Jerusalem Doctors

-UKRAINIAN ACCENT:

-You let me down.

I trust you with my life, and now I have...nothing.

I put all eggs in your basket and you crush them till nothing left.

You show no mercy.

Because of you, it has come to this...

My beautiful Katya...

dead.

HE STRAINS

200 millilitres.

-Higher.

-300.

450!

No way!

In one go! I am the milk queen.

My freezer is fit to burst.

I didn't know you had it in you.

Neither did I. We should go out celebrating.

What we celebrating?

Zara. She's got a lot of bottle.

-What?

-Ignore her. We're going out for a drink because we can.

Let's go out tonight.

We passed the inspection, it's the Jubilee weekend,

I am in a very good mood. Nothing can bring me down.

I even think Howard is going to work out.

She is in a good mood.

Or delirious.

Oh, give him the benefit of the doubt. He's not that bad.

Give him a chance.

TAPPING ON WINDOW

You were saying?

Those need to be on the far side of the pond.

Avoid the swans.

VOICE OVER RADIO

What is it, Pete? Over.

That's a big 10-4. Got a visual on that.

Over.

That is magnificent, I must say,

Mr...Rusoul, isn't it?

That's right. Burian.

Burian? Have we met?

-No.

-Right. Well, thank you for volunteering your bus.

I have to say,

it's not often people provide services for free nowadays.

Patriotic duty.

Quite. Well, follow me.

I'll show you where to park, get you some bunting.

Avoid the swans.

-Right, come on, let's do it.

-JACK SIGHS

Don't give me that. You've already said yes.

And, anyway, Security Pete's expecting you.

I'm just tired, that's all.

You've finished your exams - this is reality.

-You want to live at my house...

-I get it.

I'm looking forward to it, actually.

150 quid a day, I should think you are.

It's not about the money. It's the prospect of working with a mate of yours called Security Pete.

He doesn't know Postman Pat, does he?

I'm not a royalist.

That's not the point. It's the mother of all bank holiday weekends.

-We're all going.

-OK, fine, I'll go.

-Elaine?

-I'm in. After the week we've had, we deserve it.

Excuse me, I need to take a picture of this wall.

Come on. Chop-chop.

-Right, he's a mentalist.

-Hey, give him a chance.

Give him a chance?!

Oh, my God.

-What?

-You're wearing the same tie as How...

-You are turning into Howard!

-Shh!

Ah, good. Glad I caught you all. Quick meeting, lunchtime.

-My office.

-Good with me.

-Good!

-Is that Security Pete?

-Oh, yes.

-Aren't you going to introduce me?

-Stop it.

Sergeant. Pleased to meet you.

Likewise. Rob Hollins.

-Ranger Ralph.

-Ranger?

Well, actually, it's Park Ranger. But I drop the "park".

Brilliant.

This is my son, Jack.

He's here to help with security this weekend.

Ah, yes. Was.

Sorry?

WAS helping out. Slight change of plan.

You're off security, on promotions.

Right. What does that mean?

It means drumming up interest, handing out balloons and...

wearing this.

Good, isn't it?

No, that's brilliant.

Not long now. All be good.

I not lose temper, or drink.

Promise.

What you doing?

Um...getting changed?

-Get off bus!

-All right. I'm going!

Off, I said!

-Off!

-BLOWS WHISTLE

What's going on here?

He's just thrown me off the bus!

He naked on bus!

-I was getting changed!

-Stop it, both of you.

I told him to get changed on the bus. You...

-Well, you should have asked.

-But...

No buts. You're working together for the next four days.

Sort this out.

No. You wrong. I work alone. I drive bus around park.

Stop it right there!

You are not driving anywhere in this park.

Health and safety would never allow it.

If you want to drive, you can drive home. Got it?

-It's...

-If you can't accept the rules, go home.

Sorry.

Misunderstanding.

Whatever.

Right, blow them up, hand them out.

Be good!

There are three Ps of patient care.

Preparation, performance and...? Dr Wilson?

Um... Three Ps... Er...

Pres...

Presents?

Presentation.

Perhaps something we could be more aware of?

I must say, Kevin you look like the epitome of a modern-day doctor.

-Well done.

-Thanks.

Nice tie.

Right. Presentation is letting us down.

If we could all please turn round.

Now, the decor in the areas here and here are in dire straits.

Now, that will be addressed immediately.

The circled areas indicate ergonomic spacing issues,

especially in Dr Carmichael's office.

-My office?

-Yes. But don't worry. I have a vision.

I'm in discussion with several architects regarding the possibility of extensions.

Early days, I know. Thoughts?

Well, it seems a pretty big upheaval. Is it really necessary?

Yes, I think it is.

Right.

Kevin?

Yeah, why not? A splash of paint wouldn't hurt.

Dr Carmichael, you on board?

If it helps the patients, I'm in.

Nice hat(!)

Go away.

We're not doing anything.

Are you stupid? I said leave.

Who you calling stupid?

You. Bunch of waster yobs.

-What did you say?

-Is it really worth it?

This has got nothing to do with you, teddy!

We're just trying to do a job. Please.

Manners go a long way, mate.

Come on.

What's your problem?

My problem? This country.

Full of thieves and bureaucrats.

I lock clothes in cab. Can't be too careful, yes?

-And what can I do for you, lovely?

-Oh.

I am here for the Jubilee and I just wanted to see what was going on.

A dry run, so to speak?

Exactly! I have got a picnic.

I just need to find a good spot for myself and my friend

so we do not miss anything over the weekend.

Well, you are a lucky lady because I am the man.

Security Pete, Security Pete. I'm leaving HQ, back shortly.

Over.

All yours. May I?

I don't bite.

Oh, OK. Thank you.

Hello.

Thank you.

You can't do that.

I do what I want.

You're in charge of a bus.

So? I don't drive.

There are kids around. You shouldn't be drinking. You have a responsibility.

My only responsibility to my wife, Katya.

Look, stop drinking or I'll dob you in.

I dare you.

I plan this for two months. You not ruin it.

Oh, no.

You make right choice, my friend.

Oh!

A diesel front-engined Routemaster!

Oh, beautiful!

Isn't it?

The bear was my idea.

Well, the bear is beautiful too.

Would you mind?

-Sure, no problem.

-Thank you.

-And me!

-Oh!

Smile, please.

Ooh!

Sorry. Didn't mean to make you jump. Come in.

No, thanks.

No, have a look.

No, please. I value your opinion.

Please.

Um...

-What do you think?

-Um...

Hot Paprika or Volcanic Splash?

-I don't know what to say.

-You must have a favourite?

-KNOCK ON CUBICLE

-Oh.

Sorry, this cubicle's taken.

So?

Volcanic Splash?

-That's what I thought. Thanks. Breathing in.

-Oh.

I'll have to return the favour. In fact, I already have.

How do you mean?

Couldn't help noticing that things should be a little cleaner around here.

In fact, the gents toilets haven't had soap now for two days.

So I phoned the agency,

and found the culprit - a cleaner, Mrs Winsome - and sacked her.

But Sandra's a really brilliant cleaner.

Not any more she's not.

Great work, lads. Half hour for lunch.

Hey?

What?

You all right?

Leave alone!

Fine. I need my phone out of my bag. I need to call my dad.

You lucky you have family who love you.

I guess.

My Katya love me. She beautiful.

She love this country.

Now nothing left.

What?

Nothing.

MUSIC BLARES

What you want?

Can you stop drinking, please?

-What?

-Can you turn that off and put that down?

Mind business, lady. My bus.

I do what I want. You people drive me mad.

What people?

British! Only care for self.

I take orders from nobody. Get lost!

Have it your own way! I am going to report you.

I am not going to have some drunk ruin the Queen's Diamond Jubilee!

SHE MUTTERS ANGRILY

Hi, Dad. It's me. This is my second message.

I'm starving, where are you?

Teddy on a break, is he?

-Get a life.

-Sorry?

Hanging around a park? Haven't you got anything better to do?

You know, I've never thought about it. Thank you.

In fact, you might be able to help me.

See, I've always aspired to be a bear.

Do you think I've got what it takes?

Or maybe I should I start off as a squirrel first, you know,

-build myself up?

-Funny.

Aren't I?

-At least I've got a life.

-I'm sure your parents are proud.

I've had enough.

-Teddy in a tizz?

-MUSIC BLARES FROM BUS

Hey! You shouldn't be driving!

Wait, my clothes! Stop!

Oi, teddy!

I did warn you about the swans.

All this activity has got them defensive. You'll live.

Sergeant. Good to see you again.

You've not seen Jack, have you?

Of course. Doing a very good job too.

He's with the bus.

Oh.

Exactly.

Odd.

Ranger Ralph!

Ranger Ralph.

Mrs Tembe. Did you find your spot?

Never mind that. Oh, Sergeant Hollins.

-Good to see you, Mrs Tembe. How you doing?

-Not very good, actually.

-Your bus driver insulted me.

-Really?

Not only that, he is drunk. Very drunk.

I knew it was too good to be true.

How do you mean?

He volunteered his services for free. Who does that nowadays?

Mrs Tembe, let me assure you I will be opening

a full investigation into Mr Rusoul and his bus.

Before the investigation gets fully open, shouldn't we find Mr Rusoul and his bus?

If he is drinking and driving?

You're good. Right.

Security Pete. Are you there? Over.

I'm putting out an APB for a missing bus and a bear.

Repeat, a missing bus and a bear.

Over.

Folks, don't you worry. In this park, nothing gets past me.

He's driving me mad.

-What are you two up to?

-Oh, we're just discussing...

-Howard.

Oh?

He's everywhere. He's worse than before.

He's trying to micro-manage everything.

He's not that bad.

He just sacked Sandra! I've had her in tears.

I've had to send her flowers. You owe me a fiver.

Shouldn't all these changes be approved by the partners first?

Not every micro detail, no.

OK, I accept he is somewhat lacking in personnel skills

but he got us through the inspection, didn't he?

He knows his stuff, he's improving things.

Just think how calm it'll be when the surgery has been re-painted.

Oh.

Well, clearly, he's colour blind and...quirky,

but we owe it him to give him a chance.

He's settling in. He'll get there.

She'll do anything for that extension.

How much? For one wall?

-What?

-Look, I won't be a minute. You won't believe these people.

Look, I'm compromised for space.

I'm sat in this poky little back room office

that you wouldn't want to swing a cat in, never mind work.

Look, what's your best price?

# If you go down in the woods today

# You're sure of a big surprise

# If you go down in the woods today

# You'd better go in disguise

# For every bear that ever there was

# Will gather there for certain because

# Today's the day the teddy bears have their picnic

# Today's the day the teddy bears have their picnic. #

I miss you so much.

Get away from her!

I said keep away!

I'm sorry, I didn't mean... please.

I just wanted to get my clothes. I'll go.

You go nowhere. You help me with Katya.

We say goodbye...together.

KNOCK ON DOOR

Ah, good. Do come in. Fat Lemon.

Caribbean Sunrise.

Haven't quite made my mind up yet.

Still, anything's better than this.

-Earlier...my room?

-Ah.

Apologies.

I was trying to make a point to the architects but, frankly, they weren't having any of it.

It's somewhat scuppered my vision.

What?

-Yes, there's been some changes...

-Am I still going to get my room done?

I don't want to go into boring management details but it's tricky.

It's all to do with supporting wall issues,

and the fact we have to lose your store cupboard,

and it's where the project lies in the fiscal year...

Yeah, but do I still get my room done?

Absolutely! But...

-You see?

-No.

My vision will happen, it's just that the rooms

with the crosses on indicate the ones that will have to wait their turn.

They all have crosses.

-Apart from the staff room and your room.

-Ah, my mistake.

Your vision is your room?

Well, like I said, all in due course.

Your time will come.

My time will come?

Of course. I mean, who could work in somewhere like this?

It's like a bloodbath.

-I think my time is now.

-Pardon?

-I'll move in here.

-What?

I'm rather fond of bloodbath.

You can have my poky little back room

and I'll have this one.

We'll save money, the patients will have more space, everybody's happy.

I should go into management.

A tree!

Katya's tree. She die a year ago today, here.

I'm sorry. What happened?

-Was she mugged or something?

-No, she was runner. Heart attack.

Oh.

She loved this country, this city, this park.

She law student in Ukraine. Believe in fighting for peoples' rights.

She had to hide.

So we come to Britain, start new life together.

Without fear. Without politics.

HE SNIFFS

This country good to us.

Look after us. We learn to love it,

its history, its people.

I miss her so much.

Insufferable. Impossible. Unacceptable.

Give him a chance, he's only moving boxes.

-Not Kevin. Howard!

-Ah.

I heard you had a new office. Very nice.

-We never should have hired him.

-What happened to, "Have faith?"

I saw the light. He has to go.

He got us through the reaccreditation, Zara.

What are our options?

I could dig out his contract, have a look at the terms of his trial period.

Please do.

Why do you call the tree Katya?

I promise I scatter her ashes on British soil

and plant tree on spot in our garden.

But now I leave, I want to re-plant her at the place where she die.

A memorial to my Katya for all to see.

HE SOBS

But bureaucrats don't let me.

I write. I say, "I want to plant tree for wife. My wife!"

They say no. They say it because...

It's a Cupresso leylandii.

-Cosy.

-What are you doing here?

-We're ready.

-Jack Hollins! Put that down! You should know better.

Be careful, Mrs Tembe. They're dangerous.

The only thing to fear is ignorance.

These boys are... Well, they are gentlemen.

They've been chasing me around the park all day!

-I know all about it.

-You dropped your phone on the bench...teddy.

Thank you. Sorry. I just...

Don't worry. We get it a lot.

How you know it Cupresso ley?

-It's Cupresso leylandii.

-That!

-It grows fast. Really fast.

How you know that? That's what man say who say I cannot plant tree here.

-Ranger Ralph. He's our boss.

-You work for Ranger Ralph?

Not work as such, more...

community service.

Thing is...I really got into the woodland management part of it.

Really enjoy it.

I'm no Titchmarsh, but I know some stuff.

You speak to Ranger Ralph. Let Katya stay here.

That's not going to happen, mate. See, all this here,

it's native deciduous woodland. Even if you did plant it, they'd dig it up.

I do know somewhere where you can plant it, though.

VOICE OVER RADIO

Thanks, Pete, that's a big 10-4. Over.

-We've had a visual on the bus. We've got them.

-Great.

-Let's go.

-Where are we going now?

It's on the other side of the park. Only 15 minutes if we run.

Only five minutes if we go in my patrol car.

Patrol car!

I thought you were going to be a lawyer?

I am. This is just a...

SHE LAUGHS

Funny.

-ENGINE TURNS OVER

-Hold this.

Try it again.

Stupid machine!

No such thing.

You have an air lock in the fuel system.

Again!

ENGINE STARTS

You did it!

You mechanical genius.

You must remember to fill up the fuel tank.

Thank you. Thank you.

-Now we go.

-Wait. Not so fast.

What?

If I let you drive intoxicated I will never forgive myself.

Besides, a Routemaster?

Stand aside.

This is brilliant.

-Do you think we should put on the blues and twos?

-No.

Good thinking. We'd only give away our position,

lose the tactical advantage.

Something like that.

Stop! This is us.

Stay by the car, I'll flush them out.

Wait a minute!

Where you going?

Oi!

MOBILE RINGS

Jack. We're looking for you. And a bus.

'I'm fine, Dad. I'm with Mrs Tembe.'

Really? Where are you?

BUS HONKS HORN

Oh, my...

-Bad news, I'm afraid.

-What do you mean?

-There's no trial period in Howard's contract.

-What?!

-Oh, you're...

-What?

Nothing.

This has got to be a mistake.

Yeah. Ours. We were so busy trying to hire someone...

I cannot work with him, Daniel. The man is a liability.

(Can't we just sack him?)

No. Financial penalties if we do.

Which we cannot afford. So I guess we're stuck with him.

Could this day get any worse?

I don't know what to say.

This is more than I dream of.

Thank you.

-Good job.

-We've all done good.

Though I doubt Ranger Ralph's going to see it that way.

Think we've breached our community service order.

I reckon teddy's for the boot and all.

Well, I would not hang teddy up just yet.

I have just spoken to Ranger Ralph.

I have told him I have been on the most wonderful tour of Birmingham

and that he should be very proud of all of you.

-He believed you?

-He seemed happy.

Particularly when I promised that I would be here over the weekend.

-THEY LAUGH

-You are a very resourceful lady.

Well, sometimes you have to be.

Now, how about something to eat?

Good idea! But first...

..a toast.

For you, for you.

-And for me a bottle!

-HE LAUGHS

You know, I never feel more part of Britain as I do now.

Perhaps I stay.

To my wife!

Katya.

ALL: Katya!

And to the Queen!

ALL: The Queen!

And now we sing Katya's favourite song!

MUSIC PLAYS

# And did those feet in ancient times

ALL: # Walk upon England's mountains green?

# And was the holy lamb of God

# On England's pleasant pastures seen? #

PHONE RINGS

Look, for the last time, will you just leave me alone?

Look, I know she's a partner and I'm just an employee

but that's no excuse!

-For what?

-To treat me as her lackey, or address me as one!

Look, will you just stop?

I'm just trying to do you a favour here, mate.

Look what I brought.

-I'm not interested.

-Yeah, right!

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