Survivors Doctors

CRIES, SMASHING GLASS

10 of morphine, 10ml saline.

BEEP FLATLINES

I need a crash cart!

BUZZER

Come on, everybody.

Sorry, mate.

Captain Bellamy?

-It's been a while since anyone's called me that.

-Sorry!

No, I like it. Brings back memories.

-It's very good of you to give us your time.

-The least I can do.

It means a lot to the men.

No, I don't think it's a good idea.

I think it was a big mistake coming here.

But I wasn't really given a choice.

No, it's too soon. Much too soon.

OK, see you.

-They're at the cemetery.

-Oh, no.

Why?

-And they're on their way here.

-They're coming back to work?

-That's what Daniel says.

-That's crazy.

-It's way too soon.

-Why doesn't Daniel do something?

-He says he's tried.

-Poor Daniel. Having to go back there.

Poor Freya.

Right. I can't dwell on it. Got to make the best of it.

When they get here, we'll be as supportive as we can.

-Should we tell Howard?

-Why?

Because he's the practice manager?

Normal day. Nothing special.

I put the flowers on the grave.

They look nice.

It's the same every time I come here.

I get this far and then I can't face it.

I didn't know you'd been before?

Freya would have done it. But then, I'm not Freya.

She was better than me.

I just thinking of her lying there in the cold.

Look, if you don't feel ready to go back to work,

no-one's going to blame you if you take a bit more time off.

I don't need more time.

What are you doing?

Waiting for you.

You'd do my exercises for me if you could, wouldn't you?

You look tired.

And that's different from every other day in what way?

You're not supposed to be overdoing it.

Mother, I've been round the block. It's not the London Marathon!

You shouldn't go on your own.

What do you think is going to happen?

You think I'm going to fall asleep and walk into a tree?

It's not funny, Grace.

How long have you spent telling me to be strong and independent?

That was before.

Besides, everybody is really nice. That's the great thing about ME.

Everyone wants to help.

-Just now this funeral procession slowed down for me.

-What?

Yeah. They asked me if I needed a lift.

Everything's a joke, Grace.

I feel fine, honestly.

You said that before your last relapse.

This time I mean it.

-OK.

-I'll soon be at the top of that hill.

It'll make a nice change from setting my alarm to wake up

in time for my nap.

What? It's funny!

All right, it wasn't that funny, but still!

I remember that winter. I didn't think I'd ever get warm again.

Neither did I. And I was inside a hospital.

One of my lads used to wear his wife's tights on patrol.

He said it was the only thing that kept him warm.

Is that standard para issue, then?

It's not something a cabbagehead like you would understand.

Bootneck to you. Did it work, then, the tights?

He said it did. He was always terrified of getting injured.

He thought the medics might think it a bit...funny.

-Just as well nothing happened to him.

-He stepped on a land mine, just outside Cam Lough.

-Oh. I'm sorry.

-Poor sod needn't have worried.

There wasn't much left of his wife's tights.

Still, if you can't wear your wife's tights to work,

what's the world coming to?

Exactly.

-What's on the agenda, then?

-Let's take a look.

I can't stand spending another hour alone in that house.

Then don't.

Staring at the walls, thinking about the fire, about what she did.

-It's not your fault.

-She sacrificed herself for me.

She didn't sacrifice herself.

She's dead, isn't she? And I'm alive.

I don't think you're ready to go back to work.

You think I want to go back there? You think I'm looking forward to it?

-All those people staring at me, hating me.

-No-one hates you.

Why not? They were quick enough to think I was a murderer

when I wasn't. Now I really am one.

You're not a murderer. You were suffering from smoke inhalation.

You were unconscious.

And if I hadn't been there in the first place?

If you don't want to be on your own, why don't you go and see Michaela?

No. I'm glad she's OK.

-I'm glad she's not messed up. But I can't see her.

-Why not?

She's better off without me.

Everyone is.

Kevin, you've got to stop feeling sorry for yourself.

Because until you snap out of this you're not going to be able to do your job properly.

-You're not going to be able to do anything properly.

-Fine.

Take me home.

-You've seen your fair share of action, then?

-A bit.

More than most by the sounds of it. You're not what I expected.

-No?

-I've never really had much time for shrinks.

-A bit too touchy-feely for my liking.

-Sorry to disappoint.

There are different schools of thought about military psychiatry.

-Which one do you subscribe to?

-Whatever works.

-Fair enough.

-Obviously, some of these men are finding the transition

to civilian life very hard.

It's never easy.

For a lot of them, just writing this CV is a major challenge.

Judging by the CVs I get sent,

it pretty much applies to everybody.

He didn't say a word all the way back to his place.

-You don't think he'd do anything stupid, do you?

-No.

-Shouldn't someone be with him?

-I could go in my lunch break.

-I don't think he'd let you in. He thinks we all hate him.

-Why?

-That's ridiculous.

-Poor Kevin.

Maybe we should leave him alone.

The last thing he needs is to be left alone.

He must have followed you in. That's his car, isn't it?

-Why didn't you say something?

-I just did.

He can't see us like this.

Right, when he comes in, everybody act natural.

-That's our resident comedian, Danny Hooper.

-There's always one.

-He's my toughest case.

-Really?

-You could start with him if you like.

-Why not?

He's supposed to be putting together a list of transferable skills

he could use in civilian life.

Doesn't look like he's got very far.

I can't get him to take anything seriously.

-He probably needs a good kick up the backside.

-Might help.

-Never known it to fail.

-At this point, I'll try anything.

-Kevin! What a surprise.

-Sorry, I should have rung earlier.

No, I meant a good surprise.

Welcome back.

-It's lovely to see you, Kevin.

-You've been missed.

-Really?

-By all of us.

I've made you a cup of coffee with two sugars and a biccie.

You can hardly see the burn at all. With any luck you won't have a scar.

I hope not. You wouldn't want to spoil that handsome face.

-Watch it, Kev, I think she's flirting with you again.

-I am not!

-Yeah, be careful. You know what she's like.

-Daniel!

LAUGHTER

-So, how did you do it?

-What?

Your arm.

That's a first. Most people pretend not to notice it.

It's pretty hard to ignore. So, what happened?

-IED.

-Afghanistan?

Helmand. Totalled the APC in front of me

and the shrapnel took a good bit of me with it.

Severed femoral artery, collapsed lung, perforated eardrum...

and this.

They tried to get it working again, but the nerves are all mashed up.

-Sounds nasty.

-Piece of cake, really.

You should have seen the guys in the APC.

They were still trying to fit the bits together three days later.

So you think that's going to stop you getting work?

Well, it's not going to help, is it?

There are plenty of things you can do.

Sure. Obviously the professional cat's cradle circuit

is out of the question,

but traffic cops specialising in one-way streets,

-one-armed paper hanger?

-Very funny.

-The list is endless.

And then there's the whole zen Buddhist one-hand clapping market.

I figure I could pretty well corner that.

You remind me of a guy I served with in South Armagh.

-You were in Northern Ireland?

-Coldest winter of my life.

And the colder it went, the funnier this bloke got.

Sometimes his jokes were the only thing that kept us warm.

Well, you've got to laugh.

And sometimes you've got to be serious.

You can't spend your whole life hiding behind jokes.

'It should have been me that died.'

-You don't think that's a little bit paranoid?

-It's true.

That's exactly the kind of self-pity we're trying to avoid, remember?

Sorry.

Everyone wants to help you. You just have to let them.

-I've organised a really light day for you.

-Why?

I thought that's what you'd want.

No. The more patients the better. It'll stop me thinking.

Right. When my mum died, it took me a really long time...

-Is Mandy in?

-She's on compassionate leave.

And Howard has taken the day off, so you can relax.

Relax. Right(!)

They said I had to get back to exercising but it's not that easy.

Everything's different. I had to adapt my whole exercise regime.

Balance was a real problem. This is just a dead weight.

How did you get around it?

It took a while, but I worked it out.

If I couldn't do something the old way, I found a new way.

Good. Lateral thinking.

In some ways, it's even an advantage.

I can beat any man here at one-armed press-ups. Want to see?

-No.

-It's pretty impressive.

-So why don't you put it on your CV?

What? That I can do one-armed press ups?

No, everything that you've told me.

Who'll be interested in my exercise regime?

Look, when I read a CV I want to find out about the real person behind it

and I almost never do.

All I get is a load of flack and what a great team player they are.

-What you've just told me is far more interesting.

-You're kidding.

You've shown you can find imaginative solutions in a crisis

and adapt to adversity. That's worth its weight in gold to any employer.

You really think someone would want to hire me?

They'd be lucky to have you.

And your structured exercise programme, how's that going?

-Yeah, really well. I've even added some exercises of my own.

-Have you?

You might want to be careful. You do need to pace yourself.

I am. I started off slow, with five-pound potato sacks.

Potato sacks?

Yeah. I hold them up like this for five minutes.

When I got the hang of it, I moved on from five-pound sacks

to ten-pound sacks, then 50-pound sacks.

-You're lifting 50-pound potato sacks?

-Yeah.

And when I feel a bit more confident,

I might put some potatoes in them.

-It's not funny, Grace.

-I thought it was!

-First time I heard it, I laughed so much I fell asleep.

-Grace!

Seriously, do try to be patient. Take it one day at a time.

One day at a time.

I'm still trying one thing at a time.

Let's hope it lasts.

His arm's not the disability he thinks it is.

-His arm's not the real problem?

-No.

Post traumatic stress.

All this larking about is just his way of avoiding the issue.

Here we go.

I know it's quite severe but I'm not sure there is much I can do for him.

He's obviously been through some nasty stuff,

but he's no basket case. If you ask me,

I think he's coping rather well.

He's very good at hiding his feelings. Like so many of us.

-Need some help with that?

-I'm fine, thanks.

How's it going in there?

To be honest, I can't see the point.

-The point is to get a job.

-I don't know if I even want a job.

Then what are you doing here?

I don't know.

OK.

If you wanted a job, any job at all, what would it be?

-Lion tamer?

-Seriously.

Seriously. I'd like to be a soldier.

-What else?

-Nothing. The army's my family. It's all I've ever known.

When I left the army, I didn't know what I was going to do.

-I didn't think I'd ever get used to it.

-How long did you serve?

25 years.

-Action?

-Yeah.

-Grace, have you got your phone?

-I'm only going down the shops.

Grace...

At some point, I'm going to have to stand on my own two feet.

-I know, but...

-Without you holding me up.

Why did you leave the army?

I had my reasons.

It would have been a lot easier if I'd been your age - young,

energetic, time to adapt.

Adapt. I can't really see that happening.

It will. The key is to concentrate on one thing at a time.

Concentration's not my best game at the moment.

I had a CO who used to say to me,

"Every obstacle is a challenge and every crisis is an opportunity."

-Sounds like a CO.

-Most annoying man I ever met.

But he was right. You need to approach a CV like it's an exercise.

-Is that what you do?

-Sometimes.

I try not to think of the people at work as the enemy,

but it's a lot more fun when you do.

So I should approach job-hunting like attacking

and holding an enemy position?

Well, maybe don't go in so hard, but, yeah, why not?

I'm sorry. I really thought it would be OK.

-It's my fault. I shouldn't have let you go.

-No!

Let's get you home.

-He's cracking on with it now. I knew he would.

-That's good.

He was obviously a first-rate soldier. It takes time to adjust.

And he didn't have a lot of time.

He was in surgery in Birmingham

less than 24 hours after the explosion.

It probably saved his life, but it's not helping him

-deal with his trauma.

-How do you mean?

Ideally, combat stress should be treated as close to the line

as possible, as quickly as possible,

and with every expectation of going back into action.

-That's interesting.

-It's one theory. Not everyone agrees with it.

-But you do?

-They stumbled on it almost by accident

in the First World War.

A lot of the men who went back into action did die -

that's the kind of war it was.

But those that didn't suffered much lower rates of long-term disability.

Are you saying Danny's mentally disabled?

That's the trouble with you people. Turn everything into a disease.

-We'd be out of a job if we didn't.

-Exactly.

"Cure sometimes, treat often, comfort always."

Hippocrates. In Danny's case, comfort might be all we can do.

-He'll be fine.

-I'm not so sure.

Whatever happened to him out there,

I expect he's got some horrendous memories to deal with.

Then he'll have to live with them.

But that's not mental illness, that's life.

Daniel? I've just had a call from a woman called Roberts.

Daughter Grace has ME, she thinks she's had a relapse.

-Can you pop in on her?

-That's my patient.

-What?

Why are you asking him to go? I saw her earlier.

-I should go.

-You're not on call.

-What's that supposed to mean?

You don't think I can handle it. You don't think I'm capable.

-I didn't say that.

-That's what you were thinking.

-You think I'm useless.

-No!

-Kevin!

-You all think I'm useless.

-Why don't you just come out and say it?

-Because I...

-I don't need you patronising me, Karen.

-I'm not!

-Give me the address.

-What are you doing?

-Nothing.

-What's this?

-Pile of rubbish by the looks of it.

-You're just going to give up?

-Why not? It's a waste of time.

-It's not a waste of time.

-It is for me.

-You need to see this through.

-Why? Because you say so?

-This could be your best chance.

Don't try and pep talk me.

-I'm not trying to pep talk.

-It's all right for you. You made it.

Being an officer was all I ever wanted.

-Come on, don't be stupid.

-Don't tell me what to do!

-I'm sick of people telling me what to do.

-Danny?

-Just back off!

What's it like being a doctor?

-What?

-I wanted to be a vet.

Maybe you still can.

No. That's not going to happen. It's a pity, though.

I have a real rapport with animals.

My cat's gone right off me, though.

He thinks I spend far too much time sleeping in warm places.

Grace.

-She doesn't like me joking about my ME.

-I've noticed.

-I'm a big disappointment to her.

-I'm sure you aren't.

She always wanted me to be a fighter and a perfectionist.

Now all I am is this lazy, useless lump.

That's not you. It's not what you are.

I've let her down.

Maybe you should stop fighting so hard.

You're under enough pressure as it is.

You're saying I need to find the strength not to be so strong.

It wouldn't hurt to take things a bit easier.

I'm actually quite good at that.

Most days, exercising caution is the only exercise I get.

How can you stay so positive?

It's the only way I can get through.

I'm not really positive though.

When I do get better,

I'm going to celebrate by having a really massive depression.

The girl guides are straight down there. First on your left.

I've got no right to be here.

You've got as much right as everybody else.

I should have died in Helmand!

All I've got is half a life, half my arms, half my brain.

I can't concentrate on anything. I've got nothing.

You've got your life. You can't throw that away no matter what!

It should have been me in the APC.

I traded places with my best mate 20 minutes before they got hit.

I saw him get blown up right in front of my eyes.

One minute he was grinning at me, the next minute he was gone.

There was nothing left of him.

I'm sorry.

The last thing I saw before they dragged me away was his boot.

It landed on the road beside me, perfectly upright.

With this bit of leg in it like he was still standing there.

It was the stress that made her ill.

It was my fault. I pushed her too hard.

It's impossible to know what causes ME.

Since she's been ill, I've tried to make it up to her.

I don't give her coffee, alcohol, sugar...

I keep her away from stressful situations.

You can't fight her illness for her, Mrs Randall.

She's more worried about you than she is about herself.

She thinks she's let you down.

No, it's me. I've let her down!

Little things.

Things I do without thinking. To her, it's like climbing Everest.

-It's not fair.

-Life isn't.

All of her friends are off to university.

Their lives are so happy, full of promise.

And not one of them worked as hard as she did.

She's a remarkable young woman.

She was.

Always so bright and ambitious and full of energy.

Nothing got her down.

I was always sure she'd do something amazing with her life.

Maybe she will.

No. It's too late.

The army was my family too, my whole life for 25 years.

Not a day has passed since I left that I haven't felt lost.

I know, "everyone feels like that".

And I could deal with it, if that's all it was.

But it's nothing compared to this, to what's in here.

You have to let go.

How?! It just keeps going round and round.

Every time I hear a loud noise, or smell something burning.

Every time I close my eyes I see his boot on that road.

-I know how you feel.

-Do you?

-Yes. I do.

-Yeah, right.

I've had men die on me. Good men.

Better men than me.

And watching them die will stay with me for the rest of my life.

-But some memories have to be buried.

-I can't...

So you can get on with fighting the next battle!

Or your mate will have died for nothing.

He did! The whole thing was a pointless and stupid waste.

I don't mean Queen and country.

The only thing you ever fight for is the man standing next to you.

That's what your mate was doing

and that's why you have to keep on fighting.

I just want it to be over.

It never is. Most days, I feel like I'm still fighting.

But if I give up, that's just another man lost to the enemy.

And I won't let that happen.

That was Kevin. He's not coming back.

Just as well.

No. He said he's never coming back.

What?

He said he couldn't face it any more.

-I'll go and talk to him.

-I'll come with you.

He's not at home. I already offered.

-Where is he?

-I don't know. He wouldn't say.

I think I know.

Hang on, I'll come with you.

He's a para. He's stronger than you think.

I hope so. But these things don't just go away.

They have a habit of popping up again years, decades, later.

-He told me what happened to him out there.

-He did?

That's the first time he's talked about it.

There was this soldier, similar circumstances.

Couldn't stop blaming himself.

He was on patrol and crouched down to radio in some coordinates.

Man behind him stopped a bullet from a sniper.

Couldn't help thinking, few seconds either way

and it would have been him.

Survivor's guilt. It's common.

-Were you very close?

-Hmm?

To the man who died.

I didn't know him. It was just a story I heard.

It's not fair, mate.

But most of what we see every day isn't fair.

And when you've got things of your own to deal with,

it can be unbearable.

-We've all been there, mate.

-Have you?

We know what you're going through.

You've wished you were dead, have you?

-Wished you were lying here instead of her?

-No, but...

Every time I close my eyes I see her rotting flesh, disintegrating,

piece by piece.

If there was any justice in this world...

-Come on, Kev...

-She was my friend.

You were warm. You were bright.

You had dignity and scruples.

You put your family and love before everything else.

I'm nothing compared to you.

All I care about is my career.

I'm obsessed with money and reputation.

That's not true.

And I'm a coward.

Come on, up you get.

If this is the way of the world, then I don't want any part of it.

Quick! We're out of here! Go!

Go. Just go! Get the barrows in the house!

Mand, I'm not going anywhere until you let me in.

If you won't help me, back off!

-He was using his neighbour's skip.

-What?

If he wouldn't pay for his own skip, how was I going to get paid?

I never got angry. Not until the day she died.

-Everyone has rows.

-The things I said.

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