Episode 2 John Bishop's Australia

Ladies and gentleman, Mr John Bishop!

This programme contains some strong language

At the age of 25, long before I ever thought of being a comedian,

I walked away from a good job with a pharmaceutical company

to set off on one of the greatest adventures of my life.

I rode a bicycle 2,500km from Sydney to Cairns.

I was doing it to raise money for charity,

but I was also at a crossroads in me life.

I'd only come here

because I didn't want the commitment to getting married.

You know, that felt like growing up. This was my last big adventure.

Now I've come back to recreate the old journey.

So far, I've travelled 800km north of Sydney,

and on that journey I've walked backwards off a cliff...

I've milked venom from a deadly snake...

..and I've seen a koala's privates.

Now that's not a sentence I ever thought I'd say.

I want to see the things I missed out,

I want to have a little bit of fun

and I also want to see how Australia's changed.

I've arrived in the surf town of Byron Bay.

It's a magnet for young backpackers who are drawn

by its reputation for having a hippy vibe and a party scene.

It's a little bit like Magaluf, but with yoga.

Well, when I came here in 1992, I never went near a surfboard.

At home, I was used to wearing a suit and driving a Ford Sierra.

In Byron, people wore kaftans and went surfing before work.

I just never really understood what it was all about.

But this time round, I want to know what the scene

really does mean to the people here,

so I've got one of the world's surfing legends to fill me in.

Californian Rusty Miller came to Byron Bay back in the early '70s.

A US champion, he was one of the first surfers to

travel around the world searching for the perfect wave.

Rusty is now 70 years old, but he's still living the dream.

This is my...

this is why I came here in 1970, you know, this is my,

this is my common denominator - the waves are still breaking.

I just like to think that surfing is a good

emphasis for individuality in that sense that erm,

it's your personal relationship with the ocean out there.

Just physically that time in the water.

And often, of course, it does change your life, you know,

like people, this is a famous thing in Byron.

People come here and they learn how to surf and they...

-They give up everything.

-They give up everything.

To be in Byron Bay

and not go surfing is just like going to Wigan and not eating a pie.

This time I'm going to hit the waves.

-This is like...

-That looks pretty good.

..like a male... Have you heard of Spanx over here?

These are big knickers that women wear to

get their figure in, and this is like a male version.

You could just wear,

I could wear this under me clothes all the time and just breathe in.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, and keep your stomach tight.

In my head, I'm going to be like

that boss-eyed bloke in the beer advert,

riding a wave flanked by white stallions.

MUSIC: "Phat Planet" by Leftfield

Tick followed tock followed tick followed tock.

Hey, I don't care who you are - here's to your dream.

After I fell on me face a few times, I thought,

"Well, Ahab can stick his dream up his arse."

Argh!

'If God had meant people like me

'to go surfing, he wouldn't have made the Mersey so cold.

'I realised that surfing's just like my sex life.

'I get upright, eventually, but not for very long.'

That was great, that moment when I was able to stand up,

even though it was only for about 15 seconds.

You get a real sense of what Rusty's been on about.

You're...you're in.

You're in the water, you're, you're, you're... it's ace!

'I'm feeling really pleased with my seven seconds of surfing -

'until I look up and see a blonde bullet shoot across the waves.

'Kyuss King is just 12 years old

'and he's already an international surfing star.'

Kyuss!

See that, see that, that's what you do to surfers.

That's what we surfers do, that's...

I was just saying there, I thought you were good,

but you tend to lean back a little bit, you need to...

Mate, you were fantastic. How long have you been surfing?

Er, since I was two, I kind of just started surfing.

Does it help if you've got blonde hair?

Because I'm thinking of dying me hair

and growing it, cos I just think it will help me balance on the board.

Kind of like a flame or a streamer?

-Yeah, yeah, like a flame, yeah, yeah, that's what you got.

-Yeah.

Well, do you think I have to dye it?

-Cos I think I've got the teeth. We've got the same teeth.

-Chompers?

Yeah, you need the chompers for the balance.

But I just haven't got anything to weigh me hair back.

So what tips could you give somebody who's starting off surfing?

-You've just got to slow down a bit.

-Slow down?

-Yeah.

Take your time and get... get into it, like, patiently.

-Patiently?

-Yeah.

I'm being told to have patience by a 12-year-old!

That's never happened in all me life. Ha-ha!

Take care, mate.

Back home, we all need wellies

and pac-a-macs to get our kids outside, but here,

by the time they're six, Aussies are training to be lifeguards.

WHISTLE BLOWS

Are you ready? I'm going to join your club now.

-OK.

-What do I do?

-Pull it over and tie it up.

'The Junior Life-Saving Club, or Little Nippers,

'is an important part of beach life.'

First thing I want to ask - does everyone like doing this

or do you have to do it cos your mum and dad make you?

-No.

-I like it.

-I like it.

-You like it? Yeah.

-I like doing it...

-Except for 5:30 in the morning.

-5:30 in the morning?

-Yeah, that's...

-Who trains at 5:30?

-Everyone?!

-ALL: Yeah.

-And you have to do that to be part of the club?

-No.

-No.

-No.

-Oh, you just do it cos you want to?

-ALL: Yes.

You just sign up!

'I can't see my kids volunteering to get up at half five in the morning.

'But all Aussies love a competition, so, showing some true British grit,

'I thought I'd take them on at their own game.

'Just like they did with us at the cricket. Well, almost!'

This has got nothing to do with making friends.

This is to do with winning. This is all about victory this.

-Oh...

-In between.

-Right in the middle.

MAN: Spread out, guys, make some space.

THEY GIGGLE

I may not beat the under 14s, but under 9s, I think I've got a chance.

MAN: Competitors, ready!

Heads down. WHISTLE BLOWS

LAUGHTER AND CHATTER

GIRLS SHOUT, JOHN LAUGHS

Competitors, ready.

'There's nothing like beating eight-year-old girls in a race

'to boost your ego.

'But to beat the bigger ones,

'I knew I had to have something a little bit extra.'

Guys, come on!

'The reality is, even cheating, it didn't help.

'Next time, I'll need a jet ski.'

Jesus! I never even got out to them!

How mad was that?!

The facts are that three quarters of the population

who live in Australia live on this coast and you can see why.

Here, I think the quality of life

is measured by the time that people spend with each other.

Cos it's pretty clear from the kids with the parents there,

they spend a lot of time together, cos they're all outside together,

because this environment invites you outside, doesn't it?

'Before I leave Byron, there are some people I need to look up.

'In 1992, a lovely family took pity on me

'and took me into their home for a few nights.

'I became friends with Reg and Denise Miller and their son Tim,

'but I haven't seen them for over 20 years

'and I'm curious to what their first impression of me was back then.'

When I came in, you must have thought, "Who's this?"

-I mean, what did I look like to

-you, then? Really good.

-Yeah?

LAUGHTER

-Similar.

-You still look really good!

No, you look similar to what you look now.

-Yeah.

-You haven't changed at all. LAUGHTER

In those days, you were one of the boys that every mum would like, mate.

Aw, are you listening? Are you listening?

-"Every mum wants one."

-It's a public shaming!

Here, somebody told me

that you'd seen me on Graham Norton that time.

I did and that's when I went on Facebook!

I said, "John, is that you? Because this is Reg and Denise

"and we just saw you on Graham Norton."

But when you saw that, well, what did you think?

-Did you sort of...?

-I said, "Was he funny when we knew him?"

LAUGHTER

And Reg said... You said, "No, he wasn't that funny."

No, he wasn't that funny!

-He was bloody serious.

-He was serious.

-I was serious?

-Yeah.

-Well, I had...

-He was trying to raise money.

He was raising money and that's what appealed to us.

It's funny, because, like, cos I didn't choose to do that

as a career, and I never even thought of it,

so when I met yous, it was never even a feature in me life.

The life was just normal until,

-until I started doing stand-up...

-So what was the switch?

-I split up, me and Mandy split up.

-And you thought that was funny?

-No.

-LAUGHTER

Speaking to the Millers, it's made me realise

that it's a while since I've done any stand-up.

It's something that I really miss,

which is odd when you think about it, cos it's me day job.

I can't imagine that a plumber goes travelling

and then suddenly has the urge to go and service a boiler.

I'm heading 160km north to Brisbane, the last major city on the journey.

And also my last chance to do a gig.

"How you doing?" "Oh, pretty good!" "Well, that's good..."

The Sit Down Comedy Club is the best club in the city.

"I'm studying to be a vet!"

Is this your first time doing a gig in Australia?

-Never done a gig in Australia.

-All right, cool, yeah.

-Have you gigged abroad?

-Yeah, yeah, yeah, but not that often...

-Yeah.

-I've mostly played gigs in Australia.

-You're always...

-It's how to tune your ear in, innit?

-Yeah.

-So...

-That's why I want to watch the other two first.

-And also...

-As you're on stage, you go, "Wait, this is a local reference."

-Yeah.

As you say it, you go, "I'll plough through, I'm sure they'll get it."

-All right, good man, look forward to it.

-Yeah, cheers, mate.

-Cheers.

I don't know whether it'll work or not work.

I might completely die on me arse, er,

and, in some respects, it's nice to do it without any expectation.

So if I do a small gig in England now,

there's a bit more of an expectation

cos people know who you are. When nobody knows who you are,

you can just stand or fall on your own merit.

So I may find out tonight I'm actually shit.

He's visiting from the UK and he's a fantastic comic, so I want you

please to put your hands together and welcome on the stage

the fantastic Mr John Bishop, ladies and gentlemen, make some noise!

CHEERING

Thank you!

WHOOPING AND WHISTLING, A WOMAN CHATTERS

Were you the one they were telling to shut up?

-LAUGHTER

-By any chance?

LAUGHTER

What are you shouting at me like?

I'm better than Russell Brand?

LAUGHTER

I have to be honest with you, everyone here,

this is the first gig I've ever done in Australia.

And, er, I wasn't expecting that as the beginning.

LAUGHTER, SOMEONE WHOOPS

WHISTLING

I'm travelling up from Sydney up to Cairns,

and I've been in New South Wales.

And then I said I want to do a gig, I'm going up to Cairns

and everyone said, "Brisbane, that's your last hope."

LAUGHTER

"In Brisbane, you've got a chance. After that, it's six-finger city."

I'm actually riding a bike from Sydney to Cairns.

I am! I'm doing it and I did it, er, 22 years ago

and this time, I'm doing it again,

I wanted to see how the world was different. 22 years ago, I was 25,

I was single, I had optimism, joy, hope in me heart.

And now I've been married 20 years

and I'm just here cos I want some time on me own.

LAUGHTER

APPLAUSE

Er, ladies and gentlemen, seriously, this

is honestly the first gig I've ever done in Australia,

and I will tell you one thing, and I do mean it,

I haven't met an Australian, well, up till now,

-I haven't met an Australian...

-LAUGHTER

..that I didn't like, erm...

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

You've been wonderful, thank you. God willing, I'll see you again.

Good night and God bless. Thank you.

CHEERING

Oh, it was great. I feel a little bit more connected now.

You know, it's like anything, if you make strangers laugh,

you feel more connected to them.

Some references that I thought, "That obviously didn't work,"

and so I was changing things mid-sentence.

But, you know, that's part of the job, innit?

Each day, I feel more and more connected to this country.

Next morning, I head out to explore around Brisbane.

It's a modern multicultural city

that apparently has the largest Aboriginal population in Australia.

Brisbane looks different than I remember - busier, bigger.

I'm interested in finding out where, you know, where members

of the Aboriginal community see their place in this modern society.

SINGING AND CHANTING

'I've been invited to the birthday party

'of Jaido, who's two years old today.

'His mother, Mundonara, comes from a politically active family

'who are campaigning to improve Aboriginal rights.'

Most people come to the city

and they usually don't meet Aboriginal people, you know.

-People think we're, we're, you know, living in Alice Springs.

-Yeah.

Well, this is the thing, like, on the way up, on the journey up,

the people that we've met and spoke to about Aboriginal culture

have had a very conciliatory view of it. It seems to have been,

a lot of things went wrong, a lot of things were done bad,

but we need to move forward. and I've been surprised.

What do you get out of being angry? Do you know what I mean?

It takes a lot more energy to do good things,

so put your good energy and make some good things happen.

APPLAUSE AND CHEERING

'Thanks to people like Mundonara, things are getting better,

'but even now, an Aboriginal child born today

'is expected to live ten years less than a non-indigenous child.

'Mundonara's father, Tiger, is a tribal elder who has

'dedicated his life to creating a better future for his people.'

I try to come without preconceived ideas, but then, you start

having a little... It doesn't take you very long to see

the disparity in the life that most Aboriginal people live to most...

-to most white...

-We make up 3% of the population.

We don't have any economic power. We have no political power.

And we don't have the numbers.

So we can scream and yell from the tops of the buildings,

to no avail, generally. No-one listens.

I mean, this is the thing, as you say, like today,

3% of the population means that, in reality, you wouldn't normally

-expect 3% of a population to get a voice in any society.

-Exactly.

But 200 years ago, you were 100% of the population.

-And that...

-We ran this country. We ran this country!

We had our own... societal structures.

We had international agreements for trade before the British got here.

We ran this country not all that long ago.

So it's that recognition of our people.

What would you say is the most important step that can be done now?

-Cos we can't turn the clock back, so...

-We can't turn the clock back.

And we're not saying, "Turn the clock back," but we're saying,

-"There's a lot of lessons can be learnt from our people."

-Yeah.

"We've been here since the first sun rose and shone,

"let's sit down and talk."

'This is a dialogue that's going to become

'more and more important over time.

'According to recent research, the Aboriginal population will grow

'from 670,000 to over a million people in the next 20 years.

'This next generation will need to make their voices heard.'

Your son today is two.

How do you think the world will be for him over the next 20 years?

That's, er... that's a beautiful question.

For these kids here, they will learn,

without even being told, how to make good society.

We encourage our kids to mix in with other kids,

We don't even look at other kids as black, white or yellow, you know.

I think, if everyone had the opportunity to learn

from our elders, they would gain an understanding of our culture,

-of Aboriginal logic...

-Hm.

Aboriginal philosophy, Aboriginal history.

It's like, "OK, you do this, but why do you do that?"

It's like why - why we're like this. Why do we share?

Why is family important? Why is land important?

Everything that you could think of that makes us who we are,

that's something we could teach non-indigenous people.

That's what's missing in society. That's what I have hope towards.

'It's a complicated situation and a visitor like me

'can't just walk into it and pretend to fully understand it.

'But during this trip, I've learnt so much more about it.'

Do you want to swap with her?

'The Aboriginals now have a voice they didn't have before.

'And the future for Jaido and the other children

'does seem a little bit brighter now.'

I've come up here on me way out of Brisbane to get this view.

Just beyond Brisbane there, that's going flat and hotter and harder.

In many respects,

we're getting close to the real Australia going north.

One thing that I learnt last time is that Australia is massive.

The whole of the UK would fit into Queensland more than seven times.

So to move on to where I want go to next, I need more than a bicycle.

I'm travelling to Fraser Island,

a World Heritage Site that's 200km north of Brisbane,

and accessible only by ferry over shark-infested waters.

Yes, that's right - shark-infested waters!

Always wanted to say that.

I'm going to Fraser Island because when I went north last time,

everywhere... every backpacker I met,

everyone I'd spoke to about travelling north said to me,

"Did you stop off at Fraser Island?" and I didn't.

Er, so I wanted to do it for that reason,

but also because it's the largest sand island in the world.

Wow, look at that. That is amazing, though, innit?

If I was asked to design my own perfect desert island,

Fraser would be it. It's made up of more sand than the Sahara, which has

been blown here by thousands of years of winds and tides.

It's got 250km of beautiful beaches

that are flanked by spectacularly colourful cliffs.

It's got rainforest and over 100 freshwater lakes.

It's a bit like the Isle of Man. Well...

it's surrounded by water at least.

Oh, wow, look at that.

This is a proper barren landscape, innit?

I'm actually driving on the official highway of Fraser Island Beach.

It's 75 miles long and has an official speed limit, although,

to be honest, with dingoes on one side and the tide on the other,

you're not going to go that mad.

Wow!

When you see that, that's when you feel like you're a long way from home.

It's just staggering, innit?

Now, this is brilliant. This is typical Australia.

Look at that, that's an Aussie way to deal with tourists.

It's the cliff edge, if you fall off, it's your own fault.

If this was England, there'd be a barrier there, wouldn't there?

And there'd be big warning signs.

And you'd have to get a certificate to walk up.

In Australia, it's just, "You fall off, mate,

"your own fault, you're a dickhead."

'And even the scientists here are more gung-ho.

'Fraser expert Professor Jamie Shulmeister

'has been airdropped onto the island to meet me.'

Australians are very privileged people, they're, they're...

We have the nicest beaches in the world, and they're also

a beautiful temperature. And if you get over the, er,

-pommy fear of snakes and spiders...

-JOHN LAUGHS

..and sharks, erm, there's actually very little in Australia

that's going to do you too much harm.

The scariest thing that I've seen is a koala with chlamydia.

JAMES LAUGHS

'As well as having an academic interest in Fraser Island,

'Jamie's a great enthusiast for the beauty of the place,

'so he's taking me to some of his favourite spots.'

-So you said this is called Red Canyon?

-Yeah.

And I've brought you here, because this is one of the

nice spots on the island to see the different coloured sand.

What strikes me about it is the sheer quality of the colour.

The colours represent the minerals that are

present in there, and we've got a rainbow range of colours.

But there are really two minerals that are doing most of the work,

and those two minerals are iron, and, as you'll know yourself,

if you've got a piece of iron and it rusts, it goes red.

-Yeah, like the shipwreck.

-Like the shipwreck just down the beach.

And the other dominant mineral is aluminium

and the colour of weathering of aluminium is yellow.

-That's staggering, isn't it?

-Yeah.

'Moving from the beach to the other side of Fraser Island,

'there's an ancient rainforest growing out the sand.

'This place is like having a conversation with your nan -

'you never really know what's coming up next!'

So, as you can see here, this looks like a regular forest

and just a regular place, but we're still on top of a dune.

This is one of the old dunes and we've got fully grown forest here.

-How old would the trees be?

-Well...

-Cos some of them look really big.

Yeah, some of the biggest ones will be several hundred years old.

What we're leading down to now is Lake Boomanjin.

A pretty spectacular body of water for a lake inside a dune field.

-And as you can see, it's a huge...

-It's massive!

It's a pretty huge lake, eh?

'This lake is the largest of its type in the world,

'made up entirely of trapped rainwater,

'which has took thousands of years to accumulate.

'It's just like a giant puddle, really. If it was in England,

'they could have filled it in a bank holiday weekend!'

So this would have started out as an area between some large dunes

and that initially wouldn't have had any water in it.

And if we have a look here,

we can see that there's all this organic soup in here and...

-Yeah, you can see the mixture.

-You can see that organic mix.

And this material basically

blocks the drainage at the bottom of the lake

and that's what actually, er, allows the lake to sit here indefinitely.

-So it's like a big organic plug?

-Absolutely.

'As far as puddles go,

'Lake Boomanjin's going to take some beating.

'However, Jamie's told me about a nearby oasis

'that's perfect for a dip.

'It's also, by the time I get there, completely empty.'

This is Lake Wabby down there

and, er, and where I'm going to go for a swim.

So I haven't got a costume, I've got a pair of shorts,

I haven't got a towel, I've got a sweatshirt,

cos I've come completely unprepared. I'm like a proper backpacker.

'This journey to Australia has already allowed me

'to achieve a few personal ambitions.

'This is another one.

'Not doing a moony on the BBC!

'But going swimming naked in a freshwater oasis.'

Oh! Oh, beautiful!

# I'm headed for a land that's far away

# Beside the crystal fountain Some come with me... #

Beautiful. This is beautiful fresh water.

It's so refreshing,

and to think it's been here for thousands of years...

People have been doing this for decades and decades and decades.

Coming here, getting their cock out, going for a swim.

Now that I've had my naturist moment,

I'm heading 250km up the coast

to the town of Gladstone

in the industrial heartland of Northern Australia.

Thanks to a mining boom, this is now one of the largest ports

in the country. In many respects, it reminds me of Liverpool.

GENERAL CHATTER

I want find out how this expansion has affected

the lives of ordinary Aussies.

So I'm going for a tour of the harbour with the local man made good, Adam Bolton.

-Adam. Good to meet you, mate, I'm John. Good stuff.

-Come on aboard.

-Thanks for having us on board.

-No worries.

-If you need me to drive, just let me know!

-Yeah, no worries.

All right, Shelby.

29-year-old Adam runs a successful business ferrying workers to

and from the new industrial plants on Curtis Island.

He started with one boat, but now has a fleet of them.

I've been going since 2008, set up business as a one-man band then.

-That was you?

-That was just me.

-You were the one man in the band.

I was, I was the one man in the band.

Er, one man, one boat, and we've grown from there.

So when you say you've grown from that, how big are you now?

Er, currently, we've got 12 boats of our own,

and there's 25 that we manage and operate.

In 22 years, it seems to have exploded. It didn't look this busy.

Very much so.

How often is something like that arriving into the port?

Probably got about 20 of them sitting out the front at the moment waiting to come in.

These giant tankers come from all over the world to ship

minerals such as coal and aluminium

that are being mined from all over Northern Australia.

It's a huge business.

What's interesting is this... this is what me dad

would have been doing when he was working on the tugs.

Pushing the big ships in.

That's what's so interesting about Gladstone to me,

cos it feels a lot like Liverpool, really.

It's a proper shipping town with a shipping history.

This is really as big as it gets, isn't it?

At the heart of this boom is a 70 billion

development on Curtis Island.

Like Fraser, this island is a heritage-listed marine park,

but in 2009, there was controversy

when a quarter of it was rezoned for industrial use.

11,000 workers were employed to build three gas refineries -

just a stone's throw from the Great Barrier Reef.

Everything had to be brought to the island,

from gravel, er, pylons, steel...

And as far as the local community goes, is everybody happy with

the environmental impact of having something like this, then?

Of course not. Yeah, not everyone's happy about it.

Personally, yes, it has impacted the environment...

You've seen it, or...?

Let's not put our heads in the sand, they've undertaken

the biggest dredging project in the southern hemisphere.

27 million tonnes of soil

and rock and stuff had to be removed.

They have cleared some land and animals will be displaced.

There is an environmental impact.

-However, the biggest concern is there was three built, three plants built.

-Yeah.

It's not like there's one, they've come along

and put one plant in, they've turned around and built three.

I think everything Adam said was sensible and honest,

and you've got to look at it from his point of view.

A young man living here whilst this boom's going on, he's

making the most of a life for him and his family, and the difficulty

with balancing the environmental concerns that everyone's got.

Where your own concern is making a good life for yourself,

it's always going to be difficult.

THUNDER RUMBLES

The next day, I'm back in the saddle.

Moving north, I'm getting closer and closer to tropical Australia...

and the rain arrives.

THUNDER RUMBLES

Come on!

HE LAUGHS

Come on! YES!

Flat tyre.

It's the gravel, isn't it? I hit the gravel going too fast, I think.

And then, er, pop.

Bike mechanics by John Bishop.

Going to be late for me supper!

Every man knows... if you've got a little pump,

it takes a lot more to get anything done.

Look at it!

HE WHISTLES

I'm now heading to Coowonga, over 1,500 kilometres away from Sydney,

and deep into the heart of Queensland.

This is a tough part of the country and it breeds tough people.

Come on!

I'm going to meet one of the toughest of all of them...

-Come on, girlie, come on.

-..a real-life Crocodile Dundee.

Hup, come on, come on!

John Lever fell in love with saltwater crocodiles

when he lived with the remote crocodile tribe in Papua New Guinea.

By the early '70s, salties had been hunted to near extinction

in Australia, and so John decided to dedicate his life to saving them.

He and his son now run tours of their farm

to help promote conservation.

Come on! Keep comin'.

That's MASSIVE.

It's just Australian, innit? You know what I mean?

If this was Chester Zoo, I'm not sure they'd be doing that.

Up here, boy, look up here.

Good boy!

-John.

-How are you?

-Nice to meet you!

-Whoa, bloody hell!

-What's the matter?!

I didn't know that was here. Look at that!

I thought you had nerves of steel. What's the matter?

This is a girl.

That's her mate, Pete.

Erm, he's a croc I caught on a public boat ramp at Townsville...

He was... He was what, on a public boat ramp?

Well, he was approaching people when they put the boats in the water

-and people were getting nervous, so they, er...

-Really? I wonder why(!)

Yeah! So the government asked me to go and catch him

and take him away, which I did.

And when I hit him with the harpoon,

next thing I see a pair of open jaws coming straight for my head lamp.

Threw myself back in the boat - in preservation mode, of course -

landed on the anchor and got four cracked ribs at the back

-which were painful for about three months.

-Oh, I can imagine.

-Yes.

How much would he weigh?

Oh, around about 450, maybe 500 kilos.

-500 kilos...

-Yeah.

-..and he's kept in by this?

-Yeah.

You could buy this from B&Q.

Will he be focused on me? Cos he's not moved since I arrived.

His heartbeat, at the moment, might only be two or three beats a minute.

-Yeah?

-When he wants to get into action, it goes like that

-up to 200 beats a minute.

-No way!

Yeah, and he's got that instant energy.

But he's a nice croc, good temperament.

Yeah, he seems it, lovely.

-You know what, it's amazing.

-That's your first time...?

-CROCODILE HISSES

-Oh!

That obvious... That obviously is, cos you got too close, yeah.

'Most of the crocodiles in these pens

'have been personally rescued by John.'

This is our monster croc.

5.3m long, 850 kilos.

Took us three months to catch that crocodile.

'John spent the last 20 years driving round the country saving

'crocodiles that otherwise would have been shot.'

They rang me up and said, "Please, come and get it, it's yours."

And I drove 3,200km to Jabiru,

picked the crocodile up and drove it back here.

In what, in a specialised container?

Nothing special, I got a Transit van over there.

I just bunged him in the back of that.

-You put him in the back of a Transit van?

-Yeah, yeah.

Serious, are you joking?

HE LAUGHS No, I'm not joking.

And then I had him in a cage in the back of the Transit van,

and at night, I have my mattress on top of the cage,

so I go to sleep on top of the crocodile in the cage.

That would have been fantastic if someone had robbed your car.

-Car thieves...

-"Surprise!"

-..that would have been the perfect thing.

'John supports his conservation work with a breeding programme.

'He buys in eggs which he uses to stock his farm.'

-BABY CROCODILES SQUEAK

-Oh!

-This is what it's all about. The eggs is the start of it.

-Oh!

Now, you can handle him very gently, OK?

If he bites you, don't be alarmed,

he won't take a finger off or anything. But they...

-SQUEAKING CONTINUES

-The noise of them!

Yeah. That's the stress call, that's calling to Mum and Dad.

Aren't they fabulous?

-I mean, these are just baby dinosaurs. Look at them.

-Yeah.

At what point do their teeth become mature enough to cut?

Ah, he's hard enough now, erm, but he wouldn't do much damage.

-See the bottom part of the belly there?

-Yeah.

That's the umbilical scar just there,

-and in the trade, that's the front of the handbag.

-Right.

That's its thumbprint, yeah. Good stuff.

'Did he say "handbag"?'

-Where are we going now?

-These are the grow-out pens.

-The grow-out pens?

-They go from incubator as an egg, to the hatchery

-as a little baby croc, and then we end up with, er...

-Oh!

..crocs this size.

These are two to three years of age.

As you can see, these are nearly ready for skinning.

Near... Sorry, say that again - "these are nearly ready for skinning"?

Skinning, yeah.

The crocs we actually harvest are around...

1.6 to 2 metres long.

What we're looking for is a nice belly skin,

not the rough part on the back, that's used for belts only.

So we, er, we take the skin off round that way, off the animal.

And a crocodile of that size, what would you make from that?

Oh, you'd get a smallish handbag, you wouldn't get

a big tote or anything like that, but you'd get a purse,

you'd get a few...about eight wallets, ten wallets out of that.

'Before anything is turned into a wallet,

'it first of all has to be killed.'

-Now, this is the next stage for you to see.

-Yeah.

OK.

And you see the size of them - around about 1.8m long.

Beautiful skins, not a blemish on them, and that's what we gotta get,

otherwise the industry doesn't want them.

They don't want second grade skins, they want first grade only.

So what we do is run a knife up there and right along

underneath the tail, this whole back part is taken off of the crocodile,

and then you're left with the belly skin and that's then taken off.

-Hm.

-Hm.

-Oh...

Got to be honest, I wasn't expecting to see that

when I woke up this morning.

There you go, you don't look too happy about it.

No, I'll be honest with you, it-it's...

As a vegetarian, the reason I became a vegetarian is

because I used to work in a hamburger shop, and I had to go

and collect the meat off the farmer that was producing it.

And I walked into a room, not dissimilar to this,

with a cow carcass hanging on it, and it was immediate, I just went,

"I'm not going to eat that ever again."

And this is the first time I've been in a similar facility.

This is the realistic part of farming.

This is...as you say, it's farming.

It's farming. It's... I guess, what farming is.

'It's hard for me to get my head around the concept that you can

'save an animal by turning it into a luxury item like a handbag.'

Before, when we were watching the crocs outside and the tour

with the tourists, it was kind of these...

-These are a... There was almost a conservation feel to it.

-Yeah.

It was like these are animals...

But this is, this is... It's conservation through commerce.

You can't get away from it - this is the best example

in the world on how you commercialise an animal to save it.

A lot of the property owners, years ago, we used to shoot

all their crocodiles, because they had no commercial value.

All right? I'm talking about cattle properties

-with 10km of river flowing through their property.

-Yeah.

And they had a crocodile population they wanted to get rid of.

And all of a sudden they found out the eggs were worth money,

and they wanted their crocodile population back again.

-It's quite clear from talking to you, you're very passionate about them.

-Mm.

That love of the animal and then moving it to the next step

of harvesting the animal, how do you equate those two things?

Oh, because I'm so convinced that conservation through commerce works.

Because my passion is not for the individual croc,

my passion is for the survival of the species.

It might make me feel uncomfortable, but John seems to have found

a way to save the saltwater crocodiles from extinction,

and at least Australia's iconic animal is no longer under threat.

Just a stone's throw from the croc farm is Rockhampton,

the beef capital of Australia.

If I didn't know where I was, I could easily believe

I was in Wild West America,

with girls riding round on horses and cowboys lining the streets.

As a vegetarian, it feels odd being in a place that produces more

meat than anywhere else, but I'm about to step into the lion's den.

I'm going to meet the biggest beef baron in Australia, Graeme Acton.

I couldn't feel more exposed.

'I feel like I'm about to walk up

'and take a penalty at Old Trafford in my underpants.'

-John.

-G'day, John.

-How are you?

-Graeme, this is my wife, Jenny.

-Hello, John.

-Hello, Jenny, how are you?

-Good, thanks, nice to meet you.

-Welcome to paradise in Rockhampton,

the beef capital of the world.

Would you like a cup of tea?

Definitely, 100%. It's been a hot, sticky, dusty ride.

'Graeme Acton and his brother Evan head up a business empire

'that's reportedly worth around 500 million.'

So what's your family heritage, what brought them to here first?

Well, my grandfather came from... Great-grandfather came from Ireland,

County Mayo in Ireland, in 1862, and settled, would you believe,

about 20km to the southeast of us, where we sit today.

In English terms, this is huge.

How much land do you own?

Oh, we own at least somewhere around four million acres.

-JOHN LAUGHS

-All in Queensland.

Can I just...? So, four million acres, that's probably Scotland.

That's massive!

Oh, it's not quite as big as Scotland, but...

So now you've got four million acres,

how big was your holding 30 years ago?

-80,000 acres.

-Really?

Yeah.

For more than 40 years, Graeme has worked seven days a week to

buy more land and grow his business.

His operation now is so big that the only way

he can keep track of all of his cattle is by helicopter.

Graeme wants to show me his prize herd, but first I'm

joining his son-in-law, Ben, for some cattle mustering, Aussie style.

I have been up in a helicopter,

but I've never chased a cow in a helicopter.

A slightly different experience.

Ben.

-Hi, John.

-Hi, mate.

-How you going?

-Thanks for having me.

-Very good.

-Jesus, I've filled it, Ben!

-Nice and cosy.

I've never been in any flying craft before that I can stick me

-hand out of both windows.

-THEY CHUCKLE

Great. Seriously picks up and you're away.

Ben spends most days flying Graeme around his various cattle stations.

This one spans 150,000 acres and has 12,000 cattle on it.

Wow, I mean, I just didn't realise how many there was.

Yeah, there's a lot of cattle in this paddock.

-What are we flying at now? What height, about ten feet?

-Yeah.

Ben's herding cattle into different paddocks according to age and size.

A bit like One Man And His Dog,

but actually more like One Man And His Chopper,

which I know sounds like an entirely different show.

Pretty neat job when you get to do this all day, every day.

'Back at the ranch, I get the opportunity to fulfil

'a childhood dream.

'I'm going to be a cowboy, that is if I can get on me horse.'

-There we go.

-Wrong side, wrong side!

-Wrong side.

-Oh, wrong side?

Getting on a horse is like getting in a car.

You don't drive from the passenger side, do you?

The first thing you gotta do, put your reins around.

Get a good bloody hold there like that,

put your bloody left leg in there, put your knee in the shoulder,

get a bit of spring up... And I'm starting to lose a bit of my spring.

You probably will when you get to my age, too!

All right.

-This is a crocodile saddle.

-And is this...?

And you should be very proud of yourself, because the Prime Minister

of Australia has rode in that saddle and the Premier of Queensland.

So I'm going to put my arse where the Prime Minister of Australia...

THEY LAUGH

-I never thought...

-This way a bit now.

-Foot like that, yeah?

-Yeah, and hold this here first.

Oh, yeah, hold that, yeah.

Hold that, grab the other side, that's right, and now swing on.

-Hey!

-There he goes.

-There you are.

-How's that?

You know what? This is all I've ever wanted to do -

be a cowboy, rustling cattle.

All right.

Kick in a bit with your heels.

How far is Texas?

There we go, go on.

There we go.

-There we go, hey!

-Go on.

He is massive.

As far as all of these, these cattle goes, he's the daddy.

The bull is the sire, he's the sire of all those calves you see there.

-Yeah.

-70 is about the maximum herd number for a bull.

There we go, hey!

I don't eat meat, I haven't eaten meat for 27 years.

Well, you should be ashamed of yourself, John, not eating meat!

-No, I...

-It's the most sought-after protein in the world, red meat.

It's just more for me. I just don't see the point of killing

something to eat it, unless you need to.

I don't... My kids eat meat... My wife doesn't, my kids eat meat.

I've got no problem with people who do cos it's their choice.

And I've never missed the taste, but would these produce

a different taste to other meats? They're more...

-Australian meat is, er, renowned for its flavour.

-Yeah.

Because 80% of Australian meat is developed off the bloody, er...

-grown out on the wide open spaces on the pastures.

-Yeah.

And it has a very distinct flavour.

Although I can't see myself tucking into one of Graeme's steaks

any time soon, I still really like this idea of being a cowboy.

This kind of thing, as far as the mass production of meat, is

not something that I would normally place myself in the middle of, but...

I wish you wouldn't keep talking about being a vegetarian.

I'm going to get into a fair bit of trouble about this with my mates!

THEY LAUGH

Rockhampton is a city of contrast,

and as well as being the beef capital of Australia,

it's also home to the Kendrick Tucker Velodrome,

named after its cycling champion, Kendrick Tucker.

I'm here to meet Russell and Alan,

who last time I was here got me completely plastered after

I'd walked into their bicycle shop looking for some repairs.

All I remember is that we went for a quick drink,

then I ended up on the stage singing.

'I haven't seen them since, which, to be fair,

'may say a lot about my voice.'

-Russell, Alan.

-How are you, John?

-Long time, no see.

-Hey, how are you, buddy?

-I'm very good, how are you?

-How are you, John?

-How are you? Very good, yeah.

-Hey.

You're looking well. You look nearly the same!

You've got THAT! Where did that come from?!

If you recall, me back wheel had gone,

-so that's why I had to come to the shop.

-We fixed it up and then...

And then you took me out somewhere to some bar

where a band was playing.

It was the only night during that whole trip that I got drunk.

-We're going to have a beer tonight?

-Yeah, yeah, yeah.

There's some awesome racing just on.

Well, they've got me on to have a go of that fastest lap.

Oh, fabulous!

You can tell by the lads' reaction that they don't really think

I'll be very good at this.

That was the under-17 girls.

The under-17 girls.

Next up, the hot lap - six men trying to be

the fastest around the Kendrick Tucker Velodrome.

The hot lap event comprises of two circuits behind the pacemaker

who, in this case, is actually Kendrick himself.

After that, you put your head down

and pedal like mad for your final lap.

I've borrowed a bike, so I'm going to give it the best shot I can.

I've never ridden behind a motorbike this close before,

so I've got to be careful.

To be honest, I'm quite glad that me teeth are insured.

Then I get me head down and put in a proper British performance.

In front of an excited crowd...

..I come last.

So I'm off now to drown me sorrows with the boys.

LAUGHTER

What I remember is, we went to that bar and, er,

-what was the bar called, you said...

-Was it the Criterion?

-The Criterion.

-The Rockfors were playing.

-Yeah, the Rockfors, your mates were playing.

-Yeah, yeah, yeah.

And then you, I'm sure it was you who went up on the stage and said,

-"We've got someone here from Liverpool."

-Yeah.

And they must have thought, the Beatles are from there, everyone can sing.

And I knew something was wrong cos when I got to the microphone,

the guitarist just came up to me and said, "What key?"

And I went, "I don't know. Let's just do our best."

And then I started singing, there was a dance floor

full of people and then they all left.

And then, when they realised I was bad, they all just came back on.

It was brilliant, and that was probably...

That experience made me want to be on stage.

LAUGHTER

It was nice to say good night to Russell and Alan,

without being booed off stage again.

Today is my last day in Rockhampton and I'm going to go and experience

something that's quite unique to this town.

It's a full cowboy experience, and for many, a rite of passage.

I'm attending a rodeo... that's in a pub.

I've always wanted to attend a rodeo.

But this was a lot less fun than I imagined.

I thought it would have been big blokes in leather chaps

screaming yahoo!

But there's really young kids here being thrown around the ring.

I want to get me head around it all,

so I'm going to head to the warm-up area and talk to the boys.

All right, mate, what's that?

-Shoulder.

-Shoulder, is that an injury?

-Yeah.

-So are these your boys?

-Er, this little fellow is.

-Yeah.

-And young Brad over there...

-Hi, I'm John.

..in the purple shirt as well. He rides on our team and...

THEY MUTTER

Brad, then I shook his hands, he's got tape all over him. Is that...?

-He got out of plaster six days ago, he broke his elbow.

-Six days ago?

He broke his elbow just before Christmas here at the same arena.

And he's limp... You're limping as well.

As a dad, I'm not sure I'd want my kids to do this.

To me, it just looks lethal.

But perhaps people here have a different attitude to danger than I do.

Hi, big man, I'm John.

-What's your name?

-Tyler.

-How long have you been riding?

-Er, about a year now.

-And how old are you?

-11.

-11.

So when you were ten years of age,

-you were put on a steer to start bucking?

-Yeah.

And what made you want to do it?

Following in my father's footsteps.

Why, does your dad do it?

-Have you ever been hurt?

-Er, yeah.

Yeah, what's the worst one that you've had?

Get stood on in the nuts.

You got stood on in the nuts?

So how far do you think you can go?

Oh, how far can I go?

Yeah, so do you think you could get to America?

Oh, probably not.

-No?

-Afraid of flying.

JOHN LAUGHS

How can you be afraid of aeroplanes and still get on a bull?

Tyler seems OK with everything around him,

but he's grown up in this world.

Back at the gates, the teenagers are up next.

The adrenaline's pumping now.

They're like gladiators preparing for combat.

-Hey, I don't blame him doing that.

-Why not?

He's jumping on a bull that big, I'd be jumping all over the place!

BULL MOOS

How old are you, lad?

-16.

-16.

-And how long have you been doing it?

-Since I was nine.

-Have you?

So is this... How far are you away from the adult bulls now?

I could get on them now if I wanted to, yeah.

At home, I've got a 16-year-old son.

I couldn't imagine standing there and watching him getting on a bull.

-Mate, are you OK?

-Yeah, I'm good.

Unbelievable!.

What happened, just slipped out your hand?

Yeah, it just didn't...

As he went round, I just like stayed in the middle.

-Yeah.

-And I should have cracked back that way.

So what you're supposed to do is, when he moves, go back?

-Yeah, just go with him.

-Yeah.

So when will you be riding bulls again?

As soon as I can.

When I came to Australia, I wasn't expecting to see anything like this.

It's an Australia that most of us wouldn't recognise.

It's a tough environment where young men have to be hard to survive.

Whilst I'm watching one of the final events,

a young lad gets thrown and is very badly hurt.

Is he OK?

-Is he OK?

-Yeah.

I saw him come off, it was a hell of a bounce.

He stepped on him.

What's that? He stepped on him.

How are you feeling?

-Shit.

-Shit. How old are you?

-15.

-15?

-Do you worry about him when he's doing it?

-Yeah.

-Do you do it yourself?

-Yeah.

How long did you do it for?

-26 years.

-Really?

But it gives you a hell of a battering.

-What's the thrill of it?

-It's just the challenge of it.

It's a bit like, why would you be a boxer, you know what I mean?

-Yeah.

-Like, why get your head punched in, you know,

it doesn't matter what happens,

-you know you'll get punched in the head.

-Tough game, isn't it?

Today's been a bit of an education because in many respects

it's been filled with things that I'm not really keen on,

like I'm a vegetarian, I'm against cruel sports,

I don't like, um...you know, I don't like industrial farming,

I don't like using animals for entertainment.

But it's a cultural thing

and I think that's what we've got to remember.

Now we've come to Queensland, we've seen a bit more

of the Australian life that I guess I would have lived

if I'd have been born in Australia.

You know, I don't think I would have been a blonde kid on a beach in Byron Bay.

I think my family and our history and our working-class roots,

we'd have been in Gladstone working on the docks

or would have been here or would have been working on a farm.

You know, for these people, this is their way of life

and I may not completely agree with it,

but I think I'd be a little bit wrong to judge it.

Next time, I head further north into the tropics

and discover an Australia that's both wild and ancient.

-That's Jurassic Park, isn't it?

-It is.

Heads up.

Fuck off!

-Have you seen that?!

-That's a bloody snake.

Shortly after filming,

Graeme Acton was thrown from his horse and sadly died.