Baby Broker Cagney and Lacey

The audience liked it. See what the vultures say. The critics will love it. It's a wonderful play.

So was Low Maintenance Man - the reviews said it was derivative, pretentious...

Those were the best ones. I thought COPS were paranoid. It's paranoia palace.

Ooh... Listen, if I start drinking too much at this party and insult the investors,

will you arrest me? I'll take you into custody!

Christine Cagney - defender of peace and public morals - we thank you.

Here's to the good things in life. I'll drink to that.

I'm glad that's over. I HATE first nights.

Come on, you were wonderful. Oh, sweetheart.

What's wrong?

Stop the car! What's the matter? That man's working over that woman.

Can't you turn away? He has a knife.

We do have a first night... Hey! Hey! Police!

Hold it! ..Are you all right? I guess you better follow them.

Get out of my way! Look out!

I don't believe this. Get out the way!

Look out!

Hold it! OK, baby - be cool! Get up!

Against the car! Be cool, babe. Against the CAR! Call for back up.

I'm innocent. Sure. I'm just doing my job. Roughing up women?

You want some money? Quiet! I got some money. Keep your mouth shut!

Come on, baby...

To the good things in life(!)

Baby, I'm innocent. UH!

..Be with you in a minute.

What? Is that meat? No, but it gives you all... Vegetable? Yes, grains.

..Hey.

Hey, how was the big night?

It started out great, then it went downhill.

The big opening night party? When we got there, it was over. What?

There was an assault and I was stuck for two hours booking a pimp! Josh must have been disappointed.

He was a good sport about it until the guy threw up on his tuxedo.

Oh, Christine...

GIGGLES Sorry.

Cagney! Nice outfit.

Thanks. I liked it yesterday, too.

What? Had yourself a little sleepover date?

Oh, kiss off, Isbecki! ..I wore my yellow sweater yesterday, didn't I?

Cagney, Lacey - end of hen party!

A baby was abandoned at St Joseph's. Find a line on the mother. Yes, sir.

We get a lot of abandoned babies here. The mothers are young -

15, 16, no money, no job. But this woman - she was no kid.

She had plenty of money - jewellery and clothes you'd die for and cash.

She posted five $100 dollar bills in advance. She brought the baby to see the doctor?

Complaining of lethargy - said the baby was too quiet. I wish I had that problem with my boys!

Dr Lewis examined the baby. She's totally deaf. Oh...

Just then, the mother went to the ladies' room and never came back.

Where's the little girl? Child welfare took her.

Have you tried calling the mother? Yes.

The number on the admitting form was Information at Port Authority.

Thank you.

The address and work reference were fictitious too? The whole form.

The mother planned it. If the doctor confirmed the baby was deaf, she'd dump her.

Nice(!) I think I've seen everything, then I get a surprise. Oh, are you something?

So, what happens now? She'll stay here.

Aaw! What is a gorgeous girl like you gonna do in a dump like this?

We do our best with limited funds. No offence. ..But YOU ought to be in pictures.

If you can find the parents and a judge to declare them unfit,

then we'll put her up for adoption

and hopefully find a family for a handicapped child. Lots of ifs. A foster home's free in two weeks.

Two weeks! That's a long time.

What do you say, lovely? You wanna come home with me?

You gotta be kidding. Back off - I saw her first. It's our decision.

Mrs Rosenmeyer - would it be OK? It's VERY irregular. Oh, come on -

you've got some latitude. I'm a police officer

with a husband and kids. We're only talking two weeks here. Well...

I'll have to ask my supervisor. Tell her I was Den Mother for 17 Cub Scouts for a year.

(Are you out of your mind?!)

What's the matter? You've got enough - you've got two kids of your own and your work!

I won't fall down on the job. That's not what I meant. Then what? It's unprofessional.

Unprofessional? Yes. She's afraid of what the guys'll say.

Coleman and Isbecki would never do that. She's worried we'll look like bleeding-heart women.

You wanna get off it? See?

This is not the pound! You're not taking home a Christmas puppy.

This is a little, real person here!

I'm aware of that. Who'll take care of her while you're at work? Harve. ..Wait till you meet him.

Don't you think you should ask him?

Harvey loves babies. He doesn't have anything to do until the renovation next month.

She's not going to be any trouble. No trouble at all.

Sure...

DRAMATIC MUSIC ON TV

ROARING Harve?

Yo! Hiya. Hiya, baby.

It's me. Don't look. I got something. Turn around, OK?

Turn around. OK, OK...

OK...

Hiya, men!

BOTH: Hi, Mom! I've got a surprise.

The show's almost over. Is it an Atari? Wow!

Get over here!

Stand by your father. OK? Ready?

Ta-da!

Ta-da-da...! A baby? Oh, gross!

Where'd you get her? She was abandoned and has agreed to stay with us for two weeks

until she gets a foster home. What's its name? I dunno. Atari?

No. ..Isn't she something? I knew you'd love her.

Say hi to Harve... Huh?

Hand her over. Come on, Harve, let me hold her. Let me hold her.

HE BABY TALKS

Mmm...

I couldn't explain this to Christine. What's that?

That I miss holding a little person like this in my arms. She's a doll. Oh - diaper!

I'll get it. ..Harve? Hmm? It's my birthday next month.

I know. Like vintage wine - better every year. Huh, yeah(!)

But not any younger.

We don't have forever, lover. If we want another baby, we'll have to do it soon. Wanna practise?

I don't know. It's a big decision. I keep going round and round. I don't know for sure.

I thought she could help us make up our mind, baby.

Kind of like a trial run, huh?

Harvey...get the diaper.

Diaper, diaper, diaper!

Yeah... No, Petite Jolie - J-O-L-I-E.

Yes, they're the manufacturers.

Yeah. OK, I'll wait.

Where's the cops? I'm a taxpayer!

(Josh!)

..Uh... Oh, OK. Thank you anyway.

Hi!

Do I take it that you've forgotten our lunch date?

Lunch...? No, no, I didn't forget lunch! You forgot.

I didn't. What kind of a bloody twit do you think I am?

Sorry. I've been so involved with this case. The only lead I have on this baby is her clothes.

Listen, let me take you away from all this -

just for an hour. I can't. I'm up to my bangs in this. Come on.

Why not?

What are partners for?

Take a seat.

I'm not going to beat around the bush, Lacey. I don't think it's such a hot idea.

Sir...? The baby.

Give it back before you're in too deep. This is experience talking.

Don't get involved personally in a case. I think I can handle it, sir. Good... I thought I could too.

An assault victim. We dated each other for a while and I...

Well, look - Lacey, can you handle it when you have to give the kid back? I'm set for it.

You got all the answers. Just don't let it interfere with your work!

No, sir. Thank you, sir.

Champagne for lunch? What's the occasion? Big news. What?

..Sorry, I'm on duty. You're not going to toast my news with water?

What the hell - gimme a splash! ..What is it?

I've just signed a deal to do a new play in London this spring. That's fabulous!

Break a leg! Cheers, kid.

So...

How about it? How about what?

Well... Tower of London, Hyde Park, walks along the Thames... Wait a second.

Don't turn me down till you've heard the deal.

Since my divorce, I decided to keep everything light, and I've been hard to get close to.

Well, I'm not the easiest person to get close to, either. Well...

London is the chance for us to get closer. But I have a job.

It's my career. Don't give it up - just come over for a few weeks.

I don't get vacation time till July. You could arrange something?

It doesn't work that way. I have a partner, a caseload.

With this case, I can't just fly off to London!

I wouldn't be very good company right now. How much of yourself can you give to your work?

Don't you think you ought to live a little? You don't understand - I love my work.

How can you love chasing after pimps?

In a long dress and high heels? It's grim and depressing.

Last night at 3am you didn't find me grim.

(No.)

Better get you back.

..Check, please.

What kind of milk are you using for the formula? Milk from a cow. Goat -

it's closer to human milk and you'll have fewer allergies later.

And don't neglect a good healthy dose of liquid kelp.

Kelp? It's processed seaweed - full of minerals.

And it simulates the sea-like in utero environment.

And acidophilus... for the promotion of friendly flora and to encourage elimination.

This baby doesn't need that encouragement. Ask Harve.

Sorry, Paul, I gotta go.

How was lunch? Why is nothing easy? We gotta go. I found the store.

What do you mean? Josh is the most exciting man I've ever met. That's a problem?

He thinks my work is grim. He's observant. We'll talk in the car.

Is it not the most precious? All hand work - even the buttonholes.

Very nice. Do you remember who purchased this? Yes, the mother.

She adored this combination. It's also a favourite of mine. She bought everything in those colours.

You have an address on her? I'll check.

This is cute. Isn't this adorable? Oh, yeah. Yeah.

My niece would look great in this. There's no price tags on anything.

I have it.

Thank you. Mrs Scott Jamieson? Uh-huh.

I'll check the address.

These are cute. How much are these here?

$24. For six?

For one.

Uh-huh...

The kid has got enough of these for now.

OK, thank you.

Park Avenue.

That figures. Are we going? $24! Michael's entire layette didn't cost $24!

Michael got the better deal.

And you remembered to warm up the formula? ..Oh, come on, Harve - I'm not treating you like a bimbo!

Of course he remembered. And Harve, kelp - liquid kelp.

K-E-L-P.

I dunno, Harve... A health food store.

Yeah, OK... OK.

Kiss that little lovely for me. Bye. Yes, Mr Coffman?

You'll be delighted to know that my clients, the Jamiesons, will co-operate 100%. How thoughtful(!)

We don't need their co-operation to make this charge stick. There's no abandonment.

The baby left at St Joseph's is not my clients' child. What are you trying to do?

Do you have any idea how hard it is to adopt a white, healthy infant?

We heard. The Jamiesons have been trying to adopt for three years. Finally, they found a source.

They were promised a perfect child. But they found her to be defective. Deaf.

That baby can't hear. Otherwise she's perfect.

They don't regard deafness a slight imperfection. They dumped her. Mrs Jamieson left her in a hospital.

How kind(!) Why are you wasting our time?

It's still abandonment with an adopted child.

They never legally adopted the child.

It's difficult to effectuate a certain type of adoption in this city. Where did she come from?

They purchased her from a baby broker... The price was $35,000...cash.

Now, can we come to some sort of accommodation?

Sir, we got the name of the baby broker, we got the... Jamiesons.

They're gonna co-operate. Why can't we make the collar? I checked with the DA's office,

and they're not happy with the case. What do they want?

They want the natural parents of the baby that the broker has placed. So, we get criminal solicitation

AND the social services law violation. Legal smokescreens! I don't make up the laws.

I agree with them, so we're meeting the Assistant DA -

9am, the three of us tomorrow.

Tomorrow? You can give her a hard time instead of me.

I can't go tomorrow. Why not?

It's supposed to be my day off.

Josh rented a car and we were going to go away. What will I tell him?

That you have to work. You know how understanding he is about my work(!)

Christine, I hate to discourage you about a man, but maybe he's the wrong one for you.

Maybe everyone's the wrong one for me. Well, it must be ME.

I mean, if enough people tell you you're drunk, lie down.

You got to make compromises to be with a man.

A lot of compromises!

God, I hate compromises!

W P Jarvis - attorney. We've been trying to build a case against him.

The Jamiesons will testify that they purchased a baby from him. A jury might not convict on that.

I want him to solicit a mother to abandon her baby. We had a 16-year-old willing to testify.

DID have? She disappeared.

We can't prove it, but Jarvis may have paid her off, or who knows?

Nice fella we got here(!) Jarvis solicits pregnant women at the welfare office.

Where do we come in? Assign a female officer -

padded out to look pregnant - waiting to be solicited.

We have to be very careful about entrapment. Let him make the first move. We get Rita Higuero?

Yes. A blonde officer is best. Huh?

Blonde, blue-eyed babies go for the most on the baby farms.

I'm not wearing a maternity dress with bows on! I'll send a male detective as a husband.

You have a blond detective? Oh, yeah.

Does HE have to be blond?

How's my blushing bride? Going home.

Sounds good to me! Where are you going? Home with the little woman.

You have to be pregnant tomorrow, so I thought... Don't think!

Oh, you're back. There you go.

Gorgeous!

OK. Oh, I don't know what to eat!

I feel like such a blimp. You look great. ..Doesn't she?

You look wonderful. I'm three pounds overweight.

So order the fish. It's great. We'll order it dry. Oh, why not?!

It's just so confusing - which diet to be on!

- First they say, "Forget carbs and eat protein." - Remember the water maven?

The worst! Noting but meat and so much water, your kidneys floated!

- Now they say meat raises your cholesterol. - What about cellulite?

You should see these thighs! When I saw that glorious bod, there was no cellulite!

Well... Hang on there a minute!

Before you get your duelling pistol, she appeared in the buff in the play we did off Broadway a few years ago.

Yeah. Oh, I'm not jealous! ..Do I look jealous? Do I?

I love it when you do your caveman number. Come on.

THEY LAUGH

Well, have you decided?

I don't know. I'm not real hungry. Oh, don't fast!

You'll lose it quick, but will gain it back just as quickly! Believe me!

I'm not dieting.

You're lucky! You don't have to be in front of a camera. It adds 10lb!

When I went out to the coast to do that picture with Clint, I asked for fresh salads in my dressing room.

You should've heard the uproar!

You would've thought I'd asked for my picture above the title!

Every suit in the studio descends, with cost sheets telling me the picture had gone over budget!

We're taking about a salad here! A little itsy-bitsy salad!

Why couldn't you just relax and enjoy yourself? Was I rude? You hardly said a thing.

I'm sorry, but dieting is not my favourite topic of conversation.

She babbled on for 45 minutes as if it's the best thing in the world!

You don't like that sort of people, do you?

Frankly, I find them very full of themselves and rather superficial.

Yeah, well, they're not as fascinating as cops(!)

But cops talk about REAL things! Yeah - pimps and junkies! That is a barrel of laughs(!)

Josh, I'm sorry! But I find it very difficult to deal with work

AND spend my entire evening consumed with her cellulite!

You can't live in the gutter just cos you work there.

What does that mean? Stop taking it home with you.

Where should I leave it?! I mean...! Wait a minute!

I see people eat dog food cos they can't afford a decent meal, and she's worried about losing weight?!

Different people live in different worlds! You CAN move between them! Oh?! How about selling children,

and she's worried about having a salad sent to her dressing room?!

Let me tell you something, pal. The next time somebody steals your bloody sports car, call an actress!

I just might. Wait. Where are you going?!

I thought you were gonna spend the night. Under the circumstances...

What circumstances?! I'm angry! I am not dead!

Not tonight. ..Got a headache(?)

Oh, well, I guess I'm just not in the mood.

Josh, come...

This just isn't gonna work for you and me, is it?

Well, frankly, I don't find you very appealing when you behave this way.

Really?

Well, isn't that terrific(?)

Good night.

It must be tough to do, with both parents working. LAUGHTER

But you and Claudia are doing fine, right? I wouldn't go that far.

What do you do with Lauren? Daycare? Claudia's mother.

Daycare, baby-sitting... It's the logistics that kill you.

That bad, huh? You know the worst part? What?

The only one who knows if it's working out is Lauren, and she's too little to say. Don't worry.

When she's 13, you'll hear from her...constantly. Thank you(!)

The most important thing you can do is not to let them walk too early. I beg your pardon?!

Well, premature homolateral movement can cause severe switching in the cerebral hemispheres.

You know - right brain, left brain?

See that? ..His parents probably encouraged him to walk too soon.

Ah, here comes Ma and Pa Kettle now. How'd it go? Nothing!

Hey, Josie! So? ..We stood in line for six hours, not one bite. I tell you, my feet are killing me!

Hey, Lacey. You got one terrific partner there. You wanna trade?

I'll give you Petrie and two draft choices. No, thank you, Victor.

Six hours with Isbecki. You must've had a time. Oh, he's not so bad.

Actually, he's a good cop. He thinks I'm very interesting.

You had a fight with Josh.

We just came to an understanding. What kind of an understanding?

He thinks actresses are more his type.

Oh.

Mmm, thanks. That feels so good.

I'm sorry, Chris. I don't care. It's not a big loss.

Harv's making his famous pot roast tonight. Wanna come join us? I think I'll get to bed early.

Yeah, you look a little tired. Yeah? Pregnancy'll do that to you!

Mary Beth? Hiya, gorgeous. Hiya, baby.

HE SIGHS

Where's Jeanie? Jeanie?

She's sleeping.

I thought you said we weren't gonna name her?

Make it too hard when... We have to give her up, yeah.

It's just, today, I thought about her as Jeanie. You know?

Er... Jeanie with the light brown hair.

Like that song. Let's adopt her, Harv.

Let's adopt her. I thought we were baby-sitting for two weeks here.

Is she a problem...? Slow down! Not for you, but what happens when I have to start work again?

I won't be here to watch her. We did it twice before.

No, my MOTHER did it twice! She starts a new job next week. So we get daycare!

How else do other families manage? Mary Beth, she's going to need special attention. The deafness!

It's not a problem now, but... There's special schools. We'll all learn sign language.

Oh, you don't wanna do it. Mary Beth, listen to me! She's a doll. I'm crazy about her!

But you and me, we are finally getting to a stage in our lives!

The boys'll be self-sufficient soon! We can go places! We can do things...!

You don't wanna do it! There's nothing more to say. Did I say no?

BABY CRIES She knows we're talking about her? Jeanie? Yeah. Nice name.

Honey? Either way, I love you.

CRYING CONTINUES OK, all right! We're coming!

Think it over. 18 more years, she'll be out of the house.

What? Are you two just gonna stand in line all day?

I'll handle this, honey.

You haven't completed these forms properly.

Oh, yeah?

Sorry. It's kinda new for us. It's embarrassing. I've never been out of work. This isn't right!

Let's get out of here, please... No need for the missus to have false pride! Not in her condition.

Yeah. Look, er...

It's possible I can help you out. ..Really help you out. None of this Mickey Mouse government stuff.

This guy's a lawyer. Helps people like you get back on their feet.

I'll call him. Tell him you're on your way over there.

Thank you very much.

How much do you need? Hmm? I thought you said there was trouble in lending money?

I've also been known to say that it's greater to give than receive, provided both sides do some giving.

There are a lot of fine people in this city. Rich, generous people. These folks have everything.

Save for one thing.

They don't have children.

Legal heirs to their fortunes. And they're grieving for it.

Look, Mother...

You have something growing in your belly that these folks would pay dearly to possess.

My baby?! I know that may sound a little hard,

but think of that child of yours growing up in a beautiful house with toys, clothes, college, computers...

Think of yourselves. Now, you're young. You will have other children.

This time, you'll have a $15,000 nest egg to see to the future.

You're saying you'll buy our baby for $15,000? Cash.

Plus all hospital and incidental expenses.

Did you get it? Loud and clear. ..Mr Jarvis, you have the right to remain silent.

If you give up that right, anything you say can and will be held against you in a court of law...

You should've seen Cagney! She was great! Wide-eyed, sweet.

Then, all of a sudden, BAM! "OK, buster, you're under arrest." I thought he'd lose it there.

Come on. It was no big deal! Credit where it's due... Enough already!

The assistant DA is happy. She's filed Jarvis for conspiracy, child selling and criminal solicitation.

We got one welfare clerk, and they're seeing if they find others. What about the parents?

Child abandonment and endangering. We're bringing them both in. Did you get the file on Jeanie?

Yes. May I see it?

Ann Jessop. ..You're gonna arrest her? Yeah.

I'll bring her in. No, Lacey. The uniforms are making the collars. Please, sir... Lacey!

Forget it.

So, what do you think? Should I cut more off the top?

Harv and I decided we're gonna try to adopt her.

Oh, yeah?

That's wonderful! Lieutenant should've let me bring the mother in. For what?

So you can yell at her and threaten her?

I wanna see her! Mary Beth, don't see her!

It's only gonna make you feel bad. I'll never have peace with this!

I don't understand it! There's nothing to understand!

Some people you can't understand! Now, go home! You don't wanna be here when they bring her in.

No, I'm staying here. You're going out of your way to cause yourself pain, my friend. No!

Some day, Jeanie's gonna ask me, and I'll need something to say.

No way!

You keep that on my tab.

I ask you out, your my guest.

Here's to fighting crime and pursuing justice,

and if you don't know it, I'll hum a few bars(!)

Isn't that good?! You having fun? To tell you the truth, I'm not used to girls taking me out on dates.

Especially not you.

But I was... I was surprised when you asked me out.

Is that good surprised or bad surprised?

What do you think? I don't know! I'm asking! You might find me grim and depressing and unappealing!

That's a joke, right?

I never joke, Victor.

Let me ask you something.

What do you REALLY think of me? Is this serious?

Well, er...

I think you're really a looker.

I think you're funny. I think you're smart.

And I think you're a good cop.

Enough? More.

You're scintillating, captivating,

exciting, enchanting...

OK. Now for the acid test. Are you ready?

This is the question.

Would you throw me out of bed on a cold night?

That is the joke, right?

It was supposed to be a come-on.

Oh, I get it. I say yes, and you laugh in my face, right? Victor. Do you want me or not?

We are two consenting adults. So which is it? Your place or mine?

You've got hurt feelings.

Or something.

You don't want me. Not tonight, at least.

I'm gonna hate myself in the morning.

I'm Detective Lacey, Mrs Jessop.

Did they tell you you don't have to talk to me?

I just wanted you to know that my husband and I have been taking care of your daughter.

I never really saw her, you know.

They took her away in the delivery room.

What does she look like?

Pretty.

She's pretty. She's got big blue eyes, but I think they'll go brown.

And a healthy appetite.

Mrs Jessop? Did they tell you in the hospital that she's deaf? I don't care. I want her back!

You gave her away, Mrs Jessop. You sold her.

We were living in two rooms without heat! I already had two children!

They gave me...money. Yeah, $15,000. You should've hung around for the mark-up.

When they sold her again, it was 35(!) (Shut up!)

I didn't... I didn't really know her yet. Can't you understand that?

She was just...

..something inside of me!

I want her back!

That's for a court to decide. She's MY baby! What'll you do next time you can't make rent?

You're not gonna get her, you know.

I... The courts always decide in favour of the natural mother. Maybe! She's mine.

My Sarah.

Sarah?! That's the name that I gave her when I was carrying her.

It's a pretty name, isn't it?

Yes, a very pretty name.

Hey, lady... She needs more from you than a name.

I hope to God she gets it.

KNOCK ON DOOR

Yeah? It's Chris!

LOCK RATTLES

Hiya. Thanks for coming. Sure.

Sit down.

Where's Harvey?

He's getting her dressed. We got her a sweet outfit. Oh, yeah? Yeah.

So, why don't you keep her until the trial's over?

Oh, the bureau wants her in a foster home. So fight 'em!

No. Why not?

Her mother is not so bad!

Oh, it's easy to judge, Chris. It's easy to judge. How do I know what I would've done?

I know what you'd do. You'd eat dog food if you had to.

The court's won't give her to me.

The preference is the natural mother.

Well, at least that she's OK, though, huh? The mother?

Yeah. You can keep an eye on her.

Yeah. That's good. Yeah.

You and Harvey should have one the old-fashioned way, you know? Yeah? Mm-hm.

Oh...

Christine, I feel so sad.

SHE SOBS

KNOCK ON DOOR Mary Beth... Mrs Rottenmeyer.

What?! ROSENmeyer!

Hello, come on in. Officer Lacey. Yeah, you remember Officer Cagney?

Harv! Mrs Rosenmeyer's here! HER VOICE BREAKS

Well, she looks like she's been very well taken care of. ..We really appreciate that.

So long, kid. Of all the gin joints in the world, you had to walk into this one.

I'll be thinking about you, Jeanie.

Poor little thing. She can't hear a word. That's what you think.

Bye, funny face. Oh...

There you go. And... Bye. ..thank you.

Have a beautiful life, Sarah.

Want a beer?

I'll get it.

Subtitles by Karin Anderson and Raymond Morrison, BBC Broadcast 2003