Doctor Love Doctors

RADIO: 'Good morning and welcome to...'

SWITCHES RADIO OFF

SHE MURMURS

And the doctor is in!

Hurrah! Dr Davey Love. Aah!

Live, just about, on Letherbridge FM. Good morning!

Or if you're me,

good morning after the night after the morning after the night before.

Coming up, 65 hours here

on the massive, the gigantic,

on the walking bowlegged cos it's so humungous, Love-In!

72 hours of love here on Letherbridge FM,

all in aid of the wonderful Laurels Care Home for the elderly.

Got to hit that 20,000 smacker jackpot...

Bong! ..before I turn back into a pumpkin!

HE LAUGHS

So the lines are open for anyone looking to donate,

or, indeed, looking for love.

News headlines!

Same as yesterday. Travel update...

Don't move, don't touch that dial, because on line four we've got Rita, who's looking for Mr Right!

Who is he, Rita?

'I wouldn't be calling if I knew that, Davey!

'I've only ever met Mr Wrong.'

'All part of the Love-Match Challenge, Rita.'

MOBILE RINGS 'I'm sure the perfect fella's out there right now,

'reaching for the blinking phone.'

'Mr Leave-His-Toenails-On Me-Dining-Room-Table,

-'Mr Up-Him...'

-SWITCHES RADIO OFF

'Right, well, Dr Love is here for you, Rita.'

Oh, I wish he was here. I could do with a bit of Dr Love.

-Oh!

-Oh, do we have to?

-SWITCHES RADIO OFF

Oi, I was listening to that!

I had to do his medical check last night. It was a right laugh.

-And it's for charity.

-Yeah, charity cases maybe.

Oh, ignore him.

SWITCHES RADIO ON

Mr Sulky Boy needs to lighten up.

SHE CHUCKLES

WHIRRING IN BACKGROUND What's that?

'A hairdryer, darling. I'm doing a blow-dry.

'Yes, Hyacinth, I'm on the radio.

'Put your hands down, Gladys, I know you're next.'

Oh, the salon, right.

OK, listen, Rita, I'll do my best to track down Mr Right,

and you have defo narrowed things down.

So who's up for it? Jonno, any gentlemen callers?

Jem.

Well, well, if it isn't my regular producer, Jemma.

Didn't know you were down for another Love-In session.

Medical emergency, Dr Love.

Jonno got bored and slipped into a coma. It's touch and go.

Oh, yeah, just the way the doctor likes it!

Love 'em and leave 'em. HONKS HORN

Nice to see you're keen.

What's the first move, boss?

Well, I've got a meeting with the Stafford top brass,

and you're driving me.

'So anyone who's a bit of a softy, really.

'Cuddles on the sofa, you know?

'Footie and chips, that type of thing.'

Yeah, you go, Ron! You sell that dream, mate!

Ratings aren't bad. Sponsors'll be happy.

This might be one of his better ideas,

especially if he makes that jackpot.

-'Maybe the odd pickled egg.'

-Yeah, got the gist, Ron.

As have all those lucky ladies out there. Pickled...

footie and chips on the sofa. Because you're worth it.

Right, lines are wide open for Ron,

so why not flash us some cash for the Laurels?

Make it worth my while, eh? I might love match Rita and Ron,

get a bit of R-and-R action, eh?

Think pickled eggs are one of the few no-nos

-I can't specifically remember her mentioning.

-Davey?

-Yeah. Do you hear that?

-What?

-The call...

-of nature!

-Davey!

SHE SIGHS

And for things being so hard for young people these days,

for a while, Manjul and I worried she had lost her way.

But now...

Oh, you must be so proud.

Oh, yes, I still have to pinch myself.

My daughter, the doctor.

And back with Aran.

He's such a good match for her.

All is right with my world.

Oh, somebody's ears must be burning.

Look who's here, singing your praises!

Mum. You're early.

I couldn't wait to see you and... get the news.

Thing is, I'm still a bit snowed under, so...

All right. Well, I'm perfectly fine here. You go and heal the sick.

Valerie and I have plenty to chat about.

Let's have a cup of tea.

I think I've got some of those Indian blends.

HE SIGHS

Problem, Sergeant? I mean, apart from your navigational skills.

No. I love a bit of chauffeuring.

Full and proper use of my training, this.

Ah. Shame.

I was hoping you might have a couple of brain cells left over

to talk strategy of the case while we were driving.

-You never know, I might have.

-Good. Because I've been thinking.

The only way we can catch these baby-stealing lowlifes

without putting anybody else at risk is to work undercover...

OK, sounds good to me.

..as a married couple.

-Hollins!

-CAR BRAKES SCREECH, HORN BLARES

Maybe we are stretching those brain cells a little too far after all.

No, it's just... Well, why does it have to be you and me?

Why can't it be me and a female DS?

Thanks for the vote of confidence!

No, what I mean is, somebody further down the food chain.

I fit the profile. Professional, a certain age,

past having children.

And I think we can pull it off.

-Boss...

-And you can stop calling me boss for a start.

We have to work on being natural together.

Stop off at the service station before we get to the motorway

and we can have a test run.

-'Where the hell are you?'

-Medical check-up.

'What, in the gents? You're supposed to be back on in 20...'

So put me on. Tom was very clear - by the book, 12-hourly. Little plonker.

'I think Tom'll be more worried about you having a whiz on air.

-'Davey, we can't go on like this.'

-Yes, we can,

-I'm on the OB kit in nine...

-'Davey.'

-..eight...

-'We can go recorded,

-'the old flames piece.'

-..six...

-Brian David Slocombe.

-'Clear the air.'

You clear the air. Three... SCREAM OF FRUSTRATION DOWN PHONE

And we're live on Letherbridge FM!

Yeah, the big Love-In, here at the Mill Health Centre!

Love is in the air, love is on the air!

So who's looking for love?

In exchange for a small financial donation.

What's the deal with this patient?

Ah. That's the local DJ, he's doing a charity marathon.

He's causing havoc in reception.

'Perhaps you should be seen more privately?'

'Why, Dr Reid!'

Oh, is that my mum?

'I would love to.'

Oi, oi, oi!

Says you who only saw him yesterday. Brian Slocombe?

Dr Love. Here to get checked out by the rather sexy nurse Chris.

Snap on those rubbers, mate, lube up. I'm all yours.

-Thank you.

-SHE CLEARS HER THROAT

Oh, do you want a coffee, love?

(Darling? Love.)

Sugar.

Really? Sugar?

Sugar. Brown.

Oh.

Sorry, boss. Can I have another coffee, please?

Someone has to wear the trousers.

Just go and find us a table while I pay, eh?

Sugar.

So, sexy nurse Chris, is Dr Love going to live?

Live to love anyone humanly possible,

and maybe, once in a while, the beasts of the field?

-It looks like it.

-Yes, I feel it!

I feel your healing touch, sexy nurse Chris,

-all over my body.

-So glad I could help.

Yeah, I feel like we've shared something deep and spiritual.

Tell me you felt it too. THEY LAUGH

-Yeah, I felt something, all right.

-Join me then!

Join me, sexy nurse Chris, be my sexy nurse sidekick!

-Help me fill my bucket of love to the brim!

-I've got patients.

I'll cover. Come on, it's for charity!

Will he, won't he? Will love prevail?

-Stay tuned.

-Come on, Chris.

-Oh, he won't, he hasn't got the bottle.

-Out!

-MOBILE VIBRATES

-Take me, Dr Love! Take me!

-Out!

SLAMS DOOR

BREATHES HEAVILY

Did you know about this surgery stunt? We're getting complaints.

And I've had the manager in my ear,

saying we didn't get approval beforehand.

Well, maybe not strictly but I thought it was good radio.

-And there's no rule against broadcasting your own check-up.

-They're my rules.

You know what he's like if you give him an inch.

Rein him in, yeah?

SHE SIGHS

-Sit down before you fall down.

-I will tomorrow.

You can't get enough, you saucy little minx.

-You must be running on empty.

-I better fuel up, then.

-Only caffeine.

-You need to pull back.

Dr Love doesn't do pulling back.

Especially now sexy nurse Chris has said I'm all right.

Right, 60 minutes to hit that jackpot.

Hey, and if I do kick it,

we'll always have this moment. HE LAUGHS

You've got to get your head in the game somehow.

All right, pretend I'm wifey, her indoors, what's her name? Karen.

-I can't do that.

-Come on.

-What would you say if she was here now?

-I don't know.

Must be a bundle of laughs in your house(!)

All right. Why don't you go steady on the mayo?

-You know how touchy you get about your cellulite.

-You what?

Nice to know romance isn't dead(!)

But you talk to me again like that and you will be.

Grab us a serviette.

If you can do that without making a hash of it.

-Yes, boss.

-You're not even trying.

Because it's going nowhere.

Because you won't get your backside in gear.

Everything hangs on us pulling this off.

-You think I don't know that?

-But, hey,

if you can't play with the big boys...

You...

OK, what's your name?

Oh. I don't know, actually, we're a bit chocker.

Can you hold?

-I've been trying to get you! Tom said...

-Oh, stuff Tom. Yeah!

Lines are open, so keep that dosh rolling in for the Laurels.

But if you were just on the high street, you've been chugged!

Shake that booty, sexy nurse Chris! COINS RATTLE

Whey! Jemma, grab the moolah

and flick some switches or whatever it is you do.

-The doctor needs fresh meat!

-Coming right up.

'Oh, hiya, Davey. It's Chantelle.'

I don't think the doctor remembers, Chantelle. It was last week.

Chantelle!

Otherwise known, thanks to our wonderful sponsors,

as Miss July on the Letherbridge Power Tools calendar!

Course the doctor remembers. How could I forget?

'Had a good night, didn't we? I just wanted to say ta, you know...'

For the love injection, yeah. Went down a treat, as I recall.

HONKS HORN, CHANTELLE GIGGLES

Thanks for helping out.

I didn't really have a choice.

He's hanging in by a thread, you know. It's not surprising after 70-odd hours.

Oh, hanging's too good for him.

Sorry. It's just...he's been off the rails since last week.

It's enough to fray anyone's nerves, all this.

Yeah, well...that's the big Love-In!

You know, I took a flyer on you being the right man for this job.

Yes, boss.

No, boss, three bags full.

Just drop the kowtowing and grow a pair!

Why would I need to do that

when you've got a pair big enough for the both of us, boss?

You swan around the station like brass Almighty.

You never let me forget who wears the trousers, do you?

Right, a ruck in a car park - now we look the part!

You love it, don't you?

You absolutely love it, your boot on my neck.

Even with Harrison. Even when my own son's life was on the line,

you couldn't stop playing your power games!

That's why this won't work.

If this is to be done properly, and it's just a lad and a lass,

it's a fellow and his missus...

..you leave the brass at the door.

Haven't hit that jackpot. Come on, Letherbridge, what do I have to do, beat it out of you?

Think about it while we're on old flames.

-Jem all right?

-Yeah, she's fine. She seems nice.

Yeah, she's a real pro.

Didn't work out between us, you know.

Can't mix business with funny business.

Had to make a clean break, you know?

-Ah, Tom-boy! You met Chris, my bucket man?

-Yeah, always someone to carry the can

-for you, isn't there? Guess who I've had on the phone?

-Oh, I dread to think.

The sponsors. "Miss July Power Tools" ring any bells?

Yeah, quite a few, actually.

You pull back, Davey. I'm serious.

-We don't mess with sponsors.

-All right.

I promise when I picture you, I'll think "tool".

Just remember contract renewal time approacheth...

Yeah. And we could go anywhere.

You can. I'm putting Jemma on Drive Time.

She's asked for a transfer.

Everyone's so lovely.

I mean, it's challenging, and you're on the back foot half the time,

but there's something new every day.

Just means there isn't time for much except work.

-And how about...?

-I might skip dessert.

No, look, they've got creme caramel. Two?

No, Mum.

You always loved it.

Oh, I'll have...

cheese and biscuits.

I can make my own decisions, Mum.

Oh, look, an elephant here in the room,

and it's name is Aran.

It's just a shame I couldn't hear it from you.

Did you think I wouldn't be happy the wedding is back on?

The wedding isn't back on.

Seriously, after all those pills? Mate, I'm still working.

Who says one's for you?

What happened to us, hey?

We used to make such sweet music, and now it's nag, nag, nag.

I've already lost one producer.

Maybe not quite.

MOBILE VIBRATES

Where are you?

Hmm.

You want to stop hanging round by the gents - you'll get a reputation.

Oh, nice touch with Chantelle, by the way.

Oh, I think you came out ahead on points.

Anyway, it's all good radio.

-OVER RADIO:

-Always did work well together.

And for a while, I thought, under all the hype,

there was something sweet...

..worth trying for. Something real.

SHE SIGHS

And then I roll up the next day and Miss July answers the door.

So what did you expect me to do, just take her number?

And I'm wondering if there's anything real there at all, or just...

Dr Love?

Davey, are you still there?

KNOCK ON DOOR

'Yeah, I'm still here.'

OVER RADIO: Just keeping it real, Letherbridge.

That's Dr Love.

Yes, yeah, he's great. I know, lovely.

Mr Right!

I just don't need to be told that by everyone all the time.

I don't need the pressure.

Not when I'm not sure, and I'm not sure yet.

Mmm.

I know he's the perfect husband for the family.

But the rest of you don't have to marry him, I do.

It's my choice, isn't it? Not yours.

Yes.

You must choose your own path. You always do.

But let's be honest. If I wasn't here,

and you weren't so busy following your own way,

you would have snapped up the creme caramel instead of that.

Are you sure you're OK?

-Yeah! The show must go on.

-SHE SNIFFS

For the next half hour, anyway.

It's true what they say, though - love hurts.

Unfortunately for you, this is the real me.

Bossy.

At least that's what my ex said on his way out the door...

in slightly different words.

Assertive career women are a turn-off, apparently.

You and him obviously have a lot in common.

That wasn't my point.

I didn't mean that.

You're attractive.

Yeah, well...

I'm just saying,

I haven't had much practice on the romance front lately.

Yeah.

I know what you mean.

You get stuck in ways, don't you?

Stop trying so hard.

Yeah.

Yeah, love, it's a many-splendored thing.

You can give it, but you can't take it.

Everyone's looking for it, but...many never find it.

Some people take love for granted...

..or just throw it away.

I'm not just digging my heels in, you know.

I want to make the right choice.

-I know, darling.

-No, you don't, Mum.

You can't. Not everyone's lucky enough to find their perfect match.

Oh, there's no such thing.

Yeah, right! You and Dad?

You're so into each other they could hook you up to the National Grid.

It wasn't always plain sailing.

SCOFFS

I left him once.

It was only for a few days. I was so unhappy.

I wasn't sure I'd go back.

Your mother?

-I read the letter. I'm sorry.

-Don't be.

I didn't really know her, anyway.

Dumped me when I was a kid. In care.

-Only fair I do the same for her.

-So why track her down?

Why go through all this, all this fundraising?

Show her?

Ride in on my big horse with a big fat cheque,

"Look, Ma, I'm somebody.

"A keeper.

"Dr Love."

But then I call to set it up...

..and they're very sorry to have to tell me...

Probably for the best, anyway.

She wouldn't have booted me out if she wanted to keep me.

Shunted round from one kids home to another. Who needs real, eh?

Real pain, rejection, real life?

Best just to make a clean break.

Maybe she had her reasons.

Maybe something was happening at home. Or it was going to happen.

Something bad. And she just wanted to get you out of there.

Maybe she did it for love.

Maybe.

I'm so tired.

I've got a show to finish.

Everyone's looking for love.

Yeah. But not always in the right place.

No, we met when you rear-ended me and left a note on my car...

-No.

-What? It's perfectly believable.

No, we met at work. If we want to be like a real couple,

the closer we are to the truth, the better.

All right. Agreed.

-MOBILE CHIMES

-Oh.

Oh, I lost track. Got to be there in 20.

Don't worry, I'll get you there.

What, with your driving?

-Be lucky if we get there at all.

-Don't push it, love.

HE CHUCKLES

Listen, I'd better get off,

-if you're going to live after all.

-Yeah, I might.

You never said anything before.

What's to say? Your dad and I worked through it,

grew together.

You never really know someone till you've been together 20 years.

But haven't you ever wondered, if you hadn't gone back,

what your life might have been?

I know I wouldn't have had my two beautiful children

and the wonderful life I've shared with your dad.

Darling, don't miss everything that's right

looking for what's wrong.

If you let Aran go, you might not find another man as good.

Couple of minutes to go.

Anyone out there want to talk to me?

No? Jem?

Jem?

I'm sorry.

Good luck on Drive Time. You deserve it.

You deserve more than Dr Love.

Cos he...

is really full of it.

I'm full of it.

I was just scared with you and me.

It got real, and I couldn't hack it, so I ran to the nearest dolly.

Dr Love?

I don't even know if I can.

I just know I'm scared of trying,

but that's nothing compared to the thought that I'll never hear your voice...

Hi.

I just nipped to the loo.

Yeah.

I knew that.

That's all, folks.

JAUNTY RADIO VOICE: This is...

NORMAL VOICE: ..Brian David Slocombe,

38, working on a spare tyre, not much to look at,

signing off...

..scared but hopeful.

How's that for real?

-TEARFULLY:

-It's all good radio.

So I'll wait for you?

No, I'll be a while. They'll get someone to drive me.

Back to the real world, eh?

Yeah...boss.

Anyway, it's really nice to be working with you.

-Have a nice life.

-Rizz?

Rizz, please.

You've been arrested for drink-driving.

And who says I was drinking?

Why else would you refuse the breathalyser test?

You just seem to be making it up.

Not all of it.

My cat did die last year.

Right.

Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd