The Idiot's Lantern Doctor Who

Orchestrations were arranged by Sir Rhodri Fenning,

and Dame Evelyn Blish is a member of the Kings Lynn players.

So tune in again next week for more from the What's My Line? team.

And that brings us to the end of programming for today.

So, from all of us here at Alexandra Palace, a very good night.

£200 overdrawn.

I need a miracle.

NATIONAL ANTHEM PLAYS ON TELEVISION

LAUGHTER

He's a caution, that one, he does make me laugh.

-Oh, our lord and master.

-Rita, I'm off out.

-Dad?

Oh, how many times, son? We'll see.

But everyone's getting a telly, Dad, even Mr Gallagher. And the Bells at number 67.

Well, perhaps we'll get one for the Coronation.

If you're lucky. We'll see.

-Don't wait up.

-I heard they rot your brains.

Rot them into soup and your brain comes pouring out of your ears.

That's what television does!

Mr Magpie?

Oh, Mr Magpie?

Eh?

You-hoo! Can you hear me, Magpie?

Yes.

-I must be dreaming...

-Oh, no. This isn't a dream.

-I'm going doolally, then.

-Not at all, sweetheart.

Now, are you sitting comfortably?

Good. Then we'll begin.

SHE LAUGHS, HE SCREAMS

I thought we'd be going for the Vegas era.

You know, the white flares and the chest hair.

You are kidding! If you wanna see Elvis, you go for the late Fifties.

The time before burgers, when they called him the Pelvis and he still had a waist!

-What's more, you see him in style!

-ENGINE REVS

-You going my way, doll?

-Is there any other way to go, daddio?

Straight from the fridge, man!

-Ah, you speak the lingo!

-Yeah, well...

-Me, Mum, Cliff Richard movies - every Bank Holiday Monday.

-Cliff!

I knew your mother'd be a Cliff fan.

-Where're we off to?

-Ed Sullivan TV studios.

Elvis did Hound Dog and there were complaints.

-Bit of luck, we'll just catch it.

-That'd be TV studios in...

-What, New York?

-That's the one!

-SHE LAUGHS

-Dig that New York vibe!

Well, this could still be New York.

I mean, this looks very New York to me.

A sort of... Londony New York, mind, but...

What're all the flags for?

# We want Muffin Everybody sings!

-# We want Muffin the Mule.. #

-Smashing!

Smashing, innit?

You'd have thought they was in the room with ya!

Fair do's, Tommy, you had a point.

New television. There, that should cheer you up a bit, Rita?

Give us a smile, then, eh?

I can't. Nothing's the same any more. Not with her...

Stop going on about it!

But her face, Eddie.

What happened to her?

-That awful face.

-I said, stop it!

LOUD BANGING

She's awake!

I think she's hungry.

There you go, sir! All wired up for the great occasion.

-Great occasion? What do you mean?

-Where you been living, out in the colonies?

The Coronation, of course!

And what Coronation's that, then?

What do you mean? THE Coronation!

It's the Queen's! Queen Elizabeth!

-Oh! Is this 1953?

-Last time I looked!

Time for a lovely bit of pomp and circumstance, what we do best!

Look at all the TV aerials.

Looks like everyone's got one.

That's weird, my nan said tellys were so rare, they all had to pile into one house.

Not around here, love. Magpie's Marvellous Tellys, only five quid a pop.

Oh, but this is a brilliant year, classic!

Technicolor, Everest climbed, everything off the ration.

A nation throwing off the shadows of war and looking forward to a happier, brighter future!

Someone help me, please! Ted!

-Leave him alone, that's my husband! Please!

-What's going on?

-Oi! What are you doing?!

-Police business, get out of the way, sir.

-Who'd they take?

-Do you know him?

-Must be Mr Gallagher.

But it's happening all over the place - they're turning into monsters.

Tommy! Not one word!

Get inside, now!

Sorry, I'd better do as he says.

All aboard!

Operation Market Stall. Go! Go! Go!

Lost them. How did they get away from us?

I'm surprised they didn't turn back and arrest you for reckless driving. Have you passed your test?

Men in black? Vanishing police cars?

This is Churchill's England, not Stalin's Russia.

Monsters, that boy said. Maybe we should go and ask the neighbours.

That's what I like about you.

The domestic approach.

Thank you.

Hold on, was that an insult?

I've finished it.

As you instructed.

That's awfully good of you, Mr Magpie.

So you'll go soon? You'll leave me?

We'll see.

-If you're a very good boy.

-Please.

You're burning me.

Inside, behind my eyes. It hurts.

Even my memories hurt.

I just want things back like they used to be.

Oh, but this world of yours is busy, busy, busy! Forging ahead into a brand-new age!

You can never go back, that's your tragedy.

But now... the time is almost ripe, Magpie.

Cometh the hour, cometh the man.

Or lady.

THUD!

Gran?

Gran, it's me, it's Tommy.

I'm gonna come in, Gran. Stand back, just don't...

I'm sorry, but I've got to come in.

What do you think you're doing?

We've got to try and help her, Dad.

Give me that key.

I said, give me that key, right now.

Don't think I've finished with you.

All the warnings I've given you and every time, every time, you disobey me!

-But we can't just lock her away.

-Excuse me, sunshine. I am talking.

You can forget that college nonsense.

You are gonna come and work alongside me.

Get your hands dirty for once. THUDS FROM UPSTAIRS

Oh, Lord. Won't she ever stop?

THUDS CONTINUES There, there, Rita my sweet.

Business as usual.

Now, let's get these up all over the house, in honour of her Majesty.

-But, Eddie, what if she's dying?

-I am talking!

That's better. A little bit of hush.

DOORBELL RINGS

BOTH: Hi!

-Who are you, then?

-Let's see. Judging by the look of you,

family man, nice house, fought in the war, therefore, I represent Queen and country.

Just doing a little check of her forthcoming Majesty's subjects before the great day.

Oh, er, very nice, very well kept. I'd like to congratulate you, Mrs...

-Connolly.

-Rita, I can handle this. This gentleman's a proper representative.

Don't mind the wife, she rattles on.

Well, maybe she should rattle on a bit more.

I'm not convinced you're doing your patriotic duty.

Those flags, why are they not flying?

There we are, Rita! I told you!

-Get them up! Queen and Country!

-I'm sorry.

-Get it done, do it now.

-Hold on a minute.

-Like the gentleman says.

-Hold on a minute. You've got hands, Mr Connolly.

-Two big hands, so why is that your wife's job?

-Well, it's housework, innit?

-And that's a woman's job?

-Course it is.

Mr Connolly, what gender is the Queen?

-She's a female.

-Then are you suggesting the Queen does the housework?

-No, not at all.

-Then get busy!

Right. Yes, sir.

You'll be proud of us, sir!

-We'll have Union Jacks left, right and centre!

-Excuse me, Mr Connolly? Hang on a minute.

-Union Jacks?

-Yes, that's right, isn't it?

-That's the Union Flag.

-It's the Union Jack only when it's flown at sea.

-Oh. Oh, I'm sorry. I do apologise.

Well, don't get it wrong again, there's a good man. Now get to it!

Right then, nice and comfy.

At her Majesty's leisure!

-Union Flag?

-Mum went out with a sailor.

I bet she did. ..Anyway, I'm the Doctor, and this is Rose, and you are?

-Tommy.

-Well, sit yourself down, Tommy.

Have a look at this.

-I love telly, don't you?

-Yeah, I think it's brilliant.

-Good man!

Keep working, Mr C! ..Now, why don't you tell me what's wrong?

-Did you say you were a doctor?

-Yes, I am.

Can you help her? Oh, please. Can you help her, Doctor?

-Now then, Rita, I don't think the gentleman needs to know...

-Oh, the gentleman does.

Tell us what's wrong and we can help.

It's all right. It's all right. Come here.

-Oh, it's all right.

-Hold on a minute.

Queen and Country's one thing, but this is my house!

What the... What the hell am I doing?!

Now you listen here, Doctor.

You may have fancy qualifications, but what goes on under my roof is my business!

-Not if people are being...

-I am talking!

And I'm not listening!

Now you are staring into a deep, dark pit of trouble if you don't let me help.

So I'm ordering you, sir - tell me what's going on!

THUDS FROM UPSTAIRS

She won't stop.

She never stops.

We started hearing stories, all round the place.

People who...changed. Families keeping it secret, cos they were scared.

Then the police started finding out. We don't know how, no-one does.

They just turn up, come to the door and take them, any time of the day or night.

Show me.

Gran?

It's Tommy. It's all right, Gran. I've brought help.

Her face is completely gone.

Scarcely an electrical impulse left.

Almost complete neural shut-down, it's just ticking over.

-It's like her brain's been...wiped clean.

-What are we gonna do, Doctor?

-We can't even feed her!

-We've got company!

-They've come for her!

-What was she doing before this happened?

-Tell me, quickly, think!

-She doesn't leave the house. She was just...

Hold on, there are three important, brilliant

and complicated reasons why you should listen to me. One...

Doctor!

Leave her alone, you'll hurt her! Mum!

-Doctor!

-Don't hurt her!

-Back inside, Rita.

-She's my mother!

-Back inside now, I said!

Hell of a right hook! Have to watch out for that.

Don't fight it, back inside!

-Rose! Come on!

-Get back inside!

-Don't fight it, son. Don't fight it!

-Rose! We're gonna lose them again!

-Dad, they took her! That was Gran, and they took her!

-Come on, back inside!

How did they find her, who told them?

You! Get the hell out of my house!

I'm going, I'm done.

Nice to meet you, Tommy, Mrs Connolly.

And as for you, Mr Connolly, only an idiot hangs the Union Flag upside down.

Shame on you!

Oh, very good.

Very good.

Stay where you are!

Oh, I'm sorry, miss, I'm afraid you're too late.

I was just about to lock the door.

Yeah? Well, I wanna buy a telly.

Come back tomorrow. Please.

You'll be closed, won't you?

What?

For the big day?

The Coronation?

Yes. Yes, of course. The big day.

I'm sure you'll find somewhere to watch it. Please go.

Seems to me, half of London's got a television, since you're practically giving 'em away.

-I have my reasons.

-And what are they?

Hungry!

-Hungry!

-What's that?

It's just the television.

One of these modern programmes.

Now, I really do think you should leave, right now.

Not until you've answered my questions.

-How come your televisions are so cheap?

-It's my patriotic duty.

Seems only right that as many folk as possible get to watch the Coronation.

We may be losing the Empire, but we can still be proud!

20 million people they reckon'll be watching. Imagine that!

And 20 million people can't be wrong, eh?

So why don't you get yourself home, and get up early for the big day?

No, I'm not leaving till I've seen everything.

I need to close.

Mr Magpie...

something's happening out there.

Ordinary people are being struck down and changed,

and the only new thing in the house is a television.

Your television.

What's going on?

I knew this would happen.

I knew I'd be found out.

All right, then, just you and me.

You gonna come clean, then?

-What's really in it for you?

-For me?

Perhaps some peace.

-From what?

-From her.

-But that's just a woman on the telly, that's just a programme.

-What a pretty little girl.

Oh, my God. Are you talking to me?

Yes. I'm talking to you, little one.

Unseasonably chilly for the time of year, don't you think?

What are you?

I'm The Wire!

And I am hungry!

Magpie, help me!

Just think of that audience tomorrow, my dear, all settling down to watch the Coronation.

20 million people.

Things will never be the same again. ROSE YELLS

-I'm sorry, so sorry.

-Help me!

Good night, children, everywhere.

Start from the beginning, tell me everything you know.

Well, for starters,

I know you can't wrap your hand around your elbow and make your fingers meet.

Don't get clever with me! You were there today, at Florizel Street, and now, breaking into this place.

Oh, you're connected to this, make no mistake.

Well, the thing is, Detective Inspector Bishop...

-How do you know my name?

-It's written inside your collar.

Bless your mum. But I can't help thinking, Detective Inspector,

you're not exactly doing much detective inspecting, are you?

-I'm doing everything in my power.

-You're grabbing the faceless people and hiding them. Don't tell me.

Orders from above?

It's Coronation day, the eyes of the world are on London town,

so any sort of problem just gets swept out of sight.

The nation has an image to maintain.

But doesn't it drive you mad, doing nothing? Don't you want to get out there and investigate?

Course I do, but...

With all the crowds expected, we haven't got the manpower.

Even if we did, this is beyond anything we've ever seen.

I just don't know any more.

20 years on the force, and I don't even know where to start.

-We haven't the faintest clue what's going on.

-Well...

That could change.

How?

Start from the beginning. Tell me everything you know.

We started finding them about a month ago.

Persons left sans visage. Heads just...blank.

-But is there any sort of pattern?

-It's spreading out from North London.

All over the city - men, women, kids, grannies.

-Only real lead is there's been quite a large number in...

-Florizel Street.

-Found another one, sir.

-Good man, Crabtree, here we are, Doctor.

Take a good look. See what you can deduce.

Rose...

You know her?

Know her? She's...

Found her in the street, apparently, down by Damascus Road.

Just abandoned. That's unusual, that's the first one in the open...

VOICE FADES, THEN RETURNS ..we'll have Torchwood on our backs then...

-They did what?

-I'm sorry?

-They left her where?!

-Just in the street.

In the street? They left her in the street.

They took her face, and just chucked her out and left her in the street.

And as a result, that makes things simple.

Very, very simple. D'you know why?

-No...

-Because now, Detective Inspector Bishop, there is no power on this Earth that can stop me.

Come on!

The big day dawns.

You've had your fun with your little doctor.

But now you're left with me, Rita, so you'll behave yourself.

And smile!

Here we go, everyone, here we go! Grub's up! Grub's up!

Tuck in, everyone! Tuck in. Take a sandwich.

Oh, here we go, here we go, it's started!

Look, look, take your places, sit down, sit down.

Rita, love, just look at that telly-box, then!

Eh, innit marvellous? The picture's so clear!

Ere, Bet, I says to Rita, I says, "You didn't need to get your hair done special, love.

"The Queen won't be able to see you!"

Where's your old Mum, then? She can't go missing it!

-Sorry, Mum can't make it down.

-Aww! Bless her.

Maybe we could pop up and see her later.

Maybe you could! It's a good idea, what d'you think, Dad?

Maybe Aunty Betty could go and see Gran later!

Oh, he loves his Gran, this one.

-Proper little mummy's boy all round.

-Ooh, you know what they say about them!

-Eddie, you want to beat that out of him!

-That's exactly what I'm gonna do.

-DOORBELL RINGS

-I'll get it.

ON TV: '..will first appear in about 10 minutes' time, riding in the gold coach of state.'

Tommy. Talk to me. I need to know exactly what happened inside your house.

-What the blazes d'you think you're doing?

-I wanna help, Dad!

-Mr Connolly...

Shut your face, you! Whoever you are!

We can handle this ourselves!

Listen, you little twerp. You're hardly out of the bloomin' cradle,

so I don't expect you to understand. But I've got a position to maintain.

People round here respect me. It matters what people think.

Is that why you did it, Dad?

-What d'you mean? Did what?

-You ratted on Gran.

How else would the police know where to look? Unless some coward told them.

How dare you?!

You think I fought a war just so a mouthy little scum like you could call me a coward?!

You don't get it, do you? You fought against fascism, remember?

People telling you how to live... who you could be friends with, who you could fall in love with!

Who could live and who had to die! Don't you get it?

You were fighting so that twerps like me could do what we want, say what we want.

Now you've become just like them. You've been informing on everyone, haven't you? Even Gran.

-All to protect your precious reputation!

-Eddie?

Is that true?

I did it for us, Rita!

She was filthy.

A filthy, disgusting thing.

She's my mother!

All the others you informed on? All the people in our street? Our friends?

I had to.

- I...I did the right thing. - The right thing for us?

Or for you, Eddie?

You go, Tommy. Go with the Doctor and do some good.

Get away from this house. It's poison.

We've had a ruddy monster under our roof all right... but it weren't my mother!

Rita!

Tommy?

-What was all that, then?

-That was... That was the sound of something ending.

And about time too. Everyone all right?

Smashing! Nothing's going to spoil our big day, is it?

-Tommy, tell me about that night. The night she changed.

-She was just watching the telly.

Rose said it! She guessed it straight away!

All these aerials in one little street. How come?

-Bloke up the road. Mr Magpie. He's selling them cheap.

-Is he now?

-Come on!

-Ere! You can't do that...

-Shop!

If you're here, come out and talk to me!

-Magpie!

-Maybe he's out.

-Looks like it.

Oh, hello. ..This isn't right. This is very much not right.

Tastes like iron. Bakelite. Knocked together with human hands, yes.

But the design itself...

Oh, beautiful work - that is so simple.

That's incredible, it's like a television...but portable...

A portable television!

And it's not the only power source in this room.

VOICES ARE SILENT

Gran!

I'm on my way.

-What do you think you're doing?

-I want my friend restored.

I think that's beyond a little back street electrician, so tell me who's in charge!

Yoo-hoo. I think that must be me.

Ooh!

-This one's smart as paint!

-Is she talking to us?

I'm sorry, but I'm afraid you brought this on yourselves. May I introduce you to my new...friend?

Jolly nice to meet you!

Oh, my God. It's her. That woman off the telly!

-No. It's just using her image.

-What... What are you?

I'm The Wire! And I will gobble you up, pretty boy!

Every last morsel!

And when I have feasted...

I shall regain the corporeal body which my fellow kind denied me!

Good Lord. Colour television!

-So your own people tried to stop you?

-They executed me.

But I escaped, in this form.

And fled across the stars.

And now, you're trapped in the television.

Not for much longer.

-Doctor! Is this what got my Gran?

-Yes, Tommy.

It feeds off the electrical activity of the brain.

But it gorges itself like a great, over-fed pig.

-Taking people's faces, their essence, as it stuffs itself.

-And you let her do it, Magpie.

I had to. She allowed me my face. She promised to release me at the Time of Manifestation.

-What does that mean?!

-The appointed time.

My crowning glory!

Doctor! The Coronation.

For the first time in history, millions gathered around a television set.

But you're not strong enough yet, are you?

You can't do it all from here.

That's why you need this! It needs something more powerful.

This'll turn a big transmitter into a big receiver.

What a clever thing you are.

But why fret about it?

Why not just relax? Kick off your shoes and enjoy the Coronation.

Believe me! You'll be glued to the screen!

-Doctor!

-Oh, my...

-Hungry! Hungry!

The Wire is hungry! Oh! This one is tasty!

Oh! I'll have lashings of him.

Delicious!

Armed!

He's armed and clever.

Withdraw! Withdraw!

The box, Magpie, the box!

Hold tight!

Conduct me to my victory, Magpie!

Hungry! Hungry!

Feed me!

-Ooh, she's so lovely!

-Beautiful.

Makes you forget all your troubles!

Everyone all right for pop?

-Tommy! Wake up! Tommy, come on!

-What happened?

Where's Magpie?

We don't even know where to start looking! It's too late.

It's never too late! As a wise person once said.

Kylie, I think. The Wire's got big plans. It'll need...

It's gonna harvest half the population!

-Millions and millions of people. And where are we?

-Muswell Hill.

Muswell Hill! Muswell Hill! Which means...Alexandra Palace!

Biggest TV transmitter in North London!

-That's why it chose this place!

-What're you gonna do?!

I'm going shopping.

This what you want?

Perfect! Right, I need one more thing.

Got it! Let's go!

I can't do this!

Please! Please don't make me...

The time is at hand!

Feed me!

Feed me!

-There!

-Come on!

Wait! Where'd we think we're...? Oh! I'm very sorry, sir!

-Shouldn't you be at the Coronation?

-They're saving me a seat!

-Who'd he think you were?

-King of Belgium, apparently.

Keep this switched on. Don't let anyone stop you, Tommy! Everything depends on it, you understand?

You'll get yourself killed up there! Your Majesty!

FEED ME!

Oh, feast!

Feasting!

The Wire is feasting!

It's too late.

Too late for all of us.

I shall consume you, Doctor!

-I won't let you do this, Magpie.

-Help me, Doctor!

It burns!

It took my face. My soul!

You cannot stop The Wire.

Soon I shall become manifest.

No more. No more of this.

You promised me peace!

Then peace you shall have.

Aaargh!

MANIACAL LAUGHTER

Been burning the candle at both ends?

You've over-extended yourself, missus.

You shouldn't have had a crack at poor old Magpie there.

Rubber soles. Swear by 'em!

Oh, dear. Has our little plan gone horribly wrong, Doctor?

No-o-o-o!

No!

It's close down, I'm afraid, and no epilogue.

LOUD SCREAM

EXCITED CHATTER

NATIONAL ANTHEM ON TV

-What have I missed?

-Doctor! What happened?

Sorted. Electrical creature. TV technology.

Clever alien life-form - that's me, by the way.

I turned the receiver back into a transmitter, then I trapped The Wire in here.

I just invented the home video 30 years early.

Betamax!

Oh, look!

God Save The Queen, eh?

# God save the Queen... #

HUGE CHEER FROM CROWD ON TV

There's my grandson!

This was never your house - it's in my mother's name.

And on her behalf, I'm telling you...

Out!

We could go down the Mall. Join in with the crowds.

Nah, that's just pomp and circumstance.

-This is history, right here.

-The domestic approach.

-Exactly.

Will it...? That thing... Is it trapped for good?

-On video?

-Hope so. Just to be on the safe side

I'll use my knowledge of trans-temporal extirpation methods

-to neutralise the residual electronic pattern.

-You what?

-I'm gonna tape over over it.

-Leave it with me, I'm always doing that!

Tommy, you can have the scooter. Little present.

Best, em, keep it in the garage for a few years, though.

Good riddance.

Is that it, then, Tommy? New monarch, new age, new world.

No room for a man like Eddie Connolly?

That's right. He deserves it.

Tommy. Go after him.

What for?

-He's your dad.

-He's an idiot.

Course he is. Like I said, he's your Dad.

But you're clever.

Clever enough to save the world. So don't stop there. Go on.

We're beyond the reach of the Tardis's knowledge!

This writing is old! Impossibly old!

-People! Look at that - real people.

-That's us! Hooray!

The beast and his armies shall rise from the pit...

-Whatever it is, it's not a natural phenomenon.

-We could revolutionise modern science.

-We could use it to fuel the empire.

-Or start a war.

-That's a black hole.

-But that's impossible!

Subtitles by Raymond Morrison Red Bee Media - 2006

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