...

-I want you to take this really seriously, OK?

-Yeah.

This disciplinary hearing could lead to your dismissal, OK, mate?

So I want you to be as honest as possible with me.

OK, so the allegations, erm,

for the disciplinary are that you have breached standard operating,

operating procedure by asking for all customer details and then

arranging call backs which are then passed to other employees,

ie, exchanging leads with other employees,

and that then enables them to meet their targets.

So, first up, do you understand what we mean by that?

-Yeah.

-So, there's loads of...

-People who do it.

-No, there's loads of information here in front of me

proving to me that you do it.

Your job is to close leads.

Your job is not to create leads and give them to other people.

-Yeah.

-So why have you been doing it?

-I don't know.

-You can't say to me, "I don't know why I was doing it."

-I don't know.

-Because I can't,

I can't make a decision then as to what we're going to do with you.

Maybe I was hung over on the day.

Maybe you were hung over on...

Are you seriously telling me that in a disciplinary?

Possibly. I can't remember when it was. Don't know what date it was.

You've given a lead to Ollie.

-Yeah.

-Right, so, why would you give that lead to Ollie?

-Help him out.

-Right, and what does that mean. Helping him out?

He has a smile on his face.

Are you being serious?

Yeah.

So you've given him a lead to make him smile?

-Keep him happy, ain't it?

-Why would he be happy?

Cos he's on form for target.

Oh, right, so we're getting somewhere now.

So he'll hit his target then.

-So he's going to hit his target?

-Possibly.

So he's going to get extra money off the back of work that you've done,

not work that he's done.

Ollie, if he hasn't hit target, would get nothing,

but if he hits target, on that deal that you give him,

he's going to make about 70 quid.

So you know it's wrong.

Just be honest with me, Kieran, it's much better if you're honest.

-Yeah, it's wrong but I don't see no difference.

-Right.

Is there anything else you want

to say to me in relation to this whole case?

It won't happen again.

Why won't you do it again?

Because I'll be sitting here with you and having a disciplinary,

possibly sacked.

OK, go and take a seat.

Kieran's Call Centre career is now hanging by a thread.

He turns up to a disciplinary in his tracksuit bottoms,

20 minutes late.

What can you do with someone like that?

I don't think there's any malicious intent in anything he does.

I think he's genuinely just trying to help his mates

because he doesn't really care about things, does he?

Swapping calls can be a sackable offence but as CEO, Nev has

the power to overrule any decisions by his managers.

You could see by Kieran wanting to look after his mates

and give them a couple of leads once he'd hit his target,

he's got a heart of gold, he thinks of others.

It does cost me money in commission but, erm,

it brings them together as a team, just because Kieran gives out

a couple of jobs to somebody else to help them.

It binds them together, you know,

a team that binds together, it's hard to beat.

I would miss it a bit, yeah.

It's two years of my life gone into this place now

and five, six days a week so I don't know what I'd do.

I'd probably go and work away somewhere.

-Kieran?

-Right.

This is gross misconduct, but it's all about intent and I actually

don't believe that you're really intending to do anything wrong.

If I'm being honest, I think you're just being stupid.

You will be being closely monitored by your team leader

and if there's anything like this that happens again,

the outcome won't be like this, are you clear on that?

-Yeah.

-Yeah?

Let's get straight back on the phone then, Kieran.

-All right.

-OK?

Can we stop the clapping, please?

He's a tough one, Kieran, isn't he?

He's like he's not got a harmless bone in his body.

So we'll give him the benefit of the doubt,

but if it happens again, he's sacked.

Now Kieran has been dealt with,

there's just one more employee problem for Thorpey to address.

-Mary-Ann?

-Go away.

She's a little bit upset because she didn't get the reaction

she wanted from me when I got my cake.

I suppose she was expecting me to be super grateful, which I am,

but that's the difference, ain't it? This is work for me.

I'll tell her how grateful I am

when I see her later on. But in front of all my work colleagues,

getting a bloody cake when I've got a disciplinary waiting for me,

you know, it's just...

I dunno, she's upset but she'll be fine.

After a cry in the toilets, Mary-Ann returns to her desk.

-What?

-Can I steal you for a minute?

For what?

Come on.

Time for Thorpey to get a disciplinary of his own.

Come on, be nice now.

Be nice?

Yeah.

And what, after your episode? It's not even funny.

You are ungrateful, simple, you are ungrateful.

It's not being ungrateful, is it?

Why were you showing off in front of everyone?

-I wasn't showing off.

-You were.

-It's work, ain't it?

-Blokes don't like these types of things.

-They do.

They don't, I don't.

Don't go... Don't laugh. It's not funny. Don't laugh.

-Why are you laughing?

-I am grateful.

It's not funny. I don't know why you keep laughing.

-I'm not.

-I don't find it funny.

All right, I'm laughing because I'm nervous, cos I kind of feel bad.

-Good.

-I'm sorry.

I'm sorry.

I'm not trying to embarrass you or anything, honestly.

Well...

Come on, don't be in a mood. OK?

Yeah.

Come on, then.

What, are you going to give the cake out now?

Well, yeah. And you slapped me.

You were showing off. You deserved, you deserved a slap.

I wouldn't have done it otherwise.

If you didn't deserve something I wouldn't have done it.

With his relationship now public knowledge,

Thorpey can no longer have his cake and eat it.

Spread the word, I don't mind people knowing.

I think it's cute.

I'm glad it's out in the open

cos we always knew there was something going on

but we didn't know whether... I didn't know

whether he was just banging her and that was it,

if you know what I mean. So like, you know, friend with benefits

kind of thing. But, erm, so that's why I didn't ever want to

talk about it openly because I just thought that was their own private

love thing but now obviously I think it's open that they're together.

-Thank you very much.

-Dan?

They wanted to keep it all hush-hush but, erm,

obviously if he's in the doghouse, I mean, everybody knows anyway.

You know this top-secret secret, I think everybody knows.

-39, in case he was asking.

-What?

39, my age.

Bollocks. What's your national insurance number start with?

Er, N...

-Ooh!

-Is that bad?

NZ?

NS.

-NS?

-Yeah.

-1969?

-'70. It's only a number anyway, ain't it?

If... Yeah, you know, obviously it's not the age, it's

the mileage, isn't it, you know? And, obviously, I'm young and fit.

There's a lot of mileage in you, though?

There's a hell of a lot of mileage, OK, let's be fair,

it is a lot of mileage, yeah, and yours is ginger mileage.

There's nothing wrong with ginger mileage, don't worry about that.

-Ginger mileage.

-Ginger power, it says.

-OK.

-Cheers, Nev.

Now it's official, it's open season on Thorpey's personal life.

Is it actually Facebook official and everything now?

Facebook? What's Facebook?

Facebook official and that?

-Are you on Facebook, Thorpey?

-Yeah, I'm on Facebook but...

Because I thought it was a secret.

Now all this card and everyone's

starting to full-on know. Yeah, everyone knew you had

a thing but now it's like, "Oh, boyfriend, girlfriend."

Yeah, but I'm 44, it's not like boyfriend/girlfriend

and you put it on Facebook - "I am now in a relationship."

Yeah, I know, I know, but...

All right, is she your missus?

Has she met your mam?

-Yes.

-Oh!

-It is official! Obviously, if she's met your mother.

Have you met her side of the family?

-No, they live in Sierra Leone.

-What's the word when you hit a certain...?

The midlife crisis, we don't want to hit that midlife crisis mark.

You already hit that when you turn 30.

Do you?

That's what they say, innit?

I think he's hitting it now by going for younger birds.

A sex machine.

THEY GIGGLE

Thorpey may have lost face, but June faces losing her job.

She's reached the end of her probation period

and is about to discover if she'll be made permanent.

June, can I grab you for the probation review? Yeah?

-How are you getting on?

-All right.

-All right?

-How quickly has that gone?

-It's gone really quick.

-I didn't realise it'd been that long.

-Yeah.

-It's flown by.

-Exactly.

What's your thoughts, what's your feedback on it?

I have enjoyed it.

It's been nice to come back to work cos I was at home for two years

-cos Philip had to take early retirement with ill health.

-Yep.

Took me a little while to get back into it,

-but everybody here has been so helpful and kind.

-Yep.

June, it's a simple answer.

It really is.

Looking at everything here, from sales, attendance, attitude,

there's only one outcome to this probation review and that's a pass.

Everybody loves you in this place.

-All right, so...

-Thank you.

-..really proud of you.

-Can I have a hug now?

-You can have a hug if you want one. Yeah?

Come on here, you!

There?

-Well done.

-Thank you.

-All right, keep it up. All right?

Are you crying cos you're happy?

Ah, bless you!

Oh, Juney, we knew you'd be all right!

-I passed.

-Oh, good.

Oh, ecstatic, I couldn't believe it.

I thought he was pulling my leg.

-Passed.

-Yay!

It means a lot now to know that they have accepted me

in the company and that the hard work

that I've done in the last three months hasn't gone unnoticed.

That they're proud of what I've achieved.

Are you ready, Thorpey? Shall we take the whole floor upstairs?

For brothers Kieron and Simon,

it's time to pay the price for misbehaving at the Swansea game.

Hurry up! I'm interrupting your meetings. Mike!

I'm interrupting your meetings. Everybody up the top floor.

The boys have already apologised to the stewards and have agreed

to Nev's unique style of punishment instead of an official disciplinary.

As we know, Kieron and Simon were very naughty boys.

When I gave them the tickets to go watch Swans versus Newcastle,

they managed to get evicted after 20 minutes.

Seeing as they were outside of work,

I need a punishment that is worthy of the crime.

So you've got the butt stocks. LAUGHTER

So they poke their arses through those holes

and we kick footballs at them.

Is that fair? That's fair, innit? That's fair.

Boys, you might as well just get in there.

Bite the bullet and just go in there.

Just turn round and stick your arses through.

Go on, then.

-Argh!

-THEY CHEER

Who's next?

Phil.

He couldn't score in a brothel. Here he goes.

Watch out.

ALL: Oh!

Argh!

LAUGHTER

-Who is it, Nev?

-Nev.

-No!

Argh!

Now that was left foot!

-Finally, Nev gives the brothers a chance to even the score.

-Go on.

-Game over?

-Go on.

Oh, Nev's turn.

Hold on.

Who's in here with me? Thorpey?

Smash it!

ALL: Ooh!

Shall I have a go?

-Ready?

-Yep.

ALL SHOUT: Oh!

NEV: Well done!

Good game, boys, well done.

Well done.

LAUGHTER

Well, I escaped, anyway.

Go do some work. Go on!

I think that was a good laugh.

I think they took their punishment like men.

It's not really punishment. It's a bit of banter, really.

Everyone took it as a laugh, me and my brother took it on the chin.

He had his tickets taken off him,

so payback.

I think it'll improve their behaviour.

Little bit of butt stocks - always good for sales.

OK, bye.

..Nev gets his house in order...

Some of them will be good, some of them will be just brain farts.

Get out!

..Hayley's got her eye on rising to the top...

I'm just scared that I might start off and forget words

or he might just ask me a question and I'll be like, "Er..."

..and there's only one winner

when the rulebook gets thrown at the rebel.

If you don't like the answers...

It's not so much I don't like them. It's just they're mental.

# Every loser wins... #

Hi, Mrs Hunter?