Fast & Furious Doctors

I can't believe you.

It's just a bit of pudding, cheesecake.

Cheesecake?

That's all right, then. It's just cheesecake(!)

I am not diabetic yet.

How can I go to Glasgow knowing you're stuffing yourself with sweet stuff

when you know exactly that's the stuff that's making you ill?!

We don't know everything. You are not the doctor.

You have all the symptoms of diabetes! The results are academic!

How can I go? I can't go!

Don't be silly.

Who is going to stay here and stop you from eating sweets

and sweets when I'm in Scotland?

It was just a bit of pudding.

You promised!

Look, Mum, erm, I'm sorry.

Sometimes it gets a little bit too much, always

worrying about you both.

You are a good son.

CLOCK TICKS

CLOCK CHIMES

I'm going to go and shout her again.

Yemisi! Come and eat...NOW!

16 hours she has the perfect excuse to go and starve herself.

She observes the fast.

I am not stupid and neither are you.

I've seen those websites she goes on. Pro-anorexic?!

Madness.

It's Ramadan.

God's gift to anorexic Muslims.

Good. Sit. Eat.

I was reading the Koran.

EAT!

I have made moimoi.

I don't want that.

Mum's gone to a lot of trouble.

So, because Mum likes to eat sweets,

you have decided to disturb me.

If I believed you were reading the Koran, I'd apologise.

Now, fill your plate!

Do we have any apples?

Apples? Are you kidding me? Apples!

We have apples.

There it is! The bi-annual cavalcade of dietarily related illnesses.

"Dietarily"?

Perfectly good word.

Specially useful at this time of Ramadan-a-ding-dong.

Dr Haskey! Please will you show some respect?

Should I? Ramadan - illnesses exacerbated by fasting.

Christmas - illnesses exacerbated by over-indulgence.

I had three patients with firework burns after Diwali.

Let's not even get stated on Rosh Hashanah.

Which will be on the 26th of September this year.

You are joining my pub quiz team.

Good morning, everybody.

Good morning, Dr Carter.

Al's suffering from Ramadan onslaught.

Is he, really? I'm not entirely clear on Ramadan.

Like, when is it?

To be honest, Islam's a bit of a fog, to be honest.

Why do people get so hung up on religion?

You should think more about your brother!

Don't try and guilt trip me, you're one to talk!

-She looks ill!

-She looks great!

A woman's thighs should meet at the top.

What are you doing with that?

Nothing!

Give it to me!

You should think more about what you are going to eat, not moon

over these skinny trollops.

Excuse me for not being obsessed with food(!)

Can I help it if I'm just like Dad?

Your father loved to eat, bless him.

He was naturally slim.

He would want you to stop nagging me, you know he would.

I don't know that.

But I do know that if your father knew the things that you do,

the madness, he would put a stop to it. Hasan would, if he knew.

But he doesn't, does he?

Good.

Your brother has enough to worry about.

He's driving us, isn't he?

I'm not going if we have to walk!

SHE SIGHS

What?

Yemisi.

What about her?

I see how skinny she is, of course I do. Every time

I fold her tiny clothes, they are saying, "You are a bad mother!"

And I know I have to diet properly.

I worry, though.

But please, Hasan, I am taking care of myself and your sister,

so you see you mustn't say you can't go to business because of her.

HE SIGHS

I was being a bit of a drama queen. Ignore me.

I know you're trying.

I am!

So stop being silly and blaming yourself for Yemisi's weight.

You are a great mother!

You OK?

So far this morning I have remained mercifully

untouched by religious fervour or convictions.

Everything all right? Is there anything I can do to help?

Dr Carmichael has a head cold.

Do you need me to...?

We've got it covered.

Of course.

Mrs Haruna? Khadija Haruna?

I'm here. What good timing.

Would you like to follow me through? I'm Dr Donoghue.

You're new here.

Relatively.

Miss Haruna?

Hi, I'm Dr Haskey.

So?

Dr Carmichael can't be here today

so I'm going to cover some of her patients. I hope that's all right?

No, no, it's not!

You do not wish to have a male doctor?

No, I don't want to see a fat one.

Stop it.

Look, I don't want to see a doctor at all. I'm humouring you all.

Surely you're not going to make me have an appointment with him?

Firstly, this doctor is kind enough to cover for his colleague

so you will see him.

Secondly, I said stop it!

-I don't have...

-You do.

I apologise, Doctor. I will accompany my sister into the consultation.

Thank you.

Yes, thank you so much(!)

I'm so delighted that you're seeing me(!)

Not as delighted as I am()!

Sugar's much higher than I'd like.

You're not doing this whole Ramadan fast thing, are you?

Not with your symptoms?

-I am.

-What?

I have observed a complete Ramadan fast ever since I was a little girl.

It is the most important thing.

How young?

Seven.

Wow, that's not the most child health-friendly thing I've ever heard.

This Western ignorance is tiresome.

Anyway, I thought having diabetes was supposed to help me lose weight.

If I have it, it hasn't, so fasting will help.

If I don't observe the fast, something bad will happen.

It's more likely to if you do.

No offence, Doctor, but how would you know?

Once I gave up cabbage for Lent, then

I accidentally had some colcannon. Look at me now, totally fine.

Mm. That's not so good.

My sister is your patient, Doctor.

Ms Haruna, since your last weigh-in, you have lost two kilos.

That's about a pound a week.

I know how much a kilo is. It's probably because it's not Dr Carmichael's scales.

All our scales are calibrated regularly.

Dr Carmichael was hoping you'd have gained just a little bit.

How much do you weigh?

We're not talking about me. We're talking about you.

You've worked really hard to gain weight and get back on track.

We don't want all that hard work going to waste, do we?

You're not observing the fast, are you?

She is.

I'm the patient!

Please, tell me why I shouldn't perform my religious duty.

Because you're a diagnosed anorexic who's currently losing weight.

You do not need an excuse not to eat.

Thank you, Doctor.

I've been observing the fast since I was seven years old.

It's spiritual. It's a commitment.

-You'd clearly know nothing about that.

-I know that it's harming your well-being.

If I don't observe the fast, something bad is going to happen.

I just know it.

I walked under a ladder on my way to work this morning. Who knows what's going to happen(?)

Your results will mostly likely indicate type 2 diabetes.

Fasting is out of the question.

Going all day without food is just plain mad.

Ah! Does everyone have to be IT experts?!

Sometimes, old ways are better.

Not if they're bad for you.

Surely they make some exceptions?

COMPUTER BEEPS

-Well...

-Sorry. There's something wrong with the upload. Hang on.

Karen? Hi. I can't seem to access Mrs Haruna's results.

OK, then. Quick as you can. Thanks.

Sorry, you were saying?

At the end of the fast, it feels worthy to have achieved something.

Anyway, whatever my blood test says, fasting will be good for me.

No, it won't.

Are you saying millions of Muslims are wrong to fast?

Of course not!

Just me, then?

I'm saying there could be further complications - ketoacidosis,

hypoglycaemia, hyperglycaemia, thrush.

Observing the Ramadan fast was good for me when I was a child.

It made me spiritual.

It hasn't made me fat

and it hasn't made my daughter like she is...anorexic.

Has it?

Come on!

This is a relatively small loss,

if we're looking at your overall progress.

We need to keep you from being readmitted, don't we?

So, what are we thinking? We're thinking healthy eating,

"aim to maintain," none of that "thinspiration" nonsense.

I know it's difficult, but try and think of me as Dr Carmichael.

Look, we need to...

Hey! He's my chaperone, that doesn't make me mentally defective.

Oh, Mrs Haruna. You're looking well.

Am I? Who would know? The doctor in there is more interested in her computer than me.

I'm sure that's not the case.

It's one thing that she can't find my test results, but

she doesn't pay attention to me the whole time she's looking for them.

She's on the computer, she's on the phone, she's telling me

how ridiculous I am to fast during the holy month!

-Perhaps we should...

-No! No more of this!

Yemisi, stop it.

Forgive her, Dr Carter, she's annoyed that she may be

forced to eat half a carrot.

Oh, shut up!

Dr Carter, I am doing my best, I really am.

That's good.

Bu he's on my back, day and night.

And what with that great oaf in there!

-Oh, dear.

-They're boiling my brains. They're playing the Ramadan card.

She's really thin and she's really fat.

I wouldn't say "really fat"!

Ms Haruna, make an appointment with Dr Carmichael.

Neither my mother nor my sister should observe the fast.

What do I know?

I've only got a normal BMI(!)

-Excuse me.

-I thought the new doctor would be really nice but she's worse than useless!

Mrs Haruna, please, just give me one minute.

This is amazing to me that both my mother and my sister

feel comfortable being so rude to people who are trying to help.

I am. I am trying and I'm going to keep trying.

Is that a doctor?!

There must be gremlins, I can't find it.

Keep looking. Please?

Our receptionist is looking for your test results now.

Yeah, looking, when clearly she's as blind as a bat?

This doesn't usually happen.

What? Not being able to find test results or being dismissive

and culturally ignorant?

"Culturally ignorant"? There's courses you can go on for that.

What exactly is the problem, Doctor?

Your mother's test results have gone AWOL.

Can't you request for them to be sent again?

I'm not sure...as I say...

Can you?

They're the only chance we have of getting her to take it seriously, the official tests.

-Can we do that?

-Yeah.

-We can do that.

-I'll do that.

Thank you.

From now on, I'm only seeing Dr Carmichael.

The fat one, the Irish one? Both rubbish.

Sorry.

Cross a river in a crowd and the crocodile will not eat you.

Do you have a worry that would be better shared?

I'm not sleeping very well.

Actually, I'm not sleeping at all and one's mind begins to play tricks.

What type of tricks?

Hearing things that go bump in the night.

As a child

I had an overactive imagination and it appears I still have.

You thought you heard someone in the house?

I was leaning more towards the supernatural. Ridiculous, I know.

There are no marauders, no spooks.

I'm not eating properly.

"More of gravy than of grave."

No wonder you have such dark circles under your eyes.

Are there?

You know, I am always happy to cook a meal to share with you.

I'd be terrible company.

Then let me cook you something.

I've no appetite.

Cross a river in a crowd and the crocodile will not eat you.

One may still drown.

PHONE RINGS

Tough morning?

Mill Health Centre.

May I speak to Dr Donoghue?

Dr Donoghue, I'll see if she's available.

May I ask who's calling?

Hasan Haruna.

I'll see if she's still here, Mr Haruna.

She's just coming to the phone.

Still not got the results.

This is Dr Donoghue.

You are going to think I'm a bit of an irritation, but...

No, we really messed up on this

and I'm going to do my utmost to sort it out today.

I appreciate it.

I have important business in Glasgow

and I don't want to cancel my trip, but I will if...

No, don't do that.

When the results come through, I will go and see your mother.

You are so good.

So I hadn't done anything and I had to go to Confession. I made some up.

Like what?

Little sins. Nothing venal. "Father, I swore.

"I took my sister's blouse and put a hole in it."

Actually, I did do that, on purpose with the scissors.

Five Hail Marys.

HE LAUGHS

Yay! Haruna test results.

I'm going to head there now. Hopefully I'll catch her

delicious son before he heads north.

Tart!

-You've already had your lunch?

-Yes, I have, but I've got stuff to do.

Print outs to print out.

I'm going to see Mother Haruna.

Try and knock some sense into the daughter while you're there, yeah?

Yeah. I'm brave, not crazy. I'll leave that one to Zara.

You need to get your eyes tested.

I do not!

What does that say, then?

Molly's Menus!

She knew that already.

Yeah, of course she did. Do you think it's time?

Yeah. Rock, paper, scissors?

Oh!

OK, so I called the doctor and I asked her about...

You're not allowed to talk about me.

Yemisi, I love you, but trust me,

I am not spending my whole time trying to check up on you.

Could've fooled me.

It pains me that I seem to be failing to look after you.

I hate it that you still think there is something wrong with you

and you go on those ridiculous, lunatic pro-anorexic websites.

You been looking through my browsing history?!

But I called the doctor about Mum and her results, not about you.

What did she say?

You? You just need to eat something

and stop using Islam as an excuse to get your own way.

-You shouldn't bother about me.

-She'll have the results when she has them. You should go to work.

You have no right!

DOORBELL RINGS

I will do what I have to do.

I want you two to stop it!

DOORBELL RINGS

I'll go, shall I?

"Oh, yes, Mum, you go."

Your browsing history is a discussion for another time.

At the moment, I am more worried about our mother.

Maybe for once you could think about somebody other than yourself?

That's not fair! I worry about her, too!

I go to work to make money to put food on this table.

How can I when I am constantly anxious?

You have to support me. I mean it!

The doctor is here.

You managed to get the results re-sent?

I did.

Would you like a cup of tea, Dr Donoghue? A soft drink?

Are you having one?

When we fast, it is complete. We don't even drink water.

Unlike you Catholics.

Sorry, I'm not really competitively religious.

So what's going on in my blood?

It's not the best news, I'm afraid.

You can tell me in front of the children.

It's what we thought?

Type 2 diabetes.

Injections?

We're a way from injections. I'd like to begin with a dietary approach.

But Ramadan...

Please, no more!

Ramadan is supposed to bring us closer together,

but somehow in this house it is driving us apart.

Because you're a control freak.

I've been on the Muslim Council website.

I'm really sorry I didn't understand properly before.

I went about it all the wrong way.

You did. Maybe I was being a little sensitive.

I WAS right about jeopardising your health. You CAN elect to limit your fast.

You can take all the pressure off and still have a healthy,

spiritual Ramadan.

I think that's great.

You do?

It's the way to go.

For both of you.

I'll support Mum.

This dieting business, weight on, weight off, whatever,

it's so much easier - fun, even - if you can do it together.

So, a couple of spoons of yoghurt seems to be a sensible choice in the middle of the afternoon?

Or a piece of fruit.

Here you go, then.

No, I don't want any.

Eat a couple of spoons of yoghurt, Yemisi, or I swear

I will stay here until you do.

You're joking.

He's joking!

"He's" just had enough.

And you just promised to support Mum in front of the doctor.

I know, but...

It's just yoghurt.

A couple of spoons?

Fine. I'm only doing this for Mum.

See? You see how easy it is?

Don't we all feel better?

It's a river in Egypt.

You what?

You are in "de Nile".

I'm not.

Go to the opticians on the high street. They're as good as any. You're hyperopic.

You're long-sighted.

I don't need glasses, I can see!

I'm not saying you're Mr Magoo or anything but you do need spectacles.

And get a wig and false teeth and a new hip?

You're being so unreasonable. and just a little bit ageist.

Look at me, I'm younger than you and I wear glasses and I look great.

I tell you something, squinting will give you wrinkles.

You really love this whole cruel to be kind thing, don't you?

Do you think I'd give a toss if you walked in front of a bus

or you made some horrible mistake because you couldn't see properly

if I didn't care for you just the tiniest little bit?

Opticians on the high street. They do designer frames, too.

I imagine Rob might quite like that sexy newsreader look.

Sometimes I think I'm being punished. I should fast.

I should suffer the way my daughter's suffered.

What? How?

She fasted when she was too young, so now she's anorexic.

Come on, Mrs Haruna, you know that's not true.

You fasted when you were young. Are you anorexic?

Hasan fasted.

Does he have issues around food?

He's a good boy.

Because you're a good mother. Take care.

You use food as a weapon against me.

I know.

Why?

You know I'm trying to get better?

You know I'm only trying my best?

Afternoon surgery started five minutes ago.

I thought I'd found a short cut. But I made some headway with your Ms Haruna, though.

Have you now?

-Yeah, maybe I have some uses after all?

-Hm.

I am so looking forward to this, even though

I must try not to overdo it.

I want to...but I can't.

A little bit of milk first? Hey? Line your tummy.

Then a little bit of something.

-What's that?

-It's nothing.

It isn't nothing.

Watch, then, if you don't believe me!

I saw it on the internet, the elastic band round your wrist.

Pull it, flick it, hurt yourself every time you want to eat.

Food equals pain.

You shouldn't be checking up on me.

It's called "thinspiration". It's my fault, isn't it?

It's nobody's fault.

Please, please, don't, please!

SHE WINCES

What can I do to help you?

I'm sorry.

Mum, the sight of food makes me feel ill!

I just want us to both stop eating!

Then we will.

CLOCK TICKS

PHONE RINGS

PHONE RINGS

-Hasan.

-'Hey, Mum. I just called Yemisi but she didn't answer.'

She's having a bath.

'Thanks for the food, my favourites. I was starving.

'Delicious.'

Good.

'And you got Yemisi to eat?

'Mum?'

Please stop worrying about us. There's no need!

OK, thanks, Mum. Love you.

Love you, too. Night.

SHE WINCES

I'm a forensic pathologist.

That's why I want you to help me find Hugh Bellamy.

My great-grandfather.

Isn't it awful how people can just disappear?

We've seen men gunned down without question.

If they find us, they'll gun us down in there!

Whatever happened to Hugh and Zulman is in these missing pages.

They're near!

HE SPEAKS GERMAN