Episode 1 John Bishop's Australia

This programme contains some strong language.

'Long before I did all this for a living,'

I embarked on a journey that changed the course of my life.

In 1992, I rode a bicycle through Sydney, Australia,

back to Liverpool.

Now, 22 years later, I think it's time to do it all again.

I've thought of going back to Australia and recreating the route

loads of times in the last 20-odd years,

just because I feel like I went to Australia but I didn't.

I went to a road in Australia, and stayed on that road

and very rarely went off it.

I want to go back and see the Australia I didn't see.

That's what I want to do.

'Now as a self-confessed middle-aged man in Lycra,

'I'm going to go back and retrace the first stage of my journey,

'2,500km from Sydney to Cairns.

'But this time, I need to see all that Australia has to offer,

'from its amazing landscape to its unique people.

'I also want to discover how the man I am today

'compares to the man who came here 22 years ago.'

It's amazing.

Oh, shit!

This is seeing Australia in a way that I've never seen it before

and most people don't.

-AUDIENCE APPLAUDS

-So ladies and gentlemen,

-are you ready for a good night?

-AUDIENCE: Yeah!

I live a life now that I couldn't have even dreamed of living

when I was 25.

'You could have sat me down and gave me a piece of paper and said,

"Come up with the most outrageous job you think you'll be doing

"when you're 47," and it wouldn't be a stand-up comedian.

I couldn't have come up with that.

Back in 1992, I was working as a sales rep for a drug company.

I had a good wage, a company car, I was playing semi-pro football

and I had a steady girlfriend.

To my mates, it appeared that I had it all sorted,

but I just felt I was at a crossroads.

I could see meself being 45 and still in this company car,

still doing the job.

And Australia is the other side of the world

so it was a part of the world that was always attractive to me.

But I knew if I didn't go then, I never would go.

And that's what it was. Travelling back from Australia

to me was the ultimate adventure that I could think of.

'Although leaving the job, my mates and the football was tough,

'the hardest decision was the one I made to leave Melanie behind.'

'We actually met at uni.

'I was in my third year, he was in the year below me.'

He had this aura about him.

He would walk into the cafeteria or a lecture theatre...

'You couldn't sort of fail to not know he was there.'

Also, he was quite loud and he did have this accent

which for a long time,

'I actually really couldn't pinpoint what it was.'

So he was difficult to ignore,

on a number of levels.

And then by 1992, we'd been going out with each other for four years

and she had friends that were getting engaged and getting married.

Everyone was giving us that look, that kind of, "So...

"are you going to...?"

And so Melanie said, "Well, are we going to?"

And I went, "No."

I just wasn't ready for that life.

It was the commitment to say, "That's you now, son.

"It's time to get married, to settle down, to have kids."

A short time later, Melanie accepted a job as an air hostess in Dubai.

They gave me six weeks, basically, to pack my stuff up,

go out and live in Dubai.

And right up until getting on the flight,

I was still hoping for him to say, "Don't go, we'll get married."

Didn't say it and that was it for me, it was a new life, new start.

I never wanted to be with anyone else.

Every time I thought about it,

I knew I wouldn't love anyone else the same way.

We were both in tears, if I'm being honest,

cos we both knew that it was...

..at best, 50/50 the relationship was going to last.

So I have to admit, I was a very mixed up young man

when I got on that plane to Australia.

I was going there to kind of find meself.

A lot of the questions in me head were the questions you have

at that stage in your life, you know, "What am I going to be?

"What should I do? Should I have married that girl?"

I was still discovering who I was and what I was about then.

'Now, I'm a man in my 40s, I've got three teenage sons

'and I married the girl I left behind.

'Again, all me mates think I've got it sorted,

'but I just feel like I'm back at that crossroads.

'It's like I've got unfinished business with Australia.

'I need to go back and see the country I missed out on.

'And also, to be fair, it'll be nice to be able to put on me Lycra

'without the kids laughing at me.'

He'll always be constantly on the go.

He's not happy. He'll tread water for a bit

and then it's time to go and do something else.

He'll always, always be that kind of man.

And he always did say that he wanted to go back.

I think it's really, really a great thing for him to do.

And a challenge, obviously,

cos he's going to have to get back on that bike again.

So I'm off, I'm leaving the wife, the kids, the dogs behind

and it's just me and me bicycle going to Sydney.

Australia's enjoyed a boom in recent years

and no city reflects this more than Sydney.

I want to get the best view possible

and I've always wanted to feel like Indiana Jones,

so I've hitched a ride in a seaplane.

What you're flying in is called a De Havilland Beaver

-and this was made in 1963.

-1963?

Yeah, absolutely, so it's exactly 50 years...

-So I'm sat in a plane that's older than me...

-Yeah.

-I don't think I've ever done that.

-Yeah.

You know what strikes you about seeing Sydney this way

is that the place is alive.

The water, the relationship with the water and that everyone's out on it.

And when the first settlers come in,

would they have come into the bay this way?

They would have come just south of here to Botany Bay.

Captain James Cook discovered Australia in 1770

and he came down this way, looking for a good place for a penal colony.

The idea that Cook thought,

"You know what? This is beautiful here.

"Let's get all the criminals and bring them here."

You know what I mean? It's mad, innit?

Typical English arrogance.

As it happens, James Cook came from Middlesbrough,

so most places would have looked beautiful to him.

But there's no denying that since his arrival,

Sydney has grown into an incredible place.

Today is Australia Day, when the country celebrates

the moment that the British flag was planted in Sydney.

A replica of Cook's ship, The Endeavour,

leads a flotilla through the harbour.

The weather looks British, but the atmosphere is distinctly Aussie.

HORN BLOWS

You know what? There's nothing more Australian than this,

Australia Day, because if this was in England, it'd be regulated,

you know what I mean? Somebody somewhere would be managing this.

We're out in a water taxi and there's boats everywhere,

going in every direction.

And, look at that.

Look at that lunatic in the canoe.

Look, everything's here, warships,

big tall ships, speed boats

and some idiot's in a canoe.

-He's getting his camera out!

-JOHN LAUGHS

Oh, brilliant.

I don't remember Australia Day being such a big deal in 1992,

but a lot has changed in this country since then.

To understand a little bit more about this new Australia,

I'm meeting up with a fellow comedian and good mate of mine,

Adam Hills.

Adam divides his time between here and the UK.

He's a bit like Kylie with jokes.

Cos when I was here, I'll be honest,

when I was here 20 years ago, I didn't see a lot of Australia,

I literally saw the road in front of me and I just pedalled.

-And I'm trying to discover things that I never saw last time.

-Right.

I just want to know what to expect.

What's interesting about Australia over the last 20 years is that

we've become more aware of the rest of the world.

I would have thought 20 years ago,

your Liverpool accent would have been unintelligible in Australia.

You know what, that's a very good point.

What I have found is people do seem to understand me more.

I would have thought the fact that you're on telly

and you need to be understood by an entire nation.

But I can, you know...

When you first told me you were doing this trip, I just had flashbacks

of you in 1992 in North Queensland in a bar, just with some bar owner

with a confused look on his face.

And with your Liverpool Scouse... IMITATES SCOUSE ACCENT

And he was going... IMITATES AUSSIE ACCENT

It's like seeing Clangers having a row, "Ne, ne, ne, ne!"

See, when I came 20 years ago, I don't know,

Sydney just didn't seem as international as it is now.

Now, Australia has really come along,

we're not as backward as we used to be, I think.

But as a young country,

Australia is the result of people coming over on boats,

-taking a punt and building the country, it's not...

-Oh!

Look, it's ridiculous. On Australia Day,

-we celebrate the arrival of people illegally on boats.

-Yeah.

At the same time the government

are putting in measures to stop the arrival illegally of people on boats.

-As you know, I'm going from here up to Cairns.

-Yeah.

Have you got any advice for where I'm going?

-Do you know what I've just realised?

-What?

In filmic terms, you are a one-man Priscilla, Queen Of The Desert.

You are going on this journey where you've started off in the city

and then you are going to head off into the country to find yourself.

And then at the end of this, you'll be in drag in a Cairns nightclub.

No, cos I'm wearing Lycra all the way.

I'm not quite sure. What are they...?

They wanted to be cocks in frocks on a rock.

With a pair of Lycra, you are going to be

chafed balls next to some waterfalls.

Thanks.

Sydney is recognised as a modern city around the world,

but for thousands of years before that,

it was home to the aboriginal people.

Many in their community mark this day differently

by calling it Survival Day.

Now the voice of the indigenous population is being heard

in a way that it wasn't in the past...

through young people like Jessica Mauboy.

I'm here to sing.

Jessica is a huge pop star in Australia,

but I first saw her in the film The Sapphires.

The movie tells the true story of how three ordinary aboriginal

women were transformed into a successful girl group.

When you were a child growing up,

how was Australian history taught to you?

-I was lucky that, you know, I had my grandparents, my nanna...

-Yeah.

..who would, you know, pass down a certain way

and a certain tradition, whether it be, you know,

going collecting food out in the bush and bringing it back to, you know...

-Instead of going to the shop and buying food.

-Yeah.

I think growing up in Darwin,

-we have such a massive aboriginal community.

-Yeah.

My mum's clan name is Kuku Yalanji.

Her family comes from a stolen generation where kids that were

half-caste or that were light-skinned were taken away from their families

to be put in white homes, to be taught white ways.

-And this was a government-backed scheme?

-This was the... That was.

The assumption being that they were giving them a better life?

They tried to take my mum and her sisters away but my nanna,

or her nanna and grandad fought back and said,

-"No, you can't, you cannot have them."

-Yeah.

But I think we can take it now

-and we can pass down to the next generation...

-Yeah.

..about... Tell them the stories and allow them to know

but don't do it with anger, do it with a bit of more of a celebration,

to know that we're here, we are still here

and that we're still living and we're still passing on

the spirit and the magic and the soul.

So, I definitely think that, you know, we're getting better

as a country and we're definitely unifying and that's a huge...

LOUD BANG Wow!

-There goes the cannons.

-Yeah.

Wow.

You can see the aboriginal flag up there.

And that flag is being recognised now as a unifying thing for all...

Oh, yeah, yeah.

-..the aboriginal people.

-With the rest of the flags.

So as a young girl, you would never have seen that?

It's actually quite a...

-It's sort of overwhelming, in fact.

-Yeah.

Sorry, I'm so emotional right now.

Jessica's story and being in this buzzing city

has just really whetted my appetite to get out and see more

of what this country's got to offer.

This is the actual map that I used and it took me

30 days to ride to Sydney to Cairns.

During those 30 days,

it didn't take me long to realise that Australia is massive.

This time round, I want to see more of it so I know to do that,

I'm going to have to get off the bicycle every now and again.

Reading through the diary,

it's pretty apparent that I just cycled and cycled.

I just think me 25-year-old self had a desire to get somewhere,

like you do when you're 25.

Whereas I'm 47 now, I'm not really in the same rush.

One thing that I've learnt, it's up to you whether you have fun,

you can't wait for it to happen.

And I think when I was a younger man,

I was probably a little bit more serious.

So, yeah, I want to have a little bit of fun

and I also want to see what I missed.

'Well, the truth is I'm not going exactly the way I went

'so I'm taking this diversion on the first day'

up to the Blue Mountains, because when I left Sydney I went north.

Everyone said to me,

"While you were in Sydney, did you go to the Blue Mountains?"

And I went, "No, cos I didn't even know they were there,"

which is just stupid. So, yeah, I'm looking forward to it,

get a bit of miles in, really, and get it moving.

'Starting a journey's always exciting but starting an epic

'trip like this couldn't get more exciting, particularly in Sydney.

'I'm ready for this. This is me, now.

'This is my moment.'

'Well, this isn't me moment, it's coming up.'

I'm heading to the Blue Mountains.

It's a 90km journey into the most spectacular wilderness

in New South Wales.

2.5 million acres of virgin forest,

vast canyons and soaring cliffs.

But first, I need to get out of this city.

What a bridge. What a place!

'I've got the wind in my hair, the factor 50 on my face

'and appropriate lubrication where I need it

'to make sure that I stay friction free.'

'It feels great to be on a road, even if that road is going uphill.'

I'm not even in the mountains yet.

Just on a hill.

I'm heading to the town of Katoomba in the heart of the mountains.

Hey, hey, hey. Best thing about a hill...

..got a hill going down.

I'm already learning that the road's good, the bike's fast...

Wahoo!

..and that you need to apply that lubrication more evenly.

Still, I'm alive at the end of the first day.

Apparently, me being squashed

by a truck wouldn't have made such good telly!

Here's me little thing there.

So I've done about four hours, 85km, which is probably very close

to what I did on the first day last time,

although I'm in a different town and I'm up a mountain and I'm shattered

and I want me bed and I'm 47, not 25.

It's the thing I did. It's that little bit about trying to reconnect

with Australia the way I was then.

You can fly through but if you're pedalling every step of the way

or as much as you possibly can, you're in the middle of it,

you're not just passing through it.

The first European settlers saw the Blue Mountains

as the edge of civilisation

and today it feels like my first step into wild Australia.

I'm about to try an activity that I've both fancied

and feared for a very long time.

I'm heading to the Boar's Head...

..where some climbers are going to teach me how to abseil.

As that famous proverb says -

to become a better man, you must experience everything,

even if you are shit-scared.

I mean, these guys all look like they know what they're doing

so I've got to put me faith in them, but the idea that your life

depends on a crampon or a piece of rope

just seems ridiculous to me.

Not keen.

Nice route, eh?

Awesome.

It's great but there's a... It's a long way down.

Oh, it's definitely a long way down.

Is there a net anywhere?

Oh, my word.

'Right now, I know that part of that proverb was right.

'The last thing I want to do is to walk arse-first off a cliff

'and then have to climb up the bleeding thing.'

-Good to go. I'll see you down there.

-Ah!

I'm believing you, I'm trusting you.

So about two or three metres down off the edge of the cliff,

you'll come to the first feature, which is a little overhang.

So you're like this.

Once you're in that position...

It might surprise you, I don't think I can actually do that.

-You may surprise yourself.

-OK.

Whoohoohoo.

I'll just bring you across nice and slow and give you a moment to

kind of chill, get used to it and then we'll just go straight into it.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

When I hold you on this, you can't go anywhere.

So if you want to move anywhere, I have to allow a bit of rope

-to go through and then you can descend.

-OK.

-Feeling good?

-No.

-Three main things I want you to think about. Feet...

-Me kids.

Feet shoulder width apart, hand behind your back,

leading with your hips.

Great. Can you feel your weight in the harness there?

-I felt it move, I didn't like it.

-Just play with that friction.

There you go.

Styling. Nice and easy.

Oh, fucking hell!

That's the way.

Nice. Cruising.

Let those hips lower down a little bit.

-Lower the hips, lower the hips.

-Lower the hips.

-Yep.

Feed it through, that's it. JOHN GRUNTS

Go easy.

That's it, now you'll properly overhang, that's it.

Get your bum really low, just jump out, that's it.

Oh, I didn't want to see that.

How the hell do I get back to look at the wall instead of that?

Yeah, it's coming around here. Doing well.

That's it. Jump on out.

Nice work.

Nice one. Back on good ground.

Was that your first breath?

I was never really into climbing cliffs

but when I look over the edge, I can see what the attraction is...

the view is amazing.

It makes you feel like king of the hill

or king of the mountain

or king of New South Wales!

Honest, what a view!

What a view.

You know what this is? This is a real contrast to Sydney

and a real sense that I'm on a journey now.

This is seeing Australia in a way that I've never seen it before

and most people don't.

What kills it is this helmet, you know what I mean?

Cos I feel fantastic

but I know I look like a bit of a knob.

CAMERAMAN: True.

It's worth looking like a knob to be in this wonderful place.

To learn more about it, I'm meeting Lester Ives,

a local ranger who knows this country like the back of his hand...

or the back of his beard.

-Lester.

-Ah, John.

-Ah, mate!

-Nice to meet you.

-How's it going, mate?

-What a view.

Yeah, it's beautiful, isn't it?

-This is your place of work?

-It's where I live.

-Fantastic.

-Yeah.

Beautiful place. You can listen, it talks to you.

-It talks to you?

-Listen, listen there.

Hear cicadas.

-Have you ever lived anywhere else?

-No.

I've had holidays to places but...

Cos I've got to be honest, you...

For people in England, you look like you live here.

-Yeah.

-Do you know what I mean?

-Yeah.

It's our image of a mountain man.

-Yeah.

-And... But when you stand here and then you see the beauty of it...

Yeah, it's always different, too.

Why do they call it Blue Mountains?

That's because of... See all these trees there,

most of them are eucalyptus trees.

-Yeah.

-They emit this eucalyptus oil from their leaves...

-Oh, yeah.

..into the atmosphere. The way the sunlight hits it,

the way it reflects off, it appears to be blue.

-Yeah, of course.

-Blue, it's blue.

Oh, that's fantastic.

So this... I mean, look at that as a view.

Just is a place to...

'When it comes to the local wildlife,

'Lester is David Attenborough and Dr Dolittle

'all rolled into one.'

Listen to all the bird sounds.

-Huh.

-Hear that one?

-Yeah, what's that?

-That's a whipbird.

-A whipbird?

Yeah, the male whipbird makes this sound like a whip, he goes...

LESTER WHISTLES

LESTER IMITATES WHIP CRACK

And usually at the end, you hear this, "Chu-chu",

that's a female answering.

FEMALE WHIPBIRD CHIRPS

-Hear that?

-She's answering you?

-Yeah.

WHIPBIRDS SING

To get down into the deep valleys,

European settlers carved paths with simple tools and used heavy labour.

But these trails are gradually being swallowed up by the jungle.

Lester and the rangers are now trying to put them back.

This reminds me a bit of what Adam said about chafed balls.

I don't think I'll mention that to Lester right now, though.

-Hey, Thor.

-How's it going, mate?

-Yeah.

-Hello.

-I'd like to introduce you to John.

-All right, mate.

-Nice to meet you, John.

-And Enchew.

-Hi, John. All right?

-Thor?

-Thor, that's it.

-Where do you get that from?

Ah, hippy parents and I was born with blond hair

-and blue eyes on a really stormy night so...

-There you go.

-And I've got a hammer.

-And you got a hammer, yeah.

And where did you get a name like Enchew?

-Oh, I'm from Nepal. It's a...

-From Nepal?

..last name of sherpa, yeah.

Can I have a go? Yeah.

-Of course you can.

-This is the hammer, that's my hand.

Aim for the hammer.

Not as easy as it looks.

-I was watching 'em a minute ago and not thinking...

-You hold it...

Let me have one more go. Ready?

Oh, that's all right.

-Yeah, that's good.

-OK.

-Yeah, nice.

That's swinging better than an English batsman did in the Ashes.

-How old are you?

-I'll be 60.

-60?!

-Yeah.

-And how old are you?

-28.

-So you're swinging.

-That's why I'm swinging.

-Yeah, you're swinging cos you're 20.

That's sick.

Probably I swing better than him.

Well, today, how far do you think you'll go today?

Um, probably a bit past your foot, yeah. Just over there.

So you probably do two metres a day, hard swinging.

-Two metres a day?!

-Mm.

That's proper, proper dedication of work, that is.

The idea of spending all day grafting to progress only six feet

seems mind-numbing to me, but the lads are going to spend

almost a year down here and they seem quite happy with it.

Being in such a remote area means that sometimes you've got to

make your own entertainment, just like the people in Norfolk.

-What is it?

-It's an old Kwacker 900's exhaust pipes.

It's an old motorbike.

DIDGERIDOO-LIKE MUSIC

Ah, all born to be wild a bit.

HORN BLOWS RHYTHMICALLY

SINGING UNCLEAR

Yeah, like this, eh?

This is really a surreal day.

I've got Gandalf playing his exhaust pipe

and a tiny Sherpa blowing his own trumpet.

Enchew spends his time off paragliding and he uses the trumpet,

he said, to scare off attacking eagles.

Course he would.

I was in Canberra one day, flying over it,

I can hear this noisy eagle.

The next moment, two of them attack me same time.

Then bang!

I look up, big hole in the glider.

"Brr-brr-brr-brr, God!"

Then I just emergency land,

unhook the glider, nearly two metres ripped.

That's the thing.

In England, everyone's scared of coming to Australia

cos there's spiders and snakes.

Now there's fucking eagles attacking hang-gliders!

'Enchew's a phenomenon.

'I mean, just talking to him there, he left home when he was eight,'

looking for work. He had to live in trees to avoid tigers

when he was sleeping at night, when he was in the jungle.

I mean, I don't know why I'm in this documentary.

We should just make one about Enchew cos he's ended up here in Australia,

getting attacked by eagles when he goes paragliding.

To be honest, I'd prefer to see this country from me saddle.

'There may be no eagles down here,

'but there's certainly no shortage of wildlife.'

Look. Another kangaroo.

Wow.

'We all know that Australia's got kangaroos and fantastic wildlife,

'but we also know that a lot of the animals here

'are extremely dangerous.'

DOG BARKS

Most of the time in this country, you're only a few feet away

from something that can kill you.

It's a bit like some of the clubs I've played in.

I'm travelling 150km to the town of Gosford.

'Where I'm going to meet Tim Faulkner,

'a man who spends his time

'working with some of the most dangerous animals in Australia.'

Follow me.

What are the most dangerous snakes in here, then?

Well, there's 250 venomous snakes in these rooms,

largely comprised of Australian snakes.

But there are a few exotics, like cobras and rattlesnakes.

But in terms of venom,

Australia has ten out of ten of the most toxic land snakes on earth.

-Ten out of ten?!

-Ten out of ten, hands down.

'Every day, Tim and his team collect the venom from these lethal snakes

'to produce the lifesaving anti-venom.'

OK.

So this is...

This has the, the fourth strongest venom of any snake on earth,

responsible for a number of bites.

Big angular head with a good venom delivery system.

So if you'd hop back for one second, please.

I'm just going to present her up onto the table.

OK, now can you take that body, please? Just hold the back, there.

-Yep.

-Oh, God, yeah.

-You're OK, no worries.

OK. All right.

Now we've got the snake, that's good.

I'll swap you and I'll take that tail. That's good. OK, you ready?

So on three, I'm going to put it on

and you just keep that thing still, no fingers.

One, two, three.

-Ugh!

-Oh, there we go.

-Ugh!

-Look at that.

-Ugh!

'Tim's skills allow him to apply just enough pressure to extract

'the precious venom from the snake without harming it.

'So if you are a snake, please don't write in and complain.'

Get another couple of drops, here we go, another two.

Ugh, can you see it?

That's pretty good.

Hiya.

You look like the worst ventriloquist act

I've ever seen in me life.

Oh, look at him, he's curling round.

And that's where the bite went in.

So that's enough in there to bowl you and me over quite easily.

-That'd kill us both.

-That'd kill us both.

And tiger snake venom shuts the brain down, neurotoxins,

and has a very strong coagulant that will turn your blood to jelly

and likely to send you into cardiac arrest.

So, nice one.

-And you're the only place in Australia producing...

-Yeah.

-..the venom for the anti...?

-The sole supplier in Australia.

So if you were lucky enough to get nabbed anywhere along the way

by a venomous snake, then guaranteed the anti-venom you will receive

came from one of the snakes that you've worked with here.

Nice to know, innit? Nice to know.

'As if spending time with all these snakes wasn't enough,

'Tim also collects venom from the deadly funnel-web spider.

-'Nutcase!'

-Have you seen a funnel-web yet?

-No.

-No.

Wait till you see this, it's a brilliant spider.

I mean, to be fair, there's not a lot of competition

when you're saying a brilliant... Oh, my God.

It looks like a toy.

OK. So that is a big female funnel-web spider.

Ugh!

When we touch her a little, we have to agitate her a tiny bit.

-Now we have two fangs.

-Ugh! Oh, yeah.

Half a centimetre long and if you look closely,

there's a tiny droplet of venom.

-Oh, yeah, I can see it.

-OK, you watching? OK.

Now that's a little pipette, can you grab that out for me?

Don't touch the end of the pipette.

OK, now when we lift that up you're going to keep that hand far away

and touch, just gently touch, the end of each fang.

That's it, right in there.

And so now you are collecting little pieces of venom.

You can feel the strength of the fangs.

-Again, that's it.

-Oh, look at that!

There you go. Now grab that venom.

That's it.

-There you go.

-The thing is, they don't come looking for you

while you're asleep in bed at night.

So, whilst they're dangerous, I still love 'em.

JOHN LAUGHS

They don't come looking for you while you're asleep in bed.

It's just that's a concept that had never entered me mind.

Oh, shit! Oh shit! I touched the end. Oh, God, I've broke the funnel.

That's OK, we've got hundreds.

-I know but I've only got one hand.

-You're all right.

I'm less fond of a venom pipette than me hand.

I'm a doctor after hours. You'll be fine.

-It hasn't broke anything, has it?

-No, no.

See that, funnel-web spider on me hand, not bothered.

Not bothered. Not bothered.

The idea that you can go out into your garden

and something can kill you...

..that's what's different between here and home.

It feels good to be back on the road, but some things never change.

This is just how I live my life on tour,

it's just that this time I've got a bike.

So this is the motel I'm staying in.

This is pretty standard for where we've been staying.

The bike always stays in the room with me in case someone nicks it.

I always give that a check over, unpack, pack, unpack, pack,

unpack, pack.

It's good, but it's also a little bit, at times, wearing.

But that's part of what it's about, innit?

That's a sock from a couple of days ago, surely,

that's got mixed up somewhere and it hums.

Fucking hell.

It stinks.

I already feel like I've seen more

of this country than I did last time.

On the first trip, I just stuck like a monorail to the Bruce Highway,

completely missing out on some of the most stunning coastline

in the world.

I'm heading to the town of Forster to meet an old friend

who spends his life out on the sea.

It's a spectacular journey and for the last stretch,

I'm riding between the ocean and the seemingly endless Wallis Lake.

It's funny because at home I'm not a massive cyclist.

I cycle with me mates now and again

and that's weather-dependent and all the rest of it.

But here, because I'm trying to recreate what I did then,

I'm finding me mind's turning back to what it was like then.

And it's... You find, cos there's long stretches of it,

like, songs come into your head that you haven't heard for ages

even songs you don't like.

You know, and then you're also thinking of just people you know

and wondering what they're up to.

And there's loads of little moments where you realise you've not

been thinking about anything.

It's probably as close to meditation with pedals that you'll get.

'I met Geoff Martin last time

'when I called into his shop that he was working in.

'We got talking and, in true Aussie fashion, he just invited me to stay

'the night with him and his family. I rolled off the next morning

'and I haven't seen him since...

'but today Geoff said that he's got a bit of treat in store for me.'

-Long time no see.

-A very long time no see.

-Yeah, yeah.

-So how are you?

-Good.

-And your life's changed, hasn't it?

-Our life's changed, your life's changed.

-Just a bit, just a bit.

Absolutely, yeah. So we've always...

So when I met you in Taree, you were in a camping shop.

-Yeah, a barbecue and camping shop.

-Yeah.

So, finished up with that in 2011, semi-retired.

-And this is where I ended up.

-Semi-retired?

Yeah, it's fantastic fun.

So we're going out to swim with some wild dolphins

which should be fascinating.

Oh, mate, I'm looking forward to that.

Does anybody get seasick?

I mean, it looks flat here, what's it like out there?

Uh, not quite so flat.

Now I get seasick on a pedalo on a duck pond,

so I'm already having second thoughts.

We've been told to keep our eye out for flocks of birds

cos that apparently indicates where the dolphins are feeding.

This is a brilliant idea...

if you're not spending all your time trying to keep your breakfast in.

Here it comes.

I'm going in now, I think the dolphins are there.

I can see it. Look.

OK.

So we're interacting now

and they love playing with the boat, it's like an activity for them.

The most important thing is to not make splashes, so don't kick.

No kicking or anything as you're getting out there,

just use your arms to pull yourself up.

And the other important thing is to make squeaking noises

through your snorkel, so...

-SHE SQUEAKS THROUGH SNORKEL

-Just like that, OK?

Just do that for me for me?

JOHN SQUEAKS THROUGH SNORKEL Your wetsuit's not small enough.

-Ready, mate, straight in.

-Straight in, pull yourself up.

That's it.

Don't kick, don't kick.

Foot in the loop.

Head down, that's the way. Keep it down, keep it down.

JOHN YELLS IN WATER

Sometimes in life you try something

and then you find out that you're just no good at it.

I'd just learnt that I wasn't as good at underwater yodelling

as I thought I would be.

The dolphins just aren't interested.

Flippery bastards.

What I needed to do was just go "Eeeeeeee."

When the dolphins come back, I'm ready to give it another go.

Nice and easy.

-That's it.

-Here they come, look down, look down, here they come.

Wow! We're doing it.

I think I've drank the whole sea.

I've swallowed all of Australia's ocean.

I have to be honest,

I like looking at the sea more than I like being on it.

I'm bouncing around and the sea sickness, that wasn't great,

but the actual experience was brilliant.

The closeness of the dolphins by the boat, that was good.

Getting in the water and, uh...

screaming like a madman whilst hanging on to a rope...

"Eeeeeeeeeeeeeee."

I think all the dolphins were just...

I think they'd just come over to see who the lunatic is.

In my eyes, coming as an outsider, in the 22 years,

there seems to be a sense of being an Australian has changed.

Mm-hm.

You've only got to look at Shane Warne's face

to see how much that's changed.

That's true. Ah, look, it has changed, it's changed terribly.

I mean, we in Australia hate to be labelled as the Stubbies

and the blue singlet and the flip-flops.

-Yeah, flip-flops.

-That's it.

We hate to think like that these days.

None of us really are like that. There isn't any left.

-I mean, we've learnt how to be snags, I guess, new-age...

-Snags?

...new-age guy, yeah. Sensitive new-age guys.

Sensitive new-age guys?

This looks like everyone's image of Australia

and it looks like everyone's image of paradise and it is.

The route that I've kind of taken now as opposed to the route

that I did last time...

I stayed about half an hour inland.

I missed all of this, which was just mental.

And you think, I want to grab hold of me 25-year-old self and say,

"Slow down, you're missing everything,

"you're in too much of a rush." At the time that I was here,

I wasn't sure what I was going to go back to or if I should get married.

But there was never a consideration that I'd stay in Australia.

And it's not that I don't love it,

it's just that the people I love aren't here.

Leaving Forster, I head north on the road that I'd cycled on last time

up to Port Macquarie.

I'm reminded how it felt back then acclimatising,

not to the wildlife of Australia or even the landscape or the heat,

but to the loneliness.

And it's that solitude that made me find some silly things amusing,

it was the kind of thing that just kept me going.

Daft things...

like this sign.

And when I was looking through me old photographs,

there's a picture of me on me bike by this

and so we've discovered it again,

so I'm recreating it.

Last time, that photo was the closest I got to a koala.

So I'm heading further north to Port Macquarie

to discover more about them.

It's an animal I've always loved, it's a national symbol of Australia

but it's also an animal that's suffered more than most

by the invasion of man.

Not only has it lost its natural habitat through building,

it's also suffered from devastating bushfires,

which has meant that in the last 20 years,

the population of koalas in this region has dropped by two thirds.

At the Koala Hospital in Port Macquarie,

the volunteers are doing everything they can to save this iconic animal.

Well, she was found abandoned, just found on the ground

and no sign of her mother anywhere.

-So...

-So when, like, when you opened it then,

her first thing was to reach out and grab you.

Well, yeah.

Is that their natural instinct, to hold on to somebody?

Yeah, I'm her mother.

How old is she?

She's probably around eight or nine months.

You know, people say to me,

"When you rear a koala and then it comes over here,

-"how can you let them go? I mean, I'd get too attached to them."

-Yeah.

And well, sure, you get attached to them but that's what you do it for.

Do you want to see if he's friendly?

Sniff his nose, nose-to-nose.

-Hmm.

-Hmm.

-Oh, yeah.

-What do you think?

-That's all right.

Sharp noise.

See, I'm the koala whisperer.

All the volunteers who handle these wild animals have been trained

by wildlife biologist, Shane Flanagan.

So what are we doing?

We're doing an ultrasound to look at chlamydia.

-So...

-Oh, great(!)

Yeah. Do you want to pop up on the table?

Be quiet, dear.

Wonder if he's a dog attack?

-Oh.

-Oh, oh, oh, hello.

Ah, mate, you stink.

-He does stink.

-Oh, my goodness.

-Oh, look at his bum.

-Oh.

-All right, let's see then.

-Oh.

Oh, my goodness.

He hums, doesn't he?

Eh?

Is chlamydia a new disease to koalas,

or is this always happened with them?

It's always a disease you see expressed

when there's disturbed habitat.

You don't really see it in clean, healthy populations in the bush,

so it's a stress-related illness.

-Are they very territorial?

-Yes.

Yeah, all koalas are very territorial.

They all have their specific home ranges that they stay with

for their entire lives.

-And hence why when we come along and rip out all the habitat...

-Yeah.

..why all these problems happen,

because it's sort of... They become refugees, you know,

they all end up piled on top of each other.

And that'd be like you and all your neighbours, all of your houses

bulldozed and you all had to move in down the road with other neighbours.

They wouldn't like you all living in their backyards, would they?

It's exactly the same with them.

So, what I've got to do now is stick a swab right up inside his urethra

which means going into his penis.

Every male of every species now feels sorry for him.

But every female gets great delight from doing this.

There we are, here we have a male koala's penis.

-What are you doing now, doing a swab to test it?

-For chlamydia.

And if he's got chlamydia, what would you give him, antibiotics?

Yeah.

See, back to bed again.

So... you're not being too cruel?

-I mean, that gets all tucked away?

-See, I'm glad you noticed.

Marsupials are back-to-front from placental mammals, which you are.

You have yours round the other way.

Koalas have their testicles on top and the penis underneath

and the penis is tucked away nicely for protection.

Wouldn't you like that? Marsupials tuck it away nicely for protection.

Some people would say that it looks like I have got it tucked away.

My wife thinks I'm a koala.

Now you can go home and tell her, "I'm a marsupial."

-And do they mate for life or is it...?

-No!

Of course they don't do that. What a stupid question that was.

He's got a sexually transmitted disease.

Does he mate for life?

They're like all teenagers today who...

-How about we leave it at that?

-Spreading it around.

-Yeah.

-Yeah.

No, they're all quite promiscuous.

-Right, off?

-Off.

-Hey, wake up now. Hey, wake up.

-Oh, oh, look at that.

-Wake up.

There you go, son.

-That's the recovery ward.

-Yeah.

Is it? That basket?

Yeah. Ah, works well.

So what's the best thing about being here? Cos to me,

it just seems a lovely place to spend time

-but it's hard work as well, isn't it?

-It is.

-There's a lot involved to keep the hospital running.

-Yeah.

And so you're fundraising all year round just to keep it running.

We get no funding from anybody so we have to raise...

I think it's probably over 270,000 a year just to run this place.

-Yeah, for all the bills.

-And that's done by ourselves.

We have a fundraising group that specialises in that,

But our... And you can do this, you can adopt a koala before you go,

because our adoptions are one of our biggest fundraisers

to help this place go.

You know what, the truth is I'm doing this trip

-and the idea is I'm recreating a trip I did...

-They were telling me.

..when I was 25, before I got married,

because I didn't want to marry this girl

and then I got back and I married her.

And we've been married now for 20 years

and she's a wildlife enthusiast and it's her birthday tomorrow.

-Oh.

-So that's what I'll do for her birthday.

-Ah.

So I'm just going to, like,

"Melanie, that's what I've got you for your birthday."

Yeah? Not Barbara, the koala.

THEY ALL LAUGH

There's always going to be that battle about the humans

wanting to live where animals live.

And you've got to remember, you know, we're new to this habitat

and every tree that's cut down has an effect.

But the community support for this shows that people are conscious

of it, they're not just steamrolling ahead with it.

One of the things that strikes me about Australia

is that you can never stop learning when you come here.

Things are changing so rapidly for this country but a lot of that

change has happened in the last 200 years since Europeans arrived.

And it's very easy to forget that people have lived here

for thousands of years before it was ever settled.

For the aboriginals, this coast was rich with food and water

and their people thrived.

I'm heading further north, along the New South Wales coast,

to Coffs Harbour,

once one of the most important aboriginal settlements in Australia.

It's home to the Gumbaynggirr, who are known as "the sharing people"

and Mark Flanders is a tribal elder.

My people have lived on this coastal section here

we estimate probably the last 6,000, 8,000 years.

So this idea that the aboriginal culture was nomadic,

is that not really true?

It depends on how many resources you have in the area.

You got lots of food around, you're not going to go far at all,

you're going to hang there a lot longer.

But in general, we are quite nomadic, we are moving around country.

We're going from one place to another

-cos you know a ceremony is happening somewhere up the coast.

-Yeah.

You're going to pack up all the men, women and children,

off you go up and practice ceremony

and probably come back there in a couple of years' time.

So we're always moving around but still coming back to country.

So what's all this red rock?

This is the soft ochre rock that my people used to crush up and make

into paint for doing the ceremony, where they paint their bodies up.

Presumably, it paints red?

Yeah, you got red, you got your yellows, your browns, even white.

-All comes out of this?

-Yeah.

And if you want it darker just add a bit of charcoal with it,

so you get a wide range of colours.

So can you show us a piece that you can do that with?

Yeah, I'll get a bit of soft ochre up here and you can crush it up.

Oh, wow, look at that, it's beautiful colours, innit?

We'll find you a nice, soft piece, John.

Give you that bit there and we'll get a hammer stone for you.

-Just put it on there and just crush it up.

-Just grind it, yeah?

Yeah, just bang it, crush it.

-And you get school kids doing this?

-Yeah.

Is this a new thing,

-school excursions to study aboriginal culture?

-Yeah.

They're going home in a lot more positive mind-frame.

And they're going home telling their parents about it, you know,

and changing their parents' thoughts on aboriginal culture.

-Yeah.

-See, that's nice and fine there now.

And what you do, just spit on it and...

-I'll do it the authentic way.

-That's the way.

Cos obviously they had plastic bottles of water, didn't they...

Oh, of course, yeah.

..2,000 years ago. Of course they did.

-There you are.

-Yeah, that's the way.

-So this is really the first example of a false tan?

-Yes.

Cos I do this and then I do that.

That's it, look, you've got an instant Aussie tan now, huh.

-Look at that, yeah.

-Yeah.

-It's St Tropez. Look at that.

There's a lot of girls in Liverpool who'd pay a lot of money for this.

They'd like that, eh.

For thousands of years, they prospered

and then the Europeans arrived in Coffs Harbour.

They cut down the forest and fenced off the best land

and took it all for themselves.

But it was the way that they treated indigenous women

in particular that triggered violence.

A handful of settlers were killed but the reprisals were terrible.

Local aboriginals were chased from their camp near Red Rock

and massacred when they tried to swim to the beach.

How many people are we talking?

We're not really sure, we just know that it happened.

Couldn't tell you any numbers at all

but we just know that a couple of then, two, escaped to tell the story.

-There's no excuse.

-Yeah. No, you're right.

We were on the flora and fauna list of Australia as just another species

until 1967 when we had the referendum.

You know, we were just regarded as animals.

They had no respect for the country that we're on,

let alone the people that were on that country.

But we had to get onto it, we had to reconcile and say,

"Yes, it happened."

For reconciliation to happen, it takes that...

I suppose that forgiveness, as well.

-Forgiveness is part of it, yeah.

-It's a big thing to have.

-Mm.

But we've got to get onto it.

We're going to be here for a long time yet and so will our children.

-Yeah.

-And that's the main thing we have to promote,

look after this landscape for our children.

-You might come here and have kids here one day.

-Mate.

I was here 22 years ago, I'm just waiting to bump into a 21-year-old.

Ah, you might, on that push-bike!

As the light fades, Mark takes me to a special place

normally reserved just for his people.

So would this be the time of day that you'd be getting the stories

-as a kid from the elders?

-Yeah.

When you're sitting down and relaxing round the campfire

just learning about country, where you're from,

where your boundaries are in your country.

Explain Dreamtime to me, cos as I understand it,

-it's the explanation of why we're here.

-That's right.

The old people say that when you're born onto this Earth

and then live a life as we do now, you learn about your totems,

the things that you will specialise here.

So your totem is the thing that you know most about in your mob?

Yeah, well, it's my...

Would have been passed on down through me family.

My grandmother's totem is fire, so you got to learn about fire.

I love fire, I love being around it.

So you learn about your totem here on Earth.

You go through your stages of learning,

gathering all that knowledge and passing it on.

Then you will die, the old people will come and get you,

take you back to the Dreaming.

That's why you often hear the old people say,

"Oh, we've been here forever, our spirit has been here forever."

-Could you ever see yourself living anywhere else?

-I couldn't.

I have lived in other places in Australia

but something drew me back home again

and I want to come back to me own country, me homeland.

I'll be here forever. I love this place so much.

Well, if you're here in 22 years' time,

I might be passing by on a bike again.

I hope you do, mate, yeah.

Can't guarantee it, I've got to be honest.

Oh, mate.

-Do you want milk?

-I don't have milk.

All right, let's have it without milk.

-Cheers, John, all the best, mate.

-Cheers, Mark, all the best, mate.

-Thanks for a great day.

-All right, thank you.

Ah, that's nice.

Next time, I head further north into the heartland of Australia.

I haven't eaten meat for 27 years.

Well, you should be ashamed of yourself, John.

Beautiful.

He's not moved since he arrived.

Oh, shit!

It's just Australian, innit, you know what I mean?