Conduct Unbecoming Cagney and Lacey

I got a winner! See how easy it is?

If you want to win, you got to get in.

If you want to play, you got to pay.

Just find the black queen.

Want to play? You got to pay.

Want to win? You got to get in.

If you got a hunch, you better bunch,

because you cannot accumulate if you do not speculate.

There she is, right there. Excuse me. I'd like to bet.

Make room for the lady. Investing pin money, sweetheart?

Pin this, mac. Fold it up!

Hey!

Chris, take him! In the truck!

Hey! Watch the arm!

Watch the arm!

Shut it down! I'm a cop. Shut it down, please!

Hey, c'mon! Take it easy! Yeuch!

We got a couple of Al Capones here.

Assaulting an officer, resisting arrest, an illegal handgun...

I never saw it before!

I never saw it either! You OK?

I'm fine. She took a knock, sir.

You got to have an X-ray. I want to get... You're hurt! I just want to get this guy into booking! I'm fine.

Whoa! You here again? Huh?

You can't stay out of trouble! I'll give you trouble tomorrow, pal!

Who's ahead in the racketball tournament? Guess.

Why not just forfeit right now?

Forfeit this.

Hey. I hope I didn't get too rough out there. No, not at all, Charles.

One Saturday night special? I thought he had truckloads.

At least we got something. What I got is a detective gimping around. The DA'll laugh in my face. Come on.

Be honest - he any good? He's good. Two weeks and he's got nothing.

Stephens is great. We wouldn't have got him from Anti-Crime otherwise.

Anti-Crime guys make me nervous. All the time on the street, looking for action...

They're all a little, uh...

crazy.

You sprung already? How's that shoulder? I'll take an aspirin. It'll be fine.

What's the next step, team? Our boy dives back to the streets and we'll see what he comes up with.

Hasta luego.

I have the new lottery tickets!

Did you buy them at the candy store?

No, the liquor store.

I told you! Dave won $200 there! We're not going to win anyway.

We'll win! Those are negative vibes!

Next week we'll go there. I'll take these.

No! Three's my lucky number! I wanted every third one! Can I have your third one? I'm on the phone!

Can I look at the numbers? I just want to...

..The candy store...

..And THIS one... Will you come on?! Give me five.

Just cut out the third one on every card...

You have five...Mary Beth, you have five...and I have five.

He didn't go to the candy store... I wanted to look at the numbers.

(Come on.)

I told him to buy at the candy store!

Where you going?

To buy some gum. Look at your tickets.

Patience, my friend. I'll look, when I feel the time is...right.

What is this? He picks them first and he's last to look at them.

YEAH!

YES! YES! YES!

Woo-hoo-hoo! What? Are you all right?

What happened?! We won a thousand bucks!

What's six into a thousand?!

About $160 apiece! $160!

I said not to rush me!

You were right. Thank you!

Where is it? Where is it?! There.

See, I told you not to rush me, didn't I?

It'll come to no good.

BABBLE FROM TV

Hi, Mommy.

Hi. Did you do your homework yet?

I don't have any. What's in the bag? Dinner. Where's your brother?

He has intermural. Oh. What's intermural? Hey.

Hi, babe. What's that? Chilli. Good - it's better the second day.

I got artichokes, real butter, filet mignon one and a half inches thick,

a bottle of Petit San Mareta imported directly for you...

You hit the numbers? Uh-uh. I hate artichokes!

How do you know? You never tried them, see?

The lottery pool. YES!

$166.67!

AND...a chance at the grand prize.

What's that? BOTH: One...million...dollars.

That's one and six zeros. Go and write it down. One and six...

I'm going to get a hernia here!

I should get lucky more often, huh?

LANGUOROUS SAXOPHONE MUSIC

QUIET GROANS

Mmmmm...

(Oh, yeah.)

How much more do you want me to work on this shoulder, dearie?

$166-worth.

Yeah.

This better be good - there's turkey special at Cleary's today. It's good.

Stephens has a lead. We want to follow up with it.

Well?

Tell him. A waitress at the Coco Club.

The club has a history of guns, sir. Drugs, hot goods...

You're buying me lunch.

She heard talk about Saturday night specials.

They might be a load ripped off two weeks ago in Kentucky.

Working her long? Six months. I met her after a dope collar last August. She's solid.

It's going to pay off.

You read every day now about weapons in town. Is that a fact, Lacey?

It's good work. Go for it. Go for it, Stephens. Yes, sir. We'll get them.

He's a good kid. Yeah.

Sincere...

You think I'm a jerk or what?!

I've been riding you cos I want those guns off the street as bad as you do. Now, will you let me get out of here?

May I see you two for a second?

Sure.

What are you doing?! You're the only two who use this place. Who could we walk in on? All right. What? What?

I don't want to look at that! Turn to page 26.

Are you broadening your horizons(?)

"Meet Dirk, the hunk next door..."? Look at the picture. No!

Oh, my god! What?

It's Stephens.

What?

That man has a moustache.

It's him. It's him...

in a gay magazine. Who saw that?

It was lying open in the men's room. I heard there's another in uniforms. I just thought you'd want to know...

all hell's about to break loose. Yeah.

Woo!

What do you mean by that? Nothing.

Su cambio, recibo... De la pronto.

Es todo?

All your money...in the bag. WOMAN SCREAMS

GUNSHOT

ANOTHER SHOT

HE SCREAMS

It was the OK Corral. Unbelievable. It's a crime... To protect myself.

A crime to not let myself be robbed!

Just let me ask the questions. It'll go faster.

I've had this pistol for years! I have a licence to prove it.

This is a licence to keep it in your home, not to carry it on the street.

You believe this? Smith and Wesson, Colt and two pieces of garbage. What you two think - you were in Vietnam?

Funny. I live there, white meat. You don't.

The guy whose gun blew up - he might lose an eye. Good. Let him lose both.

I can't believe that. All heart!

These guns connected with your case? Stephens is checking the serial numbers.

Stephens...

Yeah.

Thanks.

Listen, man. I can't pick you up tonight. Can we meet at the gym?

Look, I don't think I can make it. Something came up.

Got a winner, right here. I'll be right back. Stay here.

I checked these serial numbers. Gun number 43229, taken from the sweaty palms of one Frederico Uribe.

Nice one. Terrific. All right. You fade. We'll talk to him. Go on, go. Thank you.

Where'd you get the gun, Freddie? Nowhere.

It was in your possession. You got it somewhere. How come I'm so popular all of a sudden?

Hey... The scumbag didn't croak, did he? Suddenly you care(?) Answer me! I got it from under the counter, OK?

Where'd you BUY it? Nowhere - it ain't my gun!

Yes...?

It's my boss's. He keeps it under the counter to stop scumballs, OK?

(We better run this by the feds. We don't want to step on any toes.)

Should we run it by Samuels first? I hope he had a good lunch.

Petrie? Will you take this guy?

Take this guy?! What you talking about? Where?! You're kidding me!

I'm serious! I'll get the ACLU! Damn it, I'm...!

Sir, we got back the rundown on the serial numbers. The gun used by that clerk is from the Kentucky shipment.

Where'd he get it? From the store's owner. We'll check where HE got it.

Fine. Well, great. Let's get Stephens and get on it. No, no, hold it. Hold it a second. Close the door.

Uh...

Have you, uh, heard about Stephens?

We heard. Yeah, word's gone out.

Everybody knows. It's just a matter of time till they pull his pass so whatever you're doing, hurry it up.

Isn't it getting out of proportion? So he did modelling... So what? Not just modelling.

It's a gay magazine. It's porn.

He wasn't on the cover. Someone went to the newsstand, flipped through it, bought it... Somebody male.

Did you ever wonder who? Has he been charged yet?

This is serious misconduct. He won't get the benefit of the doubt.

I'm saying if you can use him... do not waste any time!

OK? OK. Yes, sir.

So get on with it.

Yes. Give me your number and I'll call you back.

..Uh-huh. ..Yeah. Thank you very much.

Listen up, please!

I just got a call. Some guy heard we made the Grand Prize draw and he offered to buy our ticket. How much?

$10,000.

He knows something. Maybe the odds are good.

He could work for a syndicate buying dozens of tickets.

This guy offered how much? $10,000. Let's sell.

I have to think it over. We should wait. Discuss it.

Get a better offer! Never! How many tickets in the pool?

I don't know. Somebody should check that out.

Yeah, check out the odds. La Guardia. I'll do it. Then we'll discuss it.

Friday morning, ten o'clock - we'll put it to a vote.

What do you think? We're not talking about it. Why not?

You'll try to convince me and I'm not sure what I want to do. What?

The ticket - I won't talk about it.

Fine. I was talking about Stephens.

Oh. Well, what do you think? You think he knows?

How could he NOT?

Do you think he's gay? It makes no difference. I just asked you what you thought.

None of MY business.

Sir, Frederico Uribe says the gun belongs to you. Watch the glass!

I don't want no scratch marks.

You charging me with something?

We'd appreciate your co-operation.

Where did that gun came from?

Dropping the charges against Freddie?

We can't ignore the charges. He fired the gun.

Should he sit there and get shot?! He has a future.

Freddie could have had his face blown off.

What kind of world is this, where heroes are made to feel ashamed?

We will arrest you if you don't tell us where you got that weapon. So arrest me. I'll die a martyr.

Look...

maybe we can work something out.

We might get SOME immunity, I don't know.

Freddie too.

We'll see.

We'll see!

I don't know his name... but I'll show you him.

That's the guy. The cab driver? Yeah.

The one pulling out? That's him.

He didn't see us, did he? No...

..and I have the licence plate.

Thank you.

Here is our boy - Vincent Scafali.

Won't be hard to make contact. Right time, right place...no sweat.

I'd say the sooner the better.

Any, uh, particular reason?

Well, we're trying to work together, here, Charlie, and, um...we should say what's on our mind, right?

I'm listening.

There's a magazine going around. A lot of people have looked at it.

Yeah, it's me. So what? Lighten up. We're on your side.

What side is that? What's the next question - am I a fag? Hey, come on.

We won't talk now. I've been not talking all day - looks, whispers...

Why are you so surprised? This sort of thing reflects on the department. That's how the brass looks at it.

Check out your options, Charlie. The thing is not going away.

Thanks. I appreciate the advice. Until I hear any different, I got a job to do. Are you with me?

Are you with me?

Come on, let's figure it out.

Pull over here!

Hey, baby, yo! Over here.

Gee, you kept me waiting half an hour. Easy, baby, easy. Busy day, huh? Yeah.

Driver, just drive around the block.

You're 20 short. Well, I couldn't get to the bank.

You know I don't cut up a gram.

And you know I'm good for it, so come on, today has not been my day at the beach. All right.

Being as it's you.

Hey, what are friends for?

Driver, would you stop here?

Listen, there's something else.

Eli - you know my Eli - well, he's in trouble and he wants something for protection. Buy him a dog.

Well, he needs a right-away gun and I told him I'd ask you.

How much is he willing to pay? I don't know - $50, $60? $50, $60...

OK, OK, I'll see what I can do, all right? You keep in touch. Yeah. Well, you know I'll do that.

Let's go. Sure. Hey, could I have one of those?

Thanks.

Ah! Well, he's nothing if he's not honest. Can't bust him. Give him $50, he gives you the directions.

Yeah, we got to find him with the gun. And up the ante. We'll get him.

Wait till I get the pipe back on, you can wash it off. Hey. Huh?

Oh...for better, for worse, for richer, for poorer...

How about richer? We got an offer on the ticket. No kidding. How much?

$10,000.

That's $1,666.67.

That's not bad. What are you guys going to do?

Well, we have to vote.

We could use that $1,600, you and I, huh?

Yeah.

Hey, if you win the big banana, how much is that worth? A million, yeah?

$160,000 each, yeah.

Long odds, but a hell of a pay-off.

Well, we got bills. Harve Junior's orthodontist is coming round again.

We're paying for that guy's second Cadillac.

1,600 is 1,600.

160,000 is a new way of life.

Huh?

Hey, Dirk, there's someone here you might want to meet.

Hey.

Hey, Nick. Nick!

Isbecki, what the hell was that? What?

That dance in and out of the john. Think I'll hold your hand? Hey.

What? What are you, paranoid?

You're scared to be seen with me! You've got the problem!

I don't flash boys.

This is crazy! Break it up, now.

Come on, now.

See a shrink!

Those pictures were taken five years ago before I ever became a cop!

I did it because I needed the money. I had no idea that they would end up in any kind of a magazine at all.

And for the record...I am not gay.

I was not then and I am not now.

What's all the commotion here?

Just horsing around.

When the rat's away... the cats'll play.

What are you, Richard Pryor?

When will you collar that gun dealer?

Stephens... I don't want to hear about Stephens.

Make that collar yourselves. What does that mean?

Stephens is about to become a memory. IAD are calling him in.

That doesn't necessarily mean he'll get canned.

Wake up, will you?

Don't push too hard and scare him off.

I got to finish this. I won't get a second chance. If he runs, so be it.

I don't know. We have to bring this guy down NOW.

Be careful. If you need us, we're here. You'll be the first to know.

Well...you're not hard to find.

You got a beef? No, no complaints. The fact is, I could use some more of the same.

How many we talking? 50. 50?!

'What'll you do with that many? They're a hot item.'

I don't think I need the competition.

Think of it as going into a new market.

What'll you do with them? Where'll they end up?

Does Macys tell Gimbels?

I need $1,000, upfront.

I'll take delivery first. I don't deliver. That's my edge on the game.

OK. I'll pass.

'Wait a second. Sit down. Sit down.'

Tell you what. You be here tomorrow at three o'clock.

Bring the money. I'll take you to the warehouse.

OK.

He did good. Yeah.

Look, you've been suspended. We're sorry.

OK.

Lieutenant Samuels really tried...

I put Scafali off. The shipment came in.

Over 100 pieces. Did you order the buy-money?

Yeah, so what? Then we got him. We don't have anybody.

I thought you were with me. Do you know the rules we'd be breaking?

So we let the guns onto the street?

I see - you don't want to work with a fag. I might get all hysterical...

Don't pull that with us!

How many gays are in the police? Plenty, I'm sure.

I'm not gay, you know?

We heard. From who? From YOU...in the squad room.

If we make this collar, nobody'll care how many rules we broke.

IF.

You're asking a lot, Charlie.

You're suspended. Up to you.

Either way...I'm getting this guy.

If this goes sour we could get suspended too. Mary Beth, come on!

What if we get hurt? We could always get hurt!

We're not on duty so no medical payments!

Nobody is going to get hurt. What if HE hurts someone? He is suspended now! He's not even a cop any more!

Mary Beth, would you just trust me?

I'd just like to know why Charlie's so hot to go through with this thing. He wants to stop the guns.

And...? And maybe pull himself out of the line of departmental fire.

You don't suppose he's trying to prove something, do you?

I'm Detective Lacey. We requisitioned $1,000 yesterday.

Case number 40725. Just a sec.

No money.

We're in a real rush, here. How fast can we get it?

Case number 40725, right? Right, yeah.

Filing officers Cagney, Lacey, Stephens, right?

Officer Stephens has been suspended. The last name should be Isbecki.

You're going to need new paperwork for that.

The Stephens appropriation is void. You got to be kidding, here.

Sorry, out of my hands. Forget it.

You here again?

I got a plan. What? We front the money ourselves.

$500 apiece? You got 500. Yeah, and maybe I want to keep it.

We arrest Scafali and get it back. I'm not sure we CAN. Why not?

Stephens isn't in top form. Are YOU starting now?!

He's got something to prove, right? You came up with that one.

Maybe his judgement is off. Mine isn't off and neither is yours. This is the easiest collar we ever made!

I don't run into things. We're not running in. We are crawling. I can't take money before talking to Harvey!

Can you call him? End of discussion.

What...? Don't ask me about it again. Stop being hysterical. Leave me alone. I'm thinking it over!

I'm not arguing about money. If you need it, take it.

Something could go wrong. Anything goes wrong, it's not the money I care about.

What about you?

It's not any more dangerous than it was before.

$500 isn't much to gamble to get 100 guns off the street.

Come on! Is he taking his shirt off again?

Harve... What? They voted to keep the ticket today.

Oh, yeah? You too?

We could have really used the 1,600, huh? We could use 160,000 even more.

Yeah, I voted to keep the ticket too. You did?

If we win, maybe we can go to Hawaii, huh?

Yeah. Yeah.

Maybe I could meet HIM. That'd be nice.

Nice?! Ooh! Harve, don't do that! I hate to be tickled! I hate it!

Honey, I hate this! You know it! You know I do!

Just wanted to say goodnight. Goodnight.

How come you're all the time staying late?

Working...catching up, you know how it is.

Mind if I join you? Mm?

Sure. Why not?

You're off duty. I'm off duty.

Go ahead. Thank you.

So...

Lieutenant, how's it going?

How's it going?

I, uh...I'm not too crazy about the place I'm living in now.

You know Thelma and I have...

Yeah, I heard.

Well, maybe we win the lottery and I can move!

Maybe if I win the lottery she'll want me to come back home. Maybe.

Not that she's a gold-digger or nothing.

Mind you, she probably would have been if she'd had the imagination.

That's all right. You always live alone?

Yeah, yeah. I like it... most of the time, I do.

What are you going to do with YOUR money? What money? The lottery.

Oh, yeah. I don't know. I never even really think about it much.

Relax, probably. Take a cab a couple more times than I would normally.

Look only on the left side of the menu at dinner.

Big dreams.

Mmm.

I just want to win. Yeah.

I like to win.

I know you do.

Here's some money. Please, don't lose it.

What, are you kidding?

You've been suspended. They took your gun.

I don't want you going in with nothing.

No...no.

How you reading me?

Reading you.

We've been here two times already! The meter ain't running.

What are you looking at?

'Just watching what's behind us. Relax.' You better drop over. Yeah.

Get the damn bus out of there! What is this?

Where is he? You see him?

I got him! He's on the right, by the corner. Oh, yeah.

What the hell? Hey! Get away from here!

Give us a break!

We're going to lose him! Come on! Hey, fella, have a heart, huh?

Nice work! Really great work! You got any change? Uh...

Here... Wait a minute! I'm good for it!

Thank you!

Oh, Lord. It's over, that's all. It's over.

'Where we going? To the theatre. The theatre? Come on.'

WOMAN LAUGHS: Por cien dollars...

What's she saying? Who knows? It's the same in every language. Is this a porno house?

'What the hell did you think it was?'

Wonderful. A porno house in New York City... "Trust me," she says(!)

That you, Vinnie? Yeah. OK, just checking.

Hey...

'What's the flick? Los Amores de Millicent.'

LOS AMORES DE MILLICENT. What does that mean? How should I know?

Find a newsstand...anywhere.

Why do you want to know that for? What? The name of the movie.

I might want to come back and see the movie later.

Where is it? I hope it's an exclusive engagement.

Los Amores...Los Am... Here it is!

Oh, no! It's in three different theatres! Where?

Two are uptown and one's near here. It's the Jewel Box Theatre on the duce. Let's go!

There's five in each can.

You get the ten cans when I get the cash.

Grab this. You take five cans, I'll grab five.

Want to check them all? No...I trust you.

All right. Come on, let's go.

Police!

SPANISH BABBLE FROM THE FILM

Watch it, buddy! Sshhh!

What are you doing down there? There he is!

Scafali!

Stop it! Charlie! Charlie! Charlie, we're here, babe. We're here.

You! Don't you move, man. Don't breathe.

Don't you breathe. Turn over. On your belly!

OK. It's OK. Put your hand here. Put your head down. Put your head down!

Give me this.

Sign these.

It's an official reprimand for allowing a suspended officer to participate in an arrest.

It stands for a year. If there's no other misconduct, it'll be absolved.

The department's all heart.

In addition, you will each have four hours' pay withheld.

Sir, what about our $500?

Oh...you see Accounting about that.

Hell of a collar! Stephens' collar, sir. He found it, he turned it out.

The department knows that. That's why he's only getting a hand slap.

Six months' suspension without pay?! That's a hell of a hand slap...

Lieutenant.

Thanks.

Hello.

Hey, terrific collar.

Thanks.

I just came by to pick up some of my stuff. I'm going to be out of here for a while. I heard.

Yeah. I'll see you around. Listen.

Are you gay or what?

I've been remembering stuff, like when we were at the gym and you told me I had a great body.

You told me I had a great body, too.

I don't remember that.

I'll see you around.

'And now the moment we've all been waiting for...'

OK, she's about to draw. Keep it down, Kaufman!

Hey, I want to watch too! Shut up!

I can't look at this. You're pale.

Any minute, we'll be on Easy Street.

We won't win. I never win anything.

I think I'm going to throw up. I'm not kidding.

'He takes out a ticket... and the winner is...'

What is the matter with you? The love of money is the root of all evil.

Now, pull yourself together.

Aw, Christine.

You kidding?

TOILET FLUSHES