Not Coming Out Doctors

GIGGLING

-Wow! I'm so excited.

-What do you want to do to me?

What, you mean, like, kiss you?

Whatever. Do whatever you want.

It's your birthday.

My mum will be home from work in a minute.

-What's wrong with you?

-Nothing.

-So why aren't you gagging for it?

I am. Honest.

Please don't be mad at me!

Ooh! Hey, hang on a minute!

Connor?

What's up with Leann?

Oh. I thought you said you were just mates.

Connor, don't be such a baby, answer me.

Oh, love!

SHE SIGHS

It's complicated, isn't it? Being a grown-up?

Get lost, Mum!

-What happened to make you both so upset?

-Nothing.

You've got to be honest with yourself and with other people.

-In fact, you know, you should be proud.

-Proud?!

-Just come out with it. I promise you'll feel so much better.

-HE SIGHS

-Where you going?

-Bathroom.

Ah, Dr Reid. You look very nice.

And you smell nice.

Well, one has to try. PHONES RING

Oh!

BOTH: Hello. I'll go to my office.

SHE CHUCKLES

SHE LAUGHS

Well...I'm not sure how I feel about dinner.

-Is this you playing hard to get?

-'No, quite the reverse.'

I just wonder whether dinner might be a distraction.

'You've got a one-track mind, Dr Reid.'

Guilty as charged.

Dinner can be sensuous.

Call it foreplay.

Well, whatever floats your boat.

I might tell you, if you like.

SHE LAUGHS

The Golden Ram?!

Yeah, it's the Greek taverna on Barton Street.

'Yeah, I know where it is.

'I was thinking of something a little bit more upmarket. My treat.'

Nah. No, a good night out's what we need.

And I'm not really into all that gazing into each other's eyes.

Well, I wasn't thinking of gazing into your eyes.

SHE LAUGHS

Gazing into what, then, you cheeky devil?!

See? I can read your filthy mind, even down the phone!

'All right, you win. What time shall I pick you up?'

Don't be daft. I'll just see you there.

'I'll get us a table for 7.30.

-'Oh, and Howard?'

-Yes?

SHE LAUGHS

Leave your car at home, let's get wasted.

MAN: 'So...what's on the menu?'

We will be cooking a traditional Botswana dish.

Chicken stew with pap.

-Say that again?

-'Pap.'

It is a kind of stiff porridge that you make into dumplings, Mr Robson.

Could you hold the line one minute, please?

Can I help you, Dr Carmichael?

No. No, not at all.

I wouldn't dream of intruding on your conversation with your...

hot date.

Mr Robson is not a date, he is a friend from church.

I am teaching him some new recipes.

That's your story...and you're sticking to it.

SHE SIGHS You OK, Mrs Tembe?

Yes. Yes, fine. I'm sorry, I have to go.

Oh, OK, fair enough. I-II'll See you later, then?

-OK, thanks. Bye.

-KNOCK AT DOOR

Come in.

Shelley?!

My favourite cousin. Oh, look at you,

handsome, clever and important.

It's a wonder you haven't been snapped up.

-Let's just say I'm picky.

-Not for turning, are you?

-What?!

-Well, you're always so well turned out,

with your hair gel, sweet little waistcoat, jewellery.

-You can't blame me for wondering.

-I'm not gay.

Anyway...I've brought you this.

Connor's 16! No way!

Where does the time go, eh?

I know it's short notice, but it was the only way I could keep it a secret.

-You will come, won't you?

-OK. I'd love to. How is he?

To be honest, I'm a bit worried.

-What because you think he's gay?

-Oh, blimey, psychic as well.

-Educated guess.

-I haven't got a problem with it at all.

It's Connor, he just won't admit it.

What, to the Spanish Inquisition?

I haven't mentioned the word "gay" once. Cross my heart.

No, if I did that, he'd...clam up even more.

And he hardly opens his mouth as it is.

That's called being a teenager!

-Will you have a word with him? Man to man?

-No way. Sorry, it's not my style.

-But he looks up to you.

-You seriously expect me

to broach the subject of sexual orientation at a birthday party?!

No, I thought you could take him for a bite to eat after work?

And it would get him out from under my feet while I get my balloons up and stuff.

Please, Kev. I am terrified he's going to mess up.

KNOCK AT DOOR

Meeting in the staff room, five minutes? Am I late?

-Have you got a minute?

-Yeah.

Do you know Annie Harris?

-Yeah. Everyone knows Annie.

-Meaning?

Meaning...everyone knows Annie. She's popular and she's friendly.

A little bit loud?

Yeah, some people might think that. Do you?

Erm...no. It's just...

I've got a date with her tonight.

Oh. Congratulations.

Except...she seems to want to call the shots.

And I've had a girlfriend like that before, and call me old-fashioned...

Howard, just go with it.

You don't think...it's a bit awkward her being a police officer?

No. No, I don't. Just relax.

Yeah.

-You're seeing lover-boy tonight.

-Uh-huh. How can you tell?

That smile on your face, you can only be thinking about one thing.

Well, I am looking forward to it - in a way.

-In a way?

-I just didn't think

that sex was going to be about spiritual growth.

Who cares as long as it happens?

But sometimes I feel like I'm being choreographed.

Count yourself lucky!

If anybody wanted to choreograph me, I'd be well up for it! BOTH LAUGH

Al, do you fancy a spot of choreography later?

I think the safe answer to that is no.

Oh, party pooper.

OK, Connor, I'll see you then.

Great, I'm taking my 16-year-old cousin out for a birthday tea.

You see, you'll always find someone with a sadder life than yours.

-Hey, I was coerced.

-I'm talking about the kid,

tea with a 30-year-old. As birthdays go, that sucks!

I can smell aftershave right down the corridor.

-Yeah, Howard's got a date!

-Way, to go Howard!

ALL WHOOP

All right, calm down. This is supposed to be a meeting.

-What's up?

-I was just thinking.

-There's something I wanted to ask you.

-OK, go ahead.

Is there some kind of specialist nurse that deals with heart attacks?

Like a cardiac specialist nurse?

Yeah. That's what I want to be... cos of what happened to dad.

Do you reckon I'd be any good?

Yeah, I don't see why not.

I'll organise a trip to St Phil's, you can find out exactly what it is they do.

Cheers.

-So...seeing anyone?

-No.

-Why?

Well...she dumped me.

-May I...

-No, I can manage.

You just unpack this.

OK.

Is everything all right, Mrs Tembe?

Er...yes, perfectly.

Only you seem a little...uptight.

It is just people and their childish comments.

Oh, let me guess. About you visiting a man in his home?

I would prefer not to talk about it.

Fair enough. So what's this?

That is for the pap.

We are not going to need that until the stew is nearly ready.

First, we have to peel and chop all of the vegetables.

I'm going to demonstrate to you

the most efficient way of peeling onions.

Why are you wearing those glasses?

These are my onion-peeling glasses, they stop my eyes from watering.

-HE LAUGHS

-I'm sorry, they're...

I know they are...not the most flattering fashion accessory.

BOTH LAUGH

Is she seeing somebody else?

-Nah.

-So...?

She got fed up.

It's tough being dumped on your birthday.

Yeah. I don't blame her though, do I?

She wanted to do it today.

All the time she's going on about it, she just doesn't stop.

It's not happening between us.

Perhaps you don't really fancy her?

-I love her.

-That's not necessarily the same thing.

Do you think...you like lads maybe?

Lads?! Are you mental as well?

Yeah, probably. Tomato sauce?

No, ta.

Look, waiting for a special day can put a lot of pressure on you.

All that anticipation can lead to nothing.

You mean, like looking forward to it?

Yeah, pretty much.

Your mates are probably banging on about it all the time.

-Yeah, it's boring.

-Boring?

Like, do you think about it?

Yeah, loads! Don't you?

Not really. Look, I'm worried about Leann.

-Do you mind if I go see her?

-No, go on, off you go.

If there's anything I can do to help, just phone, all right?

-Right, thanks.

-Good luck.

Teenage angst?

I don't know what to call it.

Hypothetical case -

16-year-old boy doesn't think about sex.

What, never?

Hmm. Do you remember a time when you weren't interested at that age?

If I wasn't, I've erased the memory out of shame.

Yeah, like minds.

I'd say on the spectrum, that's comparatively rare.

That's what I thought.

-Help yourself?

-Result!

I'm not coming out.

You just did.

You're so not funny, Connor.

Anyway, you're dumped.

But...I love you.

Well, shame, cos I don't love you.

Well, actually, I do...but there's no point, is there?

If you don't even fancy me.

-If you're gay.

-I'm not gay!

I'm just stressed, yeah?

Like, waiting for a special day puts pressure on you.

-It was your idea to wait.

-I know, I made a mistake.

And anyway, you've done it before and I feel daft.

-Why?

-Cos...I might not be as good as him.

So? You just need practice, that's all!

Connor, you're dead special.

Why do you think I waited so long?

Listen, if we had sex today,

wouldn't it be the best birthday present?

You'd never forget it!

-Does this mean you're giving me another chance?

-Hmm.

-SHE LAUGHS

-Yeah. Except we can't do it here cos my dad's in.

Come back to ours. I think my mum's gone back to work.

I'll get my stuff!

HE SIGHS Oh, no! She's doing a party!

Ah, look!

-That means there'll be loads of rellies!

-You were so cute.

-Is that your dad?

-Yeah.

At least he won't get decrepit like mine.

We could have our own party, just the two of us.

SHE LAUGHS

Oh! Missed!

I win!

You know what, Connor,

this party'll be great cos you'll be able to say,

"This is my girlfriend Leann,"

and mean it, cos it'll be real by then, yeah?

-I love you.

-And I love you.

Right, come on.

May I take your coat, madam?

Why, thank you.

SHE GIGGLES

Sorry, I just couldn't resist.

You know, actually, I...I wouldn't mind

working up an appetite before dinner.

I'm flattered, but the food will spoil.

Can't you put it in the microwave?

Sacrilege! This is a middle-eastern lamb dish.

The saffron rice is gorgeous and fluffy and ready to serve.

Oh, well, if it's a choice between saffron rice and sex...

Emma!

Trust me, we'll leave the best till last.

Well, when you put it like that, I must be safe hands.

HE SIGHS

Was that all right?

-That's a no, then?

-You didn't even look at me.

Well, did you want me to?

You're supposed to want to, Connor!

I thought you said it didn't matter if I wasn't very good at first.

You couldn't wait to get it over with...could you?

GREEK MUSIC AND CHATTER

Hiya!

Hi.

-Oh, aftershave!

-SHE GRUNTS

I could eat you alive right now.

Maybe I'd better stick to me moussaka.

I feel overdressed.

Oh, well, don't mind me. Take something off, if you like.

Easy, tiger. SHE LAUGHS

Ooh, there's nothing I love more than a stuffed shirt.

Right, come on, let's get you a drink. Do you fancy an ouzo?

Excuse me.

Hiya. When you're ready. Thanks.

Mm. That was lovely. Thanks, Adam.

Thanks. To be honest with you, I'm relieved it's turned out so well.

SHE LAUGHS What?

Oh, I've just had this vision of you stressing over a hot stove.

Stress? Don't know the meaning of the word.

I've banished it from my life.

There is such a thing as positive stress.

That's one of the greatest myths of western society.

That's not true. We need positive stress,

it's what gives us the spark to meet challenges

and do the things we love.

-And you think working yourself into the ground is a great idea?

-Sorry?

-Have you ever thought about jacking it all in?

-Why would I do that? I love my job.

-The rat race isn't for you.

-Well, medicine isn't the rat race.

It's controlled by drug companies.

Well, it's not controlled by drug companies

and we need medication.

There is such a thing as self-healing.

And can you self-heal a heart condition?

-Well, no, but...

-Look, I don't just dole out pills.

I like to think that I make a difference to people.

Of course you do, but you have to work out what's right for you too.

Well, I'm not past it!

No, you're not, but...

You're stunning, as ever.

-Flattery will get you nowhere.

-OK. Subject closed.

-Why, because you're losing the argument?

-I prefer to call it a discussion. I never argue.

Sam and I used to argue. It clears the air.

Laura and I used to feel sorry for couples that rowed.

That's a little patronising, if you don't mind me saying.

We used to think that life was too short.

-I'm sorry.

-No, it's fine. Don't be.

CHATTER BELOW

DOOR OPENS

HE GASPS

Hiya! Ooh!

Hiya!

Thanks for coming. Booze is in the kitchen.

-Red, white and beer. Help yourselves.

-BOTH: Thank you.

Barbs, will you put some music on? Thanks.

-Hey!

-Oh, Kev, I haven't even made any butties!

I sat down with a glass of sherry to keep myself going

and I realised I'd forgotten the cake. Where's Connor?

-He had to see someone.

-I trusted you to keep an eye on him.

Hang on a minute...

-Mum!

-Oh, Connor, you're back!

It's the birthday boy, everyone!

CHEERING I can't hack this.

-Tough. Your great-auntie Margaret's come all the way from Gloucester.

-So? I didn't ask her to.

-SHE SIGHS

-Teenagers! What are they like?

I have gone to all this trouble

and you come in here with a face like a monkey sucking a lemon.

Shelley, he's had a rough day.

Oh, I suppose you've been with Leann?

-What's it to you?

-Oh, here we go!

Who'd be a mother, eh?

-So much love for your son, it almost breaks your heart.

-Mum!

And what do you get in return? Surly grunts.

-When you are the one person who understands.

-Shelley!

Understands what?

That you're gay, Connor.

I can accept it, even if you can't!

You liar! You lied to me!

-Hey! Stop it! Stop it!

-Connor, come on, let's go have a chat.

Now, you add the cornmeal to the stock very slowly.

-Would you like to try?

-Yeah, OK.

-Uh-huh.

-Yeah. It's a much softer mixture than our suet dumplings.

Yes. When I was a girl, it was the custom

to eat the pap with your fingers, dipping it into the stew.

It tastes much better that way.

You talk a lot about Botswana,

you say very little about where you live now.

-Keep stirring or it will go too...too stiff.

-Right.

I know where your bus stop is, that's about it.

Now, we cook this for 20 minutes

and by that time the stew should be ready.

I'll move this. Slowly.

Your mum never could handle her drink.

Everyone thinks I'm gay now, except me.

-Hey, I don't.

-What am I, then?

Only you know how you feel, mate.

Is everything working down there?

Kev! It's not that I can't,

I just...don't want to.

I don't get it. Honest, I don't.

Me and Leann are dead close.

-Am I supposed to pretend to her?

-No, that wouldn't be fair.

So do I tell her there's something wrong with me?

KEV SIGHS

Say if you had a choice between enjoying sex with Leann,

or Leann saying that it didn't matter about sex at all.

Which would it be?

The second one. That's bad, right?

No, it's probably normal for you.

I think you could be asexual.

A sexual what?

No, asexuals are people who have no desire for sex...at all.

So you mean I'm not the only one?

I tell you what, this s-souzo's having no effect on me whatsoever.

SHE LAUGHS

Right, let's get another one. Excuse me.

It's just water and...what is it?

-Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah.

-What is it?

Oh...I can't remember.

-It's too hot in here.

-Right, now listen,

I'm having all this garlic and you haven't had any.

-So you...have to have some of that.

-SHE LAUGHS

I can't taste anything.

SHE LAUGHS

Aniseed!

-Aniseed. Thank you.

-SHE LAUGHS

Cheers!

Cheers!

SHE LAUGHS

-Thanks for coming, Margaret.

-Bye.

-I'll see you again, Bill.

-Bye-bye.

-See ya.

I'm sorry you had to walk in on that, I didn't know you were there.

Would it have made any difference if you had?

You used to be just mates.

We were never "just" mates.

He should have been honest with you.

Anyway, it's out in the open now.

What if you're wrong?

I've known since he was a little boy.

-I am his mum after all.

-Yeah?

Well, I'm his girlfriend and I've just had sex with him.

Connor!

I'm sorry, yeah?

TRADITIONAL GREEK MUSIC PLAYS HE CHEERS

BOTH LAUGH

Howard! Howard!

Hey!

Come here, you.

Your eyebrows dance!

Do they?!

Like two little wiggly, hairy creatures

wiggling around with joy and mischief.

Hey, listen, don't ever, promise me, ever pluck them.

Hey, me legs dance as well, you know?

-Do they now?

-Oh, yeah!

SHE LAUGHS Hey!

SHE LAUGHS

How can not wanting sex be a sexual orientation?

I knew she wouldn't get it!

Leann?

I want to talk to you on our own. It's private.

You two go ahead. Your mum and I'll be just fine.

So, is there nothing can be done, Kev?

I mean, is there some special treatment or something?

What exactly are you proposing? Surgery?

Well, whatever it costs, whatever it takes.

I don't believe I'm hearing this! Would you say the same thing if he was gay?

-Of course not, being gay's natural.

-So is this!

It can't be. Sex is important.

Not to Connor.

What sort of life is he going to have?

A happy one...given the chance.

I'll be there to support him, but he's going to need you on his side.

I'm going to be denied grandkids just cos he can't be bothered!

Shelley, you're not listening.

And what about Leann?

He's going to be heartbroken when that falls apart.

Ah! Well, that felt very decadent.

I mean, eating the dumplings with our fingers.

You're right, they do taste better that way.

Well, I am glad you enjoyed it.

Oh! Now it is a lot later than I had anticipated.

-Let us do the washing up.

-Gosh! No, I can manage that.

You get along if you need to.

I'll call you a taxi. Where shall I say you're going?

No, that...that is not necessary, thank you.

Mrs Tembe, if you don't want to tell me where you live, that's fine.

I am so sorry that I offended you.

No, you haven't. This evening has made me feel human again.

That probably sounds strange, but just a normal friendship,

it suddenly seems possible and it didn't before.

Mr Robson, you...you are more than welcome to come to my home.

No. I accept there have to be boundaries.

No, with true friendship, there are no rules.

Would next week be convenient?

-Why are you listening to old people?

-Kev's a doctor.

Like he knows everything?

No, but...you'll have to find a proper boyfriend.

What, anybody'll do?

I'm just saying, you deserve better than me.

I think about you loads, Connor. All the time.

Me, too.

And you really fancy me, right?

And you want sex to be great?

-More than anything in the world?

-Well, yeah, course.

So it will be. Cos we love each other, yeah.

I'll never give up on you.

Ever.

-ANNIE:

-Thank you.

-DOG BARKS

SHE LAUGHS

-How much is it, please?

-No, I'll get it.

-I'll get it.

-I'll get it.

-It'll be £6.50.

-You think you're coming in, do you?

Well, I haven't been formally invited.

Oh, have I not formally invited you? Let me formally invite you.

Mr Bellamy, would you kindly escort me to my bedchamber?

It's that one up there.

SHE LAUGHS Aye, go on, then. What's all that there?

Ohh! Come on, my trusty stead.

Wahey!

BOTH LAUGH DOG BARKS

-My knight in shining armour.

-I'm sorry.

-He has one flaw.

-Never puts the toilet seat down?

I could tell you were different.

You what? All them fellas tucking tenners in your G-string

and Barry's the one that catches your eye?

-He won't argue.

-You're the first woman I've ever met

who actually wants to have more arguments.

Time for me to man up.