Episode 3 Normal for Norfolk

This programme contains some strong language.

I've just seen a car hit a pheasant. Fluttered into the side.

I think it was just here.

Oh, my God, there it is.

There it is. Look.

A bit of roadkill, nothing like it.

Quick. Oh, beauty.

-Ooh, lovely.

-Um...

-In the back.

-Can you...? Is that legal?

-Shush... Quick, quick!

Quick!

There are people who live on roadkill.

-Are you one of them?

-No.

Come on, Ted.

Do you want it?

Good boy!

Wiveton Hall Farm on the North Norfolk coast.

Home to gentleman farmer..

SQUAWK

..Desmond McCarthy.

He's the one that's been keeping my mother awake.

For weeks.

Desmond's lived here all his life, with his mother, Chloe,

now 101 years old.

My mother's lived so long because she's never drunk milk.

I like cream! You know?

What are your other tricks?

When they're not at university,

he's joined by his children -

Isabel

and Edmund.

-Does Granny pay rent?

-She does pay rent.

Bastard.

SHE SNORTS

Oh! Oh, my God!

Last year, Desmond kept the wolf from the door

by the seat of his tweed pants...

Do I have a lot of cash around? No.

Other people's cash, yes. Mostly the bank's.

..earning just enough money from his 250-acre farm,

cafe and holiday cottages

to maintain a country way of life

and preserve the hall for generations to come.

Perhaps this is where the nostrils came from.

Thank goodness the double chin has been bred out.

-Has it?

-Yes.

SHE LAUGHS

As autumn draws on,

Desmond is faced with matters of life and death.

Oh, lovely!

They have rather a good life,

then they do end up bacon.

-Come on!

-I'm the Grim Reaper, aren't I?

-Yes. Thank you.

But he's determined to celebrate his 60th birthday...

Oh, my God!

..in style.

Welcome to the swinging '60s.

CHEERING

It's terribly important to have a good time.

October has arrived at Wiveton

and Desmond is checking his fields.

The rape crop provides a welcome boost to his income over the winter.

But pigeons are eating the tender new shoots.

I mean, this year, we had really quite a disaster with our rape crop.

They absolutely decimated.

Oh, God! Financially, the pigeons, I mean,

they come across from the continent.

Like, not as bad as locusts, but almost.

Oh, my God.

We didn't keep the pigeons off as well as we should have done

last year, so instead of £20,000

off a 30-acre piece of land, we harvested,

I think, about £8,000 or £9,000 worth.

So, big loss.

That is bad news. A small group like that will be

four times the size and... they attract others.

Oi, oi, oi, oi, oi, oi, oi!

Oi!

HE CLAPS

It's quite an effort getting rid of these pigeons.

They'll just keep pecking at it.

Well, we've got to build a hide and lie in wait.

Probably tomorrow morning.

Desmond will turn 60 this month,

and he plans to mark the event with a party.

The older you get, the most extra...

It's horrifying how fast time goes.

Especially if you're someone as easily distracted as I am.

But it's terribly important to have a good time.

Doesn't it look nice in here?

Look at that.

That's your...

Clever. That's so nice.

His birthday is a milestone that prompts thoughts of his father.

Look, I've just had this picture done.

Not had it done, but I... It's quite interesting.

I had a tiny photograph.

You know, you find a little photograph in a drawer.

If you've never... And I found this tiny photograph,

and I've had it blown up.

It's slightly out of focus, and there I am with my father,

still wearing corduroys and lace-up shoes!

There we were in Ventnor.

We stayed in a little hotel and then after,

before breakfast, I would go down onto the beach and dig,

dig furiously and there was soft, very soft stuff,

and it was like porridge.

Dig, dig, dig! And it'd fill in again.

I just loved... That was Father. That's him. Full of glee!

Are you thinking about your father a lot at the moment?

Well, it reminded me of him, seeing this picture.

And I joke that I've got arrested development.

But, erm...

..certainly haven't changed my outfit much.

Anyway...

Desmond's father was especially proud of Wiveton Hall's

fine walled garden.

It grows fruit, vegetables,

flowers

and holds powerful memories for Desmond.

Now, this bit of wall fell down, blown down in a gale.

And my father started patching it up, you know,

just a little bit at a time.

And, erm... Which he rather enjoyed doing.

And then he died when he got to about those bricks.

Doctor came rushing.

No, it was pretty peculiar.

Pretty peculiar, but luckily I...

I brushed it under the carpet and went to play with my friends

the next day.

That was the best way of dealing with it.

-How old was your dad when he died?

-I think he was about 63.

So I'm getting quite close.

I was about, erm, 15 or 16.

So too young, really.

Just when he was about to be useful,

he died.

And then, erm...

..it was my sister and my mother and me

on our own in the freezing mansion.

Alone. There we are.

Keeping the wall intact is now one of the many jobs

for Desmond's builder, Rodney.

How wonderful.

Well done.

-That's going to last 200 years.

-Yes.

He's so skilled, he can do so much -

carpentry, plastering, bricklaying.

These walls.

He was doing so well trained.

-How long do you want to live for?

-As long as possible, but...

-Do you?

-Yes. As we all do, I expect.

Well, I don't necessarily

want to be quite as old as some.

-No. No.

-You can't...

Anyway...

On a farm, you're more aware of matters of life and death.

Before his pigs go to slaughter, Desmond's put them to work,

clearing land on the edge of the marsh.

Look how happy they are.

They're eating these roots.

PIG SNORTS

Oh, lovely.

Mm, mm.

That's the loin.

Obviously, that's the ham.

That's the collar,

shoulder, belly.

And the vast chap there, the cheek.

Having reached a good weight,

his pigs will soon be off to the abattoir.

Before they go, Desmond's decided to clear out

the rest of the undergrowth with a bonfire.

-Everyone loves a bonfire.

-Everyone loves a bonfire, don't they?

He's invited along his girlfriend, Harriet.

It's really lovely stuff.

-The pigs are looking well, aren't they?

-OK.

Like Desmond, Harriet also grew up in Norfolk.

They've now been together for two years.

Stand back.

Loved bonfires.

And the addiction's got worse.

HE STRAINS

Oh...

Oh...

A few more branches, please.

Keep as many branches on as you can.

OK.

Off here, Harriet.

Look.

CRACK

-Oh! Jesus!

-Oh...

-Are you all right?

-Yeah, yeah. Yeah. Going round behind you.

DESMOND GROANS

Harriet, can you remember where you first met Desmond?

Yes. I met him at a party in London.

Yes, I mean, he occasionally goes up...

-To London.

-..to London.

-Is spotted.

Occasionally spotted in the Smoke.

And did he stand out?

SHE GIGGLES

We discovered...

-Our mutual love of Norfolk...

-Yes.

-..is what drew us together.

-Yes.

Ooh!

I mean, clearly, her beauty.

Transcendent beauty.

Yah.

Have people commented on a difference in age

between the pair of you?

SHE LAUGHS

-Within...

-As Joan Collins says...

What was it? It was about Percy,

her husband, who was 20 years younger than her.

-"If he dies, he dies."

-Yeah!

-THEY CHUCKLE

-You think that's good?

-That was very good.

Oh, I love it. Isn't it lovely out here?

The duck calling, the geese. Listen...

WILDFOWL SQUAWK

-Ah, fuck!

-What?

I got this electric shock.

Oh, my God.

Oh, my God.

We're going to be driven back into the ditch

-and forced to swim for our lives.

-OK.

Oh, my God.

Come on, Teddy. Come on, Teddy.

We're going to see what the pigeon situation is.

Until I get someone else to do it,

I have got to, erm...

go out and just fire a few shots, anyway.

Pigeons are still ruining Desmond's rape field.

It's a harsh reality, but they must be moved on or, preferably, culled

if the crop is to make him any money.

There are a few pigeons there.

Just starting, yes.

Look.

Over on the hill.

Gathering. Well, I'm going to fire a shot.

I'm just trying to frighten them.

-Two flying over there.

-GUNSHOT

They're getting up.

Scaring them off with a gunshot is just a temporary fix.

Desmond wants to reduce their numbers permanently.

When you're pitting your wits against creatures,

you have to keep your head down, use a bit of fieldcraft,

get inside their minds.

Stay still.

You have to be camouflaged and...

and patient.

That's something I'm often...is often a bit absent with me.

-HE WHISPERS

-It's too far. A bit too far.

Stay still, Roly. Sit! Roly, come in here!

Roly! Roly!

Come in here! Roly!

Roly, come in here!

Come in!

Here! Here!

Please, don't jump up. Look...

Stay there. Stay.

ROLY WHINES

Oh, please, don't whine.

Oh, my God.

Stay down. Stay. Please, sit.

Oh, fantastic shot.

Roly, here!

Well, we've done the right thing in one respect, but...

Come on, good boy!

HE BLOWS DOG WHISTLE

Roly! Come on, here!

HE BLOWS THE WHISTLE

Roly, come here! Come on!

Come on! Come on, here! Roly, come here!

Here. Good boy!

Here. Dead, dead.

Good boy.

Well done. Took a long time to get back, didn't you?

Well done.

That's a young pigeon, young pigeon, foolish pigeon.

Didn't know what I was... Didn't see me.

Well, I mean, the highlight was that incredible...

my prowess with the weapon.

A rare occurrence. That's put me in a good mood.

Well, I've got other things to do.

I won't leave it with the dog.

He's sure to eat it.

What will you do with the bird?

Oh, it'll get plucked and eaten.

Now, where's Teddy?

Teddy!

Come on.

Up. Go on, hup.

Go on, hup!

Go on, hup, hup!

Desmond's looming 60th birthday has prompted an air of nostalgia

at Wiveton.

There is my mother's father, look.

There's Dick.

A very tidy moustache.

-Do you see?

-Yes.

The oldest McCarthy family member is Chloe,

at 101 years old.

She's lived and breathed Norfolk countryside for over 70 years.

Here you are wearing... Oh, my God, looking like

you're working in a prison camp.

Rather grim.

That's me.

It is you.

Here are your opera glasses.

-Aren't they nice?

-Very nice.

-Can I have a go with them?

-Yes.

They've got lilies of the valley on them.

Haven't been used for years.

Well, they won't be very good for bird-watching.

We can use them in the cafe to look across, look at people.

Oh, they're good!

His mother's opera glasses have given Desmond an idea.

-It's coming up to be my birthday.

-Yes.

Quite a big one.

I'd quite like a pair of binoculars.

A new pair. I've got these, which are quite poor.

Would you like to get involved in that?

-Yes.

-Marvellous.

As I'm getting older, you have less of a thirst to kill things,

-but more of a desire just to look at them and wonder.

-Yes.

Desmond doesn't waste a moment...

You get in now.

..driving his mother straight to Norfolk's finest binocular shop.

I'm hoping to persuade my mother

to buy me some binoculars.

Good. Now, you want to improve on what you've got there?

Well, I think things have probably got better.

You feel there's almost too much choice.

-These have got rubber eye cups.

-Yes.

-Pretty good.

-You can take it out further

and get more of an expanse.

Fantastic.

They're very sharp.

Lovely cornflowers in there.

-Very good.

-Would you like a chair?

No.

-There we are.

-There.

-Oh, that's nice.

Thank you. Well, these are good.

Well, let's see something else.

-OK.

-These are new, are they?

Yes.

And the price of those is 1,799.

Mm, £1,800.

Well, they're fantastic.

-They ought to be. They ought to be!

-Aren't they beautiful?

The grass and the...

and the weeds...waving.

If you buy something like this,

it's a lot of money and it's going to have to last you a lifetime.

-No, they're beautiful, beautiful.

-They are, yeah.

Knowing the health of the family finances,

Desmond switches his attention to the second-hand selection.

With binoculars, you don't want them too heavy.

You've got to think of advancing age.

Oh, yes, it's happening all the time.

I don't sometimes like to say that, but...

-No.

-..it's inevitable.

No, you're quite right, but these are fantastic

without even adjusting the... I haven't had to adjust anything.

You haven't, no. But the majority of people that trade in,

they trade in for a lighter model.

-Yes.

-Because they're getting older.

Well, OK, well, I think I've got a bit more vigour.

Oh, yes, absolutely.

But they'd be very good.

-They would be, yeah.

-And a very good price.

Yes. Well, and a very good make.

These are second-hand.

-Nearly £400.

-Yes.

-We might ask for a discount as well.

-HE WHISPERS

-Try and see if we can get a little something off them.

Dawn on the pigeon-ravaged rape field.

Desmond's arrived to set up a new deterrent,

borrowed from a neighbouring farmer.

So, this is a new, modern gas gun.

Makes a hell of a bang.

And hopefully doesn't annoy the neighbours too much.

It's marvellously light. You've got a handle on it, like a suitcase.

The bird scarer is programmed to do a double bang every 15 minutes

throughout the day.

All right, if we turn the gas on, and then...

..flick this, lift the solar panel up,

because that will recharge your battery.

If you hold this one.

Which one are we going for? Double blast?

It fires compressed air,

so no pigeons will die,

but hopefully they will be put off their food.

Your lights are flashing. Oh, here we go, something's going to happen.

Bloody hell.

-LOUD BANG

-Oh! Blimey!

-It should go again.

-That's good.

-LOUD BANG

-Oh!

-There we go.

-Roly! Come here! Oh!

-LAUGHTER

He thinks we've shot a pheasant.

Or we've shot a pigeon!

Roly, come here!

Oh, no. I've got no whistle.

Look at them both.

A good way to exercise them.

That is, yeah!

That was... That was quite serious, that.

The second one's worse than the first.

Yes, but the dog running in.

He knows what a shot produces.

-He thinks you've landed a pigeon.

-Slightly humiliating.

Teddy's back first. Come on.

Get in the back, go on!

In the back.

Now, stay there.

LOUD BANG

Back at the hall, there's a flurry of activity.

That's enough.

Preparations are underway for tonight's celebrations.

-How short are you going? Quite short?

-Quite short.

It's Desmond's 60th birthday dinner party,

and he has invited 40 friends to come and have supper.

Here for the moment.

Isabel's coming,

back from art school, so that's very exciting.

Well, I'm having a few friends round.

I think, with my mother...

..about 40 people are coming.

16,

17,

18, 19, 20, 21.

Oh, my God, we're going to need much more.

Those are awful chairs, but never mind. Have to have them.

Shall we get another table?

There's another one round the back.

You know, it's his 60th birthday, it's quite a big deal, so...

With all his birthday celebrations, this time, and parties,

this time of year, Desmond likes to have cockerel korma.

We're having cockerel korma.

Hopefully lots of poppadoms, so that will be delicious.

A slightly light curry, you know.

Korma's a bit...

..girly, isn't it?

But it's nice, very good. I like it. So cockerel korma,

with a bit of pheasant in it.

First pheasant, it's early October, but we did get two the other day,

and a partridge.

Not everyone's taste.

Occasionally it does go on the menu,

but it doesn't always sell that well.

You're much more experienced at party planning than I am.

-Yeah.

-Do we have drinks in the hall, do you think?

And then come through?

Drinks and the taramasalata?

In the hall? Yes, cos there's not much room in here.

-I think that's a good idea.

-And then they come through

and it's a nice surprise.

Harriet's been marvellous, she's done all these flowers.

Look how pretty it looks.

Overseen the table...

And, oh, she was going to make some dahl.

I think she may have forgotten about that.

Oh...

It's a very well-oiled machine,

the party machine, around here.

It's off the internet,

and it is red lentil and spinach dahl.

Terrible dirty glasses.

I mean, these glasses have been in the washing machine

and been put back carelessly.

Dirty. Not how it should be.

No-one's fault particularly but, you know.

Standards.

Farm business doesn't stop for special occasions.

Desmond and stockman John must load up the pigs for their final journey.

Mind your heads, little'uns!

Mind your head, oi!

Come on.

Come on.

Good as gold.

Come on, come on.

Come on, come on.

-OINK

-Bugger!

-Come on!

Well, it's always sad, they've got a lot more rooting to do,

that they could have done, but if we'd kept them any longer,

they'd have put on an awful lot of fat.

-Yeah, they would have been too fat.

-I like a bit of fat, but...

So we...

And they're lovely. We're friends now.

That's why he sends me to do it.

-So, erm...

-I'm the Grim Reaper, aren't I?

-Yes.

-Thank you.

Come on!

Come on!

The pigs will provide Desmond with over 100 kilos of pork,

sausages and ham, much of which will end up in the farm cafe.

I'll let him out of the side door.

It's a novel trick!

We're taking Desmond, as well!

Show what it's like.

It a horrid, horrid thought, isn't it?

You mustn't think about it.

-No.

-You mustn't think about it. That's the best way.

They've cleaned up that bit of ground.

They've had a lovely life and, erm...

Look, there they go.

They don't really know what's going on.

But still, never mind...

CORK POPS

Hello!

Has anyone arrived?

Welcome to the swinging '60s!

Jane! How lovely to see you!

-Well done!

-Lovely to see you.

-How's everything?

-Yeah, we've got the champagne.

How are you?

Nice to see you.

Well done, very nice you're here.

Oh! Oh...!

Oh, my God!

It's from the three of us.

Oh, my God!

This is quality.

From the Kashmir area.

Oh, my God!

That is smart.

Oh, my God, and we're in winter.

Oh, my good... Now, are they...?

Edible, apparently.

Because you don't have enough raspberries,

I thought I'd give you some chocolate-covered raspberries.

-Oh, my God.

-They are amazing.

-I'm going to try one.

Shooting stockings.

Oh, aren't they nice? From lovely Annabelle.

Aren't they lovely? Look at that, mixed fibres.

Fantastic.

Oh, look, Isabel.

-How are you?

-No so good.

Come and have a drink.

Shall we, what they call, come through?

Do you want these on the table?

Oh, yes! Well, they'll rather look...

It'll be nice to come in, be brought into the table.

OK.

Go through and get food.

And then sit down where you want.

Well done!

It's a very, very lovely evening to be here with Desmond,

on his 60th birthday.

He is someone who has done a lot in his life.

I can't hope to cover it all but, just to say, you're a good man,

you're very, very generous, well thought of.

-Thank you.

-A legend in his own lifetime.

-Thank you, Andrew.

-And cheers! To his 60th birthday!

-Hear, hear!

-60th birthday, yeah!

Thank you very much, Andrew.

Happy birthday, Des.

Age is a tiresome thing.

It makes you feel neurotic and fear the worst.

So we've just got to keep going and try not to eat too much.

Next time...

Come up this end.

THEY SCREAM

After a marketing push,

Desmond's ambition to attract paying guests from around the world

is realised.

I'm always saying we must get foreign people.

-Yes, and they're either...

-Chinese!

-Or Japanese, I'm not sure.

And interest from an interiors magazine

prompts a major tidy-up at the hall.

Oh, my God. We must cover that awful chair!

I can't bear it.

Shabby chic was invented for this house.