Episode 3 John Bishop's Australia

'Ladies and gentlemen, Mr John Bishop!'

When I was 25,

long before I ever thought of being a comedian,

I walked away from a good job, from my girlfriend, Melanie,

and set off on the greatest adventure of my life.

I rode a bicycle up the east coast of Australia,

from Sydney up to Cairns.

I was doing it for charity but I had another reason too.

I'd only come here because

I didn't want the commitment of getting married.

You know, that felt like growing up -

this was my last big adventure.

22 years later, I've recreated that journey

and now I'm on the final leg.

My time in Australia is running out,

so I'm packing in every experience that I can.

I want to see the things I missed

and I want to have a little bit of fun,

and I also want to see how Australia's changed.

This programme contains some strong language.

So far, I've travelled more than 2,000km,

from the modern metropolis of Sydney

to the rodeo town of Rockhampton.

Now I'm deep in tropical Northern Australia.

The country is getting wilder,

and the rain makes me think of cycling in England with me mates.

However, I've got to be honest, this rain's warm -

it's a bit like a shower.

In fact, if I had some soap, I could wash while I ride

and get off cleaner than when I got on.

It's so muggy I can barely breathe,

but the Australian Army see this as the perfect environment

to train its troops for battle.

I'm on my way to Townsville,

a tough garrison town in the heart of Queensland.

This base is home to the 3rd Brigade,

and they've invited me to train with them for the day.

How do you do it? Is it a technique?

-You sit down and put the straps on.

-And then what?

And then stand up. I'll give you a hand up.

Oh, hang on, I've got to get up myself.

I've got to do what you do.

It's like carrying a fridge on your back.

So you're just going to pick it up now and make me look like a wuss,

-aren't you?

-Yeah, pretty much.

SOLDIER LAUGHS

All right, I could have done that.

I could have done that, it's just that, you know, I don't make him...

Don't want to embarrass him. Thanks, mate.

The Australian Army has a reputation

for producing soldiers of a very high calibre.

Troops from the 3rd Brigade

have served in Gallipoli, Vietnam, Rwanda and Afghanistan.

All right, mate, all right. I'm John.

-John, pleased to meet you. How you going?

-All right.

Do you think there's a difference between English men or Aussie men?

That's a question for the ladies.

So are you an Aussie man? So do you wax your chest?

Well, you've got your metrosexuals in this army,

as with any other army,

but, you know, that's in time with the ages.

Everyone's waxing things. Waxing's the new shaving, I think.

-Oh, really?

-Yeah.

-I didn't... You know what,

that's the last thing I was expecting when I walked over here - we'd get into a waxing chat.

Regardless of man-scaping techniques,

the entire battalion is up at 6am, taking the commander's fitness test.

Every soldier must pass, or face disciplinary action.

I think I'm a bit out me depth. Hello, sir, I'm John.

-How you going?

-All right, mate.

-Good to meet you.

The humidity is so heavy that I was sweating standing still.

Just doing this warm-up is killing me.

It's a Strictly Come Dancing shimmy

before we get on to the real hard stuff.

The man stuff!

Sit-ups - not easy.

And then the press-ups.

This is where I felt good, look.

I'm beating the younger lads.

I'm either brilliant or I stink.

I never held out hope for the rope.

And I've got a new technique that I know will catch on -

if you can't pull up, make your chin grow.

OK.

I got three, just.

And then after all that,

we had to endure a gruelling road run,

wearing full kit and carrying a replica gun,

which you'd think I'd nicked off an eight-year-old.

It's a hard way to start a day -

running in a sauna

and being shouted at by a man in tiny shorts.

Get your knees up, come on!

HE PANTS

All right! God work.

So did I pass?

-A-pass for his age bracket.

-Yeah, OK, well done.

-That'll do.

-A-pass on the run.

-That's not bad.

And in terms of...middle-aged, English comedians...

-Right?

-..where do I rank as being suitable for your...

Oh, I reckon you done pretty well. We encourage diversity, and, er...

And you're right at home, I reckon, yeah.

I've got cousins in the forces in England,

and one of the things that struck me immediately

is it's all about your mates. You know, like, all the politics,

everything else seems to fade. It's always about your mates.

Absolutely, and that makes you...

Yeah, that's what gets the soldiers through the harder times,

and particularly in operations when things can be very difficult.

You know, that's what it's all about -

those small teams coming together and looking after one another.

That unique bond created between soldiers often lasts a lifetime.

I've come to the other side of town to meet a bunch of veterans

bound together by their love of motorcycles.

They meet in their clubhouse, which they call a bunker.

You can see why.

Right up to arriving here,

I wasn't certain that these men would talk to us.

60,000 Australians fought in the Vietnam War,

coming home to a nation that reviled them.

So Cowboy, Mongrel and the boys formed The Biker Band Of Brothers.

Personally, I spent years trying to drop the shutter on it.

I didn't want to even remember the place.

I hated it - everything about it wasn't good.

And then I found this club,

and this is the best thing that ever happened to me.

Because I thought it was just me.

And then I ran into mates

that were having the same experience as me.

How can you be...at war one minute,

and then, like, you fly home

and all of a sudden...

you're back in civilian life

where everything's politically correct?

A kid screams and the next thing you know, you're...

You're on edge, because when you're in a war zone,

in a battle or...

You know, you hear people scream -

you can't get that out of your head, you know.

I've seen on the board there, the...

The coffin lid with the names of some of the members

that have died recently.

They've been members of this chapter.

Sometimes they commit suicide.

The Vietnam veterans who have done this

have been years down the track.

Yeah.

And they haven't got over it,

or something's triggered them

and they...

They just, er, top themselves.

We don't sit here and talk about all the bad things.

We sit here and laugh about the good things.

We were bike-riding people, we had a common bond -

it was Vietnam.

So it was up the establishment, up the government,

up everybody that didn't like us - we didn't like them either.

'The lads have invited me to ride with them north from Townsville.'

-In good hands.

-Yeah.

'It's great to get on a saddle without wearing padded shorts.'

This, I've got to be honest with you...

is, er, the closest I've ever come

-to looking like a proper biker.

-Yeah?

-I'm just thinking...

-We might convert you.

Either that or a member of Village People.

# I'm on a highway to hell

# I'm on a highway to hell... #

Riding with a group of fellas on Harley-Davidsons

is not like cycling with your mates.

For a start, white-van drivers don't dare cut these fellas up -

they own the road.

It's a long time since I got a backy,

but here I'm the baby of the group.

With that said, I feel lucky to be part of this tightknit bunch.

Good to see you.

How was the ride?

Riding a motorbike is the best fun you can have with your clothes on.

Having this...escape, really,

by getting on the bike,

what does it mean to you?

Sometimes, you know, everything gets on top of you,

and there's nothing like just going for a ride, and...

It's peaceful. Nobody can talk to you. It's soothing.

-Freedom.

-Yeah, absolutely.

You experienced it today. Did you enjoy it?

Oh, yeah, it was great. It was a great sensation.

I mean, that's the longest I've ever travelled on a motorbike, um, and...

That's almost the distance

from the top of England to the bottom, isn't it?

It is, and I'll tell you what - my arse feels like it was!

THEY ALL LAUGH

Cos I was on the...

It's been great to spend time with these fellas

and, in many ways, I wish it could be longer.

They've given me a real insight into their world,

so I want to get on me bike, put on me Lycra,

and give them an insight into mine.

I've got to be honest - I'm not really surprised

that they were less impressed with my look as I was with theirs.

# Get your motor runnin'

# Head out on the highway... #

Meeting these vets reminds me of stories me dad told me

of his Uncle Ted, who served in the Australian Army.

I'd like to think that he found

the close friendship that these lads have got.

Mongrel and the lads

have spent their lives exploring this huge country.

They've told me of an ancient place

which they say is like The Land That Time Forgot.

Undara is an Aboriginal word for "a very long way".

It's not a joke - it's 300km inland.

So I've jumped in the car.

I'd like to see pest control at home tackle those termite mounds.

Now, that's...

That's Australia - when you look at this road,

you know why they made Mad Max here.

The road is just one big, straight, long line

for hundreds of kilometres.

It's a bit of a boring drive, so it better be worth it.

Oh, you're going to love this, mate.

-I'm going to love it?

-Yeah, it's great.

'Bram Collins is taking me out to the Undara Lava Tubes.

'He knows this place like his own back yard...

'because it is.'

Have you always lived here?

Yeah. Well, my family were the first white settlers out here,

on 13th of August, 1862.

This area we're on right now

-used to be part of a cattle station I grew up on.

-Right.

To get to the lava tubes,

we hiked through some of the oldest forest on Earth.

This vegetation can be traced back to the days of Gondwana,

when Australia and Antarctica and Africa and South America

were all part of the one continent.

You get species of birds and butterflies down here

that aren't naturally occurring in this region.

To be fair, this feels very prehistoric,

-for want of a better word.

-It does, doesn't it, eh?

It is very, very prehistoric, cos, er... Check that out, you know?

You're looking at one of the oldest standing lava tubes

on planet Earth today.

190,000 years old, that is.

-That's Jurassic Park, isn't it?

-It is.

If a dinosaur walks through there,

you probably wouldn't bat an eyelid, would you?

'When they were formed by a volcanic eruption 190,000 years ago,

'each lava tube stretched for hundreds of kilometres.

'Over the centuries, many sections have collapsed,

'leaving behind caves like this.'

So what we're looking at here is the hole that was left behind

as the lava flowed away from the volcano?

That's correct. That is correct.

Once upon a time, this was a river here,

and when the volcano erupted,

the lava blanketed the country,

but the main volume of lava channelled in the river bed.

The air was cool in the top of the flow,

the outside of the lava hardened,

and that created this rock pipe,

which kept all the heat in, which meant the lava stayed really fluid.

The lava just gravity-fed through this pipe.

-It just kept on going.

-Until the volcano stopped erupting

and it just drained out, leaving the hole in the pipe.

Probably one of the most beautiful places I've ever been,

and in 1992, I got married in here.

Stood right there, and we had friends and family all around us.

It was one of those standout moments in your life.

I'll remember it forever.

And, before, you said,

"Don't stand in the shrub - there's likely to be..."

-Death adders.

-Death adders.

-Yeah.

Which are, like, amongst the most poisonous snakes in the world.

Yeah, and one of the fastest striking snakes on earth.

So when you... When you had your wedding here, did you...

What did you do then, about the snakes?

I didn't tell anyone.

-You just...

-HE LAUGHS LOUDLY

Now I've been to weddings where

there's been fights at the reception, but snakes?!

To find out more about the deep history of this place,

I'm meeting one of the Ewamian people,

who have been coming to Undara for 50,000 years.

David.

-Hey, hey. You all right?

-All right, mate? Nice to meet you.

Hey.

Welcome to my...

'David Hudson is an aboriginal musician and artist

'who grew up with Bram on his family's cattle station.'

I'm very proud to be sitting here

and talking to you

and you're on my homeland.

That's great, because you've come a long way

and for you to have a... To get a gauge of what it's like

to be on indigenous country,

that's what's important to me, you know.

Just to be able to walk amongst the fresh air - no traffic lights,

no mobile phones. It's fantastic.

-And to know someone with your blood has sat on that rock.

-Exactly.

-Thousands of years ago.

-That's what makes it so special for me.

'Last time I was in Australia,

'the law didn't recognise the right of aboriginals

'to their ancestral lands.

'Today, David and his people are guaranteed the right

'to come here whenever they like.'

We have been fighting for a long, long time now

to get our recognition in this country of ours.

And that was determined

by the Federal Courts in November last year,

so that was a huge turning point for us,

because that now means I can go and preserve the rock arts

that my forefathers had done a long time ago.

I'm there to make sure that these things are there

for another 50,000 years,

and we can walk this land,

and you can walk it with an indigenous ranger.

No-one can say you can't walk on this land any more.

Our culture's still alive -

it's a living culture, and it's in our own back yard.

There's more to Australia

than just kangaroos, Vegemites,

and blond-haired surf boys.

DIDGERIDOO PLAYS

THEY LAUGH

That was brilliant. You know what? I've got to be honest -

I wasn't expecting it to be that good.

I seriously wasn't!

Because, you know, when someone says,

"I've got a big thing here I blow down - it's brilliant,"

you never expect it to be that good.

'After the sun goes down,

'it's even more apparent why Undara is so special.

'Dave and Bram are bringing me to a place

'I've always wanted to go - my very own Batcave.'

It's like rush hour in Bat Land.

OK, so let's just put your head down.

OK, let me just turn my light on.

There's just millions and millions of bats flying past.

It's just continuous, isn't it?

Well, in a normal lava tube,

we'll get 2,000, 3,000 bats.

In this lava tube, in the breeding season,

this number swells to maybe 200,000 or 300,000 bats.

No way.

These are the female bats,

They've got a big nursery down the back of the cave, down here.

What happens is a few of the mums stay back,

and all the other mums, they fly out at night, just gone dusk,

and they fly out to feed in the landscape.

-Why are they coming back in?

-Well, because there's snakes out there.

-Did you want to feel it?

-Yeah, there's more snakes there.

See, I mean, everywhere you look, there's snakes.

There's one right above me. There's another one there...

In my eye line now, I can see six snakes.

You know, up to coming to Australia,

I think that was the most I'd ever seen in me life!

-So the snakes there are poised to catch a flying bat.

-Yes.

He's just caught one. You watch - he's going to wrap him up now.

Now see him moving his body back up around the bat?

He'll swallow him whole.

Oh, God, I can see it, yeah.

I feel like David Attenborough. I feel I should have a better accent,

or at least a softer accent, not better.

-AS DAVID ATTENBOROUGH:

-There are millions of bats surrounding me,

a life form that has been on this earth for thousands of years

in this cycle of death and life.

And they face the danger of the snakes

that will hang precariously from the tree

to grasp their prey,

before constricting their bodies,

eating their prey,

and returning to the foot of the grave.

I'll tell you what, eh? We'll have some of that, won't we?

I don't know where that came from. Eh?

No, I'm having that!

Bollocks to these jokes - I'm on to natural history.

It's like nothing I've ever seen and nothing you can imagine.

This is a natural wonder of the world.

This isn't Australian - this is unique.

It's...amazing to feel a part of it.

It feels like you're in the depths of Australia.

That cycle of life has been going on for a lot longer

than men have been coming here.

GUITARS STRUM

DAVID AND BRAM: # Paradise

# Head out in the rough

# In the shadows of the mountains

# Living and be free

# This is life

# The way it ought to be

# Oh, and others come to dream...

Stop now.

# Mm-mm-mm

# It's home for you and me. #

'These two have been mates their whole lives.

'Dave's dad worked for Bram's dad on the cattle station.'

I grew up in Bram's household,

went on the station when I was only six months old.

We were just all kids on the cattle station,

so we were fishing and riding horses

and swimming in the creek and...

And Bram was trying to learn guitar.

Using shanghais and doing all sorts of things like kids do.

And do you think your relationship's in any way unique?

This is as good as the two of us decide it's going to be.

And, um, we can look back in the past,

and you can dig up as much heartache

and pain and suffering as you want in the past,

and if you focus on the past, that's what you're going to get -

you're going to get more of the same.

Is that the same for you, Dave?

Yeah, mate.

I come from a very ancient culture,

I'm very proud of that.

And let's right the wrongs -

we can't forget our past,

but let's move on.

When you're sat here, you're underneath these stars,

and just the... In all honesty, the companionship,

the obvious friendship, you know, you'd go a long way to find that.

-Yeah, good one.

-So it's a pleasure to be part of it,

so thanks for letting me in.

This is fantastic. It makes me feel like a proper Aussie.

-Oh, yeah.

-I'm sat around a camp fire, I've got a beer...

-Oh, OK -

-you've got to wear a hat.

-I've got me Aussie hat. A mate bought me this.

OK.

-No, that's not an Aussie hat!

-That's an Aussie hat.

It was given to me by an Aussie.

-No, and you know what they do with them hats?

-What?

They use them hats so we know who the tourists are.

Cos I've never seen an Australian wear one of them hats yet.

-Yes, they do. They wear them all the time.

-Never, never.

It's staying on my head.

BRAM LAUGHS

The next day, I'm heading back to civilisation,

which in this case is Innisfail, the banana capital of Australia.

When I did this trip in 1992,

I found long-distance cycling lonely,

so on occasion I stayed at hostels hoping to make friends.

It's surprising how little a 25-year-old sales rep on a bike

has in common with your average backpacker.

That might have had something to do with how boring I was back then.

Now I'm as old as most backpackers' dads,

and like most dads, I actually think I'm loads of fun.

To find out if this is true,

I've signed up for the classic backpacking activity around here -

picking bananas.

Morning.

-Morning, morning.

-Hello.

-All right, mate?

-How's it going? Adam.

-All right, Adam, how are you?

-Nice to meet you, fella.

-I'm Ben.

-All right, Ben, how are you?

-Nice to meet you.

-Very good. Am I working with yous today?

Yeah, yeah. You're with us today.

I'm just seeing everyone, and they're covered in shit.

And it really, really doesn't inspire me, this,

-to be honest with you.

-Yeah, um...

-It's going to be fun, though.

-It'll be fun.

-Getting some bananas.

-It'll be a bit wet, but it'll be fun.

'Each morning before dawn,

'the backpackers are driven to the banana farms outside Innisfail.'

See, the traditional view of backpackers

is that they're all just skiving.

-That's what...

-THEY ALL TALK AT ONCE

Spend a day on the farm, John, and you'll see who's going to skive.

Yeah, do you know what I mean - it's one big, long holiday, and...

Yeah, people say that, though, but you have to work to get money

if you've spent it all, so...

Innisfail's banana industry has always relied on foreign labour.

The Chinese set up the first farms

and they were followed by Italian immigrants, like the Lizzio family,

who own the aptly named Liverpool River Banana Farm.

Today they depend on backpackers to harvest their fruit -

and, of course, me.

-Are you the boss man?

-I am the boss man.

-All right. I'm John.

-Are you?

-Yeah.

-John?

-John.

Pleased to meet you, John.

Pleased to meet you. Right, so this is your operation.

This is our operation, yep.

Right, well, I've come to, er, spend the morning here, I believe.

Good on you, mate. We'll make a man out of you here.

Yeah, I believe so.

TV's own John Bishop on a tractor.

Backpacker Ben is going to show me how banana-picking is done.

Which is a bit like trying to get Tom Daley

to show you how to go diving - he just makes it look easy.

-Be careful of your foot.

-Get your shoulder underneath it.

Down there all right?

Oh!

'It's a lot harder than it looks.'

One bites the dust.

-That weighs a ton!

-Ta.

Balance it on your shoulder.

'My ego's already more bruised than those bananas.'

So is that... Is that me sacked now?

Well that's one bunch gone, so it's not a good start, Johnny.

Really? All right. Let's go, let's go.

Get me another one.

I can't embarrass myself by not doing it.

There's Italians carrying them, for Christ's sake.

This'll be make or break.

CREAKING

You all right, Johnny?

Jeez!

Have I got the rest of that?

-Yeah.

-Yeah?

Yep, all right?

'I never thought I'd struggle with a bunch of bananas.'

You were taking the piss then, weren't you?

Now the hard bit, you've got to try and get him across the...

There's something jumping about inside, though.

-Oh, OK.

-No, you'll be all right.

-I'm serious - there's something jumping inside.

-It's just a rat.

It's just a rat?! Oh, well, that'll be all right, then. That's made it better.

What was that? Did you see that rat that ran past, then?

That was a rabbit. Don't worry about it.

It was a rabbit dressed as a rat.

That came out of my bag.

A rat...

At least you know there's no snakes in that one.

That'll do.

-I feel like a hero now.

-Yeah, you've got to pick the tree up...

JOHN LAUGHS

Pick him up and lay him down over here. You've got to pick him up.

That'll do.

-And then you do cut the leaves off?

-Yeah, just chop the leaves off.

-Ow!

-LAUGHTER

-Watch your bloody shin.

My arm!

But I thought these leaves were going to be harder.

I nearly cut me leg off, I swung it that much.

Oh, give me that knife back.

Eh, eh - just to let you know, Steve,

I'm a big deal in England, me.

THEY ALL LAUGH

Just so you know.

I'm a shit banana-carrier, but in England, oof!

I can see now why we just send convicts over here - it's shit.

THEY ALL LAUGH

'Back at the warehouse,

'the bananas need to be unwrapped before they get cleaned.'

Shall I do this one?

Yeah, yeah.

-Fuck off!

-THEY LAUGH

Have you seen that? Have a look at that.

-What is it?

-What's in there?

Oh, that's a bloody... Grab him by the head, John, like that.

'Yeah, pick on the new boy!'

THEY LAUGH

Yeah, the dog's even having a go!

Do you do that to everyone on the first day?

Yeah, we do.

Ha, ha, ha, ha(!)

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah...

That's not going in.

On the TV, I've eaten it!

Banana-picking initiation complete, we stop for lunch.

Cos I did this bike ride in 1992, which...

You're 19 - so 1992 was a long time ago.

THEY LAUGH

And I've got a diary of... And in the diary I wrote,

"I stayed with backpackers, they're all wankers."

THEY LAUGH

"They're all..." Cos I was expecting to turn up and they'd all be, like,

revolutionaries and dead cool and everything,

but they were just boring.

And now I realise they weren't boring -

they'd been doing this all day. They were probably just knackered.

Yeah, absolutely.

Lunch over, it's back to those bananas.

Listen, if the show business is dead... And, really I...

I've done it for a year and a half, and...

This isn't a documentary any more -

this is my goodbye message to me wife, to say, you know,

"I'm not coming home - I'm just going to be here, picking bananas."

Going to come live at Budget, then?

I'm just going to live in the budget place with you,

and I know it'll stink and I know I'll probably get dengue fever,

and there'll be rats running around,

and I know there's always a chance of being bitten by a snake,

but, eh - I'm with me mates.

THEY LAUGH

Go on, let's... Let's pick some bananas.

One day of hard graft is enough for me.

Now it's time to have some fun with my new mates.

The meeting place is my motel,

and we're heading off to do some white-water rafting.

The main thing is...it's an excuse to get the backpackers washed.

Just so their mums and dads know

at least for one day they've been clean.

We're travelling 60km inland, and up into the mountains.

This is the mighty Tully River.

From its source in the Cardwell Range,

it plunges 130km to the sea,

over dramatic waterfalls

and through spectacular forest gorges.

I've rafted in Wales before. The big difference here

is that you won't turn blue if you fall in.

'I used to do things like this for team-building exercises

'when I was working for a pharmaceutical company.

'The difference here, I actually like everyone in the boat.'

'There's something about bouncing around in an inflatable dinghy,

'crashing against rocks,

'that just makes you think you're having a laugh.

'You keep on forgetting that there's a chance one of you might drown.'

'It brings you together. In many respects, it bonds you as a group.'

'You even pull people out if they fall in.

'Even the Italians.'

'And at the end, all the backpackers got a wash.'

'And I showed everyone me teeth.'

I feel like an advert for fun dads everywhere.

It's been a great day, but also, as a dad,

I feel I need to ask them all

what they're going to do with their lives.

You know, where I am now, 22 years later,

is a million miles away

from what I thought I was going to be when I was here.

Do you have any idea

what you think you're going to be like in 22 years' time?

I have absolutely no idea,

and I am excited about that.

Have you got a clue?

Don't know. I reckon, 22 years,

maybe get my own TV show,

nice stand-up tour or something.

THEY LAUGH

-I can see you doing that.

-There's absolutely no reason why not.

Put it this way, when I was in your position,

I'd done as many gigs as you have.

Go on, John.

The last couple of days spending time with the backpackers

has been brilliant, to be honest.

It's also give me a glimpse of a landscape that I would have missed.

Just look at it.

It's incredible.

I'm leaving the mountains behind me to head for Cairns.

This was the last stop on my original journey,

22 years ago.

I'm going to miss cycling in Australia,

cos riding a bicycle in this country is a truly unique experience.

-HE LAUGHS

-Come on!

Come on!

DOG YAPS, JOHN LAUGHS

CICADAS BUZZ

HE GROANS

HE LAUGHS

That's it now - all the cycling's done.

It was quite emotional, really, riding in.

All the way through, the cycling has been a big part of this trip,

so it was important to me to come riding in

and see that road sign that says Cairns. "Welcome to Cairns."

Where I'm going next requires four wheels instead of two,

so I'm splitting up from the bike.

But I want to mark our Aussie love affair,

so I'm taking her to David Hudson, the artist I met in Undara.

Get in, you twat.

'Breaking up is always hard to do.'

-Well, these are my pieces.

-Yeah.

And it's done specifically because I come from Cairns,

we're famous for our crocodiles, inside the crocodile...

He swallowed a barramundi.

There's a trout, cos I come from the Barrier Reef.

-Yeah.

-A didgeridoo player...

'David explains that

'as well as depicting the natural world around him,

'his paintings tell the stories of his journeys through it.'

So you do all these designs.

You know, if you're travelling from a mountain that's like this,

and then if you're travelling from A to B,

then you might stop over night.

You might have a meeting place. So there's your circle.

And then you might have... Say if there's two males and a female,

there'd be this shape of a male - that's a typical male,

around the water hole.

Then you might have two females, which are just two curves.

So that's two females and one male.

-Yeah.

-And so all these symbols have meanings.

You know, and then all of a sudden,

you've just created yourself a whole map

of where you've travelled,

and it's also telling your dream-time story

of where you come from.

It's just an incredible story of travelling from A to B to C,

and that's exactly what you've been doing.

This has been your walkabout,

your travel, your song line.

'Having David decorate my bike just seems a perfect way

'of bringing this journey back home with me.'

That's interesting. That's a challenge for me.

I'm happy to paint it for you, you know.

Well, listen, I mean, I'm impressed with everything that I've seen -

I just hope I feel the same when you've painted me bike.

-Oh...

-I hope it's a fair-dinkum job.

It'll be a fair-dinkum job,

cos it's done by a fair-dinkum Aussie. Leave it with me.

I can't wait to see how David depicts my walkabout,

and if his painting's no good,

at least I've got a new word for Scrabble.

But leaving the bike behind

doesn't mean that I'm finished with this place.

Just off the coast is the incredible Great Barrier Reef,

and two fellas are going to show me its wild side.

Jamie, Richard.

-Morning, how are you?

-Morning, how are we?

-How you going?

-Very good, very good.

'Jamie Seymour and Richard Fitzpatrick

'are marine biologists from James Cook University.

'Although, to be honest, they don't look like your typical academics.'

The reef.

You look like Aussies' version of a professor.

I'm going to take that as a compliment.

Yeah, do! Take it as a compliment.

You don't get many professors in England with boarding pants,

sunnies on, a little bit of stubble,

who looks like he's just fell out of a bar.

Yeah, he has!

Oh, dear.

Ah.

All right, let's go.

Jamie's known as the venom dude, and he's taking me out

to look for some of the most dangerous animals on the reef.

Sounds good, but somehow the dude's lost the island

that was meant to be our base.

So we wait, and we wait, and finally it emerges from the sea.

This is it!

I feel like Captain Cook.

I should get a flag. Well, that's it now - we're British.

This is, er, the newly claimed Bishop Island.

The islanders have finally arrived, the sea has receded.

It's actually beautiful. You're just in the middle of the sea

in a...evolving island.

Barrier Reef's all around me.

Obviously, we're going to have some problems

selling this as a tourist destination.

There's a lack of facilities at the moment.

We've got no infrastructure - hotel, car park,

landing strip...

or an island, most of the day.

But for six hours of the day,

what a perfect place to come to on holiday.

I also feel I'm in the middle of a pretty shit pop video.

Cos I'm the only boy-band member who could come to the island.

The rest of Take That weren't available.

MUSIC: "Pray" by Take That

Up there it was pretty special,

but down here it's mind-blowing.

A staggering 2,300km long,

the Barrier Reef is the biggest structure in the world

made entirely by animals.

It's a wild underwater world filled with extraordinary creatures

found nowhere else on the planet.

Normally, you're not allowed to touch anything on a coral reef,

but as a professor of marine biology,

Jamie knows what he's doing.

John, have a look at this thing.

Now, that's a sea cucumber.

Serious cool animal,

cos there's actually a fish that lives in its anus.

'A fish that lives in the anus of a cucumber.

'Even if I could speak, I'm not sure what to say to that.'

'They don't call Jamie the venom dude for nothing.

'Even underwater, he can sniff out a dangerous animal a mile away.'

Keep going down here.

'I'm glad I'm with an expert.'

Ah-ha, there's one!

Ah-ha, have a look at this.

Under here.

That thing there.

The world's most venomous snail.

That thing can kill you.

Yep, they're cool. They are cool animals.

HE LAUGHS

I love it, I love it.

Oh, look at this, down in here.

A big, venomous fish. Careful. A big, venomous fish.

It's a stonefish.

Let's see if we can coax him out.

An amazing animal, yeah.

Big spines on the back.

It's called stonefish cos they look like stones.

We'll take him back to the boat, I think.

We'll catch him, take him back,

and I'll show you the venom glands on these spines.

Let's rock'n'roll.

Get him out to start with, so that everybody can see him.

We'll stick him in some water.

He looks prehistoric, doesn't he?

Yeah, they're really old-vintage fish,

they've been around for a really, really long time.

They look like a rock, a little fish swims past,

-they open their mouth, which is really wide.

-Ah, look at that!

-Yep.

And sucks in the fish, and away they go.

Along their back are these spines, and these are the worrying things.

Each of these spines have got venom sacs associated with them.

So I'll hold the spines up.

If you take the piece of foam and push it down over that...

Over those two.

All right. Go.

-Oh! Two at once!

-Oh-ho-ho!

You're thinking this is a rock, you walk in and you stand down...

Those spines will stand up, that goes clean through your foot,

and then about a tenth of a second later, you SCREAM in pain.

They're frightening animals.

Oh, yeah.

What I like about Queensland,

in fact, what I like about Australia overall,

there's still part of it, though, could be prehistoric.

You've got animals that belong to a time millions of years ago.

In Australia, as I found out, snails can kill you.

You know - who'd have thought that?

When I came here last time, Melanie made a cassette, which,

for anyone under 25,

is an invention that we had that...

HE LAUGHS

That people used to spend hours on,

cos it was, er... Because we didn't have e-mail or text messages,

so it was the only way of telling someone that you liked them,

was to make them a cassette.

And Don't You Forget About Me

was the first song on the first side

that I played on the plane coming over here.

So it's got some relevance to here.

MUSIC: "Don't You Forget About Me" by Simple Minds

It's almost two months since I left England,

but before I return home,

there's somewhere else that I want to visit.

I'm travelling 80km north of Cairns,

to where the Great Barrier Reef

meets another natural wonder of the world.

Last time, I only saw the Daintree Rainforest

out of an aeroplane window as I left Australia.

Today, after a short ferry ride

across this crocodile-infested river,

I'm entering one of the wildest, most unspoilt parts of the planet.

It all feels a bit Apocalypse Now.

I've never been in a rainforest.

I think you can say that a rainforest...

Everyone always thinks of the Amazon,

but this is the place that even David Attenborough picked out

as the most exciting place that he'd ever been to.

Credit to Attenborough, he knows a thing or two about rainforests,

and he was spot-on about Daintree.

It's one of a kind -

remote, beautiful,

and 135 million years old.

That's unbelievable, isn't it, to be able to touch something that's...

That's been around before James Cook.

A tree that's well over 1,000 years old. It's just staggering.

Daintree covers 12,000 square kilometres of Northern Australia,

but this is just a surviving remnant

of a great forest that once spanned the earth,

long before humans ever stood up on two legs.

This is Cape Tribulation,

which was pretty much the end

of Captain Cook's famous voyage of discovery.

It was where he discovered the Great Barrier Reef.

Well, when I say discovered it,

he actually crashed into it and nearly sank.

I've pretty much followed Cook's journey from Sydney

all along the east coast to here.

This feels like a fitting place to finish my Australian adventure.

You know, this is staggering -

you've got two World Heritage Sites

combining with the rainforest,

with the Great Barrier Reef,

you've got a view that is...

It looks like it's out of a holiday advert, doesn't it?

I mean, walking on the beach there,

I felt like I was going to be in an advert for aftershave or something.

It's just... It's all perfect.

This was meant to be the end of me journey,

this is where I thought I was going to say goodbye to Australia,

but my experience in Australia

is that you've got all of this,

but it would be wasted

if the people weren't worth spending time with.

And it's because of people that this isn't the end.

There's something else that I need to do

that's more personal, I suppose.

In the last few days,

I've been talking to my dad back home in England,

and he's been telling me stories of my great-uncle Ted,

who emigrated here 90 years ago.

It feels wrong to go home without finding out a little bit more

about this family connection.

So I'm going to do something that none of me family's been able to do.

I'm going to go to where Ted lived.

Having come all the way to the top of Australia,

I'm now flying 3,000km south to Melbourne.

I first heard about Great-Uncle Ted when I was 11.

My dad had got a letter saying that Ted had died

and he'd left us some money.

Me dad used that money to take us all on a rare family holiday,

so I've had fond feelings for Ted ever since.

But apart from a few basic facts,

our family know very little about him.

We know that he served in the First World War in the Artillery,

and in 1924, when he was 28 years of age,

we know that he left Liverpool on a boat bound for Australia.

As far as the family was concerned,

he may as well have sailed to Narnia,

cos in those days, when someone went to the other side of the world,

you never saw them again.

From records, we know that Ted stepped off the boat here,

at the old port in Melbourne.

After a conversation with me dad on the phone, for this journey,

it just seemed appropriate that I should try and come here.

And now that I'm here and I'm sat looking at the pier

that I know he walked on when he was starting his new life.

It's given me a connection with the place I just didn't have before.

And to know that he walked down this pier,

went through those gates and started a new life...

It's quite emotional, really,

because you feel immediately connected to it.

I think the thing is now I've got to found out what his second step was.

I'm driving 200 miles west of Melbourne

to Bessiebelle, where Ted lived.

Down here feels like a very different Australia - cool and dry,

with a horizon that stretches as far as the eye can see.

It's hard to imagine how Ted must have felt

doing this journey for the first time.

He was a Liverpool lad born and bred -

this must have felt like

he was walking onto the set of a cowboy film.

I want to know how a northern bloke

with just a few pennies in his pocket

built a new life for himself out here in the Australian bush.

'Bruce Sharrock has a passion for local history

'and, over the years, he's collected old photos and documents

'that tell the story of life in Bessiebelle.'

Come in.

'The earliest picture he's got of Ted is from 1924.'

Is this him?

Yeah, that's him, and he's working for Sam "Pompy" Porter.

Sam "Pompy" Porter?

Yeah. He had a stone-crushing plant.

There was a heap of volcanic rock, and what they used to do

was they used to crush it up for the roadworks.

Well, he only arrived in August 1924,

so the decision to come out west here

couldn't have taken more than a couple of weeks at most.

Looks like it was tough life.

Yes.

-Got any boxers in your family?

-Yeah.

-There's Ted.

-Yeah.

-With his boxing gloves on.

Yeah, there's been a few over the years.

And some of them have been men.

Not a lot of punches being thrown, is there?

No, it doesn't look like it.

And then, in 1929,

he went out and worked for Gerry Gleeson.

That's Gerry Gleeson, Maggie Gleeson, and there's Ted in the middle.

-That's him?

-Yeah.

'Over the next 20 years,

'Ted slogged away, labouring on local farms

'until he saved enough money to buy his own place.'

There was 639 acres,

all up there.

306 that he had.

-So nearly 1,000 acres.

-Mm.

'Bruce's photos also hold a clue

'to another intriguing side of Ted's life -

'one I'd often wondered about.'

So that was his first engagement.

His FIRST engagement?

-Yeah, one of three.

-Cos...

-JOHN LAUGHS

Good lad.

That was the thing, cos he died a single man,

and the message was he was a confirmed bachelor,

so we didn't know whether that was by choice

or by the fact that there was nobody out here, or...

No, I know.

-Do we know why that relationship...

-No.

-..didn't work out?

Ady sent the ring back.

She'd met Ted Fisher over in Derrinallum,

and she decided to go with him.

He's a bastard, Ted Fisher!

Gobshite.

'Looking at the picture of Ted and Ady,

'he didn't seem that happy anyway.

'But I am learning so much more about the life he built for himself

'here in Bessiebelle.'

He came here and, you know, in the tough times.

It looked like when he was working here to begin with,

he was living in tents, he was breaking up rocks,

and then he worked trying to make a life for himself as a sheep farmer.

And, you know, it's an immigrant's story -

it's a man who's come over with nothing.

And you come here, you see an opportunity and you grab it.

I want to explore Bessiebelle

and see what mark Ted left upon the place.

Here he is.

They're his medals from the First World War,

and when you look at it,

you know that they were in his pocket when he arrived,

when he landed on the shores in 1924.

They're probably the only thing that he brought that's still here.

'There are still some folk in Bessiebelle

'who actually remember Ted.'

You all knew him?

-ALL:

-Yes.

Everyone remembers Ted really fondly.

-He was a lovely old gentleman.

-Yeah, he was.

-Yeah, he was.

Dad used to take him up to RSL on a Tuesday night,

and they'd have a few sherbets, yeah, and enjoy the trip home.

But, yeah, I bought the farm after he'd died.

I got to tell you this,

my first understanding that there was an Uncle Ted

was when I was about 11,

and a letter came through from a solicitor in Australia

to say that he'd left some money in his will.

-So it was your money.

-It was. He would have had some in the bank.

-Don't worry.

-Oh, I know, I know.

THEY LAUGH

So when did you know him, then?

What's your biggest memory of him?

When we got married, he presented Ellen with a frying pan.

This is 50 years ago, and we've still got it, actually.

-There. There it is.

-This the pan he gave you, Ellen?

This is the pan he gave us for our wedding present.

And the old bugger said,

"Here, this'll keep him in control - you can use this."

-So that was his sense of humour.

-Yep.

So that'll be 50 years next April.

So every time you use it,

you remember he gave it to you to hit him with it.

Yeah, keep him under control.

Yeah.

So did anyone here go to the funeral?

-ALL:

-Yes.

-Everyone. Everyone.

You all went?

Just about the whole district would have been there.

He was, you know, that well liked, and it was strange -

the coffin went down the hole,

and everyone just stood around and looked at one another,

because there were no relatives there.

We were all friends, and everyone was sort of equal to Ted,

and there was no-one you could sort of say,

"I'm sorry your husband's just gone down there,"

or something like that.

It was a little bit strange.

Yeah, and... Yeah, I can imagine that.

Edward Bishop,

died 23rd of October, 1977,

aged 81.

He had an innings.

And it's...

It's strange to think that me dad was named after him,

then me brother was named after me dad.

So our Eddie is directly linked to this.

And to think that I'm the, er...

I'm the first-ever relative to come here...

I'm the first one with the same blood to ever...

Ever stand in this place and put any flowers there.

And because he wasn't married, cos that bastard, Ted Fisher...

I don't know how many people have ever put flowers here.

You know, he doesn't need me to shed a tear.

He came and he had a good life.

He seems to have left a lot of people with good memories

and good smiles, and, you know, I'm one of them.

It's nice, that, innit?

For two months, I've been searching for the real Australia,

trying to understand what it means to belong to this country,

and here in Bessiebelle, in the middle of nowhere,

I think I've finally cracked it,

cos it turns out that my scouse Uncle Ted

is in many ways exactly what it means to be an Australian.

Ted was a war veteran,

a pioneer,

a grafter...

Jeez!

..a good laugh and a great mate.

He came out here to this wild and ancient land,

and he carved out a good life for himself with his bare hands.

And along with countless others who did exactly the same,

he made the Australia we see today.

This is it. This is the end of the journey.

Um...

When I was looking at coming to Bessiebelle, I looked on the maps

and there was a road called Bishops Road.

I got in touch with the council

and I asked if there was a road sign, and they said no.

So I asked, "Is there any chance of having one?"

And they've come and put one up.

So this is the end of me journey. I've come to Australia...

and there'll be a bit of me that's always going to be here, cos of Ted.

Couldn't be better.

I'm now going for a walk down me own road.

And now something tells me I'll be back.

But until then, I've brought my own piece of Australia home with me.

# I'm so alone, my love Without you

# You're part of everything I do

# When you come back

# And you're beside me

# These are the words I'll sing to you

# Welcome home

# Welcome

# Come on in... #

All done. That'll be that.

I can say goodbye to that now for another 20-odd years.

I won't be riding that.

And what's great...

is I can start breathing out again.

HE LAUGHS

You can't beat a cushion joke. Just the best comedy ever.