Episode 2 Dead Good Job

Funeral directors help us bury our loved ones.

One day they'll do the same for us.

All the family memories, all the pictures of wedding days. It's so sad.

Death is a certainty but there are many ways to say the final goodbye.

It's not a proper biker's funeral unless it's freezing and raining! But he's dry.

Anything legal. We aren't here to be the bastions of good taste.

We go behind the scenes of Britain's funeral parlours and watch funeral directors at work.

We reveal how the modern funeral is changing and compare the end of life rituals of different faiths.

They do it over the phone, just like ordering a pizza.

I've got five ashes on behalf of families to disperse.

Religious tradition still matters, but so does personal choice.

-We will call you when we do the communal prayer.

-I want to see him.

-It's Islam rules.

When there's conflict, funeral directors can get caught in the middle.

We have to wait here. I'm not happy.

-With only one chance to get it right.

-If you do it right, they're your friends for life.

Do it wrong, they won't forget you.

That's why I'm a funeral director.

Britain is becoming less religious, but two out of three people still want a spiritual send-off.

But when the bereaved have lost contact with their faith,

organising a funeral can be a bewildering experience.

Haji Taslim are a Muslim funeral company in East London.

Ah! Look who it isn't. How late are you at 20 to 11?

Owners Gulam Taslim and his daughter Moona arrange up to 10 funerals a day

for a wide range of Muslim customers.

We deal with all sorts of Muslims, orthodox and very liberal.

And we try to deal with each case individually.

We're not fanatics. We are British, after all.

And we understand quite a few people are Anglified. They want things not as in the Middle East or Asia,

but in England. And we supply that.

-Asam Sheik Chan...

-A call has come in from a local family.

-A 70-year-old man has been knocked down.

-We'll send a private ambulance to pick up Asam

and we'll bring him back here. Then the brothers here will give him his Islamic washing.

-They'll wash him and...

-His daughter has contacted Moona for some expert advice.

Listen, darling, any of this can be changed.

All right then, Faridah. I'll speak to you soon. No problem.

Bye.

Haji Taslim Funeral Service.

She's like, "I don't know anything about the religion. I was born a Muslim, but don't know about it."

So she wants someone to hold her hand through it. It's slightly different because she's not sure,

but very trusting of what I said. "Whatever you say is fine with me."

She hasn't even looked at it, but, "You said it's good. Do that."

Here, have your tea.

At the Sheik Chan's family home, Faridah is comforting her mother.

On Monday

my dad went out to get some chips

and, unfortunately, he was struck by a van. I just can't believe how he's just gone.

Feeling a bit nervous, are you?

Faridah always knew her father wanted a Muslim burial, but she no longer practises the faith

and she's feeling out of her depth.

You just don't know where to turn, what to do, how to deal with it.

I've never had to bury anybody before, thank God.

I was brought up in the Muslim faith, but I'm not a practising Muslim

and I just want to make sure, you know, that the Man... I call him the Man Upstairs!

That's how I describe God.

You know, if I have done anything wrong that He forgives me because I don't know it all.

I want somebody to say, "Faridah, it needs to be done this way."

Over half a million people in the UK follow the Hindu religion.

Hindus believe in cremation. Their funeral rites aren't straightforward,

but families who need help with the various rituals can turn to a specialist undertaker.

These are funerals I've done previously. We need to bring the ashes in storage.

Chandu Tailor has been organising Hindu funerals for 20 years.

We have a full fridge today.

Sorry, I've not got tracking myself, but could you track my coffin?

'When a Hindu family is bereaved, it feels like the sky has fallen in.

'Hindu funerals are quite complicated, ritually.

'Most families need support,'

so instead of the Hindu family guiding the funeral director,

it's my job to guide them through the whole thing.

Hindu funeral rituals help the soul on its journey to the next life.

For Chandu, getting everything right is a big responsibility.

The first job is washing the body.

Because we are going to pray to the body, the body should be cleansed and ritually washed.

If you went in a temple and did prayers, all the deities have been washed and dressed

so the body must be cleansed in that manner.

Hindus believe that after death the soul leaves the body.

It passes over to the spiritual world or it's reincarnated in another earthly body,

but this separation of body and soul doesn't happen immediately.

We believe that, at the moment, the soul of this gentleman is travelling around him.

We believe that it is watching us and hearing us.

I think the soul is lost in kind of no man's land.

It's lived in a body for as long as it has lived

and now the rituals are giving... the rituals are done in order to give the soul a message

that this body is going to be no longer for it to return back to.

Preparations for Asam Sheik Chan's Muslim funeral are underway.

Muslims want to be buried as quickly as possible after death

so the soul can make a fast journey to eternal peace.

They're going to give you something called an interim death certificate.

The funeral usually begins in the mosque, but the family want prayers to be said at home.

If you come to the mosque, prayers are done in Arabic, it can be done quickly and be confusing.

Before you know it, the funeral service is done and they feel they haven't been a part or understood it

and that I don't think would be very fair.

Hi, you wanted to speak to me.

It's births, deaths and marriages. You always turn to religion.

She felt it was important because it's what her dad would have wanted. And her mum.

You get that a lot.

The Sheik Chan family are originally from Mauritius

and this is the first funeral they've arranged in Britain. There's a lot to learn in a short time.

'I'm dealing with my father dying, obviously, and I'm having to deal with the English laws

'of post mortems and things like that. There's so many things to sort out'

and then the biggest thing of all is the Muslim funeral.

That's the biggest thing, making sure that's all done properly.

And by the Koran. So, yeah.

Tomorrow this is where the room that the men will be in to do the prayers.

All the furniture has been moved over to this side

and then all the mats will be laid on the floor here, prayer mats.

'When I was growing up as a child, my brother and I were sent to an Arabic school

'and learned to read the Koran.'

I stopped when I was about 16 and, you know, if you don't practise it, you start to forget.

For Faridah, a non-practising Muslim with a liberal outlook,

parts of the ceremony will be challenging.

I was told

not to...cry too much, especially when...

It can't be helped if I do cry, but females are not supposed to cry too much

because it will be dragging my father's soul down. I've got to have my organisation head on,

rather than have my emotional head on. The main thing is I've got to be supportive for my mum.

Cos if I break down, I don't know how she's going to be.

So I've got to be strong for her.

Chandu Tailor speaking. Is all in order? Lovely jubbly.

Chandu Tailor is arranging the funeral of an elderly Hindu man.

Before he visits the family, there's an important job to do.

He's putting together a kit bag of Hindu ritual items to make things easier for the bereaved.

'These items are not something that anybody has in their house.'

And instead of the family going out and buying all these things,

it's part of our package that we provide it to save them shopping for half a day.

They'll be placed around the body during funeral prayers, in preparation for cremation.

In here we have chanting beads and a piece of sandalwood.

Sandalwood used to stop the smell of burning flesh.

Chandu stocks another key item.

Water from the sacred River Ganges, bottled and shipped over from India.

Ganges water is the holy water equivalent to the Christians.

It's normally put in the mouth of the person who has passed away.

You know, not a lot goes in, obviously. A few drops are put in their mouth.

Fresh food to feed the soul will be supplied by the family.

They provide four coconuts, whole coconuts with water in them.

It has got food and water, both combined in it.

That will assist in the final journey of the body to be going on.

-The journey where...?

-The journey to the next life.

-Is that a long journey?

-Well, that's something I don't know.

That's something I cannot answer.

I wish I had an answer for that one, but my journey finishes at the crematorium

and that's as far as I'm going to take that.

Tomorrow's Hindu funeral is for 82-year-old Manubhai Patel, who owned a local Indian sweet shop.

His grandson Ash is looking after the business.

We are where we are because of my grandfather.

If it wasn't for him, we wouldn't have what we've got.

He used to take me to nursery, take me on shopping trips.

He's done everything. He even bought me my first trainers.

It's Ash's first experience of a funeral for a close relative. There's a lot to take in.

When my grandfather actually passed away,

we didn't know what was happening next. You know, you have to wait for the death certificate,

then we had to phone Chandu Tailor.

Without them, we'd be completely lost.

Chandu is on his way to the Patel family home where tomorrow's funeral will begin.

When a person has lived in a house for their life,

the soul gets attached to the house as well.

So I believe that the rituals are done in the house

in order to give the soul a message to now move on.

Visiting the house gives him a chance to check out the lay of the land.

We need to make sure that we can bring the coffin in.

There's nothing worse than turning up and the coffin doesn't go in, or something critical like that.

So that's the reason why we always go to the house to make the arrangements.

That was his place.

Inside, the extended family have gathered.

Chandu hands over the bag of ritual items and goes through the final arrangements.

He's already resting in my place.

Limousine, chauffeur-driven to the crematorium.

Performing the traditional Hindu funeral rites is a priority for the family,

but they also want to add a personal touch.

We decided to get the horse and carriage, mainly because of his love for animals.

No matter, he would come into the house, he would always have the Discovery Channel on

and his animal programmes about wildlife and things.

So we made the phone call to Chandu and said, "Can we upgrade it to two white horses for him?"

Tomorrow, a horse-drawn carriage will carry Ash's grandfather to the crematorium.

Many undertakers are born into a family firm, but Damian Melville came into the trade by chance.

You all right?

I see you're busy!

I started working in the industry because it was convenient, but I ended up liking it

and then I decided this is where I wanted to be for the rest of my days as such.

With a background in customer services, Damian's more events manager than ritual expert.

His focus is the smooth running of the day.

Would you please stand?

ORGAN PLAYS SOLEMNLY

My role is literally just keeping an eye on everything. I've reorganised the cars. We'd caused a roadblock.

To the normal local residents' dismay, but that's life, innit? They'll have to wait a little bit.

-You know it's illegal?

-Most of Damian's funerals are Christian.

He leaves the religious bits to the church.

# Allelujah A-a-llelujah... #

If I'm honest, I don't really do church. It's not really my thing.

I'll go out of respect for certain people, but church doesn't really do anything for me.

That's just my personal opinion.

Seeing a gap in the market, he started his very own first-generation business.

So...it's freezing in here.

This is where I will store my... where my guests will stay when they are here with me.

I know there's lots of different religious beliefs about the spirit leaving the soul,

but as far as I'm concerned that is still your wife or uncle,

niece, nephew, what have you.

And I will treat them as if they are still that person.

Today Damian is organising a funeral for the wife of Arnold Moses.

Myrtle died at the age of 81, following a long illness.

-Er...and Myrtle's last occupation? She was a retired...

-Traffic warden.

Traffic warden. Did that mean you could park wherever you wanted?

Now are there any hymns that you want sung in the chapel?

-Yes, I would like at least two songs, really.

-Yeah.

-If you just let me know what those are, I can tell the crematorium because it's what you'd like.

-Yes.

'The key thing that I do is I listen,

'rather than me barking at them, "This is what we're going to do."'

And if they don't know what they want, that's when I'll get involved and gently provide them

'with options and what have you.'

So you've got Myrtle's clothes, haven't you?

Arnold's chosen the clothes and jewellery that Myrtle will wear for her funeral.

She'd usually wear dentures, but she wasn't wearing them when she died.

-If they can be put in.

-In here is...her slippers.

Yes. And a pair of socks and her glasses.

-And this is...

-Her lipstick.

-Yes.

-OK. Yeah, that's fine.

'I always say to the family, "Bring all the clothes they'd wear if they were going to something special."

'You know, this is their final send-off.'

No, you've got everything.

'There are people that I know of'

that are still with us that have got their funeral outfits ready.

-So...

-They plan their outfits before?

-Yeah, and they tell their children,

"These are the clothes that I want to be dressed in." So I've heard it all.

Arnold was married to Myrtle for 32 years.

We met at a party.

A bossy type sometimes, you know.

But...

..she was great.

A jolly person.

They shared a strong Christian faith and, in death, that faith has never been more important.

I always wanted her to get a blessing before she goes.

So the minister came with me.

When we got to the hospital, the charge nurse took us to a room

and said,

oh, she was sorry,

but bad news.

She was gone.

I said, "What?!" She was dead.

That particular time when she died, that was a very, very special time.

And if I was there I'd have felt 100% better now.

So I'm prepared to... give her a good funeral.

You know, send her off...on a high.

Religion can help the living come to terms with death,

but the bereaved are also embracing new ideas to help deal with their loss.

Rachel Wallace is one of Britain's first funeral photographers,

providing a lasting memory of a day most people would choose to forget.

Today she's in Buckinghamshire checking out locations for a new booking.

We photograph from the beginning. We have scans of babies, we have photographs of the birth,

we have children, teenagers, we have weddings, but we don't have funerals. Why not?

That's the end of the story, the closing chapter. That's what it is. A closure.

'I really consciously don't take pictures of people who are sobbing,

'crying. You don't want to remind people of the grief and the sadness.'

I think there are moments in these occasions where people do smile and laugh and remember

and you pick up on those things.

Tomorrow's funeral is for Derek Hunt, a successful businessman,

who died at the age of 72 after a long illness.

Derek's son, Matthew, wanted a funeral that would reflect his father's life.

People talk about being larger than life. He was just life.

He was like the Don Corleone of this family. Loved him dearly. Would have done anything for him.

Matthew is happy to break with tradition and have a photographer at the service.

Having a photographer arranged for the funeral isn't everybody's cup of tea,

but it suited us and if somebody has had a good and full life, why not document it

and have a living memory of all the people there to celebrate that person's life?

The funeral service will reflect Derek's Christian beliefs and his love of New Orleans jazz.

The decision to have a jazz band was made for us completely.

We didn't have to make that decision at all. That was his wish.

The decision to go ahead with a Methodist minister was also made for us because of his strong faith.

All his life. We all have two sides of life. If you were,

like my dad, a very flamboyant character, you needed them two for the balance.

You needed the sombre side of religion and the joyful side of music.

Rachel's outside the family home, planning her shots for the funeral.

So there's the house.

They're going to come out there and I'm going to assume they'll come down the road here.

Rachel believes her photographs can help grieving families come to terms with their loss.

The whole purpose of it, for me, is the pictures that they get afterwards.

And...

..when they look through the book, they just talk and talk and talk

about, "Oh, there's so-and-so. She was the best friend. And this person brought me up."

And all these details come out and they're talking and this is what people don't do about death.

They don't talk about it. That's going to be lovely.

It's the day of Asam Sheik Chan's Muslim funeral.

Gulam Taslim is taking the body to the family home for the start of the ceremony.

Today he will also be leading the prayers.

When people die, people have two thoughts.

One is that they want to do a nice funeral and they want the religious part of it as well,

even if they're not practising. Christians and Jews as well.

80% of my clients are Muslims, but they don't pray five times a day

and I know they want some kind of peace from religion, from Islam.

So I try to provide that.

Sometimes death turns people more to religion

because they realise that they're not going to live forever

and they realise that being good and listening to the teachings of our Holy Prophet and the Koran

are a way to going to heaven.

In Tottenham, Damian's preparing to hit the road.

I have to look top-notch because it's a show, essentially.

Plus I'm quite vain as well.

Back in the old days, in Victorian times,

undertakers were called undertakers because they undertook the arrangements for the funeral.

So it was usually gentlemen and top hats were a big thing in the Victorian era,

so it's just carried through. That's it. All ready to go.

Chandu has designed his own uniform with an Indian twist.

I've decided to cross between the Indian sherwani, which is the ceremonial coat,

and a frock coat

to give me the Indian fusion.

You need to make sure the top hat always fits snug

in any windy conditions.

I have been told by others that I am dressed a little bit over the top,

but that's how it's supposed to be.

People think that by looking at me it's the funeral to die for.

They feel like dying when they see me.

Chandu is taking the body of Manubhai Patel back to the family home for the start of his funeral.

The rear view mirror in this car is completely redundant. You can only see the coffin in it!

We have to get used to side mirrors on this one.

Inside the house, the coffin will be opened

and a Hindu priest will lead prayers. The ceremony can last up to two hours.

The family's going to go round the coffin, chanting.

Touching the hands and the feet. We normally put Ganges water in their mouth

and saying the farewell to the body itself.

The atmosphere is emotionally quite charged.

This is the last time they're going to see the person.

Once the ceremony is completed, I'm the one who closes the lid.

Start drifting in slowly. Slowly drifting in.

It's always a very emotional time when the coffin's getting closed.

We just have to do our best and make things flow.

You need to give a hand.

We'll start getting late.

And the dustcart is coming. We'll need to go before him, yeah.

We can't have him hanging around us.

The funeral cortege sets off for the crematorium.

At the ceremony, Manubhai's grandson Ash has one last chance to say goodbye.

On behalf of my Pa and my entire family, I'd like to thank you all for turning up today

and showing my granddad respect.

'I'm just hoping that everything that we've done will help his soul move on.

'We're going to miss him dearly.

'He was a great husband, a great father,

'but, more importantly to me, an amazing grandfather.

'He taught us everything that we know today. We'll miss you and, God, look after him.'

Rachel has arrived to photograph the funeral of businessman Derek Hunt.

Camera, camera.

Take the sunglasses off.

-She's come to the house to take pictures of the family leaving.

-It's all very quiet.

I'll just walk past.

I don't really want to go and intrude.

The New Orleans band are preparing to lead the funeral cortege,

an unusual opening to the day that will make Rachel's job a lot more complicated.

-What time do you start playing?

-Five minutes ago!

-Excellent(!)

-I'm a drummer! Don't ask awkward questions.

-Hello, morning. How are you?

-A bit emotional.

-Aww.

-Can you take a shot for me?

-Of course. That's what I'm here for.

Matthew wants Rachel to take a special picture.

-My dad's favourite view was that.

-I thought you were going to say that.

And obviously this is all... This is where he sat. This is where we tried to get him home.

-We got him home. That's where he wanted to look when he died.

-That's beautiful. OK.

That's really nice. I'll put that in the album, at the start, for a nice starting feel.

Not quite sure whether to go for the family or for the jazz band.

JAZZ BAND STRIKES UP

This is only the first stage of the procession.

Rachel needs to race ahead to stay in front of the funeral cortege.

She knows from experience that the most emotional part of Derek's funeral is yet to come.

The mood can change, it can change so completely at the crematorium

because the point of today is the service and the committal

of his body and the departure from the family

and so the mood could change completely at the crematorium.

Lift it up, gentlemen, with the trolley. That's it. Now let it down.

Asam Sheik Chan's body has been brought to the family home in East London for Muslim funeral prayers.

Funeral director Gulam Taslim will lead the ceremony.

-Are there people who want to view?

-Yes.

-There are.

-So I'd like to do that first before we do the prayers.

-I'll make sure my mum's OK with it.

Just don't do anything yet. I need to speak to my mother.

Mummy...

Asam's son, Farook, brings his mother Rassulbee to the coffin to view her husband's body.

-I'm scared I'm going to faint!

-Don't worry. Try to be strong.

-I want to give him a kiss.

-I've got you.

Asam, bye-bye.

He's so cold, Pauline.

-It's OK, Mummy.

-Bye-bye, Asam.

Bye-bye.

-Why's he so freezing like this?

-Because he's not with us.

Asam, you leave me, Asam.

Asam, you leave me!

All right, it's OK.

Sit down, Mummy.

Mummy, sit down, sit down.

-So you did manage.

-Yes.

You're stronger than you think.

Is there anyone who would like to join the prayer? Ladies are welcome to pray at the back, please.

Gentlemen at the front.

PRAYERS BEGIN

Up until now, the whole family have stayed close to Asam's coffin,

but according to orthodox Muslim teaching, women can't watch the final stages of the funeral.

Women don't attend at the cemetery. It's from the time of the prophet Mohammed, may peace be upon him.

The prophet time, when somebody passed away, the men would go and bury. It's very physical.

We don't agree with having too much emotion, screaming or wailing or getting very upset.

And we don't really encourage women and men hanging about together too much anyway.

In Britain, a compromise is often found. The women can go into the cemetery,

but they'll have to keep their distance from the actual burial.

It's not encouraged, but she can go. But we'll ask you to step back at the point of interment.

After interment, she can go to the graveside. So it's important to meet the religious needs,

but also make sure that they are having a chance to get closure, say goodbye.

We have the on-going cycle of funerals and ashes and funerals and ashes.

Chandu Tailor's on his way to the cremation of an elderly Hindu woman.

Hindus believe that burning the body gives the soul a clear sign that it has to move on.

Traditionally, it would be done on an open-air funeral pyre,

but most British Hindus have to accept the local crematorium is more practical.

In India, all the ladies never went to the crematorium. Ladies didn't go to the crematorium at all, actually.

But since we are in more of a clinical and organised set-up here in England,

we have an equal attendance. Also in the crematorium, we segregate.

Ladies would sit separately to the gents.

90-year-old Revaben Patel died in a nursing home,

so the funeral rites, which usually take place at the family home, are in the crematorium chapel.

PRAYERS

At most funerals, the closing of the crematorium curtains is the last time the bereaved see the deceased.

But some crematoriums have a special viewing window for Hindu mourners.

Traditionally in India, we witness open pyres for cremating our loved ones.

And it has been in the mindset and in our scriptures,

but an equivalent to watching an open pyre is seeing the coffin going in and catching alight.

And if they stayed here long enough they can see the flames through the glass viewing panels

on the door. One thing is they are detaching themselves from the person who has passed away.

And, secondly, it's also sending a message to the soul that the body is now cremated,

it needs to move on into its next reincarnation and not come back to the body.

WEEPING

Seeing the coffin catching alight is quite an emotional time.

Some families need a bit of composure time in here

because then they have to come out and do the final condolences to families who have come to see them.

# ..happy day When Jesus washed my sins away... #

The Christian funeral of Arnold's wife Myrtle is drawing to a close at the crematorium.

Hymns have been sung, prayers have been said.

Her committal should be the final stage of the ceremony, but Arnold has added a personal touch.

Outside, Damian makes sure everything is in place.

Yeah, I think this will be a nice place. What do you reckon?

Will they be all right?

Oh, that's super.

Those are the doves that have just arrived for Arnold. He wanted to release two doves.

See you boys later.

-He wants to release two doves.

-How's it going today?

-Yeah, it's going perfectly so far.

But because it's only a committal, I've got a very short space of time.

They'll be coming out in about five minutes.

# Happy day

# When Jesus washed

# My sins away

# He taught me how... #

'He giveth and He taketh. Blessed be His name, the Almighty.

'She was suffering.

'She's no longer suffering.

'She'll always be in my heart.

'Always.

'Goodbye.

'God bless.'

Whenever you're ready, Arnold.

When they let go of that dove, it's almost like they're letting go of their loved one.

He wanted to finish singing his wife's favourite hymn

before he actually let go.

Which is sweet. He's a sweet man.

What were you thinking as you were sat listening to them sing and after the committal in that chapel?

Sometimes I might feel sad when I'm listening to a church service or to a committal,

but there was so much going on I didn't really get the chance to have any emotions today.

I try to keep them to one side anyway. I don't mean that in a cruel way.

I can't take on-board their grief

because then I won't be able to do what I'm able to do.

-In Buckinghamshire, Rachel's in a jam.

-Oh, please, don't tell me we're behind the jazz band!

She's out of position for a vital shot. The family have requested

a picture of the band approaching the crematorium, but on the driveway it's gridlock.

No! If the band members arrive, they'll start playing. There's another one.

No, stop! I might ditch the car and run.

Oh, I think I will. Yeah, I will.

-BAND PLAYS

-Ah!

Hold on.

If I cut through there...

-BREATHLESS:

-Here's hoping no one steals this.

To get ahead of the band, she's forced to ditch her second camera.

A change of mood.

-SHUTTER CLICKS

-That's nice.

# Amazing grace... #

Clearly, when we lose somebody special in our lives it can feel like a little bit of us has died.

And the realisation of that makes us feel sad and sorrowful.

But I hope alongside that emotion another one will begin to percolate through

and it's one of thanksgiving and celebration.

# ..like me-e-e-e

# I once

# was lost... #

As many of you may have witnessed, Dad was a bit accident prone.

Dad got up one morning, went out in his dressing gown to feed his fish

and managed to trip over the electric fence surrounding the pond. He was nicknamed Swampy for a while!

LAUGHTER

# ..now I see. #

It was lovely, the way they all came up and patted him goodbye.

By the time I get to my funeral, it's going to be perfect.

I'll have all these little touches in that I didn't know people did.

The burial of Asam Sheik Chan will take place at the Muslim Gardens of Peace on the outskirts of London.

As a dedicated Muslim cemetery, there are no flowers on the grave, no coffins

and, at the point of burial, no women.

Islamic teachings

originating in... in Saudi Arabia,

where they do not... they do not cater for women

to have anything to do with the funeral whatsoever.

So the cemetery we're going to will not allow the women to be graveside

when we lower the coffin, the person, into the grave.

In Saudi Arabia, women don't go to the graveyard unless they're actually dead.

But here we're living in the 21st century

and Islam is a scientific religion and a very forward-looking religion.

If you want to be forward-thinking. Or you can be very backward-looking and go back to medieval times.

I try to avoid that without compromising Islam.

The women will be allowed to go to the graveside after the men have finished the burial.

Asam's widow, Rassulbee, is upset that she can't be with her husband.

We'll give you a signal. You stay here. The men and I will go now.

-We will call you when we do the communal prayer.

-I want to see him going in.

Normally they don't allow. I have no objection,

but you're welcome to walk discreetly, quietly behind us. OK?

It's not my rules. It's Islam rules. And it's a Muslim funeral and it's a Muslim cemetery.

You can't see him going down in the hole?

-No, they don't allow, ma'am. If someone else objects, that's what I'm worried about.

-OK.

What has Faridah said?

Wait here?

Gentlemen, are you ready?

Gentlemen...

Gentlemen, would you like to come, please?

Lift it up and over. Thank you.

Daughter Faridah is also frustrated.

Women are not allowed to... to be there,

which I'm not happy about, but I'll...

I'll have to accept.

But, yes, I presume that once he's been buried, then we can all go and pay our respects.

PRAYERS

I have created you from the earth. To the earth you shall return.

And from the earth I shall resurrect you.

We just have to wait here and I'm not happy about that.

Can you call the ladies, please?

Only when the body is covered up can the women pay their last respects.

Thank you, ladies, for attending. Thank you. God give you peace and love, good memories, I hope.

Yes? Good memories?

Thank you, everybody. Thank you, goodbye.

-Bye-bye.

-Thank you. Thank you.

Islam is a very flexible religion, providing you're not trying to abuse that flexibility

but at the same time I have to take in mind this is a woman whose loved person has died.

I've got to take her into consideration. You think about it.

Not only as a funeral director have I got duties to perform,

but also as a Muslim I have duties to perform, too.

So...you think

and, uh, I hope I do it right.

Five weeks have passed since the funeral of Derek Hunt.

Rachel's photographs are back from the printer's.

I'm always really excited when it arrives. I find a quiet moment away from everybody, when it's quiet

and I can sit down and open it and go through it. Always that moment -

is it going to work and am I going to like it?

So...

I think that's a nice shot. It just shows a nice connection between the brothers.

Arrival at the cemetery and also just a tender moment

and it's also Matthew overcome by emotion.

Today she'll be showing the family the funeral album for the first time.

They have no idea what to expect.

I'm handing it over to them. I hope they'll be happy with it.

If they weren't, I'd be upset.

But I'm... I'm nervously positive.

Derek's widow, Sandra, and son, Matthew, are waiting at the family home.

-Hello, Sandra. How are you?

-I'm fine, thank you. Come on in.

Thank you.

'Healing comes from talking over and over and over

'and that's what this is about. The photographs become a prompt. I think it's hugely beneficial

'and is really what I'm trying to do.'

I didn't know that everybody who went through touched the coffin as they went through. Wonderful.

-People felt comfortable enough to do it.

-That was really lovely.

-Everybody had their last goodbye.

-Mm.

-You looked glowing on the day.

-You did. You looked good on the day.

-You have to, don't you? It's what you do.

-But it was a happy day in a funny kind of way.

-It was.

And it came across.

-I think I would have enjoyed it if it wasn't...my dad.

-Yes.

Yes.

And I'm so pleased for him, I really am.

-But I'm sorry for you.

-Yeah.

That's what we get upset for now. Sorry for ourselves.

And that's when I get cross. It's only me I'm sorry for.

Derek's in... well, I know a better place.

But for me I'm just being selfish.

-But you're allowed to be.

-Yeah, but there's a certain amount of time and then life moves on.

-You have to move on.

-Yes, it does.

-Doors have to be closed and let them rest in peace

-and you carry on with your life.

-Yeah.

Chandu's role doesn't end with the cremation of the dead.

The remains of the body, the ashes, must be scattered on flowing water.

Some are taken back to India, but today Chandu has brought a batch to Kingston upon Thames.

Each one weighs two kilos and I've got six, so that's 12 kilos of ashes.

The religious status of British rivers is a complex issue.

Not a very good day, Darren, is it?

Many Hindus believe the ashes should be scattered in India on a holy river like the Ganges.

-Cor, that was hard work.

-But others like Chandu

believe that all rivers flow into the sea, so they're spiritually connected to the Ganges.

In the past in India, the ashes were scattered on the River Ganges

and families believed that the ashes are then carried with the flow of the river into the sea finally.

The Thames is also as good

as any kind of...as any river and any flowing water, basically.

The family of Revaben Patel have come on board to scatter her remains.

THE WOMEN SING

Don't throw the urn inside. Just pour the ashes out, yeah?

'The ashes scattering ceremony is the final part of returning the body to Mother Nature.

'It brings closure to the family and also the belief that the soul by now has moved on.'

The remains may be scattered, but Hindu rituals to remember the dead continue over the years to come.

Don't forget you're going out Sunday at quarter past three.

Faridah found the rules surrounding the burial of her father difficult to accept,

but she's started to see her Muslim faith in a new light.

'On the day I was very angry. I'm his daughter, I should be there.

'But looking back on it, my dad, you know, he took the Muslim faith very seriously'

and it was very comforting to know that I've sent him in the proper way

and it has made closure, it definitely has helped

with me accepting that he has died. Definitely.

'As a young child, we did go to learn the Muslim faith,

'but as I grew up I wasn't a practising Muslim.

'So it has reconnected me with my religion.

'I'm in the process of doing a will at the moment and I would like to be buried in a Muslim way.'

Cos that's who I am. I was born in a Muslim family.

I am a Muslim, at the end of the day.

When it's all done and... over with,

I do have quite a few families, one in particular, that I speak to.

Ironically, they'll say to me, "How's business?" which you wouldn't expect them to

because they have been business to me, but it just shows you that they have put that in a box

and put that box away and are genuinely seeing how I'm doing, how I'm getting on,

which is nice. It's nice to get the cards.

'Hindus always believe it's a blessing to carry out a funeral ceremony

'and to carry a coffin on your shoulder, so I've been blessed by all the people that I've helped

'and those blessings will help me in my final journey into the next life.

'I wish to die without any suffering because I see quite a lot of that.

'My coffin and my clothes are ready. I want to be cremated very, very quickly.'

I need to be returning back to Mother Nature as quickly as I... as quickly as I was born, I'd say!

-Next time:

-You don't even need a funeral director. The whole thing is bullshit.

-Meeting the mourners who are going it alone.

-It seemed more appropriate to take him in a van than a hearse.

That's not really who he was.

-No need for a funeral director...

-This is how he'd like it.

-I know.

-..when you can do it yourself.

-This is our send-off for him with us doing as much as we can.

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